CREATING A SHRINE FOR MY MAM

[Suzanne30]

Hiya Christine:)

As Debbie says your blog is very impressive and I do like the photo of all 4 garlands together as they looks very impressive x

I’m working again in Kirkcaldy tomorrow so have to be out the house for like 6am but have my beaver watch to look forward to tomorrow night so should be fun.
It looks like my bat volunteering will have to wait to next year as doesn’t look like I can get next Wed off to do the training x

Found out an old friend of mine and we haven’t talked for some time won £1000 of travel vouchers through a work lottery so well jealous lol x I did message her to say congratulations which she seemed appreciative of. Was tempted to start talking to her again to see if she would take me on hols but thought that was a bit hard necked x

I agree with Debbie in that video and photos are key to getting evidence against the Creep x
I was sorry to read that your dad seems to think his cancer has returned and I hope for everyone’s sake that it hasn’t x

Going to Wendy’s tonight to watch the second episode of the House of Dragons x

Hope you have managed to have a pleasant day and chat soon x

[Suzanne30]

@NEILB72…you seem to have been quite quiet lately. Hope you are doing ok and that today hasn’t been too hard for you.
I thought I’d you sitting at a roundabout today as the bus next to me had a big advert for NOPE and it made me smile x
Have you seen the videos of the Notting Hill carnival? It seems horrendous and far too many people in one location…just asking for trouble imo.

I’ve got Sarah Millican to look forward to on Thursday as although it should have been mum that was going with me I know she’ll enjoy it through me (it’s what I believe anyway).

I do hope you are doing as well as you can be just now and know you’ll have your friends call tomorrow to help.

Take care of yourself and if you ever just want to vent or have a bad day always here for you x

[Suzanne30]

@MichelleY, @Jane36….haven’t seen either of you post in a while and wondered how you both were doing lately.
Good or bad would be lovely to hear from you xx

[NEILB72]

Hi Suzanne
Just get getting through Mum’s 9 month a anniversary. It’s exactly to the day ( Tue 30th Nov). Did phone Cruse for some support but I dont think the woman on the other end of the phone was really listening. Most of the volunteers are taking calls from home as you can sometimes hear a dog or rattling post and pans. Thankfully my counsellor has been in touch and I can have some more sessions starting next Wednesday . Trying to get it back to Mondays again.
As I posted Sat I saw another terrific play and got another show next week. Enjoy seeing Sarah Millican and I’m sure your Mum will be there with you having a good laugh !
West Ham actually won two matches in a row last week and broken our transfer record! Playing deadly rivals Spurs tomorrow evening.
Got my friend phoning tomorrow so always look forward to that .
Will look forward to hearing about your trip out on Thursday.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x

[christine51]

Hi Debbie,
Thank you for the info. I did contact the police when he drilled a hole in the wall but they wouldn’t help me. Said it was a ‘neighbour dispute’ !!! and because it’s a council house it was the council who would have to deal with it. So I didn’t pursue it. No evidence (no camera in the loft) meant it was a he sad/ she said and of course he denied it, despite the massive hole for the council to repair. They believed me after meeting me and realised I’m not a nut. But even if I was it wouldn’t make it untrue. So all this happened last year (summer) and I wonder if its too late now to maybe contact the other bodies rather than local police. Even my family didn’t believe me and didn’t want me going on about it because I was so furious and upset. I wish he had done something to me so I would then have evidence. To have to live with him next door, and know that his version of events is believed by other neighbours makes me want to hide . I’m waiting for my niece to wipe her old phone so I can set the cameras up again. They aren’t compatable with the phone I have. I’ve tried so many times and just given up. There’s no database for stalkers and behaviour, I’ve tried. But I do have his name from the cencus. I want to expose him for what he has done. But I will check out the info. He might be known to them. You don’t get to middle age and then start doing what he’s done to me.
Glad you liked the blog. I used to write a weekly thing and interview artists I liked and do book reviews. I was telling my therapist I just can’t get back to creating work and he said I need to give myself permission to live without mam and start enjoying stuff again. The garden was filling up my day and I really pushed myself physically to achieve what I did. But that’s not enjoying it. It was like a punishment. I can’t imagine enjoying stuff again. I’m so detached from what I do that it’s like going through the motions, not being present.
I felt better for getting to therapy but didn’t go swimming or for the plants because my niece felt unwell and cancelled. I still feel exhausted and had to sleep when I got home.
Will check out the helplines. I don’t know what he’ll do next and what I can do about the ongoing creepiness. But evidence is key. I just want it all to end so I can be left alone.
Do you have any good things planned before you go back to work? Getting a swimming routine would be good. It’s so refreshing and invigorating . Even a quick couple of lengths after work.
Will let you know how I get on. Thanks again.
Lots of love xxx

[Debbie57]

Hi Christine, it never to late to keep complaining he still harassing you.
I hope the helplines can help you, and give you some good advice and much deserved peace.
I’ve only got tomorrow left before I go back to school on Thursday, so just going to have a chill out lazy day.
It will be full on when I get back to work, September is always a busy month.
Take care
Love Debbie X

[christine51]

Hi Suzanne,
I always laugh when you mention your beaver watch! Google it. It’s such a random interest too. I’m so pleased you’re enjoying it. It takes real motivation to work full time and keep going to your things. Shame about the bats but keep it in mind. Think that will be fascinating. They’re so cute too.
I think you should contact your mate with the travel vouchers and see what her reaction is. You could get a holiday buddy for next summer. And I’m sure picking up an old friendship will be easier than you think. And if not then at least you tried.
I saw in your post to Neil about thinking of him when you saw the poster. I do that, think of you all randomly. It’s nice.
I heard about lots of stabbings at the Nottinghill Carnival and it having to close early. I went a few times and it was fun. You could feel the tension though, like it would break out at any time. Toilets were a nightmare with peeps peeing in doorways on the main street. Fabulous costumes though. They work on them all year for the event.
Enjoy your Sarah Millican. You lucky girl! And I’m sure you’ll have your mam with you, laughing at the filth! One of my fave clips is when her new tenna lady is stuck to her leg and she’s trying to get a bit of air circulating. And the tremendous fart after her massage - ‘‘Is it curry? Is it curry?’’
So looking forward to shaking off this tiredness so I can get back to being busy. We have so much rain coming (from Fri for a week) and I really need the trellises up. Might get up early (not like you and your 6am) and push myself to get something done. Sure I’ll feel better for it.
Enjoy your things and tell us all about it.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Debbie,
It’s so hard to get people to believe that each individual thing is aimed at me but it does build a picture. Must sort the cameras. But he’s so quick. Like when I parked and spotted him standing in the dark next to the hedge. By the time I got my phone out he’d vanished. So obviously knows not to get caught. I can hear him out the front banging about in the dark.
Didn’t realise back to school and college was upon us. I don’t even know where my little nephew is going to school because my sister isn’t at the house, leaving my niece to fend for herself. There’s a lot of secrecy and I don’t know what’s going on but I wasn’t allowed to help my niece take the shopping bags in.
Being back with a busy work schedule will keep get you through the day and it will be a relief to get home on an evening. Routine can provide balance and some comfort, though I really wouldn’t be bale to contain myself. I admire all of you who have gone back to work. My sister is off again. She just isn’t coping at all and is on more medication.
Enjoy your chill day. You’ll need it! But you only have a couple of days and then the weekend. It’s strange, Weekends only exist when you go out to work. Otherwise all the days roll into a each other.
Did a bit more on my shrine blog and will take new pics too. An ongoing thing to work on for mam.
Lots of love xxx

[Suzanne30]

Saw a beaver swimming about the Loch tonight and also a fox chasing some ducks but they were a little far away to get some photos but it was a lovely night and for first time in ages actually felt chilly x

Hope you all are coping well/ok with today and @NEILB72 that the football went your way x

Take care of yourselves and if you are struggling let us take care of you x

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[NEILB72]

Hi Suzanne
Lovely animal pics. Mum liked all animals and I’ve still kept one or two of her charities going and donate when I can.
Bit of a weepy day today but cheered up by my friend as always. Nice to talk about different things and have a laugh. Coronation Street upset me a bit though with a storyline . West Ham managed a draw with Spurs( that was Mums team but I think she only liked them to wind me up as they are our big rivals!).
Looking forward to seeing some of my dancing friends perform next Tuesday .
Hope your day has been as good as it can be
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x

[Jane36]

@Suzanne30

Hi, thanks for asking. Not too bad, good days bad days . Not too good today , been upset as I actually drove to my mams for the first time, I couldn’t go in (my brother lives there still) but just parked outside but it broke me, so heartbreaking miss my mam so very much.
I am doing one morning volunteering at a pre school craft group that starts soon, just to get me out mixing.
Hope your OK Suzanne and everybody else is. Sorry I never seem to have anything much to write lately as don’t really do much apart from walk harry my dog
Take care all

[christine51]

Hi Suzanne,
Such a beautiful and tranquil place. You must feel very peaceful when you are there. Glad you saw a beaver. Nature always settles us I find. Really want to start going to the woods and parks on the bike but will have to get my energy back. Didn’t get swimming and haven’t seen my niece since last week when I took her shopping because she hasn’t been well either and always going to visit her mam so really doesn’t have time now to see me.
That chill in the air early on a morning has caught me by surprise because I’ve been in the house for weeks. Wanted to get in the garden but couldn’t manage it. Watched films and slept. Just not me at all, lolling around but I must need it to not be bothered by it. Will start swimming again when I’m recovered properly.
I meant to ask, is the loch far for you to travel? Just wondering f you could go more than your volunteering once a week.
I really have nothing to tell you. Didn’t do anything. Didn’t work on mam’s shrine blog for the mag. Need to take new pics but have worked on the article quite a bit. When I’m actually doing it I feel involved in it but it’s really hard to get going.
Enjoy your Sarah Millican. You might be on her dvd (can you still get them?) Have you chosen what you’ll wear? I really miss getting glammed up for an evening out. Been years. Feel so old! Anyway, enjoy it!
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Neil,
It’s nice to see you here. Been thinking of you. I know how hard it is to get through those special days. So pleased your friend never misses a call. You must mean a lot to him. He sounds like a really kind and loving person. Such a shame you couldn’t meet up for drinks or just chill out with a film. I read something about ‘fair weather friends and Christmas card families’ after losing a loved one. I don’t even have that. Seems my niece has no time for me either now. Feeling very fragile with having no energy and not able to actually do anything other than watching a film and sleeping. It would usually drive me mad lolling around but I can’t be bothered to even react to it. Being heartbroken comes and goes. I seem to be having a none reaction at the mo. Grief is so strange. It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.
Did an online shop and was shocked at the price increases. I have to bulk buy Porscha’s chicken incase I can’t get it online and it’s ridiculous. She wastes a lot of it too. Will have to be more attentive than ever now with the hand feeding on the kitchen floor at silly o’clock in the morning just to warrant buying it. Shocking.
I started watching Eastenders again, randomly because it was on and I’d walked back into the room. Stopped watching Corrie. Can’t always watch Casualty now because I think of mam. And anything with dying and churches etc I just burst into tears. It’s always there, waiting for me. Comes out the blue and I’m sobbing for mam. My therapist said I need to give myself permission to live without her and I can’t do that. I know I’m hanging on because I don’t want to let her go.
Really pleased you have your theatre booked for next week. I know Tues are the worst days but hopefully this will lift you up, even for that brief time. Your mam would be very proud of how you are coping, not hiding away. It would be so easy to just not do anything that you enjoy. I know how hard I have to push myself with even going to therapy.
I know there’s still a bit of time to wait before you go. But keep popping in. It’s always lovely to see you.
I watched a fab film on Netflix or Amazon Prime - The Hitman’s Apprentice with Tim Roth and Jack O’Connel and the Scottish one I can never remember. Do you watch a lot of films on the laptop? Feels like that’s all I’ve done for weeks. Never really left my bedroom. Feel like a teenager again.
Night hun. Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hi Jane,
It’s so lovely to see you here again. You are missed when you don’t pop in, even if it’s to say hi. My sadness seems to have evened out a bit after being engulfed by it. Think the exhaustion is taking is taking it’s toll after the covid.
I found it really hard to visit my dad after losing mam. Walking back in and seeing all of her lovely things, teapots and old china displayed in the sideboard in the hall, photo’s of her smiling at me. So I can totally understand how you couldn’t face going in and sitting in the car. I had to keep sitting in the communal garden and dreaded anyone coming out to talk to me. They didn’t but it’s not a private space like having a garden. I’m in tears again. I had stopped. Sometimes I cry so much there’s nothing left, however heartbroken I feel. It still doesn’t seems real.
It will be her first year anniversary in Nov and I’m dreading it. I’ve stopped going into the garden since the covid and feel really obsessed about her leaving and xmas and then it will be her birthday. I don’t know how I’ve managed to get this far, why time didn’t stop when she did. When I was busy I was distracted and getting through the day. But I’m just drifting now and not knowing how I’m feeling from one minute to the next. Also been working on a blog for her anniversary and that is really upsetting because it’s a tribute to her. It kills me that she has gone. I catch myself thinking I haven’t spoken to mam in a bit, or I must tell mam about what is going on (family drama) and then it hits me that I can’t. I have nobody to tell those things to now. She was my everything. I feel like I’m hollow without her. Not me.
I’m pleased that you’re getting out with Harry. He might not understand but he will help to keep you going and give you love and comfort. And it’s a good idea to do the volunteering with the kids. I remember painting with my sisters kids. I always made it a fun outside activity so I didn’t have all the cleaning up to do. Like when I would feed them in their massive cardboard box in the kitchen because I had ivory carpets. They loved it. It was their play house. And the cat loved it too.
Hope getting involved focuses your attention and gives you some relief, like the gardening did for me. Without it I’m just constantly thinking of mam. You might makes some new friends too and perhaps meet up outside of that for a coffee. I know life isn’t like on tv and it will be a random group but you never know. And anything you do is better than not doing. Like the swimming. It would be easy to give it up and just not leave the house but if I do that I’ll have nothing apart from my therapy. Anything to fill up time is worthwhile.
The bad days will always come but they don’t last forever, even though they feel like they will never end. But there will be lighter days when you don’t cry as often. I think we’ll always carry the sadness until we meet them again. It feels like an eternity until then.
Let us know how it goes and what activities you did. Be thinking of you.
Lots of love xxx

[NEILB72]

Hi Christine
Yes my friend I’ve known him since we were at school. He now lives in Shropshire but I’ve still seen him more than several other 'local friends ’ who have disappeared since the funeral . One or two were always coming to visit us but now Mums not here they dont bother any more which would make her upset.
Dont watch many films now except when I go to the cinema unless there is something interesting when I go through the channels. It’s funny how you lose interest in certain things when you have a bereavement. With Dad it was the other way round and started extra interests like theatre and art galleries- was never interested before. He would be really pleased that I found new interests.
Anyway got through the two worst days for me. Next Tue I have theatre and counselling starting up again Wed so should be feeling better for those days next week.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x

[christine51]

Hi Neil,
It’s good the counselling is starting again. It will be an additional framework to get you through the week and if it can be on a Tues or Wed that would be most beneficial.
My niece has cancelled going swimming and generally doing stuff with me but manages to see her mam everyday it seems. Will have to consider stopping her swim membership because it’s more expensive than if just paying per session randomly. We were going regularly and it dropped off and now isn’t happening at all. Wonder if I should try going myself. Have so little energy still that my therapist said I shouldn’t exert myself. But the more I loll around the worse I feel. I don’t want to just stop going.
It is true about losing interest in things that really mattered before. I worked so hard on getting my websites sorted (self taught) and then joining the mrxstitch mag before mam. None of it counts now. I am by nature very driven and strive to achieve but the oomph has gone and I wonder what the point of anything is, But then I also wonder how I would fill my days when not doing the garden. That motivated me after mam and it seems to have died off. Getting the trellises up has become a real pain rather than a challenge. Feeling very lost.
Having your theatre and art galleries is a wonderful thing to enrich your life, keeping you motivated. It’s so hard to keep going. Having something booked in to look forward to stops us from getting stuck and overwhelmed. It feels such a long time ago that mam left. The one year anniversary in Nov. is really playing on my mind. Might try to take new photos for the blog shrine today so I can finish it. I also have my textiles to sort in the loft so I can clear the corner for the rat man visit.
Getting in the garden is harder when the workmen are next door. I wanted to paint the bamboo roll in preparation before the rain starts next week. I’ll be surprised if I achieve any of the things I’ve mentioned for today.
Whatever you do I hope you have a peaceful day. It’s the most we can ask for now.
Lots of love xxx

[christine51]

Hello all,
Just popped in the garden to get some quick pics to start off Autumn. Trying to ignore the arsehole workman who insists on yelling to let me know he’s there. Here they are:
Passion flower fruit is ripening to an orange glow. Hope they don’t all drop off like the other yellow ones.

!
Hope the others will ripen too.

Lots of rose hips for the birds. Is that a sign of a harsh winter?

My rhubarb is starting to turn red

I have new growth on the nasturtians

and a delightful weed in the pram. I love anything that will flower and attract the bees (thinking of Suzanne).

Creep hasn’t cut away the growth behind the fence so that’s good.
Decidedly chilly (mams expression) with a touch of miserly rain. Love Autumn. Going in loft to get my quilt down (it was scumphishing (another mam word) even with a sheet ontop). Have put the garden cushions away too and just left one out for doing jobs. Going to rain all next week so might not get out there much for jobs. Have stopped fretting about getting the trellises done. They can be done at any time. And plants waiting in pots are ok too. Have to give myself permission to rest and not punish myself for not being able to keep going. Will label my new storage boxes after a sort out in the loft. Lots of little jobs means I achieve a lot without a huge task ahead of me. Will try to get the blog finished too with new photo’s (my next task).
Was looking for new online gardening sites for roses and there’s quite a few. Found a really good one - Harkness Roses. Have you heard of it Tina?
Debbie, hope your first day back is going ok. You’ll be knackered tonight! Still haven’t atsrted on actually reporting the creep because I’ll need to check dates and emails to the council with a pattern of behaviour with a timeline. Will get onto it when I’m feeling up to it.
Suzanne, enjoy your Millican tonight. Try to remember a best joke to tell us all.
Really quite worried about whether my little nephew has gone back to school. My niece didn’t know. Playing on my mind because I used to be so involved at this time of year with the choas.
Just having a cuppa before I start on my shrine photos.
Haven’t heard back from the council about the repairs / rats. It’s just a recurring headache of more work of moving my boxes and undoing the loft boards but it has to be done.
Feel better for making a start on small jobs. Just can’t loll around forever.
Thinking of you all with much love xxx

[Suzanne30]

Hi Christine x

As always love the photos x
The Loch is about 20 mins away from me but it’s in a treacherous bit road of the A9 and there are always accidents so even thought it’s maybe only 12 miles away it can often take 30-45 mins which is a nightmare x
With working full time I literally have no other time to set aside an another shift but come end of Oct the place will only open Fri-Sat until end of March so will only be volunteering maybe once or twice a month until they reopen full time but think I have some badger stuff coming up over winter as I have had to postpone my bat volunteering until next year x

I will try remember a good joke from tonight but I am at remembering jokes but will try just for you x

Sorry to read that you haven’t seen your niece much lately and hope she feels better soon x
Hopefully she’ll be able to go swimming with you soon x

I’m away to get my tea before I head to see Sarah so will let you know how it goes x

[Suzanne30]

Hi Neil,
It’s funny how you say about films as I used to be an avid film buff but since December I can tell you how many times times I’ve been to the cinema on one hand and films on tv must only be about 6 I’ve watched. I just don’t seem to be able to concentrate on them like I used to and even if it’s an old film I’ve seen hundreds of times I subconsciously think about when I saw it with mum last…dunno if it’s the same for you.
However I am glad that your team didn’t get beat at least lol x and like the thought of your mum liking a rival team to just wind you up…my kind of lady x
Have another counselling session tomorrow and it’s not like the last sessions I have with Sue Ryder…this one seems to want to talk more about me and how I feel about me etc which is very odd as I hate talking about myself but feel this is what I need as feel very stagnant. Don’t know how you and others feel but 9 months on for us and whilst everything has changed I feel nothing has changed either which I find quite disconcerting x
Maybe an odd phrasing but are you looking forward to some more counselling? x I was reading you saying that you felt the Cruse lady wasn’t fully invested in your call and I seem to remember that they were cutting your calls short too weren’t they? Such a shame as there are some very good callers but in the early days I live chatted them and felt they took ages to respond and frankly just didn’t care. Just as well we know there are some good places out there x
Anyway hope you have an uneventful night and couple of days and will catch up with you over next couple of days x

[Suzanne30]

Hi Jane
It’s always lovely to read your posts and you don’t have to have anything interesting to say as there is always something interesting about how what people are doing and we all would love to hear about Harry’s walks x

Think we all go through phases of doing nothing and then having times where it all happens and don’t know about you but I moan about doing nothing and when I am sue to go out I canna be bothered x canna please me lol x

How are you doing though? Are you looking after yourself and if not is someone keeping an eye on you? x

Pop in when you want or can as lovely to hear from you x