CREATING A SHRINE FOR MY MAM

[Debbie57]

Hi everyone
The weather is certainly different today, grey and drizzley light rain all day, glad I watered the garden last night not enough rain to have done any good.

I did it, I went to see Jurassic World on my own, the young guy checking the tickets even offered me a poster. I joked with him I would rather have one of Tom Cruise, so he gave me one. My son in law will love it.
Not sure what the story I was expecting, certainly wasn’t that but I enjoyed the film and not too many eating people so didn’t need anyone holding my hand.
Felt a bit odd sitting in the cinema on my own, thoughts kept me thinking of when I last went with Doug, in one part of the film, where Owen and Clare declared their love for each other I could feel the tears wanting to come.
Was going to go to M&S for a coffee after, but it would have meant waiting another hour for the next bus.

@NEILB72 enjoy tomorrow, yes you are jammy, but good for you it’s nice to have friends like that.

The terrarium looks lovely with the lights in @Beki, it’s nice when you have people that understand like your friend from the craft club. I making a fish out of a paper plate, using tissue paper, as an example for small children to follow in Messy Church, that should be fun, I will post a picture when I’ve done it.

How did volunteering go today @Suzanne30, I hope no more baby chicks died. Did you go to the fayre on the way home and what are “vans” you bought from Vinted 🤷. I need to get more lights for the garden, the ones on the guttering are connected to electric and have some on the front of the house too. Doug loved sparkly lights. Only trouble with solar lights they only seem to last a year, but Home Bargains are good for cheap lights. Our garden is private 6ft fences all round, which is a good job I’ve spent many a hour sobbing in the garden over the last few months.

Your memory box is very special now you have a plaque on it for your mum @nicnic it looks lovely.

Hope you are both okay @Tina19 and @christine51.
Are you going swimming again tomorrow Christine, and Tina I hope that brother of yours is being nicer to you.

Not sure how I feel about Father’s Day tomorrow, neither of my two have mentioned it. I know my daughter’s going to her in laws for lunch. Every year I deciate a tree to the National Forest in his memory from all of us.

Yesterday a friend found a photo on Facebook of Doug over forty years ago when he was driving for Robinson Coaches, it’s moments like those that bring all the emotions rushing back.
Speak to you all soon
Debbie X

[NEILB72]

Hi Debbie
Glad you went to the cinema. I love going on my own . After all you’re sitting quietly in the dark . You can escape into another world . That was good getting the Tom Cruise poster. Well done for going!
I am really jammy at the moment but I look at it that it’s a sign Mum and Dad are smiling down on me.
I can’t remember if I posted earlier that my ticket is only £10 which I could have chosen any seat in the Royal Albert Hall. Hopefully I can thank Ashley in person tomorrow .
Hope your Saturday evening is as good as can be
Love and best wishes
Neil x

[Debbie57]

Hi Neil, yes, £10 is an excellent price for Albert Hall. Planning going again now I’ve done it once to see Thor coming in July.
Have a good evening
Love Debbie X

[Beki]

I found a pair of copper hearts in fused glass pendant I’d made so decided to tie them on mums ashes casket like a permanent hug for her. I hope she can feel it where she is.

Beki x

[Beki]

Tonight could see both ends of a rainbow from the front and back of the house. The sky looked on fire

The glass flower is one mum made and the butterfly hanger on it is one a friend sent me after Mum passed. The glass these petals are made of were here favourite colour of glass and tonight’s sky really highlights them

Anyone else got nice skies tonight! Hope it inspires me to do something creative tomorrow!

[christine51]

Hi Neil,
Did you get out to the festival and museums today? Sounds good. Wish I could pop off to places. Would make such a difference. Think I last visited all of the ones mentioned 30 years ago when I was at college for a foundation course in art. Can’t believe it’s that long ago!
Great news that you’re getting help with your job search as long as they aren’t pushing you into any old thing. I hope it’s not a trap disguised as help. If you get a good person you could explore other things like courses to brush up on skills and online things. Hope it’s a good step forward.
I’m sure you’ve probably updated your post. I have a lot to get through! but I did get in the garden today and stayed out there even when I knew the creep was home. The urge to finish my arches (renewing the old with arches and obelisks) was greater than my not wanting to be watched, keeping a close eye on his garden and a hard stare incase he dared come out when I was there and my phone at the ready for evidence. But he stayed in as far as I’m aware. Created a wonderful space with offcuts of tree branches. Still have to untangle and train in the climber, having already removed quite a bit. But the structure is done and ready to be dressed. Very pleased. I’ll continue the same effect with my new arches leading up the path so it matches.
Have had a fab idea for that hedge the creep peers through. Instead of a fence (which I’m sure he will remove anything on his side) I’ll create a structure with wood I already have and will fill it with bug hotel things - straw in pots, bee houses, bird houses, bricks and stones, string etc. Can add to it in the autumn with woodland finds. Can pack it as dense as I can so he won’t be able to see through. Was inspired by a garden at one of the shows Monty was at. So it’s really an upgrade on what I already have now. Also, I could get camaflage netting (ivy) and add proper ivy and a climber which is ready grown. Can work on it over the summer and just keep filling it in. So relieved to know what I’m doing with that area. Creep will hate it! I can extend it into the trees so there won’t be a peep for him to see through.
Enjoying the downpour and thunder. Was in the bath with the ceiling hatch open in the kitchen so really stotting overhead. Always reminds me of camping holidays and being little.
Still getting hit with intense sadness and real panic about mam but then it eases and I am able to sit with it and eventually return to what I’m doing. I miss her so much. Doesn’t help that it’s Father’s Day tomorrow and still haven’t heard from Dad. Doubt I will. Didi you get some flowers and a card? You are really lucky to have had such a close and loving relationship with your Dad. I know you will be upset but cherish that love. We don’t all have it.
Going to plough through the rest of the 30 posts! Have a good day tomorrow if you do go out to visit anywhere. Going to rain so take a brolley. Thunderstorms again.
Lots of love xxx
Couldn’t take pics of today but will post my others I took yesterday tomorrow x

[christine51]

Hi Beki,
You really are having a shit time! I’m so sorry you aren’t well on top of missing your mam. I keep getting intense sadness and then real panic when I’m hit from nowhere with random thoughts. Hopefully the beta’s will stabalise you physically and then you might feel a bit more balanced and able to get through the day better. I know I felt quite rough after my booster jab and not feeling great always makes me feel more fragile. Catastrophising is all part of what we do. My therapist is always telling me I’m doing it. I would give anything, do anything, just to have mam for a minute to cuddle and tell her how much I love her. This is the worst torment we will ever endure, I’m sure. I can’t see an end to it and I’m dreading the winter when I won’t be out in the garden. Keeping busy helps me keep mam alongside me. It’s when I stop that I fall apart.
You mention about an overpayment for your mam. Don’t pay it back. I’m sure they can’t force you to if it’s their error. You shouldn’t have to be dealing with that when you are grief stricken.
It’s a shame that your friend has cancelled. At least you have real friends to be able to call on. I don’t because I can’t socialise with my agoraphobia and had to leave all my friends behind because of the stalking. I know that feeling of feeling so alone. But I also know that my mood will eventually pick up and I’ll move forward and things will improve. Could your Granddad not come back again? I’m sure he’d love the company too.
I’ve booked a swimming session for myself tomorrow because I paid my membership and my niece is seeing her Dad tomorrow for Fathers Day. We had planned on going tomorrow. Feeling a bit brave. Sure it will be a different story when I have to leave the house!
I posted to Neil about my garden today but didn’t get pics because I got in late. Will post some I took yesterday tomorrow.
You will start to feel a little better in time. We are all here for you. We all know your pain. I still just want to be with mam and cannot believe it’s true. It still doesn’t feel real even after these 6 months. Don’t know how I’m still here, waking up and getting through the day. It’s always a relief to get to bed time. Keep posting.
Lots of love xxx

[NEILB72]

Hi Christine
Anything that can stop the creep peering through is good . The bloke needs help.
I’m out tomorrow. Change of plans as I’m back at the Royal Albert Hall for the last performance of The Car Man . My lovely friend Ashley gave me a friend discount code for a £10 ticket and I’ll see her right up close on stage second row from the front . Just been talking to her about 10 mins ago. She always makes me smile.
Will hopefully do a museum exhibition first
Just had a thunderstorm here and supposed to be cooler tomorrow !
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x

[christine51]

Hi Debbie,
I had a good day today doing my arches and obelisks, craeting a structure to replace the old for the tangled climber. Will use lengths of bamboo to lift sections and attach the bamboo to the structure to get it all back up. Massive job but really pleased. I did it despite knowing the creep had come back. The urge to crack on and get it finished was more intense that the fear of being watched. I kept checking but as far as I know he didn’t come out. Probably still watching from his window but I didn’t see him. And I’ve decided a massive bug hotel will fill in that entire section of hedge. I’ll pack it so he cannot see through. So pleased to have finally made a decision on it.
How wonderful to have had a lake in your garden! I’ve seen Monty doing his in his waders. I need to get more mud out at one end of the big pond so II can plant up around the edge. And I need to get proper water plants for both. The massive grasses I dug out of the beds are doing well so they’ll do for softening the edges.
My cherry tree is the same and it was by chance that I read in an old magazine not to worry at all about it. It’s a natural condition that doesn’t harm the plant. I’m really disappointed with my orchard. Tomato seeds haven’t grown (I’m sure they started doing well on the windowsills and then I put them out and the slugs must have feasted on them) and my runner beans are shredded (wondering whether to coax the stragglers or just bin the lot). So much hard work. Won’t bother again. I only did it because mam did it and hers were always full of fruit and lasted well into the Autumn. I’ve learnt that nothing will be as planned and always delight in the little surprises along the way. Found a very odd hairy ball attached to my rose tree. Will post pics tomorrow. Never seen anything like it.
Yes, my friend is doing well. He overdid it on the vodka and had a scare but is ok after the blood tests, ECG etc. I’m so health conscious now and don’t drink or smoke and eat healthy. All I want to do is be with mam but at the same time I’m terrified of dyeing alone with nobody to notice I’ve gone. I keep wondering how frightened mam must have been. I keep thinking of all the things I would say to her if I could go back to when she was in hospital. Picking up my friend took me back to when mam left and it hit me so hard it was like I was reliving that moment. It was the most surreal experience. It was about 3 am and I drove back in shock with my 2 sisters. We’ve never been so disconnected, each inside our own heads trying to process what had just happened. Don’t know why Dad didn’t even wait for us.
I’m so relieved it’s cooled down after the thunder and rain. Nice sitting without the tv on. I was just saying to Neil and Beki I had 31 posts to catch up on. Not sure I’ll manage them all tonight! But it is so lovely to know that we are all here for each other. I often think of everyone when I’m in the garden.
Going swimming tomorrow on my own! My niece is seeing her Dad so can’t go as planned. I’m sure I can do it. It’s not far and also close to my therapist. If I freak out I can always phone him. I find swimming very freeing, calming and invigorating at the same time. Want to see how many lengths I can do. Will let you know.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Neil,
Oh, that is so kind of her. You are lucky! There really are such lovely people in the world and it makes such a difference. Enjoy it! xxx

[christine51]

It might seem boring doing tasks and getting things done but it’s so rewarding when it’s hot and the washing dries in no time instead of hanging around on radiators. It’s these little things that make me feel like I’m winning.
Forgot to check my thermo.x

[christine51]

Hi Beki,
Heavy, pounding rain was made for caravans! I wish I could pop round. I forgot about Matilda and for a mo didn’t know what was going on! That’s great that your mate is coming round. Bet she has some words of wisdom for you. Maybe you’ll feel closer to your mam doing your glasswork. That’s why I garden like a mad woman. Simply because mam loved to garden. She spent her happiest times fiddling about. I wish I was more like her. I keep heaping all these jobs onto myself and always achieve them but never really just sit and enjoy what I have done. Mam would be making me a tea and telling me to sit down and rest. I’m always in such a rush to get things ticked off the list. I wish I’d done less and sat with her more. But she would be amazed at what I’ve achieved.
Enjoy your crafty day. I’m sure Matilda will have missed you.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Your little owl looks real in the twilight, like he’s just chilling, enjoying the evening. I miss all my birds now that I’ve stopped feeding them, including my robins who used to always accompany me round the garden. Can’t risk getting the rats back. x

[christine51]

Hi Nic,
So lovely to have you back with us. I’m trying to get through everyone’s posts too!
It’s 6 months for my mam and I don’t know how I’ve managed to get through each day. It’s always a relief to know I’ve done another day. If it wasn’t for the garden I don’t know how I would cope. I imagine mam with me as I work through my projects. Keeping busy with the girls must help just on a practical level because you have to be there for them, get them to school etc. Are you able to have any more sessions? I know Neil always rings Samaritans when he needs to. Would you try that? I’ve realised with my therapy I’m quite self reliant but have needed to see him more than my usual, even if it is just to cry. Maybe your GP can offer another course of counselling. I know that when I’m stuck in the house (when the creep is at home) I implode and drown in sadness and longing to have her back or be with her. I’m dreading the winter when I won’t be slogging my guts out and will have to face all the thoughts I’ve been running from.
Your box is really lovely. Like you said you can add bits over time and build a montage of memories. I wish I had kept cards and things but I was never sentimental. Mam kept everything. She had things from when we were little in her bed drawer. It just breaks my heart that I didn’t tell her how precious she is to me. It’s always there, waiting for me to reach out to her. I don’t know how we will ever move forward. It feels like I’m just not confronting the sadness. I drown in it when I can’t escape it. The garden is like a refuge from my grief (but not always).
I’m going swimming again tomorrow but on my own because my niece is seeing her dad and grand parents. I’ve sorted the membership and am forcing myself to do it. I love swimming and feel free from anxiety in the water. Looking forward to it.
It has been so scorching that I’m glad it’s cooled down with the thunderstorm and downpour we just had tonight. Love a good storm.
Hope the other situation is in hand and you are still managing to ‘keep calm and carry on’ as the saying goes.
Glad to see you back here again. Always think of you when you don’t post and wonder how you are.
Kisses to the girls.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Tina,
Lovely to catch up with you. Always miss you when you don’t post. I can just see you and Zoe playing together now, you doing all the hard work and Zoe seeing how she can wind you up. My sisters dogs loved the hose, especially when it was aimed at them. She obviously adores you!
I am so exhausted with the gardening! I always take too much on, create huge projects that are impossible to finish. I know I have all summer but it would be nice to just sit, especially in the heat, and not have to get up and crack on. I still haven’t finished the planting up and have lost a lot to slugs. But I did enjoy recreating the arched area to the top pond, replacing the old with a better layout. Still have to get pics but can post things I did the other day, including a very odd hairy growth on a climbing rose.
How kind of your sister to give you half of her David Austin. Two of mine are doing well and one not so. I’ve just repotted one from a planter into a hollow bottomed wooden planter so it is in compost but the roots can explore and not become root bound. What colour is your rose? I have red and white and the perfume is lovely. I keep getting wafts of fragrance and wonder where it is coming from and realise my garden is indeed now fragranced as well! Never noticed it before.
I am so bitten by midgies with staying out late. Driving me mad. Hope the swimming tomorrow will calm the bites. Sure all that chlorine will do something. Going on my own because my niece is with her dad and his parents for Fathers Day. Still haven’t heard from dad so won’t be contacting him. One of his expressions is ‘You jammy sod!’ Maybe’s it’s a Northern thing.
I’m actually pleased it’s going to rain tomorrow and that I’m swimming so don’t have to get out there again. Really taking it’s toll now. I do enjoy it but it’s never ending. Sorry for having a moan. I’m usually so enthusiastic. Exhausted!
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Suzanne,
Just saying to Tina how exhausted I am with all the gardening. Will post pics tomorrow but didn’t get pics of todays fabulous creation! Replacing the old knackered arches with new and has created a better space leading up to the top pond.
Going swimming on my own !!! tomorrow because my niece is seeing her dad for Fathers Day and I’ve already bought my membership. Getting there alone is the hard bit but once I’m in and swimming I’ll be secretly loving it.
I’m so exhausted when I get into bed I usually watch a bit of You tube’s Soft White Underbelly (crack addicts etc) and a bit of a zombie film (Ravenous is good) but am just so tired. I think all this gardening is taking its toll. Saw a good film on the horror channel ‘Concrete Plans’. Love brutal, gory horror and gritty drama. Will try The Boys. Really want to see Nomadland but can’t get it for free. Will just wait. Looks really good. Love the idea of living out of a camper van, roaming around with no responsibilities. Some peeps earn a living blogging about doing it, recording their journeys. A lot more peeps are doing it now in America because the cost of rent and property is so high and it’s silly paying for a place to just lay your head when all you do is go to work to pay for a place you just sleep in.
Have you seen The Bad Batch? That’s brilliant.
Did you get any sun up there in Scots land? I’m so relieved the downpour has cleared the air. Love a thunderstorm. Wish I was in Beki caravan earlier.
Have fun with your volunteering.
Lots of love xxx

[Tina19]

No way Neil that’s incredible. It’s those nice little gestures that put a bit of a spring in your step isn’t it.
x

[NEILB72]

Hi Tina
The £10 ticket I’ve got I could have sat anywhere in the Royal Albert Hall for that price so no way was I going to say no. I’m right near the stage as well. Still cant believe it. Needed to get out because of Fathers Day and counselling coming up tomorrow . Need to keep my head in a good place !
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x

[Tina19]

Hi Christine
Nice to hear it’s all coming together. What a blessing it must be to have that outdoor space to experiment with and enjoy.
The roses I have from years ago have huge blooms on them now. A dark red, deep pink and a white climber. Also a really prolific pink patio climber from B and Q.
I also have the David Austin Yellow, a Whisky and the wild roses. I don’t think the other ones I rescued from the clearance sections will flower this year though.
People must get bored of my Zoe stories. However, if I talked about my Brothers antics all the time I’d be booted off the site as expletives aren’t allowed! The other night he’d gone out to his Gym session. 12.30am the dog was barking so I thought it’s OK, it’s just him parking his car so I rung his phone just to confirm. Apparently it wasn’t him and he told me I had to get out of bed to see to the dog in case it annoyed the neighbours whilst he was out doing his own thing. It’s that kind of stuff that gets to me. I don’t mind seeing Zoe is OK but his attitude isn’t ok. Sometimes it’s 1am and I’m throwing a ball in the garden to get it to wee. I wish I knew a way to get it to wee. Won’t even wee on walks. I don’t think hypnosis will work!
Hope swimming goes well today. Looks a bit on the rainy side today.
Hahaha Jammy sod! Round our way it’s "Jammy Beggar/Bugger. When you think of all the sayings, some long forgotten it makes you both amused and sad. One I haven’t heard for a while is “You know what thought did, … followed a dust cart and thought it was a wedding.” I’ve never used it myself but it just popped in my head.
Going back to the roses they sound lovely having a fragrance. I did well at an independent garden centre and found a fragrance rose on the clearance sections!
Have a good day today xx

[Tina19]

Hello Beki

Sending kind wishes to you Beki. Hope you are feeling a bit steadier today.

That glasswork is stunning. What a lovely piece. Was it just a hobby of Mums or a little business. The skies are beautiful. Nature often gets underestimated I think and your photos just show the beauty of it.

Hope today is kind to you.