@christine51 pleased your feeling bit brighter today, honestly that guy, he’s so sad he should get his own life not take joy in ruining yours the idiot.
Wow 34 that’s blumming hot, 23 here feels hotter sat in my garden though. Are you London, I’ve forgot…
Rain here next week at Cleethorpes, still in the 20s though it says
Take care
Hello Christine.
Just been catching up and I can see you are feeling a bit more yourself, so that’s good.
Decided to have a walk to the Supermarket this morning. Got back just before 8am. It’s only 20mins walk each way. Absolutely no way was I going to go this afternoon, it’s like torture outside. It’s 37degrees right now. Zoe’s sat still with her “duffle coat” on. Try to keep her in a dark and cool spot, especially with her bit well but she’s not been out since Sunday so she’s getting fed up and agitated. How is Porcha coping.
Have you nearly finished the structural work now? I’m like you at the minute, just losing one plant after another. Don’t know how the garden centres go on. I know they can water the plants but they can’t turn the sun and heat off. Don’t know how many days left to go with this heat yet.
Do you never fancy a visit to the supermarket out of normal hours, say after 9pm and before 8am?.
There’s never anyone shopping usually at that time, might be a bit of a change.
Well I’ll do some tidying for a bit and catch you later
Much love xxx
Hi Neil
Hope you are managing ok in the heat, and everyone else.
xx
Hi Jane,
Yes, London. We have rain and thunderstorms next week so pleased I got round with the hose. There are areas that are so scorched in the garden there’s no hope for the frazzled plants. I spent a fortune getting all manner of cottage garden type plug plants and there’s barely anything left. So sad. Even some of the roses didn’t make it.
Yes, the creep must be thriving knowing what I’m doing in the house because he can hear me. It’s the oddest thing with having such an intrusive neighbour. You never tune into background noise usually but I am attuned to everything when he’s there. I’m so hyper vigilant because of what he did. I can’t not let my guard down.
Wish I had a nice sea breeze. I put my quilt in the loft because it’s just in the way. Even a sheet is too too hot. I know we always long for hot summers but this is unbearable. It’s exhausting.
xxx
Hi Tina,
Don’t have the energy to have a look at the thermometre just outside the kitchen door but I am barely surviving this heat. It’s just relentless. I’m stuck in the bedroom because the creep is back but I did get round the garden with the hose. I soaked it but its so baked I doubt it makes much difference. It’s so sad seeing all the dead plants and bare patches where the slugs have munched everything in sight. I won’t buy plug plants in future and will have to seriously rethink my planting for the summers. I can’t imagine how the garden centres will survive with hosepipe bans. Wonder if they will be exempt. Really pushed myself to get out there incase the ban is soon.
You are an early bird with the market. I would if I had someone to go with. Did you get anything nice? There is one just at the high street. 5 mins up the road and with easy parking. I suppose I’m so not used to going out apart from therapy and swimming that I just don’t even think about it now. I loved shopping before and stopping off for a cuppa or a cheeky half while I was busy. I’m just too scared now to go out alone. My friend suggested doing the supermarket at night but I’d be wondering if I’d get followed. The creep has eyes and ears on everything I do. I stopped going in the local shop because he kept popping up before I knew what he was doing. It happens a lot actually.
Poor Zoe. Have you tried spritzing her with cool water? Porscha doesn’t seem to mind the heat. She has the two pond with running water and big bowl to drink from. She was on the cool soil and then the dolls house until I disturbed her with the hose. The garden is very shaded in part with the big trees but the sections open to the sun are scorching hot.
I’m in the bedroom and sure the creep is still lurking out there. Don’t want to give him the satisfaction of me looking out the window to see if he’s there. He’d love that, imagining me spying on him!
I’m feeling quite a bit better now. Been surviving on strepsils for my throat and my cough has nearly gone. Still couldn’t stand for long with the hose but that could be the heat.
Couldn’t face getting the drill out to finish fixings on the fence. Will do it when I know the buggar is back at work. Don’t want to get stuck in the brambles with him lurking on the other side of the fence. Pleased so far but have 6 trellises to top the fences with lots of fixings and the posts yet to do to strengthen the fences already there. Such a lot of work but I still have time to get it done.
Going for another lolly.
Lots of love xxx
Please do lol x I’ll pop the kettle on Tina 
x
Hi Michelle,
Very saddened to hear it was the funeral yesterday as can only imagine how hard that was for you as I remember that day vividly 
x however I was pleased to read it went smoothly and I bet you did her proud 
x
Next few days/weeks may pass like a dream as I know mine did so do want you feel you can, don’t put any extra pressure on yourself to conform to the notion that ‘now the funerals over you can move on’ 
x. Take as much time as you need to clear your head and be kind to yourself.
Blessings to you and your family xx
An overheated shrivelled grump…:does that sound like coping? x
I had to phone HO at my work yesterday during the height of the heat and it was something I said but my colleague took the phone out of my hand and all I heard him say was ‘apologies for my passive aggressive colleague…’ x
They were both laughing too which I suppose I should be grateful for but yeah I don’t do heat lol x
How are you doing Neil? x how are you coping with all this? Apparently another couple of hot days and we have now thunderstorm warnings in place for Sun/Mon.,yeah we will see lol x
Keep hydrated x
Hi Suzanne
To be honest I don’t like the hot weather at all and this excessive heat is unbearable. I was wondering how Mum would cope and it would have been difficult caring for her in these conditions. I remember last year we had some extra hot days and she was fine yet November was when she became unwell .
Really hoping it gets cooler next week . Got a theatre trip for the first time in a few weeks and luckily not on the days of the train strikes !
Football tomorrow and hoping we play better than last week. Can’t remember the last time we played on a Saturday, the traditional football day.
Wishing you a pleasant , if not bloody hot, evening
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
@MichelleY sending extra gentle hugs. It sounds like you had just the right funeral for your mum and you.
It can feel exhausting afterwards, so cntinue to take it day by day and look after yourself. Do only what you can, stay hydrated and all those usual self care things.
Thoughts will no doubt come and go, at times seemingly totally bonkers - don’t worry, that’s normal and we are always here to listen to you, sit with you and share our stories if that helps.
Beki x
Had a genuinely really nice yesterday. Went to a friends house and 5 of us from the village craft club met up there. I will not give you the long, and often fraught, history of the many displays we have done with pompoms over the last few years!! Most of us never want to see another pompom as long as we live!!
But yesterday we laid out a hosepipe in the shape of a giant poppy and emptied all the red pompoms we have from previous displays into it to figure out how many more we would need to do this years remembrance display (the answer is 320!)
Thankfully the rest of the afternoon we spent in the gazebo eating sarnies and chatting! Was there 5 hours in all and was a lovely change and company.
Being in the fresh air has made me even more tired though.
One of the group started entering competitions in lockdown and has won some great prizes. Mum and I were avid ‘compers’ in the early 2000s and had amazing wins. The competition scene has changed a lot, in the old days it was getting competition forms from supermarkets etc. Now its all online and a lot on social media but I was inspired and came back and have been entering so fingers crossed. It’s nice to get a surprise package even if its something small. I’ll keep you posted if I get lucky!
Hope everyone is keeping cool - will be happy when this heat finally breaks!
Beki x
Hi Beki,
Sounds like it was just what you needed - a light hearted catch up with some old pals and some fresh air. I’d love to be part of a craft club but as I can’t get out without a panic it would be really hard to do. Mam taught me how to make pompoms before I started school. It was my favourite thing. I still use them in my work for fringing. Will be a very effective poppy, I’m sure. It must be quite a close knit community living in a village if you all get on well.
I’ve never done a competition and the only lottery ticket I did was with work and I won £96. Never did it again! I’ve always been lucky in cards (unlucky in love as the saying goes). Fingers crossed you win something. My dad always went on about winning the lottery and he never ever bought a ticket.
Looking forward to thunderstorms tomorrow. It’s like a bloody furnace in the bedroom. I got lots done today though - painting the saved shed pieces, a bamboo roll and the decking used to cover the hole in the fence, soaked the garden, dug up and photographed dead roses (will contact J Parkers for replacements tomorrow), soaked and garroted compost bins, created a framework for climbers at the top of the garden, cut, washed and hung out to dry the Amazon cooler bags I’d been saving for my work, got one box of fabrics into the loft, bought a new charger for my phone and luckily it fits (in a panic because I don’t know any of my phone numbers), photographed a loaf of bread just flung on the grass to attract rats (will contact council tomorrow - annoyed because I have no birds in the garden because I stopped feeding them in an attempt to not attract rats), flea sprayed the house, cleaned the kitchen floor and Porscha’s litter tray. Oh the joys of running a house and garden. Feels like I haven’t got anything done today because it wasn’t finishing my fence. Creep had gone out but I didn’t know for how long so couldn’t settle. Hope to get more posts in tomorrow.
I’m so unbelievably hot. My feet are itching with the heat.
Will have a covid test tomorrow to see if I’m ok for therapy. Hope so. Really missing my swimming. Be nice to get out the house.
Will post pics tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
Hi All
I dont know what to do, i know you have all said thr days after mums funeral will be hard but i cant cope.
I’m missing mum so much i just want to be with her i actually dreamt about ways to end it all. My husband has a scan on his thyroid today as they think he has cancer in the half a thryoid he has left. Our diabetic toy poodle somehow hit his eye while we were at the funeral and now hes totally blind and thr vet think hes also geievung I feel like my world is collapsing and i don’t know how to do it or want to do it anymore. Sorry but i dont know where else to talk. xx
Hi Michelle,
It seems like everything falls apart after we lose our mums and everything that happens big and small is so much worse but you’ve got through the worst and you’re still here. Just take and deal with one thing at a time. Your husband needs you to be around for him. One thing at a time. This feeling will become less intense. Keep going one small step at a time. Your mum wouldn’t want you to give up would she? One small step…
Let us know how your husband gets on?
Lots of love
Nic xxx
Hi Michelle
That dark pit feeling is terrifying and feels all consuming when you are in but you can and will survive it
Imagine you mum made a beautiful piece of art. After her leaving it may feel painful to see it but would you destroy it so it could never be seen again? No, you might put it away for a while but you would want t to still exist. Well you are the piece of art your mum created, loved and was proud of.
So you aren’t going to be on show for a while and that’s fine! You don’t have to do anything right now accept exist, as painful as it feels it does lessen. There will be respites but in this first chapter you just need to do the basics - rest, stay hydrated and get some nourishment when you can.
Your “wins” in these days May seem almost childlike - I brushed my teeth today, I ate an apple, I got out of bed. But be proud of each one, it really is an accomplishment
Do give Samaritans a call when it feels particularly bleak or come here and let it out. We have all been there and still take short but less frequent trips back, we understand and hate we can’t take the pain away from you.
Sending gentle hugs.
Beki x
Beki c
Hi Michelle
Firstly fingers crossed for your husband and hope the scan doesn’t show anything as bad as what you say.
Those early days when things settle down somewhat after the funeral I found the worst. I was in a really bad way in the New Year and those dreadful thoughts did go round in my head as well . Anxiety triggered it and thankfully I got it under control. Still get very bad days, last week for example, but they do get fewer and fewer with time. The worst bit is it hits you without warning when you are not prepared.
I had someone say to me last week ’ you should be looking forward now and getting over it’. They have not been in this awful situation so have no idea and it upset me a bit the way they said it. We move forward at our own pace and one day at a time and that is all we can do. Cruse and Samaritans help me but everyone is different.
Sending my love and best wishes
Neil x
Getting over it… people are stupid! It’s not something we’ll ever get over! Ever! But we will be able to live with it in time. What an insensitive person that was Neil.
Nic xxx
Hi Michelle,
Like Nic, Beki and Neil have said take each bit as it comes. Life can be incredibly cruel. To have to cope with your husband’s situation and your baby at this time must feel like a test of how much you can withstand. We think we cannot possibly get through it, but we do. I still want to be with mam. I keep waiting for my Porscha to die as the right time that I can be with her because I can’t leave P behind. I’ve also thought of all the ways I could do it, But I’m still here, eight months on . It’s a real battle with myself to get up each day and carry on. Everything you do is an achievement so recognise that in the small scheme of things. I’ve just woke up again because I couldn’t face the day when I gave Porsch her breakfast. It seems mam is my only reason to be now that she’s gone. I’m no longer who I was, independent in my life. It’s now all about mam, who she is, what I wished I’d done differently, what I would do if I could see her again, what I would say to her. The desperation is all consuming. But I distractions from that. It’s still so early on but you will carve out some kind of routine. I find household chores comforting. They take up time and get me through the day. Gardening helps but I cry for mam when I’m sitting. Being busy focuses my attention for a short while. Stopping brings me straight back to mam and missing her like I’ve never missed anyone before. The pain is a physical thing for me. I have pains in my stomach. She had pain. She had gall bladder cancer and it had spread and she didn’t know. I would do anything to take her place, give her the life I have left. Anything but this longing to not be with her.
Keep posting here. It has got me through and I really don’t know what I would have done without the love, friendship and encouragement of our group. When I write about my achievements in the garden it must look trivial and like I’m ‘on the mend’, ‘getting over it’, have ‘moved on’. It’s not that at all. It’s pockets of time where I’m functioning on some level in between wanting to join her, focusing on tasks because I don’t know what else to do. To have hospital trips with your husband is necessary right now and that is what you must do. I hope he’s going to be ok and it’s not the worst prognosis. But whatever treatments he has ahead of him you will be there to support him as he would be you. And your little poodle (what is his name?) will need all the love and reassurance you have in you because he doesn’t understand what is happening. He must be very frightened and will look to you to guide him. You will cope Michelle because we are designed to carry on. I really don’t understand it. The pain is beyond what I could ever imagine. Mam was my world and there is nothing left. I keep wishing I’d crawled into her casket at the chapel of rest but mam was so tiny I wouldn’t have fitted in. I wish I could visit her there forever. It would be something instead of this massive nothing. Let us know how your hubbie is. It will be totally overwhelming but to keep popping in I have found helps. All you can do is keep going. Try calling the Samaritans. It’s really helped Neil. And get some sleeping pills from the GP. That helped me because I couldn’t sleep at all. It will give some respite to the reality you are faced with every time you open your eyes. I still get a shock that it’s real, even after all this time. That feeling that it’s too awful to be real never leaves me. We all understand how horrendous this is for you. We’re all living it every day too. You don’t need to do this on your own. We’re all thinking of you with love xxx
Hi Nic
People just do not have a clue do they unless they are faced with what we are going through. For me it’s so much easier to talk to you lovely people on here , a counsellor or a stranger over the phone from Samaritans as you are not judged or pressured and can let your feelings and emotions out. Close friends and family , apart from one or two, I can’t do that as they dont understand or simply dont want to understand. Thankfully I disowned a lot of my family years ago after the way they treated Dad and I’ll never forgive them for it.
Hope its cooling down where you are. Gradually is here although not by much.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x