Hi everyone.
Just thought I’d check in. First of all I’ve had several people say I’ve lost weight so I weighed myself and I’ve lost a stone and a half. I had planned to lose some but not unintentionally like this through anxiety and worry. I knew I had as my jeans felt looser. Keeping an eye on things and maybe give my GP a visit ( which is still a joke where I am ). My work coach said straightaway that I had lost weight . I suppose other people can .
Went to the cinema while I was out and chose Nope which has fantastic reviews. A mixture of scifi , horror and western it was really good. Jordan Peele the director who directed Get Out and Us. By the way Nope is referenced throughout the film but means Not Of Planet Earth.
Sending love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Glad you went and enjoyed the film and I didn’t expect Nope to stand for that lol x
I was speaking to friends about self care after my counselling session last week and I had no idea what was actually meant by that so have been journaling it all week so maybe you could try that too…a wee bit TLC once a day to yourself. May not put on weight (unless you chocolate eclairs every day lol) but may remind you every day that you are so important and the worst offender for ignoring ourselves is us.
Not any feedback from the job applications you sent. If not I wouldn’t lose hope as some companies are so slow at getting back to people 
x
Have a lovely night and look forward to to your show on Saturday.
Take care of yourself and chat soon 
x
Hi Neil,
Think of tackling your GP as an ongoing battle with the end goal probably a telephone consultation like mine a month away. I find the reception staff hardest to deal with because they are so defiant in not giving me what I need. I complained about them over a year ago and should have an answer by Sept from the Ombudsman. Don’t know why they have such a bad attitude towards people who clearly are going there for help. So don’t leave it, especially if people are commenting on your weight loss. Not looking forward to pooing in a kit but if it rules another thing out then it must be done. You might have to do that too.
So pleased you enjoyed your film. Liked the actor in ‘Get Out’. Not into westerns or scifi but love horror. And is it this weekend you have your theatre booked? Enjoy it. I know you will. It will give you a boost.
Hoping to get to the pound shop today for spiky plants if my niece is able to go with. She’s juggling to fit me in with going swimming with her friend.
I chatted with sis up north (by text) and she’d having to take time off work and have counselling and more medication because she can’t function basically with mam and then her friend at work. She was very defensive of dad, saying how he’s not coping well with grief. She doesn’t care how horrible he was to me for no reason. I refuse to treated badly and for no reason. She also defended my sister ignoring me because I wasn’t on her side (I’m not on anyone’s side) about that situation and no concern for me being left totally isolated when they move away. There is simply no love or care towards me. I should be used to it but I’m always really shocked that I am so disliked. I think mam really protected me.
Must dash so I’m ready if my niece contacts me.
Lots of love xxx
Hello Christine
How are you feeling today?
It’s difficult when you are plagued by worries about your health. I find I’m more like that now. I think it’s all part of loss. It’s more complicated for you as you’ve been through some tough medical stuff. Do you have swelling on any other part of your body? I know a side effect of cancer surgery is swelling but as you’ll know it’s more commonly the limbs that are affected. I’ve read you have Fibroids, is that something that disperses over time or do you have to have surgery? I understand they are very common but don’t really know much about them.
Did you say you’d been to Aldi? (I can’t be sure to remember anything correctly these days). How was it as I know you are an online shopper normally. Is it something you’d like to switch to every now and again or do you find it a bit overwhelming. I would do an Amazon Morrisons shop now and again but find the prices are just sky rocketing so bite the bullet and go to Asda. It’s just a 15’minute walk but I make sure it’s either at the crack of dawn or late at night when there’s no one around.
Sorry to hear your doctors are making things more difficult for you. I was a doctor’s receptionist once and it’s not something I would ever consider again as their protocol would change on a daily basis and the patients would never know where they were. All these electronic admin and phone systems they have now yet common sense, management and competence is just half the level it was.
Have you heard from your family since yesterday? Does the one from the North have any sons/daughters. If I remember correctly is she the one that’s ok with you? It’s such a shame she’s a long distance away. Do you think going to see her for a couple of days would help. You could take Porcha but I can understand you’d worry about your home being empty. It’s so emotionally lonely being at odds with family/siblings. I have to let such a lot of things go at the moment because my brother isn’t mentally stable and could take drastic action if I retaliated. It’s not just the grief that’s had this effect. He’s always had a temper but the grief has accentuated it. I’d rather have a poke in the eye with a pointy stick than some of the cutting comments I’ve had from him this week in all honesty. Still that’s enough of me going on about that, but I do understand how it makes you feel.
I admire you for making your Autumn garden plans as that’s something I have never been able to find motivation for. I think it’s because I just associate plants/flowers/colour with sunshine and warmth. I didn’t get any flowers on one of the roses, it must have be too young yet. It’s thanks to you I have the roses as I was inspired by you talking about yours!
Well. going to have a coffee. Speak soon. Much love xxx
Hi Christine
I just clicked “send” on my message and then noticed you’d messaged at roughly the same time so apologies if I’ve asked anything I have spoken about!
So not into prickly plants but I hope you find something that’s tickles your fancy, as they say!
Hi Neil
Apologies for replying on Suzanne’s reply Sorry to hear that you’ve been having a few weight concerns. I’ve gone the opposite and put weight on. In fact I could do with one of those pet plates with knobbly bits in that’s designed to stop dogs wolfing all their food down in one go! Maybe I’m an emotional eater, but if that’s the case Ill never be full so maybe I should hide the biscuits now.
On top of your loss there’ll be pressure as well from UC as it can be an anxiety-inducing experience.
Hope things level out. I think two stone loss after a life changing event is quite common but like you say, best to keep an eye on it.
xx
Hi Christine
Yes just keeping an eye on things at the moment. Did think I had lost some when I did my belt up on my jeans . My GP reception staff are the same. A lot of others have the same opinion as they have a 1.9 rating on their website.
We had lots much needed rain yesterday and today it’s back to being sunny again.
The lead actor in Nope was the same as Get Out, Daniel Kaluuya . Really good actor and even though he’s English he always does a good American accent.
Looking forward to my play tomorrow!
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina
No need to apologise . It’s nice we keep an eye on each others posts.
I had been aiming to lose some weight but this has happened unintentionally without extra exercise or cutting down on different foods. If Mum could see me she would notice straight away. People dont realise the impact bereavement makes.
Actually my work coach at UC is very understanding mainly because he lost someone in recent years. They are not all crap. The agency where I go to for some help with my CV and extra job search, my advisor there is good too. It is nice to have people that actually listen to me because a lot of others dont.
Hope your Friday is as good as it can be
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
Feeling a bit better today (not cried yet) but just so exhausted. Will go to the pound shop with my niece later if I don’t fall asleep. She’s swimming with her friend. Going to Aldi with her (20 mins drive) inspired me to go back for the spiky plants at the pound shop (spotted them outside). I already have them, or similar, so if I get 3 it will fill in the area of the old shed and I still have more things waiting to get planted up. I’ll do that when I get back to having some energy. Then I’ll see about more roses. Autumn is the best planting time because the soil is still warm but we don’t have the high temperatures so they can settle in over winter, or that’s the theory. I’m so pleased you’re inspired too. Mam loved her roses and that’s why I got so many, so that any that didn’t take could be easily replaced. It’s a half hearted attempt at the mo. Just not inspired at all. Feel very lost and empty. It was mams 8 month yesterday and I didn’t realise. Still doesn’t seem real. If I could click my fingers to be with her I would. To leave everything behind (not Porscha) would be very freeing than to keep facing each day with the same battle of wanting her back
It was nice texting my sis but she is so defensive of dad being grief stricken and disregards how nasty he was to me for no reason. She’d had too take more time off work and has her friends funeral today from work so she’ll be in bits again. She not coping well. But dad’s not screaming and shouting at her to get over it like he did me. He’s not done it to my other sister either. Just me. For no reason. Nothing happened. No arguement. He’s been angry at me since mam left. I won’t tolerate him doing that to me. So leaving me that message about the bladder cancer coming back (needs a biopsy and the treatment will be ongoing and he will eventually be in remission again) is not enough for me to disregard how he has behaved towards me. My sisters wouldn’t tolerate it either. So I’ll be getting pressure to take him for his treatments because I’m the only one who can drive and is here. I will not be bullied. He has never explained or apologised for treating me like shit.
I had forgotton that you were a GP receptionist. I’ve finally got them to post the blood test form and stool kit after arguing by text with them about my agoraphobia (re cannot collect it or have niece do it for me). It’s just to rule cancer out for the swelling and pains in stomach. I did just think it was grief but because the pains have never gone it’s being investigated. I’ve never had health troubles until this. It makes no sense. Haven’t got a clue about fibroids and why I have them after menopause. I know its a common thing and not to worry about. I have a real fear about getting old and becoming incapacitated and at the mercy of others. Always thought I’d die young.
Going out to Aldi and not having a panic attack made me hopeful at doing it again. I only ever shop Morrisons / Amazon delivery and I was shocked at what I’m paying in comparison. But I can’t guarantee I won’t have a meltdown and have to run away next time. Quite looking forward to going out this afternoon but that could change. Can never gage my anxiety and tiredness.
Your brother sounds really explosive with his anger. Best not provoke him but it will become a real problem the longer he is allowed to get away with it. He’s a bully. So is my dad.
Just thinking of the Autumnal planting, I always do winter pansies in baskets and pots. They make a lovely colourful display and the flowers remind me of little faces. Always makes me smile. They’re good over the winter into Spring. I also tried hardy ‘Mums’ (the bushy daisies in rust, reds, yellows) but they died. Ivy is a good one. Love ivy. I have two large pots to transfer into the garden (sweet williams and wallflowers) so will fill those and the bathtub at the top with the roses now that the nasturtians are finished.
I got another blog finished yesterday so I’m being productive again, though feeling quite spaced out and disconnected to what I’m doing, going through the motions. I’ll do an article on creating a shrine and have it listed for mams first anniversary on 25 Nov. It won’t be specifically about mam but inspired by her. A ‘how to create’ guide to be adapted to whatever theme the readers want to create. The blogs are to formula with pics so easy to do. Again it’s just filling in time, but I do feel better for achieving something in my day because I’m not in the garden.
I know I’ll get the garden done (fences etc) but I just don’t have the push in me at the mo. Covid is really taking its toll. Haven’t even got the energy to be annoyed.
I’ll take pics of whatever I get at the pound shop.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
I think receptionists now must have training in being arsy to patients. If it was run as a business and overseen by a body who would cut funding if they didn’t perform well they’d soon stop the attitude. The Ombudsman is so overwhelmed by complaints and it has to be specific to criteria for them to investigate. I’ll be interested in what they come back with.
I was just saying to Tina I’m looking forward to getting out for plants but it isn’t with my usual enthusiasm. Feel so depleted and drained of energy. But if I get plants I’ll have to force myself to get back out there again. Having a garden really is a huge commitment. I was watching the best gardens thing last night with Zoe Ball (don’t know the others) and the effect it has on me is really mixed. I was always inspired by what others do but it also makes me wonder why I bother with mine because it will never be as good as theirs. I’m very competitive usually but just feel so bloody tired of life with the struggle of each day.
I think Tina’s right about the weight loss being part of grief. I don’t eat much and can’t understand why I’m so swollen, hence the investigations. I used to be anorexic, size 0, skin and bone. Lived like that for years. It was only when I started eating that I got breast cancer (twice). So I associate eating and food with cancer. It’s very addictive not eating but I don’t seem to have the willpower now. And I didn’t have energy for much at all and slept a lot. Are you eating regular meals or just bits? I’d rather take a pill than have a meal. Just have no interest in food or cooking or the whole social thing attached to it (going out to eat). But I do love a McD’s, crisps and choc and icecream. I’m still a child basically !
Looking forward to your pics tomorrow. Will post mine if I get out later. Might have a snooze now. Just can’t stay awake.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Good to hear that despite the crappy things there’s some lighter bits like going to Aldi and the Poundshop etc. You may not do it all the time but that’s ok, just when you feel upto it is good enough in itself.
Been flipping digging all afternoon. We had a tree and it was chopped down to a three foot height. It’s Ash and was 45 years old but roots are frightening. They had gone under the outbuildings and will have got to the house but the soil is clay so that’s another problem that’s making things worse. I try to keep Zoe in the house as she’d want to “help”. I had this sequence whereby I’d shut her in the hall, run the tap in the kitchen so she couldn’t hear me opening the kitchen back door through to the garden but that lasted all of one week. She now knows when I run the tap what that means and barks till I let her outside. Which I have to do or she won’t stop and I’ll have the dog wardens on the door!
Lovely idea about the Shrine.
xx
Hi Tina,
I certainly don’t envy you digging that clay. As you know I have it and its a nightmare. Can imagine Zoe ‘helping’. She’d have great fun. Can imagine the state she’d get in too. They aren’t daft. She knew what was happening with the tap long before you realised! But keep going with the digging. It’s a mammoth task but will be worth it in the end. A section at a time.
Have been asleep most of the day again. Didn’t get to the pound shop or see my niece but I did get out for maybe 30 mins, swept some leaves (very Autumnal) cut back the wallflowers and collected the seeds, took the crochet canopy down and washed it. Little things but it was something. Noticed the snails have been feeding on Hilda in the big pond. It’s strange that I wasn’t upset. I think I’m so drenched in grief for mam that nothing else compares on that scale. Sadness is there but death is now the end game for us all. It’s become so close it’s in my thoughts every day. I just keep thinking about getting through the day to evening and then I can sleep and be free of it for a bit (about 4 hours). I think to die will free us all of the daily struggle we didn’t understand existed before. Mam is always with me, remembering her at various ages and living in different houses. I miss things from years ago that I’d never thought of until mam left. It is a world in the past. I feel like I have no future. I’m just waiting to join her. Nothing else matters.
Sorry for being so morbid. I can’t seem to climb out of it. Having no energy means I can’t do anything to distract me and fill up my day. I want to start on my shrine blog but I can’t seem to settle. I’ve lost my drive that had perked up and now is gone again.
Keep digging. You’ll get there. I feel so guilty about not getting out to water the garden. Don’t want it to die after all the hard graft it took to create. Very enthused and then disappointed to watch the gardening programmes tonight - Carol Klein and then Gardeners World, though I don’t know where Monty has gone. Hope he hasn’t died. Their gardens and the people featured have such splendid flowers and colour. Might just stick a load of trees and plants in rather than flowers to replace what I have lost.
Don’t know whether I still have a temperature or that the bedroom is red hot. Porsch is screaming in the kitchen. I always get a fright when she does that. She had treats earlier and now won’t eat her chicken.
Hope to get to the shop tomorrow for the spiky plants.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Yes I’ve kept on eating regular meals as normal so that practically proves it’s the grief that’s made me lose weight.
Bank Holiday again and that has become incredibly difficult but hoping my theatre trip this afternoon will help get me through till next week in a more positive frame of mind. Did book another show yesterday for next month so there is something to look forward to .
Hope your weekend is as good as can be
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Didn’t realise it’s a bank holiday. Feeling a bit more positive this morning. Porsch was up early and I had a visit from the cat along the doors. Popped in for some chicken so that was a nice start to the morning. Been thinking of the garden and getting the trellises finished. Doesn’t seem as huge a task as it seemed before. I think feeling unwell had depleted whatever motivation I had but I’m feeling less overwhelmed. Creep will probably be at home though so won’t get out there today. Will see if niece is available to get the plants I wanted. And maybe a swim later. Not sure yet.
Pleased you have something booked up and enjoy this afternoon. There’ll be lots to look forward to in the run up to Christmas too. I know that seems a long way off but it’s not really. I always started getting little bits in for Christmas when the kids went back to school. Miss mooching around the charity shops and car booties.
Looking forward to your pics.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
We’ve been spared all the bank holiday stuff up here as not Scotland but just wanted to say enjoy your show today and look forward to the photos x
Hi Suzanne,
Just saying hello and enjoy your volunteering. Did you get time sorted to do the bats course. Sounds really interesting.
Haven’t been in the garden all week apart from sweeping some leaves. Still a bit wobbly but on the mend. Creep at home but hoping to get trellises up next week. Have you made a start yet on painting the fences? You’ll have to check the forecast for sun. Still in the mid twenties here.
Did you see my posts about Elsie? Didn’t get her any new friends in the end, advised against it. But she’s loving her mew plant and moss balls. She seems happy enough. And the eel is being munched by the snails in the big pond. Sad to see him but its the natural process rather than burying him in the ground.
Enjoy your garden before the weather turns.
Lots of love xxx
Evening everyone
Haven’t long got in from my theatre trip. Engineering works meant I had to go to Victoria and use the tube then when I came home had a long wait for a train then another long wait as a signal failed !
Anyway it was a tremendous play . It was called All Of Us and it was yet another visit to the National on the South Bank. All three of their shows this summer were excellent but this has the edge.
Francesca Martinez who has cerebral palsy wrote and starred in the play and she was brilliant. She has been on TV quite a few times. There were other disabled actors in the play too. It was about how people with disabilities or people who are not well off because of life changing events and the welfare state and care system against them . There was a suicide in it too and a great start to Act 2where an actor played the local MP who was also the minister for work and pensions. They put the actors in with the audience and it was like a real life debate and highlighted the injustice that disabled people get through funds being cut and not being listened to. I thought of Dad as he had a disability and the trouble we had with the carers system and the way some used to treat him. That’s why I took over and did it myself.
Just thought I would put this post up as promised.
Sending all love and best wishes
Neil x
By the way I had another brilliant seat . Front row within touching distance for a tenner . Got it as a Friday Rush seat last week !
Hi Neil
Despite all the hassle with public transport, sounds like you had a good day, and brilliant seat for £10.
I’ve seen Francesca on live at the Apollo and various chat shows etc she very good.
I’ve never been but one day I would like to go to the Edinburgh Tattoo, always watch it on TV, always a reminder of one year ending new school year about to start.
Sending love
Debbie X
What a lot of hassle travel wise but glad it didn’t spoil your play/day out.
I’ve seen her in the tv panel shows and love her quick wit x
Thanks for posting the photos and canna ask for a better seat at such a great bargain price 
x
Hope this evening and tomorrow find you well and glad you had a great day
Hi Christine:)
It’s looking unlikely that I’ll be able to do the bat course/volunteering this year as they want me to do a training day and I’m working both days and so may have wait until next spring 
X
Yeah I teach you were advised against getting more fish and must admit I would have advised the saw but with moss balls etc you’ll be able to feed shrimp etc so who knows what they might invite x I don’t think I had realised you had left the eel in the pond. Although a great idea please watch your water quality doesn’t deteriorate too quickly as decaying fish is one of the reasons that ammonia spikes and that can cause awful issues with the water. I may have misread/misunderstood as I don’t have my glasses on lol x
Back to work tomorrow but got a Beaver watch up at the Loch on Wed night and then going to see Sarah Millican on Thursday. It was mum who wanted to go see her but I’ve invited Wendy to go with me and know she would approve so we’ll see.
Better get to bed for work tomorrow so will chat more tomorrow. Until then take care and sleep well 