Hope you found your dr appointment helpful though and get the help that you need to feel better x
I remember those musings of why?? i wish I could take that hurt away from you xx
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Good evening everyone
Just thought I would share some pics with you from todayās show.
Back To The Future exceeded my expectations . Quite a slow start but as soon as the Delorean and Doc Brown appeared there was no stopping the fun. Really good atmosphere in the audience .
Yes I did get another upgrade- moved to Row R in the Stalls. Also found a really lovely message from one of my Royal Ballet friends Isabella which choked me up a bit but in a good way.
Went to the choral concert beforehand . The church was quite full. Just a way to reflect and remember Mum and Dad
Will be having a look through the posts shortly.
Hope you havent been suffering with the heat too badly. Lovely and cool in the theatre although really hot when coming back outside.
Sending love and best wishes to all
Neil x
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I had a rather healthy chicken burger 
followed by a mars bar ice-cream, I did have loads of grapes 
and a pear 
at work to balance it out.
I do have a fan, but not much help with all the copiers, really need air conditioning but canāt see that happening. Just have to try and keep cool 
At least Friday is my short day. Enjoy your day off tomorrow. X X
So glad you enjoyed the show and very nice that Isabella left you a lovely personal message xx
Iām feeling left out today as weāve not had much heat or sunā¦will see what tomorrow brings lol x
Nice too that you got to the choral show and hope you had some nice memories xx
What have you planned for the weekend?
Iām up at the Loch again on Sat but have heard the sad news that the smallest osprey chick has been killed by itās siblings because the food has been a bit scarce 
xx
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Hi Neil, Iāve seen the film loads of times hard to imagine how it moves to the stage, does the delorean fly over the stage like they did in chitty chitty bang bang stage show.
It was nice to get a message from your ballet friend, you are obviously well thought of.
On such a hot day I image the church was lovely and cool too, keep cool tomorrow.
Debbie X
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Hi Debbie
Yes the car does fly over the audience at the end . The special effects are some of the best Iāve ever seen. Bits cut from the film and dance numbers added. It works very well x
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Hi Suzanne
The buzz from the audience was tremendous and everyone leaving with smiles on their faces , including me. Feel so jammy getting another seat upgrade . All the people round me that I spoke to had upgrades as well.
The choral service was a nice way to start the afternoon.
As for the weekend I wasnt planning anything but next week was going to a museum exhibition until I heard about the train strikes so I could do that at the weekend . I need to work my finances out first though and might go last minute.
Speak soon
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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I will report back tomorrow on the doc appointment. Am making a list tonight to take with me.
Today was a full on āwhyā. Mum was plagued with whys throughout her life with so many losses and I was always telling her we must be grateful for what we have etc. now I am in the why me trap myself, I suppose it is the anger seeping out.
The one angry thing I did after she died - I bought her a little ceramic elephant on our last trip to London which came in a matchbox and was meant for health. Of course we can back and everything went downhill. A few days after she died I took the elephant outside and smashed it against the garage wall shouting āfat lot of food you were!!ā
@NEILB72 your theatre trips look great. Mum and I loved the theatre trips. Not something I could do on my own, not sure where it will fit in my future.
@Debbie57 I voluntarily ate an apple today!!
Beki x
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Hi Debbie,
OMG! The heat is intense and itās going to be 32 tomorrow so donāt know how Iāll cope. Stay in the shade with the cats and very little gardening I should think. I might just sit in the big pond and scoop some more mud out. That way I can get the job done and freeze while Iām doing it!Goyt some more planting done again today but itās such a mammoth task. Starting to take shape but have to stop because the watering needs doing with the heat and it takes a good 2 hours. But Iāve planned for potting up the dahlias in large tubs for an awkward large space beneath a big tree where the soil is rootbound and hard to dig any depth. So I just need to empty the pots of plants to dig in (think Iād pass out if I tried that tomorrow). Might have to abandon my runner beans as theyāve been shredded and the ones that are left are very spindly. My orchard really isnāt doing too well. No tomato seeds are growing either but the raspberries are growing on so I staked them today to help them.
So sorry to hear of your difficult days. I was having a good run after swimming and kept wondering when grief would catch up with me. It did. My friend didnāt feel well and went up to A and E. I was waiting for him to call for me to collect him so he didnāt walk back and it hit me like a brick, when I had to leave the hospital without mam because she had died. Iām crying now. I hadnāt returned to that feeling since it happened. I was so overwhelmed with everything else. But leaving her behind, knowing she was gone, having to drive home with my sisters, shell shocked. My lovely mam. I want her to come back so much. Itās 29 weeks today. I posted on her tribute site how much I miss her and that doing the garden makes her closer to me. I miss the old garden and wish they hadnāt moved. She didnāt want to and I said it wasnāt too late, even when we were packing up. She had felt bullied into it. Thoughts keep tumbling and I just canāt stop them.
You are so lucky to have your lovely friend and Iām glad you enjoyed yourself at the theatre. Itās a real lifeline for Neil and I do think heās rewarded with upgrades because heās a seasoned visitor. Iām sure you can go to see Jurassic on your own. It is a big step but think it through into small chunks and deal with each chunk as it comes along (in therapy mode now). Itāll be so worth it to see the film. I always have to wit until they come out on Prime but Iāve also joined Netflix which is so much better (zombie films I havenāt seen).
I bet youāre a lovely grandma. Mam was. She has 3 daughters, 2 grand daughters, 2 grand sons, and one of each for the grand children. I never wanted kids. Never had that need that seems to drive everyone else. Mam loved being with us all. She is so loved and missed.
Iām planning on swimming again Sunday with my niece and little nephew if he wants to come. Think he has some tadpoles for me too. Iām hoping to have a joint birthday bbq for them soon and have offered their dad to do that at mine if he wants to. I can go swimming on my own then. Iāve done it before (pre covid) and if I need help they can rescue me! Just hope the creep doesnāt start his antics, though Iām sure he wonāt be as brave with a bloke in my garden. Sure he only peers at women who are on their own and an easy target. Would be nice to invite my friend too though Iām not sure if he would come along.
Good luck tomorrow with the heat. I remember one summer it got up to 40 and I couldnāt leave the house. Glad Iāve done some ice for drinks. Will take some pics tomorrow and post.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Tina,
If you wear your winter clothes tomorrow you will pass out! I have some lovely floaty dresses and kaftans (just like a tent really) which are cool and easy to wear. Will be living in the shade with the cats and very little gardening I should imagine.
Did more planting today but it really is dragging on now. I thought Iād be done by now. Didnāt find any more bread in the garden from the creep so maybe giving no reaction stopped him doing it again.
Iām really looking forward to swimming Sunday and my little nephew might be coming along too. Hoping to have some birthday bbqās soon for them. Donāt know what they want but cash usually works a treat and if itās something specific (my nephew usually has quite a list to choose from!) my niece will go with me. I thought your candles were a lovely gift. I love candles. Maybe thereās stuff going on and itās not about the pressie.
Hope Zoe is coping in the heat. Does she have her paddling pool up? My sisters dogs loved it and had their own. Sheāll need it tomorrow. Mind you sheāll probably burst it as youāre blowing it up. The cats will be lounging around the pergola as usual. Itās a very peaceful setting. Just wish I didnāt have all the work to do. And I wish my garden was like Montyās. Iām always very miffed when Iām watching Gardeners World. Canāt believe itās Friday again tomorrow. The time is either flying by or standing still.
Going to catch a gory film I havenāt seen so will catch up again tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
That sounds amazing, with the car over the audience. Chitty was my fave film from childhood. I have watched it many times over the xmas period too as an adult. Your pics look fab. And I hope the church was uplifting and like someone else said probably very cool. Iām a bit lost off with everyoneās posts. Started posting last night and then watched a good film, āCement Plansā I think. Love gritty drama. Got to bed late and then up early for the garden as the creep left early but he sneaked back again for lunch. If he goes back out I can continue taking old arches down to be replaced with new. Itās a massive tangle of a climber and Iāve been cutting out the dead dense undergrowth. Itās so heavy but if I thin it out it will have a growth spurt. Cut a bit of tree down to let in light. Will take pics.
Itās always an adventure planning the garden. Itās always a work in progress but the vision never becomes the reality. Enjoying it though and keeping cool in the shade. Opening out the area at the top pond so I can sit under the trees in mams chair. The cats have all found shady spots to retreat to so Iām on my own. Itās a scorcher!
I had word back from the council that the lovely man Iāve been dealing with will have a word with the head housing officer about the creep throwing bread in my garden and cutting down trees and hedges. Heās such an irritation. Heās usually out until late so Iām hoping to start planting when I go back out there.
I was wondering if your enthusiasm for the theatre might lead to job offers of some sort. You never know. You should put the word out to your dancers. Never know what will come back to you. Many jobs are word of mouth and people who know people. You are known to them so would be recommended Iām sure.
Hope you do get to the museum. It can be a very long week if the tube strikes stop you getting out.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Beki,
Just catching up with everyone from last night. I hope your headache is a little less banging today, especially in the heat. Did your GP appointment go to plan? It has taken years and reporting my GP practice to the Ombudsman several times for them to recognise me now as being agoraphobic, despite letters from my therapist and the fact that I cannot go into the surgery. Amazing the lengths I have to go to to be heard.
Your poor little elephant! I wish I had the anger. I could deal with that much better because it gets it out of the system instead of feeling guilty about anything and everything as a way of punishing myself. Mam feels very far away again. She keeps bouncing back, like I was explaining to Debbie, remembering leaving the hospital when she had died. Donāt want to start getting upset again as Iām waiting to go back out to the garden. Just waiting for the creep to buggar off back to work. Iāve been in the shade trying to detangle the massive climber so I can put up new arches. Rejigging the space and I didnāt intend doing that when I went out there. Itās a distraction from doing more planting up. So exhausted but it needs to be done. Think I ordered too many plants and should have got the soil prepped before I ordered. But I can sit back and enjoy it one theyāre in. Iām not great at just sitting. Always on the go. Iām sure Iām still hyperactive. I was when I was little and never slept. Dad would drive me round in the car at night to try to soothe me but it never worked.
Still waiting for the creep to go. Will be stuck in my bedroom if he stays. It really is like being a prisoner at home.
Hope the sun helps with your head. Maybe sit in that shaded bit in your trees. I imagine myself there with a cold glass of something. The cats would love it too.
Going to check if his van is still parked. Really ought to get my cameras up again.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzanne,
Just catching up with everyone as Iām stuck in with the creep at home. Hoping heās going back to work. He usually does on a Friday. Been enjoying the shade of the big trees at the top pond, taking down old arches (to be replaced) and trying to detangle the mess of the climber. I enjoy doing it. Itās like an intricate puzzle, cutting away the dead bits to lighten the weight.
You are lucky not having this heat. Iām sure itāll make itās way up to you. It will cool off slightly but still hot. Iām ok as long as I donāt move too much!
Such sad news about the little chick. Nature is cruel. I canāt watch things about animals being killed. I know itās about survival but I canāt bear it. Looking forward to new pics. Will take pics of the new space Iām creating if he buggars off.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Sure was a spectacular show . The effects were brilliant. Nice and cool in the auditorium which was nice.
So frustrating the creep is still hanging about. Letās hope he does bugger off to work and you can get out in the garden properly.
Still debating whether to go out somewhere this weekend rather than in the week . Downside is museums are packed at weekends. Where I went last week at the Royal Albert Hall , Exhibition Road has a big free festival all weekend which could be good. Natural History, V and A and Science Musems all there as well. I cant believe Iāve never been to the V &A all these years.
From next week Iām getting some targeted support for my job search as I have been bereaved you get a bit more help.
Hope that weirdo does go to work or buggers off somewhere and you can relax a bit and get outside.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Sadly having an absolute bastard of a day (pardon my french)
The Doc was nice, going for lots of blood tests next week. Has given me beta blocker on top of everything else. Took half of one when I got back and it made me feel freezing and shaking and I ended up under a blanket on this the hottest day of the year!
A friend who was meant to be coming tomorrow has called off. I feel so lonely, though the person I want isnāt here and isnāt going to be.
Just feels bleak and lots of other little niggles today like the DWP sending letters to say sorry about mum but they overpaid so pay back and I know I have other admin to deal with.
Canāt help looking to the future and catatrophising. Just want to close my eyes and go. Feel very teary.
Feel like I have so few people to call for company in person, and that those I have I am putting on. Chatted to friends on messenger a lot but it doesnt stop the hurt of missing Mum. I just want her back.
Sorry, just having a really shit day
Beki x
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Hi Beki, sorry you having such a bad day, but look on the positives you it made to the doctors and safely home again.
If the beta blockers giving you side effects, speak to the pharmacist where you collected them from, they are brilliant for advice and might make suggestions.
Unfortunately friends do occasionally cancel, it might be a genuine reason. I know you now feel let down, and it making you feel the loss of your mum even more, because mums never let you down. Phone someone up to chat to, your grandad, another friend or even like Neil often does the Samaritans. There is always us on here.
Donāt over think take one problem at a time, small steps, ring the DWP to sort out overpayment, and the other admin do one thing at a time.
I know you said you feel chilly on the hottest day of the year so far, but the weather is probably not helping.
I try not to think to far in advance it can be daunting, just take everyday one at a time.
Sending big hug 
Debbie X X
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Hi Beki,
Sorry to hear of your shitty day x
I know your friend will have their reasons for not making it tomorrow but understand your sadness at the loss of the company x People who have company donāt often understand the impact (even though it canāt be avoided) that cancelling can have x Never want to shame them for cancelling but can understand how low itās left you feeling x
I still dread letters that come in for mumā¦I just now throw them away and donāt open them as everyone who needs to know has been told so junk them x
Is there anything you could do tomorrow on your own perhaps? x I know itās not the same as having company but you may meet some people you can chat with x I donāt know Iām not good at going out on my own but getting better as just have to I guess x
Like Neil I try and only look maybe a week ahead at a time and even then thatās sometimes too much x
Glad your doctors were sympathetic with you and hope you feel better soon xx
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Hi Beki
Sorry that youāve had a bad day. Iāve had some dealings with the DWP and it was a bloody nightmare.
Disappointed for you that you wont see your friend.
Please be assured there is a better day round the corner . You have always got us and we will always support you
Hope tomorrow is better
Sending lots of love
Neil x
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Hi Christine, did the creep bugger off and did you manage to get your new arches up. We have a small pond here but in our old house we have a massive pond the size of a small lake. The bigger they are the easier to look after. I often used to go in it in my shorts to sort the plants out.
Iāve had problems with my flowering cherry tree, small black bugs on the leaves which are now shriveling and turning brown, you said your orchard is suffering too. I hope my tree survives.
Is you friend okay, that you took to the hospital, it can be upsetting going back to a place where our loved ones last were. I remember coming home from Kettering Hospital the day Doug died. It was sureal, everyone around us was carrying on as normal and our world had just been shattered. Iāve been back a couple of times since and it brings back such sad memories.
Iām going to sit out in the garden for a while now itās cooled down and itās nearly Gardener World time.
Lots of love X X
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Hi everyone, hope those of us in the south enjoyed the hottest day of the year so far. Sorry for those that missed it, but it has been to hot for me. My garden thermometer 
said 35c at one point. But on the plus side I got loads of washing dried. Itās my half day today and I defrosted my fridge freezer, I lead an exciting life.
Going to sit in the garden with a coffee now itās cooled down a bit.
Hope everyone has a positive weekend, sending love and hugs
Debbie X X
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