Oh goodness me these are gorgeous. I’d post some of Zoe but I’m not sure how! x
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Hi Suzanne.
Love your rabbits. I’ve always wanted a pet rabbit but never been in a position to have one. Was thinking about getting a pet for company - possibly a rat or hamster in the flat although I love budgies and have had a couple before x
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Hello Suzanne.
… “Trying to make the house respectful to her life and love.”
I really like that sentiment, I’m been trying to do the same and seeing what you’ve written reinforces my resolve to try. Mum was incredibly tidy whilst at the same time being a hoarder. I’m the opposite. I’m not a hoarder yet once I put stuff down its a case of never to be seen again.
Nice to hear counselling helps. Sometimes it’s like there’s an urgency to feel better and it takes time doesn’t it, however short or long that time may be.
Keep going x
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Back home after seeing Hamilton. Really good show even I though I cant stand rap and hip hop. It was very clever and original and the cast were outstanding. Got a standing ovation by the whole audience . Lovely theatre inside and a nice cheap ticket too so had a good afternoon. Felt somewhat like my old self .
Much love Suzanne, Christine and Tina xxx
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Hi Tina,
When you reply to a comment look down to the bottom of the comment box and on the right you’ll see a pink box with what looks like a picture of a hill…hit that and it’ll ask if you want to download or take a photo…follow the instructions and upload your photos 
x
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Hi Neil,
You can’t beat a nice wee house rabbit but they can be needy wee gits lol x
Out of the selection you mentioned I would say rats every day. They are social, clean, clever, intelligent and very loving.
Hamsters are ok as pets but they are like gerbils in that very often they don’t do much lol x
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Hi Tina,
I hadn’t realised how much of a hoarder mum was tbh and the majority of it are handbags and shoes lol x I have a few of her favourite bags to her best friend as I know they both liked Tula, Yoshi and Radley bags and I know they will be treated well so was easier than I thought it would be to give them away.
The lady counsellor doesn’t make you feel bad for grieving and actually makes you think and confront your negative thoughts and even was speaking to me a lot about my anxiety. She definitely has been helping and even has given me a couple of different ways to think about and tackle my dark days.
You will be doing amazing with your tidying up and if anything like me you’ll be doing away fine and then will find one thing that makes you so sad that you just give up for the day. If that happens just roll with it, don’t just annoyed m/frustrated with yourself and let yourself cry/shout…whatever makes you feel better.
We are all so good at belittling and chastising ourselves for failing but that’s what we’re here for to help you recognise small wins and steps forward and actually remind you of how far you/we all have come in this hideous journey.
The counsellor tasked me with doing something nice for myself each day however small so maybe we could all do it because we deserve it 
X
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Hi Neil,
I think I know where this theatre is even though only ever passed it on a bus…looks amazing inside.
I know what you mean about the rap/hip hop. When I first saw it on TV I had to try it twice before I watched it all the way through as it kinda took me by surprise when it first started and I found I definitely enjoyed the second half better but live shows are always so much better and very happy to hear you enjoyed it and made you feel good 
Hope you had a lovely tea to finish off your great day.
Have an equally great night and chat soon
Suzanne x
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Like the photos Neil. Some of these theatres you visit are quite stunning. Newer style ones are much more primitive aren’t they. Not much atmosphere to them. x
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Hi Suzanne,
I’ve had a good day today. Got up early after a good sleep and did chores. I looked at the David Austen catalogue (beautiful) and have decided on a combo of climbing roses which are highly perfumed and open (old fashioned) for the bees etc. I also made a list of garden jobs while having a cuppa with Porscha looking out the window, enjoying the birds feeding. I can only open my blinds like this when the creep is at work. So it makes it a special thing. It’s raining here but I like the rain.
I agree with you that a puppy would be best. I forgot about your mams cat. You’ll be able to train it and I’m sure the cat will be ‘top dog’ in their relationship.
I’m so pleased that you enjoyed meeting your mam’s friend. Will you do it again? It could be a nice new thing for you both, or change it up a bit to a coffee or walk in the park when the weather gets a bit better (so cold I had to put the heating back on) . I really miss chatting and remembering mam because nobody rings me. I did send my sisters texts telling them I was feeling a bit better but no replies and dad still hasn’t phoned me.
I had to have a snooze this afternoon. I’m so exhausted.
Don’t know why this didn’t post so I’ll put it out and then catch up x
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Hi Suzanne - sounds like you’ve got a counsellor that you can feel at ease with. That’s never guaranteed so you have been really fortunate. Funny what people take a liking to and hoard. With me it’s anything with bling and sparkle like tealight holders, photo frames, mosaic glass vases etc. xx
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My sister had a rat for years (a rescue) and he was so loving. He would wake the children up when they were little and sit with the family for breakfast, pinching a bit of toast. They make wonderful pets and very intelligent. x
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Hello Christine
Glad to hear you had a good day. I agree about the rain, it’s calming in a way.
Went to Supermarket earlier. tend not to browse these days, just in and out before anyone I know sees me.
Things are starting to appear now in the garden aren’t they, loads of new shoots. Bittersweet but that’s nature isn’t it.
Glad you are making the most of the freedom whilst your neighbour is out.
Will drop a line tomorrow.
Take care
xc
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Hi Tina and Suzanne and Neil,
I agree that I’ve felt very pressured to get on with things in order to get over the grief in order to feel close to mam again. I find it exhausting trying to make the effort and cannot concentrate for long. I’ve stopped needing the sleeping tablets. I seem to be less intensively upset about mam now and the war. I just think I’ve reached my limit of emotional outpouring. I can’t do it anymore. But I now feel blank and hollow, like a zombie (love a zombie film or end of the world scenario). Glad your councelling is going well Suzanne and that the Samaritans are a help to Neil. Just posting here feels like I’m not reallt present but I’m trying to catch up on everyone’s posts. You all seem to be doing ok.
x
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Hiya Neil,
I love hip hop and rap. It’s very clever, like modern street poetry (love poetry).
So pleased that going to shows is not just an escape for a few hours but seems to be bringing you back to who you were before your mam left. I feel so far away from who I was that it seems I’ll never get back there. Keep going as often as you can. I think it’s because you both enjoyed it that it’s so therapeutic. Love x
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I’m so pleased the counselling is working and helping you with anxiety. I’ve lived with mine for 20 years and it’s a complicated emotion. Someone described anxiety/panic as a faulty alarm system and we have to recognise that it is a false alarm and there is no danger.
That was lovely giving your mams handbags to her friend. She will treasure them forever. They will be so special to her because you gave them with love. xxx
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Hi again Christine.
I was stood in the kitchen this afternoon and was trying to think of a word to describe how I was feeling and it was the same as you said “Blank”. It’s a strange feeling. My sister said I should go “out” more to gain a sense of “normalness”. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to find a “normalness” where there is none and I really can’t be doing with people. I just would rather retreat in my shell and I know that’s not a healthy situation but it’s more achievable than pitching a tent in the middle of a field.
I was reading Suzanne’s post earlier about how she was keeping their home nice and tidy in respect for her Mum and in worthiness of her Mum’s love. What she said really had an effect on me. I had been trying but she’d just put it so eloquently.
I still don’t know who I am. I’m just very detached. Sometimes I look outside of my window and think I don’t even recognize where I am. That kind of feels worrying.
It’s really positive you’ve done stuff, even if we don’t get two days the same. Don’t feel pressured to feel better sooner than what you feel you should. Life in general is all “fix it now/have it now” and it’s become a mentality for everything under the sun I think.
Hope I haven’t depressed you on your “good” day. I hope you have another tomorrow.
xxx
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Hi Tina,
I love the rain because it reminds me of being little camping in the summer holidays with the family and cats (they loved bringing us treasures for breakfast from the fields). We toured all over England, Scotland and Wales. But it rained every time. I would trace the trickle down the car window as we travelled. It’s so comforting, that feeling of security being little. I miss it.
I did a little bit in the garden again, some cutting back branches and little jobs and tidying grasses. It was a bit of a half hearted attempt but I felt better for being out and it was so lovely in the sun. I do think gardening is therapeutic.
I was reading your post about tidying and hoarding and it made me remember mams collection of jars. It didn’t make me cy but it does make me sad because they just went to the recycling bin. She kept collecting and didn’t make her jams. The ones she did make were solidified and had to be thrown out. That was heartbreaking. She kept them all lined up in the door of the fridge not knowing they had to be thrown out.
I feel very numb and empty.
My other sister messaged me saying hello and that I’d told everyone to leave me alone and I hadn’t. I still have our texts. But I’ll catch up with her tomorrow. It’s probably because I chatted to dad the other day. I still can’t get the enthusiasm to go out and visit. I can’t push myself to do it.
When you’re tidying do you tackle one thing at a time (newspapers, clothes, toys)? Might help to not be overwhelmed with everything in one go. I have to be very clear with myself about what I want to achieve otherwise I wouldn’t get anything done. I know how painful it will be. I remember trying to start mams clothes and they wouldn’t let me do it because it was upsetting dad. The next day I discovered they had done it all without me and I had to empty all the bags going to the charity shop (things they didn’t want) to see what I could keep to remind me of her. I’m wearing her blue velvet trousers for bed. She loved velvet and wore it for xmas. I’m starting to get upset now and hadn’t because I was so overwhelmed with the war. I miss her so much. But I’m glad she’s not here to see what is happening. She would be extremely upset. I’m thinking of donating because I can’t take anything to a collection point on my own. It’s the only thing I can do. I saw the appeal on tv tonight.
Night hun x
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Hi Tina
Certainly spoilt for choice for theatres in London. The Victoria Palace is a beauty . I’m interested in the history and architecture of the building too. There are certainly some stories behind some of them x