Hi Christine
Thank you for the very kind words as always. I knew this was the most difficult moment for me coming up next week so am taking it in the usual way one day at a time as I cant dwell on the 11th too long without feeling that sadness overwhelming me again.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Michelle,
The vicar did a zoom with everyone to sort out details of the services. It wasnāt rushed and every option explained. The details will be clear and whatever you choose it will be the right thing for you and your mam so take each step as it comes. Iāve found it harder after everything is done and Iām left just wanting her to come back. Thatās why I find it so hard when Iām stuck in the house.
Got lots done yesterday and will post my pics now.
Good luck today. Will be thinking of you.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
I feel swamped in sadness and on the verge of tears always. All you can do is take small steps and know that next week will arrive but donāt dwell on it. Iāve learned through therapy to react as things are happening because of the anticipation.
I put off booking a swim yesterday with my niece but have decided to do it today if sheās free. Creep lurking about so I canāt go in the garden. Donāt know what has happened to his routine.
Took some pics yesterday in the garden. Hope they brighten your day.
Passion flower fruit is huge!
and Iām hoping my fig fruit will ripen for the first time ever and wonāt drop off
Delighted to spot 2 very juicy looking peaches
and lots of wild blackberries for the birds
The old structure over the pond makes a great canopy for climbers
Very disappointed in my strawberries
and raspberries (no fruit at all)
but my green beans are doing well (no fruit but have started to flower)
with Dahlias in the old wheelbarrow doing well after a slow start.
Surprised to see the rhubarb going strong.
The other tree were demolished by these little guys. This is a baby. The real buggars are the massive bright orange ones but they were hiding.
Not getting out to water the garden has killed some roses that were growing
but others have thrived
Still need to collect the dead bare roots that never grew and see if they can be replaced. You can see here the massive cracks in the clay soil
Even my established climber is not doing well after I replaced the arches and cut out some dead bumph. Quite upset because it provided great structure
Delighted with the first lilac flower (always had a vase of them on the table when I was little. Reminds me of mam.
First flower on the tobacco tree (I think thatās what it is).
New roses and lots of buds on established climbers
New ferns are thriving so will get more of them
and grasses doing well
and bamboo
Seems that primulas prefer pots
to being planted in the soil (so many have perished or been eaten).
Sweet peas havenāt grown and Iām quite upset because they remind me of mam. The perfume of them beside the kitchen door captures the essence of summer.
But I am pleased my rhudbekia is flowering
.
Daisies havenāt done well
and my lovely show of nasturtians are podding already.
The garden is so parched that even my established irises have had to be cut back.
Itās so disheartening to see so many of the plug plants demolished by heat or eaten. Will have to rethink my planting next year and see what really thrives. This creeper is fab
and eurkera for deep shade and dry soil.
Still have mud from the pond to dig out to create depth.
Fences and trellis are painted and ready. Just waiting for delivery of the bit (shoe) for the spike. Will be a relief to get that job finished so I have privacy.
My little fluffy guy is getting ready for Autumn. The beautiful lime green is now brown.
But I did enjoy seeing the lime berries on the curry bush.
Lots for the wildlife to eat. It has been a thriving garden over the summer, before the heatwave, with lots of butterflies and bees. Iāll be created a hedgehog house when I move the piles of branches where the fence will go up.
Old plastic and wooden doll houses make great insect boxes. Spiders are thriving
Porscha says hi. Sheās so tiny now sheās like a kitten again. Mam always said she was losing half an inch a year as she got older. And she was tiny.
Hope you have enjoyed the update. I always enjoy taking pics of the garden. It records progress and is a seasonal diary. But it also encourages me to really look at what Iāve achieved, especially since mam. Wish she could see it.
Lots of love xxx
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@christine51 I feel.your pain, yes itās just so hard to except isnāt it donāt know when that will change if it ever will.
Hope all OK with the doc Christine thatās all you need on top of everything else going on bless you.
@MichelleY I deffiantly found it more comforting when I saw my Mam in her own clothes, I sent all her best onesā¦ a really pretty jumper with lace collar she always looked so cute in it 
hope it all goes OK for you
@christine51 just seen your photos, lovely to see. Wow think your self sufficient arnt you. Do you have a large garden ? You have so much out there, well done
@Jim85 hi how are doing? We havnt heard from you for a while
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Hi Jane,
I am a reiki partitioner and although I havenāt had anyone say their loved ones have come through I could see how they could as you are just so blissful after it and relaxed if anyone was there wanting to communicate then that would be a perfect time to x
I find oracle cards help me more xx
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Wow @christine51 you are like our own Kew gardens!
Hereās our pear tree
Going to be another bumper crop!
I thought the cobnut tree I got mum years ago for Motherās Day had died completely but it has tied and who knows now I have been able to hack away some of the plants that had grown around and smothered it
It may not be a bumper crop but itās managed 3 nuts!!
Off for a check up at the docs later. Will be with my new GP after my doc of 24 years retired last month so sort of nervous
Oh and Iāll add to the cat pics - hereās my tripod cat Peggy looking at me yesterday 110% cute!
Beki x
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Hi Christine,
Iām really impressed with your peaches, lovely photos. Glad you able to get out in the garden for a while. Itās a shame some of your roses havenāt taken but the rest look specular.
Porscha looks very cute such an innocent face, I canāt believe she is demanding.
Not so keen on your spider 
house, I really hate spiders.
Did you get to go swimming today with your niece.
Iām sorry you are not feeling so well at the moment, Iām sure the stress of the creep next door and his constant antics are not helping your symptoms.
I see you told Neil itās your dad birthday soon, that is going to be a difficult time for you with the way he is treating you at the moment. I wish we all lived nearer to you, soon sort the creep out with girl power and have him running for the hills.
But you must start getting into the habit of eating regularly, your stomach wonāt know if it coming or going. We donāt want our resident garden expert to get ill.
Look after yourself
Sending love
Debbie X
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You see Beki, now your neighbour cut the jungle back in your garden your now becoming our second garden expert. Nice pears, not so good with the nutsš
Peggy looks very cute
Debbie X
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Hi Michelle, your husband sounds lovely and very caring, Iām glad he has sort help for you with the metal health team.
I didnāt get help in the early months after my husband died, thought I could do it all on my own, but here I am 17 months getting counseling.
We had to meet with the minister over zoom too, as Doug died during lockdown, itās okay doing it that way. They take you through everything.
Iām pleased you are going to see your mum again, it will makes a difference when she is dressed in her own clothes.
You are so early on in your journey just be gentle with yourself and donāt expect to much, one day at a time.
Love Debbie X
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Just thought Iād check in x
@christine51ā¦Iām sorry to read that you are feeling in such despair just now. I canāt imagine how hard no it is not to be able to relax in your own home for fear that a wanker Creep next door is perving on you. I so would love to just turn up at yours and see if he dares have a go when Iām thereā¦as my mum used to say āyouāve got a good Scots tongue in your heid and youāre not afraid to use itā lol x
I was pleased to read that your niece did go swimming with you and will help you with your cameras. Get them going and your fence up then I hope you notice a big difference x as always your garden looks minted 
x
@NEILB72ā¦howās things with you now we are heading to the end of the week? I know you said you had no shows this weekend but have you managed to get out and enjoy yourself? x Iām off for the next two days but in for the next 7 days so better enjoy my days offš x
@MichelleYā¦I hope your call with the vicar went well (as well as anything like that can go) x I couldnāt go and see my mum at the funeral home as I said my goodbyes at the hospital when she passed but one of her oldest friends did and said she looked at peace and like all her troubles had evaporated which I guess they kind of had. I admire anyone who goes and visits their loved ones x sorry to ask as my time frame is all wonky but is the funeral tomorrow or next Friday? Sorry to ask but just so I know what day you will need extra support x
@Bekiā¦never even knew you could grow coconuts in England 
x the pears look braw though x. Is it this weekend you are going to the Commonwealth Games? x
@Jane36ā¦how are you doing? Just so wish I could take your pain away as I remember how much raw pain I felt for months after mum went. I would hear an animal howling in pain and then realised it was me. Darkest days I never thought I would emerge from but I have and even though I still get down days they are less than they were. I gave myself time to grieve and was lucky my people (and I include these lovely people here) supported me and reminded me that my life may have changed but there is a tiny pin prick of hope which I walk towards x Every step forward is a major victory 
x
@Debbie57ā¦hope you are coping ok this week after your amazing looking holiday last week. Do you have any plans for the weekend? x
@nicnicā¦hope the kids arenāt doing your head in too much x youāll be going back to work for a rest. You got any plans for this weekend? Iām back up at the Loch on Saturday which for once is a bit of a bugger as Perth is having itās first Comicon (itāll be lame but hey Ho lol) and then there is a crystal Fayre I would have liked to go to but it all finishes by 4pm and I donāt finish up there til 5.30pm 
then back in the groomers on Sunday as one is still offā¦such is life lol x
@Tina19ā¦how are you doing today my lovely? Hope Zoe isnāt giving you too much grief and if that brother of yours is then he is crushing for a bruising as we used to say. I hope you feel up to posting soon as you have an amazing sense of humour x
@LucyF90ā¦hope youāre doing better these days and that work isnāt too hard on you. You any plans for this weekend?
Sorry if I have missed anyone out as I love how this group keeps evolving and honoured to be part of it.
Thanks @christine51 for bribing us all together 
x
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Hi Neil, I hope Thursday has been a kinder day for you. I know you always feel better after a phone call to Cruse or Samaritans, and I assume your friend phoned you yesterday.
Itās going to be a difficult few days for you with your mumās birthday coming up next week.
Iāve just had a phone call from Cruse on Monday for an assessment, now going on the waiting list. It was a bit draining talking about the events that lead up to Doug dying, but it was good to talk about it.
Is it this weekend or next you have something booked at the theatre.
We are all here for you, take care
Love Debbie X
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Hi Suzanne
Very quiet day for me today. Just a feeling of emptiness really. Sometimes it really is a struggle to get through the day. Bit busier tomorrow as I have the washing and the bedding to do. Will find some ironing to do over the weekend . At least the Premier League is back this weekend with West Ham playing Man City.
Enjoy your days off and speak again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Debbie
Was just saying to Suzanne that some days seem so empty and itās a struggle to get through . Thatās when Cruse and Samaritans help as it is nice to have someone to talk to. I read what you said about Cruse and it is painful to talk about our lost loved ones but afterwards I kind of feel better as it is so good to let all those emotions out and it does clear your head.
No shows for me for just under two weeks although still keeping up to date with my stagey friends and seeing what they are up to.
Speak again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi everyone else,
@Suzanne30, havenāt got much planned for this weekend, still recovering from my hectic holiday, Iāll be honest got a bit lazy this week must give myself a big kick up the b** and get moving. Have fun at the loch on Saturday. Iām curious what is a comicon?
@nicnic, love the stone the grandkids have done, have you had any more days at the beach. School holidays I remember are so wearing trying to find things to do that didnāt cost the earth.
@LucyF90, havenāt seen you post for a while.
@Tina19, I hope you are okay, post when you feel you can. I hope your brother hasnāt been upsetting you again.
@Jane36, Iāve read a few books on grief over the last few months, two Iāve found very good is, āitās ok that youāre not okā by Megan Devine and āGrief Day by Dayā by Jan Warner.
Did I see you have a cat too, I used to, so upset when Toffee died which was just before my husband, couldnāt face getting another one but Iām seriously considering getting another one now.
@Jim85, hope you are okay Jim.
Sending hugs to you all 
Debbie X
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A comic book convention or comic con is an event with a primary focus on comic books and comic book culture, in which comic book fans gather to meet creators, experts, and each other x
A lot of cult films, tv series, dressing up in costumes are also now very much a massive part of it.
Going to the Edinburgh one in Oct which is a much bigger deal and has some great guests but not expecting much from Perth lol x
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Hi Beki,
Just got back from a swim with my niece. Feel so much better for getting out after putting up one fence panel and 3 posts (to secure it on my side as difficult with the bush line) myself and have another in place to push along to fill the gap which the creep could literally just walk through. You cannot imagine the stress I was under to get that done before he got back from work. The woman with the dogs was being very loud in her garden. Very deliberate because of what I was doing. They canāt watch me when its all up. Such a relief. I feel so much safer knowing he wonāt be able to see me. I was drenched in sweat by the time Iād finished but it was worth it. Took pics as I went for evidence if he removes the hedge. There wasnāt much to cut away for me to get the panel up. Canāt quite believe itās started.
This really did bring back the stress of him getting in through the loft and not knowing what heās capable of or his intention. The workmen were next door and nosy neighbours out in the street listening to my very loud conversation with my niece about everything heās done. So itās another reminder to all what heās done and what Iām living next door to on a daily basis. I want to expose and shame him for what heās got away with.
My garden is so dry. I was quite upset going round photographing and finding the empty spaces where so much had been planted. I love your pear tree. That really is a good crop. Youāll have to Google recipes to vary your enjoyment. I like them really cold out the fridge. The 3 nuts are are standing very proud indeed ! Wonder what the markings on the leaf is? Google lists so many things from over watering to under watering, exposure to sun and wind, leaf fungusā¦ Might be worth contacting Gardeners World for some advice. Be a shame to not try to get it back to a healthy state. I love the markings on the stems. I love trees in general. Would have trees over flowers any day.
Peggy is indeed the cutest and those face markings are unusual. Very pretty girl. The legs behind her are amusing. Not sure who theyāre attached to.
Good luck at the new GP. There is an expression where change is as good as a rest. And itās true. Still havenāt got my test results. Have applied to get online access to my medical records rather than faffing about waiting for GP telephone consultations.
Itās just hit me how exhausted I am. Donāt know where I got that energy from today. Sheer determination and fear!
Will post fence pics tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Jane,
After swimming with my niece I feel so much better. Being alone most of the time isnāt great because all I think of is mam when Iām not busy. It was good to have a catch up after 2 weeks. But very shocking to learn that as soon as they find somewhere they will be moving away. So the only person in my family who I have any contact with will not be here. Having her going off to uni and seeing her the odd weekend when she was home was going to be hard. But if they actually move away I will rarely see her. That leaves me totally alone in this world. I imagine dieing and nobody would know I had gone. I donāt know how my world has become this tiny. It really frightens me being this vulnerable.
My garden has kept me going since mam left. I redesigned it for her, to feel close to her because that is how she spent her time. It got me out of bed and became my new project because I couldnāt concentrate on doing anything else. It is quite large but when divided into āroomsā through winding archways it looks bigger again. Takes about 2 hours to water it. When the creep is at home I canāt go out so itās really suffered with the heatwave.
I was just explaining to Beki, I got one fence panel up along the boundary hedge line and was in such a panic incase the creep came back before Iād covered the gap where he could walk through because it is so sparse. He doesnāt give it time to grow before heās attacking it with the power tools. Feel so much safer now he canāt watch me through the hedge. And I was very loud chatting to my niece about how it has brought it all back with him drilling out a hole in the loft and getting into my house through the ceiling. Still canāt believe it. But I always wonder what is he going to do next. Heāll be very annoyed that he canāt sneak up on me now. Iāll be able to stay out when he gets in from work and not have a panic attack and run in the house. Freedom. Didnāt know it would be such a positive impact. Wish Iād done this when he first moved in. Will post pics tomorrow.
Sure the scan results will be fine because the woman doing them said it all looked normal. I still have pain and swelling so something is wrong and Iāll ask for further investigation.
Have you been for another seaside wander? Hope so.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Debbie,
I really do enjoy photographing as I go because it creates another way of seeing. I am very impressed with those peaches. First fruit ever. Think its 2 year old now. Not sure. I am quite upset about the roses and the majority of the plug plants have perished. Such a lots of time and effort went into the potting on and nurturing. Iāll try getting mature plants next time but it can be so expensive. Always feel peaceful when Iām outside if I know the creep is at work.
I got my first fence panel up today and was so stressed incase he came back before it was secure but I did it and got the second one ready. It will block out a lot of natural light but Iād rather that than the way Iāve been living. I felt a sense of safety afterwards, just seeing the one and imagining the rest. Sheer determination and brute force with fear sprinkled on top. I left for swimming before he got back so didnāt see his reaction. Have taken pics too as evidence of the boundary line because I reported that he will remove it all and he is not allowed to. So another thing to tick him off. It will create the effect of a walled garden. Looking forward to the planting up, extending behind the pond and up the garden. But I was so stressed remembering all that he did with the loft wall and getting in my house and still being allowed to live next door. I was very loud talking to my niece about it all so all the nosy neighbours were reminded of why I react the way I do when he comes in from work and hide in the house at the weekend.
I did enjoy chatting with my niece. We had lots to catch up on and there wasnāt much swimming being done. Itās quite surreal being out in the evening because I never go out. Have tomorrow booked too. But I was very upset to learn they are moving of can find somewhere before school starts. There isnāt a back up plan for if they donāt find a place. The uncertainty makes my anxiety worse. The family has fragmented since mam and the only connection I have will be gone. So I will have my therapist and that is it. I keep telling him not to die and leave me alone in the world. I feel so alone. It was going to be hard when my niece goes to uni and comes back weekends but I encouraged her to go and enjoy living away from home to get the full experience. Donāt know if Iāll even get out of bed. There wonāt be much point, especially when Porscha leaves too. Sheās 16 now and wonāt last forever. Iāll miss her screaming for chicken.
It is my dadās birthday soon and he hasnāt called again. Itās obvious he wants nothing to do with me. Heāll die soon too. Itās never been a relaxed relationship but I never imagined heād discard me like he has. I think mam hid who he really is. Heās the same with everyone so its not just me. He doesnāt care what he says. But he hasnāt cut anyone else out like he has me.
I really have no appetite and am so stressed and upset all the time. Treated us to a sandwich, crisps and chocolate after swimming. Only rely enjoy the taste of junk food because Iām not allowed it. Iām very strict with myself day to day. But I do go all day usually without eating. I just feel so uncomfortable. Before I had the cancer treatment I was tiny. Thatās probably why I was given steroids and blew up like a mitchelin man.
Hoping this fence will stop the creeps antics. Will be checking for peep holes! Have taken pics and will post tomorrow.
Have you settled back into a routine? Doesnāt take long and I find it comforting doing household chores (hate cleaning!)
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzanne,
Youāll see from my posts to all that I got my first fence panel up in a layer of sweat to rival any marathon run. Absolute fear that the creep would turn up and just walk through the bare hedge into my garden. Iāll post pics tomorrow. It was a real wrestling match with the trees and brambles overhead. But I did it and have the second overlapping to fill in the gap. Hope he goes to work tomorrow so I can continue. I did feel a real sense of safety and can imagine being able to stay out there when he comes home. Brought it all back to me about the loft and creepy fridge sticker etc. Still doesnāt seem real. I had a huge very loud rant with my niece in the garden on the phone for all to hear to remind them what heās done and that I still have to put up with him living next door and spying through the hedge. Heās very careful to not have witnesses, but then he doesnāt know whoās watching him at the front of the house.
Be great if I can get my cameras up. Niece said sheād help. Going swimming again tomorrow night so its like a reward for getting another panel up. Lovely catching up with her. But theyāre moving away as soon as they can and that leaves me totally alone. Didnāt think my situation could get any worse and then it does. Iām really afraid that Iāll just give up completely. Didnāt know losing mam would mean I would lose my whole family. Sheād be heartbroken if she knew. I hope she canāt see what is happening. Makes it very real as itās my dadās birthday coming up and heās not phoned again so clearly we are done. I canāt force him to see me. I refuse to be a doormat just because Iām heartbroken. Itās my grief that makes him so angry. Wouldnāt you think it shows how much I love mam? He doesnāt give a shit.
You mention the chapel of rest to Mitchelle. I wish I could visit mam there every day so I can see her instead of this vast emptiness. Or have her in this world even if I canāt see or speak to her, just to know sheās here. I still want to be with her. This is so hard to not have her to love and to love me. I miss knowing I am loved. She would be appalled at how dad has treated me, and my sister. Still havenāt heard from my other sister.
Enjoy your lovely lounger on your days off. Itās still so hot here but not the heatwave we had before. So pleased its cooler on an evening. Creep was drilling before he went out at 7 am because he knew I was sleeping in the sitting room. Wonder what new stuff heās got planned. Sure Iāll find out in time.
Chow for now.
Lots of love xxx
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