I was wondering if you’d managed to get out yesterday.
Thanks for looking into the mildew thing. It was a kind gesture.
Words can’t describe how sorry I feel about your situation. About 20 years ago we were terrorised in our own home by neighbours that hell didn’t even want. Some the things they did to our pet cats were so distressing that I won’t even speak of. The council knew it was going on but nothing got done. I think council CCTV should be extended to all their housing estates. If no-one is doing anything wrong they’ve nothing to fear.
How did you get on with contacting the Rose people about your failed roses? Hope they’ll offer some kind of credit or replacement/refund.
I’m sorry to read you have been upset again about Mam on top of everything else. I think we lose a special innocence when we lose our Mum. Hope you do manage to get out soon. I know it’s not a fix but some time away from Lurch might help you feel more rested and able to take a bit if time for yourself.
My Sister came round yesterday so I gave her the little bird thing gift and crystal that I bought for her birthday. Don’t know if it’s me but we just seem miles apart.
Zoe is creating havoc at the moment, she didn’t get took out for a walk yesterday and they need at least 2 hours plus in a day do by tea time that’s about 4 hours of mischief making!
The first part of the week is over and I hope you are feeling not too wrung out at the moment. I hope your mate calls. Sometimes even just a few words from someone outside our own heads can bring much needed respite.
Hi Tina
Today is always difficult too as that was the day we went out for lunch every week and had a few teary moments this morning . At these times I use Cruse/Samaritans before I get too bad and then I’m usually OK the rest of the week . Looking forward to my friend phoning as always when he gets in from work.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Debbie,
I had a very odd thing happen when I left for therapy yesterday. Creep had arrived back so I had to try a couple of times to go out but had my phone ready to film him. He didn’t come out because he watches from his net curtain. But his mate arrived with her girlfriends just as I got to my car. They all stared at me and so I stared back. before getting in the car. Then I had to sit while the car passed me very slowly with her girlfriends leaving. I help me phone up ready to film. Haven’t got a clue what that was about but clearly the creep has said something awful for them to behave like that to me. I’ve never seen them so it was a very bizarre situation. I am being bullied by people I don’t even know. There was drilling before he left at 7 today because it woke me up. Haven’t got out there yet. I feel so drained. Have to water the garden as haven’t done for nearly a week (Thursday). Just have no energy to cope with the stress. It takes a good 2 hours or more to really soak it properly.
I did feel better for getting out to therapy and going swimming with my niece. She said she’d help with the fence and cameras. She thinks it’s awful that I have to live like this. But if I can catch what he’s doing and stop him being able to watch from the back garden I will have peace of mind. It will really annoy him.
I was so upset remembering the chapel of rest. It brought it all back. It feels like mams been gone for such a long time now and I still want her to come back.
It will be hard for you getting used to be alone at home again. At least when you were working you weren’t having to spend the time at home. But having appointments will fill in time and you can plan nice things around that. At least its not winter for your boiler. Dreading the bills like you said. It really hit home that my niece will be gone soon and I won’t have anyone at all in the family to connect to, speak to , meet up with, call on if I need help etc. I will be absolutely alone. I lost my whole family apart from my niece when mam left. How can that happen?
Going to get out there now. All I want to do is not be here. The workmen are next door so it’s not like its peaceful out there. Know I’ll be watched by the woman after yesterday. Why is she so thick to believe the creep when he obviously has problems and isn’t normal? It baffles me.
Will post later on. Just hoping there’s nothing confrontational happens when I’m out there.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
You’ll see from my post to Debbie I left the house yesterday after being trapped from Thursday because the creep was at home. It has such a massive impact on me. He’s obviously bad mouthing me to his mate and then her girlfriends to deflect attention away from what he has done to me. It’s bullying. He knows I’ll report him if he does anything himself. I’m dreading going out there because I can hear people and will have to put on a brave front. All I want to do is not be here. I just want to be with mam. Your neighbours from hell sounds much worse than what I’m coping with. Mine is a less brutal form of intimidation I suppose. But what can they do to me? The worst thing in the world has already happened to me, losing mam.
It was nice to see my niece though and she will help with the fence and camera’s. I’m very aware she will leave for uni soon and I’ll be totally isolated again. I hate my life. I just don’t see the point in carrying on. Wish the creep would actually do something to finish me off and put an end to this situation. I’m feeling really desperate now. I just don’t have the energy to keep fighting. I can’t see any way this will improve as long as he is allowed to live here and get away with what he has done to me. Nobody is helping me or protecting me, or punishing him.
Glad Zoe is up to her usual antics! Porscha had me up at 5.30 for chicken so I’m not even sleeping through. Maybe a couple of hours. Feel so ill because I have no appetite.
Catch up later xxx
Hi Neil,
Thinking of you. I’m not doing great again. I really don’t want to go out in the garden but I have to. There’s lots of activity with diy but the creeps van isn’t there so hoping its workmen. Hope he hasn’t parked away and crept back to the house so I go out there and don’t know if he’s watching or not. This is an awful situation I am living in. Feeling truly desperate and not just about mam now. I know it doesn’t make you feel better but at least you have a peaceful place to be at home and you can grieve in private. Hope your phonecalls help and your friend tonight.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne, That is fabulous! Can imagine the foxes and all manner of wildlife will think so too when you’re sleeping! My niece was telling me about her neighbour having to clean up fox poo in his kitchen every morning. He has a massive dog flap and they make themselves at home when he’s asleep. Just having to do that before you go to work every day!
Lots of love xxx
@christine51 are you in touch with your local mental health team? Like you say, this unbearable living situation goes beyond your grief and is effecting everything for you and that is so tough on your mental health.
@NEILB72 hope your calls help today - like someone said sometimes just another ear listening or a different voice offering support can help
@MichelleY how are you today. The early days are tough, just try your best to cover those main things - stay hydrated, eat a little something of anything you can and rest as and when you need. Big hugs
Ah Beki thank you for your message. Unfortunately I’m really struggling luckily i have a fantastic husband who spoke fo our doctors on Monday and the mental health team called me yesterday and have a face to face on Monday so I’m one of the lucky ones really. I still can’t accept mum isn’t coming back as everyone said she was so cold yesterday but mums hair was still lovely and soft. I miss her so damn much how am i ever going to cope. xx
I hope you’re all ok. I hope you’re doing a little better today Neil. It was my youngests birthday on Monday and seeing one less card and having one less visit hit me harder than I thought it would. Really missed mum more than ever on Monday. Have my birthday and my eldests to get through this month too. I hope your friend calling will ease some of these feelings for you and we’ll all be here for you on the 11th.
Christine, send me your address! I’m coming to sort that massive knob head out once and for all! I hope you managed to get in the garden for a while today and I hope things have lifted a little for you. This is one shit journey we are on but god knows how I’d of done it without you all.
Michelle I’m glad you’ve got a call on Monday. I am hoping it will help you. Let us know? I didn’t go and see mum as completely wimped out and had enough images in my head and was scared of how I’d react but sometimes wish I had now but I’m not sure I had the strength to see her like it anymore. I don’t know. It’s all so hard but we are all here for each other and we’ll be here for you too.
The rest of you! I how you’re all as ok as can be. Thinking of you all and sending lots of love always,
Hi Nic
Thank you . I know you will all be there for me next week. Dreading it to be honest as it is the anticipation building up. Had a good chat from my friend earlier as usual.
I agree with what you said to Christine about the creep and going to sort him out. The bloke has a serious problem.
Wishing you a good evening
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Days are hard arnt they without our loved ones
I can be busy doing something and il just think of my mam and my heart sinks… I just carnt believe she’s gone, still carnt except it. Do you all get this sinking feeling
I’ve just joined amazon audi books, going to listen to julia samuals book Grief works, hopefully help understand this crappy world.
Hope everyone’s getting some nice weather, really warm here, Cleethorpes.
Does anybody have reiki, Navigo have rang me and offered me 3 sessions for free. I’ve heard that sometimes a loved one can come through aswell, so hoping so much my mam will
Hi Beki,
No tablet or chat will change my situation. They only remedy is to catch him doing something gross, enough to get evicted for and arrested, or for him to leave and he’s going nowhere.
I got out today with a real struggle because he was at work and woke me up before he left at 7am with drilling noise on the other side of the wall to where I was sleeping in the sitting room (because its cooler with the fireplace). If it’s not drilling its tapping on the wall. I ignore it. But he knows I can hear because he can hear everything I do to know where I am in the house.
Soaked the garden (will post pics later as I still haven’t eaten today), finished an arch, finished a trellis (cut down and drill back together), paint all the bits (2 bi 2) from the shed and the offcuts of trellis. My fingers are so sore. But that’s a massive job done.
Just have to get the bits delivered and start putting 2 fence panels through the trees and attach to the posts and fences already there (tricky and not sure how it will go). My niece will help me. Might have to order another fence panel and the posts and spikes to secure. But looking forward to getting them up. Also have the trellis tops waiting for the post spike ‘shoe’.
I’m so exhausted I could barely stand up going round the garden. Had to sit down. But enjoyed doing some photography.
Hope work is going well and you’ve settled into a routine and hope that will get you back to a good sleep pattern. I’ll certainly sleep tonight. I’m so knackered! Mam hated that word. Thinking about her so much lately again that I can’t stop being in that constant state of upset, punishing myself for not being everything I’m not. I wish I was less driven to achieve, be less opinionated, lower my expectations, be quiet… I feel it is because of who I am that my family have abandoned me. I asked my niece and she doesn’t know why my sister started ignoring me without any incident. She says she doesn’t know. My dad dislikes me so much that he wouldn’t care if I died. My other sister is too busy. My niece will go to uni and I won’t see her. I don’t see my other nephew as he’s working all the time and the little one enjoyed swimming but that stopped. I feel so alone in the world. But then I think nothing matters because mams not here and that is all that counts. Without her here there is nothing. It’s just emptiness.
Sorry Beki, you’re being so positive and I know how hard that is to maintain.
lots of love xxx
Hi Michelle,
I’m not coping again at all and its been over 8 months. Did seeing her at the chapel help you? I wish I could still go back there. I’d visit her every day. This time you have is so valuable. I wasn’t told mam was ready for me to visit her for over a week. I could only go 3 times and I could have gone for a week and a half. I was really shocked at how different she looked but I got used to that version of her. All I did was break my heart standing holding her hand, stroking her hair. I kept wanting her to wake up and it was all a big mistake but i knew that wouldn’t happen.
I’m glad you have your husband to support you.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Nic,
Birthdays are so hard. But you have to be strong for the girls. Without them you’d be distraught. So it’s good you are ‘coping’ well, however hard that is inside. Everything is a reminder of her absence.
I did get out in the garden and did lots but being back in the house has really hit me again. I feel so trapped. I know I’m exhausted. Porscha has me up from 5am heating up chicken for her and it’s so hot because I can’t have my windows open with being a bungalow. Could imagine the creep would think that was an invitation to crawl in. So not sleeping well isn’t helping. Just really fragile emotionally and physically.
It’s my dad’s birthday later this month and just another reminder of how he wants nothing to do with me. I just want mam to come back so I can at least be tolerated within the family. I didn’t know I was so disliked. I’m not a horrible person. I want mam to come back so I feel loved again. I didn’t thank her for loving me as I am. I wish I could tell her she means the world to me.
Keep going Nic. You’re doing so well.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Just wanted to say hello and I know what a heavy load that anticipation is to bear but you will carry it and arrive on the day with whatever you have had planned and it will be upsetting but possibly not as bad as you imagined it to be. Our imaginations can be very cruel. Mine is to me. But you are so strong and will be brave and will cope. It doesn’t make it easier though. Sometimes I read other posts and think I don’t express properly what I’m trying to say. Hope you get the general idea. In floods of tears but just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. My dad’s birthday is in a couple of weeks. He always wanted power tools for the garden or car or diy. Sure I won’t hear from him. I don’t exist.
Must grab some food. I’m starving! Have lots of pics to post later on.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Jane,
I’m really not doing great again even though I did get in the garden and did lots. But for me that feeling hits me and I start disintegrating. I absolutely shatter and react like she’s just gone. I can be sitting on the loo, in the bath, watching tv. Anything. But especially in bed, whether I’m on the laptop or watching a film. I still can’t believe it’s true. Whatever I do is just filling in time. I so want to be just be with her.
I think whatever you can try to find some comfort or answers or enlightenment it’s worth it. I created the shrine for mam and felt like I would sit in quiet contemplation and be with her in that space. But there’s just emptiness. I want her to come back.
Will post my pics later. Need some food. Still haven’t eaten but just don’t feel hungry. Mam had stopped eating because she had pains in her stomach. I have pain and swelling, whether I eat or not. Still waiting for the results. GP is rubbish. Worth trying anything for free! Let us know what it’s like.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
So sorry you are having such a tough time, the creep certainly doesnt help things.
I don’t really know as you said i srood ans cried asking mum why she had left me. I will go again next week on Tuesday when mum is in her own clothes then take it from there, the funeral is Friday so i can go thr other days as well. We are speaking with the celbrant/minister this afternoon he has covid so got to do it over the phone which I’m dreading.
Sensing love to you all xx
