Hi Nic,
You are such a busy lady! Does it help being so busy? I imagine it must keep you going because you have to, even when you just want it all to stop. You have such inner strength. Your mam will be very proud of you. Hope Evie is ok and on the mend. Special kisses to her.
Our group is growing! It is heartbreaking to know there are so many broken people but comforting to be able to share our stories and help each other through. I’m very touched that creating the shrine has inspired others. I sit every night with mam, wondering where she is and still want her to visit me.
Just to update you, I bought fencing for the hedge where the creep watches me when I’m sitting on the patio and don’t know when he gets in from work. Will be a relief to get them up. Forgot to but posts and spikes so it is a work in progress. He sits at the top of his garden looking down onto my windows, listening for where I am because all the windows are open with the heat. I have to close my blinds so he can’t see me. Still trying to get out in the garden. He’s at work. Hope to screw a trellis together today and finish painting it.
I so envy you all with beaches to walk down near your home. I would tie that into my daily routine. The seaside reminds me of being little, hot sandy cheese sandwiches, wafty hair (South Shields was always windy), catching crabs in rock pools, building sand castles and burying my sister in the beach. Such fun!
Lots of love xxx
Hi All
I’m having a really bad day and not sure anyone can help but got myself in a state…again.
Mum was a housing association tennant RHP and we’ve lived in our 2 bedroom house since 1983. I obviously notified them about mum and this morning I’ve received a letter sending condolences etc and then asking me to complete the enclosed forms but also they have enclosed a notice to quit it says please don’t worry its just a formality and once all the forms are completed they will notify me of their decision but guess what I’m worrying and a complete mess. Husband trying to tell me not to worry as I’ve lived here all my life but am terrified.
Hello again Jane thank you for your reply. Yes my dear the orchids are looking good. I wish I felt S well as the orchids . But still very tearful but as I am sure as people tell me it will take time . Thank you for your reply Jane I appreciate that very much . I look forward to our next contact . Love to you Jane . Jim xxx
Hi Jim,
I lost my mum in February this year. She loved orchids too. I kept one of them but have no clue how to look after them but somehow……
I bet my mum was sitting there thinking I’d kill it… wish I’d kept them all now.
Sending love,
Nic xxx
@christine51 I carnt believe what your going through with your idiot neighbour, carnt believe the police carnt do anything? What an utter weirdo, why doesn’t he live his own life & leave you alone the utter freak
@nicnic
Your orchid is beautiful, sadly I’ve got no clue about flowers wish I did.
Jane,
I don’t normally have houseplants cos I’m rubbish with them but this one’s done ok. I’ve got one of her Christmas cacti too which I’m managing to keep alive too…
Hi michelle,
I’m sorry I can’t help with this one. Neil is the best one to ask. It’s horrendous how grief is dealt with by all manner of services. I completely understand your reaction. But if they say it is a formality and you must have the option to stay there then try to take each step as it comes. Doesn’t help with the worry. I’m sure they cannot force you out. It is your home. One thing you can do is contact your MP online. They have an application form to complete. So give them the info of the situation and that you do not want to move. They will liaise on your behalf and the housing association will not be able to bully you basically because it will be going through the MP. I have always found my MP services very helpful, exploring all options and gathering information. I know you are in a panic now but these things take time. To be pro active is the best weapon you have against panic. I know this because I am agoraphobic and have panic and anxiety on a daily basis. To regain control will make you feel better, I promise you. Glad you have your husband by your side for reassurance. He sounds reassuring and level headed.
Have a cuppa, review the info you have and get online. It’s a simple form to complete and will start the ball rolling. You are not the first that this has happened to. Neil is still in his family home. There are so many people effected by this type of situation. It’s so unfair that you have to deal with the stress ontop of grief.
I’ve been sorting out my car insurance renewal and breakdown cover. Found a great quote and now cannot retrieve it. Can’t speak to a person about cancelling the renewal. Breakdown cover overlaps with the new policy and a fee applicable if I add on later to the new cover. Can’t reset my cameras and updates in software won’t launch. It’s all stress and hard work but I know it will sort itself out and will become a thing of the past. Just have to get it done and move forward. Modern life is certainly a test of patience and willpower!
Hope I’ve helped.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Jane,
It is an ongoing battle with the creep since he moved in years ago. The police said it was a mere ‘neighbour dispute’. Imagine if we all did that to each other. I had a massive knife under my bed every time I went to sleep, imagining him standing over me or worse, knowing he could crawl through the loft and into my house for 3 months. If only I’d had the forethought to have cameras in my loft to catch him in the act , but who would ever imagine that to happen, apart from in horror films? The reaction from was sister was that I had house insurance if he nicked anything. She was annoyed because I was frightened to leave the house, but also frightened to stay there. I kept wishing he would do something just so there would be evidence. A middle aged man has obviously got a history of deviant behaviour to know what he can get away with. And so I have to hide in my bedroom when he’s at home to stop him watching me. And so it continues because I can’t do anything about it.
You mentioned the lovely orchid. I have fake ones from Amazon that look real. Worth a look if you wanted one. I have them in the kitchen
and bedroom
carrying the theme of mam’s shrine with the buddhas throughout
DSCN6319|666x500
An inexpensive way of creating a theme and ambience.
My fish, Elsie,
and eel, Hilda
are decorated too on top of their tank
No watering and faffing about. I have so much to do in the garden I couldn’t be doing it as well in the house. And of course they last forever.
Just heard the creep outside because I put my light on to photograph. Obsessed doesn’t do it justice!
Lots of love xxx
Hi everyone
Just been reading all the posts and messages . Thank you for your kind words on my Mum’s eight month anniversary day. Still only seems like yesterday in many ways.
As I said I did what I was going to do and had a quiet day. I had a planned call to Cruse which I do if it might be a difficult day and got through straight away.
Did some usual jobs round the flat and watched some sport this afternoon . Not feeling too bad actually. Sometimes it’s a relief to get to the weekend if I’m dealing with anxieties caused by other people on weekdays and can relax a bit more .
I see we have some more members to our growing group and am not the only male now ! Welcome to Jim and Miky although sorry you had to find us . So many lovely people here who I regard as good friends and certainly better friends than some I could mention that I know in person!
Hope your Saturday is as good as it can be for you all
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
So pleased to see you are here and coping better than perhaps expected. I think the anticipation can be worse than the actual day itself and then other times it’s like a bomb going off. I’m trying to ignore the time scale for mam and just let the days and weeks roll until birthdays and he like come round to be celebrated. I was very upset again this morning. Just hit me when I was in the bath. No special thought but rather a massive wave of upset. Mam was 35 weeks on Thursday. Really don’t know how any of us make it this far. I can certainly understand now why some people use drink and drugs to numb the pain. If I wasn’t such a control freak with my anxiety I would certainly be drownng my sorrows (and probably making them worse) day in day out, though I only drank pints of lager when I went out, and Snakebite (being a Northerner out on the town!) Very classy! I miss going out and getting dolled up.
I was just chatting to Michelle about her housing situation and thought you would be the one to give her some advice. She’s in a real pickle. I suggested contacting her MP for help.
Yes, we have more men in our group. I’m so pleased people are joining and hope they find comfort here too.
You’ll be able to plan something nice again now that you are able to look ahead after today. I’ve booked a swim after therapy so looking forward to it. Will let my niece know and leave it up to her if she wants to join me.
Nice to see you today.
Lots of love xxx
@christine51 aww your flowers looks absolutely beautiful, they really do.
Don’t let the little shit wear you down my lovely, keep strong.
All such lovely people on here…
Thank you so much I think seeing things in writing makes it all real again. I’ll wait to hear from Neil i know today is a hard day for him. Thank you for your advicei will definitely have a look for our MP, i think my problem is i go on Google and all you find is the worst. I read too much into every letter so i haven’t stopped crying all day. I just miss mum so much i don’t want to be at home as shes not there but i also want to be there because mum was there…i just cant make sense of anything. xx
Hi Michelle,
All you want is your mam. I was crying today in the bath. It just hit me again that she’s not here, 8 months later. I keep wanting to tell her things and then know I can’t. It feels like she’s drifted away from me and then other times she’s here. I was thinking about how my parents would have made a day of it helping with the fence panels, getting them up and then a barbie afterwards, with my sister and the kids. None of that will happen again. Mam was the family. Without her there is no unity. Being in the garden, pottering with my mam, will never happen again. I’m overwhelmed again with sadness.
Have you gathered any of her things to create a ‘shrine’ or place to reflect? I found it helped me to create it for her and to have a place dedicated to loving her. Nothing will help with the pain of losing her but time does allow us to be hit and then a little reprieve to recover. Can’t believe it’s this long since she left. I still see myself at the hospital and the chapel of rest. It feels like my heart is actually broken. I’m not coping well today because I can’t get in the garden because of the creep. I find being busy helps to distract me from grief. It doesn’t always but if I can achieve a task it gets me to evening and that’s a relief, to put another day behind me. I wish I could dream of her. I haven’t dreamed since she left. It’s like being stuck in limbo. Not making sense of anything, trying to piece bits together and remember is something we all do. Sorry, I get stuck and can’t climb out. But that’s the point of this site. To express emotion. It does help.
Lots of love xxx
Evening Neil,
I am relieved to hear that today wasn’t as hard in you as I think you and all of us feared x
Hope you managed to have some happy memories today and let’s hope tomorrow is as uneventful for you too x
Have a peaceful evening and sleep well 
xx
Hi Christine
Thank you for replying again you are right i just want mum. I’m laying here wide awake with so much running through my head. How am i going to get through this? How will i cope if i lose the house,? Whats the point in going on? I just want to go and be with mum. X
Hi Michelle,
It’s hard making sense of it because it doesn’t make sense at all. I’m finding it hard to sleep too. Been watching a good horror on Netflix. But even that brings up scary thoughts of mam. Does the cremation service actually do the cremation when the curtain closes? We had to wait so long for the ashes. She had to go through that on her own. I wish I could have been with her, held her hand, made sure she wasn’t frightened. I see the world now in relation to mam. There’s no place to hide. Must try to get some sleep. Just thought I’d pop back in and see if anyone was still here. Night x
Morning
Hipe you managed some sleep i haven’t it’s just all going around and around in my head. The funeral director asked if i wanted the curtain open or closed i dont know its all too much, i just don’t want mum to go.
I’ve still got everything about the house going around I’m so scared about that as well, we’ve been here 39 years i dont want to move mum is everywhere here. I just dont want to be here anymore. xx
Hi Michelle
I’ve had many problems with the Housing Association over the last few months but 8 months later am still here. I’ve lived at this address for over 15 years and we moved downstairs because of Dads disability so nearly 40 years in the block. I had to provide proof I’ve lived here for a long time and other documentation too. It depends on what tenancy you have , how long you have lived there, your relationship to the person who died and what your housing association/ council are like for discretionary tenancies as everyone is different. The less I say about my housing assoc the better after causing me anxiety and mental health problems that I had to get a doctors letter for.
Hope all goes well and you can stay at your home as you should.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil
Thank you for replying. We’ve been in our house a 2 up 2 down terrace for 39 years. I’ve lived with mum all that time and my husband moved in 24 years ago. Mum had a secure/assured tenancy and we saw someone a few years ago who said it would come down to me but as you know its so stressful. I’m guessing the letter i got is just a generic letter with mums details added but i think its the notice to quit that got me but the letter does say its just a legal formality to end mums tenancy and for me to complete the forms and send them back. I’m so scared. x
Hi Michelle
That’s the law when someone passes that they have to send the Notice To Quit. It’s the way it’s worded and the formality of it with no compassion so I’m not surprised you are so anxious x