Hi Debbie
Football was a disappointment again but there we are.
Living is a tremendous film and really worth seeing.
Blood Brothers is on at my local theatre again next year . Remember seeing it about four years ago and think it’s so good.
You may have seen on one of my posts that not been that great yesterday and so far today. It’s the impending dread of Mums first anniversary getting nearer and tomorrow 11/11 is the date of Dads funeral in 2015 so that will be difficult too. Planning a call to Cruse tomorrow as I know that will help me get through the day. Still got Dads flowers from nearly three weeks ago . Mum always said I had a magic touch buying flowers to last!
Will catch up again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Beki
I met Aidan Turner at the stage door a few years ago . Had to fight my way through a big crowd of ladies 
.
Lots of new shows being announced and also The Woman In Black is closing after 33 years !
I think Aidan’s play is called Lemons Lemons Lemons so will keep an eye on reviews nearer the time.
Great pics by the way and thank you for posting
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
Just reading you saying it’s a hard day for you tomorrow so just wanted to let you know I’m advance I’m thinking of you x
Also lucky git meeting Aiden Turner…will be looking to perhaps see his new play as not gonna lie he is hot and I would watch him empty bins 
x
Take care and will check in with you tomorrow x have a peaceful night 
x
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Hi Neil
I did see the result this morning it wasn’t good.
I hope today is being a little bit kinder to you, anniversaries are always hard, you, Suzanne and Tina, all have the heartbreak of Christmas to get through.
I hope your chat with cruse tomorrow helps you get through the day.
Sending love
Debbie x
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Hi Debbie and thank you.
I had actually forgotten the anniversary of Dads funeral tomorrow as I have been thinking about Mums first anniversary so much. I will have him in my thoughts even more so tomorrow
It will be my second Xmas without Mum as her funeral was only 5 days before but really I dont remember much about last Xmas as was in a kind of daze and couldnt believe what just happened
Just going to watch the new western series on BBC2 The English. Read an amazing review in my film magazine as their reviewer has seen the first few episodes. Watching it mainly for Emily Blunt 
Hope you have a good evening
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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@NEILB72…just wanted to pop on and see how you are doing today. Just wanted to let you know you’ve been oin my thoughts today x
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Hi @NEILB72
Just sending a big hug for today as know it is one of many memories and triggers. Hope within those memories and feelings of sadness, lovely memories and good feelings can also peek in.
My mum would adore The English. She was obsessed with native american culture and was very knowledgeable about it and so i learned a lot from her. When we visited the grand canyon we spoke with a local Hualapai native - it was like we had always known him. He was taken aback and so happy about what we already knew. He was one who was sent a boarding school as a young child, his hair cut and not allowed to speak his own language. Now he has long plaits and said no-one will ever cut his hair again. For their language, they made a written version of it for the first time ever in the 1970s. So fascinating.
Hope you have a good evening - have you got plans for this weekend?
Beki x
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Hello again!
I wish I had furry feet and could go into a deep sleep with your animal folk for the winter. How lovely to not have to deal with the cold months. Fingers crossed you see anything in the dark. It must remind you of being a kid in a camp when you are in your dugout. I remember the camp in the bushes of the boys along the doors. We had carpet and treats and played games (too young for naughty games). Loved it. My grandma had a very old fashioned house and we would camp out in the bit between the kitchen and the coal cupboard. Miss being a child with adventures.
Loving the poo pool imagery! I did see a video of a girl in a hot tub with diarrhea. The panic was hilarious. Have you had any more hot tub parties?
Glad to see your manager isn’t blagging time off and is very ill indeed! At least you have someone to help out. I suppose it’s a very busy time for pampered pooches in the salon, getting preened for xmas. I did wonder about getting a dog but I just couldn’t trust myself to not get to a park every day to walk it. Cats are so much easier. Saying that, Porscha is very demanding and screams for her chicken when I’m asleep. She likes to be hand fed now on a morning when I have my coffee. I got her a furry cave bed for the winter and she won’t even look at it. She’s like the princess and the pea at the mo with her piles of furry blankets and a gillet beside the radiator. So in the way going to the bathroom. I keep remembering how old she is (about 17 I think) and always give in when she demands attention.
Can’t imagine how cold you must get on your animal adventures.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Beki,
I haven’t posted for a few days so catching up and I think your poppies are magnificent! Well done you for being part of something very special and continuing to thrive. I would love to help you with your next project. I haven’t crocheted for years but can follow instruction. I learned from the age of three (granny squares). Would send up in a box. Many hands and all that. Just beautiful. And so lovely to see you in the pic. Hope you got some local news coverage. That is such a huge amount of work. Are you able to wash and reuse again? How long will the display last for? I’m always intrigued with the details of a display. You could use a fine gauze wire for a structured piece to add to your creation. It’s quite pliable but strong. Loving the pompoms and so pleased your mam is included. I’m so impressed. I wish I could be part of something like that. It is indeed spectacular!
Love your xmas pud!
Bet Matilda was delighted to see you. It must have felt like you were coming home again to that special place we live in as artists. I really need to get the work out of the loft that I started creating and put away because I ran out of oomph when I got back in the garden. It must be very cosy with your kiln on. You could make / sell beautiful tree decorations of coloured glass in wire shapes. Just the thing for Etsy. My niece has been doing crochet and I keep encouraging her to create her own website (Wix.com is free) as a catalogue and to sell through Etsy. Craft fairs are great in the run up to xmas for peeps looking for special hand-crafted gifts. It could be your sideline.
Great news on the blood pressure. I have high cholesterol but they think it’s genetic because my sis also has it. I’m really quite fit with the swimming and gardening and diy etc. And all that veg soup. Just keeping a check on it. Went swimming today with my niece so hoping that will become a regular thing again as well as walking the dogs in the woods and going out on the bikes. I’m very enthusiastic but she’s not a big planner and needs a push in the right direction.
So lovely to see you again. Just wondering where you’ll store all those poppies?
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Debbie,
I can just imagine all the children making their wreaths and adding glitter to the snow globes and angels. I used to love decorating angels. Mam would cut out the paper decorations with the patterns, make dancing angels holding hands, collect all the silver milk bottle tops to string up and create paper chains to hang from the ceiling. I love making the decorations instead of just buying them (we still have ancient glass ones from when I was little). Mam made Christmas so very special. That’s why it’s so hard even thinking about it. I’ve just remembered the angels in the trees for mams funeral. They had such happy smiling faces. I might make angels for mams xmas tree for the garden this year. I did memory tags last year. I could do some message tags in with the angels. My niece will help me.
Just look on you tube for how to crochet. Here’s a link for granny squares. It’s such a long time ago since I made the camping blanket with mam and I want to repair it over the winter:
EASY CROCHET: How to Crochet a Granny Square for Beginners - YouTube
Glad you liked my brick path. It’s still not finished. I need more bricks. I’ve been hard at work removing my compost bins from the front of house because a complaint was made and the council couldn’t ignore it. Just spiteful. So I’ve been doing lots of trips to the skip and still have more debris to bag up. It’s amazing how much stuff those compost bins hold. So I can’t create my own compost anymore. Just don’t have room in the back garden. Will have to make regular trips to the skip to recycle or throw it in with the rubbish bin like everyone else round here. People are so spiteful. I don’t know what they get out of it.
My cameras are indeed having an impact. The creep is very aware and turns his head so he can’t be filmed. I heard him complaining about it. But he had to be looking at my windows to even notice the camera because it is lower than the bush. Just proves that he is watching me. The rest of the street has been rather quiet too. Wish I’d done it years ago. Would have stopped all the nonsense.
I’m very eager to crack on with tidying the garden and sorting out the pots I’ve already brought over. Still lots to collect but I’ll make regular trips again next week now that I’m seeing my niece for swimming again. Still need to get the trellises up but if I don’t manage it soon I’ll just do it when I can. Need help and my niece will have to be coaxed or bribed!
Have you seen the film with Bill Nighy where he’s the dad and can travel back in time and then his son can? It’s such a lovely film. Hoping its on at xmas, along with Love Actually.
Keep going Debbie. It must be getting harder to get up early with the dark mornings. But you’ll be off again soon. It’s so annoying when I’m still busy in the garden and then realise I can’t see because it’s pitch black. Will you be having an xmas party at work? Be lovely to see your granddaughter in her panto. Mam loved taking the children to the local panto when they were little. It was one of her treats, a tradition. I couldn’t go with my panic attacks but loved hearing all about it and how embarrassed the kids were if they had to join in!
Just remembered all the beautiful ballet costumes mam made for me and my sister. I gave my niece my satin tutu years ago. I wish I’d kept it. Mam was so talented. I took it for granted that she could do all those things. I wish I’d told her how much I admire her. Living life isn’t like a film.
Just realised the time. Still haven’t eaten yet. Off for some niblets and Gogglebox. Lovely to catch up. I still smile when I see your post card in the shrine along with cards for mam.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Beki
Tried logging in earlier but couldnt for some reason but seems to be working now.
Havent felt too bad today although had a letter concerning an overpayment of Mums private pension. Last time I contacted them was in December as I want to pay it back by cheque. No idea why they are taking so long to get it sorted out.
Did make a planned call to Cruse - took me a couple of attempts to get through.
I enjoyed The English. Nice to have something decent to watch in the evenings. Should be a good series.
Speak again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
Babe, I will have to get back to you because I’m ravenous and need food. Was catching up with everyone and can’t believe the time. Will come back to you. Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Sorry I didn’t get back to you last night. Think the stress of the compost bins has taken its toll and I zonked out with tv and then went to bed early. That’s why I’m awake early too. Just can’t sleep like I used to before mam. Porsch has had her chicken and I’m having a coffee in bed in the dark. I enjoy the quiet of being awake early, before the car doors start slamming and the roar of the commute begins. I really don’t miss going out to work, dragging myself out of bed. But I do miss that sense of belonging, having a place in the world and being missed if I’m not there.
I love Tina’s description of that gremlin making a home in us all. She always manages to make me laugh with her imagery. You are entitled to feel angry that so called ‘friends’ are absent or careless in their attitudes and comments. I agree with Suzanne about being less tolerant of bullshit. I thought it must be that they have no understanding of grief, the depths of despair to which we plummet. But look at how my family have treated me. I still can’t wrap my head around it. Our mams would be wondering what has happened to make peeps behave so badly. We are all here together having lost our sense of self. That stability we took for granted has been replaced with a longing and such sadness to return to a time before ‘it’ happened. I’m so tired now of trying to make sense of anything. I think we are designed to withstand so much and then we can’t take any more. So letting old ‘friends’ go is self-preservation. They will discover the sadness and possibly reach out when it happens. They’ll regret losing your friendship Neil. It is their loss. You are a beautiful soul. We all have each other now. Our friendship is so very precious to me. I really don’t know how we’ve all made it this far. I still just want to be with mam. But I keep hanging onto that expression that one more day lived is another day closer to mam. I spoke to another lovely man on one of my trips to the skip and he said he believes he will meet his loved ones again. He totally got that thing where you can be getting on with your day and it hits you from nowhere and knocks you off your feet.
I totally understand why you are putting off going back to the crem. When I went with my family to collect mams ashes it was like I was reliving that day as if it was actually happening. It’s the shock of not being able to process it because it’s just too painful. I still can’t understand where mam is. Sometimes she feels absent, like she’s coming back again and I just need to wait. I think having your mams ashes with you must be comforting in some way. Dad doesn’t want to let mam go to join her parents in their grave up north. At first I was angry that he wasn’t doing what she wanted. But I can understand it. Don’t be hard on yourself. Your mam wouldn’t be. She would know how hard it is for you to let her go. If you need her to stay with you then so be it. I wish I had mams ashes. I imagine in the future we might have the option of having our loved ones preserved so they can stay at home with us. My sister was horrified when I said that. I just want to be able to chat to her again and let her know how loved she is, beyond anything I could have ever imagined before she left. Please don’t feel bad that you still have your mam with you. Enjoy her. She would want to comfort you in any way she could.
I ordered my chinese lanterns for mam’s anniversary on 25th Nov. They’re purple, her fave colour. My niece said she and the boys will join me so I’m really pleased. I thought I’d be doing it alone. We will go to the park where we used to live in London before they retired and moved to the old house. Mam will enjoy seeing the lanterns lit up and floating away in the sky as we send her our love and blessings. I can imagine her with us, helping the children to do theirs, lighting the candles and watching them fly. We did it to celebrate a New Year when the kids were little. It was a lovely thing to do. Wish we’d kept doing it. Maybe it can be a new tradition for mam from now on. Everything is for mam now.
Thinking about getting my xmas tree soon for the garden for mam. I can’t celebrate xmas without her. She was xmas. I was saying to Debbie I’ll make some dancing angels this year, like mam did when I was little. It’s heartbreaking remembering the happy times because they can never happen again. I can’t make new memories because she won’t be in them. Sorry, I’ve been putting the sadness on hold and it’s starting now that mams anniversary is coming closer. I have her blog listed on the day and I’ll post a link when its live. She would be pleased I think. But I know she would be so sad that I can’t move on from losing her. I don’t know how anyone can. It is so overwhelming. When her mam passed I was about 11 I think and I couldn’t sleep for months and was so distressed, crying all the time. She came to me as an angel and told me not to worry and she was ok. I will always remember it. She was floating above my sister who was sleeping at the time. I was ok after that. I deeply loved my grandma. She was always baking in her pinny and we’d make cakes when we visited her on a weekend. So full of love. Mam was filled with love. That’s why I can’t let her go.
Thinking of you Neil, with love xxx and an extra one x
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Hi Suzanne
Having some problems logging in throughout the day. Got through yesterday and phoned Cruse as planned. Not even a text or call from any friends or family that used to when Mum was here . Run out of patience for most of them now.
Got some nice trips out over the next couple of weeks so will post nearer the time.
Hope you have as good a weekend as possible
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Christine
Thank you as always for your kind words.
Got through yesterday but know there are more difficult days to come and I just have to face them as best I can. We have no choice really .
As you say certain ‘friends’ have disappeared but we all found each other on here . To think this time last year we would never have even thought about this forum and what was in store for us. Just shows you never know what is in front of us . Taking it one day at a time certainly helps me and it’s all any of us can do.
We will be here to support you on 25th and I’m sure whatever you decide to do then you will be honouring your Mum in the right way.
I have a blank week for the week of the 30th although could go somewhere last minute.
Dreading Xmas as could do without the extra expense although have cut right down this year. Will start writing cards soon and that will be difficult with just my name on.
Hope you can have a peaceful weekend
Sending love and best wishes as always
Neil x
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Hi Tina,
I’m up early as usual because I can’t sleep for long and have just finished catching up with Neil. Whenever I post lots nobody seems to be around and then when I’m not doing so everyone is here! I like the quiet hush of an early morning, when everyone is still asleep. Mam used to be up early with her cup of tea. I think of her and sit quietly with her. She would have enjoyed that.
I’ve been quite frantic over the last couple of days removing my compost bins and contents to the skip after getting an email from the council informing me of another complaint about the bins and that I have to remove them. Obviously done of out of spite. The rules are so petty. The lawn at the front is communal apparently and that is why I’m not allowed to use the space. I expected the arseholes (sorry, I’m furious!) to be out there gloating but they weren’t. I’ll be filmed on their cameras, watched from behind the net curtains. It’s a world I’ve never lived in before. But I have my cameras up and they’re having the desired effect. It’s very quiet now they know they’re being filmed and the creep has never moved so quickly to his car. He turns his head to avoid the camera. I have heard him complaining about being filmed. If he hadn’t broken in through the loft wall I wouldn’t have it pointed in his direction. Should have done this years ago.
Your walk in the woods sounds quite lovely. I caught up with my niece for a swim yesterday and we’ll take her dogs walking in the woods if she can get motivated and just do it. Since doing her A levels and then deferring uni she’s feeling quite lost so I’m trying to encourage her with getting out the house. The move is still on but doesn’t know when or how or where or whatever so I just have to enjoy the now for as long as she is here. Very well done on your thousands of steps. Bet Zoe was over the moon, dashing about in the woods. Did she see any squirrels? It always drove my sister’s dogs mad when they couldn’t chase them up the tree. I love the woods. If I can fix the chain on my bike I might try going there myself.
Your brothers log burner sounds very cosy and warm as long as you are in front of it. Not sure how good they are at warming the whole room or house. Think you’ll need to get the chimney swept? And do you need permission? Might have to research it a bit. My therapist works from home and has a fire and it’s lovely in winter when its crackling away. You can get seasoned logs to perfume the air. It reminds me of being little, coming downstairs to mam getting the fire going, adding the coals and the big brass fire surround. And grandma’s fire where we would sit and play cards on the old poof, having to move a leg when it got too hot. I think if you had one you’d get lumbered with all the work, cleaning it all out and setting it up. And you’d need somewhere dry to keep the logs. Your brother will be thinking of getting in from work to a roaring fire where he can kick off his boots and wait for you to bring him his dinner in on a tray while he has a beer to relax? Zoe would love it. It would be her fave spot. My little Porsch would join her. She was enjoying her chicken at 6.30 this morning when I got up for the loo. She seizes every opportunity now to be fed and if I didn’t do it she’d be screaming so it’s just easier to give in. It is lovely seeing her purring while I’m heating it up. She’s a very spoilt little girl.
Tina, I don’t know where you got the image of me slaving over a roast dinner (made me laugh!) I can’t cook at all and have never been able to. I got rid of my oven because I never used it. I gave up cookery and did extra art in school. My rock cakes were like actual rocks! Mam still ate them and pretended that they were lovely! I really don’t know why I can’t do it. Both my sisters can cook because mam taught them. I’d hover about the kitchen waiting for tasty things to be made and I’d do dishes and fill bowls and dress the table. At xmas my thing was to order a selection of desserts because it’s all I could manage to do. It was my contribution. It makes me really sad seeing the xmas adverts and getting the xmas catalogue when I popped to Aldi with my niece. We enjoyed planning and ordering the food along with the xmas pressies and the decorations. Without mam there is no xmas. I’ve been keeping it on hold but it’s creeping closer and I know I’ll just go to pieces like last year. But I am looking forward to getting a xmas tree for the garden for mam. It’s the one thing I can do for her and will enjoy looking at it every day until the weather starts warming up around April I think. A bucket of water kept it going that long last xmas.
I still have my wooden offcuts to decorate for the garden and I’m hoping to hang them beside the xmas tree. Will try my stick-on mirrors and just hope they stay on being outside. I was inspired by Debbie’s church angels for the children to decorate and it reminded me of the angels in the trees at the church for mams service. I’ll see if I can get some white plastic to make them. I’ll do something different every year for her and post to her tribute site.
When I was in Aldi I noticed the scratch foil art mam used to get us in with the pressies. It was always the little extras that made xmas special and kept us amused long after the holiday. I would have got one for my little nephew but he isn’t arty so I didn’t bother. Mam would have picked one up anyway. I’ve started thinking as mam would have, like she is guiding me I suppose. There’s so many layers to that with getting upset always included. But it does feel like mam is with me now, like she hasn’t left me behind.
Porscha is so demanding. I’ve just had to cook more chicken (George Forman grill machine) and then sit with her while she eats. I’ve never known a cat to be so demanding. We’ve always had cats and they’ve got on and done their own thing with a bustling household (with Marmalade harassing the binmen so much that mam had to get him in because he’d attack when they came near the house. Hilarious!)
I’ve just been looking at all the pots waiting for me to sort and replenish and position along the path between the house and patio (where I removed the boards). I think I will get winter pansies for mam. She always did them and their faces make me smile and think of her. I can dress the patio area as a setting for the xmas tree. Still have lots more pots to bring over but if I can sort what I have and prep pots for new plants I can then enjoy a trip out with my niece. Think there’s only a B & Q around here now. Homebase is being turned into flats. I suppose it’s all online now. I miss rescuing the needy plants who always revive with a bit of care. Just remembered I have my hyacinth bulbs from last Spring to plant up. I really enjoy doing baskets and pots. Miss helping mam in the garden.
My plan for today is to bag up the rest of the compost debris and take it to the skip with a swim thrown in afterwards. That’s if the creep leaves. If he stays I’ll be trapped in my bedroom. Hope you crack on with your diamonds and take a pic. Every girls wants diamonds in her underwear!
Hope you have a peaceful weekend without too much hassle from your sibling. I always wanted an older brother (I’m the eldest of 3 girls) just so I could torment the life out of him and knock about with his mates, going out clubbing etc. If he was my brother I’d be doing stuff to annoy him every time he did something to annoy me. If you get him back he might start appreciating how lovely you are!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
I think including your mam and dad on cards is a lovely thing to do. Buggar what anyone else thinks. And if they are so unkind as to question why you would include them just ignore it or have a harsh response ready. I remember how upset I was when dad didn’t include mams name on my birthday card. I burst into tears. I wasn’t expecting it. It was so shocking. And dad refused to include her because she isn’t here now. I think including them will perhaps take peeps by surprise but will make them remember what has happened. If they still question it they aren’t worthy of a card next year. I don’t know why peeps are so thoughtless and some just cruel. We are all just trying to get through the worst thing that can possibly happen. Like you say, I didn’t even know these forums existed until I started desperately searching for help and found you lovely lot. I always remember your words, taking each day as it comes and not thinking too far ahead. I fill up my days doing stuff to get through it. And the shorter days are easier because there’s less time to have to fill.
I got the xmas catalogue in with some bits at Aldi and started crying looking at the food, imagining mam planning the day, me being stressed out doing the online shop but mam being so grateful for my help. I never found it easy but I’d do it all day long if I could just to have a moment with her to tell her how empty I am without her. I’ve put the xmas upset on hold until now but I can’t avoid the adverts and now the brochures. Mam loved xmas. It was her fave time of year. She made it magical, all my life, even as an adult. I’ll get the xmas tree for her for the garden and decorate it with angels (inspired by Debbie’s crafts with the children at church). I remember how beautiful the trees were lining the path for mams church service. There were smiling angels everywhere. It made me sob. I’m absolutely dreading xmas too.
My niece has said she’d like to do the lanterns with me and my two nephews. So I’m really pleased about that. I was imagining myself doing it alone in the dark in a park being frightened. I can make it peaceful now. I wanted to do this for her birthday in January but couldn’t do anything. I hope mam knew she was so loved. I can’t imagine anyone loving me as much as I love mam.
Hoping the creep buggars off today so I can crack on and not be stuck in my bedroom. I have winter pansies in mind for next week so I can plant up the patio for mam’s xmas tree. Still have lots of tidying to do and my step to finish. Gets me through the day or I would just sit and cry. Starting to feel very fragile again.
Thinking of you Neil. Reach out to us when you are needing a kind word. We are all here for you. It helps me to know you are all here for me. I know it must look trivial to people when I post my pics of being busy but that’s just me bobbing along until the next wave hits. I know it’s coming. I can see it.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi again Christine.
So glad the cameras are having the desired effect and you can reclaim a bit of peace of mind. It means a lot doesn’t it to have a bit of the weight lifted off.
Back in October I put our address down with the local council as they were having a free tree day and today it was the pick up. I’d only remembered yesterday! I got a Holly Bush, a Katkin tree/shrub and 11 hedge plants which look like there’s thorns on some but none of the hedge plants are labelled so it’s a mystery what they are. It would have been nice to get a cherry tree but it cost over 400pound to have a tree felled in our garden a few years ago so it was out of the question to choose one of those! I’ve had to frantically try to repot some temporarily and keep some if them in a pot with water for now. Brother doesn’t know there here as he was out when I brought them back. They are all cuttings from the local road/area from the council nursery I assume.
You made me laugh about him with the log burner and me running round after him with his tea probably as it’s already a reality just minus the log burner. Although he’s been off work this week he’s been out of the house a lot for the past few days which I’m grateful for as he uses the awful vape smoker. I was so desperately unwell before he went away yesterday that I had to go to bed. It’s not even a normal vape, it’s a higher power where there is more smoke. It’s disgusting. Poor Zoe can’t escape from it. If I say anything I’m being a killjoy.
Zoe seems to enjoy the woods and doesn’t take any notice of the squirrels so that’s a bit of a relief. She does have a thing for the streams and water though and I’m an absolute nervous wreck when I go out with them as he lets her go in all kinds of places. Best I don’t go!
.
I’ve been home on my own a fair bit recently and it’s those times you become acutely aware of a type of stillness that there never was before. Then the sadness just descends. That’s when I lose any will to do anything really and can’t seem to escape it. Apologies if I’m repeating myself, as I maybe half the time.
Your plans sound really nice for the garden with the stick on mirrors and things. They probably will stick quite well. We had some like that and they was for at least a year.
I know what you mean about the foil art Christine. It’s not about the item is it more what it represents. Mum’s used to things like that didn’t they. I understand too when you say you can sense yourself thinking like your Mam as I’ve felt the same and I’ve heard others say that too. Maybe it’s some kind of instinct in us or something that is meant to happen but we just don’t know it. Nothing makes sense does it.
I can’t believe it’s only just gone 5pm. Hungry but not hungry, too early to be going to bed and too late (and cold) to be doing anything in garden.
Oh well, a brew might be in order!
Speak soon xxx
.
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Hi Tina,
Lovely to see your message. What a lucky girl with those free tees! God job you remembered and a double good job brother wasn’t there to spoil it for you. It’s fun not knowing what the hedges are. I think you’re right to have potted up until you see what you’ve got and let them grow on. You’ve timed it just right with xmas for your holly bush. I had a couple of lolly pop holly but they died when I planted them in the front garden. Is the katkin the furry ‘pussy willow’? Just googled it and it’s the lovely wafty hanging lengths of yellow flowers. Very pretty. Reminds me of Japanese gardens. Very nice. I’m ‘well jell’ as they say in Essex. Anything you can’t pot up will be fine in water. You must have been in a mad dash to get all that done before buggar lugs got back. If I was just round the corner we could have popped everything in the car and I would have given you a hand.
I was out there myself bagging up more debris and was nearly finished when the nosy anti-social woman came out (always does when she spots me) so I had to come in. She watches everything I do. But I did get lots done in the back garden, repotting strawberries and plants with a mix of old and new compost. Very pleased with what I got done. It was lovely sitting out in the sunshine and I remembered the sparkly rocks so I took pics:
Doesn’t really capture the twinkle of ‘gold’.
I had brought one of the benches over before and it was nice sitting by the top pond in the dappled shade.
The naughty gnome was certainly enjoying a bit of sun
It’s strange that I was admiring the trees and their structure, not knowing you were getting your lovely trees and bushes. They say trees are the natural architecture of our world and you can see why. Reminds me of delicate lace.
I love trees and would happily live in a wood, despite all the horror I watch.
I encourage any new growth like this little guy I’m nurturing.
So pleased mams lovely tree has taken and is growing new wafty bits. Can’t remember the name (sure it’s part of grief). Eucalyptus!
Here’s my step if you didn’t see it. I think of you and your wall you built when I’m in and out of the kitchen. Need more bricks to extend the width and will add the grey paving slabs on top but allow the brickwork to be seen too. Love seeing the detail of things.
Got my strawberries repotted for winter. They did so well in the hanging pouches but don’t want them to rot if we get snow.
Made a big dent in the pots and there’s still loads to do and to bring over.
I’m so happy when I’m digging around in compost. Reminds me of being little when I’d search for worms to eat in the garden (I’m not kidding!)
Luckily the creep stayed away while I was out there and I only came in because it was dark. Checked the cameras to see what the nosy woman was doing. It’s so obvious she’s only out there so she doesn’t miss anything. What a sorry life she leads. I thought watching the cameras back would be fun but it’s really not. It’s a deterrent and evidence if I need it. It does give me some power back knowing the neighbours will be aware they are being filmed. They need cameras up because they can’t behave themselves otherwise. How did I end up living in this world?
You describe perfectly that ‘stillness’ and the sadness attached to it. That’s why I keep myself busy because if I don’t I just can’t climb out of the cycle of wanting mam and knowing how hopeless it is but trying to negotiate and hold myself to ransom with wanting to perfect the past and everything I didn’t do etc. etc. Knowing I’m punishing myself doesn’t stop it happening. My therapist said grief is hard enough without making it harder. I can feel it getting closer now because the anniversary isn’t far off (25th) and although I’m looking forward to getting the xmas tree for the garden and decorating the patio for mam to make it magical I am absolutely dreading it because mam was xmas. She made it special. I can feel her close to me when I see xmas gifts for the children that she would have bought for them and for me when I was little. But I feel so distant from the kids that I probably won’t buy any gifts. I paid for xmas last year because my sister was skint so in a sense I was being Santa. I just don’t have any Christmas spirit in me. I feel so empty and nothing can fill that void apart from mam. But I will enjoy creating the decorations for her.
I can just imagine Zoe scampering about the woods with brother letting her roam freely. I think you are like me, worrying about what could happen. It must be very freeing knowing someone else is doing the worrying and taking care of things. He’s probably never had to take responsibility for himself, ever by the sounds of it. I can imagine him wafting about the woods in his vaping cloud, everyone coughing and spluttering around him. Bet he’s just oblivious to it. I’ve heard those things are not good because of all the chemicals but because it’s new they don’t know yet what the long-term damage is. At least when he’s out you are free!!!
I’m ravenous again. Think it’s the fresh air. And I cannot believe the time. Posting here is such a time warp. I really do get lost in my thoughts. Hope there’s something good on telly tonight. If not I’ll settle down to a netflix movie. Been enjoying youtube where peeps get tasered when they won’t comply. I couldn’t live in America. Too brutal. But fun to watch!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine,
Yes, I have seen that film it’s called About Time, and I have Love Actually recorded, it’s a very feel good Christmas film.
I always know christmas has arrived when the coke advert the holidays are coming is on, the one with the lorry in the snow.
It is hard getting up when it’s dark, never been a morning person. Only five weeks until the next school holiday. In the new year it will be my final year at work the countdown begins.
I went to The Lakes a shopping centre near me today, it was such a lovely sunny day I thought blow the housework. I’ve started my Christmas shopping. Never realised until I got home I never brought Christmas cards last year in the sales. First year I’ve never done it. It used to be something Doug and I used to do in the days between Christmas and New Year go to the sales. I did get my Christmas card for Doug though.
Good excuse for another trip out. I treated myself to cheese scone and a cup of tea in M&S, almost bought a new dress but resisted. I did get our youngest great grandchild a lovely bunny in a dress, couldn’t resist it, she only two. At least I’ve made a start on Christmas presents.
The whole family went round my son’s last night, we had a chinese and decided where to go on holiday next October, always do half term week as it is the closet week to Doug’s birthdays. Decided going to Teignmouth in Devon. It was a close between the seaside and accomodation on a farm inland. The sea won. It’s booked and I paid the deposit last night.
I’ve heard from the council, Doug’s bench has been ordered and should be here in the new year, they will let me know when it arrives and going to be installed.
Beauty & the Beast is the panto my granddaughter is going to be in. She didn’t get in the dance troupe which she was a bit disappointed in but she’s in the chorus.
What are you going to do with your compost bins when they are emptied. Is there any way you can put them in your back garden. I’m glad you got to go swimming again with your niece. You talked about a real log fire at you therapist home to Tina, that’s one thing I really miss having a real fire, it makes the house feel so cosy.
One Christmas when the children were little I sprinkled talc on the carpet and put footprints in it coming from the fire place, they weren’t fooled.
The Christmas lights are being turned on my the town next Saturday. It’s lovely event, there is a funfair lots of craft and Christmas stalls, there will be a Santa grotto, and the parish church always has a Christmas themed competition, where you can vote on the best display. I usually choose one done by one of the children’s groups. I will be helping at the Methodist church most of the day, in the kitchen helping with refreshments.
Did you go to church again.
I’m watching Christmas films on channel 5 while I’m writing this. My daughter’s gone to Milton Keynes today to see their lights being switched on, she asked me if I wanted to go, but I wanted to spend a quiet day on my own.
I did get my lawn cut earlier, the grass had go so long, I never had to cut grass before in November, did a little bit of tidying up, hadn’t got round to trimming the lavender bushes yet, but all done now. I still have fuchsias flowering on the garden and odd rose.
I’m off to make a coffee, speak again soon.
Sending love Debbie X
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