Hiya, It is true that mam was the only person never to have been spiteful or thoughtless. She didn’t have it in her. I just wish I had shown her / told her how loved she is. Have my shopping delivery so will go as don’t want to be upset. I’m so exhausted, like I haven’t slept.
Love xxx
Hello Christine.
Do you know what Christine my head is that far gone I think I’ve replied to someone, but in reality I’ve only replied in my mind. Maybe I need a very big brandy in my tea.
I was sorting through some stuff from our childhood last night after I’d been to the Churchyard. Really old things. In one way I wish I hadn’t as you start to wonder what happened to these three little children, because they aren’t the same people now. I agree with what you said in a previous post about life’s events changing a person and it does I think. It’s sad though and sorting the things really affected me. We were never a family that were openly affectionate as some are but other than the usual kiddy-fighting we were pretty much the same as everyone one else. I didn’t have a Dad from age 9 though as he passed away from Suicide. My brother was 1 and my sister 4. Anyway that’s enough of my miserable life story. Apart from the memories I think I’ve damaged a rib with shifting heavy boxes. I keep forgetting I’m not 25 or even 35 anymore!
When I went to the Supermarket yesterday to have a little look (I never go to Aldi/Lidl usually) I saw some boxes of all in one box’s of plant seeds. You just sow and rake. These were for bees and wildlife and I thought should I?’, but the gloomy side of me won and I didn’t.
I really feel bad for you with how you are being treated by your siblings. Mum used to say she hated this modern way of life as far as texting/messaging is concerned as it allows for “exclusion” and bad feeling as there is always someone left out, always someone out of the loop. It seems to fuel mistrust I think. Being separated through COVID has also put more emotional space between people too and it hasn’t helped. I wish I could suggest an answer. I think I mentioned my Husband had 5/6 siblings and I’m sure most passed away without being in each others lives due to falling out. I used to think how sad and wonder how things get like that, but I know now how easy it happens. I’m scared of saying the wrong thing to my brother as I know there’s underlying tension between us, and between him and my sister.
I know it bothers you badly about not telling your Mum what you wished you had but what about “actions”, the big things and little things you did for your Mum? It doesn’t always have to be about words. When my Husband was discharged on end of life care several years ago, they said he had a few weeks left. I was going to use those weeks and make them special but he passed away within hours so I sort of understand how robbed you feel. It seems to me you had a much closer relationship with your Mum than your sister’s and that is a huge privilege. No-one could ever diminish that. I know it doesn’t make the missing her any the less.
I hope your neighbour gets what is coming to him. Several years ago we lived in those conditions and all you get from the council is as you say PROOF and evidence. Does he ever say anything to you? Thank goodness he works so he isn’t always there.
Don’t give up on your roses idea. You may feel different today. I know I’ve gone on a bit and said nothing constructive.
Don’t feel bad about feeling bad, I think we are all just managing as best we can.
Much love xx
Hi Suzanne
Hope you are having a fair day today.
I didn’t get anything exciting from the Supermarket. I only went in for a nosy around as it not where I normally go so I thought there’d be something different but nothing really. But there is always chocolate, so I didn’t come away empty handed.
I hope you manage your IKEA stuff tomorrow , I’d been moving boxes and forgot that I’m not exactly superwoman and pulled a rib, so paying for it now.
I haven’t anything planned for the next few days, so it wil be catching up with stuff I’ve been neglecting I think.
All the best xx
Hi to Neil as well.
You’ll have an ace time in June I imagine at the Queen event.
I remember my brother going to see them in Manchester going back a bit now, I’m sure Adam Lambert was fronting then if I remember correctly.
All the best.
Hi Tina
Was just reading your reply to Christine. So sorry to hear your Dad passed when you were only 9.
Usually I have a pretty bad start to the week but feeling OK today. I made a claim for a funeral expenses payment several days ago and just phoned them to check if they got my email with the funeral bill as sometimes it doesn’t go through.
It looks like I’ll be getting a substantial amount back from the funeral costs . I’ll wait until its paid in first though before I get too enthusiastic about it. Mum would be pleased . She couldnt get any bereavement payment after Dad died, so this is for her.
Obviously I want Mum to be here and everything normal but at least it looks like a bit of good news there.
That show We Will Rock You is the one that was in the West End for years and it’s on a final tour round the country
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
It’s so easy to forget we’re not 21 anymore some days and i usually find that when I’m working a heavy delivery and pick up like a 20kg bag lol x hope you can rest a little as sore ribs/pulled muscles are so bloody sore…sure I don’t need to remind you of that lol but I have heard chocolate soothes all aches so munch away guilt free 
All I know is my delivery is sometime tomorrow and I’ll be text in the morning with a 4 hour timeframe. I was trying to tidy up today so I kinda know where everything is going but I found photos in my mums room so didn’t get too far after seeing them 
but will take them out again someday and have a nice look through them.
Went to my pals with her birthday present and she’d made me a nice wee vegan stew type thing so no need to worry about what to have for tea tonight so score!
My mum was the middle child of three and her and my auntie (the eldest) always had such a great relationship and I naively thought all sisters were like that but apparently not and my uncle is god knows where and doesn’t even know my mum has gone but I’ve decided not to worry about things outwith my control and it’s me getting upset and not him. I’ll deal with that if the day ever comes.
I do hope you have a nice rest of the day and always hear of you want to talk xx
Hiya Tna,
I’ve been immersed in the news re Ukraine and have bursts of crying throughout the day for all those who have died, families torn apart because men / young boys (my nephews age) having to fight, the dead and crying children, the animals, the panic and fear… I just can’t take any more death but I can’t not watch it either. I was very upset listening to the text message from a Russian mam to her young son who died. He was so frightened, brainwashed into ‘military operations’, not knowing it was a war. She had no idea he was there and he died while they were texting. It really brings home the fact that not one of my family have contacted me since this began. I feel more alone than ever. I’m glad mam isn’t here to see what is happening in the world because she would be so very upset and wanting to help those fleeing.
I think it’s upsetting looking into the past and wondering how people have grown apart. I was surprised at comments my other sister made about when we were children. things she’s obviously held onto and held against me. Ordinary sister tiffs, not anything cruel. And similar comments made from my other sister. We have never been a peaceful family but I didn’t realise it would shape adulthood. It’s always been there but I didn’t pay that much attention to it. I have been excluded many times - sorting out mams clothes, a close friendship between my sisters, told I am the reason for people treating me the way they do. I think technology does make it easier to exclude because it’s instant and done in secret. I’m so sorry you didn’t have your dad growing up. You must have carried a great sadness with you. I remember being 9, taking the boy I fancied into the garden for a kiss, unaware the at everyone was watching from the window. Mortified!
You’ve planted the seed in my mind of summer with the thoughts of wild flowers and bees and butterflies. I tried the seed boxes but they didn’t come to anything. Wondering if they will this year. I encourage natural weeds because it brings in other wildlife. I’m hoping my pond seeds have grown into plants. It always looks so easy watching Gardner’s World. I still haven’t looked at the roses catalogue or the gardening magazines. I got a subscription for mam for mothers day and have quite a collection when she passed them onto me (for the garden but also as visuals for my textiles). I can’t seem to get the energy to get back out there and its raining now.
I’m feeling more ‘balanced’ and ‘rational’ about mam and less upset today. It’s like I don’t have enough scope in my brain to deal with missing mam and the war. I know mam knew I loved her deeply in the things I did (hair cuts, the garden jobs, spending so much time with them than at home doing my textiles, getting her the perfect presents, spending xmas with them etc). She did know how hard it was for me to leave my house and when it was a real battle, how upset I was when I just couldn’t manage it. I know all of that. It doesn’t cushion the intensity of loving and missing her, as you know (like everyone knows). When I tried explaining to dad about missing mam so deeply because I spent more time with her than my sisters he said he didn’t agree that I loved her more than them. It doesn’t matter what I say he takes it the wrong way. I’ll probably just give up trying to chat to him as it always upsets me more.
Are you going to do anything with the stuff from the loft? You could make a picture gallery of framed mam things to remember her by in different areas of the house. Are you still doing the fresh flowers? I wanted to do that for mams birthday but didn’t want to send them to myself or dad because it would be too upsetting so in the end I couldn’t do anything. That’s why I’ll get climbing roses for the patio. I made a start on doing stones in the pots. I just can’t force myself to go over dads to visit the garden centre.
I’m so exhausted lately. I thought it was the gardening but its more than that. I think grief is physically taking its toll now.
Had a better day today which has surprised me. It’s such a merry-go-round of emotion.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
I’m so pleased you’ve had some good news about the payment for the funeral. I really admire that you are able to sort these things out. I totally fell apart and couldn’t do anything arrangement based but was able to do the photography stuff for the tribute, going through very old slides on the projector, photographing and creating a timeline for the crem service on the laptop, the albums showing mam from birth, childhood dancing competitions with her sister, meeting dad and dancing in the clubs up north, having her family, enjoying holidays and grand children. It conjured up fond memories for family and friends. I also photographed that for the tribute site for those who couldn’t be there. It makes me realise that I did my bit. It gave me focus because I was doing it for mam.
I’m really pleased that you enjoy your concerts and theatre. I think your mam would be very happy and proud of you. I know mam would be so upset to see me like this because I just can’t move on and focus on anything for very long, if at all, and I’m not able to enjoy whatever I’m doing. I’m sure in time I will. I just can’t imagine it. But I did enjoy watching the film of Queen the other week on telly.
Fingers crossed for any news on the job front, especially with the theatre. In between the upset are chinks of light and I do think about you all and how your day is going.
Lots of love xxx
Hiya Suzanne,
I got it too! I’ve very briefly looked inside and I’m hoping I can catch a good mood (and maybe some sun later in the week) to sit down with a cuppa and indulge in dreams of planning my patio. I know I’m late in it being for mams birthday (January) but there’s Mothers Day soon and I could make it a combo present to mam with a collection re discount. I wonder how long it will take to grow onto the pergola. I feel so flat, like all enthusiasm I usually have has left me. I’m hoping Spring will inspire me. I have visions of a perfumed array of creams and pinks. It will remind me of having hot scones with strawberry jam and cream with mam in their old garden. When it’s happening you don’t realise its your best life, precious memories to cling onto later on. Mam was always making tasty treats. I wish I could cook and make the things she did to remember her by. I wonder if her recipes on spare bits of paper are still around. I always used to laugh at her very small wobbly hand writing because mine is so big and messy. Remembering her makes me cry so I have to stop.
I have my therapy tomorrow. I’d be totally lost without it. Its the only day of the week I really know because the rest is a fog.
Lots of love xxx
Can I just say it’s so lovely to have met you all and I feel blessed that I’ve made such lovely friendships. A kiss for each of you xxx
Hi Christine
Bless you. I feel the same. You are all such lovely , caring and even though we haven’t met I regard you all as friends . Obviously we would all rather not have met on here and our Mums were still with us and everything was normal
Love to you all xxx
Same to you Christine. xxx
Love and kindness to you as well Neil, and to Suzanne, whose probably putting her IKEA together as we speak!
xxx
Just wanted to let you know that thinking of you today Neil as know Tuesday is often a hard day for you.
Hopefully you have some sun and it can lift your spirit a little 
Suzanne x
Bless you and if you find anything you like in the brochure let me know and I can have a look and it may be nice to know to that someone is sharing with you at that moment.
Love to you all
Suzanne x
Thank you Suzanne.
At the moment this has been the best Tuesday I’ve had in a while, apart from when I turned the calendar I got Mum over for the new month and got a bit weepy. She never got to see it and would have loved as it’s one of baby animals and she loved all animals( as do I).
We donated to several charities and I 've had to put the brake on them for a while until the finances are flowing properly again. Had to stop the Direct debit to one of the animal charities reluctantly . Hope I’ll restart it again in Mum’s honour one day
Miserable wet day in London today.
Sending best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina
Sending you best wishes from a dull and wet London this Tuesday morning x
Spot the unimpressed kitty !
