For those who remember I was at war with AXS who would not refund my tickets to take Mum to see the Killer in Vegas - victory!
Yes ticket saga is OVER!
Concert Maps are providing the VIP support for the vip tickets, I copied them in on the email trail and they have gone to the venue/AXS and got them to agree a refund for me and for the tickets to be sold on to a worthy fan!! Got a very kind email from Concert Maps too. Should have money back in my account in the next week
Bleeding hell @Tina19 amazed the builders didnāt ask for a pound of flesh!! Iām in the mood for more war with bureaucracy and bad customer service if you need me
had my first session with the Sue Ryder online counsellor today. She was really nice and I think I just talked at her for the session (and bit of a cry too!). Have felt the sadness start to well up again after some okay weeks so think it was good timing and well worth it.
@christine51 I have fibroids too. They wonāt do anything about them now as they usually shrink during menopause. My stomach is a law unto itself but I donāt think the forum want the details
When i was cleaning under the stairs I was able to get to my breadmaker and today got some bread mixes delivered. looking forward to giving it a good clean and having a bake. Iām all for the bread maker - have no intention of getting hands on like the real bread fanatics!
Hi Debbie
You are probably right Debbie we could have probably done better. If not better at least more carefully.
I know for several years after losing my Husband I was āavoidingā all aspects of what had happened. I was given all kinds of medication but would take none. Iām doing the same with Mum but as this is now my 2nd major loss I can see it with different eyes so to speak and with more insight. Itās nice (not good word) to know that someone else can relate to the distraction thing. I think we are all familiar with it in one form or another sadly.
I think you will be right about Autumn Debbie. Iāll always return the favour of a chat as well.
Hi Christine
Iām sorry to hear about you needing more tests on your stomach. I must have misunderstood when you said youād been told everything seemed fine. Itās likely just to eliminate rather than confirm anything I imagine. Do you have IBS, do you eat a lot of vegetables as Iāve heard they can cause bloating. Im rubbish at going to the doctorās. I used to be a hypochondriac and would visit the doctorās without qualm in my younger days. Now Iām still a hypochondriac, just one that doesnāt go to the Dr.
Thereās been a few times this week when Iāve thought Iād tell Mum something and then get jolted back to reality. This Summer feels like Mums been on an extended break and will be back in Autumn so I feel very apprehensive about things.
Hope you donāt give up the gardening. Sounds like you are having one of those overwhelm periods you talk about but youāll bounce back. (Donāt let him win now, him next door.) Canāt see that happening.)!
Sorry your family are on the move. Do they have a date? Itās still not certain unless they have said a date
It still may not even happen.
Some thrive on chaos and the ripples that get created.
Great to hear youāve been out swimming. We used to get taken to the baths at primary school and I would literally scream the house down as I was petrified of the water and came up with some outlandish plans to not have to go. Needless to say Iām still petrified of swimming pools and still canāt swim.
Was awake at 5.00am, sleeping so badly at moment. I think anxiety and old lady ached and pains are keeping me awake.
Catch you later much love. xx
Can feel sadness leaking back into me and welling up. Like others have said think tiredness, pain, and the thought of a new season around the corner (even though it is one I love) definitely triggers it all.
Oh Tina that is me to a teaā¦I am an even worse hypochondriac now since mum went and it can cause me great anxiety but wonāt go to the stage as the tests they would want to do would cause me more anxietyā¦luckily not that I need to as apart from being a fat Iām all good lol x
@NEILB72ā¦youāve been quite quiet lately how you doing? I realise itās Wed and your friend phones but know yesterday and today often knocks you a bit.
Have you been up to anything? All good with the UC at the minute?
My friend sent me a link to a Bat Conservation charity who look for phone volunteers to help people from Sept-March with injured bats etc and all they ask is 2-3 shifts a month minimum and you work from home and a shift is only 3 hours. I would love to do it but they want you to do like an initial training course in Sept and Iām working both days Iāll see tomorrow if I can change a shift.
Any football lately?
Miss your posts (or maybe I have literally just not seen your posts) and wishing you a good week and hopefully speak to you soon xx
Hereās my Cal showing that Porscha has a rival for being a diva x however I think she still wins as I will not cook him fresh chicken lol x
I agree that the new batch of tests will be to eliminate rather than find anything and hopefully theyāll be able to help you swiftly as nothing worse than sore stomachs. I have IBS like Beki and it literally can break a potential nice day out so quickly. Wonāt go into too much detail but letās say I remember one meal in DIsneyās Hollywood Studios in Florida too well for the wrong reasons x
Glad to hear youāre still swimming and hopefully you got some new fishy pals x.
When you say your sister is moving nearer your dad how far away from you is that? cause I didnāt think he lived that far away from you (dunno how I may have came to that conclusion) so hoped you wouldnāt lose contact with your niece this year anyway x
Anyway Iām away for some onion rings and curry sauceā¦nae wonder I have IBS x
Hi Suzanne
Havenāt been all that well the last couple of days. Had some anxiety but also had some stomach trouble too .Noticed Iāve lost a bit of weight too as my jeans are looser fit. Did want to lose some but this was unintentionally. Tuesday was pretty crap and I phoned CALM for a change but it wasnt that good. I had to ask the guy if he was still there as I thought he had gone to sleep while I was talking.
Anyway my friend phoned a bit earlier and that was nice as always. Got a UC appt tomorrow but while Iām out Iām going to the cinema to see either Nope or Thor Love and Thunder at Cineworld. Might be my last visit as they are in dire financial trouble.
Got my play to see on Saturday . Less said about the football the better the way West Ham have been playing.
I think my stomach problems stem from worry and anxiety . As I said I feel better now but if it does return Iāll see my GP ( if they can be bothered to see me!)
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Debbie,
I am so exhausted again after taking my niece to Aldi to do a big shop. Sheās been getting bits in most days while sheās out and about and I didnāt realise so we got everything she needs and treats so she doesnāt have to faff about and spending a fortune. My sister isnāt living at the family home and sheās been running it herself, looking after the animals, doing the shopping etc. I couldnāt have done that when I was her age. I was commending her on being so independent, that it is a valuable life skill. Very proud of her. I am really unsettled about them moving away because they donāt know when or where and even if it will happen. Feels like I donāt want to get used to going out swimming etc to then be left alone and not be able to go out myself. And Iām terrified that my therapist (late seventies, like mam) will die and leave me. Heās the one constant in my week that I can rely on. Without his reassurance the future is a very scary thing. He always reassures me and has a balanced perspective when Iām in a panic about anything.
Hope you enjoyed your day out in Cambridge and your lunch date. The kids going back to school in Sept always left me feeling a bit lost when they were younger after being so busy during the hols. But Iāve only seen my little nephew twice for swimming, havenāt seen my older nephew at all since the funeral and now heās moving out into London so I wonāt see him again at all. And if my sister does move near dad Iāll not see them because dad wants nothing to do with me and sheās not speaking to me either. Just donāt understand what has happened to the family. But Iām obviously not included in it. They know I canāt go out and do stuff and literally donāt know anybody. I donāt understand how they can be so unloving towards me.
I asked about fish for Elsie and the lady said not to because large fish can be aggressive (canāt imagine her like that but you never know). So she has some new moss balls and a plant. And I got some new toys for the dogs. Seen one when I dropped the shopping off and he was so excited he took it straight upstairs. Just really miss being part of the hustle and bustle of family life. I was involved in it all, from days out to getting the new uniforms, visiting my parents etc. And now nothing. I feel so sad, like I donāt exist.
Make the most of your time left. As soon as youāre back youāll be wishing you werenāt. Nothing worse than going back to work. I always hated it.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Beki,
That is brilliant news about the ticket refund. Always worth trying. Iāve been fighting to get disabled parking at mine for 3 years and finally have the go ahead for a bay. Means Iāll not be in a panic whenever I leave the house about getting parked when I get back. The thing with agoraphobia is an overwhelming sense of fear even though you can rationalise it and know nothing is actually going to happen between the house and the car. Itās because of the stalking years ago. I was jumping through hoops because the panel on the council didnāt understand and refused my application for a drive, even though every house has one. But I was persistent and I will finally not dread coming home (even though I rarely go out). I just wish it had happened when mam was still here. I couldnāt always leave the house for Christmas if I wasnāt parked outside my door and would have to cancel last minute. She understood but I didnāt see her.
It sounds like your session was good. That sadness is like a cloak. Itās overwhelming at the minute and I think feeling so exhausted really doesnāt help. And Iām worrying about the tests coming up, even though I know itās to rule out cancers as ongoing investigation. I was early menopause (33) with the treatment for mastectomy so donāt understand why I have fibroids. It came as a shock as the nurse had said everything looked fine. The surgery are refusing to post the things out to me and I canāt go in to collect the forms / kit. Itās an ongoing battle and I really donāt have the fight left in me at the mo. Will have to threaten them with the Ombudsman again.
Well done you with the bread. Looks fabulous! I have no cooking skills at all and always marvel at the things people can make. Mam and both sisters are good cooks. I just couldnāt wrap my head around it. Hope you have some good salted butter to lavish on.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
I was just saying to Beki, learning I have fibroids has come as a shock because the nurse said everything was fine and not to worry. I donāt have anything like IBS or gastric things or ulcers. The bloating has been ongoing since being given steroids during the cancer treatment 15 years ago, swelling up like a balloon. It doesnāt matter what or how much or how little I eat or drink. The surgery are refusing to post the blood test form and kit out to me because my niece tried collecting them and they didnāt have written consent. So they now wonāt send them out because they expect my niece to collect them. Everything is a fight with them. And it is worrying, even though the tests are to rule out cervical and bowel cancers. Iām so tired to having to fight for everything. I had to wait a month for the test results via a GP telephone consultation. I may have to just stop eating and see if that does the trick. I never used to have anything wrong with me and never went to the GP so I find it all very annoying and infuriating dealing with the staff because they donāt understand or accept agoraphobia. Iāll contact the Ombudsman again.
I get what you mean about Autumn coming and it being upsetting. It was always mams favourite season. She loved the colours of Autumn in her clothes too. It upsets me knowing Iāll not be planting up the baskets with her. Winter pansies. Canāt face going in the garden now.
Take care x
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
That is pure happiness right there, snooching on the couch waiting to be pampered. Porscha has started waiting for me to make my coffee and sit on the kitchen floor at God knows what time in the morning to be hand fed little pieces which she spits out until she finds a bit she likes. So annoying! But if I donāt do it sheāll keep howling. Iāve tried ignoring her and it doesnāt work. Will have to go out there because sheās refusing to come in and its 8pm.
I worked with a girl who had IBS and it was so incapacitating for her. She often had to get changed. People would laugh until I didnāt join in and would just stare at them until they stopped. Hate bullying. But I do enjoy humour of the brown variety!! Had a lovely friend on holiday with a dodgy stomach. Her socks were brown before she reached the bathroom. And another had a first romantic holiday with her new boyfriend and thought sheād ruined it because she couldnāt get off the toilet. Rusty radiators scenario. Didnāt put him off though. She was amazed. I know the tests are just to rule out cancer but its still worrying.
I didnāt get new pals for Elsie because the lovely woman said it could upset her or make her aggressive. She was very amused by my description of how wafty Elsie is and likes to watch tv with me now that Hildaās gone. So she has a new plant and some moss balls to faff about in.
If my sister moves beside dad heās only 40 mins away but has disowned me and she isnāt chatting to me either. Was just saying to Debbie how utterly abandoned I feel. I donāt want to get used to going swimming and out on the bikes with my niece for her to move and then never see her. Terrified my therapist will die and leave me completely alone. He says heās not planning on leaving any time soon but he is late seventies and Iām always looking at people now and thinking they will die and itās just a matter of time and they probably arenāt aware of it. I get really upset seeing older people, especially if a woman is wearing something mam would like or wear herself. Reminders that sheās gone everywhere. Happened when I came out of swimming. I canāt escape it.
Enjoy your treats.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Lovely to see you here. Always miss you when you donāt post and think of you especially on a Tues and today. I do think anxiety wrecks the functioning of the body. I never had any concerns about health (apart from the two breast cancers) my whole life and just find all the tests worrying and alarming. Only ever have telephone consultations with the GPās and find reception staff an ongoing battle.
So pleased you have 2 things to brighten your week, and your friends chat. It really does make a difference having a connection with someone. Iāll be lost without my niece. Iām dreading them moving away and leaving me completely alone. I always think of myself as independent but it scares me knowing I have nobody to turn to. And then I balance that out with what has happened to mam and think whatever happens I just want to join her, whenever that is. It will be unrealistic to think Iāll keep swimming on my own for years. Iāll just give up. Not exactly motivated today, even though I did have a good day taking my niece food shopping and I didnāt have a panic attack. There was hardly anyone in the shop and thatās why.
Good luck with the GP. Iām going to threaten them with the Ombudsman again if they donāt send me what I need. Having agoraphobia must be the most frustrating thing because I have to explain why I canāt go in every time. Exhausting!
Still sleeping during the day and doing buggar all at the mo. Hope you donāt catch the covid. I wore a mask while out shopping. Just want to get back to having the choice to do stuff.
Enjoy your film.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Life is all crap isnāt it. Was just looking at Mums chair and a year ago she was sitting in it blissfully unaware of what was to come. Itās a really expensive chair custom made but I sit in the old one for some reason .
Grief causes anxiety and other health problems and thatās what other people dont understand.
When you mentioned swimming alone it does hit you that everything we do is on our own now at least for a long time yet.
As for Covid Iāve probably had it couple of times with hardly any symptoms as most of us have. I cant remember the last time I wore a mask . Will be having another jab when they are available and Mum would have done too
Speak again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
sorry you havenāt been feeling well, I hope it isnāt covid, so many people I know have had it recently. But as you said anxiety does strange things to the body. Hope you get a GP appointment.
Iāve seen the Thor film it was very good. Iāve seen all the news about Cineworld, but I think reading between the lines is just America they are applying for bankruptcy and will probably emerge as a new business in the UK.
I went to see Fishermanās Friends 2 last week, I recommend it, itās was a funny feel good film. Looking forward to the new Avatar film coming near Christmas, Doug had got excited when they said they were making another one, so sad he wonāt get to see it.
I hope you enjoy the theatre on Saturday, and that the hammers win this week.
Sending love
Debbie X
Hi Debbie
Dont think it was Covid at all. Just a stomach problem . Probably all the worry and sadness getting on top of me on some days.
I remember now you saw the Thor film. Itās a choice between that and Nope tomorrow. I have just been talking to a neighbour who saw the Fishermanās Friends 2 film the other day and really enjoyed it. I used to go to the cinema nearly every week pre-covid . Since then even more films are being streamed and it takes some of the experience away. I noticed the prices at Cineworld have gone up since I went there last. I usually go to Picturehouse or Vue.
Hope you are having a peaceful evening
Sending love and best wishes
Neil xx
What a shame you couldnāt get Elsie any friends but Iām sure she will like her new additions to the tank and you can still watch TV together.
I do like Aldi for a shop, we have two Lidls where I live and no Aldi, our nearest one is a bus ride away such a pain when I donāt drive.
Where has your sister gone, leaving your niece at home alone, had she gone on holiday or staying with your dad.
What did you do about your dadās birthday, did he contact you at all.
There is so much about guarding personal information these days Iām not surprised the doctors would let your niece collect your tests without prior permission. Itās the way the world is going these days.
Iām sure you will be okay swimming on you own when your niece goes to uni, you have done it before you can again.
We enjoyed Cambridge, it was very hot day, my granddaughter and her boyfriend went to Fitzwilliam Museum and me, my daughter and grandson, went to Sedgwick Museum and walked around Kings Parade where Kings College and other universities are, then did an open top bus tour around the city. We had a lovely day. Didnāt take many photos, but did get one of the mathematical bridge made of wood with no fixings only held together by pressure and gravity.
Hi Neil,
I think dealing with grief alone is probably the hardest thing to do. Not having any support, understanding, doing normal everyday things, being part of the family I thought I was accepted in. Turns out mam was the only one who wanted me to be part of the family. It would help to be able to chat about things we did, things mam said. But I only have my niece and canāt put the pressure on her to comfort me or prop me up. Sometimes I canāt keep it in and the sadness spills out. She doesnāt react when I start crying and I quickly stop myself. I donāt know if its better being alone and able to cry or try to contain it so I can go swimming with her. Sheās busy so Iām on my own in the next few days. Just have no motivation to even try and fight against it by going swimming myself. I donāt see the point in it. Iāve done it a few times and its so boring with nobody to chat to.
Your mams chair will become like a shrine to her, representing happy times before she left. Being normal. We donāt have that now and I doubt we ever will. Itās like existing now, not living, trying to get through because what is the alternative? I canāt imagine a lifetime without my mam. These 8 months have been hell. She passed exactly 8 months ago today - 25th Nov. I didnāt even realise until now. Itās the worse thing that has and ever will happen to me. Itās too hard. I just donāt want to be here without her. I know I have moments where I am engaged and hopeful but it doesnāt last and all I have is emptiness. Maybe it was always there but mam filled it because she was such a loving mam. She gave me such a happy childhood. I wish I could thank her for that. I wish I could have given her happiness in return.
Mam had her covid jab not long before she left. If we had known what would happen she wouldnāt have moved into the assisted living. She didnāt want to and I didnāt know until it was happening. And even then I said it wasnāt too late to stop it. She was so upset seeing her sofa being cut down because it couldnāt fit through the door. So much stress in the months before she left. She didnāt get to enjoy the new place because she was so ill and there was covid restrictions. I know there are so many heartbreaking stories and I should be thankful that she was made comfortable on morphine and we were all there with her. But itās no comfort because the sadness is so overwhelming. It feels like Iām drowning in it.
Iām so frightened at the thought of being on my own. Iād rather not be here than face that. I think I should just stop seeing my niece now because it will be harder if Iāve enjoyed doing things with her and then she goes. I watched a programme about loneliness in retirement when a partner has died. That is my life now. I donāt know how Iāve ended up like this. Mam made everything feel like it was worth it, whatever I did. I miss her so much. I just want her to come back.
Take care,
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
Youāll see from my post to Neil how upset I am again. Itās mam but also the stress of being ignored by my sister (donāt even know where she is) and my dad not wanting anything to do with me (because I am so upset about mam). None of it makes sense. Nothing has happened to cause a rift. My dad left a message saying he has to go for a biopsy because the bladder cancer might have come back and that he thought I would want to know. He was having treatment before mam and was in remission. People live for years with it. So he wants nothing to do with me but then wants me to know that. And this is the reason my sister is now going to move over there. I used to take both my parents for all their hospital appointments and treatments as well as whatever needed doing. So I did everything, for years. I donāt know where the anger towards me comes from. Maybe he needs a lift and thatās why heās telling me. I just canāt deal with missing mam, being thrown away because Iām so upset and then expected to fit back into the role I played before it all happened. I just donāt want to be here. I canāt deal with being treated the way I have been and then expected to come running.
Your lovely day out reminds me of day trips to visit places as a kid or teenager. I was always so bored. I wish I could revisit all those times now. I didnāt appreciate the things mam did for us all and just took it for granted because that was normal. Why was I such a brat? I wish I was someone else, better than me, just to make mam happy.
Iām so desperately unhappy. I just want my mam.
Lots of love xxx
@NEILB72ā¦sorry to hear you havenāt been feeling well and hope youāre feeling better now (or at least on the mend) and appreciate you taking the time to pop on here.
I agree with you when you say people donāt understand the physical impact grief and anxiety have on the body. The tiredness, stomach pains or basically every part of the body in pain, absolutely exhausted but canāt relax or switch off and in my case I get more extreme hypochondria and obsessional about irrational things x
I canāt go see Thor anything Chris Hemsworth is in as that was mumās favourite so just a bit raw for me but I believe itās good and will watch it one day. Did hear that about Cineworld too which is a shame but their prices are a bit ridiculous x
Hope your meeting with UC goes well today and let us know what you chose to go see.
Take care and lots of hugs x
Iām all good lol x
Iāll see tomorrow if I can change a shift.
x however I think she still wins as I will not cook him fresh chicken lol x
x
when you say people donāt understand the physical impact grief and anxiety have on the body. The tiredness, stomach pains or basically every part of the body in pain, absolutely exhausted but canāt relax or switch off and in my case I get more extreme hypochondria and obsessional about irrational things x
x