Hi Neil,
I’m all for giving the ‘underdog’ a voice in whatever context. Wonder what reviews it got because of the delicate subject matter. Not surprising it really hit home for you with your dad. Must have stirred up a lot of anger and injustice. Using theatre as a platform to give a voice to conditions which were hidden away not that long ago shows how far we have come. Still a long way yet. Great that the audience was interactive with a real debate. Fabulous! And another front row seat. You are so jammy! Annoying about the travel chaos but you got there and that’s what counts. Pleased you enjoyed it. I’m sure you’ll have been thinking of your dad afterwards but remember all that you did for him. He’ll be so proud of you. You should be proud of who you are! Some people have no help and don’t know what to do and miss out on what they are entitled to. It’s so wrong that the system isn’t transparent, not advertising what people are entitled to on tv. The government must save millions in unclaimed benefits people are entitled to.
I know is not exactly the same but I’m intrigued by the epidemic of homelessness in America because of the lack of a care system. Shit happens in life and events spiral out of control. The hidden homeless include people working full time jobs and living in their cars because the housing market is so overpriced. An alternative lifestyle is to live in a van for those who can afford it, blogging their journeys as they travel around, freeing up living costs because they have no mortgage or rent to pay. And then you have the mix of real poverty, mental health and physical incapacities which deteriorate quickly into a downward spiral of drink, drugs etc. I’m fascinated by the human condition and the effects of an unstable environment. I watch updates of Soft White Underbelly most evenings. There are others too who document the struggle on the streets.
I noticed your Autumnal leaves in a pic. My garden is full of them. It’s strange seeing it. Didn’t get out there or for the plants today. Started my blog on how to create a shrine for mam’s one year anniversary in Nov. Hope I can have it listed on the day. Can be adapted to whatever theme the reader wants but shows the layering effects of colour, light, grouping objects and dispersing pattern. Got too upset and had to leave it. But I’ve made a start.
Had to have another snooze again. Seems to be a pattern now. Just can’t shake it off. Suppose this is the effects of covid. Hope next week will be productive. Can’t quite believe we are at the end of the summer. Felt quite cool out when I got Porsch in. She refuses to come in so I have to go out there with my torch.
Hope to get to the pound shop but it probably won’t happen. Will just play it by ear if my niece is free.
Take care hun,
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
That’s a shame about the bats but you are a busy girl and have to fit it in as best you can. Hope you see a friendly beaver on your watch.
Didn’t realise about the eel making the pond water bed. Will remove him tomorrow. The snails have had a good nibble. Thought it was a natural way of him becoming one with nature. Still wondering whether to get shrimp again. The eel ate all of the last lot.
You are lucky going to see Sarah Millican. She’s filthy! and probably my fave comedian along with Micky Flanagan (hilarious). Doesn’t matter how often I watch her I’m always laughing my head off. She’s fabulous. Will look forward to that coming on telly or netflix or whatever. Enjoy it hun. Your mam will be laughing along side you.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
Maybe’s book up for The Tattoo as a retirement gift to yourself. Be something to look forward to. Be proactive in everything you want to do. My mam wanted to see The Tattoo and go on a train journey around Scotland but left it too late and was unable to go due to health reasons and then simply ran out of time. They were going to do the train excursion for her 80th as a treat.
When do you start back? That will be a reality check, getting up in the dark. Because I haven’t been in the garden in the last couple of weeks I’ve missed the transition to early evenings and it feels like a bit of a time warp. Hope to get out there next week and finish the trellises but I still have so little energy and was asleep again today. Need to get out of this routine I’ve become accustomed to.
Enjoy the rest of your summer hols. Have you started the swimming yet? That’s something I need to get back into again.
Lot of love xxx
Hi Christine.
I’m really sorry your plans didn’t work out. That’s a shame.
I can see you say you’ve been tired a lot recently. I’m the same as well. There hasn’t been a day go by that I haven’t just fallen asleep when I shouldn’t. Everything aches like it does when you have flu, that’s why I thought I had COVID again. But I just can’t be bothered with anything, and I have been very tearful as well so Im thinking in my case there is a touch of depression involved. I did manage to go to the next town to have a look at Home Bargains but when I got there I had zero interest and if anything felt detatched . I had to go through the village that Mums cousin lived in before this cousin passed away and someone had moved into her house. It was really sad as that house has been in her family for generations and now someone else is sitting in her lounge, how can that just happen. Just found that incredibly sad. I also visited the Churchyard and again just felt that this wasn’t happening to me. It’s an awful sensation. Everything in life just feels tainted and fake in some ways. Still can’t believe it’s all real and I certainly understand when you describe how you are feeling.
I’m not exactly cheering anyone up am I! If anything I’m a bit of a bad influence as I always seem to be on a downer. Mum would often say I was a doom-spreader and I don’t think I could disagree on that score! Supposed to be going to the Churchyard again today as my Sister asked if I wanted too. I got a lovely bright yellow Chrysanthemum in pot but it wasn’t a good idea in this heat so don’t know if I should take it.
Its such a shame everyone’s gardens have parched. I think there’ll be a lot of people that probably think the same with the gardens that I’ve seen alone. I think even Earth is getting tired and worn out.
I hope you get to go to the shops for the plants. Look forward to seeing a picture or two of them.
I’m going to put the washer on so I’ll pop back later.
Hope things are a bit better for you today too
xx
Hi Neil.
Great photos and the play sounded very interesting. You have quite a varied taste in shows. A good thing as you’ll never be stuck for possibilities. What a pain with the public transport but nice that you didn’t let it spoil your day. I used to find the trains were either bang on time or massively late. No little in-between delays of 10 minutes or so!
Hope you have a good day today
xx
Hi all.
Sorry I’ve not posted much. Being back at work is harder going than I thought and still not back to full time! Start that from 5th September. As well as first day back at school and first day in new nursery…
This has been a month of firsts. Both the girls birthdays and my birthday and also the 6 month mark. As well as trouble at work and I’ve got myself into quite a low mood.
Neil the theatre trip looked good and funnily enough I saw her in an episode of extras the other night. I’m sure she was in Grange Hill from many years ago? Maybe I’m wrong. Have you managed to get a doc app?
Christine I hope you’re ok. I’ve missed talking to you but will have a catch up on the posts. I love a visit to the pound shop… except not much of it is a pound anymore!
Tina you so make me laugh. Dog food thing you said about getting for yourself. Grief definitely has physical side effects. I didn’t eat well for a long time. Better now and seem to of put on all I lost quite fast and a bit extra on top…
Suzanne I hope you have a good day at work and hope you’re ok. My mum loved Sarah Millican.
Beki and Lucy sending love and I hope Jane and Michelle are as ok as can be too.
Lots of love to you all
Nic xxx
Hi Tina,
Is it covid do you think? I’m still tired but feeling more positive to get to the pound shop today with my niece. Thinking that the spiky plants can be underplanted with ferns. Have the area still to do where the shed was. A huge task but when I look at what I’ve done this year the garden is transformed, much like yours with the out buildings coming down. Have you made any plans for the space left behind? Will have opened up your garden I can imagine. I was thinking again of that very hot spot in the garden where the shed was and wondering about a small greenhouse. Not sure whether to just plant up and get it finished.
Being tearful is all part of the course with feeling ill. Doesn’t take much. I feel so emotionally fragile at the mo that anything can set me off. That feeling of having no interest and feeling detached is a protective thing, distancing ourselves from the pain. It’s good though that you got out and got a lovely plant. If you are able to plant it in the ground around your mam’s grave and give it a good water it should be ok. And if you go back again in a few days to water it it will survive. Or you could wait until the weather cools in a couple of weeks. Don’t know what the winter’s going to be.
It’s very sad seeing your mam’s cousins house being lived in by someone else. It’s the security we grow up with of what family is that’s been taken away. The house represented that and happy times. Understanding it doesn’t make it better. I often think of the old aunties from years ago up north, visiting them when I was little at weekends, the hustle and bustle of a busy kitchen, all the yummie things to eat.
I’ll catch up with my niece and see what’s happening about the move. The uncertainty is hard to put down. Wherever they move to I’ll be left alone and unable to do anything myself. Will try to keep swimming but not sure if I can. But if I stop I’ll only leave the house for therapy once a week for one hour. That makes me virtually housebound. My sister obviously doesn’t care (she totally understands because she used to be my carer years ago) and my other sister is just defensive of dad who was horrible and didn’t want anything to do with me after mam. That bond within the family only existed through her. She was the glue.
Will work on my shrine blog today. If I have a goal it gets me through the day. And I’m looking forward to the new drama’s starting on tv. There’s a couple of them.
Made some batches of soup yesterday and will make more today. I must be on the mend!
Your bright yellow chrysanth has inspired me to start planning my Autumn planting. Have to wait until after the weekend for the creep to go back to work for me to get out there. Think I’ll move the fishtanks of water from the patio and open it up. Every small change has an impact.
It’s good that you are going with your sis to the churchyard. Feeling numb and going through the motions may never go away because it’s so painful but going there is better than not. I would feel guilty I suppose if I didn’t go because it was too upsetting. That’s why I forced myself to go to the funeral, whatever state I was in (could barely stand up). Whatever we do or don’t do now is a fine line because we are so fragile. So recognise the achievements you make, however small they may be.
Will take pics of my plants and post back later.
Lots of love xxx
HI Nic,
I was just saying to Tina, whatever we achieve now should be commended because it is such a fine line between doing and not doing. Getting back to work full time will be tough I can imagine, and juggling the girls. Those ‘firsts’ are painful without our mam’s. Everything is. But routine can be a comfort, of having time set out as we travel through our day. The covid has really wiped me out. I’m sleeping during the day and have so little energy but I’m feeling better than I was. Did you sort the work thing out with the bullying? That’s what it sounded like to me. That must be hard, facing the world again and having to be productive. How do you do it? I’m sitting here in tears again for no reason at all. Forcing myself to function is hard when I’m the only one who notices when I’m not. It should be a relief to have the girls back at school after entertaining them over the summer.
Feels so odd that we are looking at September next week. How did we get here? Mam loved doing her Autumnal planting and I’m trying to motivate myself into thinking about it. Her first year anniversary is on 25 November and I just can’t understand how she’s been gone all that time. I ache for her to come back. I’m doing a blog on how to create a shrine in her honour and hope to get it listed on the day. They’re amazed that I’m even trying to produce work given the state I’m in. But I feel better for achieving something real. It’s really upsetting to do but I’ll just keep going back to it. I’d give anything to have her back and for life to return to normal. Going to the pound shop for plants this afternoon but there’s no excitement about it. It’s like I’m only doing it for something to do. But I’m hoping it will encourage me to get planting again.
Do you think taking anti depressants in the short term would help get you on an even keel again? My sister has had to take more time off work again because her friend died. It was the funeral Friday. So close after mam (8 months). She was planting up her garden when she contacted me and it was nice texting. She didn’t want to chat. My dad left a message about his bladder cancer possibly returning (has to have a biopsy) so that leaves me really angry after how nasty he was for no reason (screaming and shouting that I have to get over mam and stop hiding in my grief, that I will have a miserable, miserable life) and obviously I’m upset. I took both my parents for all their hospital treatments and appointments. I wonder if that’s why he’s contacting me, because I’m the only one who can drive him to / from hospital. There was no apology or explanation. It was like it had never happened. I won’t be emotionally blackmailed after being treated like shit. He’s not screaming at my sister for not coping and taking time off work. She seems to think I deserve how I am treated and that he’s not coping well and so can get away with it. She doesn’t believe that it came out the blue for no reason. He’s been angry at me since mam left. He needs someone to blame and I’m it. I want to die every day so I can be with mam. My life is so empty without her and nobody cares that I am that desperate that I’d gladly not wake up. I have to for Porsch but without her I wonder what the point is in me being awake. I can’t imagine living like this for years and years, empty and alone.
I’ve missed you over the summer. Maybe popping in regularly will help vent some of that work stuff. Having a voice is important and being heard. My family don’t listen to me or accept what I say. So being here is all I have. And my lovely therapist. But I’m terrified he will die and leave me completely alone. I look at people and wonder when they’re going to die and if they have any clue about it, whether death has touched them yet. I wonder what the point is of my existence because I didn’t have children and am alone in life. There is no point to me. sorry Nic, I’m not feeling very positive at all. Been lolling around for too long. Hope to start swimming again and try to get a routine going.
The uncertainty of my sisters move is having a massive impact. Not knowing if, when or where is huge. I wonder if I should stop all contact with my niece now and then I’ll save feeling abandoned all over again later on. The only relief to all of this is sleeping but I’m only managing about 4 hours a night and then during the day. Are you sleeping with being back at work?
Must start getting ready to go. Hoping to see more than just the spiky plants, like Tina’s chrysanths. Will post pics when I get back.
Lots of love xxx
Hello again,
Getting your girls back to school reminds me of the uniform shopping and all the prep with new lunch boxes etc. in getting back to school. I really miss being involved with the children. My little nephew is 9 and I’ve only seen him a couple of times for swimming over the holiday. Mam leaving has torn the family apart. And if / when my sister moves I’ll not see him again. She hasn’t made any effort to keep contact for him. I’m so upset. Nobody cares.
We care Christine. I’ve had to but Georgia a new lunch box as wondering if she’s growing out of princess stage now. She’s 8 today! Let me know what plants you pick up as maybe I’ll plant some this year to go around mums bench. Sending love to you xxx
Hi all,
Still exhausted and didn’t get to the pound shop but have booked a swim for tomorrow and hopefully can go for plants after that. Just can’t shake the tiredness off. It’s like a heavy weight I’m lugging around. Took some pics of the garden with new flowers (not many) but can’t even get round with the hose. Creep has cur back foliage on his side and has been sitting watching me through the gaps of the stems without me being aware of it. He has a chair positioned so he can see me. I’ve shoved the dolls house in front to block his view until I can add boards. Also discovered rats in the loft again so I’ve had to report that. I’m just so tired of my life. Anyway he’s some flowers to brighten your day.
Delighted to see dahlias
and rhudbekia
Green beens are still flowering
and the tobacco plant has flowered again
New rose
and the David Austen is still flowering too with a lovely scent
So sad to see the state of my climber over the new arches (was very lush, like a hedge but the weight was pulling the old arches away and I had to cut away a lot of the bumph inside
Here’s the gaps where the creep watches me. It was dense foliage because I had an awful job getting the fence panel in. I know it doesn’t look much but he’s put a chair there so it’s obvious what he’s doing
I was very disappointed to see my 3 fat peaches have been nicked with one partially eaten (prob. the rats)
Lobelia still flowering
and
Here’s where the rats are getting and waking me up at 6.30 every morning. Between them and Porsch I’m only getting about 4 hours
I removed my eel from the big pond incase he was contaminating the water, filled it up and added some treatment.
Hope to take new pics of the shrine for my blog but have no motivation.
If mam was here we’d be celebrating the bank holiday with a barbie in the old garden. The last one we had it poured down and we had to rescue whatever we could so we could finish eating indoors. The heavens opened. Didn’t know then that it would be the last one. Feel so lost without her. I just want her to come back. If I was still included in the family I would at least be connected to her in a way. I’m so exhausted of feeling this sad. I’m not even bothered that other textile artists are full of busy and I haven’t produced any work. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. But my blog on the garlands is out tomorrow. Will post a link here but can’t bring myself to post on my website. It would feel like I’d moved on if I did that and would be leaving her behind. I feel absolutely useless.
Will post new pics of shrine when I do them.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Thank you for posting the lovely garden pics. Always enjoy looking at them . Shame the pervy creep has been watching you. He really has got something wrong with him.
Having a quiet Bank Holiday . The dreaded Tuesday tomorrow and also 9 months exactly of Mum’s passing to the day. Only seems like yesterday.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Christine
Sorry to hear you didn’t get the spiky plants. If town feels too much for you is there a garden centre close by?
We have trees at the bottom of the garden which now they are taller give no screening at all. Luckily the Virginia Creeper thing has entwined its way round every branch and it’s lush and dense. As a temporary measure you could always pin up some tarpaulin, folded green-side outwards onto the existing area to help with privacy. It’s not pretty, but then neither probably is your next door neighbour. Just a thought!
Been a strange day. Went to Asda thinking I’d have a quiet look around as it would be empty being bank holiday but it was heaving. On the walk down someone was walking towards me and it could just have been my Mum. Kind of disturbed me a bit. Then I got on the car-park and an ambulance was there taking someone to hospital. At least now I don’t have to go tomorrow which is a busy shopping day here.
Myself and brother and sister all went to the Churchyard yesterday after I went the day before. We needed to discuss options for the existing headstone to be restored and altered. I’m surprised WW3 didn’t break out with us all together. Well, my brother took a verbal swipe at me but I didn’t retaliate. The guilt of arguing in the given situation would have finished me off.
I love your tobacco plant. Are they the same as a Nicotiana plant? Do they actually smell of tobacco or am I mixing it up with the chocolate plant although I can’t really remember what they are called. I love the rose as well.
Sorry to hear things aren’t good with your family situation too. It’s just beyond comprehension really and so sad, but it seems so common. It reminds me of something one if the guys said that once came to quote us for this shed demolition. He said whilst the roof is in place it’s stable, it’s holding everything in place. Once the roof is taken off that’s when it becomes unstable and collapse. I know it’s a bit if a weird comparison but it amounts to a similar outcome. I best stop there before I make myself sound a nutcase!
Was reading about your past BH celebrations. They sound such a lot of fun. Never a dull moment by the sound of it. I hope you find some motivation to do some of your textile stuff. You never know, you may feel a bit more energized after you’ve been out tomorrow. I don’t have a “to-do” list, there wouldn’t be any trees left standing by the time I had finished. Maybe it would be better to have a I have “done” list. I have managed to do a fair bit by spending an allotted time on each room then rotating them. It’s not that there’s a lot to do but it’s easy to become distracted once you mind starts to wander so moving around to another room counteracts that a bit.
Well I’ll stop wittering!
xx
Hello Neil
Time is so strange and it’s so hard to measure.
I always think of the day, but not so much the date.
Wishing you some peace for tomorrow.
xx
Morning everyone 
Hope you are all feeling not bad today and that is passes non-eventfully.
Just another day of work for me so better get my arse in gear lol x
Thinking of you all daily and love you photos etc.
Will pop in later and catch up with you all more 
x
Hi Neil,
It keeps me going knowing pics of the garden brighten everyone day just a little. I really forced myself to get out there. Think the creep will be looking for more opportunities of spying now that he can’t see me generally. I was already awake before he went out at 7 because he was creeping around more than usual. I’m attuned to it now. He banged his bucket before he left. Think it was deliberate. I’d managed to block the rat hole at the corner of the roof with fat candles so there’ll be a lot of interest as to what I was doing. I heard camera’s being mentioned and that I’m always on the computer. He’s so nosy that he dragged the rat trap box through the hedge from my garden to see what it was. The rat man was very amused by it. I’ve reported it to the council again (third lot of repairs in a year) and explained that the rat is coming from him (I can hear it pounding along the roof). They must be leaving food out.
Always think of you on a Tues / Wed and having the anniversary is heartbreaking. I was in floods of tears on the 25th, the 8 month mark. I’ve been working on my shrine blog to have it listed as a tribute to mam on 25 Nov when she left. Can’t believe it’s a year coming up. I’m dreading it. It’s really playing on my mind. I just miss her so much. Even posted on her tribute site which I hardly do because it’s so painful. I just want to be with her. It didn’t help with the ending of the summer with the bank holiday. We always had big bbq’s with the kids. I took it for granted because that’s what we did. Didn’t know that the occasions would become cherished like they are. It’s sad to see the barbie just sitting there. Nobody comes here to use it.
Got a blog out today with the mag. Here’s a link for my garden garlands if you want a 5 min read Plastic Garlands (mrxstitch.com)
Seeing my niece today for a swim after therapy. I pick her up on the way and she rides round the park on her bike while I’m in there. Then hoping to get to the pound shop. Hope my spikey plants are still there. Be disappointing if they aren’t.
Have an easy day. I know how hard it is when I can’t do stuff to keep me busy.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
You always manage to make me laugh. The creep is far from pretty! and that makes it worse. He’s such an oddball but the persistence in trying to spy on me always catches me off guard. I was just explaining to Neil about how he’ll have to seek out new ways now the fence is up. I still have to add the trellises on top and have bought bamboo screening to attach so the height is extended but he can’t easily see through the screen. He’s over 6 foot so can just peer over the top. It’s really playing on my mind now because I would have got it all finished had I not got covid. I’ve been out of action for weeks now. I will finish it and have climbers and ivy to add so hopefully the trellis will be on its way to being covered next summer. Don’t have room for a virginia creeper. It sounds so lovely and know it gets beautiful colour in the Autumn.
The changing seasons is upsetting. It’s quite chilly very early on when I let Porsch out. Autumn is just around the corner. Have quite a bit pf planting in to do (things in large pots) so I’m hoping the spiky plants will urge me on if I get them today after swimming with my niece (after therapy). I did enjoy getting round the garden but had to really force myself out there. I’m sure its a tobacco plant with the delicate pink flowers. I got it in the pound shop years ago. My garden is filled with bargain buys. I like to nurture things back to health. Really miss the large B & Q where I got a regular supply of discounts. Not sure where the closest garden centre is here. I always went with mam and dad over at theirs and wouldn’t travel that far just myself. Would be too upsetting to go there and not stop in to see dad.
I completely get that ‘disturbed’ reaction when you see a person that reminds you of your mam. It happens to me all the time. A woman was wearing mams skirt when I came out of swimming. My niece noticed it too. I get really upset seeing elderly people now, especially if they have a walking aid. I can’t stop myself thinking they will die soon. Ambulances are often flying around here but to see them brings it all bring with every trip mam made to hospital on her own during covid. I’m so angry with myself that I thought it was panic attacks because they never found anything wrong on their tests.
I can imagine the three of you together visiting your mam. I think your brothers anger is an outward reaction to being devastated. It’s easier to be angry and lash out than it is to internalise it and actually work through the grief. You did so well not reacting. What does your sister do when that happens? I suppose she ignores it. I can’t ignore things. That’s why I’ve been excluded from my dad and sister (and don’t have contact with both nephews). My niece is the only one who cares and my other sister isn’t coping at all but is very self contained and doesn’t reach out. She’s very defensive of dad and sis and so isn’t on my side. Your description of the roof perfectly demonstrates the family dynamics. I had no clue what was coming. I really didn’t. It’s like I was only part of the family because mam included me.
Hope I can start doing the garden again just so I fill up my day as well as getting jobs finished. It’s when I stop that I completely fall apart and descend into that well of sadness. It’s such an overwhelming and heavy place to be. Desperate for it to end. To be with mam. But Porsch keeps me busy with her demands for chicken and cleaning up her fur balls. Like your rooms in the house, keeping going is what we must do because if we stop we might never get going again. That’s how it feels.
I’ve been working on my shrine blog for mam. That is really hard to do because I can’t stop the crying. But it’s in memory of her. And I know it’s not textile but it is regarded as art installation so I’m pleased I can do it for her first year anniversary. My garlands blog is out today so here’s a link for a 5 mins read
Plastic Garlands (mrxstitch.com)
Will get ready now for therapy. Time is so strange. It was only last week and it feels like ages ago. Just feel so tired.
I always love your wittering so keep it up! Don’t know what I’d do without it!
Will post my spiky plants if they are still there.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
I know you’re a busy girl but if you want a little read in your break here’s my blog on the garlands
Plastic Garlands (mrxstitch.com)
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine, I watched itv news this morning, there was a lady on there that successfully got her neighbour prosecuted for stalking.
She described all the things happened to her as you said the creep does to you.
You must get your camera sorted or just take still pictures of his antics, they said video and photographs are key evidence.
I’ve attached link to all the help that is out there from the government website.
We all worry about you.
On a lighter note I love the photos you have been posting and will look on the link you’ve attached for your blog.
I hope therapy and swimming goes well for you and they still have your spikey plants in the shop.
Sending love
Debbie x
Just looked at your blog, very impressed with it Christine.
Take care
Love Debbie X