Forgot to say, I wish I had a tropical fishtank so I could get lovely wafty things like in your photos. Are they sea urchins? They remind me of the rubber toys my little nephew collected when he was younger.
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Hi Suzanne,
Itās lovely to see you posting. I know youāve had a very busy week.
Yes, it was a total shocker! My sister wanting to move away and it now happening are two very different things, both fueling my anxiety since mam left and she told me out the blue. I had no idea. She said now that mam isnāt here sheās free. Still donāt know what that means. But sheās determined to move and has ignored me since Feb without even telling me why she stopped speaking to me. I was so grief stricken at that time I could barely even text. So when she was ignoring my texts I let it slide. Sheāll never speak to me again and my niece wonāt go against my sister / her mam. So I will collect the rocks because they were from the old garden, any potted plants that have survived being totally neglected, dadās pump for the pond and lights, my green compost bin and the huge compost bin I bought her. Iāll dig out the irises if I can and save any plants because the garden will be totally neglected. Iām really not looking forward to it because my niece claims I am the one who ignored her, despite her cancelling swimming so many times that I just gave up trying to see her. Itās so upsetting to think my little nephew wonāt grow up knowing me the way the others did. We would always play tricks on my mam, rummaging for treats and pinching the chocs off the xmas tree. I donāt even know what he feels about his grandma not being here. Itās very distressing.
My therapist has listened to my grief and given me a lot more time when I was desperate. He says I need to let go because Iām punishing myself by returning to the past and wanting to perfect it. He says there will come a time when I think of mam without the upset but I donāt know how I can do that. Sheās with me in the garden but then reality slaps me down because she isnāt here.
Been thinking more about trying to go to the church for the evening service, just to sit in the back and think of mam but I know Iāll be heartbroken because I didnāt take her and she would have loved it. Iām getting upset now. Why didnāt I think outside of myself, getting all the jobs done, actually sitting down and chatting to her when I was stressed with everything that needed doing. My sis up north said I should have just told dad no, that I was not doing the garden etc. Easy to say when she wasnāt here and not the only one under the pressure to do everything for them. I just couldnāt cope in the end. Iāve always been the one to be doing stuff. The others are very ready to tell me I shouldnāt have done it. But if I didnāt they wouldnāt and then it wouldnāt get done. Iām back to going over old ground, justifying to myself that I did do enough, that I couldnāt have done more, that it was too much for me and I shouldnāt feel guilty but I do for all the things I didnāt do. Itās so exhausting carrying the weight of this self doubt and wishing I was perfect. If I had my disabled bay when they were at the old house it would have reduced my anxiety about leaving and returning home because I wouldnāt have to worry about parking and having panic attacks. I wish I could tell mam because Iāve battled for about 3 years to get this and she always supported me. I just want her know I got it eventually. Iām so upset again just thinking of all the things I canāt tell her.
Iām dreading the moving away and then being faced with the reality of how isolated I am. And then I have the anniversary with the pressure to go over to dad after what he did and my sister defending him because heās ānot coping very wellā. It seems ok for everyone to treat me like shit because they arenāt coping. I canāt face going when I know they all dislike me for whatever their reasons. Iām not a horrible person. The children love me and always have. Mam loved me. I donāt know what the issue is. My sis told me I am very controlling. I have anxiety. I have to be in control of what Iām trying to do. It seems I keep trying to justify who I am to myself. Iāve never felt so bullied in my life. I donāt know who they want me to be.
Popping off now to get some food. Iām famished. Porsch did so well today. Iām so proud of her!
Lots of love xxx
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Hello again. Pleased you mentioned the clocks. Mam always had to tell me this stuff because I donāt seem to know when things are happening. I feel so lost without her.
Are you dressing up for Halloween? I was a freaky serial killer one year. We always had fab parties with the kids. I was darlik another year. Pinched my nephews costume. I miss being part of things.
xxx
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Hi Neil,
So pleased to see you again but can imagine how hard your dadās anniversary has been. Itās hard to imagine 7 years of feeling like this. I donāt reach out to anyone apart from on here, so no Samaritans or grief counselling. Is it getting the upset out and having someone listen to you that helps? Or is it that they are objective in getting you to move beyond this part of grief, to go forward on the grief journey? As you know I am finding things incredibly unbearable.
Your flowers are fabulous! I always bought mam lovely things but now I seem to think much harder about what I could or should have bought. Canāt imagine how awful it will be to meet my family to celebrate mam. Iām not allowed to be upset or be agoraphobic or have a panic attack or be me. So think Iāll swerve that one. I feel bullied enough.
Youāll have read in my posts about my sister moving away. My anxiety has sat with me since last xmas when she told me and now itās happening I feel abandoned all over again. Mam left and the family fell apart, or rather they are all ok together and Iām alone. You are so lucky Neil that you had a loving relationship with both parents and gave each other support when it was needed. Iām sure I wouldnāt be so broken if I had a stable relationship with my family. Itās stressful being pulled apart but the isolation is immense. Thereās no middle ground.
I know you will probably say no, but if thereās a show coming up and I could get the ticket for you to collect at the door Iād be very happy to do that. It seems a long time to go until your next one and I know how happy it makes you feel just for that short time. Please donāt be offended. Call it an early xmas pressie. I wonāt be celebrating xmas and, like you all, Iām absolutely dreading it.
Must grab a bite now. Iām starving!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi all,
Some Autumnal pics from tother day.
Geraniums still flowering
despite the cold which has demolished the peony
Fig tree is starting to lose itās golden leaves. Iāll try to tackle the clear up every day if poss as it becomes a huge job otherwise
Dahlias still flowering
and really happy to see roses in bloom
and new buds
Rudbeckia has lost itās yellow petals but the black seed heads look striking. Reminds me of pompoms.
Amazed to see the passion flower still producing beautiful, intricate structures
will lots of new buds waiting to open
and fruit (still havenāt tasted it).
I cut back the orange flames to make way for the pea gravel path and had quite a pile in a short space of time. Love tidying an Autumnal Garden but try to leave some debris behind for the little creatures over winter
![DSCN7457|666x500]
(upload://vwZ3tmZt3twArEVz6sPiCjO8JKZ.jpeg)
Vibrant berries bring strong colour into the garden
Managed to chop back the tree scraping the tiles on the roof. That was a huge job up the ladder. Feel very exposed but have cameras up now if the creep tries to see in
![DSCN7465|666x500]
(upload://dg03kDcBXcGhAyG656h1mndCmhy.jpeg)
Hope my dolls house attracts a nesting visitor
I love the rust tones of the reason. Reminds me of mams patchwork jacket she loved.
Enjoy the sunshine
and little pockets of colour
as the nights draw in
and the days shorten
and we nestle inside.
The colours of the garden are starting to ripen
and celebrate the cold.
We have to grab the bright days while we can. I have so many jobs to do and itās never stopped raining. Hope to get out there as often as I can to make up for lost time.
Lots of love xxx
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Debbie, hereās my thriving fishtank,
a community of snails and shrimps
![DSCN7417|666x500] (upload://c9c0txSSbetobFavfRR7fXpNBo5.jpeg)
for Elsie, my ancient, huge, wafty goldfish
Iām sure sheād feeding on the snails. Thereās so many empty shells
Itās hypnotic looking through the tangles, searching for little creatures while Iām watching telly.
Lots of love xxx
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I love the pictures, Elsie looks very content with her new friends even if she is eating the snails.
Iām going swimming tomorrow with the grandchildren and also a visit to the funfair.
Hope to post more photos tomorrow.
Love Debbie x
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Hi Christine
Thank you for your kind words as always.
So sorry to read that your sister is moving away. It must be an awful feeling for you and really hits home about being on your own. I havenāt got much family and dont see many of them anyway , especially on Dads side. Have had good neighbours move away and I think itās the change and so many changes in the last year and our brains and bodies cant process it properly .
Got through yesterday but was very difficult. Friend phoning this evening which I am always looking forward to.
Iām not offended by your kind offer . Itās just that my shows have worked out that way. I used to go about once a month anyway . I will be going to a couple of museums next week as I like doing that too. I 'm making sure I have stuff booked for Dec/Jan to take my mind off Xmas/New Year.
Loving the pics of your garden as always. You continue to do a great job and should be proud of yourself.
Hope your day can be as good as can be
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
Iām meeting my niece today to collect things from the house before they move. The rocks were divided between us but my sister wonāt be taking them with her so Iāll use them in the big pond. Dad chose them because they sparkle in the sun. I remember lugging them back from the garden centre at the old house to create the pond area. It will be heavy work but hope to do a couple of trips and then get my bike after therapy tonight. Hope it will revitalise me into the garden and get the pond area and trellises finished. Raining the rest of the week so Iāll have to just crack on between showers. I have a knack for getting things done but my sister sees that as being controlling. Hope she isnāt there. It will be very upsetting seeing the house again. Theyāve lived there since the children were little. Havenāt seen the dogs for a long time now. Iām getting upset just thinking about them and everything that has happened.
Being busy and having the pressure of a deadline for the move will help get things done but when Iām back home Iāll be devastated at the reality of them not being here. Theyāve lived down the road for years. I have no connection to anyone and my neighbour with the cats has stopped being my friend because I gave his cat chicken. He drinks and his reaction to ordinary things is extreme. I admire your relentless struggle to get through the day, as we all do. I didnāt know how much I relied on mam to keep me going. I find being alone really hard, even though I like being independent and running my own life. My sister didnāt understand when I explained about filling in time doing stuff, that once itās achieved Iām left with that emptiness of mam being missing. As soon as I wake up it hits me. I know now that she is gone forever. I know pleading for her wonāt make a difference.
Porscha did very well yesterday at the vets. Her claw has grown so long it had cut into her paw and I didnāt know until she wouldnāt leave it alone. She has steroids and an anti bac wash. I was surprised she ate the tablet hidden in a bit if chicken for breakfast. She was fascinated travelling in the car in her carry basket. Last time she was at the vet was when she was a baby for her microchip etc. She about 17 and a half now. Not sure because she was a rescue. It was hard going myself but I managed without a panic. There were very few people because of corona.
Today is the start of facing the upset. Having seen my niece since the summer when she stopped going swimming. Iām so tired of it always being hard and emotional. After getting everything from the house they will move and Iāll feel that gut wrenching loss all over again. Donāt know how Iāll get through Mams anniversary. It will be like she has just died again. I just canāt bear her not being here. She loved life, loved having us all around her. I didnāt see it clearly before she left. I miss her so very much.
Did you ever hear from your lovely neighbour with the little boy who moved? And will you see your friend over the xmas period? I didnāt understand that feeling of being alone until mam left. I feel like one of the elderly who has nobody and goes all week without speaking to or seeing anyone. Iām dreading my therapist leaving me. Heās the only one I have now.
OMG! My pea gravel has arrived. Will have to dash out there in my pjās.
Lots of love xxx
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Love the photos @christine51 I think we forget that gardens can be just as intriguing and beautiful in Autumn and Winter.
@NEILB72 hope you are feeling okay after the double whammy of yesterday.
Today marks 7 months since my Mum died. I had a lovely dream she appeared in last night and just won Ā£100 on a scratchcard so think she might be looking out for me!
I am being kept busy as we put the finishing touches to our craft club Remembrance Day display this weekend. Crocheting like a fiend! Will be sure to share photos of what we come up with.
Hope everyone is having a good day.
Beki x
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Hi Beki
How lovely to hear about your scratch card win. Your Mum definitely brought you that luck . Will look forward to seeing your pics.
Slightly better day for me but Weds are my other crap day if I have nothing planned and know that Mum and I would have gone out today as usual as it has been mostly sunny.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Beki,
If I was near you Iād be helping with your crocheted poppies. Looking forward to the pics and hope you enjoy the event.
I envy you dreaming about your mam. I donāt usually dream and would give anything to have that. And well done on your scratch cards win. Iāve never done one so wouldnāt have a clue where to start. Will you treat yourself?
Iām back from getting some rocks. compost bin and my green bin I had lent my sister from the house. I actually cried when I saw the state of the garden. You would think nobody had lived there in years itās so overgrown. All of mams potted plants are dead (my sister battled with me over what she wanted and then didnāt look after it) but Iāll bring them over to me and see if anything comes up in the Spring because theyāll all be abandoned otherwise. Iām absolutely heartbroken. It was a family home and now itās just a dumping ground. When I asked my niece where the rockery was she didnāt know because she never goes out there and sheās the one whoās been looking after the house. All the furniture, massive umbrellas, lights etc and totally buggared. I just canāt believe that she would abandon the home like that without any thought for what she has left behind. Mam and dad took such good care of everything they owned which is why things lasted for years. Garden furniture was lovingly varnished and umbrellas put away. They could have got new stuff but they respected what they have. It was meaningful to them. It holds memories of all the occasions weāve celebrated ion the garden at the old house. Iām so shocked. And my niece wouldnāt help. She just stayed upstairs and was quite annoyed I was there, even though I had arranged it, loaded the car with trolleys and tubs. I had to knock at the house because she didnāt answer my call or texts and if thereās a deadline for moving I have to get the things as soon as poss. My nephew didnāt even come downstairs when I shouted up to him.
I went back again after unloading at mine and discovered my sister and little nephew were there, and I saw her friends walking to the shop. I think they were all hiding upstairs or were staying nearby and waited until Iād gone. I was very upset seeing my little nephew. He gave me a huge hug and I told him how much I had missed him. I havenāt seen him since I took him swimming in the summer a couple of times. I know my parents would both be heartbroken to see the state of the place. I didnāt realise my sister was having a fag at the front of house, knowing I was going to load the car. She just went in. Didnāt say a word. My nephew came downstairs and asked how I was and I just didnāt know what to say to him so I said itās different throughout the day. I am so upset at how I am being treated.
I discovered my bike and my nieceās bike (her birthday present which cost a huge amount of money because she wouldnāt have anything else) dumped in the garden in the rain, rusting. The chain on mine is hanging off and wonāt move. The lack of care, love, respect is just gob smacking. She was given another bike which is inside the house. I am so shocked. I donāt understand this attitude towards me when I am and have always been a loving auntie. Iām appalled.
Iām pleased I have therapy soon because I need to make sense of today. Iām pleased mam isnāt here to see it. We have been brought up well, to respect what we have, to look after our things. Itās only because the garden stuff was mam and dadās from the old house that Iām even there to salvage it. I canāt understand how anyone can walk away from their life like that. Every I have is precious to me. I work hard to get what I have and maintain it. So does my other sister. She would be astounded if she saw it and I think my dad would cry. We take pride in things. Is this what she meant by being free when mam died?
Sorry Beki, I had to get it out because Iām so astounded by what I have seen today. Must dash as Iām off to therapy soon. Enjoy being creative!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine, Iām sorry you have had such a trying day, I know itās upsetting your sister hasnāt looked after the garden. You just have to accept thatās the way she is and move on. Donāt upset yourself for things you canāt control.
I have been swimming with my grandchildren this morning and just we have just come back from the funfair and amusement arcade. Going to have a family roast dinner tonight with christmas cracker so we will all wear silly paper hats.
Here are some photos from today.
Sending love
Debbie X X
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Cracking photos Debbie. Thank you for posting them x
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Hi Debbie,
So pleased to see your wonderful photos. You must have had a smashing day. I loved the fair, even a few years ago when I went on a ride similar to the one in your pic where it goes up and round and round. Felt like I was flying! It was all part of the Edwardian night in Nov where there were old fashioned stalls selling fudge (mam loved fudge) and all sorts of goodies. Weād go to the church and Iād light candles and say prayers for my cats and have a cry before going to see Santa and the brass band parading through the street. People would wear traditional costume and it was thrilling for the children. This was pre corona with mam and dad. Itās sad that Iāll never do that again. It was so packed. We did it every year.
Your pic of the sun setting on the sea is peaceful. Iāve calmed down again since being very upset at therapy, explaining how shocked I was that my sister hasnāt taken care of my parentsā garden stuff. I canāt go back tomorrow for more because my niece isnāt there and donāt want to fight with my sister. I havenāt got the energy. Iām totally wiped out. Donāt know how many more upsets I can take. Iāll get the plants in the next week, they will move away and I will be left on my own. Iām so tired now I canāt even cry.
I just want my mam to come back so it can all just stop being this hard.
Enjoy your dinner!
Lots of love xxx
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I really miss being by the coast. We always went to South Shields when we lived up North. I wish I could live by the sea but I can imagine the roar of the wind and abrasive salt air in winter. Iāve heard cars rust quicker by the coast. I hate the cold.
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Hello all,
Iāve had a very productive day in the garden, doing jobs, cutting back, tidying up. Feel tons better after the shock of yesterday. I was in tears at therapy. But like Debbie said, if my sister isnāt doing her garden and looking after mam and dads stuff itās not for me to worry about. Planning on going over tomorrow as my niece said sheād be available. Hope sheāll help me this time and not hide upstairs. But I have the rocks sorted just to pick up and will grab some pots too. Planning on using the old compost in all the pots that donāt have plants but I might wait until the Spring as I still have lots to do.
Hereās some pics of a very Autumnal day!
Check out my new gravel path. Didnāt do as much as Iād hoped but massive improvement.
Glorious sunshine
as I cut back the fence area to be trellised
and the climbing and rambling roses,
letting in loads of light where it had been quite dense.
Cut back lots of dead thorny huge branches over the pond
but still leaving rosehips for the birds.
Found some little fun guys!
and a tapestry of roots from a random tree and honey bush which have grown at one end of the pond.
Will leave it over winter as I discovered a frog and these little lovebirds
Got 3 of my 4 metal posts in but have a very tricky area because of new growth on the thorny rambler
Will have to combine the 2 fence panels across the hawthorn I wanted to keep
but managed to clear the other areas of brambles ready for drilling the fence posts for the trellises (not looking forward to it).
Created a stepping stones pathway to mams fairy dell
and used the rocks from yesterday to finish the path area.
Had a massive tidy up of leaves and cut back dead plants
Will leave the top pond as a wildlife haven.
Delighted to see a new rose (smells lovely)
and new growth on geraniums
Have one flower bud on the dahlias before I rescue the tubours (do you all remember 'Day of the Triffids?)
Strawberries are ready to be put somewhere sheltered
Found my fave beetle as I was wandering. Looks like it has babies?
Debbie, this monster is for you.
More scented roses
Got the compost bin sited and filled, along with my green bin (shows how much work I did today. My energy has returned.
Trying to grow some off cuts of fig and the other tree I had to cut so I could get in at the fence.
But I did rescue this beauty which will provide some cover to stop the creepās antics.
Really exhausted now and didnāt come in until I couldnāt see in the dark.
Moved my plastic garlands to the patio for now. They were dazzling in the sunshine.
Mams fairy is waiting for the xmas tree (though I canāt celebrate any of it)
and I recued a tree stand from my sisters garden so looking forward to that.
Happy to see my little furry friend
Ready to collect more rocks tomorrow and house at the back of the pond. Exhausted now Iāve stopped but being out in the fresh air again has worked wonders.
Will check back later to see if anyone is around. Hereās my fab path again. So delighted!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine,
So pleased your feeling more positive today, you garden is looking lovely as always, some lovely photos and you still have alot of flowers in bloom.
Our last full day, weāve been to a Lavender Farm that also had play barn and lots of animals, garden centre, gift shop and cafĆ©.
After we had a picnic in the woods, came back to Hunstanton and me, my daughter and granddaughter went around the shops. They love a charity shop, and we also found a good shop that sells all sorts, I bought a new cardigan, handbag, and feather duster. Then we sat on the promenade eating an ice-cream waiting for the others to join us to go ten pin bowling.
Enjoyed a family meal together back at the house tonight and just about to play sardines in the dark.
Weāve had a lovely week, talking about going to Bournemouth this time next year.
Here are some photos
Sending love
Debbie x
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Hi Debbie,
Your photos remind me of trips out with my parents and sister and her children when they were younger. Mam would have loved the lavender farm. Youāve had a wonderful trip and to get a new cardy and handbag as souvenirs will bring back those memories when you wear them. Mam loved a cardy and handbag. I did laugh at the feather duster!
My fave of the animals is the little pot bellied ponies and the bearded dragon and snakes. The tarantula must have been quite traumatic for you! I remember going in the spider house and being terrified. I donāt know where we get that fear from of spiders. Their intricate design and beautiful pattern is quite something. Beautiful setting with the stream and house.
It makes me really sad that itās too late now for me to join mam on their holidays. They always asked but knew I couldnāt go because of my panic. It makes me cry that I wonāt have the opportunity to even try now.
Keep enjoying your trips away Debbie, before anything happens to stop you. Iām so upset looking back at how mam struggled to go because she didnāt feel well but it didnāt stop her. I wish Iād been able to join her. Iād always go over to the old house and sort the post, water the garden, make sure there was milk for them coming home.
Your trip away has flown by. When you retire you can have more trips away and for longer. Something to look forward to.
Iām hoping to get more rocks today and some potted plants. Hope my niece is there like she said she would be. Still donāt know when they are moving. Iām starting to panic again about being left behind and about mam not being here. I would have been involved and helped pack up and ferry things over to the new house and help set it up. But Iāll not be at all. Iām just rescuing things from the garden before they go. Iāll have to pass the house every week to go to therapy and swimming and it is so sad because theyāve lived there for years. Why is life so hard?
Enjoy your last day Debbie. Thank you for the pics. It has brought back so many happy memories of mam.
Lots of love xxx
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