Hi Christine
Yesterday, I think , was probably my best day so far and it felt that my old self was back. Although had a bit of a wobble on the train as I came past Kings College hospital where Dad died and it brought back all those bad memories. Apart from that I did feel pretty good . Even coming home to the empty dark flat didnt seem as bad.
Not sure how today will go though as it is Mum and Dads wedding anniversary. Bought some lovely flowers for them yesterday x
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The theatre is right opposite Victoria Station , Suzanne. Wicked at the Apollo is more or less opposite. Really easy to get to x
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Hi Neil,
Iām so pleased you got flowers to celebrate your mam and dadās anniversary. I wanted to get mam flowers for her birthday in Jan but didnāt want to send them to myself here and didnāt want to send to dad because he would get upset and so didnāt get any. But I did get her a lovely card and it is part of the shrine to her. Iām still planning on getting climbing roses for the patio to celebrate her life and birthday. She will be all around me, especially when I sit out in the summer. I have an offer which expires end of month so I have a time limit to push myself. Canāt believe weāre in March already. Donāt know how Iāve made it this far.
It must be really hard travelling past the hospital with your memories of dad. But Iām sure he will be happy watching over you, knowing you are enjoying your theatre. You are such a loving person to have cared for them both. Remember the best times if you can and box up the bad so they donāt upset you. Next time you go past the hospital have some memories ready to carry you on that journey. You have enormous strength and courage. x
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Hi Christine
When Dad died I found his last Fatherās Day card that I gave him . Ever since then I kept Mumās Motherās Day, birthday , Christmas cards and now will put them up when those days come around.
I wont go back to the crematorium until I get Mums ashes buried with Dad and then I will start laying flowers there again . Got the ashes at home and not quite ready to do it yet. Both mum and Dad loved their flowers.
Funny thing with Dad is I wasnt the slightest bit interested in theatre when he was alive and only started going in 2017. Would love to tell him about my adventures and show him my photos . Mum knew how much theatre means to me and I am determined to keep it going .
Hope your day is going OK and wish you a peaceful and a hopeful weekend x
I think thatās a lovely idea, celebrating special days with your saved cards. Mam kept everything we gave her and I found boxes of cards and things from my sisters children from school. Iāve never been sentimental until now. I wish Iād saved things just so I have her writing and love. I photographed special cards and flowers as a memento but itās not the same as holding it in my hand. Itās as if her love is contained within the page.
I found going back to the crem for the ashes just as horrific as the first time round. It was as if I was reliving the experience of the service. Dad has the ashes to take up North to be placed in her parents grave. I wanted to take some for my little egg for my shrine but didnāt want to open the sealed packet and disturb her. I know itās silly because itās not her. I think when they go Iāll give them my egg so they can do it for me and bring her back. Itās just so upsetting talking about this. It has made me realise just how emotionally fragile I am.
You are very lucky to get on so well with both parents. Mam was my most special person in the world and she didnāt know it. I had another chat with dad when he phoned but he doesnāt listen to me. I still donāt have the energy to go over there but Iām hoping the better weather will encourage me so I can get to the garden centre with him.
Iām sure your dad would be just as pleased as your mam seeing you continue with something you love. Tell him and show him the pics in private. I talk to mam every day, wishing her a good morning and good night. I know she isnāt there but I pretend to myself that she is just because I canāt bear her not to be.
Iām going in the garden now to put up my new fairy lights. I gave the original ones to my sister because Iād bought them just before mamās leaving (for the patio for xmas) and had taken them over to put up her her getting out of hospital. I couldnāt bear taking them back when she didnāt come home. I wonāt ever do xmas again. My memory tree is still looking lovely. Itās amazing what a bucket of water can do. Iām hoping it grows roots so I can keep it forever.
Have a lovely weekend. Iām still trying to mooch about from one task to the next, filling in time. Havenāt put the news on yet because I know it will upset me.
Much love to all xxx
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Hi Christine,
You are one step ahead of me as I still need to open the catalogue lol but the types you have chosen sound amazing as I love bees 
too and I will choose fragrant ones too. I never liked flowers let alone roses really until I was on holiday in Geneva a few years back with my friend who is a trained gardener and we went to the botanical garden in Geneva and came across what they called a first generation rose and I can honestly say I have never smelt anything so divine before or since and it started my obsession with roses 
What did you put on your to do list for the garden? always looking for ideas for mine 
My mumās friend and her used to meet up weekly for lunch and if I was off I would join them and we all went on hols together so itās a relationship that I canāt see not carrying on tbh and her birthday is in a couple of weeks so will see her then so I am lucky to still have her in my life.
Still debating the pup as one minute I think I want one but then I think i want to travel again one day 
Iāll keep you updated when I know more lol
I am sorry your family are still being like that as not sure what their issue is but all I want to say is Iām very pleased that you are having a better day and so proud of you for keeping busy and taking advantage of your good days 
Chat soon xx
Hi Neil,
I know exactly then where the theatres are then. Think Iām staying in Covent Garden somewhere when Iām down but I love riding on the tube lol
How are you doing today with it being their anniversary? Hoping it hasnāt been too hard on you and youāve had some good memories.
Itās been sunny up here again today but so cold but that I grudgingly had to put some heating in again lol.
What and whenās you next show?
Hope you have a good weekend
Chat soon x
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Hi Suzanne.
Another dull day and evening of rain here again.
Iām surprised that I had a decent day once again. Obviously memories of Mum and Dad in my mind but focusing on the good stuff and it seems to work and keeps me thinking positive . Thank you for asking about the anniversary.
Next show for me is a play at the National Theatre called Small Island . Itās about the Windrush era . I missed it the last time it was in London and it had fantastic reviews. Another cheap great value ticket.
Hope you have a good evening
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
Blank and numb is how I feel a lot of the time and thatās often on good days so donāt be so hard on yourself for feeling like this.
The counsellor does seem to understand me which is a feat in itself and I have been truly lucky I think getting her.
Like Christine asked when youāre tidying give yourself a goal of what you want to achieve that morning/afternoon and stop when youāre done. If after a wee break you want to continue then do a little more but if youāre emotionally/physically and exhausted then give yourself permission to stop. You expect too much from yourself imo and need to be nicer to yourself when you feel low.
What hobbies do you have/did you have before?
What nice thing have you done for yourself today? I went out for a walk in the sun with my friend. For me it was a big step because I actually took a few photos which I havenāt done since mum passed.
Let us all celebrate our baby steps on good days and weāre all here for us on bad ones too
Love to you all X
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Hi Suzanne,
Iām so pleased you love roses too. So many donāt have any scent and are designed now so that bees canāt get to the pollen. Open roses are āold fashionedā but that is what Iāll be getting in a combo of colours to remind me of my parents old garden which was full of different types.
I did feel better for getting out again and doing jobs - putting the fairy lights up (looks fab), feeding the birds, sorting tools and tidying the shed, sorting collected seeds, preparing hanging baskets with liners, cutting overhanging tree branches, topping up the big pond. Makes me realise how much I did when its written down. Iām closer now to trying to get compost with dad. It was an impossible task before.
Feeling very flat today and woke up wondering just how frightened and in pain mam must have been and I donāt know for how long. She didnāt talk to me about it and I wasnāt doing hospital runs because of covid. She had to go herself in an ambulance. It still feels very unreal and its like she is drifting away because the grief isnāt as intense as it was and I feel like Iām losing her. When I was tidying the garden I was aware that mam will never do this again. She loved her old garden and spent most of her time in it. Dad said he wished they had never moved to where they are now because its a communal garden and he has to share the space. I wish they had never moved. I know mam said she didnāt want to when we were packing up and I told her she could stop but they were both determined to do it. I was outnumbered again in the decision making and my opinion didnāt count. I know it was better because of the care on hand and mam needed more care but they could have continued at home with carers coming in. The move was so stressful for them.
Itās wonderful that you have such a good relationship with your mams friend. She will miss her so much and its heartbreaking that she wonāt have her pal to go on hols with now. Your friendship will be more precious now because your mam is absent from it. You could make a fuss of her like you would your mam for her birthday.
As to the puppy, they are very hard work and costly in time and expensive with training courses, vet bills and grooming. If you work and it is on its own during the day it will get up to all sorts of mischief (more work cleaning up). Iām just very practical and honest about these things. I never wanted children and dogs seem to be baby substitutes for a lot of people. Does that sound harsh? Sorry, Iām feeling very disconnected today.
I havenāt replied yet to my sisters text. I explained about my agoraphobia being the reason its so hard for me to go to see dad and I never heard from her after that. Iāve sent texts to my other sister too and she has ignored me so I donāt know what is going on or why. I was very upset before trying to work it out and now Iāve given up. Iām sure Iāll text when I feel a bit more upbeat.
The creep is home (I always check to see if his van is there when I open my curtains) so I wonāt be able to go in the garden or open y blinds to look at the garden. It really is like being a prisoner in my own home.
Take care and have a good weekend x
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Hi Christine,
How are you doing just now? Hope the day has allowed you to have a decent day. Donāt know what your weather is like just now but weāve had a pretty decent day up here.
I was lucky to be able to have a wander round out local gardens today and although a lot of the flowers werenāt out yet got to have a wander round the Pinetum ( didnāt even know this was an actual word lol) and I didnāt realise there were so many different kinds of pine trees but was so peaceful and calming.
I too like the fragranced, more open roses. I was lucky enough last year to be able to visit Alnwick Gardens on a day out and it was fantastic. They have a huge rose garden of so many different varieties from potted ones, climbing ones, miniatures etc but also have a garden dedicated to poisonous plants which I found very interesting.
Iām still only thinking about a puppy as you are so correct in that buying the puppy is only the start of the financial outlay but also I want to go on holiday and travel again at some point and need to consider who would look after him etc. so still lots to think about.
I hope you get to the garden centre with your dad before too long and you may find that when your sister considers you ānormalā then sheāll maybe come round. Nothing queerer than folk as my granny would say
Iāll be seeing my mums friend in a couple of weeks and have decided to buy her a rose in a box in her favourite colour that lasts a year. She had a lovely garden but had to move to a flat and I know she misses her garden so think she will appreciate itā¦plus chocolate of course lol x
Anyway I seem to have been talking all about me so apologies.
I hope you are doing ok and look forward to hearing from you x
Love to Tina and Neil too and keep in touch x
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Hi Tina,
Just wondering how youāre doing as noticed youāve been quite quiet.
Hope you are doing ok.
Best wishes to Christine and Neil too
Suzanne x
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Hi Suzanne
As I said the other day this has been the best week that Iāve had since Mum passed, although I must admit the weekend has dragged and the loneliness has got to me a bit. Still been pleased with my progress though as Iāve had no anxiety attacks .
Hope your weekend has been as good as can be
Best wishes
Neil
Hi to Christine and Tina and hope you have both had a decent weekend xxx
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Hi Neil,
That is lovely to hear and I get the weekend dragging totally as sometimes my days off feel like that but the fact youāve had no anxiety attacks and feel even a bit more positive is a massive step forward so very proud of you 
Yeah Iāve had a decent couple of days too so will take it as it comesā¦a bit like yourself.
Hope you have more of the better days and will check in with you mid week x
Take care,
Suzanne x
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Hello to Christine, Neil & Suzanne.
Itās good to read youāve all been having positive times. Much deserved. I havenāt been up to posting but didnāt want to spoil anyoneās hard earned progress with my negativity. Panicking as well because I have to go to my home that I shared with my Husband as neighbours have rung me and said thereās been storm damage. (Iāve been at my childhood home 25miles away since I lost my Husband in 2016). I always meant to move back sooner but I struggled with my husbandās loss so couldnāt then Mum got ill. It was always difficult if Iāve had to go back previously but this time not only will there be memories of my Husband but memories of Mum also there and to be honest I feel debilitated with nerves over the situation. Keep sub-conciously waiting to tell Mum about it but canāt. Itās too hard being an adult āorphanā, love to all. xx
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Hi Tina,
Iāve been thinking of you, knowing how difficult it is when you arenāt feeling able to post. Sometimes it just gets too hard and you describe it perfectly as being an āadult orphanā. That feeling of wanting to tell mam about stuff doesnāt go away. It sits and waits with you and then catches up and you realise she really isnāt there. I know Iāve been doing stuff (jobs in the house and garden) but Iām so disengaged with what Iām doing it doesnāt seem real, like Iām a substitute of myself and the essence of who I was left with mam. I still havenāt bought her roses for the garden and feel guilty that I musnāt love her enough or I would have done it already. I canāt seem to just make the decision but need to visit Dad to get compost and it just seems an immense task. I also have to book my car in for itās MOT so will have to force myself to do that also. Itās easier to just hide away from the world.
You must have good neighbours to have contacted you about your home. I can see how you didnāt return when your mam got ill and you stayed with her. Will your brother go with you? If you look at it on a practical level you might be able to tackle it. Or could he go in your place? It might not be as bad as you imagine. I know things can seem worse than they are. What would your mam and husband say? People donāt realise how difficult these things are until happens to them. You will have so many memories you havenāt visited for a long time. I wish I could be there with you. It makes all the difference to me having someone who is there to share the burden of whatever it is. We are all here for you and thinking of you. Let us know what is happening. Your journey is about the same as mine to visit Dad (20 miles) and about 40 minutes away. I find breaking things down into segments of time helps me tackle difficult things. And through therapy I imagine doing it, visualising it in ,y head, like a black and white film. It helps me with anxiety. If I run through it enough it dilutes the fear because I react every time. So when I do it for real itās not as extreme a reaction.
You could also look at this as a positive step towards reconnecting with your life and home you shared with your husband. Thereāll be so many precious things to look at and often our reaction isnāt what we imagined it would be. You could be comforted by returning. Whatever damage has been done can be fixed. It might be good for you to have that space to sit and just be you. I cannot even imagine the burden you carry, losing both your husband and mam. I still cannot comprehend why mam isnāt here with me. She didnāt deserve to die. And then I try to balance that out with her having a full and happy life. I canāt wait to join her and wonder if the pains in my stomach are stress related or that I have cancer like she did. If I do Iām pleased because Iāll be joining her without having to wait years like I thought.
Let us know what is happening so we can be with you on your journey when you go. You could bring back something precious so you have a reward. Have a think of what that could be to motivate you. Something pretty. like a vase or picture or clothes. A little something just for you to make you smile. Sending you love xxx
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Hi Tina
We are always here for you on your good days and bad days. I had a good week but not so good yesterday and had to call Cruse but that was expected really.
Even if we post positive stuff never be afraid to come on here if you are not having a good day and let it all out as this is what we are doing- supporting each other.
Sending you my best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Tina,
It is nice to always hear from you and donāt feel you are being negative.
Personally today I feel like crap with the flu and normally I wouldnāt even think about it but feeling like 
has again just reminded me that mumās not here to make me feel better.,.even as an adult.
I canāt imagine how hard it must be for you to basically have so many memories in two homes.
I hope the damage isnāt too bad and that it can be fixed easily x
Tak care of yourself and always here for you xx
Thank you Neil.
I didnāt think to call Cruse. Can you just phone them as you would Samaritanās or do you have to be a āclientā on their books?
Hope you are OK tomorrow as I recall midweek is a difficult time.
All the best x
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