Hi and welcome back Lucy
I dont know what I will do for Mum’s birthday yet. When you say your Mums birthday came round quickly after she passed, I had the same at Xmas as the funeral was only five days before. Mothers Day was the most difficult so far but Birthday and the anniversary of when Mum passed are going to be the most difficult to get through.
Nice to see you back on here
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Morning all
I have alot to catch up on again! It’s been a bit of a hectic weekend and I’ve been in a bit of a funk which hasn’t helped. Went to the beach on Saturday and swam in sea again which was nice. Just feel like I’m almost in some sense of denial? It’ll be 6 months on the 17th of this month that we said goodbye to mum. I still just can’t believe it.
I’m glad you’ve got fence up Christine. Neil I was trying to think of something you could do on your mums birthday. Something she’d want you to do? Maybe book a show? Not so you’re forgetting but so your up and out and doing something as I don’t think she’d want you to be alone and sad? I don’t know. Was just a thought.
I hope everyone else is as ok as can be.
Michelle, thinking of you this week.
Lots of love
Nic xxx
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Hi Neil,
That must of been rough, Christmas is so huge and there’s no escaping it, absolutely dreading it this year. I can imagine Mother’s Day is a really tough one.
Do whatever feels best for you on the day, no pressure to even do anything.
Nice to be back!
Lucy x
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Hi All
Sending everyone love and hugs.
Granddad has gone home after being here the weekend so feeling a bit down and teary (not helped by hormones and more bloody hot weather!)
We had a lovely weekend. Did some gardening and then the big trip to see the athletics at the Commonwealth Games. It was a great evening. Granddad loved it. He’s never been to live athletics before and we saw some real world class stars.
Coming out of the games I got a pang of sadness. This was his Christmas present and Mum was never going to go with us as not her thing, but coming out of an event is much the same if a concert or whatever. Thought of all the events been to with Mum and the realisation that won’t happen again…and I’m crying again. I want to still do things and enjoy things but that thought and feeling was so surreal and lonely.
Its odd we think and worry about doing ‘the thing’ but when you are doing that be it a concert, a theatre trip, shopping, the actual thing isn’t too bad as you are distracted it’s all those down times and voids around it. I’m guessing @NEILB72 you’ve experience something similar
Yes the big dates can’t help but play on your mind. Bloody Christmas is already picking at my brain. It will just be me and Granddad and he usually comes and stays for 12 days (Xmas Eve to Jan 2nd) Mum loved Christmas decorations etc and we always have a fresh tree covered in memory decs. Now I have new furniture it would be awkward to put the tree where it usually goes, can I face a tree…why I am thinking about it now!!!
Mothers Day was the close day for me - Mum died on the Friday, Mothers Day on the Sunday. I had her card bought not written, I ended up writing it and sending it with her to the funeral home. Just typing that out is surreal.
It’s tough.
Beki x
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Hi Beki
How fabulous that must have been to see the athletics at the Commonwealth Games. Must admit the only sports I’ve seen live are football and horse racing.
I totally get what you mean when you said about coming out of events with some sadness and I have certainly found that to be true.
Bad day for me today . Not only a Tuesday but anxiety building up for how I will handle Mum’s birthday on Thursday. Made a call to Cruse and got cut off- not the first time that’s happened. Will try again later. I think hot weather makes it worse when you’re feeling down anyway .
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Yes the weather doesn’t help. I have just had a massive cry - not great when you are fighting to stay hydrated.
I did a mediation for sadness on the grief works app.
I’m so sorry you got cut off on your call - do they know why that happens? Really doesn’t help, hope it didn’t distress you further
Thursday is the anniversary of gran’s death too, first since mum died. Not sure how that will be for me and granddad, am trying not to overthink it.
I’ll put some of my photos from the games up later
Big hugs
Beki x
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Absolutely brilliant pics Beki. Something to treasure . Thank you for posting x
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Hi Debbie,
You posted between my loading all the pics of the fences and I didn’t get back to you because I was so exhausted. It has made an incredible difference to me. I feel safe now, even though I still need to finish securing the mid panel and close up the gap. Will post pics when finished. Feel I now have a secluded spot to sit, even though the creeps mate can view my patio from above. Heard the comments when I got very upset about mam. So I will have to fill in that bit. There’s been no huge reaction, infact none at all. Really chuffed. Still trellised and posts to do but it’s an ongoing thing over the summer.
I thought I had caught an awful summer cold but my therapist tested me today and I have covid. Had to leave early because I couldn’t stop coughing and had to cancel swimming with my niece and get a tester kit from the chemist. She doesn’t have covid so don’t know where I’ve got it from. It is a relief to know I’m not going to end up in hospital with it. It was always a fear because I have such a low immune system after the cancer treatments. I feel absolutely wiped out and haven’t got the strength to get round the garden with the hose. Will have to soak it tomorrow because it really is desperate. It is hard work. I think it would be a lovely sound to drift off to, hearing a garden being watered. Googled London for a hosepipe ban. Could be from the weekend so must soak it before that. You mention your hydrangea. Mine is absolutely scorched and I doubt it will survive. It was mam’s from her old garden. Wish I’d left it in the pot.
Hope you enjoyed your lunch date. Haven’t done that for years. I love a garden centre trip. Always find a bargain. Love the challenge of coaxing half dead plants back to life. Going to be very hot. It will be nice to spend the time with your daughter without the kids, as lovely as they are! I’m sure they’ll be having great fun camping. I love the freedom of being outdoors. Brings lots of childhood memories flooding back. Time really does go so quickly, though we don’t realise it at the time.
I did smile at the thought of you having such a busy life that you’ve huffed your son. Tell him he’ll have to plan ahead and check that you’re free next time! Children always think their parents are free all of the time for them. If mam did anything without telling me I’d be very miffed too.
Haven’t heard of your film but there is a thing on Disney I’d quite like to see, Prey. I’m not usually into mystical things. Reminds me a bit of Apocalypto. Haven’t been to the cinema for years. Think it was ‘Natural Born Killers’. Just stopped going because I was out partying a lot of the time.
Enjoy your Commonwealth games. I’m really not into sport. Watched a bit of the tennis but not like before mam. Lost interest in a lot of what I did.
Think I’ll take it easy with a film tonight. Just so exhausted. Enjoy tomorrow x
Lots of love xxx
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Oh Christine. Sorry to read that have Covid. Thankfully sounds mild and hope it continues to be that way . Sending my love and best wishes to you.
Neil x
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Hi Lucy,
So pleased you enjoyed the garden pics. I have ocd so when the images disappeared and I had to go back in after the edit failed it was very stressful. You’ll see from my post just now to Debbie how much safer I feel now the fences are up, unfinished, but up none the less. The creep has been very quiet in response, and his mate with the dogs. I now have a sense of calm rather than anxiety. I didn’t know when I was doing that yesterday that I had covid! My therapist tested me today. Thought I just had a nasty summer cold. But it is a relief to have got it and still be able to function, though I am exhausted.
The family drama, or basically being ignored like I never existed in the first place, still baffles me. I can’t understand it because I would never treat anyone like that myself. My niece is lovely and I hope the swimming will continue.
Glad to hear you being so upbeat. I was very emotionally fragile not so long ago and seem to be on the mend again until next time. I just have to deal with it as it comes and enjoy the freedom when I am able to focus on getting things done. Getting the fencing up has changed the look of the garden. I’m looking forward to planting up that area as a new space.
Take care hun.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Nic,
Nice to see you. I think having to get on with living life for the kids is carrying you along and getting you through the time. It’s not denial, it’s doing what you have to because you’re a mam. It’s not being disloyal and I think your mam would be so proud of how you’re coping. I thought I’d got through the worst of it and it all came crashing down again and again. Now I’m relived when there’s a bit of respite in between. It hits me from nowhere and everywhere. I was enjoying an icecream in the shade of the patio and started crying with the realisation that mam will never enjoy doing this again, experience another summer, and not see me grow into an old lady. I was devastated all over again. I seem to have nowhere to hide.
But I do have a sense of security with the fence going up. Still need to finish it and add trellis all the way up the garden. Will do it over the summer (can’t believe it’s August). I can imagine being out there even if the creep is at home. I’ll not have to plan my day as to whether he’s out or not. Such a relief to have privacy. But I do have a section to fill in so his mate can’t watch me from her upstairs window. I’ll be able to cry without a running commentary next time.
You’ll also see that I have covid. Avoided it this whole time and now I have it and don’t know where from. Must be swimming. But apart from exhaustion I’m ok.
My only plan for tomorrow is to soak the garden. If I can achieve that I’m winning. So envious of you swimming in the sea! Had to cancel my outdoor pool swim today. Such a shame.
Take care and keep enjoying the summer hols. Kids will be back to school in no time at all.
Lots of love xxx
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Ah @christine51 crap news on the covid front. Hopefully it will be mild. Take care of yourself and keep hydrated, especially with this hot weather coming back
Beki x
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Hi Lucy,
My mam left in November and I couldn’t celebrate xmas at all. But I did get a xmas tree for the garden and added ribbon and tags to celebrate mam. I’ll do that every year now. Feels like I can’t celebrate xmas ever again because she’s not here and it was her biggest joy. Had no xmas food, didn’t buy pressies, couldn’t receive pressies, couldn’t watch xmas tv. Dreading it again this year. Can’t imagine it will ever soften.
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One of my thoughts for Christmas is I loved buying Mum stocking fillers - she loved toiletries and stuff so I am going to take any money I would have spent on her and make u some toiletry boxes for the local domestic violence shelter.
Beki x
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Hi Beki,
I’m so pleased you enjoyed the weekend and your Grandad loved his Christmas pressie. I totally understand that feeling of being able to enjoy a thing in the moment and then being knocked sideways with the realisation of your mam never experiencing things again, or the two of you doing things together. I was sitting enjoying the shade on the patio after putting up the fence panels and it hit me that mam would have loved this and will never feel the sun again, eat icecream, loll about in the shade. I was totally broken. The biggest was that she’ll never see me as an old lady. I don’t know why that bothers me so much. I feel desperately lonely without her here. Whatever I do is always between feeling heartbroken.
I’m dreading xmas. I would start my xmas shopping in Sept, or at least start planning. I’ll get a tree for the garden again and do my memory trees for mam to celebrate her life. But I can’t celebrate xmas without her. I just can’t do it. So it will be a miserable time but I cannot celebrate when she was Christmas. It’s too close to when she left me.
All we can do is appreciate the things we can while we are doing them and hope that the times in between will pass. I can’t imagine this getting any easier.
Hope your settling into a work schedule. It must help to have to be present and productive. I’m hoping that the Autumn will inspire me to start blogging articles again and finish some textiles. Bought some new plastic storage boxes for the projects waiting for me. Just have no motivation at all for anything. Sure it will lift at some point. I miss my work. I feel lost without it.
I think the hardest thing is to face the day alone, which is what I do most days. So being productive in the garden is all I have. Hope I can get something done tomorrow. Feeling better than I was.
Lots of love xxx
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Oh wow! You really were close to the front. I’m not into sport but did enjoy running and gymnastics. Loved the buzz of competition in the sports halls. Seeing the outfits brought it all back. Can’t imagine running in this heat! You really are very kind to your grandad, to go and enjoy it while you are there, despite that feeling of your mam afterwards. Takes guts. You should be proud of yourself. I know your mam would be! And I’m sure your grandad is too. Well done. I really don’t know where we get our strength from but it’s there inside. Hope you enjoy many more days like this. x
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Hi Neil,
Really don’t know where its come from as I hardly go out. Swimming probably. Blamed my niece ! but she’s not got it. Just like a nasty summer cold. Hopefully won’t stop me watering the garden tomorrow as it’s really desperate for it. Feel so much more relaxed now the fences are up. Creep and his mate have been very quiet so all good.
Have you decided yet on what you will do to celebrate? Whatever you do or don’t do it will be the right thing for you and your mam. We put such pressure on ourselves and it’s silly really. If our mams were here they’d be telling us to not be so silly! I can just imagine mam now. I’d give anything to just have a cream scone and a cuppa with her, tell her what I’ve been up to and ask her what it’s like where she is. Don’t want to upset you so I won’t go on as I’m tearful again. What really matters is the lifetime of love you shared together, and your dad, not what you do on the day. But you will celebrate your mam anyway you chose. Always thinking of you.
Lots of love xxx
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Oh Beki, that is such a wonderful idea. Such a good cause. Will start thinking of what I can do because I feel mean not buying xmas pressies but I just can’t participate in xmas at all without her. I would like to help the local church with helping the homeless but don’t know if my panic attacks would let me.
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Hi Christine, at least you know why you are suffering. For most people now covid just mimics a heavy summer cold, doesn’t have the fear it used to when the pandemic first started. I hope you get better soon. I don’t test anymore even if I feel unwell as we still have to go to work if we have it or not, just treated as any other illness now.
I saw all your pictures, could still open the ones that hadn’t loaded properly, it very impressive what you have achieved and will give you peace.
My son text me late last night, he wasn’t in a grump with me after all, he had gone to the two football clubs where he is a groundsman to sort the pitch watering out. He’s now coming Thursday to pick me up, and we are all going to my youngest Granddaughter’s house, it’s her birthday she will be 12yrs. He is separated from daughter’s mum, but they all get on very well and both of them have different partners.
Just come in from watering the garden, wasn’t going to do it tonight, but the pond pump had slowed up and needed cleaning.
Doug and I used to follow football, but I don’t have the heart for it anymore, but I do like athletics, and sports included in commonwealth games and Olympics.
I hope you feel better soon and can get back to swimming soon. My daughter has just text me we are going to Lamport Hall tomorrow.
Sending love
Debbie X