Hi all,
I was very upset watching King Charles with the crowd. When they started singing it reminded me of birthdays when mam and I would ring each other on birthdays and sing to each other. I’d always join in and laugh. Everything reminds me of mam. I want to be with her. I wish she could share what is happening, even though it is so very sad. She would have marked the occasion. I got her little hat out that she made for The Jubilee when we had a garden party. I miss her so much. My heart is breaking all over again. I’m going to have to turn the telly off. I just can’t do this anymore.
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Hi Beki,
I’ve got a cuppa and I’ve had to sit in the bedroom because I just can’t take anymore upset. All I can think about is mam. I want to be with her like when she first left. This is too hard.
So sorry to here that you are really not well. My mam had gall stones and didn’t know until it was advanced that she had gallbladder cancer. I wish I’d known what was happening in those last few months. I could have stopped everything and just spent that precious time with her. I want to show her how loved she is, how precious she is to me. I want to be with her more than anything.
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Hello @christine51, and to everyone who is understandably shaken by the news of the Queen’s passing. I’m sorry to interrupt your thread, but we know that the death of a public figure can stir a lot of emotions. I shared this blog post on this thread , but wanted to share it with you here too in case it was helpful. It’s by our Head of Bereavement called grieving for a public figure.
Take good care
Seaneen
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Oh Christine, wish I could give you a hug.
Time to go into self-care mode. Remember how important you are to us and how much we value your friendship and wisdom. This thread has been a (literal) lifeline to so many of us.
Our Mums are still with us and they will be waiting for us when the time is right. It’s so fecking tough, I feel it myself.
check in again later
Beki x
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Evening all,
Like Beki I had my counselling too and think it’s fair to say it’s been a pretty crappy week one way or another for us all and yesterday’s news has hit us all unexpectedly harder than we could have believed.
When I heard the news the first thing I wanted to do was tell mum and then the dawning realisation that I couldn’t couples with the fact that another constant in my life was gone was quite overwhelming.
I’m not going to lie I couldn’t care about the monarchy and mum and I often had ‘debates’ on whether they should still exist etc but we both agreed that the Queen was a lady of principal and integrity but I feel so much empathy and sadness for the family she has left behind. Their grief being so public and scrutinised by people all over the world.
I won’t go on about Andrew etc as not the time to be discussing it.
Just wanted to let you all know that we are so fortunate to have found each other here and have an outlet and friends for our grief.
Much love to you all and thank you for being here for us all 
x
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To coin our thread phase Zanna, it’s shit!
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Hi Suzanne,
I wish I had joined mam in her love of the Queen and belief in the monarchy. I didn’t pay attention. I wish I had taken mam to church and built that belief of everlasting life into the fabric of my life. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so lost now. I feel so empty without my mam. I love the turn of phrase Charles used for his mam, singing angels taking Her on Her journey. I feel such sadness for him losing his mam. It feels like mam has just left me again. I feel so empty. I don’t see the point in my life and what I have achieved. Mam created a family that deeply mourns her passing. The country is mourning Her Majesty. I just want to join my mam so I can be with her forever. Mam was always my love, my constant, my stability. Without her I don’t know who I am and what my life means. I don’t see the point in anything I do. I want mam to be proud of me and I don’t think she was because I didn’t want a conventional life or have children. But I know she loved me. I love her more than she could possibly imagine. I’m so tired of being tired. Of being so sad that it hurts to be awake.
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Oh Christine I get your despair totally x
However I believe people will mourn a person and their actions not a title others have given them.
You, like myself, have not had a conventional life in that neither of us wanted marriage nor kids but we both love our nieces etc and probably couldn’t love them anymore if they actually were ours.
We maybe don’t have titles like wife, mother but we are so much more than a label.
I would be lying if I said I don’t often think ‘who am i’? Especially since mum passed I have often wondered why am I still here? Who would miss me? Who am I?
And I know I’ll ask myself that again but like you Christine we may not have any if the answers just now or in near future but do believe we all have a life and souls purpose to live and you provide so much inspiration and teaching in your craft and garden x you provide friendship, love, respect and as I said inspiration and are such an independent lady.
I have to believe that one day all this will make us stronger and that our paths will be more visible to us but we are all so much more than a label so don’t do yourself down and your mum most definitely respected and loved you 
x
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Hello Neil.
Thankyou for your words Neil. It’s very kind of you. I hadn’t realized til the day that Mums Birthday was actually on the same day and the same date as she passed away. Went to the Churchyard and it was like the reason why I was there hadn’t happened. Was very strange and even now, after all this time it doesn’t feel like it’s really happened. And then there are times when it really does and I panic.
Like most people the Queen was a thread in time that went though generations and it’s just another constant that is no more. I just keep thinking of Mums reaction to the news as I’m sure you do.
I’ve just seen that you have some really bad days. I’m sorry to read that. I’ve always admired how you’ve been able to get all over to the cinemas/theatres etc. It takes a lot of courage to do that, even as a diversion, I’m pleased you have been able to get some more counselling as I know this has been helping you a lot in the past. Mornings are getting difficult again for me, not sure if it’s the seasons changing. Probably the same for us all.
Thanks a lot for the kind words again. Hope your Sunday is kind to you
Love and best wishes.
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Hello Christine
I haven’t read any other posts at the moment so I don’t know exactly how you are feeling at this present time. I dropped a brief line on the day the Queen passing away happened as I was sure you’d be badly affected.
I was that focussed on Mums birthday that I hadn’t realized it was also the actual date and day too. Mum hated Thursdays as all bad things had happened to us all on Thursdays with loss. Lost my Mum, Husband, Dad on a Thursday as well as my Mum having losses on a Thursday. Now the Queen. Why do all bad things seem to happen on a Thursday. Some of the pictures of the Queen in her fragility and frailty really brought back memories. I’m sure it did for us all. I’m not a royalist but wonder if it will bring all the royal family together or shatter them apart, we all know about that sadly. Feel sorry for Harry immensely too.
On a lighter note I came across an article the other day about this woman that used bits of broken CD in her macrame and immediately thought of you
I downloaded it to my phone so I could send you the link. Hope I can still find it. I also saw a video of someone that had made hanging glass propagators with beads on them. Things Id want to do if Mum was here but can’t summon up any motivation to do them for myself. How is your gardening shaping up? I finished all the crazy paving. I’ve not done a bad job but after all the effort it is only a temporary situation til next spring.
How are things otherwise? I hope you are not as upset as you was when you posted this. I’ll see if I can see if there’s any later posts from you. I wish I could up and down to see posts but it’s so flippin fiddly on s phone to do that
For now, I hope you have an easy day Christine and all of us.
Speak soon and much love
xx
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Hello again Christine
I’ve caught up on all the posts and can see how desperately sad and desolate you’ve felt. I think with the Queen it’s like it’s happened to a distant relative that we’ve never actually met. I actually thought this would all blow over, after all she was still carrying out duties. But having had Covid a couple of months ago this probably would have left her more vulnerable. In time we will absorb it, as much as it is yet another blow to everyone. I hope your family will extend a bit of warmth to you Christine and I hope you get a bit of respite from things xx
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Hi Tina
I felt it was a relief to get through Mum’s birthday last month as I was panicking for days beforehand. Of course with your Mum’s birthday being on such a historical day for the country I can imagine it must have felt so strange. I know my Mum would have been upset by the Queens passing but at the same time remembering her great life. I just feel so frustrated that Mum wont be seeing the funeral as it will be a huge event and that I cant tell her about any of it. That word sums it up for me at the moment - Frustration.
A very quiet weekend for me . Found out another neighbour, the one with the little boy who Mum used to like very much, is moving this weekend. Last minute as she rents off a private landlord and cant afford the rent. All my good neighbours are going.
Because of the funeral I probably wont have any more counselling until the 26th Sep as we had switched it back to Mondays again.
Got a theatre trip in the West End on Wed so while I’m in London will hope to sign a book of condolence somewhere if I can. Mum would want me too I know.
Hope Sunday will be as good as can be for you.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Christine
This is just a screenshot of the macrame wall hanging. It wouldn’t transfer video. I can’t even do crochet/macrame but it looks nice and I thought it may interest you.
xx
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Hi Neil
You are so right about frustration.
Although you may not get any counselling in the short term it will put your mind at ease knowing you have some to come I imagine.
In the meantime keep finding enjoyment/comfort in your shows. They seem to be doing you do much good.
xx
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Hi everyone.
I’ve been catching up on posts. I was away the week before last and then back to work last week and things have been pretty shit to be honest. And I think like for all of us the loss of the queen has been very triggering.
I think of you all always and I’m sorry there have been more bad times than good lately. Like I said, it’s all just shit! Just shit.
Sending you all lots of love
Nic xxx
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Hello Tina,
I’m so sorry you have your mam’s anniversary. I can only imagine how despairing and utterly lost you must be feeling. I was born on a Thursday and my mam left on that day and now The Queen. It feels like mam has just left me again. She loved and respected our Queen. My dad is anti-royal and anti-establishment so mam didn’t celebrate like she would have if she had had support. She even stopped going to church. I don’t know why she stayed with him. But she did and made the most of it. She was an avid reader of history and I regret now, seeing Scotland as they travel, that I didn’t join her in that passion. I feel that I have completely wasted my life, wanting to make a life separate from her and not wanting to follow in her interests. I wish I had become an academic rather than artist because I don’t know what the point of my work is.
I’m so very sad that my mam didn’t do her train holiday through Scotland. Seeing the hearse travelling breaks my heart for both my mam and Elizabeth. I left my condolence message online, telling her she is loved and will be missed by the world, and that Charles will make a good king. She can rest now after a lifetime of duty. She is remarkable and an example to us all.
Apart from my niece texting me about the Queen on Thursday I haven’t heard from anybody, not even a reply from my sister up North when I wished her a special 50th birthday early today. I had forgotten because I’m so wrapped up in my grief for mam. I said I would get her something special. I tried phoning but didn’t want to leave a message. I might get her a cross so that she can wear it every day and remember mam. We all got a black cross in memory of mam for the service.
I cannot imagine the family not having the privacy in which to grieve the way that we do. I know they are all trained from birth to accept their role in life and to do their duty accordingly, but I just do not have the strength in me to hold the sadness at bay. It engulfs me. Seeing the coffin takes me back to mam and I just cannot accept that she has died. I can’t. I want to be with her. I don’t want to be here. I am absolutely destroyed by her death.
The Scottish Proclamation has just been made. It’s so lovely seeing all the traditions and costume. Mam would have watched with me. I wish I’d kept my tartan kilt from being little. It was our traditional tartan as Grandma was of Scottish heritage. Why didn’t I immerse myself in everything that was dear to mam? I feel so empty without her. I am alone without her. She isn’t there to ask everything I need to know about what is happening and why and who is who because I’m not invested in the Royals or their history.
I do love that Elizabeth said we are all just passing through here and do not belong to anyone. That gives me such comfort, to know that death is not final but rather part of a bigger journey. I really want to go to church, like mam did and I did when I was little. I wanted to after mam left me but couldn’t go alone for that first visit, even though it isn’t far at all. My sister wouldn’t go with me but went herself without telling me until afterwards and had the vicar visit her at home. My other sister went to Durham Cathedral and spoke at length with the Bishop. I did go to a church close to mam after the funeral with my sister but felt nothing. I thought I would feel close to mam, but it was just an empty space in which I sat.
I feel so utterly lost and worthless without her.
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It’s lovely. It reminds me of my macrame owl I made at school when I was little. Mam was always so proud of my crafts. She kept everything forever. I don’t know where that is. I wish I could go and search through her precious things but I can’t go there because of dad and he’s probably got rid of all her stuff to make the place his own. Apart from photographs, film and her precious china there’s nothing left of her there. It’s soul destroying. Mam was the soul of the family. Without her there is nothing.
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Hi Neil,
As you can see, I’m devastated by the Queens passing and making my mams passing very real again, like it is happening now. I think all our mams would be deeply affected. They have grown up with her. Mam loved and respected Elizabeth and would be heartbroken by her death.
I’m so sorry to hear that your lovely neighbour is having to move. She must be very upset, and her little boy. Will you stay in touch? She would perhaps appreciate knowing that you will miss her and want to stay in touch, even if it is just a card at Christmas.
I sent my condolences online because I can’t visit in person, though I wish I could. I really want to start going to church again but can’t make that first visit alone. I wonder if my niece might go with me. She isn’t religious so I don’t know if she will. Maybe I will feel less lost and feel closer to mam. I feel so empty without mam. But I do take comfort in The Queens reference to our lives being a journey, that we are just visitors to this world, passing through, not belonging to anyone. I really do believe that people who have faith, like Debbie, must have a resilience knowing that there is certainty beyond this life we know. I just want to be with my lovely mam.
I’m glad you have your counselling sessions set up again and your theatre. It will help you and whatever we can do to get through this is worthwhile. It doesn’t seem to get any easier with time. I’m dreading mams anniversary in November. It’s already looming.
I think it’s a lovely thing to do to represent your mam in the book of condolence. It’s heartbreaking but also lovely to hear stories of people who know the Queen. She is indeed much loved. Remarkable.
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Hi Suzanne,
I’m working my way up the page as I couldn’t do it yesterday. Seeing the coffin travelling through Scotland reminds me of mam’s service. I’m heartbroken for both Elizabeth and mam. I just can’t wrap my head around death. I’ve always been so scared of it. I just don’t think I can live a life without mam in it. She would be quite amazed by how incapacitated I am without her. I am so tired of regretting who I am, wanting to not be me. You are so kind. I don’t want to be independent. I want to be a child again, to be looked after and loved. I feel so empty and just want to love my mam.
I’ve been watching the coverage of the Queen and King Charles but it is so incredibly upsetting, on so many levels. I wish I’d been part of what was precious to mam instead of being so headstrong about what I wanted to do in life. I’ve missed so much of what made mam who she is. I want to be with her so much. Porscha will die soon and then I’ll be free to be with her.
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Hi Christine
It’s been an awful time hasn’t it for us all here and for many others. It just seems like since COVID and Ukraine etc that it’s been a relentless stream of events. It’s hardly surprising we are struggling to manage.
I haven’t had the TV on so can’t say what’s been happening really. I think that’s because I’d be watching it alone whereby when it was Prince Philip that had passed away Mum and I watched that together so that in itself would be hard. I feel for the the family having to live their grief in public. It sticks in my mind the memory of the two young Prince’s following Diana’s Hearse all those years ago and feeling so sad that two youngster’s had to do that.
Don’t go thinking you have wasted your opportunities by not being an academic. Brains are overrated, I say that because I haven’t got any! But you haven’t wasted anything because art can soothe, liberate and allow expression. You was/are well suited to it so to have denied yourself that would have been a disservice to yourself. It made you happy and that’s all a parent wants for their child so you fulfilled your Mum’s wish. It is terribly hard when we look back and think what we’d now like to change about things. There must be many more people thinking similar but when you are in that time you don’t think of the worst happening. It wouldn’t be very healthy if we were thinking along those lines constantly. You gave your Mum the opportunity to feel happy knowing that you were happy in becoming an artist.
I understand when you say you feel sad about there being nothing left of your Mum. I’m exactly the same
I’ve spent all my time recently trying to preserve some little remnant of Mum in the house. There is not one iota of space that has had any respect shown to it for Mums memory and it’s overwhelmed me this week as I feel exhausted in constantly trying but to no avail. My Sister just says to keep Mums possessions safe and not to worry about what he’s doing to the house. This is ok as I don’t expect her to have the same concerns as me but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with.
I’m sorry your family haven’t shown you much empathy. I can imagine how painful that is. It’s easy to let things like that get to you. It’s only natural you’d feel upset about it. You have to hope they see the error of their ways but these days people are so often stuck in their own problems that they get tunnel vision and nothing else or no-one else appears on their radar. It’s probably not even intentional.
Today has probably been one of the worst for me. Feel old, not tiptop condition, vulnerable and forgotten and just bleak. Like you, feeling as though the best has already been and there’s nothing left. It’s not s good place to be in I know.
I can imagine you are very low now with everything but I’ve also known you to come back with the incredible energy and motivation you have so hope things get better for you again soon
My eyes are getting 'wobbly" so I’ll say see you later and hope things seem a bit easier to cope with tomorrow.
Sending lots of love xx
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