Good to hear those results were clear. It must be a relief.
The photos are wonderful. Your garden is so unique.
I understand you not being able to watch the TV coverage about the Queen. I’m the same and haven’t seen much myself for the same reason.
Sorry about your Niece Christine. I understand how hurt you must have been by the situation. Younger people won’t put the same kind of meaning on things as us older ones and won’t think as much about it but it’s still hurtful nonetheless. Currently in a dire situation with my brother which is a result of long standing issue rather than grief at the moment. Just feeling totally bereft and hopeless.
I’m glad you are out of the dark place. I hope that continues.
Hi Christine,
It’s good news about your test results. Try not to worry too much about being referred to hematology they are just making sure.
I’m sorry you are still feeling so low with no energy. I love the photos of your garden and I know you will get inspired again and carry on.
You can never tell how young people are thinking and how they react to a situation. Your niece is probably bring torn in two different directions. But I’m glad you have carried on with swimming, it will be hard on your own but a big step to your confidence going out.
Seeing everything about the Queen is very upsetting and brings back many memories for us all. But we will get through it.
Sending love
Debbie X
Hi Neil,
Glad you got to sign a condolence book on behalf of you and your mum. I like visiting churches they are so quiet and calming a lovely place to reflect.
I signed Doug’s name too, when I went to our local town hall. It’s making sure our loved ones are a part of this historical time.
I’ve not heard of that play either that you went to, you do manage to find good discounted tickets.
Have you seen the film See How They Run, I’m told it’s very good so hoping to go and see it.
It’s been a very strange few days, Monday is going to be difficult for many people, hoping you get through the day without to much distress.
Sending love and best wishes
Debbie X
Hi Debbie
I had to sign the book of condolence for Mum too as she always admired the Queen and saw her Coronation. Managed to get it done in the church that I go to so it was very fitting .
Dear Evan Hansen one of our big name shows in London but it’s now closing next month as it is on Broadway. Didnt want to pay a lot for it just wanted to see it before it ends.
Next show is one at my local theatre next month but will post about it nearer the time.
This weekend will be very difficult for us all as it will bring back the sadness of losing our loved ones.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
Yes, good news but more investigation into why I have such high iron content in my blood. It developed after having been on iron tablets for a long time. Will be good to get it dealt with.
It is upsetting about my niece. I just have to accept I will have to go swimming alone. Every time I go for a half hour I have to sleep all afternoon to recover. Just exhausted. But my level of fitness is better than I thought it would be.
I’m dreading Monday and have avoided all tv because it was so upsetting but I have been watching the film of The Queen (with Helen Mirren) and the series of The Crown. Find it all fascinating and am surprised at how I admire traditional values when I am not conventional myself. Mam had told me how good the film was and that’s why I started watching. She would have enjoyed the series but wouldn’t have been able to watch it because my dad controls the tv.
I really do feel for you and your situation with your brother. It’s hard enough battling with yourself to keep going during grief than having other battles to have to contend with, especially in your home. I wonder why some people are so thoughtless, whether they sail through life unaffected by the strain they put on others. I keep wondering what I did to deserve not being loved and supported.
I’ve been working on another couple of blogs. It’s easy to do and fills in my day. Good to achieve something and get my mind ticking over again. I still wonder what the point is but while I’m engaged I’m enjoying it, or at least interested. Will post the blogs with links as and when.
Thinking of you with love xxx
Hi Debbie,
Yes, it is good news ruling out the big things but it’s so uncomfortable swelling up every time I eat or drink. This only happened after mam. I wonder if the physical reaction during grief can be that extreme.
I’m sure the situation with my niece is largely manufactured by my sister who is always texting or calling her when she is with me. Totally unnecessary. I’ve given up trying to encourage her. The swimming is something I can do in half hour segments with 3 10 minute intervals. Breaking it down allows for a rest and I know how fast the time goes. Finding the motivation is hardest so if I book in advance I make a commitment to myself to get it done and I feel better for getting out of the house for a short time. But always have to sleep to recover.
Dreading Monday. We will all in such pain. But I can’t not watch it. Signed the online book of condolence and have updated mam on her tribute site. You may have read in my previous post I found mams hair while I was searching my textiles for my blog. I didn’t get upset like I thought and popped it in a large china urn in the shrine. I’d avoided finding it but knew I needed it for my blog. The anticipation is always far worse than the thing itself, but not always.
I know I’ve not been posting of late but I’m glad to be back. I do read posts when I’m not able to do my own and take comfort in you all being there. It’s quite a different sort of life living with such heavy sorrow. The days feel much shorter now because I’m sleeping and it’s a relief. Going through the motions of doing is better than not doing at all but I wonder why I’m doing it.
I was really surprised on Gogglebox that they weren’t really shocked and upset like I was. I think losing our loved ones makes grief easily accessible to us now. I’m amazed that the Royal Family were able to function in the midst of it all. Fascinating. I wish I had some strength to put my grief down for a little while and not have to carry it around all of the time. I’m not crying now but mam is always with me and I still cannot accept her absence. I’m always wondering why it happened, why I didn’t see it coming, why I didn’t pay more attention in life and why I am not more like her. I feel so alone because I am alone. I just didn’t see it before. The Queen said we are all just visitors to this world, passing through. It makes sense.
Lots of love xxx
Think it’s fair to say this week has been a weird one and tomorrow will be literally a once in a life time spectacle x
I am no royalist…more a republican if I had to label myself but seeing the strength of the royal family, the servicemen and women paying their respects to their boss I suppose and even the likes of David Beckham queuing for hours I have felt very humbled to witness it all and credit to everyone who has waited in line for 17+ hours x
On the other hand the likes of Holly and Phil have very much disgusted me and I don’t buy a word if their press statement that it was for a programme x shame on them imo x
@christine51…I am so sorry to read that your niece has let you down by not going swimming with you but as Debbie said they just don’t see it as being ‘a biggie’ nowadays but one day they will know it actually is. Good news on the test results and hopefully get to the bottom of the high iron content soon.
Like you said I think we will all be watching some if not all of the funeral tomorrow but although the shop is closed all day I have to go in tomorrow for a couple of hours to feed the animals as part of our license. Only takes a couple of hours so not too bad.
What is the Creep up to these days? Hope he has stopped being a creepy wanker x
Your photos of the garden were beautiful and very inspiring as always x
Keep us updated as to how you are doing/feeling and lol forward to seeing your new blogs x
@NEILB72…how are you doing this weekend? You said the football was back so hopefully that will keep you cheery but I know how quickly that can change with football lol x
Think once Monday has passed by and things get back to semi normal then we can all maybe continue to move forward even a step at a time.
How’s your counselling doing? i have my session on a Friday and have been actually learning more about myself than anything else and has been quite an eye opener tbh. I always thought I didn’t have ‘triggers’ as people call them but apparently I would appear to be one of the most triggered people that could exist x
Had a good busy week last week and the next couple of weeks are to be fairly steady too so looking forward to Book of Mormon in a couple of weeks and as it’s my nieces 18th day after it a few of us are going to the Escape Rooms so that should be interesting x going to be weird as my niece was always my mum’s favourite (even though she swore she didn’t have any lol) so was thinking as it was her 18tb that I would get her something from mum…do you think that sounds ok or weird? x
Anyway will pop on here tomorrow to see how we all are doing
Hi Suzanne
Quiet weekend for me. West Ham lost and played rubbish . Glad you will be going to see Book Of Mormon- one of my favourite stage musicals. Saw it about 5years ago and one of the funniest shows I’ve ever seen
My counselling postponed tomorrow so will have to wait another week. I phoned Cruse on Friday as I had a bit of a meltdown. As we move into Autumn it’s going to be very tough with that one year anniversary looming large. I too have found out a lot about myself with the sessions I’ve had.
Hope you are having a peaceful evening and that we can all get through tomorrow as best we can . I know Mum would have been watching.
I’m watching the English National Ballet on BBC4 at the moment for my bit of culture today!
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
If I haven’t said before I’d just like to say how much pleasure I get from seeing your photos. Your plants are stunning and how gorgeous and content Porcha looks.
Situation at home very difficult in several respects and I very much feel afraid of my own shadow at the moment. Things have built up and built up and it’s a mental struggle. I always seem to be saying that lately.
I can see you’ve not been the best, sorry to hear that, but you’ve done so well to keep getting back up after each difficult period. How easy it is to hide away so to go out swimming is a huge achievement. It would be nice to have company, yet you went and got some benefit from the experience. Like Debbie said about your niece, to them it probably is simply “no Biggie”. Only in time will she think differently. Wisdom is a bugger as you have to get to a certain age to benefit from it!
Not so sure yet if/what I’ll watch of the coverage. I remember watching Prince Philips service with Mum and feel I should do the same today but not sure if I can. I think it’s got to us all in one way or another. We will get through as best we can somehow.
I hope when this is over they can get down to business and sort out your health problems. It’s a worry isn’t it but great so far that you’ve had some nasty stuff ruled out.
Hi Neil
Just to say I understand what you mean about the card shop experience. I had to go into a shop I hadn’t been in since I lost my Husband several years ago. The shop wasn’t even in the same town, wasn’t even built back then as it’s a new shop in a chain. It was “The Works”’ stationery shop. It felt strange and I just wanted to get out. Its probably something that has to be done often to get acclimatized to again but it’s not an easy thing is it.
Just thought I’d say I’d be thinking of us all today. I know the events will further magnify our own losses but somehow, we will be OK.
Afternoon Neil,
How is today finding you? I started to watch the funeral after work but found myself grieving for the family more than the departed x
Just a quiet day for me now too and was sitting peacefully reading and then found myself waking up as had dozed off lol x
Sorry to hear about Friday and hope Cruse were of some comfort rather than cutting you short like before.
I journaled to mum this morning as was finding it a bit hard but like you I too am finding the coming of autumn harder and the constant chatter of Xmas is becoming hard.
However I have made a promise to myself that I will try to keep positive and will make a non-bucket bucket list for next year…basically a list of things I want to do/photograph each month. May sound a trifle selfish but I don’t care lol x
I am so pleased to hear you liked Book of Mormon as have never heard of anyone else who has seen it x
Away to try read my book again whilst washing machine is on so will pop in later and see how you and everyone is doing x
Hi Suzanne
Seen some of the funeral but had a break for a while and did some ironing and sorted a cupboard out. It just gets too overwhelming . I know it’s a huge historical event but will be glad when it’s over.
Great idea to make a ‘bucket list’ of sorts and to think positive about things you want to see. I’ve added some live performance venues and museums that I want to go to ( and really should have been there by now). Hopefully will start with that very soon.
Hope you can get through the rest of the day as best as you can
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina and everyone,
Been watching the coverage as it unfolds and feel so utterly heartbroken - for my mam, for the Queen, for King Philip and the rest of the family. It brings it all back. The flowers are the same colour as mam’s. I miss her so much I don’t know how I can keep going. I know I have got this far, but honestly don’t know how I’ve managed it. I really do want to go to church but don’t know if I can do it myself. I think to have faith must be a blanket against loneliness and having hope beyond our life on earth. I so desperately want to know that mam is happy where she is. I think being buried and being able to visit her would be a comfort. Her ashes still haven’t been scattered with her parents in their grave. I wonder if she is with them and feels at peace. I hope so. I was listening carefully to the services and hope it is true. Mam is the kindest and most loving person I know so she deserves to be at peace. I can’t bear thinking of her not at rest. I still don’t see what the point of this life is. It seems to have family and love at the heart of it. None of my family have contacted me. To have died with mam would be better than living a life alone knowing I am not loved or included in my family. I just want my mam. She made it all seem normal. I now know it wasn’t.
I’m so pleased it’s all over now. I really don’t know how the family got through all of that. I know it’s a public display and they will mourn privately. I just can’t seem to hold it in. I can’t stop crying.
Tina, I hope things settle down at home. You deserve to have some peace. Can’t your brother see that? I think he mustn’t have control of himself to be so mean to you. Porscha is my comfort. Does Zoe comfort you? She has a new bed now in amongst my pile of textiles and has abandoned her fishtank bed. Maybe it was cool when she needed it and is wanting warmth now. It’s really quite chilly on a night. It’s playing on my mind about getting back into the garden to finish jobs before the winter but I just don’t have the energy. Have lost my motivation. But I do have a swim booked tomorrow after therapy, alone. Haven’t heard from my niece. Have accepted I need to let her go, not that I was clinging onto her. Was nice spending time with her but that seems to have passed now. Feel like I have so little energy that I just can’t face being let down anymore. I’d rather not make plans than have them broken last minute.
Neil, I totally agree with the effect of Autumn and the first year anniversary looming. I haven’t been in the garden properly since the heat wave because of having covid and then the Queen. The pics were a random thing and took a couple of minutes. I feel totally disconnected to the garden and it was my connection to mam. Sure I’ll get back out there before winter. Pleased you have your counselling. It’s come at the right time. I think people keep grief a secret because nobody would face it otherwise. It’s just relentless. But you’ll have lots of shows coming up to look forward to. Being busy gets us through the day. It’s when we stop and have nothing to look forward to that we crumble again. Our recovery is so fragile.
Suzanne, Lovely pics of nature. I saw my little robin when I took pics around the garden. Thought he’d abandoned me. I would like to start walking in the woods just to get out and away from the house and how utterly desperate I’m feeling. If I can go swimming alone I’m sure I can go for a walk too. It’s always the initial step that is hardest. It’s a little drive but I hope to make a regular thing. Well done you for going into feed the animals on your time off. They depend on you and it’s kindness like that which matters most in life. I’m sure if I didn’t tend to Porscha’s every whim she’d have left a long time ago. She’s snoring in her bed of textiles next to me. I’m dreading her last breath. I hope I don’t wake up to find she’s already left me. I hope she passes in my arms so she isn’t on her own.
Creep has been quiet while I’ve been ill. Think all the neighbours have noticed I haven’t been in the garden and have stopped going swimming like I was over the summer.
I think your bucket list is a fab idea. My adventure for life just isn’t there and I’m limited to where I can go. So going to the woods is my first one. Envy Neil with all his performances and visits to museums. Going to church can be another one for me. Dedicating my life to being good is another. I wish I wasn’t who I am and had led a more conventional life. All I want now is my mam.
Love to all and hope to see Debbie and everyone else here soon. It is such a relief to know that you are all here for me. I’m here for you too. xxx
Hi Christine
I was wondering what was happening with the creep as I dont remember you mentioning him for a while.
Yes the autumn and that first year anniversary coming up and that fills me with dread. I think to myself sometimes ’ how is it nearly a year ’ and how have I managed to get through these last months '.
Watched some bits of the funeral but became a bit overwhelming. I do admire the pall bearers who did a wonderful job . Frustrated that Mum couldnt see all this and that is what upsets me.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Thought I would see how you are today since yesterday.
I watched yesterday in bits and pieces at a time. When all this happened to Prince Philip her Husband things were very different weren’t they and it was all very low key. There were several times I expected the Queen to step out of one of those Limo’s. Felt sorry for some of the abuse Prince Andrew got on the procession. a naughty boy or not it was inexcusable given the situation. Also felt for Prince Harry. It just goes to show doesn’t it Christine that the perfect family situation rarely exists. So I did find it quite difficult after the ceremony and went to bed in the evening after a tearful episode. Later on however we were at the animal A&E with Zoe. Probably Gastro Enteritis but could be due to spinal/nerve issues which is being looked into by a specialist. She’s part Husky/German Shepherd and it’s GSD’s that have hip/spine issue.
You’ll stop crying Christine when the “horrendous” wave has crashed. It’ll be back, but if you get some respite between the waves it’s something but it’s emotionally and bodily draining isn’t it I’m appalled that your family aren’t in touch more frequently. Sometimes I think I’d understand being lonely if I had no family, but the fact that I have yet feel so alone is quite upsetting, so I understand how you feel. It’s like an ambiguous loss in a way.
Going to have to see if I can find any probiotics in the pet shop later as the vet said she should have a probiotics supplement.
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