A couple of photos from comic con
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Hi Suzanne
Brilliant pics. Looks like you had a great time 
xx
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Hi everyone.
Been a bit quiet but had nothing to post really. West Ham won again yesterday, had counselling today and looking forward to Mayerling on Saturday. Just been talking to someone on Instagram who lives near me who is also going Sat so hope to meet up at some point. Will be nice to hopefully see the dancers again . One or two know Iām going ( gives them a chance to escape 
). They have been a lifesaver for me when I have been at my lowest point.
Sending love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
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Glad to hear from you Neil and hope your counselling is still of some benefit to you because I know mine is and canāt believe I only have 4 more sessions with her.
That would be braw if you could meet up with someone local to you that shares your love of the ballet.
Will check in and see how your doing mid week as know thatās your harder days.
Until then take care and chat soon 
x
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Hi @NEILB72 and @christine51, I hope you are both well.
I know what you mean Neil, itās been very quiet with me too.
But I am looking forward to going away with my family in two weeks, half term. We are going to Hunstanton, itās become a bit of a new tradition to remember Doug on his birthday. He would have been 83yrs on 19th October.
Iām off work at the moment I caught covid again, staring to feel alot better and hope to be back at work on Thursday.
Christine, I havenāt done much work in the garden lately, if I feel up to it later I will cut the grass. The garden is looking very autumnal. My chrysanthemum look lovely and I still have the odd roses in bloom, and dahlias out and my Pyracantha looks lovely with its bright orange berries.
I know Christmas is coming ever nearer which many of us dread. It wasnāt as bad as feared for me last year being my first without Doug.
I do celebrate it as a religious celebration and of course my advent calendar for this year reflects that. Doug and I always used to argue whose going to open the first window, because it makes a difference to who gets to open on Christmas Eve. Silly I know but a lovely memory and Iāll be thinking of him in fondness and with a smile when Iām opening everyday this year.
Hi to everyone else, hope your all okay.
Sending love
Debbie X X
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Hi Debbie
Lovely pics. Thank you for posting them.
Will be lovely for you to have that break in a couple of weeks. I am sure you will feel your husband there with you ( as you probably do wherever you go).
As you know Tuesdays are my worst day although today its about Dad. He went in hospital on this day ( Kings College, London) and after two weeks never came home again. I can still remember every day of those two weeks. Mum was walking around still then and I just realise how her mobility went downhill after that . So remembering Dad today .
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Sending a hug Neil, those memories never leave our minds.
We relive them especially on anniversary days.
I know how your mum felt, I know my own health has gone downhill since losing Doug. She would have been heart broken. Itās lovely she had you to support her until it was her time to rejoin your dad.
Sending love and hugs and remembering your dad.
Debbie x
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Sending you hugs Neil today as those memories must be very upsetting for you.
Always here for you x
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Hi Beki,
Iām back. Feels like ages since I was here and always feel very guilty when I donāt post but I really couldnāt do it. I did try and just couldnāt. Iām finding it so difficult again and waking at 5 am trying to make sense of mam not being here and wondering if she is happy where she is now. I seem to be crying at the slightest thing. Was swimming and quite amused watching the peeps doing water aerobics (the slowed down version for the over 60ās) and I suddenly thought theyāre all going to die and wondered if they knew what was coming. I imagined them all floating around me again and nearly started crying. Had to fight myself to not get out. Then yesterday I started crying at the skip. Because of all the gardening and taking down the shed Iāve been quite a bit in the last year and got chatting a little bit to some of the blokes who always help me. The sexy one asked how I was doing because he knew about mam and I just started crying and he kept asking me stuff and I just couldnāt hold it in. I finally escaped when he got a phonecall but he was asking when I was going back. I find people being kind to me just heartbreaking. If I can do stuff with no interaction at all then Iām ok and can get through it. I feel absolutely mortified but he seemed quite concerned. He asked if I went to church because he believes and that was comforting. If I can start believing and maybeās read mamās bible (we all got a couple each) then maybe I will be able to move forward because Iām in such a state again. I canāt get passed it, trying to make sense of things.
I must say your pics of the beautiful church are truly inspiring. Iāll save them for a xmas window project. I saved Debbieās too. You were so very brave to go to Barcelona. It took some courage. I was thinking of you when I was standing in the post office in a total panic. I thought if you could fly to another country then I can at least try to do this, and I did.
Got one of my new blogs listed and have ore on the way. It feels so odd, like I know I wrote it but canāt remember when. Hereās a link How To Create Skin In Textile Art (mrxstitch.com)
Will catch up again as I work through everyoneās posts.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Sorry I havenāt posted for a while. Iām really not coping very well. Like you say, Autumn reminds me of mam, planting up baskets together. It was her favourite time of year. Iām waking up really early again, trying to make sense of what has happened and just aching to be able to hug her and tell her how much she is loved and how my life makes no sense at all without her. Itās like carrying an emptiness inside of me. Itās always there. Iāve been swimming and done my blogs but itās such a blur. Itās like feeling lost. But hereās my new one
How To Create Skin In Textile Art (mrxstitch.com)
Just starting to post to everyone so working through. Sure Iāll come back to you again. I think your to do list is a great idea, visiting all the parks etc. I really want to go to a prayer service at the church just up the road but still havenāt summoned up the courage yet. Thereās a service at 6 or 6.30 so it will be dark which helps me go out. Might take a few tries before I can actually get inside but when I do I will think of you at your lovely church service.
Lots of love for now xxx
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Hi Christine
Lovely to hear from you again. Please do not feel guilty about not posting for a while. Absolutely no problem at all. I havent posted much as nothing really been happening.
This is going to be a very difficult few weeks for us and I just cant get my head round the fact itās nearly a year .Really is so unbelievable.
Going to church services has helped me as it is a safe place to think of Mum and Dad and say a prayer for them. Iāve been invited to my local church remembrance service-only thing with that is the church is just across the road from me and reminds me of Mum. The churches in London have no connection to her and thatās why I go there.
Will be seeing my Ballet friends performing on Saturday so hope to post some pics if I can.
Really lovely to see you post again
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Suzanne
Just starting to catch with up with everyone again. Not been coping at all but have managed to pull myself together a bit and hope I can keep going. Been swimming a few times a week. If I plan ahead and itās booked I go for half an hour and get quite a bit of swimming in. Totally embarrassed myself at the skip when I started crying and couldnāt get away from the lovely sexy young man who always chats to me. If only I was 30 years younger! Not sure if he was being nice or liked me in that special way. So out of touch with the normal world I really have no clue now. But Iāll be mortified next time I go.
No news on the stolen passport etc but did get my license renewed. Terrible photo !
Got the carpets laid in the loft. Looks fab. And have just had more delivered so will get those done tomorrow. Hereās some pics
The house is warmer already and I still have the eaves to finish. Been putting the heating on for a couple of hours on an evening just to get the clothes dried as I donāt have a tumble dryer.
Really pleased with the loft. Itās now an accessible workplace / storage where I can root around in my plastic tubs to get what I need rather than bring it all down and then put it all back up again.
Hereās a link to my newest blog. I was just saying to Neil and Beki about how lost I feel and even though I know Iāve done stuff itās all a blur. I have moments of clarity in amongst the general fog.
Catching up with all so Iām sure Iāll be getting back to you again. So pleased Iām able to post again. Feel very lost when I donāt but sometimes itās just too hard.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Tina,
I am so so sorry for missing your birthday. I havenāt a clue how long ago I was chatting with you all. Iāve felt so lost and upset recently and have lost all sense of time. But hopefully Iām back on track again, though feeling vey fragile.
You did very well indeed getting out to the shops to mooch about. Iād much rather do that too than have a meal or a drink. I donāt drink now either and canāt sit still long enough to enjoy anything outside of my own house. Thatās why swimming is something I can do, always on the move. Iāve been a few times a week now and although itās boring and I donāt want to talk to anyone Iām keeping it going for the fitness side of things. Not losing any weight though!
I wasnāt able to return my sisters call but I am pleased that sheās feeling better on her meds. She loves her job and does seem better able to cope when sheās busy at work. She did say that all we can do is to lead a happy and productive life, that mam lives on through us. Sheās having counselling but isnāt able to do bereavement therapy yet as sheās not in a stable enough place. If she lived closer I would have met up with her for walks in the park, bike rides etc but that isnāt how things are. Havenāt heard from anyone else again.
Iāve been feeling so lost again and completely heartbroken, waking up at 5 and just wanting mam. Itās like a recurring nightmare. I never dream of mam and wish I could. I feel so hollow and empty without her. I just donāt see the point in doing anything and have no connection to what I am doing. One of my blogs was listed. Have no recollection of when I did it but hereās a link
How To Create Skin In Textile Art (mrxstitch.com)
I hope Zoe isnāt in a lot of pain when sheās walking. My sister had a German Shepherd so I know how their back legs can go funny. You did make me laugh about the cooling mat and all her toys, preferring pop bottles instead. I bought Porscha a little fluffy cave bed where the top comes over to keep her warm for winter. She wonāt even poke her nose in it. Might use it as a foot warmer!
Iād love to see some new pics of your garden. I just donāt understand your brother not taking the stuff to the skip. Youāve done all the hard work and canāt do that bit so need his help. If I was near you I would take it. Youāll see from my other posts that I started crying at the skip when the lovely man asked how I was doing and then wouldnāt let me go. I canāt believe how emotional I am in public. Thatās just not me at all. Iām so contained usually. Just canāt hold it in. I will be mortified next time I go!
I did quite a few jobs today, sorting bulbs and seeds I had dried, moved and renewed the hay in the outdoor hutch and layered it with plastic for the winter. Hoping the family of hedgehogs return from last year.
Will be able to get in now to cut back the dead overhang over the big pond and encourage new growth.
Hung up bird feeders and fat balls around the patio. Miss the birds since I had to stop feeding them because of the rats but now the repairs are finished it should be ok.
If you have a bird feeder for seeds and they wonāt use it take the middle out and store fat balls
Secured the plastic dolls house between the trees and hope a bird will nest in it
Still have the trellises and posts to put up, planting up pots where the shed was
Amazed thereās still colour in the garden considering I havenāt been out there since having covid in August (apart from a tidy up and doing rocks on one day)
Debbie posted some lovely Autumnal pics (spotted when I was racing through to see how much I had to catch up on).
See my post to Suzanne for the carpets in the loft. Itās transformed the space. I have more to lay tomorrow to finish off under the eaves. The house is already warmer. Itās so cold tonight.
Your diamond painting kit sounds intriguing. Would love to see a pic. Iāve been drying my wooden bits off the shed to add mirrored squares. Hope they stick!
Really running out of energy again. This covid has really knocked the stuffing out of me. Not sure if Iāll get the next booster jab. Donāt think my immune system can take it.
Will have a quick break with TOWIE and then get cracking again. So relieved to be posting again. I really do miss you all when Iām not posting.
Lots of love xxx
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So beautiful the way the sun and light streams in. Iāll use this pattern for my xmas window textile I have lined up, along with all the other projects waiting for me in the loft! Glorious colours !
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Made me laugh thinking of the little boy telling you about all the predators! You could have added the creep to the list. That would certainly have given him nightmares. x
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Hi Neil,
Iām so pleased the ballet is starting again. It will be lovely for you to catch up with some of the dancers, even if it is a quick one. Would they perhaps go for drinks afterwards? Be nice to get together properly, or a coffee. Theyāre probs very busy. But it is wonderful rather special !
xxx
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The one with the dreds reminds me of a massive head dress I made at college. Takes me back nearly 20 years. So pleased you had a fab day out. Iām not really into Star Wars or scifi but do remember going to see the original at the cinema when I was a kid. I dropped my icecream and cried most of the way through it! Those were the days when the ladyās came round selling fags and whatever else in their very smart outfits with little hats during the ads with Pearl and Dean booming in the background.
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Hi Debbie,
Iām back again after being on a downward spiral of missing mam. Iām close to tears all the time and youāll see in my posts I cried at the skip (mortified!) but I seem to be evening out now. Iām totally lost off with how long Iāve been away from posting so have been catching up with everyone.
Your garden is indeed very Autumnal! Beautiful berries for the birds. I actually hung my seeds and fatballs up today now that the weather is turning and all the loft work is complete after the rats. They canāt get in now so hope I can feed the birds with any bother. I miss my blue tits and little robin. Youāll see I posted pics of my hutch with new straw. I do hope the hedgehogs return this year. It was so lovely catching them on a morning tottering out for a quick wee and then going back to bed! It was the first day in the garden since I did the rocks in the pond and didnāt get back out again. Been looking at pond plants on Amazon but canāt decide yet. Will clear the pons area and then decide. Have lots of work to do but itās going to rain most of this week so I might not get much done. Hopefully will get the spikes for the posts in between showers. You have such a lot of colour still in your borders. You are such a good gardener. Most of my plants died in the heatwave or were eaten by fat slugs. I think I took on too much with all the plug plants and the resculpting in the Spring and Summer. I discovered some buds on my roses today and the geraniums are still flowering but the garden is mostly bare. Donāt know if Iāll do winter pansies. Will have to plant out the pots first into the garden if Iām up to it.
Still have so little energy from covid in August. Itās ridiculous how itās affected me. I have bursts of energy, like doing the carpets in the loft, but am then exhausted again and have to sleep after swimming. I hope you get over yours soon. Working in such a social setting will put you at constant risk. Will you be getting the booster jab? Iāve been offered it but donāt know whether I should.
Been saving this pic for you from the loft. Thought of you straight away with your spider phobia1 Itās so wafty and intricate, beautiful, like a fine crochet.
I got one of my blogs listed from whenever I did it (I have lost all sense of time, just a blur) but hereās a link
How To Create Skin In Textile Art (mrxstitch.com)
I have my creating a shrine article for mam listed on 25 Nov to celebrate her first year anniversary. Makes me well up just thinking of that date getting closer. I love your calendar. Mam always got lovely church advent calendars for us. I donāt know if I can bring myself to get one in memory of her or whether it will be too upsetting. Iām dreading xmas and all the build up to it. We did so much as a family and none of that will ever happen again. It all started with mams little warty gourds for Halloween and then going to a Bonfire display across from the old house. If it was a school night weād rush over and mam would have hot pasties waiting for before we went. Then there was the visits to Van Hagues to see the winter displays and beautiful baubles. Iād always help to decorate their house for xmas, putting up garlands and making wreaths from the garden foliage. Thereād be the food order and Iād be in charge of cakes because it was the only thing I was interested in. And Iād dash over there xmas day in my fancy dress, helping in the kitchen and laying the table. And Iād do it all again Boxing Day with my sis and kids. None of that will ever happen again. I canāt bear it that sheās not here. I just canāt accept that sheāll never have another xmas. I just canāt celebrate it without mam. She is xmas. I canāt let it go. Losing mam is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. I donāt know how to be without her.
Sorry Debbie. Iāve been avoiding thinking of xmas and itās getting closer.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Iām so sorry I missed your Dadās anniversary. Itās all just so painful. Iām in floods of tears again. I donāt know how you cope with both parents being gone and having had such a loving relationship. That is both a comfort and a torment I feel. I ache for mam to come back. I canāt accept itās real. Her first year anniversary is getting closer now and Iām dreading it. I just donāt want any of this to be real. When mam was in hospital I kept ringing and the nurses wouldnāt even tell me how she was or let me talk to her because dad didnāt put me on the list of relatives. He still didnāt add me when I explained I couldnāt get any information. My two sisters and auntie were on the list. I donāt understand why he would do that to me. I was going out of my mind with worry. But I was there for the last few days and was with her when she left. It is the hardest thing I will ever do. I just want to be with her. Iām not doing as well as Iād hoped again.
Lots of love xxx
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Do you think going to the church across the road might bring you some comfort, to bring your mam and dad closer to you? Iām hoping that will happen for me if I am able to go to the one up the street. Mam stopped going to church in the end because dad wouldnāt go in and would sit in the car outside instead of just sitting at the back. She stopped doing so many things that were of value to her. I wish I had gone with her when I went over there. But Iām so claustrophobic I couldnāt have sat still for long. I wonder if it will get less painful as the years roll on. I canāt imagine being broken like this forever.
Looking forward to your pics of the ballet. Always reminds me of being a little girl in my tutu and pink slippers. I can still remember the exercises we had to do for homework on a Friday evening and Iād use the dining room table for stretching. Mam made all of our costumes. My sister was always a boy because she was so tall. When I was very anorexic I was able to wear her sparkly shorts from the performance. She was 7. I miss having that level of control in my life. Iām really not coping at all. I just want everything to go back to normal so I can hurtle my way through life like I always used to. Iāve run out of energy again and canāt sleep. But Iāll go now and try to get some rest.
Lots of love xxx
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