Love the Crucible…one of my favourites so please let us know how you enjoy it x
Crazy that the train fare costs more than the ticket 
x
So pleased to hear you are doing better this week…massive step forward 
x
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@christine51…saw this and thought it would remind you that you are not alone in their family hiding their grief.
We’re all still here for you 
x
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Hi Suzanne
Seen a few Arthur Miller plays ( Death Of A Salesman my favourite) so looking forward to this one. The National always puts on great work and certainly for cheaper prices than the West End.
Will definitely put a post up on Wed
Hope you are well
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Beki
I was actually reading about this a couple of days ago as someone had mentioned it. I was at the museum about 3 weeks and it wasnt on then so hoping to make a return visit soon. It does look really good. Thanks for thinking of me and drawing it to my attention.
Got a cultural day tomorrow- Lucian Freud exhibition and The Crucible play .
Not into Shakespeare but love history so hoping to do a day at the Globe- Henry V in the indoor playhouse and possibly a tour.A one off thing to do on my bucket list!
Hope you are well and had a good Tuesday
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Enjoy your show today Neil 
Funny enough I have never seen nor read Death of a Salesman and purely because my friend did it at school (so a wee while back lol) and she hated it so much i think she put me off it x one day I will go see it lol x
Can’t wait to hear what you think of it and your Lucian Freud (that’s right isn’t it?’ event.
Enjoy yourself as you deserve it x
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Hi Suzanne
I dont know whether I posted clearly or not but it’s the Crucible I’m seeing today ( for £10😃). Death Of A Salesman is one of the best plays I’ve seen. Other Arthur Millers I’ve seen are The American Clock and All My Sons.
Freud should be interesting. Very strange and sometimes a bit disturbing stuff he painted and this exhibition covers his whole career. The National Gallery normally exhibits older art than this so it’s a bit different for them too. Membership renewed so I see it for free- £24otherwise!
Hope you have a good day
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil
You sound really bright in that post, good on you. I may see if I can find a pharmacy to do my Flu Jab. I can’t imagine getting both on the same day like last year.
Its a bit of reassurance to know that you’ve experienced all these daft thing moments as well. Mum always used to say A place for everything and everything in its place but I never mastered that one!
Keep doing well Neil
xx
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Hi Christine
Just wanted to say Hello again and hope you are as OK as possible.
I didn’t get to check out your blog when I said I was so I’ve just had a look. It’s fascinating. I’ve never known anyone that collects snake skin sheds before. How unique.
Will drop by again soon, got to dash as Zoe’s barking at someone and she’s not allowed to go up and down stairs unnecessarily.
Much love xx
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Evening everyone.
Thought I would share a few pics from today’s trip into London. Lucian Freud exhibition was very good ( certainly lots of naughty bits on display 
).
I then made a visit for the first time to St Clement Danes church which is the RAF church and said prayers for Mum and especially Dad for next week.
Then The Crucible at the National which was very good with great performances. It was being filmed for cinema screenings in a few months time.
Hope you have all had as good a day as possible.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
Pictures look great and very atmospheric x
Sorry think I was the cause of confusion as I knew you were seeing the Crucible today but had just meant I loved that play but had never seen Death of a Salesman….me confusing you lol x
Glad youhad a great day and bargain seat price 
x You also seem to have had not bad weather or was it chilly? x
Hope you are able to have a good sleep and round the day off well.
If this message is full of spelling errors etc it’s cause I don’t have my glasses on x
Hope the next couple of days are good to you and will chat soon x
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Lovely photos Neil, glad you had a good day out.
Sending love
Debbie x
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Hi all, sorry not quite as chatty today. Bit of a strange day as it is Doug’s birthday. Work was a bit stressful, but better when I got home and I spent time with my family. Hard to believe where the time has gone, his second birthday since I lost him, doesn’t get any easier.
Sending love
Debbie x
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Hi Tina,
Yes, my sister’s children collected the shedded snakeskins and the plan is to use it in my work. Have never heard from my sister since she stopped speaking to me in Jan or Feb. Haven’t heard from my niece. Or my dad. But my sis up north has left messages and rang a few times. I just can’t talk to her. It feels like mam has just died and I’ll not be able to talk to her without getting upset and I don’t want to upset her. I can’t pretend I’m coping because I’m not. Just can’t bear it. Was thinking of all the holidays mam will never have again. I just want to take her place because I can’t bear the pain of her not being here. I had a good day today because I cut down the tree overhanging the roof. It was scraping the tiles in the wind so I thought I’d sort it out and did loads and felt better for doing something physical in the garden because I hadn’t been able to for ages. And then it hit me as I was watching tv. How much it hurts that I can’t talk to her. I’ll never talk to her again. I don’t know if she exists anywhere. How can she just not be anymore? How can that happen to a person? To just stop being? It’s driving me mad I can’t make sense of it and it doesn’t matter how I try to reason with myself. I don’t want to exist without her. I want to be nothing, like she is now. It’s nearly a whole year that she hasn’t been alive. She isn’t with her parents in their grave like she wanted to be because dad hasn’t taken her up there. I long to have her visit me as a ghost. I just need to know she is at peace so I can stop worrying about her. I don’t want her to be alone and lost. I need her to come back now. I can’t just keep filling in the emptiness. It’s harder. Sometimes I think it’s ok again but then I realise it really isn’t and never will be again. I need her to know how dearly I love her and I’m desperately sad that she is gone. I don’t want to keep going I want it all to stop so I don’t have to try any more. I’m so exhausted. I don’t see the point of being. When I die it will be like I never existed because nobody will be that bothered. When people have asked me if I have children and I say I don’t they always say ‘Oh, I’m sorry’ and I reply that I’m not sorry because I never wanted kids. I always wanted to be an artist and that is what I am. But it doesn’t mean anything now. It’s an emptiness. Sorry. I’m just so upset I can’t hide from it. And expressing it always seems to get rid of it when it builds up. Until the next time. Why do any of us keep going? I don’t know why we keep trying. Is it because we are told that’s what we need to do?
I’ve got a car full of tree branches for the skip and can’t face going after crying last time. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. I’m not a fragile person normally and never cried before mam (and if I did it was in private). It’s like not being able to pretend that everything is fine. I just can’t stop crying for my mam. I miss her so much and I need to know that she knew how loved she was because I was never any good at telling her. And I can’t ask anyone apart from my sis up north and she was never here to see that I loved mam more than anything in this world. Why didn’t I tell her when she was here? It would have made her so happy.
I’m so sorry Tina. I can’t keep it all in. And I don’t want to upset you. I know how hard it is for you too. Have you been sorting any more diamantes for the garden? I still have my bits of wood to decorate. Might make a start on that tomorrow. Sand the wood a bit for the mirrors to stick. I thought I’d do one for each of us and maybe hang them on the xmas tree I’ll get for the garden for mam like last year because I’ll not be able to face xmas. I’m dreading it so much. I can’t even bear to think about it. I keep remembering mam in the last xmas jumper she ever bought, coming out the kitchen serving dinner, all smiles. It was in the old house. She didn’t have xmas in the new place. I wonder what I’ll do with all her xmas stuff in the loft. I might put the little houses under the xmas tree in the garden if it doesn’t snow. Do it for mam. I always set it all up for her on top of the xmas tree. She was always so happy because I took such care over it with the little lights inside of the houses and fake snow for the children to sledge down the hill. I keep thinking of all the lovely things I could have bought her. I always loved getting the perfect pressie for everyone. That was the best bit. Mam loved reading. I think I got her a box set last xmas and she loved it. I don’t even know if she finished reading it. How do I not know this? All the details of not knowing and having nobody to ask is driving me mad. I’m drowning in the isolation of not having mam to tell me everything. I didn’t know how much I relied on her. I thought I was more independent. I’ll never be able to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’. I simply cannot understand how everyone else is doing just that, living without mam. I can’t do it. It’s so hard. It’s unbearable.
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Hi Debbie,
I’m so sorry I forgot it was today. You are so lucky to have the support of your family, to celebrate his life and to continue loving him. Did you have a cake? I have nobody to celebrate mam’s anniversary with in about 5 weeks. Just posted to Tina. I’m in bits again and for no reason after having a productive day in the garden. Hit me like a tonne of bricks, like she’d just left again. It keeps happening. I can’t trust myself that I won’t not cry in public again, that I can’t keep it locked inside. I’m so sorry you don’t have Doug with you. But I’m sure he will have enjoyed you all getting together and celebrating. You are such a loving family and he will feel that. I’m crying for you and Doug as well as my mam. I’ve never ever known such sadness. It’s unbearable.
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Hi Neil,
Such a beautiful church. I’ll Google Freud tomorrow as I’m always interested in the naughty bits! You are truly inspiring with all your theatre and ballet. I’m really not doing well at all. Just posted to Tina and you’ll see how utterly devastated I feel again. It hits me from nowhere, for no reason at all. Will chat again tomorrow. Just wanted to say hi and I really do admire the way keep going. I can’t face swimming. Didn’t go after therapy because I felt so ill, really drained. But I am looking for to the new series of The Handmaids Tale on Sunday. Did you watch it before? Brilliant.
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Hi Suzanne,
Just a quick hello as I feel so drained (see my post to Tina). Been crying most of the evening. Don’t know why. It’s like mam has just left. I can’t stop crying. The sadness and desperate need to talk to mam is overwhelming. I can hardly see now my eyes are so sore. I really don’t know how much more I can take. It never seems to end and is just as intense. My sis up north keeps ringing but I can’t talk to her because I can’t hide how upset I am and she’ll be banging on about taking medication because that’s what she’s doing. And I really don’t want to upset her if h=she’s coping again. I can imagine how very fragile she is feeling. It seems like she’s the only one who cares and is was so upset that she couldn’t function. I don’t want to ruin her new stability.
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Hi Christine
So sorry to read you are feeling very down again. I know I will be feeling like this again soon. It’s the ups and downs that are so unpredictable . I’m going into the pharmacy Mum and I used for my Covid jab tomorrow- one of the last places Mum went to. One good thing, I usually have some anxiety the day before I face anything that reminds me of Mum, like anniversaries etc but my friend is phoning this evening as he had to work late yesterday, so that will help my mindset going into tomorrow and Dads 7 year anniversary on Tues.
Freud did some great art and some real pervy stuff too. The stuff online, most of it would have been featured in the exhibition as it covered his whole life.
The church was a spur of the moment visit as I had some spare time before theatre and it was lovely inside. The official church of the RAF where the books of remembrance are kept. Dad would have liked to see inside and it was fitting I said prayers for him and Mum while I was there. Does give me some comfort.
Hope you will have a much better day today , will speak again soon.
Sending you love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
I can’t imagine feeling like this for years. I don’t know why it’s getting harder and more frequent. I had a productive day yesterday and managed to get the bags into the car for the skip before the rain so I could go to the skip today and have a swim but I just can’t face it. I can’t stop crying again.
It’s so good that your friend is there to keep you going. My sis from up north keeps phoning but I can’t talk to her because I don’t want to upset her. She’s on new medication and it seems to be working because she’s back at work again. I know she’ll be banging on about me needing medication and getting angry that I won’t do it. Her attitude is that I won’t help myself if I refuse. I don’t want to be a zombie, not feeling anything. I need to work through grief as it comes. It’s so incredibly painful. She will be putting pressure on me to phone dad, saying that he misses me. He hasn’t phoned and I know he finds me intolerable. I don’t have the energy to deal with that pressure. She has no idea what it feels like to be so disliked by my own parent. I haven’t done anything to deserve it. I can’t be someone else.
Good luck with your booster jab. Not sure if I’ll get mine again. You are right about the anticipation of going to the pharmacy. The trick is to play it through in your head, like a film. Your reactions to it will be real and the more you do it the more diluted those reactions will be. I often think of you on your quiet days, knowing how hard it is, as I do for us all. Like I said before, you are an inspiration in picking yourself up and getting to your events which bring you happiness. Nothing seems to be working for me now that I view everything I do as filling in time.
My plans for today are getting winter blankets down from the loft, putting my pinned textiles into the loft because I just can’t face sewing and I’ll try to update my website with my blogs over the last year. I was working on updating the websites when mam went into hospital and that’s why I’ve avoided it. It’s not hard to do. I just have a mental block. And I’ll look at Freud’s artwork. Always fascinated by studies of the mind and ways of seeing. That’s why I still go to therapy.
Have you thought what you’ll do to mark your Dad’s anniversary? Mam’s is in about 5 weeks (25th Nov) and I’m dreading it because I’ll be alone and unable to mark the occasion in any meaningful way. Suzanne posted a thing about grieving when the family are hiding their grief and feeling so alone. It’s so true. I want to do something for mam but it will be done in private. She would have got everyone together to celebrate. I feel so inadequate because I’m not valued or listened to and anything I say or think is disregarded. Mam was the only one who loved me.
Will get dressed now and make a start. It’s getting harder each day and doesn’t help that the days are shorter. Think I’ll sit by the window and enjoy the rain while the creep is out. Hope to see the birds at the feeders. There were some tiny blue tits yesterday.
Lots of love xxx
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So sorry to hear it is hitting you hard again @christine51. These short days and long nights don’t help - especially when the day is grey and dull. I have bought a lightbox for my study desk which I do think helps. Also filling the house with fairy lights and battery operated candles to add some warmth and cosiness.
Thought you might like to see this. When I paddled in Barcelona, it is very fine sand and as my feet sunk in this pebble popped out the sand (was a bit freaked at first as wasn’t sure what it was!).
Thought it was lovely and brought it home with me
A few days after coming home this popped up on my facebook:
Beki x
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