Sunny as anything here Neil!
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Oh Christine you actually made me smile with the kissing escapade as a 9 year old! I was shy and still had a doll in a pram. Mind you, can you imagine seeing a 9 year old with a dollās pram in this era. Most are ready for the real kind these days!
Iām glad you had a better day. If I could be sure Iād be ok with the dog Iād take it it out for a walk but Iām not. Iād just freeze and panic if it looked like it may slip itās lead or worse still another dog may slip off itās lead and get to it. itās my brotherās and will do nothing I ask it if I got into difficulty.
No, I havenāt done anything with anything in the spare room. Iām still trying to tidy it. Mum used to love the arcades at Blackpool and when we went sheād play the soft toy cranes and the whole room almost is packed with them all, all brand new wrapped and she boxed them all up. itās sad really as I donāt think she realised what she had. I havenāt done anything at all with plants or flowers, canāt seem to find any momentum. Iāll have to concentrate on the spare room now. If my brother starts it first he will probably throw things that he shouldnāt in error.
Iāve not seen any news yet so donāt really know whatās gone on today with Russia. As if thereās not been enough misery with COVID worldwide.
Hope you have continued to feel a bit less upset throughout the day.
Much love
xxx
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Hiya Tina,
Yes, he wasnāt expecting a kiss and I canāt remember if he even became a boyfriend. Iām sure that was the party where I threw a tantrum because I didnāt win the pass the parcel and was sent upstairs in a rage!
If you pop the news on BBC1 has constant updates on Freeview channel 231. Itās so upsetting. There are lots of people all over the country collecting for the people fleeing and you could donate all your mams cuddly toys if you wanted them to go to a good cause. What would your mam have thought about the situation? Mine would be so upset as I am. When you see everyone crushed into the train stations having to say goodbye to their families so they can fight (they have to) it makes you realise the fear of Covid is now on the back burner. There are children having cancer treatment in basements and others having to travel because they canāt get treatment. My therapist has told me not to watch it to avoid getting so upset. He has again said that to move closer to mam I should do something I would be doing usually (my textiles and blog).
As to taking Zoe out, does she react to treats if you carried them in your pocket? I know my sisters dogs are rewarded for good behaviour. I like the idea of having a dog and being active taking it for walks but the reality is Iām very lazy! I know it wouldnāt be enough to get me out and I donāt know if I could force myself to go to the park when I canāt even visit dad in the car.
Feeling better than I did. Watching Judge Judy as I normally would in an attempt to do normal things.
Much love xxx
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Hi Tina,
Have you tried a halti head harness for Zoe? They are good for controlling excitable pups without being cruel and it can be attached to the collar or a double ended harness where you can attach a lead both on the front and back so you have double security and peace of mind? Just a thought incase you did want to take her out and as Christine said treats for rewards 
I found a pile of cushions, pillows and quilts in mums room and was wondering what to do with them but I think Iāll drop them off to our local Polish shop who are taking them to Poland next week for the refugees. Iām sure if you feel up to it I too was going to suggest donating them to all these displaced kiddies or even vulnerable teens/adults who need a bit of comforting .
I got 2 out of the 3 IKEA things built but canna be bothered now so will finish it tomorrow x
I was listening to Jeremy Vine today on radio 2 and there was actually a person calling in asking what we could all do for the forgotten pets and also for countries to allow refugees to bring their pets with them as they are part of the familyā¦ I couldnāt have agreed more. I just couldnāt leave my lot as they are my family. I wondered it I had been Christine phoning in but wasnāt x
I have been listening for to things about the war on and off all day but find myself getting quite obsessed with their President Zelenskyā¦what a hero and not gonna lie heās hot too lol. Seeing how hands on him and his wife are etc gives me hope that Putin will get his comeuppance 
Hope your day is doing ok and think of you all daily x
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Hi Christine,
I too have thought about getting a dog and have even asked a breeder to let me know when they have a litter but everything including the dog is so expensive and vets charge like Ā£35 for a 10min consultation! Will keep you updated as to whether I get one but if I do it wouldnāt br until May at very earliest.
I find what your therapist said about what to do to make you feel closer to your mumā¦whatās your thoughts on that? Do you think that would work for you? I may try something like that as not sure how it work tbh,
I do agree though if you find yourself getting too upset by the news coverage I would suggest perhaps diverting your attention to something a little lighter for a couple of days. If anything major happens I promise Iāll tell you.
Well enjoy Judge Judyā¦Iām watching 4 in a Bed as easy to watch and donāt need to think too much lol
Take care of yourself and hopefully will hear from you soon xx
Hi Neil,
So pleased to hear that you got some good news this morning and hopefully your upbeat mood has continued for you.
Donāt want to brag but we actually had sun all day and reached a tropical 10C today 
then it says weāll have snow by end of weekā¦weāll I turned off my heating today so better not lol x
Take care of yourself and chat when you feel up to it x
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It wasnāt me phoning in about the animals but you did make me laugh. Iām now trying hard not to think about all the cats and dogs left behind, terrified by the bombing. There was a little dog shaking with fear at the train station. Itās just too upsetting to watch so Iāve stopped. I think itās fab to donate. I want to but canāt take the stuff on my own (agoraphobia), Could have a big clear out of jumpers. One of the sites for things in a city had been under attack. Itās just heartbreaking. The kindness of people taking those fleeing into their homes also makes me cry. Iāve never been such a cry baby. Itās like my grief for mam is being transfered to all those in despair and fear.
Well done with the Ikea stuff. I am impressed. Love a bit if diy. I miss going to Ikea, wondering round imagining living in the little set ups they design.
xxx
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Hello again,
Have you tried the RSPCA or PDSA or other homeless animal places. Iām signed up with the Cat Protection to look after Porscha if I died in my sleep (I keep hoping it will happen but I canāt eave Porscha). A lot of the elderly have pets with nobody to take care of them. There must be one for dogs who just want to be loved.
My therapist said that to get closer to mam I have to start doing stuff to take me away from the grief. I feel guilty that if I can just crack on with work and not think of mam or not be upset then I mustnāt love her enough. I know itās silly. Iām hanging onto the grief in order to feel close to her. But I canāt even bear to look at her pictures on the tribute site. Itās so upsetting. I had a moment today that I hadnāt spoken to mam in ages and then realised why. It still isnāt real. I still just want to be with her. Iāve been getting pains in my scar tissue where the breasts were removed and wonder if its stress. Thereās no growth so no cancer. But if I do get cancer again I wonāt have any treatment so I can die naturally and be with her quicker. I just donāt want to be here alone. I donāt see the point.
Love xxx
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Hi Christine
Just read your post , sorry to butt in there. Iām the same - if I had to have cancer treatment or to be resuscitated I would refuse as Iām alone now . Thatās just the way I feel. Even though Iāve had a few good days in a row , still get those moments of deep sadness and despair when all I want is Mum. I suspect that applies to us all.
Sending my best wishes to you, Suzanne and Tina
Neil xxx
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Hi Neil,
Lovely to hear from you. Itās like my life that was has no meaning now so I donāt see the point in achieving anything because that achievement is hollow. I just miss her so very much and still have that feeling that I havenāt spoken to her in ages and wonder why. Then it hits me again. Itās like Iām going through the motions with no connection to anyone or anything that mattered before.
I hope your Tuesday was ok because I know thatās your tough day. Could you maybe use that day to do something nice to be with your mam, like going to a nice park for a walk and to people watch with a coffee. All the Spring flowers will be coming out around now. Being present in a space with your mam in your thoughts, imagining her with you and the conversation you would have. I canāt seem to force myself to do any of these things that I suggest. Iāve lost any willpower I had.
I think the pains in my scar tissue was stress watching the war unfold. Iāve had to stop watching and just watch the highlights of the main news. I just canāt cope with the horror. Iām getting upset thinking about it now.
Iāve been so exhausted that Iāve been sleeping without tablets and woke up early today so Iāve done lots of things already. Might try starting my blog about the panels I created. Otherwise Iāll just drift through the day not doing anything as usual.
Hope your day is filled with unexpected things to make you smile xxx
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Hi Christine,
Iāve tried the SSPCA and local shelters etc but all the dogs they have are either too big or canāt live with cats and as much of a pain as Cal can be I could never get rid of him as he was my mums and itās his house too so thatās why I was thinking of a puppy but will see.
I met my mumās best friend for lunch today and it was lovely to see her and refreshing to catch up with someone who actually asked me caring questions about how I was coping etc plus she wanted to talk about mum rather than ignore her passing.
I would like to see your blog when you are up to it.
Have you had a chance to look at the David Austin catalogue yet?
Look forward to hearing from you and love to Tina and Neil 
X
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Hi Suzanne
As you know Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my worst but this week have been a lot better. Did phone Samaritans for a chat this afternoon as I do like to keep talking if I can.
Another wet day in London today.
West Ham on TV tonight so will be watching that.
Hamilton tomorrow. We have a tube strike at the moment but I will just go to Victoria mainline station as the theatre is nearby ( I havent been to that venue but I know itās close!).
Hope you have a peaceful and as pleasant evening as you can and to Christine and Tina too
Best wishes
Neil xxx
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Hi Neil,
I hope your team win tonight then as thereās nothing worseā¦or so Iām told lol. You said there were a couple of important matches coming up so will keep my fingers crossed for you
I do envy you going to Hamilton tomorrow so please let me know how it goes. What theatre is it on? Iāve been hearing about the tube strikes so thankfully youāre not too far then. I used to know the area around Victoria bus station well as used to stay in a hotel round there a lot and when Iām down in June Iām going to Wicked which I think is just down the back of the station.
Anyway have a good couple of days and look forward to hearing about Hamilton x
Suzanne x
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Hamilton is on at the Victoria Palace Theatre just down the road from Wicked which is the Apollo Victoria. Saw Wicked about 5 years ago and I remember seeing Starlight Express in the same theatre when I went with the school. Iāll let you know what the show is like and try and post one or two pics.
Football for me now - Southampton v West Ham
Speak soon
Neil x
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Hi Christine
Hope youāve been ok.
Just got the news on, itās shocking and you start to think thereās nothing left now, mankind is leaving the earth in a right rotten state.
Iāve been trying to sort boxes out again but I donāt know if I should be putting so much mental energy into it. In an odd way it feels like Iām getting it ready for Mum coming back. Just feel āblankā. Plus the more I do itās like the more itās not Mumās āplaceā.
My brother can take Zoe out no problem but I just donāt have the confidence, Iām anxious just taking myself outdoors without adding a dog! Iām like you Christine, Iām lazy. If I had a dog that was truly my own it would sit there with itās lead and Iād always feel guilty. Plus thereād always be never the right time to go out as I donāt like going out in the day and itās too dangerous in the dark.
Going to have to take some more painkillers, canāt inhale without being in pain under my ribs. I should rest but you keep doing things donāt you before the motivation wears off.
Hope you get a good nightās sleep
xx
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Hello Neil
Itās nice to hear youāve had some better days. I can imagine the football helps but how dare they mess with the Soaps. You football fans have a lot to answer for!
Kindness to you.
Tina x
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Hi Suzanne
Thanks for the tip about the head harness, Iāve just looked them up online. A good idea. Sheās now just gone 6months and finding her confidence so Iām a bit nervous in open spaces. Sheās a Shepsky and when I say āpuppyā itās more of a mini Shetland Pony.
Hopefully your IKEA is all in one piece now. I never was one for the Krypton Factor so Iād have given up long since - even with instructions in the box!
Hope you are getting along OK.
Love Tina
xx
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Hi Tina
Having watched the game and the bad result I would have rather watched the soapās ha ha . Never mind
Hope you have a good Thursday x
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Hi Tina,
Ribs take a while to heal and sometimes think they hurt less if they are broken rather than bruisedā¦have you had an X-ray to know they arenāt broken?
Shepskyā¦.now thatās some combination and can only imagine how think her coat will be lol x
Furniture all built and for one of them they had put in the wrong instructions so just had to make it up as I went onā¦Krypton Factor as you said
Have just had my second counselling session this morning and she is so lovely and makes so much sense so I just need to do what she suggests as she brings in hope without it being unrealistic and doesnāt tell you not to grieve as Iāve read so many other people here saying theyāve been told almost.
What are you up to today if you feel up to it? And I agree with your message to Neilā¦how dare the football interfere with the soaps lol x
I was tidying mums room up yesterday and found a pile of books that I know I wonāt read so will at some point put them to charity but no rush. Trying to make the house respectful to her life and love and so far I think Iām not doing too bad.
Take care of yourself and chat soon x
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