Hi all,
I’m so upset. Just phoned Dad (after trying many times) to tell him I’m setting off and he was so surprised that it was today and not next week. Why would I make arrangements for 2 weeks time? He’d made other arrangements and even though he said he’d cancel so I could go it has made my anxiety rocket because he just doesn’t understand how difficult it is for me going over anyway (he doesn’t want to listen or accept what I am saying) and now even more so. When I tried to explain how much harder it is now and that I can’t go he said he’d had enough and put the phone down on me. I’ve been very anxious about going all this time and now it will be even worse trying next time. I have all the garden tools in the car for him. I don’t know why I even bother trying. I shouldn’t even try. It is too hard. I can’t go to the garden centre myself so I can’t do my garden now. Everything I try to do is an enormous effort. I should just not try at all and go back to bed. It’s like being closed down. He has no clue how hard this is for me and won’t accept what I tell him. I give up.
Aww Christine I am so sorry to hear this as you had geared yourself up to actually look forward to it…and you’re right knowing how hard it is for you and to take this massive step I think he’s possibly forgotten and is trying to cover his own embarrassment rather than just admit it.
I think he’s possibly hung up to cover his embarrassment and is more to do with him yet it’s you that left to feel like this. What is with people just letting us down?? Obviously I’m not going to disrespect your dad but he has been highly thoughtless but you already are baring the brunt of this 
The fact that you had the tools in the car etc shows to me what a massive step forward you had taken. Could you not possibly go to the garden centre still? I know you don’t like going out in your own but don’t want you to retreat backwards as you’ve moved forwards x
Can you do any work in your garden if creepy neighbour is working?
My friend actually text me asking how I was feeling and was like ‘oh that’s nice’ but turns out she only wanted to know if I had been working with her son this week whose she ice is pregnant….I just replied thanks for asking after me and now she is ignoring me 
x
Will be here if you want to talk xx
Hi Suzanne
Hoping Covid hasn’t got any worse for you and it is being kept at bay somewhat .
Had a tearful moment during shopping this morning. Mum loved koalas and as I was walking round Morrisons they had a Mother’s Day display of soft cuddly animals and yes, there were koalas. I couldn’t believe it. I said out loud " why couldn’t you bloody have them last year when Mum was here". Things like that start me off. I will still buy one and sit it in Mum’s chair in her memory. Dreading Mother’s Day and my birthday in the next month.
The show today is the play Small Island at the National Theatre so not in the West End . Again only cost £20!
Hope your day is going OK so far
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
My mum had a thing about koalas too for some reason but pigs and stingrays were her favourites x
I too am dreading Mother’s Day and think I’m working that day but I often did as mum would rather do something on the Saturday…probably cause it was cheaper lol.
And my birthday is at end of the month and mum and I were meant to be going away for a couple of days so I’ve decided that I will still go away and get away from this place for a couple of days.
I think it’s a fantastic idea of still buying the koala for your mum and honouring her 
Well enjoy your theatre visit and can’t wait to hear about it,
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne
Small Island was a tremendous production. The National is fast becoming one of my favourite venues. Great seat for £20 with loads of legroom . Quite a few school parties in there
Hope your day has been a good one
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
I’ve never been there and looks so lovely. The seats actually look comfy unlike many theatres lol x
What was the play about as not familiar with it? You going to the theatre always educates me and grateful for that.
Today hasn’t been too bad apart from sitting here spending money I probably shouldn’t lol x
Hope your good day becomes a good night and will chat at the weekend if not before
Suzanne x
Suzanne the play was Small Island which was about the Windrush generation who came to this country from Jamaica and the prejudices shown against them x
Hello Christine
How did your visit go to your Dad’s, were you OK? No, it’s not at all silly about you thinking of your Mum’s chair, it’s only natural. The human mind works in some weird ways, especially in times when we aren’t in full control over it. I hope the wasn’t too upsetting. Your Dad must really have been pleased to see you. I’m in awe of you for doing the journey on your own, good on you.
My home is just 30minutes walk to Blackpool Tower and the seafront. I haven’t even been anywhere near the sea front since I lost my Husband though as I feared I’d always be “looking out for him” appearing from one of the amusement arcades. We’d always have a walk through as the 2p coin pushers were a temptation we could never resist!
Hope you treated yourself to something nice from the garden centre. Many years back I’d go mad for bedding plants. There was a stunning crimson geranium, not red or pink but really unusual and I loved them. I am always plagued by caterpillars though and they just wreck the leaves. Another favourite was mesembryanthemum. I reckon that’s not how it’s spelled but they are absolutely gorgeous plants. I agree about gardening being therapy.
You’ll probably have no trouble sleeping tonight with all the activity from your visit. I have really bad tinnitus that’s constant 24/7 so I never know silence and it’s stopping me from sleeping lately so I’m awake at all hours.
Speak soon and look forward to hearing about your visit. xx
Hello Suzanne
I’m still just getting along, thanks for asking.
I’m pretty sure I’ve bitten off more than I can chew with this tidying/sorting. Why is it that you can take 30 items out of a box/cupboard but the same 30 items never fit back in again. I think it’s getting a bit of an obsession as I seem to be getting manic over it.
Hope you are feeling better.
x
Hi Suzanne
Thanks for the tip. I’ll look into that.
I replied to a post further down as I hadn’t seen this one at that point.
Maybe it’s just me that’s not following the posts in the right order !!
x
Sorry Christine did you actually go today? I just saw a post that you did earlier that said
the dates were mixed up and you were upset about it. Sorry to hear that. No wonder you
were upset.
I’m having a right nightmare reading these posts in the right order!
xx
Hello Neil
Always like seeing the photos you post. There is obviously something amiss with me as I couldn’t conjure up enough confidence to step inside a venue where there is likely to be lots of people if my life depended on it. I’ve gone really bad, don’t know whether there’s an element of social anxiety creeping in too.
I can truly imagine how distraught you would be over the Koala, but really nice gesture to buy it anyway, I couldn’t see you letting the opportunity get away from you!
x
Hi Tina
I think why I can get myself out to the theatre is that it was somewhere Mum didn’t go - if she did then I wouldn’t be able to do it as I would be feeling sad about her all the time and wouldn’t enjoy it.
I can’t even go in some shops or our local restaurant we went in every Wednesday as it reminds me of Mum.
Hope your Friday goes well
Best wishes
Neil x
Ooh that sounds something right up my alley…will check that out x
Hi Tina,
I would have been feeling better had NHS Scotland not text me my test results at midnight…then text again at 3am to say I hadn’t updated my close contacts…then again at 7am to say that I still haven’t!!! Give me peace 
Blackpool was one of my mum’s favourite haunts especially when she was younger. I used to hear about this hotel in Charnley Road (pretty sure that’s what it was) everytime we even passed the turn off for Blackpool lol x
I know what you mean about the packing malarkey…I have no patience to put things back bet you’re good at jigsaws lol x
Am thinking of you and your train journey etc and if you need anything we’re here for you xx
Hi Neil, absolutely that makes perfect sense.
Hope a peaceful weekend is yours. x
Hi Suzanne
You brought back memories mentioning Charnley Road! It seems to be one of the roads everyone has stayed in on their holidays.
I hope no-one has a go at me over anything when I get there or I’ll either burst out in tears or rip their heads off. The neighbours on one side are are somewhat domineering and of course being a sole person without my Husband changes things.
Will have to leave dog on it’s own, that’s where having a cat is an advantage!
Have a peaceful weekend.
x
Hello Christine x
Good luck today Tina. Whatever happens it won’t be as bad as you could ever imagine it to be. It’s one day broken into bits so take each bit as it comes and imagine us all there with you. Think what your husband and mam would say to you and be prepared for the neighbours asking their nosy questions. Take each thing as it comes and you wont be overwhelmed. Have a cuppa when you get there after assessing the damage. You could treat yourself to a wander along the beach if there’s time before you go home. Maybe Zoe would like that on your next visit? Let us know how it went. It will be a big day but it can only last so long before you’re back home and telling your brother how it went. Thinking of you xxx
Love to Neil and Suzanne (hope the covid isn’t getting worse and you’re managing to do little bits. Wasn’t able to post yesterday but heard from Dad with a message about Monday for my mot. Will try to go over today if he’s free. If Tina can do it I can try again xxx