Hi Debbie,
I totally agree with you. I wish I could apologise for everything and anything I ever did or said to make mam upset with me. I just want the chance to say I’m sorry for not being perfect. She would tell me not to be so silly. But that is how I feel.
I’ve ordered some new moss balls and plants for the fishtank for Elsie and hope to get her some new pals this week. Will start swimming again and meeting up with my niece now I’m feeling better again. Didn’t hear back from my sister about her friend at work. Assume she’s soldiering on, as we all do. Feeling lighter and a bit positive even though the creep is back.
Just saying to the others, I feel so much better for getting my blog finished. Will do a link for the garlands when it’s listed. I know it’s a small thing and its not real work but I’m going to get in the loft and box up projects to do and bring some down to try to get me back into it. It’s only quilting and the finishing process but if I can make a start there’s quite a few bits I can get done over the winter while I mull over new ideas. Just couldn’t face it before. It feels like moving on from mam and leaving her behind. If I do little bits it will fill in time when I’m not in the garden. Feels quite Autumnal today.
Countryfile at 7pm - featuring textile artist Amanda Cobbett. She’s fabulous! Intricate studies of mushrooms, bark, moss etc found on her daily walks with the dogs. I hope she’s on after I’ve told you all about it! Really looking forward to it.
Hope you are having a nice Sunday and have things planned before you go back to work.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Jane,
I think I said something to Tina about all builders being dodgy! Trying to console her and am not including your lovely hubby! I’ve always been interested in building and diy and interior design. Love Grand Designs. There’s a concrete box in Brighten I think which is home to the manager of East 17. Fabulous. They display all their artworks in it. Love polished concrete and floor to ceiling glass. My ideal building. Also love the idea of loft living in New York. Just another passion of mine.
Hope your tiff has been sorted out. I wish I could take back every cross word I ever had with mam but then that is just not real life. Living in the moment is very different from reflecting back when it’s too late to change anything. I would give anything and everything to see mam again. We all would. I would swap places with her. I’m having a lighter day today and so can say these things. But on my darker days I couldn’t possibly have that perspective.
I do envy you being able to visit your mam and dad at the cemetry. Don’t even know whether dad has done mams ashes in her parents grave up north. My sister will visit regularly and said she would phone me when she’s there so I can chat to mam over the phone. I gave her a lotus lamp to put on when she visits and I will light the same one here as a guide for mam to visit me if she can. I still hope she will but it’s been 8 months now. I did feel her presence just after she left and I could smell the candle from the chapel of rest. It was when I was breaking my heart listening to the songs from the service, writing the lyrics for the tribute site. I’m getting upset now, just thinking of it because its the song I remember when I was little. It was always on and it was sunny. We have yellow lace curtains and I was dressing up in mams nightie and high heels. Mamma Cass.
I think it’s lovely that you have squirrels scampering about when you visit your mam. I miss the squirrels in the garden. pinching all the nuts and seeds from the bird feeders. Will start feeding them again in the winter.
Yes, the bloody creep is back. Must have been on hols because he’s been gone for a week or so. Couldn’t do much in the garden because I was so ill with the covid. Will get the fencing finished soon and looking forward to the Autumnal planting up. Winter pansies.
Sending you lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Hope you can get the fence done and really hoping the creep buggers off.
You mentioned the football season. We are bottom of the table with 0 goals and 0 points so a shocking start! We did win a Euro match but that was against a more or less amateur team .
Glad I’ve been buying theatre tickets rather than football tickets !
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Jane,
I think people are dissuaded from feeding grey squirrels as they are an invasive species which can give squirrelpox to the reds which can be devastating x
However I’m a bit like Debbie’s Doug in that it’s not their fault they aren’t welcome here so although I don’t feed them expensive muesli bars 
I do tend to feed them too lol xx
Hi Neil,
I know the lady you’re talking about as have seen her on some comedy panel shows…should be a right funny one too x
Just busy away working but the new Game of Thrones spin off starts tomorrow so looking forward to that lol x
What have you got planned for this week if anything?
Hope your are having a non-eventful couple of days and take care 
x
Hi Neil,
Whatever the scores it’s being part of the game that counts. I know the scores are important but enjoy it while it lasts. Looks like it might not last that long! Just haven’t got a clue. It’s another thing to enjoy.
I’ve been in touch with my niece and booked a swim after therapy with her and will get some fish mid week. If I don’t push myself I’ll not do anything and it will be nice to get out of the house again. Pleased she’s staying for another year, having deferred uni.
Watched the Amanda Cobbett artist interview. Was good. Her work is fab. Inspires me to get cracking again and finish off pieces I have lying around. Hope so anyway. My blog is listed for end of Aug so good timing o try to get my website updated, another thing I’ve been putting off doing.
I was watching the Jeremy porn king documentary about the allegations and trial. He was such a predator and got away with it because it was the eighties. Shocking behaviour. Loved the eighties for the glitz and glamour. Miss going out.
Have a good day tomorrow and even if it is a quiet one find something good in it to cherish. Hope to go in the garden if the creep goes to work but really have so little energy. Be nice to get a bit of sun and maybe water the garden.
Lots of love xxx
Morning all
I can’t go on like this. So my Auntir who has been playing up since we lost mum has done it again for the 2nd time in a week shes fone to hospital, this timr eith constipation!! We got a phone call at 6.25 yesterday morning and i asked to speak to the paramedics who basically said that they were having to to take her to hospital as they couldn’t speak to her GP. One of my aunties neighbours told me she was demanding they put her on a stretcher but they told her she had to walk so that says something. Shes well enough to shout at me mum said nanny always said shes a bloody good actress. So ive ended up with her dog as well as Teddy so not really had any sleep so have taken today off as holiday, dont think they are very happy but can’t help that. If I’m honest I’m using it as an excuse, i feel all shaky at the thought of going somewhere on my own but I’m also in a panic now being at home on my own i just don’t know how to deal with any of this mum always looked after Harry when Auntie played up. Teddy isn’t doing too bad he can see a little but seems quite disorientated. Hoping Js results are back today, I’m thinking that he should have it out anyway as its only going to grow so maybe better to have it out now but guess thr professor will tell us for sure. Sorry to seem so self absorbed i have read everyone elses posts. x
Hi Michelle,
Sounds like your Auntie is looking for attention. Don’t pander to her. Having her dog could be good company for Teddy on a practical level but if it’s distressing to him you’ll have to take him back and just refuse to help her out at all. Sounds like a right drama queen. And taking an ambulance to hospital is just wrong. She should be charged for wasting everyone’s time. I think she needs to get involved in something so she can put all that angst to good use.
I agree with you about J having the lump removed. He’ll feel more comfortable. It’s fab news that Teddy can see a little bit. Maybe he’ll get more sight back in time. You’ll have your hands full today with the two of them. Just do whatever you have to right now, and take time out for a cuppa. Don’t focus on the whole day and become overwhelmed. You’ll be ok on your own. And if the auntie makes any demands on you just tell her NO! You have to care for you as if you were caring for your mam or a friend. And if you need reassurance just ask your mam and she’ll tell you. You’ll be feeling very lost without her. We all are. Until they leave us our mams have been our protectors in life. So being afraid, however old we are, is a very natural feeling.
The creep came back yesterday and I was woken up at about 6.30 am with tapping or hammering on my bedroom wall (outside). I was obviously not going out there but this wasn’t happening until he got back. He’s beyond creepy! Just hope he hasn’t made an entry for the rats again after all the work was done. So I’m not even up yet. So when you are feeling afraid on your own imagine the creep drilling through your loft wall and climbing into your house through the ceiling hatch. It’s good to have something to measure your fear against to settle you into knowing that you are safe and all you have to do is get through the day and J will return.
Mam feels quite far away this morning. Can never gage how I’ll be feeling throughout the day. Miss her so very much. Was feeling quite hopeful yesterday but not now. It’s so up and down.
Keep posting when you need to. Someone will always be here and if not they are probably finding it really hard and just need to get through whatever they are feeling. Don’t let the drama queen spoil your day. She must be really missing your mam to be acting up like this.
Lots of love xxx
Hi all
Need to catch up! Sorry haven’t been on over the weekend as find the forum a pain to access from my phone and I try and stay off the computer over the weekend otherwise I get sucked into work.
Absolutely knackered and aching. We had a village yard sale yesterday and I took it as an encouragement to sort out under the stairs in the kitchen…which haven’t been sorted out, erm, this century maybe?! Turned into a Herculean task.
The yard sale went well, it was fun to do a car boot sale from the comfort of your own drive! My friend from craft club came and sat with me - it was really hot, had to put sun lotion on.
My main thing was to get rid of a lot of stuff so although I only made £22.50, I was selling very cheap so made lots of space.
The nicest sale was a cuddly dragon toy. Mum collected dragons at one point and when I was sorting through things for some reason this one I felt fine letting this one go. A little girl came and saw it and feel in love with it and whispered to her Mum who said ‘ask the lady’ She came over and was shy and asked how much it would be so I said 50p for her. There was also a soft toy in the shape of a banana so she asked if she could buy that too to take home for her baby brother - sure 50p! She skipped off down the road cuddly them, know its going to be very loved!
@christine51 hope you are feeling better, covid can take some getting over. Glad to hear you are feeling inspired with the blog and textiles. Really hoping my craftiness stays strong over the winter when the garden needs me less.
@NEILB72 I am on the whatsonstage newsletter and some other theatre ones and looks like some good productions in the pipeline for the next season.
@MichelleY hope you are able to find some peace in thee early weeks. Be kind to yourself and get all the rest you can
@Jane36 sorry to hear you have had some tense moments with hubby but not surprising given the explosion of emotions grief brings along. Hope you can find some peace.
Better run - off to pick up my prescription sunglasses though after the weekend can barely move - walking like a right old woman!
Beki x
Hi Everyone.
Christine - I’m glad you got some recompense for the roses. Hopefully there’ll be something that will catch your eye to replace them. How you doing in yourself now? Just read your reply to Debbie about feeling bad about things said/done, or not done and how upset you feel. I can empathise with that for sure. Probably, many people that that way too but just don’t say. Doesn’t make it any easier though I know. It’s Mum’s birthday soon and this is also the time of year stuff started to go wrong and like everyone else I’m having periods where mental energy is hard to find. I have to be grateful though with Zoe not being diagnosed with Hip Dysplasia. Waiting for Biopsy now. We had the builders to demolish a block of 3 concrete sheds in a row that were 9ft tall with concrete top and floor. They got them down but then I asked neighbour can I go in his garden to look as on his side the wall to these sheds is 4ft remaining as it’s on lower ground. There were two huge cracks but as I hadn’t taken photos beforehand there is nothing I can do. It turns out the remaining wall isn’t a retaining double wall but they went and put the fencing up anyway and there was/is movement going on during the installation. Really they should have stopped and discussed the options but they carried on. It’s upsetting really as the garden no longer looks like what it was when Mum was here. Everything just feels diluted now. My Brother didn’t deal with the Builders I did, and I found that very stressful. Well what can you do, you just have to be grateful for the small things don’t you I suppose. Pity creep came back, he needs to go away more often. I can imagine how that photo felt out of the blue. If be exactly the same. It wouldn’t have entered your Sisters mind probably. Your other Sister sounds like she’s having you not knowing what day of the week it is with all this chopping and changing of plans. It’s not an easy situation is it. Been watching some woman on TikTok explaining how she picks up discarded car wheel trims at the side of the road and paints them as a flower and puts them on her wall as a floral display. Not what I’d have thought of but they didn’t look too bad!
Neil. If you’ve had a shocking start to football them the only way must be up! The only thing I know about football is that it’s a round ball, not a rugby ball! It’s just something I’ve never taken to. Think if I was you I’d prefer theatre shows myself too.
I hope things are ticking along ok for you Neil
Debbie
I really love the pictures. Gardening really is a labour of love isn’t. Just looking outside now and it’s absolutely throwing it down do if the plants aren’t watered now, they never will be!
Nicola
I hope your day will be as gentle as possible with maybe a few smiles and laughs thrown in.
Suzanne
Glad the car situation went well. Can imagine what a weight off you shoulders.
Lucy
Hope you are feeling a bit better than the last few days
Jane
Hi, no it’s not just you about the churchyard. Mum and us used to visit her Mum in the churchyard and Id just think how serene and tranquil it was. Time had stood still and it made you think the people that were already there were laughing about all the things us mortals fret over, the possessions we amass and how utterly meaningless they are. Now my Mum I’d there it’s a different feel, but I’d still say it’s a peaceful place.
Hi Beki
You’ll have to think of your next entrepreneurial adventure Lady Sugar!
Hi Michelle
You can’t do everything, you’ll burn yourself out and end up in a right state. Hope there’s someone helping you. Can’t see on my phone screen very well but seem to recall you having your mum’s dog and him not being well? I know how the uncertainty feels and I hope you get the outcome you are wishing for. Don’t worry. You aren’t being self absorbed at all. Make sure you get some tlc.
All the best and lots of love all
Hi Beki,
Well done you! I love a good clear out and it always becomes a huge task so you feel very good after that. And made some cash! That little girl will adore her new toys so you were right in letting them go to a good home. Having your pal with you made the day more fun. I’ve done some car booties years ago. The hoard of jeans was surprising. Bargains at a fiver a pair. Made over a hundred quid with dvd,s and cassette tapes (thems the days). Love car booties. Went most weekends before my parents moved because it was on the field round the corner from them Still had to take the car because it was always packed with clothes and fabrics for me and toys for the kids when they were little. We’d get back and lay out our treasures on the lawn. There was usually a little something mam loved, a scarf, a fancy plate. She did very well for never going. Miss my Sundays. I have enough fabrics to last me many years worth of textile works. Will you do any more? It’s a great way of giving back to the community.
Been really exhausted today. Just lay in bed watching films and slept a lot. Thought I was on the mend but had a setback. Hope I feel up to swimming tomorrow. Will get my test results over the phone too. Nurse said it was all fine but it’s the official results.
Don’t blame you for staying off the laptop. If I’m not in the garden or watching tv that’s what I seem to do. Not sure what I did before.
Enjoying watching the rerun of Unforgotton at 10 on itv3. Some good stuff advertised for end of August. Whenever I drift into tv I’m always suddenly reminded that mams not here. Comes from nowhere. Just bang, she’s gone and is never coming back. Then the small time I had in being elsewhere stops and I’m back to my new reality. It’s relentless. She feels very far away at the mo and I feel disconnected from her. It won’t last.
Feels like I’ve missed a day because I haven’t done anything.
Take care.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
I feel so utterly drained of energy today that all I could do was drift off between watching films. So I hope I’m ok for swimming tomorrow. Meeting my niece before therapy so she’ll take her bike to the park for a zoom around while I’m chewing the ear off my lovely therapist. Getting the scan results over the phone too so hope it is all ok. Pains aren’t as bad since I’ve stopped eating my spicy veg soup. Just couldn’t face it and was craving microwave food instead (burgers, spag bol).
It is good news about the roses. Better than nothing. Might try looking at ‘You Garden’ which is what my sister uses. Sending that pic of mam really did uoset me and I still don’t know why she sent it with no dialogue. She hasn’t got back in touch with my offer for her to stay. Think she keeps it bottled up and plods on with work. Had to sort out a lot of stuff . She runs different offices so couldn’t just not go in. I really do feel sorry for her. She said they were like husband and wife at work, splitting whatever it was they did. It’s so soon after mam.
Mam feels really far away at the mo. I think I have so little energy I can’t even be upset. Like you said, the mental energy is hard to find. I just want to get back to being productive. I feel better achieving something with my day. Other days getting the dishes done, making a coffee, feeding Porsch is such a major task. I always feel worse for resting. Hope I perk up tomorrow with swimming. Haven’t been for weeks.
When is your mam’s birthday? That will be so hard. I was absolutely broken on mam’s because it was in the January after she left in Nov, with xmas and New Year in between. Dreading it coming round again. And with the family not speaking to me I’m totally alone. But I will get a real xmas tree again for the garden. Won’t celebrate anything but will do mams memory tags. It’s playing on my mind because I know the summer is ending and I’m getting closer to mam’s first year. Just dreading it and its ages away yet.
Good news for Zoe. Hope she is well in herself. As long as she’s loved and you do all you can for her she’ll be content. Porsch just came in for a bite. Her new place in the garden is to sleep in the sun on mams cushioned foot stool. She hates being indoors and will be driving me mad in the winter when it’s too cold to go out.
Sounds like your garden has really had a make over. I know that change is scary, and it’s different to what it was when your mam was here but what would she think of the new space now? And have you started planning the possibilities in your head? Sure your brother will want to take ownership of it all but don’t let him get away with it. You are there too. You are the one at home all day in that space with Zoe. Sounds like the wall next to the fence will be ok if it’s repaired. Don’t know much about these things but as long as it’s made safe and doesn’t collapse on Zoe it will do. And now the work is done you can put that stress behind you. I’m always amazed at the people who plan and run their own designs or conversions and live on site. Be ok as long as things go to plan but a nightmare when you lose control of it.
Intrigued by the flower wheels. Very creative! I am impressed but I can imagine others thinking its an eyesore. Perspectives. Have you checked out the artists living in Slab City in the desert in America? Such creative peeps. I love the idea of freedom, not conforming to society but don’t think I could cope with the lawlessness.
Think that’s the creep back from work. Must close my curtains. He’ll be getting an eyeful with the fishtank light on in the sitting room. Hope to get some pals for Elsie on Wed.
Take care hun.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Michelle,
How are things now?
My interpretation of your auntie’s behaviour is similar to Christine’s in that she seems to be seeking any form of attention but could also be an extreme case of hypochondria which is very common after the loss of someone close.
I can only imagine the stress it is putting on you especially with J and Teddy as I remember when my auntie did things like this and it was an awful worry for mum and I as the home didn’t seem to know what to do with her.
If you feel like anything like I did that you feel obligated to help then that is totally understandable but you can not help her if you have no energy or compassion to give because you are frazzled and neglecting your own self x
I unfortunately do not have any tips other than if possible put up some form boundaries to protect yourself from becoming even more burned out but easier said than done. I can only offer an ear to vent x
Hi Christine
How are you this morning?
I haven’t tested but I’m wondering if I too have got Covid. Feel hot, headache, nauseous, extremely tired andy joints are so painful. Like being run over. Wouldn’t care but hardly ever go out!
The back garden is an absolute atrocity. Just want to cry…It didn’t go to plan and the built on a retaining wall which turned out to be single and they shouldn’t have done. The fencing is secure at this present time but it’s not a great outcome. My brother has just decided he’s going to get rid of the wall altogether and rebuild even before they have sent the 4000 bill. He’s also said he is looking for a constant distraction from the grief and this is probably why he’s doing it but when it comes to taking a house apart brick by brick it’s a whole level of seriousness. I’ve said I’d get him a doctor’s appt but he’ll not let me. It was ok when he was buying bits of stuff from Amazon but it’s like addiction where you need higher amounts of something to get the same effect. I did similar when I lost my Husband so I can see the pattern where he can’t.
Mums birthday is 9th Sept. My birthday is 5th October but I ignore it as it was the day before my Husband passed away. Even now, it doesn’t seem real that my Mum isn’t here. It’s like being in a traffic jam on the motorway, you are stuck and can’t go back nor forward but cars are just speeding by on the other carriageway. So disorienting.
Good that your scans are OK. Did you mention the phone call was just to confirm that? Spicy food isn’t good for acid and heartburn and gastric issues and I have bad heartburn but sadly don’t have the sense bit to eat it!
Hope you are soon at your fittest, it’s hard when you want to get going and can’t.
Much love xx
Love the buddleia. They can get really big really quick!
Hi Tina,
you are joking is that really what they charged you, I would have come to yours with a sledge hammer and got a skip for the waste. We could have done it between us with Zoe getting in the way. We could have giggled ourselves through it with me screening at any spiders we found
I recognize that constant distraction, I went through a period of buying on line in the early months after Doug died, just so someone came to the door, and the buzz it gave you. Didn’t really need the things I ordered, just did it.
I do hope you get to persuade your brother to see his GP, we all need help sometimes. I know it’s a man thing not to show they are not coping.
My mum’s birthday is 10th September, she would have been 104yrs. Doug’s birthday is 19th Oct, our family like to go away for a few days together usually half term week to remember him.
I’m always here if you need to chat, autumn is going to be a challenge for all of us.
Love Debbie X
Hi Tina,
Oh babe. Being run over by a bus perfectly describes how I felt with covid, feeling worse when I was negative again than when I had it. So sounds like you do have it hun. The local chemist here have tests for £3 each so you’d need 2. It feels like a really bad summer cold and hayfever in one. But I went to therapy today, swimming (50mins), then up to the post office with my niece so she could get her id application posted. She also popped into the GP for me but they wouldn’t hand over the poo kit (for testing / ruling out bowel cancer) and blood tests (to check for ovarian cancer). The scans showed fibroids but not anything to worry about. GP doesn’t understand why I’m so bloated with pain and so more investigation. Bit worried but have to do each thing as it comes. And if I do have cancer I can be with mam sooner rather than later. That’s my thought pattern now after mam leaving. It’s the end result. Just don’t know how long it will take me to get there.
Learned my sis and family will be moving closer to where dad is so that still leaves me completely alone here. When my therapist dies I will have nobody at all. I won’t see the children. Cannot imagine going swimming alone forever so don’t know how long that will last. Enjoyed today but it’s so limited I wonder if I shouldn’t just stop now instead of getting used to it and enjoying going out when it will end whenever she moves.
OMG !I’ve just spotted your building bill. That is surely wrong as a demolition. They haven’t even built anything. Think you are right about your brother, getting work done as a project to have something to focus on. Puts my planting in perspective! Thought I’d gone a bit mad on the ordering when I’m usually not frivolous at all and very careful with money. Probably a lot of male pride there too, not wanting to admit he needs help. Like my dad being horrible to me because I’m so upset about mam. Made him really angry and I still don’t understand it.
Your description of grief as a traffic jam is spot on. I was explaining to my niece after swimming that I may look like I’m ‘normal’ and not crying for mam but having covid has overwhelmed me with so little energy that I have nothing left and feel very distant. Then I started crying in the car talking about mam. She’s so very grown up and well balanced. I’ll miss her so much when she moves away. My life will be so empty again. I just don’t see the point.
My mam loved September. Autumn was her favourite season and it was their wedding anniversary too. That will be a very upsetting week for you with your mams birthday. I was inconsolable, and on mine. Like you said it doesn’t feel real. I know it is but can’t accept it. I can’t move away from the shock of it. It’s like living inside of an emptiness that can never be filled again. Whatever we had before just doesn’t exist now. Sorry, I’m quite upset again. It’s been a strange day. I’ve done such a lot and didn’t even think I could go out today. So up and down. Crying again now for mam.
Don’t know if I’ll keep the garden going after I’ve got the fences up. I don’t know if anything is worth doing. Wish I’d never started it but that would have meant just crying for mam day in day out with no relief at all. Sure I’m just feeling very overwhelmed and anxious about the tests I have to have. I don’t feel ill with the bloating so I’m assuming that I’m ok. Mam must have been so frightened when she was ill going in and out of hospital and not understanding the pain. I was always so stressed about getting things done. I’d give anything to revisit that time and just be with her. Still just want to be with her where she is now. It never leaves me. But I am frightened incase I do have cancer. Will just have to wait and see. Thought everything was fine because the nurse told me it was.
Back to your garden. Once you clear away the mess can you see a future garden with new planting and Autumnal colour? It’s something to focus on. And with our Autumns lasting well into Nov/ Dec its a good time of year to revamp the space.
How is Zoe getting on? Been thinking of her, wishing her well. All the building work will be quite distressing for her. Porsch is in the garden, refusing to come in. Back on mams footstool.
Keep us posted on the demolition progress. That really is outrageous. Your brother should have done it himself with a sledge hammer, got some of that aggression out.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
Don’t think I was up to posting properly when you posted pics of your lovely huge pond. Such a shame after all that work to have to fill it in. It’s like my friend along the doors, he has to take his lean to down. It 's lovely and the cats love it. Such hard work and the expense. Can’t believe that bill for the demolition for Tina. Think they’re pulling a fast one. Should work out the hourly rate and bill to remove. I would have taken some of the bricks to build my wall when I remove the decking boards at the patio to free up space.
Just saying how worried I am about tests to rule out cervical cancer and bowel cancer. The swelling and bloating is ridiculous for what I actually eat. Didn’t expect to find fibroids too. The nurse had said all looked well. But I was saying to Tina if it’s bad news the good news is I’ll be with mam sooner and not have to wait a whole lifetime to be with her. Can’t believe your mam would be 104. Have you got anything in mind for that week to celebrate?
Learned my sister will move closer to dad so that will happen asap and I won’t see anyone and be totally alone. I knew it was something in the future that might not happen. It’s the uncertainty of it that balanced out the anxiety. Can’t imagine going swimming alone forever or out on my bike. What’s the point? I’m really not seeing a point to being here at all again. Just want to be with mam so all the stress stops. I’m really grinding my teeth now, not just in my sleep. Never experienced it before.
You mentioned hating spiders. I do too when I don’t know they’re there. My sister rented a granny flat attached to a house when the kids were little and didn’t know there were spiders (hairy like tarantulas, big as your hand) that crawled up through the toilet (even though the seat was down) to get in the house on a night. I tried throwing a massive book at one and it lunged forward. Needless to say I ran out and climbed out the window to escape. It was like something out of a horror film. I used to have such a phobia that I got counselling and had a real tarantula skin in a biscuit tin that I kept by my bed to look at throughout the day / night as exposure therapy. It worked. I’m fascinated by them in horror films and seeing infected bites. Could never go to a country with anything like that. Have you watched arachnophobia with the huge spider nest in the barn?
Do you have anything good planned before going back to work? I’m getting Elsie some new pals tomorrow and will take my niece for a food shop at Lidels. That will be a challenge! Haven’t been there since pre covid and always had a panic attack. Will just have to leave her and sit in the car.
Going to shout of Porsch again. Making the most of the sunshine.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine, my mum died in 2000, twenty two years ago she would have been that age this year had she lived. I still count both my mum and dad’s birthdays even though they are both gone.
Always disliked spiders from a child when one crawled on me, never grown out of it and won’t watch anything on TV about them, even nature programmes.
How old is your therapist that you worry about him dying, I’m sure he will be there for you as long as you need him.
Not long until I go back to work, next Thurs 1st September is teacher training day and the students go back the following Monday. I’m on count down now until I retire just 16 months left.
Tomorrow going to Cambridge with my daughter, I don’t live far from there but I’ve never been. Meeting a friend for lunch on Friday and then it’s countdown to the end of the school holidays.
Enjoy your shopping trip to lidls with your neice, and hope you find some new friends for Elsie.
Debbie X