Hi Suzanne
Sorry you feel rubbish with having the flu. Yeah, it certainly brings it home doesn’t it when you aren’t well and Mum isn’t around. I hope you rested well with a whisky in your hot lemon and honey.
Hope you are feeling better tomorrow.
Tina x
Hello Christine
Thank you very much for your kind words of support, much appreciated. I hope things are bearable for you right now.
Please don’t feel bad about not having chosen a rose yet for your Mam. It’s not because you haven’t had the will to, it’s probably because you want your choice to be exactly the right one and when there is a lot of choice it’s overwhelming sometimes. I hope you get to the garden centre, you may see something there you’d like there.
I think I’ve done too much sorting and it’s all got on top of me emotionally. Mum has kept all our little sketches from school, doll’s, toys, clothes and bouquet holders from Sunday School walking day’s. Little notes we’d written etc. It was sad because it’s hard to think I was once that child but I haven’t a clue where she went because she’s definitely not the same person now. Maybe that’s just life but I wish I was that child again. These days I feel like I’m two people. One of me is in my past, and I’ve not a clue what the other version of me is doing. Exactly like you say. a “substitute”.
I’m supposed to be going to Blackpool (my married home) on Saturday. Wickes are delivering the fence panels from 7am - 7pm but can’t say when exactly. My sister won’t drive there at weekend so it’s a train, which fills me with dread as I haven’t been on that train station since I lost my Husband. My Brother won’t help me/drive me. I know he works but I’ve helped him with so much stuff it would have been appreciated if he could have made a little gesture.
I’d no idea your Dad lives 20miles away. I don’t know why but I thought he lived just a few streets away. I tell you, I’m losing my marbles. Maybe I’m getting him mixed up with your sister’s.
It’s 3months tomorrow since Mum passed away. May as well be 3years. This week I got a letter from the Bereavement Team at the hospital too so that knocked me for six. I know it’s just a bit longer for you since you lost your Mam, you must wonder how you have survived this far. Keep an eye on the stomach pains Christine. I can understand you feeling how you do about them as I’m exactly the same but you don’t want to be going through any more pain and suffering. You’ve already been there,
Once again, all I’ve done is talk but said nothing!
Wish you well and sending love xx
Don’t know if I said Suzanne but I love those pictures. Photography was once a huge hobby of mine.
Hi Tina,
It’s lovely to hear from you. It must break your heart all over again to have sorted through so much stuff. But imagine how loved you have been for your mam to have kept all those precious things from when you were little. Some people aren’t lucky enough to have been loved like that. I know its unbearable to not have her here but you have her love laid out before you. However she appeared to be in later life you know who she really is inside and has always been so remember that truth and don’t let her illness cloud those memories. She would be happy to know how dearly you are missing her. I’m in tears writing this because I’m missing my mam so much. I still can’t understand why she’s not here. I know the reason but still can’t make sense of it. Whatever I’m doing during the day is filling in time until I’m with her again.
How many stops is it on the train? I don’t understand why your brother can’t go with you for one day. Maybe he takes refuge in his work and keeping busy in order to ‘cope’ and not be emotional. It might be too hard. So is your sister going? It will be quicker than driving so that’s good. I’m sure that I got a 2 hour window text on the delivery day from Wickes for garden stuff so it means you can plan your time on the day. Are you doing the fence panels yourself? I put some of mine up myself (love DIY). It’s good that you can focus on the practical stuff and being back there will be hard but you can do it. The worst things have already happened. You will find the strength and will have a sense of achievement afterwards, however painful it will be. When I went over after mam didn’t come out of hospital it was very surreal, like I wasn’t really there and watching myself there. And remember your time is limited so look at it in segments with a small goal. Do you have all your things there? You could take some clothes back with you. And once you’ve done it you’ll be able to plan another visit. But I understand it must be like moving from one sadness to another. I’ll be thinking of you. I’m not sure if I’ve been to Blackpool. We had many seaside holidays so I probably did but can’t remember. I wish I could recall everything like a film.
I spoke to Dad today and agreed to try to go over Wednesday. It’s my sister who lives 5 mins down the road (she still hasn’t contacted me since beginning Feb). When they lived at the old house it was an hour drive and I would go over every other day to help out (pre covid), I want to live in that time where we spent so much of it in the garden with bbqs and gardening and trips to the car booty. We’d get back and I’d lay everything out on the lawn, like treasure. And if there was anything mam liked she could have it. She loved nice things. I miss sitting at the bottom of the garden on the swing chair under the holly tree. And I’d always go over for Christmas day, dressed up like I was going to a ball. It was my job to bring the puddings and we’d plan it all out with the shopping online. And Boxing Day I’d take my sister and kids. It was chaos! I’ll never celebrate Christmas again. My memory tree is still alive in the garden. I’m hoping it will sprout roots and live there forever with the angel and memory tags. It’s been so long now and I really don’t know how I’ve got here. I still see her smiling at me in her coffin, holding the little buddha. I still want to take her place. She hasn’t visited me even though I pleaded with her. I know she’s not coming and I’ll just have to wait however long it takes to join her. I thought I’d moved forward because I’d started doing stuff but it really is filling an empty void, always waiting to be closer to her. I think the stomach pains are stress.
Let us know how you get on and think ahead to imagine your day, from the train journey getting there to walking through the day into that space you shared with your husband. Imagine him there, smiling at you returning. He will have missed you. Think about taking something back with you can connect the two places that mean so much to you. You will find courage from deep within, even if you feel like a zombie doing it.
All my love xxx
I just thought, you could take pics of the damage and the repairs as well as each room in the house, It might make it a little easier to visit again and plan ahead with decorating or making it feel like a home again. A bunch of flowers, a card to celebrate your return. And remember your tea and milk. It’s the little things that bring us comfort and make it a little easier. x
Hi Tina
Yes you can just call Cruse same as Samaritans, although sometimes they get very busy during certain times of the day and you might have to phone back. I always feel a bit better as it’s good to keep talking . I’ll probably phone later as it helps get me through a Wednesday which is one of my worst days as you know.
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
Turns out that after avoiding it for over 2 years that one of my lovely friends last week has given me the dreaded Covid 
x
I actually feel slightly better today so now have to self isolate for a minimum of 7 days up in Scotland so trying to just take one day at a time.
How are you feeling today? Any less anxious?
Always here for you,
Suzanne x
Well I would love to see some of your photos when you feel up to it and thank you 
x
Hi Neil,
I didn’t know you could phone them either so that’s good to know.
Hope yesterday and today haven’t been too hard on you.
Suzanne x
Hi Christine x
Having just read your post I just wanted to let you know that despite the fact that you are still feeling distraught you do seem a lot more focused sometimes than you have done in the past:
I am glad you’ve spoken to your dad and agree with Tina that choosing the right rose is hard as there are just so many to choose from. The right one will make itself known when the time is right.
I am grateful to having you all here to speak to so thank you 
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne
Firstly, sorry to read you have Covid. Hopefully not feeling too many symptoms and you make a quick recovery.
Yesterday I got through OK but had to phone Cruse and Samaritans because it makes me feel better to talk. It certainly does help. Also had a neighbour come in early this afternoon and he has been in the same situation as me. If you do phone Cruse sometimes you have a long wait or have to phone back as they dont have as many volunteers as Samaritans. The lady on there today was so kind and compassionate .
Theatre day again tomorrow so looking forward to it.
Hope Covid buggers off soon
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Yeah it’s just like a nasty flu and still have my sense of taste/smell so agreed hope it disappears quick lol x
Shame the fact your neighbour is going through loss too but at least you have someone close who can empathise with you.
What’s on for your theatre visit tomorrow then? if you’ve said I’ve missed it lol.
I missed a call yesterday from a local grief/mental health charity offering me an appointment today but by time I phoned this morning the appointment had gone but if someone else needed it more than me this week I certainly can’t grumble.
Let us know how the theatre goes and have a good time,
Chat soon,
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne
Sorry to hear you’ve got the COVID. It serves to remind me it’s still out there as I’m somewhat blasé about it to be honest. Shouldn’t be as I’m no spring chicken, overweight with a past Asthma history. I think all my focus before was to not give it to Mum.
Hope you are on the mend soon.
Tina x
Hi Neil
Just dropping a line to say Hello.
How often do you go to theatre Neil? Where I live it’s just a market town and the Theatre is “Chorley Little Theatre” as it’s just that, small and old. Haven’t been for ages. I remember my sister having been to see John Bishop there. Do you have a genre you always tend to lean towards? It’s certainly an entertaining form of escapism.
Tina x
Hi Christine
I do hope the memory tree roots for you. You’ve done well to keep it going. Is it in a pot or directly in the soil? Do you have any of the pale pink wild roses in your garden. They have thorns like sharks have teeth. Absolutely lethal, but they put on such s lovely show I wouldn’t want to cut them down.
I love hearing your stories of bygone times. We didn’t see how precious those times were did we. Mind you, as a kid it’s not what you think about is it. There was too much fun to be had making dens in the back garden out of wood pieces or whatever it was that took our fancy.
There’s 7 stops on the train to Home, 40minute timewise. I’m really getting more scared now. Very scared. You’ve given me some really good words of wisdom/support and they are much appreciated. I’ll just have to try. Last time I went I was so upset about the condition it was in.
I’ve been racking my brains trying to figure out how to make it looked “lived in” to passers by on the street. I thought I could use a couple of solar lights on the window sill inside. I know they are for outside really but it’s a sunny spot so the sun should still get through the glass. I did have several plug in sensor night lights in place but electric is getting too expensive to pay for in two houses so I’ll have to put my thinking cap on.
Hope the stomach pains abate as well for you.
Much love xx
Hi Tina
I usually go to the theatre about twice every month on average if I can. I feel lucky to live half an hour from central London with so many shows and different theatres to choose from. As finances haven’t been sorted out fully I’m booking later and getting cheaper seats at the moment. Going to see a play at the National Theatre right beside the Thames this afternoon - Small Island which has brilliant reviews as did the book.
Hope your day goes well . Remember I’m always here to support you all
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
I’m up early today for seeing Dad. First time since xmas and on my own. So that’s a long time. It will be so upsetting because he bought new furniture to make it his own place since Mam and I don’t know whether I’ll be able to be enthusiastic and not be able to stop myself crying. I know its silly but it will be like mam isn’t there because her chair isn’t. I’m getting upset thinking about it and don’t want to upset Dad. He’s coping well. So not really looking forward to it and haven’t done that journey alone since Mam was in the hospital and I kept going over. So I’m feeling very anxious.
I know that feeling you have of being really scared for your journey. At least on the train you can take stuff with you to comfort you (chocolate treats!) and distract perhaps (magazine). You could take a notebook to make lists of things to do. It’s a good idea about solar lights for inside. You could place the lead through the closed window and have the solar bit outside in the sun. Check that your curtains are thick enough so people can’t see in when it’s lit up and check how long they light up for. If you can speak to neighbours tell them about it so they don’t think someone is in there when you’re not. Tidying the garden at the front will have the ‘lived in’ look that it’s being kept well. It’s a good job the council do the lawn at the front because I never go out there unless its to the car because of the nosy neighbours. And a solar light at the front would also deter break ins. You can only do so much. But it could be the start of a new routine to enjoy, going over on the train (I used to love visiting my sister up north), doing a bit of Spring cleaning to get you focused on just doing something. I know how hard it’s been for me trying to do housework. Little wins lead to bigger ones. I love a list and to see it ticked off with a rest between jobs makes for a productive day and able to sleep at night.
Did you think of something you would like to bring back with you? What about your camera? That would be a fab project to record the house getting loved again. It’s a real effort for me to record what I do but worthwhile because you can see what you are doing in your recovery journey. I’d love to live by the sea, Are you close by to take a walk? That would be a lovely thing to do, ‘blow away the cobwebs’ as Mam would say. You could tie that into visiting the house, especially as the weather improves. I wish I could do it with you for support. The reality is very different to my fantasy with the anxiety.
If you don’t want to go back to live there yourself you could rent out short term and make an income out of it, though you do have to be careful with nightmare tenants.
I’ll have to get dressed now but I wanted to catch you early so you know you’re in my thoughts. Looking forward to getting my compost and looking at the roses in the garden centre so I can then decide what I’m getting. And some bright red geraniums for the pots I’ve prepared. I love gardening. It’s very therapeutic and I feel closer to Mam because she loved it. A lifetime of creating beautiful gardens.
I’ll let you know how I got on when I get back.
Love to all and I hope Suzanne is pampering yourself because of the covid. Any excuse for extra chocolate! xxx
Hi Neil, Enjoy this afternoon. I’m looking forward to the garden centre with Dad. Been working up to it for ages and finally feel ready to do it. Booking ahead for your tickets makes it extra special when you go. x
Hi Suzanne,
You poor thing! I’m pleased it’s just like a cold and you are able to breath ok. I’m terrified of getting covid and passing it on to Dad, though he’s refusing to wear a mask because the government have told him he doesn’t have to. I’m looking forward to going to the garden centre so will look at roses and get geraniums for my tubs I attached to the table I created out of pallets. I’ll do pics when I’m finished. Have to dash but I’ll post properly when I get back. Have a restful day Love xxx
Hi Christine
Hope all goes well at the garden centre with your Dad. It’s good to have things to look forward to after all that we have all been going through . Let’s hope we all have a good day 
x
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
What about getting a couple of smart plugs for your house? That way you can put lights on and turn them off anytime you want via an app on your phone?
I’ve been thinking of investing in a couple especially for nights I’m not home til late.
Feel worse today but think once I’ve had breakfast and got this PCR test done I’ll be all good ta x
Told my friend yesterday I had it and her reply was ‘oh bummer’…then proceeded to tell me about her new car…not bad considering she cancelled out holiday🤷♀️…I give up lol x
Take care,
Suzanne x