Hi Suzanne.
Great pics and thanks for posting. I certainly have seen Book Of Mormon. I saw it about five years ago in the Prince Of Wales Theatre in London where it is still playing. One of my favourite musicals! People who complain about the ‘adult content’ really need to read up on the show beforehand. It is bloody funny though isn’t it?
. Just tried to find my photos from the show from OneDrive but they didn’t upload for some reason. Similar pics of the stage.
West Ham won 2-0 yesterday evening so was pleased about that.
Had a memory come up on FB that reminded me of Mum this morning so that set me back a bit.
Glad you enjoyed the show
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hope everyone is doing ok at the start of another week x
Love to you all and will pop in for a longer chat tomorrow xx
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Hi Tina,
It feels like ages since I posted. Been feeling quite lost again. But I did manage to finish some blogs I’d prepared for listing, ordered offcut carpets for the loft to try to help with heating bills (coming this afternoon), created more textiles (still feel totally detached from it), had to report my compost bin lid stolen to Police and Council, along with stolen passport and birth certificate (creep) and it’s being passed to head of housing and the safer neighbourhood team (should have been done when he carved a hole in the wall and let himself into my house), got my driver’s license sent off, been swimming. Looks like I’ve done a lot but I feel so disconnected to whatever I do. Started crying in the kitchen for no reason other than missing mam and wondering where she is. My sister rang and I missed her call but caught up by text. She’s going back to work again now that her meds have kicked in.
You did make me smile at the coffee in the fridge. I do that. And I keep losing my pen without getting up from where I’m sitting. And very clumsy. Have been sleeping a lot too. Just feel exhausted after the covid. Can’t seem to shake it off.
Hope you don’t get knocked over in the car park! I don’t adventure very far on foot so there’s not much danger of that happening to me. With my anxiety I’m hyper vigilant. But I totally get that thing of being contained in your own head. A woman was wearing a coat mam would have liked and I started crying. I keep thinking of all the things we should have / could have done and wonder why I didn’t. Can’t believe it’s Oct. How have any of us got this far? I really don’t understand it. My sister thinks we should be the happiest and have the most fulfilled lives we can possibly have for mam to live on through us. That’s clearly the meds talking. I don’t know how I will ever truly be happy without her here.
I know it’s upsetting about Zoe but she is loved and well cared for and whatever happens with her dysplasia she knows you will do whatever you can for her. I know it doesn’t help but take comfort in that she is being loved. Porscha has ventured back onto the bed with me and enjoying lots of cuddles. It must be too chilly on the floor on the bed I’d made for her. I’m waiting for her furry cave to arrive. Hope she uses it. Thought it would be a warm nest for her.
Dreading getting the carpets into the loft. It was funny when I had to persuade the delivery boy I was 52 when he needed id for the stanley knife to cut the carpet. He needed to see that I was over 25! I did laugh. It’s funny getting older. The swimming must be keeping me going.
Will have to catch up with all later as I have to get dressed for the carpets coming.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi All
I am back from Barcelona and will bore you all senseless with tales and pictures over the next few days 
I have also brought back and feel as rough as a badgers bum, absolutely horrible but I think it is tradition - travel on a plane, get ill! My friend who went has got something too. Done a covid test and negative at the moment but have been told it can sometimes take a few days to show up on the test so to repeat a couple more times later in the week
Short trip version - it was wonderful. My friend was a great supportive travel buddy. I felt fine during the journey, hotel lovely. Went to the office and my colleagues were so lovely. Visited some beautiful places. Only on the last night did I start to feel horrible but I have been so busy and eaten and drunk so much thought it was just catching up on me and that fear of coming home to an empty home.
Many times I felt like I wanted to get home, mum to be there and tell her everything or to bring her back to Barcelona - she would love it. It reminded me of our many holidays in Tenerife. I kept getting deja vu, like 20 plus times a day - very odd! The only time I really cried was in the Sargada Familia cathedral, just overwhelmingly beautiful and went to the quiet chapel and prayed for all us and our loved ones.
Once home - fever, blocked nose, nausea, sore nose, poorly tummy - the full works!! The cats are looking after me but feeling like that I just missed um all the more - never matters how old you are, you want you mum when you feel ill! The emotions are starting to settle - wish I could say the same for my body!!
Like I said I have taken loads of photos and plant photos for you @christine51. I’ll do some separate posts for each topic and share some and hope I don’t bore you all.
But most of all big thanks for all the support, kind thoughts and encouragement you have given me - couldnt have done it without you all xxx
Beki xx
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Hi all,
Carpet offcuts delivered. Chucking it down. Friend said he’d help me and now is avoiding my calls so will have to try myself. Will take it off the inner roll and reroll to get it up through the loft hatch. Haven’t tried it yet but area cleared to go straight in.
Been sitting creating more textile works and all I can think about is mam. How scared was she to die? She didn’t want to go and the nurses couldn’t believe how long she clung on to life. I remember the horror on her face. I can’t get it out of my head. Don’t know why it’s come up again. I’m absolutely heartbroken for her. I remember her eyes and the gasping. I just can’t let it go. I’m the last face she saw before she passed. I want to rewind time so I can be prepared and know what’s coming. I didn’t do enough to comfort her. I’m not enough. I wish I could have been perfect for her. It’s like it’s just happened and I’m reacting for the first time. I want her to come back so I can swap and take her place so she can be sitting with a cup of tea now and having a normal day. I just don’t see the point of my life without her. I’m empty and nothing matters. I really didn’t feel like this earlier. It’s just hit me again.
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I’m so sorry Christine and am sending a virtual hug. These grief quakes come totally unexpected and hit so hard. I sometimes think about the time Mum sat on the edge of her bed a few weeks before she died and said ‘I’m not going to die am I? I don’t want to die’. I said we all would and if we didn’t get her help and she give it her all she may have 5-10 miserable years of this pain but if we gave it our all no reason we couldn’t have 20 great years - and I truly believed it but there is no script or plan for life and as we say, it is shit.
I know we often think if we knew the death was coming we would be prepared or would behave differently but I don’t think that is the case either. I am sadly watching my friend lose her mother slowly and it is ripping her apart. The simple answer is there is no simple answer, there is never a right time or right approach.
And she wouldn’t have wanted you to be perfect - how very boring! She loved you more than anything for just being you, imperfections and all! And she wouldn’t want to swap places with you because then she would be sat broken at your loss.
I am finding it very difficult right now. Feeling ill and after the high of having been away and it be good, the fresh pain of coming home and not having her to tell my tales to, to not take her there, for my work friends not to meet her. I am trying to rein my over active imagination in and stop thinking of what ifs and the future.Just here and now, this moment.
You have a great deal of point to your life - look what you have started here, and you are able to do that despite those limitations o anxiety. Hell some people can travel the world, have all the confidence and are as much use to others as a chocolate mug.
I hope you can find something of comfort and gentleness this evening.
Beki xx
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@NEILB72…you are very quiet…I do hope you are bearing up and not too overwhelmed just now.
Hope this message reminds you that we are all here for you and very much missed x
Much love 
x
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Hi Suzanne
Had a few bad days. I think it’s now we are in Autumn and thinking about losing Mum and Dad in Oct/Nov. These next few weeks are the last weeks I have of when Mum was still alive and everything was seemingly ’ normal’.
I have a show today though at my local Churchill Theatre in Bromley- Strictly Ballroom The Musical starring Kevin Clifton and Maisie Smith who was in Eastenders . Based on the Baz Luhrmann film from the 90s. My performance is sold out which is great as a lot of London shows are not.
Now I’m 50 I’ve been making a list of interesting places to go in London that I havent been to before or havent been to since I was a child. Things like royal parks, museums, galleries , churches etc and I’ve picked out lots of unusual places not the tourist traps that are a waste of money. Will hopefully go to as many as I can.
Hope your day is as good as can be
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
I understand completely and was saying very similar things to my counsellor just last week. Like you have said in the past one day at a time…baby steps.
Today hasn’t been ‘hard’ on me a such but been reminded by a couple of odd things about mum not being here anymore. I often listen to music on my headphones at work when working the delivery and totally out of the blue George Ezra came on singing Shotgun…last time I heard this was at her funeral. I do not have this song on any of my playlists and have no idea why it would be chosen as not my type of music. Really threw me off course for a wee while. Then at a managers meeting I was asked why I hadn’t gone to the Xmas meal last year and just said cause mum died 3 days before it…again felt weird saying it.
But baby steps….x
Anyway something a bit more lighter…I remember the film Strictly Ballroom lol x it should be quite an entertaining show and look forward to hear how you enjoyed it.
Also love that idea of yours about the list and as hoping to head down again next year as my pal loved it so much if you find anything cheap and quirky let me know 
x
I’m going to do something similar next year so I have at least one thing a month to look forward to. And also cheaper the better lol x
I’m here if you ever want to talk so don’t suffer your bad days alone x have a great time at your show and hope your friend cheers you up tonight when he phones x
Take care and catch up soon x
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How are you feeling today? I look very much forward to seeing your new blogs.
Have the police been in touch again about your missing things? x
How is the carpet going for the loft? x
I’m going to see if I can get a nice old style gas heater for the living room so Cal and I can stay warm without paying those robbing fuel companies anymore than I have to lol x
At the Loch tomorrow as I’m away to Comic Con on Sat and I reckon my pal will pull out as her partner is an arse but that’s another story entirely lol x if that’s the case it may just be me and my goddaughter but I’m fine with that x
Keep us updated as to how you are doing 
x
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@NEILB72 sorry to hear things currently feel tough, the looming dates and change of seasons really don’t help. I have just bought myself a lightbox to have by me on my desk and I do think it is helping. But also think it’s marvellous you’ve got some plans in place. Someone once told me they got a map and drew a circle of 5 miles around them and marked all the free and interesting stuff to do.
@christine51 hope today is being much kinder and gentler to you. Have you moved any of the carpet today? I did so much more walking than usual in Barcelona I think my buttocks are still in shock! I’ve been able to get my photos onto my computer - over 300 But you know what it is like I imagine with textiles - you see a colour or shape and have to get a picture of it. Really hoping it will inspire me over winter to do my glass. I took some of my colleagues some fused glass jewellery I made and they loved it.
I also took lots of plant pictures. My poor garden looks a right mess! Weeds all about and lots of shrubs and bedding plants passed their best and need tidying up but not until I feel better. Am feeling a bit better today. Luckily covid test still says negative so just old fashioned holiday lurgy.
@MichelleY and @Jane36 hope you are both doing well and keeping okay.
Beki x
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Hi everyone
Feeling a bit lighter now as my show really cheered me up.
Based on the film of the same name, Strictly Ballroom was really enjoyable with lots of laughs. You dont have to be a Ballroom dance fan ( I’m certainly not) to like it. I think we had the Kevin Clifton fan club in as the theatre was packed which was good to see.
Sharing some pics below.
Love to you all
Neil x
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Hi Christine.
It’s been a strange few days this week. Two days ago it was my Birthday and yesterday it was my Husband’s anniversary. My Sister offered to take me out for lunch but I’m not a going “outy” kind of person and instead asked if we could go to the next little town to have a mooch around Home Bargains and B and M. A bit conservative I know for a birthday! I should have got drunk with a few drinks but I’m not a drinker and wouldn’t be one of those that would get merry, just depressed!
It does seem like your Sister is starting to feel the effects of the anti-deps in the way that she is talking. I haven’t taken any simply because I’d end up not knowing my own mind, so it’s out of fear really for me. Like I’d be living in an alternative realm. I do praise her though for having the courage take full advantage of something that makes her personally feel better as I gather she has had a tough time at work.
I read about the things that still bother you Christine about your Mum and it’s as I’m reading from my thoughts as well. It’s getting to the point where I’m quite fearful about “revisiting” them and my mind is going into “avoidance” mode. That doesn’t end well. It still doesn’t feel real and it feels like being suspended a bit. Although you are sad that your Mum won’t see your achievements (I’m the same), you find the strength to keep pushing on with them and that takes some doing so well done Christine.
Zoe can’t walk right well at all really which is in complete contrast to when she’s running as she runs like a greyhound! Different functions of the body I guess. Good Porscha is OK. They are right contrary aren’t they pets, we bought Zoe an expensive cooling mat in the Summer and she never used it. Now it’s colder outside and she has the option to sleep on the flufffy carpet she prefers the cold tiles. She’s got dozens of toys and prefers empty plastic pop bottles!!
I’ve got some nice bulbs to plant up later. I’m sure they are within the planting time so will check them out abd will through the rest of the box of grass seed down too. I’ve made such a difference to the garden all on my own but he’ll not take the stuff to the tip that needs to go so don’t know how to get round that yet and I’m not paying someone, so that night prove a bit difficult!
Good luck doing the carpet cutouts in the loft. Shame you may not be getting any help but to be honest I don’t think there’s anything you haven’t turned your hand to so it’ll probably be a piece of cake to you!
I have got one of these diamond painting kits to start, have you seen them! I’ll be past retirement age before I finish it! Not started it yet even!
Well just got to see to this washing so I’ll drop by again soon.
Much love. xx
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Sorry Neil
I had the intentions of replying to your post and went straight into a reply to Christine. I’m obviously not a well person!
The pictures you shared before are great. The film sounded really good. I watched the film and wasn’t really keen but I know things can be different in stage versions. Did you ever watch that film “shall we dance” with Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon. There are some great comedy and touching scenes. I do recommend it.
Sorry you have felt a bit down as well recently. Think we are all feeling a bit that way too. Plus, like you mentioned, you turned 50 in April and it’s quite a significant life event in itself.
Enjoy your weekend in a nice gentle way xx
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Hi Tina
Yes I think I’ve seen Shall We Dance before. Sure I saw it at the cinema. Strictly Ballroom was really good- very camp and Australian with lots of humour and fun. Nice to see the theatre so packed!
Feel a bit better towards the end of the week and next week I get to see the Royal Ballet again. The cast I picked are performing tonight and one or two of my dancing friends will be performing. Hope to catch up with them next week!
By the way I’d like to wish you a belated very Happy Birthday. Did you post on the day as if you did I do apologise I must have missed seeing it. Your husbands anniversary as well I’m not surprised it’s been a funny week . Seems to be like that all the time for me up and down.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Time to spam you with some Barcelona pictures. These are from the famous Sagrada Familia cathedral - so unique and beautiful. As a glass enthusiast it took my breath away. In fact when I walked in I cried. I also took a moment in one of their quiet chapels and said prayers for us all and had a good old sob.
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Hi Beki
Absolutely amazing pics. Thank you so much for sharing. Makes some of mine look a bit rubbish .
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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Evening all 
How is everyone? Been very quiet the last few days but hope all is well with everyone x
@NEILB72 how has your weekend been? What have you been up to? I went to comic con in Edinburgh this Sat and managed to avoid Ewan McGregor lol but saw a few actors from Star Wars and Still game…not to mention all the people in costume. Fulfilled a childhood dream as got to sit in a speeder bike from Return of the Jedi…have dreamt about that since 1983! x
When’s your ballet show this week?
Hope all is well with you as not like you not to post anything.
Take care and look forward to hearing from you x
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@christine51…you’re very quiet again. Are you doing ok?
You been swimming lately or managed to get into your garden? x
Was up at the Loch on Friday as was busy on the Sat and it was super busy for it being the end of the season. It was nice to see the kids wanting to hear all about our local wildlife x one wee lad kept telling me all the animals he knows that are predators x
Weather up here is definitely changing and getting chillier in the morning but luckily it’s still bright and sunny in the afternoon x
Let us know when you’re new blog is up so can read it.
Take care and chat soon x
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