Have had a lovely day swimming with my niece and we collected the free rocks afterwards (I’d been fretting that they wouldn’t still be there) and then had a chippy meal at mine. Feel so much better for just being out of the house and catching up with my niece. Will go swimming again Tues after therapy and get more rocks. Motivated now to crack on with the pond. I’m sure she’ll help. Also planned a trip to the pound shop for plants and sorting out an online shop. Think I’ll do a delivery with Asda. Aldi charge a fiver for click collect and with petrol on top it’s not worth the savings. Prices cheaper at Asda for Porscha’s chicken. I did shop there during covid.
Feel so relieved that I’m ok again, though it has taken it out of me.
Will pop back again later/ Going to get Porsch in. Comes in dark quick now.
Lots of love xxx
What a fantastic day you seem to have had and any day is just complete with a fish supper.
Your words just seem to be coming across as so much more positive.
I went to Asda yesterday and got a lot of new things including a fleece blanket for £1.50! was very chuffed with my bargain lol x
What is the weather like with you? We have rain up here and up at the Loch today was very quiet partly because of the rain but largely cause the ospreys have all gone now and won’t return until March.
Back to work tomorrow as I gotta earn the pennies I like to spend x
Hi Suzanne,
Yes, connecting with my niece again and getting rocks for the pond has revived me. Feel quite exhausted but we swam for ages (more chat than swim because we hadn’t seen each other for a while) and it was just nice being outside and doing stuff again. My friend / neighbour with the cats was in his when we got back and was admiring the rocks so I gave him the address to get some for his pond. He was chuffed!
My niece really doesn’t want to move away and I don’t want her to go. After being stuck in the house on my own for so long and then getting out doing stuff made me realise how isolated I will be but so will she. The best option is to move within this area. My sister is just thinking of what she wants and not taking the kids into account at all. She’s so selfish.
I am amazed at your fleece bargain. I used to love foraging in charity shops for treasure and car booties. Haven’t done it for years.
Your loch may have been quiet but the birds will return and I’m sure there’ll be some little gifts that would have gone undiscovered had they still been around. We’ve not had much rain like was forecast so I did manage to throw a bucket of water on the rose in mam’s secret garden.
Feel rejuvenated with my rocks and looking forward to getting jobs finished. Had really lost interest and was just drowning in missing mam. But have turned a corner.
Will take a pics of my lovely rocks. Doesn’t take much to please me!
Lots of love xxx
Glad to hear that you have been out and about. I can imagine how recharged you must be feeling. Glad you got the rocks. Reminds me of when me and my Husband when we passed someone’s garden and saw a sign saying “free soil” so we nabbed some in carrier bags and brought them home in a little mini metro!
Sorting out this garden since the outbuildings have been taken down is proving so difficult physically. I can hear my bones cracking and I’m only small to ba carrying and dragging bricks and concrete stones. Im chunky but not tall! Since when did I feel my age so much!
Been cutting all my plants back too that have gone west since the heat. Didn’t get any blackberries this year and no edible strawberries but they are in containers and need good soil. Saying that all the soil in the garden is clay so neither is a good option. Haven’t lost any roses though so that’s good.
You must have a good level of fitness with the swimming. I’ve just signed to this study where for 10 days you have to increase your steps each day. This could be challenging!
Hi Tina
Felt a bit under the weather yesterday. Had some anxiety and didnt sleep well which is very unusual for me. My team lost controversially as well so that put me in a bad mood too.
Anyway looking forward to the Ballet gala on Tuesday which should be great.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina
I really do feel recharged. It has such a negative impact on me being isolated. So a bit of company, swimming (more chat than swim) and getting the rocks I thought would have gone as posted a week ago has left me with positive vibes. And sharing my free find with my friend is a lovely feeling too. He’s thrilled to go get some for his own pond. And now I know my niece doesn’t want to move away from here makes me realise she’d rather stay and have me in her life than move away and never see me again. The threat of future isolation is still there but if she can voice her objections to moving away maybe it will have an impact on my sister. She’s off to uni in a year anyway so the solution would be to stay where she is. Hope so. I have no control over it.
I can just imagine you and hubby thrilled with your soil. No better feeling than free stuff. I didn’t get the brick pillars I had my eye on. Would have been impossible to get into the car. But I will be hunting for random bricks for my winter project of replacing the decking with a small wall (inspired by your wall) to open up the pathway along the house. Quite inspired now to remove more soil from the pond (to create more depth) and start building the rockery for animals to get in and out, The other thing I’d put on hold was extending the shingle from teh patio up the garden path to the archways to the top pond. Will create a gentle slope into the pond from the path. Might have to get a half tonne bag. The small bags aren’t available on Amazon now. Shame because I could manage them in bits.
Glad your roses are doing well. They thrive in clay soil. I was so disappointed with mine but I think it was a combo of poor quality stock and the intense heat, despite watering throughout the summer. You have been left with a huge task removing all those bricks. Are you doing a section each day? You could join the neighbourhood and freecycle sites for your area or put out a notice for free bricks at the front of house. Shame I didn’t live closer! I get that ‘feeling my age’ thing from being in the garden or doing diy. I’m 52 and not exactly in great shape. Hope your brother is doing his bit.
I do admire you joining a fitness thing with your steps. I’ve been wanting to set up the wii fit for ages now and still haven’t got further than charging the batteries. Now it’s cooling down I don’t have an excuse. Was doing a mini jog each day. Sounds like a small task but very intense. So that’s my plan for Autumn.
Porsch is screaming for attention again. She’s so bloody demanding!!!
Will post pics of my rocks in a bit.
Lots of love xxx
They’ll get swallowed up in the pond but I can make a good tart on the contouring at the far end. The path will be gravel and provide a gentle slope in replacing paving stones
Love the rocks. They have nice and interesting textures by the look of them. I’m sure you’ll enjoy fixing them in place! I don’t think there is any chance of getting the garden looking presentable until next Spring sadly. I have had to all the clearing up myself such as moving bricks around and pulling heavy council weight paving stones over the lawn. He’ll do what benefits him and leave the aftermath for me to try and cope with but the bigger things he tries to do the bigger the mess and more strain for me. It’s getting cold and damp now as well. Nothing worse than wet soil to be trying to shift! Yeah, shame you don’t live nearer we could have held a brick appreciation society meeting! Wished we’d have kept more bricks when they had knocked the outbuildings down but then we’d have ended up up with more stuff, plus you don’t really think at the time.
Glad you got out. It’s one thing going by yourself but doing so with someone else and having a chat as you go takes you out of yourself and gives you that extra boost I think. Good that you’ve got your Niece for that bit longer. Someone from outside your home brings a new perspective on things. What is she doing at Uni? Is she following in your footsteps? My nephew at Plymouth Uni did sustainable design. He designed things using recycled stuff and some of his work was incredible. He’s gone to Australia now though for a year so don’t see him and Niece tattoos in Truro where she’s moved too so don’t see her either!
Look forward to hearing your about your gardening escapades and hope the rain holds off!
Hi Tina,
You did make me laugh about the brick association meeting. If you had one, I’d be there! It’s such a shame that you have to clear up the mess in the garden. I know how heavy it was for me to do the paving slabs on the patio. I did a bit each day so’s not to strain myself. Careful, you could end up with a hernia. Sounds about right with your brother. As long as you are there to tidy up after him he’ll keep going through life doing what he does without a thought about how it impacts anyone around him. Your mam will appreciate what you are doing though. Keep going. He goes out and doesn’t have to look at the state of the garden every day. What does Zoe think of it? Porscha hates mess and is very vocal about her litter tray and if she’s been sick. Screams until I work out what it is. She’s away in the garden now having had a good breakfast (hand fed, of course).
I have my blood tests today (checking for cervical cancer) and then a swim at the lido afterwards. Feels like being on hols with the waves. My niece isn’t seeing me today so going alone. It’s just round the corner from the hospital so I may as well. I did tell her I’d have to drop the membership if she didn’t swim twice a week and she agreed. So we will go tomorrow after my therapy and then collect more rocks. My friend said he’d gone but there weren’t any there. I’ll check because it sounds like he went to the wrong house. I’m looking forward to doing the pond now. It seemed like a huge task before. Will ask Debbie for some ideas on plants. Her massive pond was like something Monty Don would be proud of. I’ll see if my niece wants to help get it started.
The move is still on but she doesn’t want to move out of the area and my sister is totally disregarding how it will affect her. She’ll be going to Brighton uni to study criminology and is interested in forensics too. She’s very clever. Interested in your nephews recycled design. There’s a lot of artists creating fabulous things from recycled materials. It’s very on trend and will continue because of the state of the planet. The textile industry is one of the biggest polluters because of the chemicals used in processing. But then the super fast turnover of clothes and the throw away attitude towards fashion creates mountains of discarded fabric which won’t degrade in landfill.
It’s been raining here during the night. Always good for the garden and saves me a job with the hose. Hope the spiky plants are still there on Wed when I take my niece food shopping. I was explaining to her what valuable life skills she’s developing in running the house, shopping for food and taking care of all the animals (dogs, rabbit, guinea pigs, dragon, chameleon, snake). Don’t know how she does it.
I got my shrine blog listed for Nov to celebrate mam’s date of leaving. Really pleased with it and the new pics but that was so hard to do because it was so upsetting. I started another one too and am nearly finished. I’m on a roll. Don’t know how long it will last but I just have to go with the flow. This one is creating a working environment (being organised, storage of fabrics and embellishments, creating a visual library etc). Feeling better for achieving something again. Can’t loll around forever. I’m just not designed that way.
It’s quite refreshing to open the door on a morning and have a slight chill in the air. Being stuck indoors for so long has left me in the heatwave and I still haven’t adjusted to now. Don’t know if I’ll get much Autumn planting done with the trellises, pond and general tidying up to be done. I hope to get some winter pansies for the bathtub at the top of the garden and 2 large tubs on the patio for a splash of colour. Still have time yet.
I was watching my Soft White Underbelly and came across another agoraphobe who was explaining his fear of dying alone and not being able to connect to the world / people and just wants to be in a loving relationship. It was like he was explaining how I feel. Mam was the only one in the family who loved and cared about me. Now she isn’t here I feel even more alone than I did before. She always made me feel like it was ok to be me. She supported rather than pushed. I wish I could thank her for being who she is. I long to explain how precious she is to me.
Hope you get some of the garden done today. It’s meant to rain here all week. Must get dressed and will check back after swimming.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Just wanted to see how you are because I know you’re not doing great at the mo. It feels like I’ve climbed out of my sadness and I’m starting to get back on track. Was just explaining to Tina about going swimming with my niece, getting my rocks. I have a blood test today to rule out cervical cancer and will have a cheeky swim myself afterwards as it’s just round the corner from the hospital. It does take me a lot of courage doing stuff alone because I was conditioned for years not to go out myself (very controlling relationship). If I don’t try I will become housebound so it’s a constant battle to face each opportunity as it comes up. I have a swim with my niece Tues after therapy and hope there’s more rocks to collect. And then Wed I will go for my spiky plants when I take my niece shopping. Will be very disappointed if they’ve gone. Keeping busy keeps me moving forward and being productive in my day. Otherwise I am just drowning in missing mam.
Got her shrine blog listed to celebrate her one year anniversary in Nov. Cannot even comprehend how I will get through that day. Can’t think about it and become overwhelmed. Like you say, take one day at a time and don’t look too far into the future. Getting back into my blogging is helping me feel like me again, though a diluted version of me. It is still just filling in time but I am motivated again and in touch with my textiles even if I’m not creating work. My new blog is about creating a working environment. I have another blog listed for this week. Will post a link on the day.
I know your Tuesdays are the worst and nothing will help get you through but I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. Not looking forward to my swim but I’ll be so disappointed in myself if I don’t go so forcing myself. Sure I’ll enjoy it when I’m doing it. There are so many people who swim alone. It’s really sad. But they don’t seem bothered and just swim. I’ve always thought of it as a fun thing rather than exercise.
Do you have your new session starting today? Can’t remember. Hope it helps and is better than the very poor service you seem to be getting with Cruse. Will pop back later.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Fingers crossed for the blood and am sure everything will be fine. Have a good swim as you always seem better afterwards.
Tuesday should be better this week as I have a show to see which I don’t normally on that day.
Another lot of counselling starts on Wednesday although will try to get it moved to a different day the following week.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Just got back after my blood test (times it perfectly and didn’t have to wait which is always a win!) and did a half hour swim. I can manage that myself and it was ok. Glad I went. Treated myself to a cheese and onion sandwich, beef wellington crisps and some choc. Feel so exhausted. Didn’t try to go for the rocks myself. Will wait for my niece tomorrow. Hope to get some pics for my blog this afternoon but it might be too dark in the loft. Means I’ll have to drag one down but it will be worth it to finish the blog.
Glad to see you more upbeat. Having something to look forward to really does help. And counselling should help get you back on an even keel. I have noticed that you’re more focused with it so it must help. I think just having a listening ear, whoever it is, makes a massive impact because we can voice our thoughts and maybe get some feedback. I always remember bits my therapist has said, that I need to allow myself permission to live again and enjoy the things I did before mam, especially my textiles because she wasn’t involved in that. But it does feel like a betrayal, that I’m leaving her behind.
I got upset on my journey to the hospital, having to travel past where we lived 30 years ago, remembering mam how she was before she was retired. I just want to go back and live in the past, randomly in different segments of time. I still can’t believe she isn’t part of this world. So upset again. I wish I could have taken her place.
Think I’ll watch a film while I have my treats.
Good luck with the counselling. Stay focused and maybe’s plan each session to get the most out of it. When my niece moves away I won’t have anybody at all to see or talk to apart from my therapist. I’m terrified he will die and I’ll be totally alone.
Forgot to tell you, I got told off by another swimmer. Irritating man who follows the rules with the arrows. I just gave him an ‘Ok’ and swam off. Annoyed the hell out of me because it was the big bit for slow swimmers and there was only 3 of us in the pool.
Lots of love xxx
Had some busy and okay weeks. Done some things, like went with an elderly friend to a crochet lesson and learned crochet. Had a doctors appointment which went okay. Had some of the craft club ladies over to the house which was a big deal for me as not great with letting people in my space or playing hostess
Work plodding on okay though my concentration is still shot.
Last week I pulled my back and had to take a couple of days off. Was a bit scary and miserable being in pain and frightened I might get stuck on my own but it has eased.
Done some tidying up etc
But today - grief quake. Was sat and just started crying from nowhere. Not particularly thinking of anything or a trigger but just started sobbing. Got the physical pain of missing Mum and just wanting her. I’m off again.
Woke up with nervous anxiety, rather than the petrified anxiety - who knew it came in so many ‘flavours’
It is hormone week and of course next time it is hormone week I’m due to go to Barcelona to see my work mates, and will be travelling with my friend as can’t travel on my own. Think that may be playing on my mind. At a level I am really looking forward to it -to seeing somewhere new and somewhere always wanted to see. But I suppose as it gets closer I am thinking more of the practicalities, the plane journey (not frightened of flying but first time without Mum), being away from my home bubble for three days and then the fear of coming home to an empty house.
@christine51 I know what you mean about feeling as if doing things is a betrayal yet we know in our conscious minds our Mums would want us to be doing just that - for the pair of us.
I can empathise as not having a particularly good day either. Had my first cry in weeks and generally just hating life and myself just now.
Like you just feeling a wee bit sorry for myself x
How are you feeling now? i have chocolate so will go and have a wee bit cause if I don’t have a bit self control I will eat the whole bar and give myself a migraine lol x
Hope you are feeling a bit better today and know you have your ballet tomorrow which should brighten your day x
Hoping your counselling on Wed will help too. Do you think it will help you a little if you have it on one of your traditionally harder days?
Hopefully you can get a couple of photos tomorrow and enjoy yourself x
Will catch up with you tomorrow after your show xx
Loving your rocks and can’t wait to see the final product. Hopefully your niece will be able to help you tomorrow get some more x
It’s such a shame that your sister seems hellbent on moving and taking your niece with her. Could she not stay with you until she goes to uni or would that put her in too awkward a position? x
Do you have a filter in your fish tank? Cause if not then I would suggest you get one as it would save you doing all this cleaning lol x
How is your friends cat doing now as I seem to remember you saying it was unwell?
I’m in the Groom Room tomorrow as one of the stylists is off with covid which is a nice change but it means I don’t get home until later and that sucks lol x
Anyway hope your therapy goes well and enjoy your swim x
Hi Suzanne.
I usually have my UC appointments on Tue/Wed ( although Friday this week) which are my worst days si happy to have counselling Wed this time. Hoping to get it moved to a Monday like before .
Seeing a show on a Tuesday will hopefully make the day better and looking forward to seeing some of my dancer friends perform .
Hopefully will post pics tomorrow evening.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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