@Suzanne30
Hi not too bad, I honestly just never have much to say as most days the same. I did go see a group of friends sat the first time in months, I actually had a nice time
And also been on the beach with Harry today, which was lovely
Hope everybody is doing OK, September already eh going so quick.
Take care all
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Love Harry and he looks like he has had a ball x
Just like to remind you we are here for you if want to even tell us about your walks and glad you had a nice time catching up with friends as can make a big difference xx
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Look forward to your photos and these UC people are so demanding 
xx
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Harry is gorgeous!
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Hi Beki,
I totally get that thing of being productive, doing stuff (I am impressed with inviting your crafty ladies round to yours), feeling like we are in control and then BANG - grief smacks us and weāre totally at its mercy. Sometimes it does come from nowhere with no trigger. The realisation that itās all true is overwhelming. I carry the general sadness around like Suzanneās weighty blanket but the anxiety in all its forms is always lurking. When I swim alone I imagine all the people around me dying. I wonder if they are aware of their own mortality.
You have done so well with getting back to work. I feel better for getting some blogs done, though it is the strangest feeling to be working with only half a brain after covid. Total blank thinking of words. Never happened to me before. Itās great that you have a friend to travel with to your Barcelona excursion. I know itās work but it will be a lovely thing to do. Did your mam go with you for work things? Such a jetsetter! You might feel very disassociated, like being present but not connected fully. And thatās ok. You can still function like that. Better to be there than not, however you manage it. It will go quickly so try to enjoy bits of it.
How is the back now? I had my blood tests done for ruling out cervical cancer. Still need to do the other bowel kit test. Canāt hand it in myself so have to rely on seeing my niece and she has cancelled again. Has a massive impact on me when she drops me without a thought and thinks thatās ok. When I make plans I donāt like being messed around. I rearrange but itās becoming annoying and Iād rather not bother than have the disappointment of being seen when she has nothing better to do. Had to cancel her swim membership because she deferred her uni and isnāt a student now. So hope to get a partial refund. Have info on a pay as you go play membership so she is free to not bother and I wonāt be paying for it. I know I sound like a moany old cow but I donāt mess people around when I make arrangements.
Have had another splash of rain here. Always good for the garden. Still lots of work to get back to with the trellises, pond, planting up the shed area and general tidy up. Feel nearly recovered after covid, though had to sleep all day after my swim yesterday. Totally wiped out.
You are entitled to feel very sorry for yourself. I hate that expression because it goes back to that Victorian attitude of not feeling anything and if you do, hide it. You have been coping with the worst thing that can possibly happen to you. Whatever achievements you make be proud of them. To give up completely is the easiest option. If I did that Iād never stop sobbing for mam. You are absolutely entitled to cry and feel overwhelmed. You will get through it because itās what we seem to do. And then we feel relief, have a quiet period where we restore ourselves and then get back on track. Thatās how I see it for myself. I dread my Porscha dying because I wonāt have a reason to be awake.
I think working and being productive gets us through the day but we canāt just keep going without a reset. Take time to reflect on what you have achieved. Youāll amaze yourself. I look at my blogs and wonder how Iām capable of doing that when mam isnāt here. But thereās a sense of achievement and a connection to my textiles. Have even thought about starting my artist interviews again. Donāt quite feel ready for that because I canāt rely on myself to function every day. But I at least think I will get there in the future. Doing mams shrine blog for her first anniversary in Nov. is a real achievement. It was so difficult to do. But I did it for her. I do a lot of things for her and not for me. I havenāt got to that stage yet.
Keep going Beki. Itās lovely to hear from you. I always think of you and imagine you in your lovely caravan doing crafty things. Maybe hold your next meeting there for the craft circle. How many could you get in? That could be a special go to area for a specific tool. Sure everyone would love it.
Keep popping in. Always lovely to see you. Has your grandad been over for a visit? When my sister moves away I wonāt see my niece so Iāll have nobody at all. So aware of how isolated I am.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzanne,
Sorry to hear you are upset. You are entitled to be. Iām always so impressed with how you are coping with work and your volunteering and going out and about. It must be exhausting. I find being busy helps get me through the day. But then when things donāt go as planned I get so upset, like trying to get my niece to take out a new pay as you play membership because she isnāt a student now (until she goes to uni next year) and she doesnāt want to get on a bus to meet me after therapy because I canāt drive back to get her and then go back over again for swimming. Just had a message and sheās cancelled on me again and tomorrow. So very upsetting. I donāt treat people like this. I hate being messed around and taken advantage of. Makes me not want to bother at all and just accept that I am totally alone in this world now. Sister will move and never see me again and it seems my niece is only seeing me because I pay for everything. So fucked off.
You mentioned the fishtank. I do have a two pumps and oxygenating stones but still have to clean it once a week. Thinking of getting shrimp again. The eel ate the last lot.
I think of you in the groom room when Iām watching you tube clips on funny animals. There was the cutest little dog had itās own drying machine at home (just like a cat carrier) and it loved it. Love the pic of the kitten. What is he chomping on?
Just realised the time. Must get dressed for therapy and then a swim on my own again. Will collect more rocks if I can but I find it so difficult doing anything by myself.
Lots of love xxx
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Thanks Christine.
Today has been another day of tears, no appetite and tears. no wonder they keep telling you to stay hydrated!
Iām glad to hear you are having a bit of a respite with interest in your arts and blog again. All those sayings about grief being like waves is so true. Currently riding a bit of a tsunami but I suppose it would be odd if I didnāt. The price you pay for love and all that.
The crafty ladies are lovely, mainly older than me but all with their own loses and issues. Next week we are meeting at one of their houses and will get a takeaway and crochet more poppies for the remembrance day display, considering I didnāt know how to crochet this time last week!
Granddad is coming on 18th to be here for my birthday on 20th.
Matilda can only really comfortably fit 2-3 people at once. Will be nice to have some people over for some 1-2-1 glass sessions though.
Glad to hear the covid is passing and getting the rocks for the garden. My bedding plants are spent now but when Granddad comes down weāll go and find some winter bedding and some heathers.
Barcelona is a social works do so wonāt be hard work/formal. Itās a meal on the Friday afternoon and just a chance for us to get together. Everyone is warned I will no doubt just cry on them! Yes I took Mum on all my work trips, thatās how we ended up going to Las Vegas and falling in love with it. Weāve never been to Barcelona - I started with this company just before covid hit. We both always wanted to visit. My friend is very supportive and understanding and I will have some meds with me, and thanks to wi-fi I can come and spam on here for support!
The backs eased quite a bit but I am being careful not to annoy it again.
Better get back to work. Got to create a presentation Iām giving on Thursday at the ungodly hour of 8-9am!
love, Beki x
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Hi All,
Had a very hectic few days back at school, the start of a new term is alway exciting but very busy.
But I was a bit stressed Monday when one of my photocopiers broke down, the last thing I needed with printing booklets for whole years groups over many subjects.
It needs spare parts so still waiting for it to be fixed. It makes me smile when staff say " I know your busy but can you just do this now"
Still, Iām on the countdown, only one full school year plus next autumn term then I thankfully retire at Christmas 2023.
It times like this I miss Doug most, he would have been at home and I would get a welcoming cup of tea and a hug after a busy day at work, I miss that loads and I know I will never get used to him not being here.
@christine51, you asked about pond plants, Doug was really the expert on all things pond. But from what I remember of the pond in our old house we had:
Water lilies, hornwort, Canadian pond weed (donāt think you can get that anymore) were deep water plants and oxygenators plants.
Water lettuce and duck weed (fish loved this but seen as a pest plant) were floating plants.
Marginals: marsh marigolds, water iris, both yellow and blue, lobelia cardinals, different kinds of bulrushes and reeds like scirpus, water mint.
Gunnera also called giant rhubarb is good to plant on pond edge as giant leaves give lots of shade and helps to keep the pond water clear.
Basically now I just look what the garden centre has, and choose what looks appealing.
Did you get some more rocks for your pond, you will have to go with your neighbour and collect some together.
I see you very much up and down at the moment. Itās a shame your niece doesnāt keep her promises to go swimming with you.
But you have a goal to keep working on your blog for your mum and you can get a sense of achievement and will keep you focused.
@NEILB72, hope you had a good day at the theatre today.
Hope everyone else is the best they can be .
Sending love and hugs
Debbie X
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Hi Christine,
The kitten is chomping on a big bit chicken and thatās why I thought of your Porscha lol x
Not going to be a smart ass but pumps and filters in tanks/ponds are two different things. Pumps tend to sit outside and push air through air stones whereas pumps tend to sit inside and filter the water so if itās pumps you have thatās why you are still having to manually clean the tank out 
x
Sorry to hear that your niece has cancelled on you as know you were looking forward to it x you never know she may change her mind 
x
Iām feeling a lot better today thanks so will try not dwell on yesterday x
Iām heading along to my friends to watch the latest episode of House of Dragons xx
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Evening everyone
Had a really good time at the Nureyev Legend and Legacy gala at Theatre Royal Drury Lane. So many brilliant dancers performing , among them several big names from the Royal Ballet. Also big name dancers from around the world as they all paid tribute to probably the greatest ever male ballet dancer.
Got another cheeky seat upgrade to Row B of the Royal Circle. Met some lovely audience members and two of them, a young Japanese couple were at the stage door with me.
Managed to catch up with Yasmine Naghdi from the Royal Ballet but didnt subject her to a photo with my ugly mug this time . In all I met and got autographs from nine of the dancers. Sadly missed seeing Natascha who I only spoke to when I was on my way there.
Good to be out on a Tuesday and now ready for tomorrowās counselling.
Love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
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Looks like a great event Neil so glad you enjoyed it!
Beki x
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H Neil,
Nureyev was always one of my mumās favourites too. Was it Morcambe and Wise that used to call him āRudolph Nearenough?ā x
Glad you had a great day and enjoyed yourself. How are you feeling about your counselling today? x and you still have your friend phoning tonight Iām hoping x
Iām only working today until 8pm but in a couple of weeks out opening hours are changing so we will be closing at 7pm as a trial and hope it continues as finishing an hour earlier makes a huge difference when youāre going out at night lol x
Is it tomorrow you have your UC meeting? x
Anyway hope you feel your counselling helps today and look forward to hearing about it 
x
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Hi Suzanne
I saw from Christineās post I think it was that you had a down day . Hope youāre in a better place now.
Iāve just finished my counselling ( this time it is only phone only ) and come on here and seen your post. Now Covid restrictions are nearly gone I have been offered group and one to one sessions and am on the list for those but of course there is a huge backlog. I managed to get it switched back to Monday again like it was before so next one will be on 19th now as I agreed that another session in 5 days time is too soon.
Yesterday was great and managed to meet dancers from all over the world and was a real once in a lifetime experience. Of course saw one or two of my Royal Ballet friends once more and its put my mind in a better place.
UC appointment on Friday this week.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Pic posted is one of the highlights of yesterdayās and an official photo from opening night. Natascha and Vadim performing Sleeping Beauty Act 3 pas de deux. They were sublime x
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@NEILB72 what stunning costumes. Must have been a privilege to view it. How are you feeling today after the counselling etc?
@christine51 did you manage to pick up more rocks?
I am still riding the grief wave today and feeling crappy. but trying to soldier on.
Love and gentle hugs to all
Beki x
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Hi Beki
After seeing the show yesterday and counselling this morning feeling better than I was a few days ago. I think someone here said recently itās coming into Autumn and that was Mums last few months alive and itās the dread of coming towards that first year anniversary plus Dads 7 year anniversary next month too.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Just sending everyone some love and company. Sure the news coverage of the Queen is quite distressful for many of us. Know I am finding it quite hard, in an already hard week.
Beki x
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Hi Beki
Immediately began thinking of Mum when I heard the news and couldnt help but say out loud at least the Queen has got to at least 96 my Mum only got to 82. Feel terrible thinking that way but cant help it. Really hope she can pull through and reign for some more years yet.
Love to all Neil x
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