I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh against your sister’s Christine but you know what, at some point most people will feel regret/guilt over how they treat another. It might not be now, or even for a while but eventually it will dawn on them just what they have done, and what damage it has caused. That won’t be a nice feeling for them but it will be their’s to bear and not yours. There is nothing as serene as a clear conscience which is what you’ll have, and they wished they had.
I know though that you’d just rather have the support of your family, you are a kind-spirited person and I can see how upsetting things are getting. It’s strange really as I too have recently googled “why do good families go wrong” and other things related to sibling discord so I understand where you are coming from.
Does your therapist have any suggestions? Do you think writing them a letter might help? I wish I had some useful ideas for you.
Hope tomorrow brings a bit of kindness for us all.
I am a big believer in that if you want a tattoo and your artist (or niece) can do it and you want one then go for it!! Put it somewhere discreet if you aren’t confident putting it somewhere people will see. I’m past the point of being discreet as running out of space that won’t hurt like a bitch to get done lol x
Why do I go to the gym?? Have asked that myself a million times lol. My friend and I both joined at same time as we are both overweight and thought we could be like gym buddies but she hasn’t gone yet for various reasons and I like going to the yoga as I am stiff as a board cause I’m on my feet all day plus I’m fat
I lost lots of weight years ago and thought I could keep it off without going to a club…well I was wrong lol
I hope you have a decent day and dunno about you but we have snow again today so will see what the roads etc are like.
Hi all
Decided to take myself off to see a film at the cinema this afternoon. Seeing Parallel Mothers which has really good reviews . Bit of an arthouse film but Penelope Cruz is in it , which is nice !
Hope you are all having a better day today.
Take care
Neil xxx
Hi Suzanne
Just got back from the cinema. I enjoyed it . I don’t see many films with subtitles but when I do they are top quality ones. Plus this had Penelope Cruz in her Oscar nominated role and featuring her in one or two racy scenes which was good from my point of view ha ha. I love Picturehouse cinemas as they show a brilliant variety of stuff. It took me away from the misery of my new life for a couple of hours or so.
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina
Hope today is shining a bit brighter for you . Just had a friend in for a chat . He’s been through the same as me several years earlier. Nice to talk about our parents and the good memories.
Sending you best wishes for a peaceful weekend
Neil x
Sending my best wishes to Christine and Suzanne too xx
Hi Tina,
Have you been watching the news about Russia invading Ukraine? Those poor people in underground tunnels and running to escape the bombing. So shocking. What happens to all the animals left behind? So upsetting. I would have to stay with my Porscha. Couldn’t leave her behind. I was explaining this to the lovely man trying to reconnect my internet. I discovered the plug had come loose and that was why I had no power! So panic over.
Spoke to dad today. He didn’;t contact me for weeks because I couldn’t speak because I was so upset so he stopped trying. He said I should be over it now. Talked about depression. I kept telling him I am not depressed, I am grieving for mam. I had to say that nobody can tell me I should not still be grieving for her still. There’s no time limit. I explained that I spent more time with mam than my sisters. He interpreted that as everyone else not caring. I didn’t say that. It’s not a competition. I just find it so difficult talking to him because everything I say is taken the wrong way. And because I’m not going into the garden he thinks its just going to be a jungle out there. Its cold outside and I have clay soil so its a mud bath after all the rain we had. Apart from my sewing I haven’t done anything. Everyone is back to normal. My sister is not now moving like she was but is still looking into it so that was a massive drama at the time of mams death which was so unnecessary. She was looking for property while we were planning the funeral services and everything else that goes with that. She is still ignoring me and I was telling dad. When I explained about using my account and having to pay the money back in he didn’t want to know. He doesn’t want to take sides but isn’t bothered that I’m totally isolated. He just doesn’t care. He has no empathy for me. There was no response to explaining that mam was the only one who understands my situation. It’s a united front against me.
I got my David Austen roses catalogue just now so will have a look. Thought I’d treat mam to a special rose for the patio. Have no enthusiasm after my phonecall. How can I be so misunderstood? I’m so upset again that I have nobody to talk to. Mam wouldn’t let this be happening. I explained I don’t know why my sister is ignoring me. I don’t know whether to try again with a text and see what response I get. It’s so exhausting not knowing what is going on and what they think I have done or not done or said.
What are you going to do today? I’m not even dressed yet. Will you visit your mam? Thinking of you x
Pleased for you Neil that you’ve had someone to chat to that’s been there, and can understand and talk about the good things and happy times. Hope you have peaceful weekend. x
Currently Zoe dog is running me ragged. Its worked out if it puts anything in its mouth from the garden it shouldn’t I will give it a treat so it will drop it on the floor. I’m not sure that’s how treats work but it’s better than another vets bill for a swollowed gravel stone. If pets are quiet it usually means they are up to something.
I’d not really heard much about Russia until they had done the deed. My Husband was a great studier of the Bible and would often say “we are in the last days”. I didn’t really pay a lot of attention but what with COVID, no food on shelves and wars it does sound credible. It’s as if people in power and in general aren’t thinking straight anymore. I wouldn’t like to leave my pets behind as you say.
Sorry your Dad is still not understanding you. He’s is a totally different relationship to what you had with your Mum so maybe that’s why he’s not getting it at all. Your Mum is the protector and best friend. He shouldn’t even begin to think you should be in less pain bu now. It’s sad though that he says he doesn’t want to take sides as I know that’s not want you want, just a bit of understanding and compassion. At least if there’s a bit of communication now things might become less difficult. You mentioned your Sister didn’t move away, do you think she may have been looking at houses as a way to divert her upset into something else to take her mind off things. People do all sorts in desperately sad times. It’s unfortunate though that the drama caused bad feeling. And also that she’s shown animosity. I get what you mean when you say your Mum would be upset to see this going on. I have similar thoughts. Would they come to your house if you invited them?
Pleased to hear you got the rose catalogue. I can imagine you’ll get a lot of pleasure from choosing. I used to love looking at them. Especially the Bakker ones.
I didn’t get to Church yard last week and now it’s Friday. I’d be distraught if I missed another week so if I can get Zoe to calm down I might risk her being on her own and try and go. If not I’ll have to try later tonight. If I leave it till weekend and don’t feel well then I will have missed the opportunity.
Hi Tina,
Always lovely to see your post. Zoe is a real mischief maker. They learn very quickly about treats. I used to keep some under my pillow and Porscha would always be waking me up for some so I had to stop keeping them there. She has a high pitched squeal (like she’s being strangled) and keeps going until she gets what she wants. Easier just to give in. So spoilt! She sunning herself now on the patio.
I hope you get to visit your mam. Could you not take Zoe with you? Not sure if she’d be allowed in? Do you have a park or nice walk you could do every day to build into a routine? It’s so hard for me to make myself do things but easy to suggest to others. It’s like I’m detached when I’m thinking outside of myself. I have parks a short drive away and a field within a two minute walk but wouldn’t feel safe doing it myself. I could have a walk around the park after therapy but cannot force myself to do it.
I’m still not dressed. Speaking to dad has really upset me. He isn’t the same with my other two sisters. I cannot even have a normal conversation without him misunderstanding what I say. I feel so exhausted. The drama surrounding my sister’s move overshadowed mams death and I really don’t know if it was a diversion or attention or to punish her partner or whatever. But the timing couldn’t have been worse. There’s always a drama with her. I haven’t sent texts to anyone to see if I get a reply. I just can’t take any more emotional stress. I feel completely wiped out. All I want to do is sleep and I didn’t feel like that before. It seems my relationships with everyone is a battlefield. I cannot fight them. And I can’t invite anyone round because of the creep listening and watching everything. Can you imagine how strained it would be if I cannot even have a telephone conversation? I don’t think will ever be resolved because I cannot change who I am and they clearly do not like or understand who I am. To not put a time limit on my grief is not much to ask. All the people posting here and every other site haven’t been able to just get over it. I don’t know why it annoys them so much. It’s got nothing to do with them. It’s not as if I keep arranging to meet and don’t turn up. I’ve explained that I can’t do stuff. I’m of no use to them.
The war with Russia really did take me by surprise. I usually dip in and out of the news while flicking channels. It’s usually so depressing that I’d rather not know. But this is so shocking. Dad wasn’t bothered at all, commenting that we’ll be a bit uncomfortable for a while with price rises but we won’t be effected. Mam would have been very upset for all the people fleeing their homes. She was so compassionate and loving. Dad is the opposite, clearly. So even that was a very difficult conversation, along with my garden turning into a jungle if I don’t get out there to see to it (it’s freezing and I have clay soil which makes the garden a mud bath). When mam was here she would shake her head when dad made a comment that made no sense to me. I would look at her amazed and it was like we could communicate without a word. She understood me, who I am, how I think etc. I wish I could thank her for being who she is. I never did because she was always just mam, sorting out whatever drama was going on. I miss her so much. She had a lot of bibles in her bedside cabinet from when she was young and we all took one because they were precious to her. I still haven’t been able to look at it. I used to go to Sunday school when she went to church. I miss being part of her life. I just miss her terribly. I wasn’t upset before the phonecall. It was a real effort for me to ring him. He said he’d given up ringing me because I wasn’t answering the phone weeks ago and I’ve spoken to him since then. I explained how upset I was (everyone knew already but wouldn’t accept it).
Going to get dressed. I was awake for the news early but then couldn’t get going again.
I know you were talking to Tina but again thought I’d weigh in lol.
Don’t know if you and your dad have always had a strained relationship or not but my dad and I had a great relationship when I was smaller but as soon as I was old enough to speak my own mind and not be basically bullied by him ie stood up for myself the relationship changed and became almost toxic and it was mum who was the peacekeeper. Maybe your dad is just like that…doesn’t want involved in things as that was your mum’s place and he knows he can’t fulfill that role?? Your sister and the moving house saga sounds like a knee jerk reaction to her trying to deal with her own grief and if you got caught in the crossfire then it would seem that was acceptable to her. I may be speaking out of turn saying that but I honestly think she was just trying to turn her grief into something she could control…and failed
Also maybe your dad isn’t concerned about Putin etc just now as he probably lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Cold War, Gulf Wars etc. My dad was a horrid man latterly but he was very interested in politics etc and it obviously influenced me as that’s what I did my degree in…so I’m confident that he would be avidly listening to what’s going on but would say he’s seen it pretty much before and the cost of food, gas etc will increase yet again but I think that’s all we’ll see here.
One main thing I took from my counselling session this morning was people who are abandoning us during this time of our grief…it is about them and how they can’t deal with it so either ignore or deflect our grief and has nothing to do with us so please stop worrying about what you have done to them as the answer is nothing! You have enough to deal with just now without making their issues yours.
Sorry to go on but hate seeing you feel you are at wrong and have done something when all you want to do is grieve and honour your mum at your own rate.
Hope you here to the graveyard today and like you it’s sunny up here with blue skies but baltic
How old is Zoe? Bet keeping on top of her grooming is a full time job lol x
I love David Austin roses and bought a beautiful one last year and it bloomed fantastic and then they all died…I am no Alan Titchmarsh I can tell you lol x
Hope you are doing ok today and chat when you feel up to it
So glad you could spend time and speak to your friend about your mum and dad.
I hadn’t realised how much I liked taking about her until I was talking to the counselling lady this morning but it also showed me what a line of strong ladies I came from and I actually felt very proud to be me for the first time since she passed.
I always like it when you say it was your privilege to care for your parents as that says a lot to me about you and how proud they must have been of you
Anyway enjoy the rest of your day and chat when you are up to it,
Hi Suzanne
Definitely having a better day today . Looking after my neighbour’s cat for a couple of days. It’s funny how animals can put a smile on your face.
Got my best mate phoning later when he gets in from work. He’s been looking out for me .
Have a good evening
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Suzanne,
I always welcome you into whatever I post, whoever it’s to. I understand what you are saying about the role of mam and dad not wanting to take that on, my sister’s ‘move’ etc. It makes sense but it’s so hard when I don’t have any of them to talk to, confide in etc. They seem to all have a united front against me and not one of them stood up for me about my grieving and upset for mam. When she died and I was breaking my heart and couldn’t control it they all just stared at me. It was the most bizarre situation. I googled about families fighting after a death and that siblings jostle for positions of power etc. I don’t understand that. I feel so bullied because they don’t accept what I say. I think they are all trying to present as being in control, not grieving, not wanting to appear weak… Whatever their reason you are right that it is theirs and not mine. I just feel so alone without mam. She was the only one who believed what I said and accepted my situation and didn’t put any pressure on me. I don’t know how it helps them to have me stop grieving for mam. Everything I said to dad he took the wrong way. I did spend more time with mam than my sisters. Never did I say that I loved her more because of it, or cared more for her. Whatever I say is wrong. I feel like totally giving up with them. I can’t handle fighting and defending whatever I say and still be so upset for mam. I’m still not dressed. The phone call wiped me out.
I do appreciate you seeing that all I want to do is grieve for mam, however long that takes me. They have no right telling me I should be over it now. I’m so tired of explaining and defending myself. I might consider moving away so I will be completely alone. But then I’d really miss my therapist. I feel so trapped.
I was shocked about the Russian invasion and just thought dad would have had more compassion for the people fleeing their homes. I understand the reality of how it effects us but that was all he was interested in. I was so upset. You are a clever girl doing politics. I’ve never been that interested.
I think I’ll go watch Judge Judy so I can zone out. I’m really exhausted now.
Thank you! Love xxx
Can I just ask, why am I the one to be singled out in the family? They are all talking to one another but ignoring me after trying to tell me what to do. I’ve not asked anyone for help and I’ve explained why I won’t take medication, that I’m not depressed but grieving. I don’t know why I’m the one where the attention is focused. Just wondering what you think? I’m not a weak person and will fight my corner so why direct that at me?
I personally think you have in essence answered your own question of why you are being singled out.
As an outsider it seems to me (and I could be very wrong with this) but it’s almost like they are jealous of you to an extent. I know this will be hard for you to even think that this could be a possibility having read your situation and feelings over the last couple of months but I reckon because they see you as possibly ‘having the luxury’ to grieve at your own pace but you actually come across to me as a very strong lady who won’t be pushed about and stands up for herself and it comes across to me that your sisters are quite insecure and jealous.
I know you have your agoraphobia, creepy neighbour etc and the fact that they all know this and still continue to treat you in this way by uniting against you comes across to me that it suits them and makes them feel better to feel superior to you.
I am sorry for speaking out of turn and this is purely only how I see it based on your posts but it tells me more about them and personally I find it all very nasty to you.
You are exhausted from fighting your grief, trying to accept your loss and constantly wondering why you are being singled out must be sapping every tiny bit of energy and hope you do have.
Go enjoy Judge Judy and if this cat of mine doesn’t behave I will be having cat pie for tea (ps only joking as I am vegan)
You do appear to me to be a lot stronger than you believe yourself to be
THANK YOU !!!
I makes a lot of sense. I don’t have kids and have all the time in the world to make my textiles with no pressure. I wouldn’t tolerate the relationship I was in (that is why I have panic attacks etc.) and like living on my own (Porscha isn’t fussed about what we watch on tv!). I am independent, make my own decisions and won’t be bullied and have always questioned my sisters actions towards. I won’t keep my mouth shut when I am being treated unfairly (nobody would side with me when my brother in law wouldn’t give me access to my own mams tribute site so I could finish what I posted and I got a very nasty email from him (including copies to my sisters, publicly ‘shaming’ me) when I went directly to the company with a copy of his email to get access.
It makes me realise that what you are saying is what my therapist has been saying over a number of years. Now when I cry he hasn’t got anything new to say and just lets me talk to get it out. You really have made an impact. The fact that someone who reads my posts can have the same insight speaks volumes. You’ve really boosted me. Thank you again.
I can guarantee that nobody would want to live in the prison that is my life. I have tried to explain what agoraphobia is, and the creep getting in my house etc. Apart from mam nobody will accept what I say. This attitude isn’t just about my grief. It’s been an ongoing thing and it’s come to a head because they can get away with it now mam isn’t here to keep everyone in line. We’re grown adults and they have grown up children.
I can’t keep getting affected by them and so I will leave them to it. I cannot imagine treating anyone like that who is clearly falling apart in front of them. Can you imagine just staring at someone in such pain? It’s appalling. I’m glad mam isn’t here to see it.
You really have made my day. I can settle down for tv now. I love the new Gogglebox but there’s also ‘Vigilante’ on Film 4 I think at the same time (9pm). It’s still an empty feeling but it fills in time before bed (when I sometimes get very upset with missing mam).
Have a good weekend and enjoy anything planned.
xxx
to us all