I’m missing my mam so much. It’s been 13 weeks and I still cannot believe it’s true. I wish I could have taken her place. I just don’t want to be here without her. I remember the days in the photograps. Mam’s so happy and always smiling. I should have taken better care of her, visited every day but I felt so trapped I couldn’t leave the house. I wish I’d lived with my parents when they retired instead of being here alone. I could have done everything to help her. It’s too late and I’m panicking because I can’t do anything now to fix things and make her alright again. I just want her back and for it to have never happened. I can’t move on without her. I can’t leave her behind.
I got a text from my niece explaining about the take away account. I was so pleased to hear from her. I miss her. We used to go out on the bikes to the park and swimming. I miss my old life before my world fell apart and mam became the centre of my everything. I just want to be with her. I was so pleased in the previous post that I’d been heard and understood. Nothing means anything to me again without mam. I don’t know how I’ve managed this far. 13 weeks and through xmas. My memory tree is still alive. I’m amazed. I must check the water tomorrow. I wish I’d been able to be with mam all the time or stayed longer when I did visit. Before they moved I was every other day, working in the garden and doing whatever jobs they needed doing. Mam is such a special person, so kind and loving. I should have told her why I loved her as much as I do. I don’t want to wake up again but I have to for Porscha.
I was alright watching the film and then The First Purge (not as good as the others), even though I felt very down after chatting to dad. And he’s obviously mentioned what I said to Chloe. I wish he hadn’t. I don’t want her feeling bad about it. I love her. She’s my niece.
I really don’t want to wake up tomorrow and face another day of missing mam. It’s just so painful, like nothing else. I wish mam had talked to me about when she’s not here so I would have that to hang onto. She is so loved. I should have died instead. I wish I had. I just want her back. I’ve never loved anyone as much in my life. She is my love and I didn’t tell her. I feel devastated that she didn’t know. I wonder how many people actually end it because they can’t cope with the immense pain. I thought I was moving forward, doing housework and sewing. There is some kind of refuge in the everday stuff we do. Chunks of time. Time has never been so vast. I usually don’t have enough hours in the day to get through the tasks I set myself.
I think I can smell the candle from the chapel of rest. I haven’t thought of her there for a little while. I wish I could visit her. I always had such a headache when I left after crying and talking to her for 2 hours at a time. I can imagine her there, being in that tiny room, with her smiling. And her little purple fingers gently holding the buddha and the blossom. Mam had such tiny hands She was so small and it was a running joke that she’d lost half an inch again. I feel so lost without her. I hope she is with her mam and dad and content wherever she is. I want her to be happy. At least she doesn’t have the trips in and out of hospital now. We couldn’t go with her so she went alone. I should have gone anyway and sat in the carpark to wait for her but I didn’t know the way. The main reason I couldn’t is my panic. I hate it so much for all the time I could have had with her. She understood but it doesn’t make it alright. She would ask if I was coming over today and I wouldn’t be able to. I would do anything to do that now. I just don’t want to be here anymore.
Hello Christine
How are you now Christine? I know that’s a ridiculous question, but I can see you posted in the early hours when desperation and sadness run amok in our worn out brains. By now you’ll have been up a bit and might be feeling a little more settled.
I can see how relieved you were with Suzanne’s understanding words. The meaning behind them hasn’t changed and the understanding is still there so please cling on to them. Sometimes we are just getting through the day and then something just instantly changes and the enormity of everything seems to come back at twice the strength as before. Not that it ever goes away but it gets through the barrier of the distractions we use. I know you wouldn’t want to leave Porscha, but your words show how much despair you are feeling and I can understand what it’s taking to bear it.
Much love to you Christine.
Thinking of you xx
Hi Christine,
I agree with Tina wholeheartedly that in the middle of the night when your brain is exhausted it plays nasty tricks on you because you are not able to reason or fight. I always see these thoughts as thoughts that we are never meant to hear because they are designed to cause fear and unsettle us but I am often told I have an odd way of thinking 
Your mum would know how much you loved her so I wish you wouldn’t torture yourself with these thoughts.
You say that she knew and understood your situation etc so would not have held it against you for not being able to visit or stay as long as you now wish you’d stayed.
I lived with my mum and I wish I hadn’t taken her presence in the house for granted but she knew I loved her with my entire soul as did she me and she knew I had to work so we could enjoy our holidays/days out so I personally don’t try and have regrets as can’t change them and she knew….pretty sure your mum would have been the same.
No one can tell you not to worry or have regrets as regards your mum but I do feel you torture yourself unnecessarily as you did what was right at the time for you both. I can’t see you mum would have wanted you sitting the car waiting for her at the hospital as her role was a protector. She would tell you what she thought you needed to know or what she thought you/we could handle.
I do think occasionally was my mum ill and didn’t want to tell me because she knew I wouldn’t be able to cope?? I’ll never know but I do know she knew me better than I know myself so did everything she could to protect me and help me after her passing. I know you say you never had a chat with your mum on how you would move on after she passed but I think that possibly be because she knew you are strong enough to come through the other side.
Every morning I wake up I am disappointed as my anxiety kicks off with missing her and it’s a struggle if I even try look further ahead that the afternoon so I can totally relate to how you feel but like you I have Cal and the rabbits to feed so need to get up and feed them.
Just wanted to let you know that we understand how you feel and won’t belittle it. You need to take as much time as you need to move on but she knew how much you loved her and I am so pleased to hear that your niece contacted you 
Hope your afternoon is going better for you,
Suzanne x
Hi Tina, I was so pleased to see your post this morning. You describe how I feel perfectly. I just couldn’t take any more and I was back to despair. I couldn’t post this morning. Just didn’t have the words. I’m feeling better now (still on the verge but holding it back).
I don’t know why but I went in the garden today (maybe because dad had mentioned it) and did quite a bit of work. Each job led to another and I feel better for being out. Tidying up and moving patio furniture gave me a boost. I didn’t realise the creep had got back because he didn’t put his light on and was probably watching me from the dark. I was enjoying preparing pots for Spring flowers with the fairy lights on. That was short lived. I’ve had to come in. I always check to see if his van is at the front and when he realised I knew he was there his light went on and I came in. It’s awful living like this.
I was very aware that mam will never garden again and I wondered if she was around me because of the soft white baby feathers I kept finding. I’m so upset she has died. I still can’t accept she’s gone. I want to potter about with her (not that I do much pottering about because I usually have a firm goal in mind and always push hard to get it done). I just wish she hadn’t died. I was googling what happens when you die and I’m very pessimistic that none of it’s true. I want it to be, that we go onto another spiritual place. I’m so worried that she’s on her own and not with her parents and happy. I still want to die so I can catch up to her and explain how much I missed her when she left.
I was relieved to read Suzanne’s post. Being heard and believed is so important to me because I have nobody in my corner. Even when I got the nasty email my sister wouldn’t stand up with me and didn’t want to be involved. To not speak up when someone is clearly being bullied is appalling because it strengthens the position of the bully. I wouldn’t have been quiet about it if it happened to her. My other sister agreed it was nasty. I just don’t know why people generally treat me badly. I don’t do that to others. I’m just so tired of having to defend myself all the time. It’s exhausting.
I think without you lovely people I really would have given up by now. I have nowhere else to turn and my weekly therapy seems such a long way off. I really do appreciate your kindness and understanding. I feel so defeated. Being in the garden hasn’t really made any difference to how I’m feeling. But the garden does look better than it did.
My niece texted explaining about taking a year out before starting uni. I gave her a list of things I need before they move (from the garden - mams fairy dell, my recycling bin she was using etc). If they do move away as planned I won’t see any of them again. I won’t be able to visit them and cannot have them visit me here because of the creep and other anti social neighbours. So that only leaves dad because my other sister is up north. They’ve lived round the corner for about 15 years. I will be absolutely alone. There was a lot of chat online about being with family and being supportive as a way to get through grief. I can’t have a conversation with dad without him telling my sister because my niece texted me afterwards. So Ii cannot speak openly without it being passed on to the person I’m chatting about. Why do I bother?
The thought of going to the garden centre for compost and plants is a nice one but the reality of doing it in a complete state of panic is too much to contemplate. Dad has no insight into my anxiety so it will be a nightmare to even try. I haven’t seen him since he got back after xmas. Time just slips away and its all such a fog. And I’m too fragile to hide my upset of visiting and seeing all the new furniture and mam not being there. It’s heartbreaking just thinking about it.
Thank you again Tina for your friendship. It really does mean everything to me. And I hope you are feeling a little brighter than you were. Did you get to the graveyard? It might be nice to plant some crocuses around your mam. Or pansies. Brighten up the space. I read that our mams will visit their grave and all the places that has meaning to them as well as watching over their loved ones. I hope so. I hope mam can sense how much I miss her.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
You will see from my post to Tina just now I’m so grateful for your kindness and understanding and friendship. And to Neil. I thought I had been doing well lately. Filling in time without crying was an achievement. Doing my sewing. I’ve been in the garden today. But I’m back to wishing I was with mam and I’m still just here because of Porscha. My therapist has said about torturing myself, wondering if mam knew that I loved her etc and that it’s hard enough just to get through the process without making it harder for myself. You should have been a therapist! I think it’s because I don’t openly talk about my feelings or do cuddles etc. I don’t know why. Mam was so loving and loved a kiss and cuddle. I just wish I had shown her because I can’t now and its absolutely killing me. Mam would be very upset to see me like this but she would know the depths I would go to to feel her loss because I’ve always been emotional and sensitive. She was my protector. I wish I had been hers. I do keep turning it all on myself and I don’t know why. Maybe to punish myself is better than nothing at all. I am absolutely broken again. It didn’t go away but I had put a layer over it and was able to ‘cope’. I just need to feel loved again because mam absolutely loved me. There are pics of me with mam at the caravan when I was about 5 and my sister was a toddler. We were all so happy. I wish I could go back and freeze time. I’ve read there is no time in Heaven, we are ageless and content. I hope mam is there. She was the kindest person I know. My sister said I hate myself and that I have no self worth. I didn’t think that was true. I just think I miss mam so much I can’t bear it and it’s tearing me apart because I know I can’t do anything about it. I just don’t see the point in carrying on for years until I meet her, with each day as empty as mine has been since she left me. And this isn’t because I haven’t experienced life - breakdown of relationships and friendships etc. I just love her so much I never told her why. That’s what’s killing me. I didn’t explain. My therapist says I don’t need to explain. That she knows anyway. But I need to have done that and can’t now. Sorry. I just can’t stop thinking that I should have been a better person than I am. I wish I had been perfect, for her to have never been sad or upset or angry. I know that isn’t realistic. I just can’t stop thinking like this. I wish I wasn’t me.
xxx
Hi Christine.
I 've just seen your last couple of posts and am so sorry that you are feeling very down , although being in the garden seemed to do some good.
What you are feeling seems pretty normal for what we have all been through. I get really bad days during the week where I look back 3 months and go over things and thinking I should have known Mum’s symptoms and thinking what my life was like then compared to now. Also got Mum and Dad’s anniversary coming up later this week so heaven knows what I 'll be like on Friday.
We’re all here to support each other through our grief.
Best wishes and take care
Neil x
Hi to Suzanne and Tina and hope your Saturday has been as good as it possibly can be xx
Hi Christine,
Getting in to the garden seems to have been a braw tonic for you today until that creepy neighbour came back…such a shame he has to spoil your day.
Funny you should say to Tina about crocuses as in our garden my mum had a gargoyle garden ornament that she got from like Past Times many years ago and I noticed today that there are some purple crocus growing and daffodils in another part.
It depends greatly on your spiritual or religious beliefs about heaven/afterlife etc but I believe that all souls go to a place where they can rest and gain strength until they are ready to be reborn and when they are in this special place they are with loved ones and in full peace…that’s just my belief but thought I’d share anyway.
You come across to me as a very caring person and if any consolation I don’t really like showing affection either but so miss my mums cuddles too x
The only thing I wish of you Christine is to stop thinking you could have done more to have helped your mum etc because if she was anything like mine they would hid it all to protect us…you couldn’t have done anymore so please stop torturing yourself with ‘what ifs’ xx
Like you I keep having bad days and I’m sure I’m having more of them these days but I think old Cal (the cat) tonight that I literally can’t live like this any longer and I feel so lost but I keep getting told that I haven’t found my new role or routine yet…thing is not sure I want to 
Your sister saying that you hate yourself and have no self worth actually says more about her and how she feels about herself than you…it’s just like she’s deflecting what she thinks about herself on to you which so unfair on you imo. I think you do have a lot of self worth and pride in what you do so don’t let them try erode your self esteem by pretending that you are the one that needs help/pills etc. I personally think it’s more healthy to grieve at your own pace that repress and deflect.
Hi Neil,
Hope you had a good chat with your friends the day or so.
How long would they have been married on Friday? Are you planning on honouring the day or take it as it comes? Remember we are all here for you if you want to talk about anything x
I was having a decent day today until I found out that one of my ‘friends’ that I was meant to be going on hols with just now that cancelled apparently has gone on holiday somewhere else and no one thought to say. She blames me for cancelling and her losing her money when in fact she actually still owes me money Just hit me that I am alone and would appear to have lost yet another long term friend…like I died to her the day mum did.
However my goddaughter and her boyfriend knew I was upset and lonely so they appeared on my doorstep with cider and pyjamas to stay the night…bless them x
I hope you are having a decent weekend and maybe going to another movie…is Hamilton next week??
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne
Sorry to read that about your ‘friend’. It just shows you in times like this who your real friends are. I’ve had some of that myself.
As for the anniversary I will probably keep things low key and get some flowers. The next time I go to the crematorium will be to bury Mum’s ashes with Dad as that was what she wanted. Not ready to do it yet though.
Yes off to Hamilton on Thursday so looking forward to that . Not sure when my next cinema trip will be as yet. Phoned Samaritans earlier as it does help on days when I have nothing planned and am here with just my thoughts going round and round in my head.
My team West Ham are playing tomorrow . I used to go to football a lot, especially when Dad was still here but in recent years haven’t been much .
Anyway, hope you have a good rest of the weekend and speak soon
Best wishes
Neil x
Hello Christine
I hope you have had an emotionally restful weekend.
I hope you got to go in your garden. You think you will do just a five minute job and then it turns into half an hour and then some more so it’s a nice way to occupy your mind. On the plus side plants etc are nature and don’t judge, criticise or answer back.
Could you invest in some additional fencing to keep your neighbour from looking over at you, then you could ask your family round to sit on the patio? I do know what you mean though about never feeling free of his presence when he is at home. We have a large garden with a guy nextdoor to us and I really dislike not being able to just walk about in the garden. I’ll check if his car is outside and if so I will stay in. I know it’s daft in my particular caae as he isn’t a creep, not to my knowledge.
I managed to get to Churchyard today. But it still feels like it’s another person doing it and my life is still intact, just somewhere else. I just feel in my own world and although I see other people doing stuff I really don’t see myself feeling any connection to anything again. It does make me feel guilty though for feeling this way as I know I’m hardly the only one but I just totally feel bereft of mind and spirit at times
Hope Porscha has been enjoying itself in the sun today. I hope you get to go to the garden centre. Wanting to is half the battle and I like you say, you’d like to. Maybe early on in the week would be much quieter than the weekend.
Love xx
Hello Suzanne.
How are you doing today?
That comment you made about thoughts that strike in the quiet of night aren’t meant to be heard as they cause distress was a brilliant one. You’ve missed your vocation, you should have been a life coach / counsellor. I hope you are showing yourself some TLC as well.
Went to Churchyard today and then to the supermarket on way back. Then I come home. I won’t say to an empty house as somewhere in the house my brother will be, but it’s not “home”. It’s somewhere to keep the cold and rain out. Saying that, it’s more than some have so I should be showing a bit of gratitude.
Sorry about your mate messing you around. You can’t work it out can you. My brother has known this guy for 35years, he’s his son’s godparent, was his best man last year and his gym pal 3 times a week but he’s heard nothing from him since Xmas Eve. Maybe people don’t want reminding of their own loss but it’s hard nonetheless.
Have a peaceful anyway.
Tina x
Hi Neil
Hope you’ve been ok over the weekend and you’ve done some stuff that’s given you pleasure.
I don’t go to the shows/cinema as you do but last week caught myself watching some old Queen hits on YouTube - a blast from the past.
All the best Neil x
Hi Tina
Was a little down yesterday so phoned Samaritans which helped.
Cheered up this afternoon by my team West Ham winning.
You mentioned about shows and Queen , I ve got the musical We Will Rock You pencilled in at my local theatre in June!
Hope you have a peaceful end to the weekend
Best wishes
Neil x
Hello Tina,
It’s always lovely to hear from you and I’m glad you got to visit your mam. I know that feeling of being disconnected, going through the motions. It’s a protective response, to disassociate from reality because it is too stressful or painful. But its good that you went because to not go would play on your mind. It would me and I would feel guilty about it. As to your neighbour, I understand why you don’t want to go out when he’s there. I’ve realised that privacy is a luxury and we certainly don’t want an audience when we are grieving. I heard mock crying from the street as soon as I opened my back door because I’ve been so heartbroken again at night. This is what I am living amongst.
I’m feeling so abandoned by my family and can’t make sense of it. Dad will be having dinner at my sisters as usual. It’s obvious that she doesn’t want anything to do with me after having to pay the money back. After being in the garden yesterday I had a sound sleep without a sleeping tablet but can’t go back out there. I can’t imagine my sister and kids coming round but dad would. But it’s too awkward. Its like he didn’t even want to really talk to me on the phone. I raised my fence panel next to the house above the roof but the creep still has his bin hard up against the fence (I had provided the council with photographs of the dented lid where he was standing on it to watch me over the fence into my window but they didn’t do anything because I didn’t have evidence of catching him in the act). I can’t have a private conversation and dad will not believe me. He gets angry and thinks I am mental.
It’s nice seeing the new shoots. I’d rescued them from an old fishtank I’d used as a planter, thinking the lid would protect from the rain but it had got swamped. I think my wanting to do and actually doing garden pots is very far apart at the moment. To go to get stuff with dad is too far a journey at the mo and the reality of mam not being there. It’s like I’m hiding at home. I don’t have the energy and cannot pretend I’m fine just because dad wants it that way. I can’t do it. It really is a battle of wills on so many fronts.
I’ve been keeping up with the Ukraine situation and I’m finding it so upsetting I have to turn it off. Its the children and animals I worry most about because they don’t know what is going on. I imagine my nephew having to fight in a war like the young Russian soldiers who were captured but allowed to call their mams. It’s heartbreaking on all sides. My mam would be so upset. I’m glad she can’t see it. Dad just isn’t bothered.
I feel so cut off. It’s like my whole family have turned their backs on me. Haven’t I been punished enough in losing my mam? I don’t know how much more of it I can take. I don’t know what I’m waiting for because nothing will change. I am alone and isolated apart from my therapist. I can’t go outside. I don’t want to be awake. It’s like living in a tomb. I wish I could join mam. Sorry, I just can’t pretend that I’m alright.
Going to catch up on the news. Its my new focus for however long I can do it.
Love to you all xxx
Hi Tina,
Lovely to hear from you and as always your kind words lift me up
I went into work for a couple of hours today as we have a big visit tomorrow and thought I would rather help out my team than sit feeling sorry for myself. Also managed to give my goddaughter a lift to work too so killed two birds with one stone.
I am so pleased to hear that you got to the graveyard today and hope the weather was sunny (even if a bit cold) for you. I still talk out loud to mum and usually get an answer (yes it’s probably madness creeping in but hey ho lol) so hoping you can get some peace from going there.
When you were shopping did you get anything tasty for yourself? I forgot I had finished my ice cream so am dessert-less tonight but the scales probably say I could be doing with more dessert-less nights 
. I’ll buy donuts tomorrow lol
Yesterday was a bad day for me for a number of reasons but I met an old friend out shopping who lost her son to suicide just last year and she was trying to comfort me and she looked so lost…all I could think was what a great, strong woman she is taking the time to comfort me when her own grief is still so raw. She has lots of family around but still looked so lonely…hopefully we’re meeting up next weekend for a cuppa.
Today is better and I actually think it’s cause the sun is out and I think you’re spot on getting into the garden and being with nature is sometimes just the tonic we need and think your suggestion to Christine about the bigger fence etc is a cracking idea if practical.
The house is just that now but as you say there are so many who would give their soul for a roof over their head I too shouldn’t be ungrateful.
What are your plans for the next couple of days? I’m waiting on my IKEA delivery on Tuesday so wish me luck putting it all up.
Take care of yourself and always here for you xx
I was listening to the news and heard your team won and my first thought was ‘Neil will be pleased’
Suzanne x
Christine,
Never feel you need to apologise for not being fine. We all unfortunately can empathise with the ups and downs and even further downs of days and would rather you were honest and could try help pick you up even if a little.
I would hate to think what my neighbours hear…probably swings between me howling and shouting at the cat…and you know what I don’t care what others think anymore as I can’t be hurt anymore than I am already hurting.
I can’t believe you have a dented bin lid from your neighbour…what exactly is his end-game by stalking you???
We are al here for you and each other so hoping you get the weather and feel up to going into your garden again soon xx
Yes Suzanne it was a very important win. Got 3 more massive games coming up so we have to get ready for them.
I’m currently watching Now 80s on Freeview Channel 77 . Playing an hour of 1982. Great music on there x
Hiya,
I keep wondering why mam didn’t want to see me before me sister arrived and she ended up in hospital. I was going to finish doing the garden and wouldn’t have even bothered her if she didn’t want me to. I think I am too outspoken, even if it was in concern because she had virtually stopped eating and I was so shocked at her weight loss after holiday. It feels like my life is just a shell of the empty life I was to have, fooling myself that it was so full and I had so much work to do. I started crying for her watching Gogglebox and I don’t even know what set me off. I was given a lock of her hair and realised I kept the offcuts of both mam and dad when I did their hair cuts during lockdown. It was for a new textile celebrating the wisdom of ‘old age’ (hate that expression because it makes them invisible). Now it’s too precious to use. I stuffed it away in the loft in a box and now I want to have it but can’t go up there because I know I won’t be able to stop crying. You are all so understanding and comforting to me and it feels like I’m not able to give the love back. Am I selfish or self indulgent? I wonder if that is why nobody is ringing or texting me. I haven’t done anything so it must be who I am that repels them.
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend and her son. People think that suicide is selfish and I understand that because of the impact on those left behind. But I can understand the deep unhappiness and despair and hopelessness when that is the only option left to stop the pain. I really do not think my family would be surprised or deeply affected. I really don’t They’re ignoring me knowing how devastated I am because my mam has died. How horrible do they think I am that I deserve being abandoned. My niece texted me back about her delaying going to uni but it was a very short conversation. I’ve never felt so isolated in my life. I keep seeing mam in the chapel of rest smiling at me. I can’t bear seeing her because AI miss her so much and it is just too painful to even imagine her now. I can’t visit her tribute site because she’s so happy and enjoying life.
I know what you mean that the worst has happened and you can’t be anymore hurt. The creep situation is so damaging because I can’t get away from him. I hear his front door going when I’m in bed and have caught him creeping about in the dark watching me. Until it happens you have no clue just how invasive it is. I used to not care what people thought about me but now I hide from being watched/seen. The intrusion into ‘normal’ deteriorates quality of life. It’s been ongoing since he moved in years ago. Stalking is so difficult to prove because its voyeuristic behaviour in the shadows. He’s careful not to get caught. I just hope he isn’t filming me, or was watching me sleeping when he got in my house through the hatch (it’s bolted shut now). My therapist deals with these buggars all day long and its about self gratification, intruding into all aspects of a life when that person wants nothing to do with you. My therapist had me check my ceilings for hidden cameras. I didn’t find any but it doesn’t mean they aren’t / haven’t been there. I wish he had attacked me so I could prove what he did. Having evidence / witnesses is crucial and I have neither. But I do have the cigarette burn mark on my wallpaper and the typed sticker very neatly placed on my fridge plug. Like a horror film. He was letting me know he had been there and left me a ‘message’ but I couldn’t prove it, and he knew it. Anyway, he can’t get in now and the council know what he’s done / doing but they can’t do anything. I’m an easy target because I’m on my own.
I managed to do a shop today so have a delivery tomorrow. Treated myself to croissants as treats. I add all the things I would like to have (choc, crisps, icecream etc) then go back and remove them. I do have Mr Jubbly lollies to munch on instead. I’m hoping that depriving myself will lose some weight. My only chance of getting treats is my online shop or the petrol station on the way back from therapy. Mam used to do Lent before Easter and I never did it with her. I wish I had, in support. I realise how disconnected my life was from hers even though I visited a lot and spent more time there than at mine before covid at the old house. I wish I was a more thoughtful person. She was so loving towards me. I know it’s back to the torturing myself again but I just wish I’d been able to tell her because I don’t express love. I don’t want to look weak. That sounds silly when it’s mam but its a self preservation thing. I hate that I wasn’t more open to her. It would have made her so very happy.
I got my roses catalogue but am still not able to even look at it. I’m thinking of filling the patio / pergola with climbing roses to remember mam by and have her close to me. I’m so upset that her time ran out and she didn’t visit my garden since before covid. I’d done so much to it. But then I imagine when I die all the roses and plants will die because I won’t be here to care for them. Wonder what the point of anything is now when we will all die anyway. Sorry.
I’m so tired now that I don’t even need a sleeping tablet. Night all x
Morning Christine,
Hope you managed to sleep some and again I have to disagree with you when you say you wish you were a more thoughtful person as you come across to me as a very thoughtful and loving person but I am the same that I am wary of showing affection as I too see it as a self preservation tool against getting hurt. I once showed that side to someone and I was thrown back in my face and I then vowed never to be hurt that way again. Like you possibly the only person never to do that was your mum and that’s why it hurts and feels so lonely now.
At this moment I’m with you in that I don’t see the point in anything most of the time then I get a moment of clarity and I know that mum would be so disappointed in me if I gave up as she was a very optimistic person full of hope…I’m the opposite as I take after my Eeyore of a father ie always doom and gloom
I find the whole psychological nature of stalkers fascinating but the reality is destroying so although I have no experience of what you are going through I have seen on programmes just how hard it is to get someone to believe you…I do hope there is a way you can catch him doing something that gives Council proof because it may be he’s doing it to others too…
As for the roses, they are my favourite flowers and love David Austin and the climbing roses sound amazing and would give off such subtle fragrances in the sun. Let us know what one you choose when you decide.
Just remember no one here is judging and believe you and wish you a decent day.
Write back when you feel up to it and live to Tina and Neil too
Suzanne x