Tina,
How did it go with the lovely Zoe today? Hope all is well x
I enjoyed making my mobiles for the garden, inspired by your bejewelled creations x
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Christine
Oh they are lovely decorations. A bit Hawaiian style. I wish I kept all mine. I chucked them out last week. Thatās the difference in someone with an artistic eye, they see things with potential. My brain power is just deterioating for some reason right now. So sorry about your eels. Thatās really sad for the remaining eel too.
I love your garden pictures. I have a lacecap hydrangea like yours. Iām banned from buying another plant though under my brotherās orders so Iāll have to appreciated what Iāve got.
Itās just a flying visit at the moment as last few days has taken things out of me so Iāll pop back and catch up shortly.
Also, Iāll send a picture of my absolutely beautiful garden. Itās out of this world. Stunning. Iām sure you can detect a hunt of sarcasm in my tone, but Iāll share it nonetheless later.
Iāll be back as Arnie would say.
Hi Neil
Iāve just noticed somewhere you talking about UC and It crossed my mind today that Iād wondered how youād been getting on with things in that department. Iām not claiming anything Iām using my savings, which are rapidly diminishing because Iām not well off but I donāt think Iām upto dealing with them, some of whom can be quite brutal.
I think you have the right idea not wanting to go to the theatre when thereās lots of children in. Thatās why Iāve never been interested in Panto. I probably sound a right grumpy old so and so. Iām just not child oriented!
Glad youāve had some nice distractions at the theatre recently. Everyone needs a pick me up donāt they.
Love and best wishes to you both
And to everyone else
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Morning all
Just checking in hope you sre all doing well.
Christine love the garden decorations, once i can pull myself together i would live to do something like this.
You are quite right with Js thyroid he had one half out and didnt need any medicarion but if they take this part out he will need something. Unfortunately due to these train strikes the professor has cancelled his clinic but because his PA knows Iām stressing shes trying to arrange a telephone call. In my opinion even if it isnāt cancerous with it being golf ball size it must be uncomfortable so i think J should have it removed anyway but we will be guided by the professor. Teddy still canāt see just hoping the specialist tomorrow will be able to do something.
One thing i donāt understand about everything is how lonely i feel, even when Iām with people i feel lonely and so jiterry. I just want all this to stop. xx
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Hi Michelle
Totally get the loneliness and also feel that the world just Carrieās on why we have to suffer this.
Was boosted by my team winning last night 3-1 after a difficult start to the season
Hope your Friday is as good as it can be
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
Meant to reply about your theatre visit sooner but had a pretty shitty day yesterday but feeling a lot more positive today x
So glad you had a great time at your show and what a fantastic castā¦.certainly one to keep you laughing and loved the photos as really makes me feel I want to go to the theatre again.
Didnāt know they played football on a Thursday lol but a win for them is a win for you 
x
What are you up to today/this weekend? I have the car MOT today so until thatās done Iāll be in the house but going to chill and readā¦and possibly nap lol x then up at the Loch tomorrow afternoon x
How are you feeling? x I find the lonely feeling to be quite an odd sensation as sometimes I feel quite lonely like Michelle was saying yet the thought of someone coming into my personal space/house is a bit overwhelmingā¦so never pleased 
x
Anyway thinking of you as always. Take care and catch up soon 
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Hi Michelle,
Sorry to hear that the appt was postponed but kudos to the assistant for acknowledging your angst and trying to at least get a phone appt for you both x hereās hoping you get some good news soon x
Also itās amazing what vets can do nowadays so will keep fingers crossed that Teddy will be able to see something again soon x
Wishing you a better day and here if you want to talk xx
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Hi Christine,
Sorry to hear about your wee eel. Seemed to be a good sizeā¦any idea what happened?
Maybe Iāve missed it but why is your niece deferring her uni? Shame she is disappointed in her exam results but they always put so much pressure in themselvesā¦my niece Eilidh was the same to point she was having anxiety attacks x
My buddleia is sprouting like mental now we have had rain but also so are the weeds but canāt get out cause of the rainā¦vicious cycle lol x
Any plans to go swimming again soon? x. Waiting on the garage to phone about my MOT but came to conclusion itāll be what itāll be so Iām not going to worry about it.
Back up at the Loch volunteering tomorrow afternoon as it was so busy last week because the osprey chicks look like they will be leaving soon so everyone is trying to see them before they leave. I was lucky enough to see Egyptian Geese last week which I have never seen before and they are quite unusual in this area.
Hope youāre doing ok today and Creep has pissed off and let you and Porscha to have a good day 
x
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Hi Tina,
How is Zoe after her op? Sheāll be feeling very sorry for herself indeed and will need lots of love and treats in her recovery.
Love that you love the plastic creations. They are inspired by your sparkles. I was saving the bags for ages thinking I would use them in my textiles as I use various plastics along with fabric (its all about recycling). I washed them all in the bath and was drying them before the downpour. Then was hit with the idea for the garden. Sometimes things have a plan but then it naturally veers in another direction. They are quite Hawaiian. I have more to do, playing around with block colour. Will keep creating them over time. When I look out now itās like thereās a slither of sky in the plants.
I love a good clear out and do collect all manner of fabrics, plastic, embellishments etc for my work. If I see something in a charity shop or car bootie and donāt get it it haunts me for years later. So I have a lot of stuff. Being ruthless is therapeutic but Iāll never become a minimalist. There is comfort in having things around you which are pretty even if they arenāt functional.
I feel so sorry for Elsie, my huge goldfish. I was sitting with her last night watching tv. She was just watching me. She would sit with the eel, wrapping her fins around him, like they were a couple. I knew he wasnāt well because he couldnāt swim like he did before he ate all the shrimps and snails I had got as extra pets. It made me think of mam when I found him and I was so sad that I hadnāt been there for him when he actually left this world. Hope heās with mam now.
Tina it makes me furious that you are banned from buying plants because your brother says so. Who does he think he is? Heās such a bully. Is he going to tell you what to eat and when to go to bed? He has no authority over you. You get joy from your plants and itās none of his business. He should be grateful that you are caring for the garden. Whatever brings you joy should be encouraged. He has no care or love towards you. Itās because you are so vulnerable that heās pushing it. Wish we could all come round and be with you so he knows he canāt get away with it.
I think posting pics of my garden here encourages me to keep going. Not getting out there this week has set back plans with the fence because the creep hasnāt been here most of the time. I could have got such a lot done if it hadnāt been for the covid. But resting has done me good I suppose. I couldnāt fight it. So Iām hoping to get finished next week. Will transform the space having the trellises on the fencing.
Please donāt give up on your garden. What else will you do with your time? And would he even notice a new plant here and there? I donāt understand why heās so against having a nice garden. And you have a natural green thumb. Is that the saying or have I made it up? I was always laughing at mams expressions. You are a natural gardener. Itās a real skill. Keep nurturing in memory of your mam. She would want you to. Iām looking forward to planting up in the Autumn. Donāt know what the refund is for the roses but Iāll put it towards replacing those I lost.
Let us know how Zoe is. Tell her weāre all thinking of her.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzanne
Not had too bad a week and mostly felt more positive. Theatre helps. Not out this weekend mainly because of yet another train strike. Getting ridiculous now.
Thursday they play European matches and then have to play Premier League games on Sundays. Cant remember the last Saturday match we had !
Those crap days and weeks just creep up on you without warning but what can we do . Just have to keep taking one day at a time.
Hope you feel better today and over the weekend.
Sending love and best wishes Neil x
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This is the very funny cast I saw on stage the other day in London x
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Hi Michelle,
Being lonely and feeling like thereās a massive something missing is all part of this awful journey. I wonder what the point of me is without mam. I didnāt know that my existence was defined by her being here. Nothing I do has any substance now and is just filling in time to get through the day. The thing is we donāt stop loving and being part of the relationship we had with our mams. And now they arenāt here we are left behind just wanting them to come back and for all this sadness and longing to stop. When I started going swimming it was the most surreal feeling because I was surrounded by people and all I could think about was that they were all going to die and they didnāt know it. My anxiety means that I disassociate when stressed. Iām separate to what is happening around me. Itās a defensive thing. Like watching yourself in a film and not being present. The craving for mam to return never leaves me. I cry for her all the time. Iām crying now. I just canāt accept that the one person who I deeply love in this world is no longer here and that I should have taken more care of her when she was here, should have been less focused on me and more on spending time with her, being less busy doing stuff which took me away from her. I didnāt know I was running out of time. I didnāt know mam wouldnāt be here forever.
You are so lucky to have such a loving and supportive person in J. And whatever happens he will be ok, whether thatās with medication or going on as he is. Itās surprising what we can adjust to. But not this. And theyāre being very good about reassuring you. I know when I had the second breast cancer I had my chemo at home because of my panic attacks. Treatment was horrific but they did all they could to accommodate me. Iād go through it all again just to have a second with mam, to tell her I love her and miss her so much.
I do hope they can do something to help Teddy. But if they canāt he will adjust because he has you and J and knows he is safe and loved. Itās awful what has happened. I hope they can do something for him. Did the harness idea make you laugh? I remember looking after my sisters children when they were little and I needed help getting into the body harness they had. Couldnāt wait to get it off me! Iām not naturally child friendly! I just donāt have that instinct. Iām very self contained. It was like strapping a massive hot water bottle to me.
Glad you liked the garden garlands. Itās like having slithers of sky in amongst the greenery. Looking forward to doing another one today but the workmen are being very noisy next door so Iām not sure Iāll be sitting out. Shame because itās so sunny after the rain.
That feeling of being alone, not being connected, feeling anxious is all very natural. I think mam didnāt have a final chat with me because she knew I wouldnāt be able to cope with her not being here. Itās like I didnāt know the reality of what was coming. How could I? Trying to make sense of it when you know thereās nothing you can do just makes the pain worse. So finding something that soothes you, even for a short time, is worthwhile. This journey we are on is horrific. All we can do is try to get through the day. Itās a relief to get to night time and sleep. If you canāt sleep ask for sleeping tablets from your GP. It helped me get back into a routine. You canāt function otherwise. As time goes on (8 months for me now) you will adjust to a new way of living. If you can set up a routine of household chores that fills in time. Itās learning to achieve smalls things and recognise what you have done. Take each day as it arrives. Donāt look at the future. It will come to you eventually. Take your time and do whatever is right for you. Disregard what others say about moving on etc. Let them deal with their own shit.
I hear Porsch screaming for me in the garden. She has separation anxiety if she canāt see me so Iāll have to go. Hope your appointments go well.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Hopefully you can get back on track with your theatre trips and doing things that make you feel good. Itās the quiet bits in between that are the real test. Now Iām back on the mend Iām hoping to get the fences up next week and finished. Such a shame because the creep has been away. Maybeās on hols (though heās never gone away before) or maybe heās broken into another house and got caught. If he can drill out the loft wall while Iām at home heās capable of a lot more, Iām sure. Hope itās the latter and he gets put away so I can have some peace!
Was hoping to get in the garden and create another plastic garland but the workmen are in next door so not sure if I can. But I can get started on my new blog so can do that looking out onto the garden from the sitting room. Still not got much energy. Hope once I get started Iāll get going with some enthusiasm.
I was just saying to Michelle, Porscha has separation anxiety. I found her screaming for me in the garden, looking through the sitting room window and because I was in the bedroom she was anxious. Wanted chicken, of course. My days are defined by Porscha and her needs. Sheās such a princess!
Do you have anything nice planned at the weekend? Any football? Iāve never had any interest in it. Canāt believe itās Friday again. Time is a strange creature now. So slow and yet we find ourselves heading towards another season. Looking forward to more planting when the fences are up. Noticed my little yellow passion fruits have started dropping off. And the figs. Might recue the peaches today. Iām in that strange space of recovery where Iām not quite up to doing stuff but want to do something. Sure Iāll crack on when Iām dressed.
Have a good day whatever you are up to.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzanne,
Fingers crossed for the mot. I remember the shock I got for mine and then again 2 days later when the power steering was buggared. Like you say, itās beyond your control and will be whatever it is. Hope you get it back for tomorrow.
Your volunteering is such a wonderful thing. Do they offer school trips? I can imagine the chaos of hoards of children descending on the quiet space but it would be marvelous for them to see into another world. Looking forward to your pics tomorrow.
I was so upset about my eel. Heād munched his way through the shrimps and snails Iād got to help keep the tank clean and that made him not be able to swim properly. So heād hover, hanging upside down in the water. Looked like heād lost his balance. But he was still happy enough and eating. I just found him in the same spot as the night before and he was stiff so I knew heād passed some time during the night. Elsie always hovered beside him. She looks lost in the tank on her own so I sat next to her watching tv and she didnāt leave me all night. I know sheās just a gold fish but still has character.
Was just saying to Neil about the creep not being here this week. Hope heās got banged up for breaking into someone elseās house and got caught. I could have got the fences finished this week if I didnāt have covid. But Iāll get them done. Did you see my new garden garlands? I enjoyed creating them and have a blog to do, taking notes and photographing as I went. One step closer to actually getting back to doing some real work.
My niece deferred her placement because of the move (which may never happen). I donāt understand why she canāt just go. Moving house isnāt her responsibility. I think she only applied because I encouraged her. Thereās only so much I can do. My sister obviously isnāt encouraging her to go and thatās why sheās still here. I know Iāll have my swim bud for longer but sheās wasting a year on something that may never happen. My sister needs to get her big girl pants on and be responsible for her own life and stop holding onto her grown up kids. Who wants their mam following them to uni? Iāve never heard of such a thing.
So relieved for the rain we got. More forecast. Glad I didnāt have to get round with the hose. Will be a relief when summer is over and I can relax a bit. Any plans with your fence? Itāll have to dry out first, then you can push on with getting the panels painted. Quite therapeutic once you get going but wear clothes fit for the bin. I get absolutely covered, but then I am very messy.
I love weeding, that is also therapeutic. But I encourage the weeds to balance the plants now. Creates a natural habitat. You could get some wild flower seeds to throw down and then you wouldnāt see the weeds!
Do you watch Montyās Gardnerās World? Itās on tonight (I hope). I always look at my garden and think why do I bother? I have barely any colour because the slugs have munched the plug plants and even the established plants have not survived the heatwave (hydrangea, orange flames). Think Iāll get some more trees and shrubs to create more shade for next summer. And Iāll see what the refund was on the roses. Just glad to get something back. Roses donāt take much looking after once established. They do their own thing and are very pretty. You could get climbers in with honeysuckle and jasmine all along your fences. Would look great in a couple of years. An investment in the future.
Still not dressed so must dash. Good luck with the car and post lots of pics of tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi everyone sorry havenāt posted last couple of days had a bit of a vertigo attack while having hair washed at hairdressers, usually takes a couple of days to settle again. All okay now.
Christine,
I sorry to hear about Hilda your eel, you will have to get Elsie new companion and good news your now negative. Donāt over do it covid makes you feel weak and tired for ages afterwards.
Itās a shame your neighbour was away when you were not well, but you have used the time well to make your garden garlands. Before you knows it will be autumn planting and with any luck you will get your refund for the lost roses.
I wouldnāt worry to much about your niece lots of young people take a year out before the hard work of uni.
Neil
Glad you enjoyed the show on Wednesday and good result for you too with the football. The train strikes are playing havoc with everyoneās plans.
Michelle, Hope you got a phone appointment for your husband and that the consultant can see him in person soon, as I was saying to Neil the train strikes are disrupting so many lives. Iām sure Teddy will be well looked after by the vet.
Suzanne. Fingers crossed for MOT I used to hate that time of the year never knowing what it might fail on. I know what you and Michelle mean about that feeling, you want company so your not alone, but at the same time you want to be left alone, a strange feeling.
Tina, how is Zoe. Please carry on getting plants for your garden, your brother doesnāt give you any moral support you need your garden as an outlet. What are you going to do with the space where you outhouses were.
Nic, sending love and hope you get work sorted soon. Itās not good they keep upsetting you, your management should be supporting you more. How are the girls?
Lucy, thinking of you next week, I know your worried about going away, you will have your brother with you. Both be support for each other.
Hi Beki and Jane hope your both doing as well as you can be.
Sending love and hugs to everyone 
Debbie X
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This will make you smile, gave up on trying to get water lilies to grow in our small pond, so resorted to synthetic ones.
In our old house we had a massive pond had no trouble before, but trying to balance the ecosystem of a small pond is a nightmare.
I try to find a photo of our old pond.
Debbie X
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Hi Debbie,
WOW! Your pond is absolutely fabulous. That must have been so upsetting to leave it behind. My therapist has water lillies and Iām always so envious. I tried germinating seeds but they didnāt grow. Thatās on my list to do - water lillies, irises and oxygenators. I have the same fake ones you do, though mine arenāt as clean!
Got a terrible fright from my sister up north sending a pic of mam but no text. I wasnāt expecting to see mam and it really upset me. Her friend at work has just died from stomach cancer and sheās devastated. It will have brought it all back about mam because she had gall bladder cancer and it had spread to other organs. She couldnāt eat, same as my sisters friend. Why is life so cruel? He wasnāt even very old and had kids. I just canāt cope with all this death. I donāt know how we are supposed to just crack on with life. Iāve asked if she wants to come down to stay for a bit but she hasnāt replied. Donāt know if she can take any more time off work.
She has very bad vertigo after having an ear infection years ago. She had to have grommits and has tried so many things, injections and exercises for balance. Itās so debilitating. When she loses her balance she canāt drive, go to work, even get dressed. So I understand why youāve been out of action. Glad youāre back x
I got a refund for the roses, Ā£23. Not as much as I paid out but itās something. Think Iāll replace the ones I lost because the others have taken well. Looking forward to getting back into the garden and getting the fences finished. Still have no energy but better than was. Really pleased with the garlands. And Iāll get a blog out of it too. Havenāt created any work for ages. Getting back to it feels like Iām āmoving onā from mam and I canāt leave her behind. I still canāt accept sheās not here. I donāt understand where sheās gone. If I knew that maybe I could settle but thereās no certainty of knowing she is elsewhere and that I will see her in time. Just want it over with so I can be with her now. Waiting is too long. My sisterās news has really thrown me again. I had picked myself up from being so upset last time. Iām in floods of tears again. That poor man and his children. My poor mam. Iāve just gone through life filling it up with things that donāt matter. I donāt see the point in anything. Nothing means anything. Itās just filling in time. Sorry, Iām so upset again. Have to go xxx
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HI all.
I need to catch up on posts. Just checking in.
Itās been a crap week. Mums 6 months was on Wednesday and horrendous day at work yesterday which has basically put me on my ass. Itās my birthday on Monday too and really just dreading it. I will read through the posts. Just been a bad week.
Sending lots of love to you all.
Nic xxx
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Hi Neil,
Feeling so much better today so thank you for asking.
Looks an amazing cast and Caroline Quentin comedic timing is always spot on x
Yeah these train strikes are getting beyond ridiculous now. I respect anyone who stands up for themselves to ask for a better pay but when it impacts otherās lives then I do get a bit annoyed tbh x my friendās boyfriend works for Network Scotland or something and heās striking but he earns like Ā£45-50k a year as it isā¦that to me is inconceivable to earn that much and say itās not enough but that could just be me x
We also had to put up with protests in Perth this week because for some reason Sunak and Truss (is that even her name?) weāre having some Tory debate thereā¦however when I saw a big homemade sign saying āLiz Truss is a fannyā I just laughedā¦how Scottish is that? 
x
Anyway hope you have a pleasant weekend and the weather isnāt too bad and will check in with you over the weekend xx
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Hi Debbie,
Donāt know how but car sailed through MOT x
Love the photos of your pond and hope you are feeling better today xx
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