That just breaks my heart. I’m in floods of tears again. To be so loved is what life is all about. xxx
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Hi Neil,
You’ll see I made a start on my fence panels. Got one up today and hope to get the second one foxed in place tomorrow. Felt a real sense of safety and can imagine when its all done I’ll be able to stay out there whether he’s there or not. Hope so. Depends how brave I feel! Didn’t get his reaction because I went swimming with my niece before he came in. It was lovely catching up with her but I did start getting upset in the pool and in the car afterwards. I just can’t escape this desperate longing to have her back and the emptiness she has left behind. I’m really struggling. And now my sister and kids are moving away asap. Seeing my niece occasionally at weekends was hard enough (with her going to uni) but I won’t see her again if she moves away. I will be totally alone in the world and fear that when I die nobody will even know I’ve gone. I’m so scared.
I’m really glad your chats help get you through the darker days. It’s so intense. I’ve never known pain like it. Thinking of you.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzannne
Thank you for asking, the call was ok, just doesnt seem real and don’t want it to be happening but also want to do mum proud.
Mum looked like she was just asleep, I dont know why but scared to go next week maybe because its getting closer to the time mum won’t be here anymore. I know it’s just mums body but i can still touch her and I’m scared that i soon won’t be able too.
Funeral is next Friday 12th at 12.40.
x
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Hi Michelle,
Please make the most of this time with your mam at the chapel of rest. Your visits will stay with you because it is the last time you will physically be able to see her. I wish I could still visit her there. For me, there’s a vast emptiness now in not having her here in the world.
It will all become very surreal to you. It was very intense at the time of the chapel and services but now there’s nothing to be present for, no involvement. It feels like I’m left behind and can’t contact her. I’m just waiting to join her and I hope the spiritual world is real because if it isn’t I’ll feel tricked. I’m clinging onto the thought of meeting her again.
Attending the church service and crem after was horrific but I couldn’t not go for her. She had said years ago she would understand if I couldn’t go because of how hard it would be for me. My sister physically propped me up. Mam would be amazed I was there. Nothing else mattered. I was doing it for her because it was the last thing I could do for her.
Brings it all back. She’s always with me. I’m always on the verge of crying. It’s like it’s just happened. It hasn’t got any easier as time goes on. What you are doing now is being present and active. There is nothing after that but waiting to join her and missing her like you’ve never experienced before. Don’t think the hole will ever be filled, no matter what I do to fill in time. It’s the hardest thing to face in life. Nobody describes how utterly lost you will be without your mam.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi all,
Here’s an update on getting up the fence from yesterday:
Area cleared in preparation of first panel.
Very sparse hedge as creep cuts back any new growth. He can walk right into my garden. Massive panic incase he came home before it was done.
Original boundary line.
First panel in.
View between hedge and trees my side
and view above fence.
If he ignores the complaint to Council and cuts all growth behind fence he will just peer over the top as he’s over 6 foot.
Fence secured with overlap from second panel ready and secured with dolls house. Had to fill in that gap.
Will lose natural light and essence of woodland but that’s the trade off for some privacy.
This is the gap he bent down to see me when I originally told him not to cut down the boundary line at the house. Will cover any gaps.
Not much cut back to slide fences in
and managed to save the wild blackberries on my side.
Will secure top of fence to pergola to strengthen.
Creep is still at home and I can’t go out there. Have been in bedroom ordering more posts and a food order so sitting quietly. Heard tapping on the sitting room wall. Only stopped when I spoke to Porsch about her chicken.
Been in floods of tears again this morning. Can’t stop. Think I’m exhausted after yesterday. Looking forward to swim later with my niece and have booked next week after therapy. Making the most of her being here while I can.
Lots of love xxx
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Your doing a grand job with the fence. Enjoy your swim today.
Love Debbie X
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Hi Debbie,
It was so stressful and such hard work. Wish I’d ordered smaller width panels. Would have been so much easier. But hope 3 is enough to cover the space.
Looking forward to my swim. It’s such a strange experience for me because I don’t go out in the evening and its getting dark by 9 I think. Quite busy too.
Creep still here so I haven’t been out but had a productive morning inside - food delivery, cleaned fridge out, cleaned floor and cats litter tray. Did a wash and hung it out etc. All the joys of domestic living! Still not dressed. Need to wash the leaves out of my hair from the garden yesterday. Shoved it in a bun for swimming.
Have you anything nice planned? Can’t believe we’ve reached the summer hols and Sept. is just round the corner.
I’ve settled down a bit now. I’m so emotional.
Lots of love xxx
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@Suzanne30 hi, it gives me comfort that you still have your down days but feel like you have turned a corner… I’m lucky I don’t have to look for a job yet.with the support of my husband, and my 2 children are wonderful. Your comic book convention sounds like it will be a wonderful time for you.
@NEILB72 my son is on cloud 9 because football is back on lol I must admit I do enjoy watching his team Liverpool with him, even though I annoy him as I ask him a hundred questions when we’re watching it
@Debbie57 thanks I might look into those books,
Yes I have 2 cats, FIZZ is 22 and waffle is 17 I also have a 4 year old cockerpoo called Harry. I don’t think I could ever be without a fur baby now, they really help to lift your mood I find
@christine51 sad about your neice moving, this is the Tim you need friends/family around you the most isn’t it. Is it not possible for you to find out if any social groups in your area? I’m the same when on my own, with my thoughts just get upset and tearful.
So pleased you have got your fence sorted… looking g good. Try keep positive my lovely I know its very very hard. We just all have to try and have hope, hope one day we can be happy in this new life none of us wanted 
Yes I went last week for a lovely walk on the beach and my daughter came aswell on her day off work, was a beautiful day aswell.
Hope all having a better day 
Big hugs to all
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Hi Jane,
I’m pleased you got back to the beach. It’s true that having friends and family support would make me feel less alone and upset. But all I have is my niece and she’ll be going off to uni. It’s because they’re also moving out if the area that really shocked me. Everyone knows I can’t go out and socialise, finding groups etc to be part of, because of my panic and agoraphobia. I don’t need to be looked after and am very independent. But to get out and swim, go to a garden centre, look at clothes (real panic so can’t stay long as get overwhelmed with all the sensory overload) creates an opportunity to try and not become housebound. I used to be very outgoing, loved to party and shop but stalking shattered my confidence and I have been living with fear since. So when the creep moved in with his persistent attention it was the worst thing that could happen. Well actually, drilling through the loft to get into my house is the worst. But nothing compares to losing mam. I just can’t stop crying for her. I miss her so much.
Feel safer getting one fence panel secured. So exhausted today I’ve had to lie down again. Hope to be revived for a swim later. No appetite so don’t have the energy reserves when I do anything very physical. I’ll recover again and get it finished. He’ll be furious seeing that I’m getting it sorted.
Lots of love xxx
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Very quiet here today…hope that is because we are all doing something that brings us joy and peace.
Love to you all 
x
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Hi Suzanne
Just a quiet day for me . Been watching some sport and that’s it. I don’t think I mentioned yesterday I wasn’t well in the afternoon ,had a lie down and when I got up I nearly passed out and my legs gave way . Gradually felt better as the day went on but I think it is the anxiety and the pressure of Mums birthday coming up. Still trying to take each day at a time as usual but very hard. Feeling down most of the day but a bit better now.
Hope your Saturday has been better than mine.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hello Christine.
I thought I’d drop you a line as I haven’t been on the forum for a bit, but I’ve been thinking of you.
We’ve had some bad about Zoe from the vets and she has to have some X-rays and an Op. Both are unrelated conditions. It’s the only piece of Mum left and both myself and my brother are beside ourselves. If it’s confirmed to be what the Vet has suggested it’s not something they can fix. There’s been other stuff as well and things are still very difficult to cope with. Saying that, I didn’t want to not check in as I had been wondering how you were coping with the grim guy next door. What a state and what a situation to have to deal with.
I’ll see if I can drop another line or two tomorrow or day after. Yes, Zoe is getting upto some right antics had it not been for this bombshell dropping from a fair old height.
I’ll catch you soon, much love. xx
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Hello Neil
Just a quick one to say I’ve been thinking of you as I know it’s a special day tomorrow and wanted to send love. I don’t know where everyone is at, because I haven’t been on the site due some very worrying times Im experiencing with a few things. I did remember though about the 8th, just hang on the best you can. I wish you all the strength possible to get through the day.
xx
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Hi Tina
Very sorry to read about your troubles. Must make it even worse when you are dealing with grief too. Horrible. It’s actually the 11th Mums birthday which is Thursday. With me it’s the build up to these anniversaries and that is the worst thing as it starts some anxiety again.
Again sorry you have some other things to deal with and we’re all here for each other. Life is well and truly crap isn’t it?
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
I find when things are going well, getting out and doing stuff, it’s like riding a wave. When it all collapses trying to get through that emptiness is the hardest thing ever. Getting out swimming an seeing my niece has had a huge impact on my mood but when she moves / goes to uni that will stop and I’ll be alone again. That is the hardest thing for me because all I think about then is mam. The pressure of your mam’s birthday is making your anxiety escalate in anticipation of the day. But when it’s done you will probably feel a huge sense of relief and be able to move forward. Just something to keep in mind. With my dad’s birthday I have such mixed emotion I’ll not know how I react until the day and if I hear from him. Probably not though. I did hear from my sis up north but she didn’t answer my reply texts. To know you aren’t alone in how awful you’re feeling isn’t a comfort but it does help to get you through, knowing we are here when you need us. You are usually so upbeat and positive in coping and when I didn’t see you posting recently I knew how hard it is at the mo. Words really don’t express it.
I’m so full of cold at the mo I feel really ill too. Luckily had some Strepsils left over to ease the throat but it feels like my face is hanging off now. Didn’t stop me going for a cheeky swim on my own yesterday for half an hour and booked in again for lunchtime with my niece. If I can keep it up and not let it slide it will keep my spirits up. Have another booked after therapy next week. I think because you haven’t had your shows to look forward to your routine has slipped a bit and it does have a negative impact in our being able to get through the day.
I managed to clear all the dead branches I’d collected as a barrier to the hedge in prep for the next fence panel. I made an insect house by filling in the bowed fence at the top pond. Will post pics today. I was losing the light when I finished but really pleased with what I achieved. Must water the garden today though. Takes 2 hours so annoying when I want to get other jobs finished.
My niece will help me with the cameras so that will be a huge job ticked off if successful. I already feel so much safer and was out there for hours even though the creep was at home. He didn’t come out or be shouty like recently and his mate with the dogs was also quiet. Just being out there proved I won’t be intimidated.
I must get ready for swimming but wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. My crying has stopped but it’s always a fragile ledge I’m hovering on. Know how you are feeling but it will improve. It’s trying to get through the days that are hard. Keep posting and making your calls. We are all here.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzanne,
You’ll see from my post to Neil I was back in the garden yesterday, feeling a lot safer with one fence panel up. Hope to get another fixed today after swimming with my niece. Must dash to get ready but I’ll post pics of my new insect house at the top pond later today. Ran out of energy and light yesterday. So full of cold.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Tina,
I’m so sorry about the news for Zoe. Will she have medication to help her cope? That is what my friend’s cat is having. It’s always devastating to lose a pet but because she was your mams its even more so. People don’t realise they are like our children. I’m upset now and I haven’t even met her. I wish I could take the news away and for it all to be ok. I remember getting told about the tumour in the chest of my cat Mercedes. He was only a baby. I was so shocked. He didn’t survive when they went in to explore the options. It was that sudden. I’m terrified of Porscha leaving me. Don’t know how I’ll get through the day. Cherish her and pamper her while you are able. You’ll be lost without her. I’m so sorry about the news. But at least they’ve discovered what it is and will now be able to move forward with treatment. It is better that she is cared for and as comfortable as she can be. Just heartbreaking! Please keep popping in so I know you are ok. I’ll post my insect house and fence later today after swimming.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
No you didn’t mention that and how are you feeling now?
I know it’s not the same but you aren’t on your own and you won’t be either on Thursday as we will all be there with you in spirit and if you want to do something special in remembrance then we can join in.
Do you take anything for when you have attacks like this? x I don’t know if you have heard of ‘tapping’ but that is a simple yet effective technique that helps with anxiety and there is an app for it to help.
Please let me/us know if we can do anything and always here for you xx
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Hi Christine:)
Hoping your swim today has lifter your spirits and maybe even helped shift some of that cold you have x these summer colds appear to be quite nasty as have a couple of folk at work with them x
As regards your dad’s birthday…see how you feel on the day. If you want to send a message then do and if you don’t, don’t beat yourself up about it.
Maybe your sister will change her mind again about moving as she’s done it before.
Glad though that your niece can help you with your cameras before she goes to uni…that should help give you some peace of mind x
Very impressed that you are still keeping going with the garden when not feeling well. Just remember and listen to your body and keep hydrated 
x
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Hi Suzanne,
Feeling really rough but enjoyed swimming and sitting in the shade of the patio when I got back. Having the fence panel up has created a feeling of being enclosed and safe. But it hit me that mam will never enjoy sitting in the shade or seeing me grow old. I started crying and had to come in and have a sleep. I miss her so much. It doesn’t matter what I do. Everything reminds me she won’t enjoy any of it ever again. It’s heartbreaking.
I haven’t got the energy to do the fence and it’s going to be so hot this week. Didn’t get my photographs done but I will tomorrow. Having my posts delivered so they can be painted and I’ll have to water the garden. It’s all I can manage.
Lots of love xxx
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