Hi Beki
Not a great day today again but it is Tuesday after all.Saturday will be harder this week as that is the 8month anniversary (30th Aug).
We actually had some light rain this morning. Different to last week. Still waiting for those thunder storms we were promised though !
Hope you have a good evening
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Christine x
Yeah the weeds are doing my head in as everytime I turn round thereās more but have some membrane left over so will maybe use that and like put a double layer and then look up your suggestion x
So glad to hear you treated yourself to a McDs and enjoyed itā¦the small things appear to mean more now I find but that may just be me x
Iām pretty sure Nic will agree but the public are so bloody trying just now x the amount of theft now and quibble over every price like it some kind of Eastern Bizzarre ā¦.yes I know we are all having difficulties with money but stop shouting at me!! x One thing about being in the groom room is you donāt really have to deal with people lol x
Hope scans go well and will be thinking of you 
x
Hi Neil,
Was just away to see how you were today but just read your post x have you been able to alleviate the down mood at all?
You have a UC meeting tomorrow donāt you? Mind and tell them about all your applications if they ask x and your friend I hope will be phoning tomorrow as usual too x
Saturday will be indeed be a tough one and just wish we could physically be there with you but as we canāt rest assure weāll all be there in spirit and if youād like us all to perhaps light a candle at the same and send blessings just say a time x
And I love the idea of us being remote counsellorsā¦.thatās the road our paths will take us in a couple of years x
Take care and much love 
Love this Beki x
Hi Suzanne
Still having trouble with the Housing Association. Wish I never bothered calling them now. Just needed some documentation to show UC to reduce my bedroom tax payments . One person says Mum is still on the tenancy, one says the tenancy is void and another says Iām in credit with the rent. Absolute mess and this is what makes my anxiety worse. I just cried earlier especially with being my bad day too. I just cant wait to get through to the end of the weekend and even then have to deal with Sat 30th.
Looking forward to my friend phoning tomorrow.
We should definitely train to be counsellors 
Hope you have a good evening
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
I really do feel for you not sleeping at night. Thereās nothing worse. I felt like I was a zombie trying to not sleep during the day. Have you tried sleeping tablets? I had Zopiclone and they worked to get me into a routine of sleep and then I started the gardening which was a natural physical exhaustion like you said, to get me into a sleeping routine without them. We need sleep just to function. You did make me laugh about the girl on tik tok with her fence sponge and not understanding a word of it. I usually wind down with some Soft White Underbelly interviews on youtube. Interviews giving a voice to the homeless on skid row with all manner of mental health and drug addiction. A real insight into the human condition. It intrigues me and I suppose makes me feel a little less hopeless when Iām at the edge of missing mam. Iāve got over the worst and am hoping to get in the garden again tomorrow to finish the painting.
Had my scans and the lovely lady said everything was normal and not to worry about having cervical cancer. She said the symptoms I have with the bloated belly and pains could be all manner of things. The internet is a dangerous thing when we are looking for answers. Like the GP said the gut is the second brain when it comes to grief. Iāll see what he says about further tests. But itās peace of mind for a general health check.
I understand your feelling of not belonging. That is exactly it. Without mam I donāt belong within the family. They have abandoned me. My niece never got back to me about the swimming so I havenāt bothered again. Wasnāt up to chasing her. I hope your brother isnāt being too caustic towards you. You really donāt deserve it. We love you. Chat again tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Becki,
The scans went well and the woman was lovely, reassured me that everything is normal and my symptoms with the pains and bloating isnāt cervical cancer. So I donāt need to worry. Iām not usually preoccupied with health things. Apart from breast cancer (twice) Iām not usually ill, apart from the chronic fatigue which is stress related and will run its course with lots of sleep. You should really try some sleeping tablets (Zopiclone). They helped me get into a routine of sleeping again. I was just saying to Tina thereās nothing worse than not sleeping because we need it to simply function. I felt like a zombie and so emotionally fragile.
Iām over the worst of my upset again and will try to get in the garden tomorrow and finish the painting (6 long posts) and cut the final trellis into two part as fence toppers so the creep canāt simply peer over the top, being over 6 foot. I know Iām on the mend just by thinking of doing the jobs. If I donāt get it done Iāll try the next day. Iām sure youāll get back into your garden again when it feels right. Maybe just enjoy sitting in it with a cuppa first and look at what youāve achieved with a fresh eye.
Hope your working week is a productive one. Must be really hard going without sleep. Like you said, grab it where and when you can. Iāve learnt that patterns of behaviour and feeling donāt last forever and will change. So thatās something to hang onto.
Will chat tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
I really donāt know how you keep your temper when the public canāt behave themselves! It was quite comforting being in the scan department, really quiet and empty. The women were lovely and it all went well. Nothing unusual so I need not panic about the pain and bloating being cervical cancer. She said the symptoms could be any number of things. It was strange that I didnāt get upset this time being at the hospital. I was quite disassociated from it. Probably didnāt have the energy to be anxious like I normally am. Iāve had loads of sleep in the last few days so am hoping to get in the garden tomorrow and maybe finish some painting. Or at least water the garden when the creep is at work.
Still havenāt heard from my niece about swimming so will just leave it and go myself when Iām up to it. Being this tired is rather like being laid back and not fretting about stuff. Not me at all!
I meant to ask before if you are still enjoying your weekend volunteering? Hope so. Whatever we find to lift us up is worth it.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Iām not surprised you cried. Frustration and stress as well as your mams anniversary coming up. Just hang onto the thought that it will get sorted and will become a thing of the past that you wonāt have to deal with again. I just got a text message saying I have a repair appointment tomorrow with the Council, which I donāt. So Iāll have to spend God knows how long on the phone trying to cancel it. Such a waste of everyones time and I really donāt have the energy to waste. I am feeling a lot better now having had loads of sleep and recovered my energy again to stop crying for mam. When it hits its monstrous! But I know it will run its course and Iāll get back on an even keel again. You will too. We seem to cope with whatever is thrown at us and we move through it and the mood lifts and we have some kind of hope or at least are able to function. You will get things sorted. At least you arenāt doing that as a job. Imagine the frustration.
Have you decided what you would like to do for your mam? A lovely flower display and card always captures the essence of love. Mam used to send a flower card where you top up the water with a little pipette. The act of tending to this miniature garden always made me smile and think of her. Upsets me just thinking that Iāll never be able to send her one again.
My scans were all good with normal results so I can stop worrying about the pains Iām having. I can cope if it is grief. I think of mam when I get them. Grief is such an underrated medical condition. It effects every part of us, from sleep deprivation to anxiety and panic to physical pain. I donāt know why itās kept hidden. Itās only when we are dealing with the onslaught of it that we realise what weāre facing. I liked Bekiās ābe proud of survivingā logo. We will get through whatever we need to but we need to remember to recognise what we achieve. I donāt give myself enough credit for what I do. I just expect to get things done regardless of how I feel. Everything you get sorted is a stepping stone to a less stressful future. Have you thought about contacting your MP? Simply outline the situation and what you need. They will contact the Housing and you wonāt have all this faffing about. People are held to account when its official. Iāve always found them to be really good and itās part of their job to help the public. Would save you a lot of upset.
Hope you get a good nights sleep. I really feel for Tina and Beki at the mo.
Lots of love xxx
Love the idea of creating a throw / cushion with your mams favourite outfits. You could create a patchwork hanging for the wall. Lots of ideas on Pinterest. x
So it was a week yesterday I lost my beautiful kind mum and now i have tested positive for covid. I feel like my throat is closing up, my work wonāt let me back in until Monday so now Iām home alone in the house both mum and me lived in with my thoughts. I just eant to go to sleep and not wake up x
Oh Michelle .
Itās awful isnāt it? I had those feelings in the New Year. You wake up and you have that feeling of dread facing the day. I was getting anxiety attacks too. I actually had one yesterday as well through no fault of my own.
To get Covid on top must be really miserable for you especially now when youāre at home.
This is such a dark path we have to face and we can only do it one step at a time , an hour at a time ,one day at a time at our own pace. Iāve got Mums 8 month anniversary coming up Sat and it just seems like yesterday . Dreading it.
We are all here for you.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hello all.
Iāve got so much to catch up on.
Been having an up and down time like you all.
Had the house to myself on Friday evening but was having a bit of a pity party. Then on Saturday I had my step son stay for the first time in months which was nice but my youngest hasnāt been well which I found out is tonsillitis and with work and her birthday and eldest being home itās been stressful. Their dad has covid and cos he was with them on Friday my sisters not happy to have my eldest this week which I get as they run a restaurant and if they get it it closes. So have had to ask their dad to come here with covid to sit with them for now. Oh well. And all the other stuff on top of it. All of which I know you understand.
I have read through some posts and glad your scans went well Christine and love the pictures. Yours too Neil from your theatre trip. Iām sorry youāve had some bad days. They will get better again. Youāve been such an inspiration to us all so I know better days will be coming for for you. For us all hopefully.
Michelle , this is all so new for you. One minute at a time. My mum wasnāt religious and we had a celebrant and it was really nice. Iām sorry the day is a blur but at the end we played my girl and the curtains closed. But it was a nice service with memories of mum and time to reflect. What sheād of wanted if anything. Sheād of preferred a direct cremation I think but we didnāt get to do it as was all so sudden. Youāll know whatās right for your mum.
Sending lots of love to you all and always thinking of you all
Sorry itās a rushed message. Work in a bit and house to sort before I goā¦ Iāll read through posts tonight
Love Nic xxx
Hello Debbie.
That picture of the two people is like those photos that turn into iconic prints. As good as any āposedā pi ture. Glad your hols are going well
Hello Christine
Good news from the hospital. Really pleased for you. It kind of frees your mind and takes the weight of doesnāt it.
Iāll be thinking of you having a potter about the garden. Mind you I think āpotteringā is a bit of a tame description for what you do!
I know what you mean about the internet being a dangerous place for looking up health information.
Doctors must be so disheartened when patients say āI looked online etc ā¦ā. Itās great after a diagnosis is received but before then it can be quite scary.
Was gonna go out of town today but I donāt drive and theres a bus strike on so that decided that for me. Plus I had forgot I needed to sign for a parcel. Maybe Iāll do something in the garden instead.
Speak again soon
Much love xx
Sorry Michelle to hear youāve got got COVID. I escaped COVID all the time Mum was ill and only caught it a couple of months ago. Hope it doesnāt bring you down that much. It will be hard being in the home that you shared with Mum Iām the same. Being ill will make you even more emotionally vulnerable so just do what you can to conserve a bit of energy.
Love and best wishes.
Hello to all,
Christine, good news your scans are clear, internet is a dangerous place to self diagnose and we can imagine all sorts of things.
Michelle, hope you feel better soon, I had covid on Dougās first anniversary, luckily for me it was just like a heavy cold but did leave me feeling exhausted for week after, so look after yourself.
Tina, I donāt drive either so buses going on strike is a pain, hope you can get into town soon.
Nic, hope this week gets better for you after your disrupted weekend.
Beki, Lucy, not sleeping can be draining, hope your sleep pattern returns to normal for you both.
Suzanne did I see you went away last weekend. At least working in a school I donāt get stroppy customers, just hormonal teenagers to deal with.
Neil, I see your struggling a bit this week with your mumās birthday coming up. Hope your UC meeting is positive today and you get your housing association information sorted out soon.
Holiday up date:
Yesterday went to Tintagel, last time I was there was twenty two years ago with Doug, the scenery is beautiful and just as I remembered it.
Then went onto Port Isaac, the place where Doc Martin was filmed called Port Wenn in series. Very steep narrow streets but pretty fishing village. Me and my daughter got dive bombed by a seagull trying to get our ice-creams.
The evening went back to Padstow, grandchildren were catching crabs, only caught one.
Today we are off to Newquay, the grandchildren and my son in law are going surfing again, then going swimming later in a leisure pool.
Sending love to everyone and speak to you later.
Love Debbie X X
Hi Michelle,
Iām so sorry. Words just cannot express the loss. I lost my mam in November and I donāt know how Iām still here. It feels like its just happened. Like Neil said you have to take it in tiny steps. Itās all you can do to get through. Iāve learnt that whatever you are feeling now, however dark and desperate, it will run its course and you will feel a time of reprieve until the next wave of grief hits. We are all just trying to get through the day. Itās a relief to get to evening and you know you can put another day behind you. None of this helps but posting here does. You will find love and understanding and support. Everyone knows and feels what you are going through. Our mams are the most precious thing in this world. I still want to curl up with her in her coffin. I still see her at the chapel of rest and want to climb inside the coffin and be cremated with her. I wake everyday and hope I donāt the next. But if you find some comfort in routine or doing something you and your mam enjoyed then it helps get you through the hours. I feel closest to mam doing my garden because that is how she spent her time and I return to that happy place we shared when I helped her. But it doesnāt stop the upset.
Iām pleased you have support around you. My family disintegrated when mam died and I am completely alone. Take comfort in having that support. You will need it. Itās so early on for you. Iām so very sorry you have to find yourself here. I donāt know what I would have done without this group. Post whenever you need to reach out. One of us will be here, day or night. A lot of us canāt sleep so you are likely to get a reply at any time.
Lots of love xxx
I lost my Mam 7 weeks ago, I have been her full time carer for the past 3 years. I miss her so much my heart is broken, I hate this life I have now. I sit most of the day in front of the telly thinking about her, she was my best friend and feel totally lost. I feel when my husband comes home he looks at my miserable face and thinks oh god sheās still like itā¦ I listen to podcasts on grief to try make sense of it all, someday I want to scream I just want my beautiful caring funny best friend back 
Hi Nic,
Cannot imagine your stress! But maybe having to keep going and sorting it all out gets you through the day faster than just sitting. Hope you recognise that inner strength you have. Your mam will be proud of you!
My scans revealed nothing to report so thatās good news. I was worried about having cervical cancer but the symptoms described on the internet can be a whole host of conditions. Doesnāt stop the pains in my stomach though. They only started after mam so it could be grief and I think of mam every time.
I had hoped that my energy was recovered enough to get out in the garden today but I donāt think I can. Not dressed yet and really need to lie down again. Think Iām exhausted. I always know when Iām on the mend because sitting around not doing anything really annoys me. But when I donāt have the energy I just let it go.
Up at 5 this morning with Porsch screaming for her chicken. Iāve never been an early bird but Iām getting used to it. Canāt ignore that scream like sheās being strangled! Such a drama queen.
Love to you and the girls xxx