Hi Tina,
Your rose is truly beautiful! My mam always said something like ‘good things come in small packages’. I’m crying again. I can’t remember what she said properly and I can’t ask anyone because no one is talking to me. Talking helps to keep the person alive and I can’t rely on myself to get it right. I’m so very consumed with sadness again. And anxious that I can’t remember her properly, the little expressions she had. I miss her so much I can’t control myself. I can’t stop crying and I have a food delivery. The pain of her not being here is unbearable. I don’t know how I’ve got this far. 34 weeks and still it’s like she’s just died. Can’t imagine ever feeling ok again.
Sorry Tina, I should be comforting you but I just can’t move through this. So I totally get your being overwhelmed again. It really is a strange existence. I realise now I should be grateful for any time I have when I’m not in a distressed state. It was very strange swimming, being out in the world. I kept thinking everyone around me was going to die and wondering if they were aware of it. Before mam left me I had anxiety but not this weight of sadness I now carry. It’s so heavy I can barely manage to get through the day.
I’m sure with your brother you’ll settle back into the old routine you had before he went. But I hate the way he treats you. It’s so cruel. For me I don’t understand why I’m being ignored. I haven’t done anything other than love mam too much that I can’t bear her not being here. I think it’s not being able to make it better that I find hardest. I’m generally a pro active person,. finding a solution to a problem. This is being my comprehension. I just can’t see any way forward. The only comfort I can find is in being with her, whenever that is. So the hardest thing is enduring the time I have to wait, filling it in with whatever I can do to get through the day.
I still haven’t made any sparkly things for the garden but I’ll be using my wooden bits up and hope the offcuts will serve as bits to decorate. I think of you when I’m watering the garden and the sunlight creates rainbows amongst the flowers.
So pleased you found your shoes and got there before you know who!
Really must get ready now. My delivery will be here soon. I discovered if I can’t get things in Amazon’s Morrisons then Fresh will generally have what I want. Porscha goes through so much chicken. She’s such a gannet.
Will catch up later. Hope I make a start with painting the fences this afternoon. Sure when I start I’ll get into it.
Lots of love xxx
Know what you mean about choosing. You have to ring them if you decide a payment card. You can use that in paypoint shops I think as well as other ways.
Good luck with it anyway.
You gave more options Tina, I only put what I do,
Hi Christine
Probably won’t get back on site for a while after Brother comes home as there’ll be jobs to do etc so I thought I’d drop you a line now. He’ll be back at 3pm. Well, at least Zoe has still got 4 legs so he’ll not be complaining I haven’t looked after it.
I’m sorry about your Niece and Sister. I’m certain, as you are, that there’s no malice involved but some people these days are simply too self-absorbed/focussed to think beyond their own head space. I am the same I guess.
My Sister was on holiday last week, this week she knows I can’t even leave the house really to go shops whilst no-one with Zoe but she had a parcel to get from me that I’d said she could send here. I said to her to put some rubbishy clothes on when she came, thinking she could stay a little and Zoe would have a visitor as well. She just came dressed up and got her parcel and then went. I felt really bereft again after that. It could have been anyone knocking on the door. The connection isn’t the same, like there’s nothing to be connected for, in a way. I’d hate to think your Niece is taking advantage of your good nature, I’m sure she isn’t.
I can tell you are really distressed again. Feelings ebb and flow don’t they and sometimes you really are knocked sideways by a little memory, something you see etc. I often wonder what would happen if I were to have every distraction taken away from me because then I’d have to sit with the painful and sad thoughts and I think I’d just go insane.
Well it was pouring down here this morning so nothing much going on. Hope you manage to do something. I know too well that sometimes you wonder why you are doing it but you’ll be able to look at it and see that despite being utterly heartbroken that you found the fortitude to do all that. Wish I could say the same to be honest. I’m the world’s greatest procrastinator and can’t see that improving! I do do things but not planned, as that’s when the lack of motivation sets in.
Enjoy your brew and biscuit before you start the jobs!
Much love xx
Don’t you just dislike jobs like that Christine. Going to have to sort out a water meter as well shortly!
Hi Tina,
Please don’t stop posting just because your brother is back. Do it for you. He should be bringing you a little thank you gift for looking after the mischief maker. I was very touched that you referred to Zoe as ‘her’ or ‘she’ in one of your posts. Made me smile.
Well, I’ve mended the fence panel by the back gate. Can’t replace it as the climber is attached and too intricate to move. So it’s a bit of an eyesore but does the job. Won’t see it when it’s painted. Had a food delivery in the middle of it and still have a massive bit to do but just have to drill whatever boards I have to hand. That hoard with the rats has caused me such a huge amount of work. But needs must.
Its threatening rain so I can’t start the painting. No rain after today so can paint at the side of the house in the shade even if the creep is at home (if I have the nerve to go out there).
Really have no energy but felt better for munching on 3 of the tiniest Snickers you’ve ever seen. Felt robbed with that purchase!
I do feel better for getting on with a job. Like you say, the alternative is to sit and cry. Starting to well up again now.
I know its easy to say when its not happening to me but don’t let your brother push your buttons. Be prepared for his sarky comments and just reflect on how unhappy he must be to have to throw out that nastiness. I keep thinking of him not flushing the loo when you felt ill. You should have saved up a weeks worth of Zoe poop to welcome him back!
Will be thinking of you. Wish I was there. I always wanted an older brother so I could torment him and go out drinking with his mates (not sure if girls do that down here). But after hearing about your horror of a sibling (and your sister using you as her parcel drop off - that is hurtful to anyone) I’m glad I just had 2 younger sisters to boss about. I really don’t understand how a family can be torn apart after mam leaves. Surely there’s a lifetime of connection if nothing else to hold dear. Can’t choose them though. Wish my sis from up north lived closer. It was lovely to see the nice side of her when she was down. But she can be spiteful for no reason. Can’t fathom it. I’m not an angel but don’t treat people with spite or just be mean. Don’t understand why anyone would.
What would the response be if you were as nice as could be to your brother? The nastier the comments the nicer you are? Like cancelling out one with the other. Try it as an experiment and see what the reaction is. You might be surprised. Bet Zoe is thrilled to see him! If you went off for a week she’d really pine for her bestie to come back. Porscha keeps doing her strangled scream in the garden when she can’t see me, even if she doesn’t want chicken. Anxiety separation.
Going to get back out there. So exhausted. I’m aching all over and its not through hard work.
Lots of love xxx
Hi everyone,
Tina, please don’t allow you brother to grind you down as Christine said stand up to him, I know it’s easier said than done. I do hope you feel a bit more relaxed now he is home and taking Zoe for walk. She does look very adorable from the photo you posted. Did you get your shopping done last night or left it until today, either way it doesn’t matter. If your brother is hungry he knows where the shops are, I’m sure your mum didn’t pamper him. I think he plays on you insecurities. Just look after yourself.
It sounds like you are busy in the garden Christine, I love your reusing anything to make new and even more pretty and practical. And I look forward to you starting your blog, having a forward purpose is always good and helps to keep your mind focused.
I hope your niece comes swimming with you again, I hope she isn’t taking advantage of your kind loving nature. Perhaps she just feels stuck between you and what her mum is saying at home. I know your mum is proud of the way you are dealing with your difficult family.
Porsche sounds very spoilt and has you running around her paws.
Neil did you get your TV licence sorted, I’ve lost track have you got a show booked for this weekend.
School holidays are here Nic, and you said you are off work in a week’s time, are you and the girls going away or just chilling at home . I hope your youngest is feeling better today.
You should feel proud that you got through returning to work.
Beki I know your having a bit of a down time at the moment, but I hope you enjoy that music event you are going to with your friend this weekend.
Hope you are all okay Suzanne, Lucy, Michelle and Kate and the weekend is not too difficult for you all.
I probably won’t post very often this week. I going on holiday tomorrow with my daughter and family.
We are going to Padstow, to stay in a cottage near the harbour overlooking the sea.
I am looking forward to it as we will be visiting the place where we scattered Doug’s ashes at Looe last year. It’s also where I’m going to be when it’s my time.
I think they have plenty of activities planned, just hope my knees hold out. As long as we have internet the teenagers will be happy.
I know Doug will be happy for me to go with them, I miss him desperately but I know he is always in my heart and goes with me where ever I am.
Sending love to you all
Debbie X
Hi Neil,
I grudgingly pay my each month by direct debit and is £13.37 a month xx
Have a great holiday and look forward to to hearing all about it when you can 
x
Hi Suzanne
Got mine sorted out and paying by direct debit . That was a pain setting that up . I phoned to get some info on paying by payment card and I dont think they knew what they were talking about , kept passing me on to another department. In the end I just did it online .
Hope you have had a good day
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi All
Bit of a shitty day, got a letter from Coop funeral care who did mum’s direct cremation to say they are doing a community memorial service at the village church on Tuesday. That thought is nice enough but they included a thing that looked like a Christmas tag to put Mum’s name on and a form to return like an RSVP, Mum’s name there in capitals and how her name would be added to the ‘roll of honour’
Absolutely floored me. Felt guilty - should I do it, as you know I didn’t have a service neither Mum nor I were funeral ‘fans’, had too many in the family. Haven’t had a service, she is home with me and when I do we will both be put with her Dad’s grave. I am comfortable with that but this makes me second guess myself.
Needless to say lots of tears. Went next door to my neighbour who saw Mum as her second Mum (and she currently has her terminally ill dad living with her). The letter upset her too so I don’t think it was just me. She said she would take the letter and for me not to think about it anymore, both had a cry.
Really put me off my stride today after a tough emotional week as it is. Oh and of course today is Friday which is my ‘day’.
Currently sat feeling cold 
@christine51 I know what you mean about remembering Mum’s traits etc. i think sometimes we try to over remember. I do have her voice recorded but not her laugh and I can’t hear it in my heard. I know we laughed a lot and her laughed changed as she got older and now I can’t remember it. What I have found is if I close my eyes and rub the top of my arm, it feels like her so sometimes I just hug myself.
@Tina19 please don’t let your brother bully you though I can understand it often feels better to have a pain in the butt than noone with you. Just know we are here x
@Debbie57 hope you have a lovely trip, can’t wait to hear about it and see some photos
@MichelleY hope today is being gentle with you x
Beki x
Oh Beki I’m so sorry the co-op sent that letter I’m dreading things like that. I got one today from the hospital for an appt for mum so that set me off.
I spoke to a local grief service our borough run and like all of you they were lovely and so kind. We also found a venue for after the cremation which i think mum would have loved.
Husband took me to see his parents today as i can’t bear to be at home at the moment and just got hime to a beautiful spray of flowers from my work. I just feel so hopeless. Thank you all xx
Hi Michelle
Practically, the tell us once service is really good for stopping the post and alerting different services that need to be alerted.
Don;t worry about feeling hopeless, we have all been there and sometimes revisit. Whatever you feel is valid and you ride it out. And whatever it is you feel, you can articulate it here.
Wishing everyone a gentle night x
Beki x
Hi Debbie,
Lucky girl going on hols! My parents rented cottages and I was always invited but couldn’t go because of my agoraphobia. Dad never understood but mam did. But I did enjoy boating holidays with them because we were ‘contained’ and I felt safe. It sounds lovely where you’re going. I remember one time we moored up in a massive harbour and dad managed to blow their electrics! There was always something major happened when we went away.
You will feel Doug there with you because he is always with you. He’ll be proud that you have gone and not stayed at home. You’ll be so busy you’ll have no time to post but we’ll be waiting for you when you get back and I’m looking forward to all the lovely pics and stories of what you did. Its just what you need, to get away and enjoy some ‘me’ time with the family after working so hard. I miss that freedom of finishing work for the holidays and the thrill of going away.
You’ll feel extra close to Doug being there. I’m sure he’ll be enjoying watching all the antics, especially if there are teenagers involved. Hope they leave all the gadgets behind and enjoy everything around them.
Just checked out the harbour. It is beautiful! Reminds me of all the little quaint places we visited but makes me sad that I’ll never do it again. All the boating holidays we had. Mam couldn’t swim but still went and enjoyed herself. She was so brave.
Enjoy it and take lots of pics. And I’m sure the knees will enjoy it too!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Becky,
I think that tag is what I saw outside the coop when I visited mam at the chapel of rest. It was a xmas tree with names and messages and pictures of everyones loved ones. It inspired my memory tags of mam for my shrine but it absolutely destroyed me seeing it and reading all the messages. In one way its good to have your mam included because she will be remembered within the community. Better to be than not. But it is so devastating to have to recognise that. Will you attend? Its good that you have your close neighbour to take care of it and that she loved your mam. You don’t need to second guess whatever you have done. Having your mam there with you is right for you. I didn’t have to do any of the organising and was excluded from nearly everything. So I didn’t need to make decisions. You are so brave to have made the decisions you did. They are right for you and your mam. Don’t worry about doing anything differently. Think of this as a gesture to include your mam. She is loved and will be remembered by others who know her. It’s like another club.
Still haven’t heard if dad has been up north or if he’s going to lay mam with her parents in their grave. I still want a little bit of her for my shrine so I can feel close to her and she can dance with the buddhas in the garden. Dad hasn’t phoned again, or my sister. Don’t even know if they will tell me that it’s happening. Also haven’t heard from my niece. It’s like I don’t exist in this family, that I’m not part of them now that mam isn’t here. I wonder if she knew she was the pin that held us all together?
I remember and cherish mam’s quiet times when we sat together in the garden. I wish I could be more quiet. It’s only when I’ve exhausted my chat, telling her everything that I can be ‘still’ and enjoy just sitting with her. I miss that. I was so stressed with the creep and the awful neighbours during covid that I lost site of that closeness we had. And because there was no solution and then mam died I never returned to that quiet time we enjoyed, that closeness. Now when I’m quiet and thinking of her I just cry. I can’t tell her how much I miss her. I imagine being in the old garden on the swing chair in the summer, having a rest from pottering and doing jobs. I wish I could go back to that garden and sit with her. I wish they had never moved.
Lots of love xxx
Hello Christine - How are you today? Reading your recollection of your time in your Garden with your Mum sounds idyllic. I get you though when you say you found it hard just to “be”. I’d be the same, my Husband would enjoy the sun but I was always fiddling with weeds or pots. Mum was a doer and missed being able to do stuff in the garden. Wished I had left many things but we always think we have “time”. It’s not a fault, just human nature I think. Funny when you say you wish you could be quiet. I’m not a chatterer aloud but inside my head there’s a constant monologue going on. Stillness of mind in today’s life I think is a much sought after commodity but can’t be bought. (Mum used to blame technology and said it had messed with people’s brains!).
Going to have a drink in a minute. Had my head in a wheelie bin earlier trying to find something. At least I didn’t do a Viv Windsor and go head first with the legs sticking out!
Hi Christine!
I’m not taking part in it - it doesn’t feel right. Their intentions may be good but it was handled so clumsily. Jf they’d just sent a letter saying they are planning an event and would I like to attend fine. But sending the tag, a form, an rsvp envelope felt incredibly pushy and insensitive. The letter upset my neighbour who considered my mum her second mum. Another friend in the village whose Dad died recently felt the same. However they dress it up, it comes across as more of a marketing ploy.
I don’t need to attend a function, that isn’t tailored for mum, just to make myself more upset. I don’t need a public performance to prove I am grieving.
I don’t go to church but do have my beliefs and know the vicar. He is very kind and I can message him on Facebook although not an attendee. Mum struggled with her faith and felt the same as me. But I know her favourite him and may ask Rev Andrew to include it in one service in her memory. I may not even be there but knowing it is being sung for her is enough for me.
I am happy having her here with me and am sure she’d let me know if she wasn’t happy!
Tonight I am going a musicals recital at our community hub. Not really my thing but gets me out of the house otherwise I’d just sit and fester. I shall try and channel my inner @NEILB72 and enjoy it!!
Check in later!
Beki x
Hi everyone
Another great theatre trip this afternoon . First Shakespeare play and no better place to see it than at the National. First time in the Lyttelton Theatre and great value seat for £20 in Row B of the Stalls. Great cast and it was a lovely setting in 1940s Italy . Lots of laughs which is exactly what I needed. Also got to chat briefly with Katherine Parkinson afterwards and she was very friendly.
Sending you all love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Beki
I do like what you said there - I will channel my inner Neil . Very nice of you to say x
Hi Tina,
I think we are quite alike with a busy head and busy hands. Even today in the heat I’ve been super busy with painting more trellis and cutting trellis to size and then having to screw it all back together again. Just finished and so lovely to feel clean again. I’ve been covered in paint for 2 days. My paint brush is like the mop in The Lady in the Van where she’s painting it yellow. Will post pics in a bit. Got my decking boards finished too for the raised bed so had a very productive weekend. Creep has been going out but he had a relative today (car in drive) when he went out and then when he came back (I didn’t realise until it was too late) I heard him shouting ‘You see what I mean… I wasn’t making it up’ so don’t know what that was about. Maybe has cameras capturing me checking on him getting back looking out the window. They all went out so I finished my job. Really hot today again but going to rain tomorrow.
Mam was my gauge of when to stop. She would tell me when I’d done enough. I just keep going without her. If I stop I have to try to not get upset. She’s all I think about when I don’t put my mind to a task. You’re right saying that it’s human nature to think we have time. It’s only when it is too late that you realise all the things that took up that time just don’t mean anything now.
I can switch off the anxiety of being on full alert now that I’m not outside and waiting for the creep to return. Can’t wait to get my fences up but realised I hadn’t bought posts or spikes for the three fence panels. Hope Amazon will do it.
How is it with the brothers return? Hope he’s not been giving you unnecessary grief. Still haven’t heard from my niece. It’s been 2 weeks now and the weathers cooled so don’t know whether ask her to go tomorrow. It’s got very awkward. Maybe send her a text and see what I get back. It really shouldn’t be like this.
Enjoy the rest of the sun.
Was Zoe happy your bro was back?
Lots of love xxx