Hi Beki,
I haven’t had to deal with anything about mam so can only imagine what it must feel like. I think contacting the vicar is a good idea, to have a hymn or something your mam would approve of. Wonder if they get any feedback about how upset this is making people? Sorry if my comments were upsetting. I assumed it to be a tribute to everyone and to celebrate their life. I know when I attended mams funeral (church service and then the crem) it did feel like a ‘public performance’. I could barely stand up and wondered why everyone else wasn’t more upset. Mam had told me it didn’t matter if I couldn’t go, that she understood. But I went because I couldn’t not go. It would have always haunted me and would be a constant battle of why. I’m always beating myself up with the anxiety if I can’t go through with something. I think whatever you decide your mam would approve of it because it is done with love for her.
Enjoy your recital! It’s great that you are even considering going. Live in the moment like Neil does at his things. Find joy and imagine your mam there with you. I wish I could do that. I’m anxious just being in the garden being watched by the neighbours.
Will post pics in a bit. Just saying to Tina I’ve had another very productive day painting and cutting trellis, screwing them back together. Hard work. My hands are really sore now but so pleased to get it done.
Will try go swimming tomorrow. Haven’t been since Tues.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
So pleased you had a lovely day for it and that it was another good outing. I loved Shakespeare at school and really should start reading again. You deserve your weekend treats. They keep you going. Do you have anything else planned? Lovely pics as always! I miss getting out and being free to roam around London. Loved seeing art exhibitions, going shopping, eating out etc. Do you get a bite out after your theatres? And have you been to that lovely church again? Hope Beki enjoys her musical tonight. She’ll be thinking of you!
I’m just having a rest after all my painting, cutting and screwing the trellises back together. So hot in the sun but glad I took the opportunity while the creep was out, though he did have someone over while he was out. I did wonder if I should chance it. Wonder if his family know what he has done. Like the Council said he’ll have his version of the truth. Why would anyone make this stuff up? It’s so bizarre.
Just texted my niece about swimming tomorrow. Haven’t heard from her for a while so quite difficult asking her. Will just have to see if she replies.
Enjoy the rest of the sun today as going to be raining tomorrow, thank goodness. Great for the garden.
Just relaxing for a bit until I start cleaning the fishtank. Takes about 2 hours and a horrible task, lugging buckets of water to the the bath and filling back up with the hose. Then I have all the floors to clean and the bathroom. So a major task but if I do it today it will be done and takes me into the evening. Filling in time again as can’t stop thinking of mam. I was saying to Tina I find it hard to know when I’ve done enough. Mam always brought me a cuppa and gently told me it was time to stop now. I miss her so very much.
Lots of love xxx
Well it may not have been a performance you’d want to sit through twice but it was quite good and a change!
Beki x
Thanks Christine
The recital was fun and nice to meet some new people who are friends of a friend. Saw someone Mum and I knew who I haven’t seen she mum passed which was emotional.
Having a rough day. Just want to be with her - you know how that feels! Seem to have lost mojo for tidying up and the like.
Was awake all night, just couldn’t get to sleep. Finally at 8am got a few hours. Hope tonight will be better as full week of work ahead. Woke up feeling anxious. I hate the physical feelings that come with all this just as much
Beki x
So here’s an update on my hard work over the last few days:
Discovered rat burrow from the hoard
and had to repair a lot of the decking boards
Look at the intricate layering of soil, roots and spider webs making up the raised bed
Packing areas in the burrow with offcuts of wood and stones to stop rats using this as a pathway into my garden again
Securing panels together with hammered flattened fixtures I had bought to do the fence posts and panels. Bit of an eyesore but it will be covered and then painted.
Used up lots of boards I would have taken to the skip. Had to layer and cut (saw by hand) to fit the space.
Also reinforced the bottom of the fence which was barely there after 15 years. Panels from the shed cover decking boards used to secure the fence. I’ll do the same with the raised bed decking boards and paint the lot.
Here’s my brush after all that painting over the last 2 days. Reminds me of the mop used in Lady in the Van. Did the job!
Discovered wild blackberries over the pergola. This will be what the little thrush was chomping on
And my nusturtians are thriving, eventually!
Love recycling and hope the old drawers will last another season. Old cabinets in the garden make wonderful displays. I wish I had taken pics of the old bureau and sideboard which were in the shed and then homed at the patio for hand tools and bits and bobs. Taking pics records not only the jobs I do but time as it evolves with the seasons. Nice to look at when it’s winter and not a lot going on. I watched Carol Kleins garden last night (missed Monty, or it wasn’t on) and I do envy the mature wild areas they have. Always makes me wonder why I strive because I really don’t have much colour and a lot of the plug plants have either not taken or been shredded by the massive slugs I keep finding.
Putting off doing that fishtank!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Beki,
Glad you went and met some nice people. Cherish the people who loved your mam. To be missed is a wonderful thing. And consider it a win to be able to go out on a rough day!
Just posted pics of my work over the past few days. It’s very surreal. I know I’ve done the work because my hands are really aching but I feel no connection to it at all. Just on the verge of tears the whole time since coming in.
You will be so exhausted tonight with not sleeping last night. There’s nothing worse. I used sleeping tablets until I felt able to nod off myself. Setting a routine helps, even if it is watching rubbish on Netflix or Youtube.
My first and last thought of the day is mam not being here. It is only because of Porscha screaming for chicken (often at 6 am) that I am forced to get out of bed. Otherwise I would just lie there with no will to do anything. It’s strange looking back at the freedom we had before our mams passed. We carry a heavy weight now that is just relentless. I’m still tearful with no thoughts at all in my head. It’s how I am when I’m in the house and I can’t seem to escape it. Just sitting wondering why my lovely mam isn’t here in the world. Even if she was at home and I could never actually see her again but know she was alive would be better than this. I can’t stop that need to have her back. It’s a proper rabbit hole
Anyway. enjoy the pics and hope you sleep tonight. Mam always said if I was resting it was better than being up and about. That it was something. She always knew what to say to soothe me. I just feel so lost without her. The pain is relentless.
xxx
Hi Christine
Hope you will be able to go swimming - fingers crossed . I should imagine the fish tank would take a lot of time and a lot of work but I suppose if it keeps you busy then it will help take your mind off things.
I suddenly realised today Mum’s birthday coming up next month and that will be the hardest one yet of all the anniversaries we are faced with.
Good to get out yesterday and have another play booked at the National Theatre the middle of next month so looking forward to it .
Probably will be a difficult start to the week as usual for me but just have to get through it!
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hope you’re enjoying your holiday Debbie. Lovely to see you here x
Hi Beki
Glad to hear you went and I find it so good for the mind when you see live performance. Whatever I see it’s good to get out and looks like the same for you .
Hope you have a good evening
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
I’m missing my mam so much. I can’t bear the pain. I really can’t. Just can’t stop crying. Thinking of all the times I couldn’t go with mam, holidays, parties, family do’s. It’s just hit me like a tone of bricks again. Here she is. I can barely look at the pics of her. She loved enjoying life and I hid away because of my anxiety and panic. I wish I could have been a better daughter for her. To put aside all that has happened and just not be anxious for her sake. I want to have made precious memories with her so I would have them now.
I think we are peas in a pod Christine! Yes I will get to bed in decent time tonight and try a valium and hope that gets me over. It’s that thing though - the more you think you about it the more you can’t get to sleep!
I definitely need to get some routine in place, especially being back at work.
I need to make a list of stuff to watch. Currently enjoying My Life Is Murder (Acorn) and Only Murders In the Building (Disney +) Will watch Murder In Provence on ITV tonight at 8pm - you can tell what I like! Light hearted crime capers.
Need to make myself eat something proper too.
Sending a big telepathic hug!
Beki x
she looks a lovely lady.
i think we are all haunted by what ifs and if onlys. My life was shaped by agoraphobia and panic attacks, it altered mine and Mum’s life. then as I got better, in the last 10 years Mum got panic attacks and it was time for me to support her. She was always supportive of me (of course there were times of frustration and cross words from exhaustion) but until she suffered the anxiety herself she said she hadn’t fully comprehended what i’d been through and continue to have niggle in my mind.
You were a great daughter to her - we all come in different flavours. Social media, tele, tradition gives us such a distorted image of what normal is or what success is. Those times with you in the garden or just watching a show together would be as precious to her than all the world cruises and instagram worthy ho-ha!
Big hug. Shout if you want to jump on a facetime or something xx
Beki x
It is. Just feel a bit of a burden or useless as like Christine my anxiety makes travelling to things difficult. Wish I could just teleport!
If you ever attend anything in the East Mids let me know!
Beki x
Oh Christine she looks so lovely. Thank you so much for posting the pic it must have been difficult.
I have several ones of Mum and they are very hard to look at sometimes as she looks so normal in them just like she did the day before she went to hospital. I hope to post one of her on her birthday .
Your Mum passed about the same time as mine and I don’t know about you but it seems just like yesterday. I can remember clearly the routine we had and those moments just really hit you. Other people , apart from us, just do not understand.
Once again it’s a lovely pic Christine
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
She really is so lovely. That’s why I can’t accept she’s gone. She couldn’t be a nicer mam or person than she was. I don’t know why I’m this upset again. It’s like she’s just left. I don’t know why I can’t stop crying. I can’t accept she’s gone. Nothing is happening. There’s no birthday or something to be upset about. I just can’t bear not having her here. I posted on her tribute site and I find it so upsetting because of all the photos of her. Nobody has added anything even after my sister was upset that I’d put so much stuff on there so I bought more space which still hasn’t been used. It reminds me that she’s gone and never coming back. I can’t live a whole lifetime waiting top die so I can join her. I don’t know what has happened for it to hit me again. Where does all the love go that I can’t give to her now. I worry that I didn’t express to her how much I love her. I’m very outspoken but not about showing love or telling her. How would she know what I feel about her? And would she know how devastated I am without her here? I wish I could trade places with her so she could be my age now and have her time again. I didn’t make the most of time I had with her, always busy and in a rush to get things done. If she came back I would never leave her side, like a barnacle. She’d be so sick of me she’d be begging me to go back home. I always hide how deeply I feel about things so maybe she didn’t know how devastated I would be without her. I feel so desperate again. I can’t bear the pain of not being with her. And what happens if none of it’s real? If we just don’t exist when we die? If I never see her ever again. I can’t even contemplate that. It’s bad enough having to wait until I die to see her again. I just can’t comprehend that at all. I must have her waiting for me in a beautiful garden, full of roses and wild flowers. All the cats we’ve ever loved will be with her and all the old aunties. I want to never wake up so I can be with her. Why is this happening again? I thought I’d got through the worst. It’s never ending.
Hello Christine
Thanks for showing us your garden updates Christine. Can’t believe all the different projects you have been busy with. Thankyou also for showing that lovely photo of your Mum. I’m thinking that’s your Dad? It’s so strange when you have a picture in your mind of how people look and I would have imagined your Dad as a different looking person altogether. I can’t look at photos of Mum and I can’t look at photos of my Husband either and that was over 5 years ago now.
I know what you mean about feeling utterly bereft again. I’m just wondering if it’s got anything to do with the change of season being just 6 weeks or so away. I came upstairs today in our bedroom that we shared before she had to move downstairs. The rain was lashing against the windows and I looked around and just stopped. The stark reality of my loss was just massive at that moment and I felt so sad and alone. But I’ve not been good all week at all.
I was glad to hand over responsibility of Zoe. The worry was killing me. Having to stop her from going outside in that heat (other than a wee) was almost impossible. Zoe was pleased he was back but the fact I’m simply begrudgingly “tolerated,” and made to feel like the class dunce raised its head within the first 30mins says it all really. He’s not a young person, his eldest son is 21 so he should know his behaviour isn’t right. It’s not grief either.
Sorry to hear that still things aren’t good for you with your family. Just don’t know what the world’s coming to and what’s happening with people.
I know how hard it is to not dwell on things. It feels like it’s the only thing left that we can actually do so that’s what we focus on. I know how doing that has impacted on my emotional health and wouldn’t want another person feeling like that. It will make you physically ill. I haven’t read all the previous posts
so I’m not sure if you have been given the all clear from your tests. I hope you have. Hopefully it’s just been stress or anxiety related.
Im going to have to finish off now now my eyes aren’t focussing but I’ll catch up tomorrow.
Hope you have a bit of respite.
Much love xxx
Hi Tina,
Feel just the same as yesterday when I woke up. Don’t know why its hit me hard again. It’s not like the garden jobs are finished. I do feel exhausted but I thrive on getting things done. It all seems so empty though, whatever I do. I feel so alone without mam here because my whole family have abandoned me. But I did get a text from my niece in reply for swimming, saying that she’d have to get back to me because she doesn’t know where her costume is. Don’t know whether I can go today. My eyes are swollen and I still can’t stop crying for her. I reflect on all the times I didn’t share because I couldn’t be there. That is dad in the photo. Think it was a family wedding. Mam loved dressing up. She loved celebrating life, whatever it was.
I’m so sorry that your brother is so mean to you. He’s a bully basically. Wonder if putting you down makes him feel better. Imagine how unhappy he must be to put that out there. I’ve always had to stand my ground against my sisters. Don’t know why the rivalry continues into adulthood. I just don’t understand it.
So pleased it rained and is not as hot. Can’t get on with the painting of posts but can’t face getting out of bed. Have dishes and washing waiting for me as usual. Got the fishtank done last night so nothing urgent to have to do. Just feel so sad. Missing mam is like a constant ache I carry with me. Sometimes it gets so heavy I can’t go on. It’s too much.
Have my tests tomorrow. Had the scans before as a health check and everything was fine. Could be physical pain as a result of grief. The GP said the gut is the second brain. But because it has been over 6 months now its just to check again. I have therapy before that.
Really don’t know how some of you are able to function at work. I wouldn’t be able to go in. I just want to go back t sleep and not wake up so I can be with her.
Lots of love xxx
Morning Christine
Just checked in to see how you and noticed you’d just posted. I was wondering if it was today that you were meant to go swimming. I can see though she said she can’t find her costume. I hope you get to go. Do you call anywhere afterwards to extend the trip out or is it just a quick swimming visit. I don’t go out. I’d do anything rather than having to go out in all honesty. I’ve started considering going shopping somewhere I’ve never been before where there is zero chance of seeing anyone or anything that’s familiar. Complete anonymity. Losing my marbles I think.
I know not washing up or tidying goes against the grain in a major way for you. I’ve seen the photos you put up in the early days of your lovely room and how industrious you are normally but it’s no big deal so don’t be stressing over it.
I hope the gardening chores go to plan today. It was raining here which makes things a bit harder as it’s not a concrete garden and can get slippery on the wet grass. My B and Q reduced strawberries taste nice and my other things have grown well now. But no-one comes and my brother can’t stand anything that grows so I often wonder about the point of it all but like you, it’s a little diversion.
It’s my sister’s birthday in 2 days and I bought her a hanging egg style swing chair. I have to add here it’s a little hanging thing that you put bird food in and not human size! Her garden is like one of these show gardens. She’d never let me take Zoe in, I can just imagine her face if I did and she had a “zoomies” episode all over her shrubs!
Well, I’ve done a lot of nattering about nothing. Try to remember that it takes a tiny amount of time for the dark clouds of upset to dump their load on you but it can work the opposite way around as well and you might get a bit of a glimmer of lightness in your day somewhere at least. I don’t mean everything will be fine but you may get a few snatched moments to recover from the tears in between.
Catch you later Christine.
Much love xx
Please can i ask for advice on thr actual funeral service. So as you all know mum was 89 but we never discussed what would happen if she passed away so i’m all over the place.
When we booked the funeral they asked if mum was religious and i guess a bit but not overly, we went to church and sunday school when i was little and she liked songs of praise but didn’t actively attend church so they said a celebrant would be best. Now im second guessing myself, i know i can have hymns but i dont know what happens when the curtains close, i know with a vicar they bless and say a prayer but will the celbrant do that also?
I’m sorry for the questions I’m just at a loss as the celebrant is away until the 1st August.
Hi Michelle.
Sadly I’ve had to arrange two funerals in six years. You can have whatever you want for the service, totally up to you. My parents were not religious but I did what I thought was right and what they would want. Luckily the vicar only lives down the road from me and he popped in to go through the service. They normally would include at least one hymn and the Lord’s prayer but I dont think you have to.
Dad had Riverdance and Mum had Cliff with some other bits and pieces of music. As I say you get to decide what you want . The one thing I did know for Mum was where she wanted her ashes placed although still yet to do it after nearly 8 months.
Hope I’ve made some sense there .
Love and best wishes
Neil x