Thanks Neil
So i wonder if i should have a vicar instead, I’m so confused i hate all this. We have to go to the tegister office today and i dont knoe hoe to get through it and now I’m worrying about this as well. As you said the ashes are the only part i know is mums going into Nanny and Grandads grave after. xx
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Hi Michelle. If you want a vicar specifically just tell them . I’m sure it will be fine whatever you choose to do x
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Hi Michelle
As far as I understand a Celebrant wouldn’t lead any form of prayer as they are non-religious. That doesn’t mean you can’t say a private prayer yourself - it’s my belief you have just the same phone line to god as a vicar does! So don’t think just because someone with a title is or isn’t there that that will make a difference. But if you like the idea of a vicar, ring or email your funeral director and let them know- ask as many questions as you need
It is such a tough time and don’t worry about second guessing yourself - we all do it whatever we do or don’t do for the funeral so you are not unusual try and take some comfort from that
Whatever you choose or don’t choose will be right for you and it will be one moment in a many that you will honour your mum who you loved very much
Sending a hug, today is a tough day for you but we are here for you
Beki xx
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Hi Tina,
I was so pleased to see your post. I feel so physically unwell. Think I’ve worn myself out with all the physical jobs in the garden. Haven’t heard from my niece and couldn’t go swimming even if I wanted to. Still no energy to get in the bath and dressed. But I did just manage to do the dishes and had to cook more chicken for Porsch. Back in bed again to recover before I get up again.
I completely understand about wanting to be anonymous and only go out to therapy and swimming recently (McDonalds afterwards through the drive through). I avoid shopping altogether after my panic attacks became so bad I cried at the checkout in Sainsbury’s and couldn’t go back. I know yours is in avoiding people who knew your mam or carers etc but mine is everything and everyone generally. If it was only a random blue man with yellow spots I could lead a normal life again, knowing that the panic would be contained to just that. But it leaks into every area of my life. So the creep getting in my house through the loft makes me feel unsafe everywhere. I’m always on lookout in the garden and operate in a highly anxious mode. Just knowing he is still living there, whether at home or not, is so invasive that I have no safe haven to relax in. I’m always impressed when you are in the garden with Zoe because I know the courage it takes to get out there.
You mentioned your sweet strawberries from the garden. I had quite a lot and then nothing at all. Haven’t checked on my loganberries (like large raspberries). No raspberries fruit at all. But I was impressed to see fruit on the passion flower. I didn’t know they fruited so will do a Google search on when to pick them. So very overcast here. Pleased I got all that painting finished yesterday. I just have the tall posts to do (recycling the 2 by 2 struts which held the shed off the ground). Have to sand the mud off them first and have a 6ft trellis to cut into two lots. I know I’ve achieved a great deal this year already with the garden but I’d give it all up for just a second of seeing mam again. The garden has got me out of bed and allowed me to be productive. There is nobody else but me to see it. Dads reaction was about the patio being a mess. My niece liked it though. It drives me forward when I have the energy. Keep going out there and doing what you do. A little thought about the wet grass. Add a layer of pea gravel to create pathways through the grass. Will add another dimension to the garden. Amazon had been doing £10 pound bags but they’ve stopped. Shame as it was something I could order in bulk and manage in bits rather than a huge half tonne bag with a £30 delivery fee from Wickes which I don’t want to pay. But I do need to gravel from the patio up through the arches and on to the top pond. Will unite the garden. Might even replace the slither of lawn too.
When you said about the swing chair for your sister I was thinking ‘she doesn’t deserve it!’ and I know how expensive they must be. I smiled when I realised it was a bird feeding hanging for her immaculate garden. Lovely gift! Hope she has a little celebration with you, even if its just cake. You could always get one or make one and invite her round. She can’t not turn up. Ask her to look after Zoe at her house for a joke. I remember a beautifully manicured garden on Monty Don but it was all trees and bushes shaped into creatures and twirls. Looked like an adventure in Alice in Wonderland.
The tears have stopped and I’m feeling more settled. Exhausted I think. Can’t believe the time and I’m not dressed. When it hits me its really hard going but I’m over the worst of it.
Lots of love xxx
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Thought I was over the worst (still not dressed) but even reading a newsletter from one of my magazines is upsetting. Looking at the workshops for cross stitch and smocking reminds me of mam, how she was so patient teaching me to sew when I was little. I wish I could go back to being little with a lifetime of mam ahead of me. Where does all that skill and knowledge and love go? I’m too impatient to be nurturing. It’s a skill only mothers have I think. She was a wonderful mam. She couldn’t have been more than she was. I wish I could thank her for all that she was to me.
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Hi everyone
Not a good day for me today. Thinking of Sat 30th as that will be Mums 8 month anniversary. Also her birthday not far off on 11th August and feeling a bit sad as I build up to the date.
This morning was tidying some stuff and came across some of Mums clothing and had some tears . Did make a call to Cruse but was cut off as the lady I was talking to had finished her shift so called Samaritans which helped .
Got dreaded Tuesday tomorrow and UC appt on Wed . Always glad to get the first part of the week out the way.
Love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
It’s hard to know what to say because I know it won’t help but I understand. I’ve finally stopped crying and just about to get in the bath after being in bed all day (totally unlike me). The sadness is overwhelming.
Will you do something special for your mam on her birthday? I wanted to light chinese lanterns for mam’s 80th and send them off into the sky. We had done it for a New Years Eve and it was lovely. She always took the children outside to look at the moon when they were little, telling them about the man who lived there. I was too upset to do it in the end. But if you can it would be something you can cherish.
Neil I really do think you would make a great counsellor. Can you find out about what courses you would need to do while you’re still looking for work? It must be very demoralising having these appointments all the time. But if you can show you’re doing what you need to they can’t push you into anything.
I’m glad you’re chats help settle you. I’ve been asleep most of the day and feel better for it. Think I’m exhausted with all those tasks in the garden.
I have my scans tomorrow after therapy. Not worried about it. Had them before and nothing was found. If the pains are grief then I can bear them for mam. It’s upsetting because she must have been in such pain and I didn’t know. Was shocked at the weight loss after she got back from holiday. Often imagine her still up North, visiting her old haunts, having fish and chips by the South Shields beach.
Take care and I’m sure I’ll be back here tonight.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Michelle, my husband’s funeral was at the crematorium, and the service was conducted by a vicar, my daughter’s works for the church and it was her minister. We had a full religious service with hymns, a bible reading and prayers including the lord’s prayer. Both the minister and my daughter talked about Doug’s life.
When the curtains close that part is the committal, sending the decease person on. You won’t see the coffin anymore after that.
But the best people to guide you through the whole process is your funeral directors, they can answer all your questions.
Debbie X
Hi Michelle,
I just told the funeral directors what I knew mum would want as she liked Xmas hymns but wasn’t hugely religious and she had no preference as to hymns so I didn’t have either a vicar/minister or a celebrant. What I arranged for her was a 20 min slot at the local crematorium whereby I chose three of her favourite songs and they were played whilst people sat with their own thoughts/memories of mum .
But different but it’s what she would have wanted x
They also arranged the spreading of the ashes x
Not sure if that helps xx
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Hi Christine
Still thinking about what I can do for Mums birthday. Just cant believe I’m in this position . Get them days when it doesnt seem real at all.
I had one of the volunteers at Cruse say I would be a good counsellor , the way I was talking on the phone. You have to wait two years after a bereavement before you can start training apparently. I’ve got plenty of experience !
Hopefully tomorrow wont be too bad.
Thanks for your kind words
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
Sorry to hear you’re having a hard day but I am aghast that the lady cut your call short as her shift had ended…did I read that right? x if so I am actually appalled. Thankfully the Samaritans were able to be there for you.
I know mums clothes are in the wardrobe but can’t bring myself to tackle them yet so will just leave them there for now.
I find myself starting to almost panic a little again as the nights are closing in and that starts me thinking of king nights and of course the dreaded Xmas but I’m trying to stay positive and think of all the things I can do in the darker nights x
Had a pretty crap day myself but it was all work related and now I’m home I’m determined to put it behind me as tomorrow is a different day.
I meant to say earlier glad you enjoyed Shakespeare and meeting Katherine Parkinson…well done you 
x
Hopefully tomorrow won’t be so bad for you x I don’t think I realised before that there was about a week between our mums 
x
Anyway as I said (paraphrased from Gone with the wind I think) tomorrow is another day 
x
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I hadn’t realised you had to wait 2 years but your compassion and understanding would stand you in good steed for being a counsellor x
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Hi Christine,
I am so sorry that you are finding yourself struggling again as i can appreciate how exhausting it must be x
I do hope you can still go swimming even without your niece…I do miss swimming but have such a phobia of public swimming pools I just can’t deal x. Like Tina was asking…do you stop off anywhere nearby even if it’s to just get a tasty? I know you don’t go out much but was thinking if you knew a place well it might not be so bad…
You photos if your work in the garden again as impressive and inspiring and my wee bit is nearly done so when chair is up I will show you a few photos and ask for your guidance in how to pretty the bit the up of you don’t mind x
Ever since I got the chipping stones down I’m having to weed more than ever as they are still finding a way ti come through the top soil, membrane and gravel and it’s doing my head in!! even weed killer doesn’t seem to stop them lol x
Hopefully this evening/tomorrow finds you better and that your therapy is of benefit to you as often does 
x
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Hi Suzanne.
Thanks for the kind words.
I did have that before when they had to put the phone down as their shift was finishing. It was only about an hour after the phone lines opened. Not exactly a long shift but I am grateful that they have been there for me. Samaritans are always there any time day or night . One or two of them I have spoken to before and remember I like the theatre which was nice of them to do so.
Just one of them crap days and tomorrow probably will be too but I’m used to it on Tuesdays. I thought our Mums passed about the same time and that’s how we found each other on here.
Theatre was very good Saturday and got a real close up view of the play. The National always puts on great work and I’m glad to be a member. I wasnt going round the stage door but thought I’d say hello and thank you to some of the cast. Katherine Parkinson was very friendly although only had a quick chat as she had to dash off round to the Southbank Centre between performances with a couple of the other cast. I didnt have a pen on me for autograph either. Nice to see the South Bank full of people in the sunshine .
Wishing you a very good evening
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi everyone one, been trying to catch up with your posts, seems everyone is struggling a bit in their owns ways.
Christine I hope your niece comes swimming with you, and it was lovely to see the latest things you have been doing in your garden. Are the new fence panels up yet. Like someone said the photo of you mum and dad at the wedding, you have it in your mind what they look like.
Tina I can see it’s been a tough week for you looking after Zoe, but now your brother is back I hope you get a bit more peace and he is nicer to you. Funny how we are all different, you said you can’t look at photos of your mum or your husband. I have photos of Doug everywhere, and I carry one in my purse, even brought the one that sits on my bedside cabinet on holiday with me.
Beki and Lucy I hope you are getting better night’s sleep.
Suzanne, hope work is better tomorrow, Neil thinking of you tomorrow being Tuesday, like Suzanne said can’t believe Cruse cut short a call.
Michelle, I hope the funeral directors can help you with all your question and guide you for the right service for you and what your mum would have wanted.
Hi Nic hope you and the girls are okay.
It took six and half hours to get to Cornwall, the cottage we are staying in at Padstow is very quaint and overlooking the harbour. I’m on the top floor with the grandchildren, and the stairs are so steep and narrow, have to be very careful on them
Yesterday the grandchildren went surfing at Harlyn Bay, almost ended up in the sea too as the tide came rushing in had to quickly move back, we saved the clothes and phones but all the shoes got wet, luckily a lady came to help us as could see what was happening.
Spent afternoon exploring Padstow.
Then went to cinema in Wadebridge to see Thor.
Today, was Lands End, I never been before, Doug drove past it once but wouldn’t stop as he said it was too expensive for what was there. Typical coach driver.
Went on to Penzance, not impressed so we went onto St Ives which lovely. Sat near the harbour where the beach is, then went onto Carbis Bay, such a step hill to get up car nearly never made it.
It’s lovely being with the family, we talk about dad, grandad all the time, it’s as if he is with me every where I go.
Catch up with you all again soon.
Love Debbie X X
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Hi Suzanne,
I think I’m exhausted with all my jobs in the garden and that has made me feel so fragile and not able to stop being upset about mam. I’m back in bed again (nothing on tv) and can’t stop yawning, even though I spent all of today in bed or asleep.
Didn’t get swimming and didn’t hear back from my niece. Did enjoy getting a McD’s drive through after as a treat.
Have my scans tomorrow after therapy. It’s to check all the organs and rule out whatever is causing the pains. Feeling very disconnected to it, so not worried. Hate hospitals and will be thinking of mam and trying not to get upset. She spent so much of her time being taken off in an ambulance to return home again but nobody could go with her. I feel so guilty that she went alone but it was during covid so we weren’t allowed to go. Still doesn’t stop me feeling guilty that I didn’t take her or collect her. It’s the realisation of how alone she must have felt. She would have insisted on going with me.
I can’t understand why you’re still getting weeds. The membrane must just be material? If you really want to get it sorted you would have to remove the gravel and membrane and put something down like a plastic pond liner ( try ‘Swell’ online). It would kill the weeds and stop anything growing through. Cut sections and layer, replacing the membrane and gravel as you do a section. It will seem like a massive task but if you did an area at a time and replace over the summer it would be worth it. Otherwise it will annoy the hell out you forever! That’s what I would do. And get on social media and slate that company who did the job.
Feeling quite flat and settled again after being devastated about mam. Just can’t sum it up in words. In bits.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Debbie,
Lovely to see your pics. So pleased the heatwave is less intense. It’s great that everyone is chatting about Doug and makes him be there with you all. I would love to chat about mam like that. Glad to see you’re having fun. Reminds me of all the places we visited on trips out. That bit about the sea coming in fast reminds me of being little when we went across the causeway in Scotland and had to rush back with the sea covering the tyres! We made it but only just. Could have been washed out to sea.
Those stairs do look very steep! That’s the last thing you need when you’re ready for bed. Hope there’s a loo up there. I always thought a cottage was just downstairs but then I remembered the one on Gogglebox. Mam always wanted to live in an old thatched cottage.
Enjoy the rest of your trip. I was thinking of you travelling down because of the faff with the Dover ferry thing and 7 hour tailbacks for peeps going on hols.
I can practically smell the sea air. Wish I was playing about on the water. Can you hire a boat for the day? It’s lots of fun.
Don’t know if you caught up on all the posts. I’m over the worst of my very intense upset again about mam. Think I’ve overdone it in the garden. I have to remember I am not a man! I’m a middle aged 5 foot 2 woman who lives on soup and fruit smoothies. Stamina is not my biggest asset. Had to leave swimming and didn’t hear back from my niece. Having my scans tomorrow but not worried. Just checking all the major organs like before.
Can’t wait for the next round of pics. Lovely sandy beach. Wish I was there.
Lots of love xxx
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Hello Christine
Really sorry to have read about you feeling so bad again. I know you aren’t one for staying in bed so can imagine that in itself must have been getting you down. If you have been getting extra stressed it’s probably coming out in your body and causing you to feel exhausted. I always used to say to be physically tired is a luxury as you can rest and feel refreshed and recharged but emotional tiredness is something else altogether isn’t it. I can understand a bit as I’ve been feeling like I’ve been run over in the last few days, totally physically and mentally battered. It’s 4.45am and can’t sleep. Watching some Scottish girl on TikTok sharing her tips on how to paint her fence with a sponge. Couldn’t make sense of a word she said but the video was interesting.
Don’t want to face another day today the way things are panning out right now. I’m just not functioning anymore. Don’t belong to anyone and don’t belong anywhere. I shouldn’t really be going on about stuff, I’m not the only one in pain. I will keep my fingers crossed for you today that all goes well at the hospital. Treat yourself afterwards. Catch up later. Much love xx
Hi Neil
Sorry you have had a bit of a bad spell. You can be just doing things and then a random thought will pop into your head or you’ll see something or remember something and it just brings these back into sharp focus doesn’t it. I read of your stories at the theatres and see your photos and admire the fortitude you must have had to do all that stuff. It’s probably been your saviour as well. I agree with everyone else about you making a good counsellor. You and Suzanne could set up business together as remote counsellors and you could offer the rest of us discount price sessions! Have a good day today. xx
Hi Debbie. Your photos are wonderful. It must be so calming down there. It’s probably done you a load of good. xx
Beki I think I’ve beaten your record. It’s now 5.15am. Will have to get up just after 6 to wee the dog. It may go to sleep afterwards and let me have another hour (or two) or not. Anxiety is crushing me and sleep is my only respite but I’m messing that up. Might take a couple of paracetamol and some hot sweet black tea. Might knock me out. Catch up with you again at some stage and hope you yourself have slept.
To Nic, Suzanne, Lucy, Michelle, Kate I hope you all have a gentle day. (How Suzanne and Nic manage having to deal with the public is anyone’s guess).
Thinking of everyone.
xx
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Hi Neil
Sending you best wishes today, now it’s a tough one. It’s the fact we can’t predict when these things will hit us though I don’t know if that is better or worse.
The one thing with my Mums clothes is I can wear them! We basically shared a wardrobe as it was being the same size most of the time and having similar tastes. Maybe not an option for you!You might want to consider having some of her clothing made into a remembrance cushion, throw or teddy. I’m going to do that with some bits that were very much Mums.
Hope you can get some respite today.
Beki x
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Hi Christine
Hope the hospital appointment isn’t too upsetting. I was taken aback how much it affected me when I went in for blood tests. I see my new GP next week which is also a little nerve wrecking, after having the same GP for 24 years, having a new one will be like going on a first date!
My sleep pattern has gone weird again. I am working on the principal the most important thing at the moment is to get sleep - when doesn’t matter so much. I hope you can get some restorative rest.
I seem to have lost a bit of mojo with my garden, hope that comes back.
Beki x
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