Sending an extra large hug Tina. Remember we do not get old, we are merely vintage. And yes bits ache emotionally and physically, the evidence of the loads we have carried because we cared. And we care for you, very much
Beki x
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Oh Neil I am so sorry to read that your lovely neighbour with the young boy is movingā¦that must be so hard for you especially as your mum was fond of them too. I have heard though that private landlords especially in London are charging crazy prices. Do you know if they are moving far or will you be able to keep in touch? x
That would be nice if you could write in the book of condolences and then you should be brought back up by your theatre trip. You maybe did say but I have a memory like a sieveā¦what are you seeing on Wed?
We had the cortĆØge pass through Perth yesterday on itās way to Edinburgh but I missed it as was working but believe it was respectfully treated x
I have tried to avoid all the tv lately as just seems so depressing x
Will you have a treat for your tea after your show? x
Hopefully the next couple of days wonāt be too hard on you and remember always here for you 
x
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Hi Christine,
As I was saying to Neil the cortĆØge passed Perth yesterday and sheās now in Edinburgh x our store still hasnāt said Iād it will close or not on the day of the funeral but we all know it wonātā¦if anything itāll let us close at 6pmā¦a whole hour earlierā¦whooppee lol x
Yeah I canāt believe something momentous like this has happened and I couldnāt tell mum so had to write it in my journal just so I could tell her.
I really wish you would not be so hard on yourself and stop regretting your whole past basically. Your mum loves you for being you and I have never got the feeling from anything youāve said to think otherwise. Your mum wouldnāt have wanted you to live a life based on herā¦she would probably be very proud of your life and you. Also Porscha doesnāt appear to be wanting to go anywhere soon so enjoy her company for many more years x
The best years are behind us in some respect but we have to make another chapter happen with possibilities x I was speaking to someone up at The Loch on Saturday and he was said he lost his mum last year and she was only 62 but for next year he wants to make a non-bucket bucket list (as he doesnāt plan on dying any time soon) of animals he wants to see and places he wants to go to and I thought to myselfā¦āIām gonna nick that ideaā lol x
I appreciate with your agoraphobia itās not so simple for you but maybe start your own list of things you want to do/achieve and work on it. I know itās hard when you are feeling so desperate but maybe something to think about 
x
Do you have any swimming planned for this week?
Iām going to get tea so will catch up later 
x
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Hi Suzanne
When I saw the pics on TV I was wondering if it was near you. Iāve been watching bits and pieces here and there. I will definitely not be going to see the Queen lying in state as the queues will be horrendous and obviously the memories of Mum . Itās not the sort of thing I want to do. Writing in a book of condolence I can handle so will try and find one on Wednesday.
Was very surprised when my neighbour knocked and said they had to move quick. Its only about a couple of miles away but itās another change happening in my life . Mum would have been upset to see her go but she would be happy that she came to the funeral and said such kind words .
The show Iām seeing is Dear Evan Hansen . Iām catching that before it closes next month. Might go in my church while Iām there or the National Gallery if I get there early.
Dreaded Tuesday tomorrow . Got through last week as I saw the Nureyev Ballet gala and it was the best Tuesday I had since Mum passed.
Football returning this week too. Weāre playing Thursday and Sunday.
Hope you have something nice for your tea.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
Yeah Balmoral is about 60 miles away from me and the road from there to Edinburgh runs right passed/through Perth and the shop was very quiet on Sunday because of so many people paying their respects.
Like you I would not want to see her lying in state and believe St Giles in Edinburgh are open 24hrs for the next couple of days. Did you see the footage of the idiot shouting at Prince Andrew as he was walking past?? Always one disrespectful idiot but the police soon put him in his place x
I saw the theatre that you are going to when I was down in June and wondered what it would be like so please tell me what you think of it x is it disappearing from London altogether or is it going to another theatre?
Will check in on you tomorrow and see how youāre doing and hope you sleep well x
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Hi everyone,
Itās been a bit of a strange few days, I have been reading all your posts. Being back at work and all that been happening since the Queen died itās just knocked me for six and I feel all the energy knocked out of me. I havenāt had the energy to message.
I agree with what you all have been saying, watching the coffin on its journey through Scotland does bring back emotions of following Dougās coffin on the day of his funeral. That was the hardest part of the day, knowing he was in there and I wouldnāt be seeing him again.
My youngest Granddaughter went down to London with her other nan last weekend to see the flowers. A historical moment she wonāt forget. But like you all I couldnāt go and see the Queen lying in state, too many raw emotions.
I did go to the proclamation reading in our town and I put some flowers on the war memorial. It was strange singing God Save the King.
I canāt help but feel so sorry for the royal family, having suffered such a loss and still carrying on with a smile for the cameras and being in the public eye. Also all that King Charles has had to do this week. When as we all know too well we just want to hide from the world, cry and grieve.
Christine you mentioned my faith, I have being praying for the royal family, they must be heart broken. My faith has helped me with lossing Doug, I know I am going to see him again, in my next life and I canāt wait.
You seem a bit up and down at the moment, just want to send you a hug, I hope you sister up north has replied to you and your niece keeps up the swimming. Have you managed to get back in the garden again or are you still feeling exhausted.
There was a squirrel in our garden this morning feeding on the bird feeder, didnāt manage to get a photo, could have quiet easily sat and watched it instead of going to work.
How have the theatre trips been Neil, did you ever get any response from all those job applications you put in. I know UC keep on your back, they did my son when he was self employed. Iām on it to, but they seem to leave me alone because Iām working and itās just to top up my wages, since lossing Doug and over half our monthly income went. Iām now counting down the months until I retire, 15months to go.
Tina you seem so down, I wish I lived nearer to you we could meet up. I have a few choice words to say to your brother.
You must be heartbroken seeing how little respect your brother has for your mumās home. It makes me cross on your behalf that he overwhelms you, and you have lost all your self confidence. Say to yourself I am beautiful, and you are. Big hug to you too.
Suzanne, not mentioned the ducks lately, have they been back.
Howās work going Nic, is it any better.
In fact big hugs to everyone, @Beki, @LucyF90, @christine51, @NEILB72, @nicnic, @Suzanne30, @Tina19,
@Jane36 and @MichelleY hope you are both okay.
Iām sitting in the garden writing this and a white feather has just landed on me, my love is still watching me and close by.
Sending love to you all.
Debbie X
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Hi Debbie
It certainly is a strange time isnāt it? Not only with the Queen but this year so far without Mum being here. So many changes and it is difficult to keep up with everything.
I did hear from some of those jobs and had one or two interviews either in person or over the phone. Some of the jobs have so many people going for them . I will get there though.
Another show tomorrow and will post some pics. Hoping to sign a condolence book somewhere but no way would I see the Queen lying in state. The only two people I wanted to see before a funeral was my Mum and Dad.
Dreaded Tuesday again today but got through it and bought another Ballet ticket for next month.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Pleased you have shows to look forward too. I sure the perfect job is out there just waiting for you.
I signed condolence book from both of us at our local town hall, and I also signed the one at my church.
It been sad just watching the Queen coming home.
Enjoy the show tomorrow, look forward to seeing your photos.
Sending love
Debbie X
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Hello Christine
Just thought Iād drop by and see how you are. I imagine youāll be feeling emotional, itās totally understandable. I hope you arenāt too distressed.
I hope the test results are OK as well. When youāve got the all clear you want to treat yourself to something that enhances your well being. I quite like the idea of Suzanneās weighted blanket or one of the fleecy lounge jumpers that you can lose yourself in.
Gardening jobs are getting a little more difficult in the cooler and damp weather isnāt it. Hope you have got done the things you need to.
Are you well in yourself? A bit concerned myself as every joint throughout my body is painful but more noticeable in my hands and figures. Itās all very sudden and Iām terrified of them seizing up. Canāt even think itās Arthritis. Maybe just old age and poverty as the saying goes.
Keep well you and Porcha.
Much love xx
Hello Neil
Hope you are a bit better with Monday and Tuesday out of the way for a while. Sorry to hear about your neighbours going. Itās another change and itās hard, as well as missing them.
Have a peaceful day
Love and best wishes xx
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Hi Tina
Sorry to hear about your joints. Possibly arthritis but also could just be the trauma we have been going through and what it does to our bodies. As Iāve said Iāve lost weight although eating fine but it just does things to us . My counsellor said changes in the way we feel and our bodies can be quite normal for people who have suffered bereavement. You mention arthritis and Dad was riddled with it at my age , Mum a bit later . Dad was rheumatoid and Mum osteo.
Going up to London today for a show and found out my church I go to there is open from 9-5 for prayer, light a candle and a book of condolence for the Queen so hopefully I can write a message from Mum too as she would have wanted me too.
Hope you can have as good a day as possible.
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil
Hope your show is/was enjoyable and you have a good time Iād imagine that although very sad occasion, signing the book and lighting a candle will be a soothing experience experience as youāll be conveying your Mumās sentiments too.
Arthritis shows no mercy and by the sound of it was pretty cruel to your family. Mum used a saying āThereās only wine that gets better with ageā¦ā Think thatās true. My pain is in every joint and was quite sudden in onset and typical of me donāt want to go to Drs. More fool me! As you say could be a reaction to trauma so will have to wait and see.
Otherwise hope the day is kind to you Neil.
Love and best wishes xx
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Hi Christine
Thinking of you
xx
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Hi everyone
Just thought I would post some pics from my London trip yesterday.
First went into my church I sometimes attend and signed the book of condolence( no queue at all!). No better place to do it in and I always find peace there.
Then I attended the new art exhibition on the American artist Winslow Homer at the National Gallery . All paintings loaned from the US so to see something different was great. He was around during the Civil War and did paintings on the front line as well as a lot of sea pics and from the Caribbean.
Then I went to the Noel Coward theatre to see Dear Evan Hansen which I enjoyed. Itās probably aimed at a younger audience but for Ā£15 it was good value and the understudy in the lead role was terrific.
Love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
So glad to hear your day and show was pleasant and that you got to send your thoughts to the Queen.
I have heard of that artist and seen some of his work in photos but to actually see them in person must have been a right treat 
I passed this theatre practically every day I was down there in June but wasnāt sure if the play was for me or not lol x think thereās a film now of it but havenāt seen it either lol x
Do you have plans for the weekend? Our shop is surprisingly closing on Monday but I need to still go in for a few hours to make sure all the animals are fed etc. wonāt take long x
Came home to find a letter from the police saying Iāve been caught speeding again but Iām going to contest it or want to see their āevidenceā as I donāt remember being in the area at the time they say I was. Canna afford any more points 
x
Anyway have a pleasant couple of days and think we may need to lean on each other a bit over next few days x
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Hi Suzanne
The Noel Coward is one of my favourite West End theatres and been there a few times. The has been a film made of the show but apparently itās not very good . The show is probably more aimed at a younger audience but there are adult themes in the show. Still good though.
Nothing planned for the weekend but at least there is football unlike last week and we won last night too.
Hope the weekend will be as good as it can be for us all
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hello all,
Still very upset about the Queen / mam but managed to have a quick walk in the garden yesterday and took some pics. Havenāt been out there since the heatwave due to covid and then being upset again. Still have no energy to actual do anything. Went for a quick swim Wed but then have rested since. Just exhausted.
Got my scans and tests back and have the all clear for bowel and cervical cancer. Being referred for further investigation because I still have stomach pain and swelling. I have high iron content on my blood and cholesterol, an ongoing situation.
So hereās the garden with little bits of colour to brighten your day just a little.
Quite a bit of fruit around for the birds. My little robin has returned. Stopped seeing him over the summer. Will have to get the bird feeders out again. So much work to do. Have no energy for the pond rocks, creating a stumpery with fallen logs, trellis toppers and bamboo screens, planting up the shed area and getting new plants for the pond, replacing the roses. Feeling quite overwhelmed. Seems the more I rest the more I need to. But Iām not breaking mam heart now as if mam had just left again. So hard.
Iāve missed posting but have been catching up. Sorry I havenāt been able to reply. I do think of you all dearly. How are things at home now Tina? I think all you can do is keep out of the way. Your memories of your mam canāt be taken away. You can be with her whenever you want to be. Iām missing mam terribly but do feel close to her. Iāve had to stop watching the news and coverage of the Queen. Just too upsetting.
Lots of love to you all xxx
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Porscha being cute in her new bed behind the fishtank, pretending she doesnāt know Iām taking her pic
New shrimps are settling in. I didnāt clean the tank so they have food but this is when I would so my weekly clean
Sleeping slugs and mother and baby feeding. This is why I have no plug plants left.
Logs on the bed need to be housed around the bathtub at the top of the garden, creating a stumpery. King Charles loves a stumpery and is a great conservationist. I didnāt pay attention before now.
Porscha watching my every move, like a little stalker!
Have another blog out soon. Will post on the day.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Great news that you have been given the all- clear. Big relief.
Loving the pics of the garden and they are always nice to see.
I had bit of a meltdown this morning. Suddenly realised a friend of mine has a birthday this weekend ( Mum used to know all the birthdays!) and had to pop into Card Factory. Suddenly I remembered I took Mum in there just a couple of weeks before she passed and this was the first time I had been back and just felt really sad and couldnt wait to get back home. I try and avoid the High St as much as possible. Whenever I buy a card now I get it in Morrisons but forgot yesterday.
These somewhat small things trigger it off for us and itās difficult to get others to understand.
Once again great news you have the all clear
Speak again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
I totally get the ātriggersā. Some I understand and others are from nowhere. Well done for getting out for a card though. I get everything online but felt brave after my swim the other day and got a birthday card for my sister up North in the garage when I got petrol. Will post it today after my swim. Really having to force myself to not just do nothing. Iāve had a really productive morning sorting bits in the loft and photographing for a new blog. The blogs are easy to do in little chunks so itās not too overwhelming.
I found mams hair in the loft. I always cut my parents hair and started collecting it years ago for a future project on the aging process. Thought Iād be really upset but I just feel hollow, like it hasnāt hit me yet. Iāll keep the hair in my little egg in the shrine for now. Started to get upset talking about it so Iāll stop. Donāt want to not get out the house for my swim.
It is good news and Iām being referred to hematology for more tests. Still getting pain and its hard to ignore. It will be a relief if itās just grief but I think of mam every time I get a pang because she was in pain and couldnāt eat. I didnāt know then the severity of it. All I want to do is revisit her then and try to get all the tests possible to stop the cancer spreading. If only.
Glad you liked the garden pics. It was really hard dragging myself out there. I feel so disconnected to the garden now. Iāve totally lost my oomph.
Must dash and get ready.
Lots of love xxx
Itās true that mams know everything, every birthday, all the goss and keeping us all on an even keel. Must have been such hard work. I feel like I know nothing at all without her here and Google isnāt a substitute for having mam at the end of the telephone. I miss her so very much.
xxx
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Hi Tina,
Youāll see Iāve posted some pics and Iāve been sorting and photographing materials for a new blog. I was saying to Neil itās ok to do because itās bite sized chunks and not too overwhelming. Really having to push myself or Iāll just sit and do nothing at all. Feel totally depleted and empty after losing the Queen and being reminded of mamās passing. I found her hair in the loft and have added it to my little egg in the shrine. Trying not to be upset because Iāve booked a swim and will have to leave in a minute. Would rather not go but canāt give into it or I will just stop going. Havenāt heard again from my niece after she cancelled our swim last minute for Tues, our regular slot. Iāll just have to accept that she isnāt bothered about seeing me when she has something better to do, especially after her membership ended and Iām not paying on direct debit.
Iāll catch up again when I get back. Iāve been in such a dark place but am trying not to be. Been thinking of you with your brother and his antics. Itās the last thing you need but it seems he has to be kept busy with a project rather than deal with his grief.
Lots of love xxx
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