Hi Debbie,
I saw you were busy writing when I was chatting earlier but I had to go and get some food. The dark seems to creep up and then be pitch black all of a sudden. When I’m posting I lose track of time.
Thank you for reminding me about ‘About Time’. That’s probably my fave film and I always cry at the end when the dad and son take their last walk along the beach. Just heartbreaking. I’ve always loved xmas telly and choosing the best advert. I like the coke one too.
Time really is flying by. You’ll be retired before you know it! You’ll probably feel a sense of freedom and being lost until you adjust. When mam retired dad was still working and they went to live on the boat for a while. Mam was on her own most of the time. The marina was lovely with a pool and sauna etc but because she didn’t drive she was stuck on her own. I wish I’d stayed with her. I’m always looking back and trying to rescue her and my therapist said she didn’t want to be rescued.
Glad you started your xmas shopping and got Doug’s card. I would always be finding things in the car booties over the summer and so had a stash of ‘treasure’ which wasn’t on the Santa list. It’s so easy to buy for the children when they’re little. I was always ‘fun’ auntie and spoiled them rotten. I loved the sales up at London with a sense of freedom in that week of never knowing what day it was and how much time I had left before New Year. I’ll miss dressing up for mam at Christmas. I’m wondering if I can buy mam a xmas jumper and wear it for her but I’ll probably be too upset. She loved her velvet at xmas and a bit of sparkle. I’ll be wearing her velvet trousers for bed in the winter.
You are certainly a family who gets things done. It’s a big thing to get everyone to agree on where to go for your half term week. A very good choice too. I’ll always choose the seaside and Devon is lovely. We camped all over the coastal areas with the cats in a big old seventies tent. They loved it. Marmalade would be draped round dads neck when he was driving. The reactions of other drivers was funny. They couldn’t believe it. And he enjoyed a toilet break and stretched his legs! Tabby on the other hand was wretching under the seat the whole time. Car sick. I miss it so much. Wish I could join the boys in the time travel.
Great news on Dougs bench. It will give you a space in which to sit quietly with him. Maybe’s take a flask and a treat. I wish I could go somewhere to visit mam. I thought the garden would be enough but it isn’t private. I can’t talk to her there. And going to church wasn’t what I expected either. It’s like I’m searching for a feeling of being complete or at peace and I don’t think I will ever find it. Whatever I feel is very short lived. I was wondering about a Buddhist retreat, to leave the world I know and seek solace in a simple existence. I’m tired of filling up my days with doing stuff, always running.
Your granddaughter must be disappointed but its fab that she’s in a panto whatever bit she does. It must be lovely going to see her. Mam and dad always came to my ballet and then gymnastics when I was older, cheering me on. Wish I’d kept it going.
I’ve had a very busy week taking the compost bins and all the debris to the skip. I have another car load now waiting for me. Will probably take it tomorrow and have a cheeky swim too as its just round the corner from the skip. I did think about keeping them but there isn’t room in the garden. I’ll just have to do regular skip runs and buy compost. I’m really quite upset because I’ve been making my own compost for years. I’d just done the garroter for the winter. It will be a relief to be done with it so theres nothing for anyone to complain about. So spiteful and petty.
You did make me smile with the talc footprints from the fire for Santa. Kids really aren’t daft. My niece hated the idea of Santa getting in the house at all. Very security conscious! It’s a different world to the one I lived in.
Your Christmas lights night sounds like the Edwardian night we went to for years in the run up to xmas. People would dress up in old costumes for their stalls and a real brass band and carol singers would parade through the street. It was magical and so packed. I’d always go on the fair ride with my niece. Felt like I was flying. It’s another thing we all did together and it just won’t happen now.
I got a newsletter from an artist and she was describing putting her garden to bed for the winter. I thought that was such a lovely turn of phrase. I’m still trying to catch up with all my jobs and hope to get done before it turns too chilly.
I think having a quiet day for yourself here and there will be necessary to keep you focused and get through the hustle and bustle of xmas. You are doing so well Debbie. I’m dreading it all. It was far away before and now it’s too close that I can’t not think about it. Looking forward to getting my xmas tree for the garden though and decorating it with angels for mam. Your Sunday school children inspired me and I remembered the angels in the trees for mams service at the church. They were so happy.
Lots of love xxx
Hi all,
Was in the garden again yester rejigging my patio space for mams xmas tree and replanting mam and dads pots brought over from my sisters garden. A lot of the bulbs have rotted and plants have died. I remember the care that went into planting them and didn’t want to undo but had to to see what was worth rescuing. Creep was out all day so I got lots done. Here’s some pics.
A very misty Autumnal morning with wafty cobwebs adorning the pergola.
Such delicate structures spun with silk thread
Reminds me of the beautiful table cloth mam crocheted I have draped on my bed in the summer.
I was very pleased to see my mate again from along the doors, even if his dad still isn’t speaking to me after chickengate!
Amazed to still see my passion flower flowering and fruiting.
I removed the fishtanks housing water for pots to open up the patio into the garden and pleased with the effect.
Found my pumpkin fizzing in the compost caddy when I was tidying. Quite amusing to see Nature doing Her thing.
Compost bins and debris now gone with a firm email to the council that all tenants need to comply with the rules, including the difficult ones. I’ve become one of those middle-aged complainers! Still furious and upset that I can’t compost now.
Did lots of washing bird cages and hanging macrame and baskets so I can put them away until Spring.
Have lots of pots to repot and lots more to still collect. Will get some winter pansies and whatever else reminds me of planting up baskets with mam. I just hope the weather doesn’t turn before I get it all done. I’ll have a look in Tesco and B and Q with my niece today if she goes swimming after the skip trip. So a full day ahead. Unusual for me.
Hope you are all doing ok and if not try to post. I know how hard that is. Just reading your posts when I couldn’t write helped me. I woke up crying for mam this morning. I’d give anything for it to have never happened. She can have my life and I’ll be where she is now. Same old merry-go-round of trying to make sense of something that will never come to an end until I do. I hope she is there waiting for me. My therapist said another client lost a parent but he could feel they were with him. Why hasn’t mam done that? I want her to be with me, for as long as she can give me. That ache doesn’t go away. It’s always there. I’m starting to panic about her anniversary. That dread of having to relive losing her. I’m waiting for my chinese lanterns to be delivered but don’t want to get them because I will have to think about that day. I hope the children will do it with me. Otherwise I’ll be in the park in the dark on my own, terrified that I’ll be attacked. But at the same time I just don’t care because the most awful thing that can happen to me has happened - losing her. Too upset now so I’ll go and catch up later.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Loving the pics as always of your garden.
I had that sadness again this morning. Beginning of the week is always very tough and to compound it I’ve just had the phone bill!
I managed to do half of the Xmas cards yesterday afternoon. Mum and I used to write them about this time and was thinking of her all the time while writing. When I just sign the cards in my name it really hits home the feeling of loss. I still hadn’t got used to writing just Mum and myself name on the cards without Dad let alone just mine.
Getting Xmas goods one by one everytime I go shopping as there wont be so much to get this year. If I get an invite I’ll go but am making sure the freezer will be fully stocked!
Cant wait until Thursday as I am in London visiting my church St Martin In The Fields for one of their free lunchtime choral concerts and then finally seeing Mary Poppins in the West End before it closes in the New Year. Something to really look forward to !
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
I love that you all love the garden pics. It spurs me on and I wouldn’t look at the garden in the same way if I wasn’t posting my pics. It’s like you’re all there with me. I have some more for you when I’ve finished here. Didn’t get anything done because the wet mist never went away but I did feed the birds scattering seed on tables and benches because the feeders weren’t dry. And I sanded my bits of wood offcuts for my sparkly garden hangings inspired by Tina. Looking forward to starting that. Just hope the mirrors don’t fall off!
That sadness always weighs heavy in the morning. I have a routine which starts my day and shakes it off a little and when I’m focused on planned tasks it’s still there to varying degrees. Thought I was going to cry again at the skip when the other lovely man came to help me. I’ll be back again tomorrow and he joked about giving me a job. They’re so lovely there and because I’ve gone so often in the last year and they always help me I’m going to give them some chocs and nice biscuits for Christmas. Just a little thank you. I’ll see what Aldi has and start getting bits in when I go back with my niece. Bits here and there are easier than having to face a massive xmas shop. Can’t even think about xmas. I didn’t even have any chocolate and that is extraordinary given that I’m a totally choc fiend!
You mentioned the phone bill. I used to pay a monthly fee to get free calls for an hour on the home phone and would speak to mam every day and throughout the day. If you have a home phone it might be worthwhile. My home phone never rings now and if it does I jump because it’s so unusual (and usually a withheld number).
Didn’t spot the xmas trees at the park on the way to skip. I hope they turn up for Dec. I hate seeing all the xmas lights across the road, lit up like Blackpool. It makes me want to cry because xmas was such a massive thing for us. I just can’t bear to celebrate it.
That must have been heartbreaking to do your xmas cards without your mam. It’s extraordinary what we find ourselves doing when it is so bloody painful. I was pleased to give Suzanne my address and I’m looking forward to sending everyone xmas cards. I wouldn’t have bought any otherwise. I was saying to her such small things now hold the most significance now. I sent cards without much thought before as part of the xmas bundle of stuff to do. Missed getting mams traditional scenes. I wish I’d kept them. I’ve never felt so alone in my life.
Your concert on Thursday sounds lovely. It always makes me emotional listening to carols and even more so now. I’ll keep a check on what the church is doing for the xmas period so I can go back. I can’t face crying again and trying to be quiet. If there’s lots of peeps I might not be noticed but then that would also make me claustrophobic so not sure. I find it really hard sitting still and being quiet, like a hyperactive child! I didn’t sleep when I was little and dad would drive me round in the car to tire me out but all I wanted to do was go faster!
Your Mary Poppins reminds me of my ballet when we all had brollies with red spots. I was the only one in the line to forget to put it down in the dance routine. Mortifying!
So nippy now when its dark. I pop the heating on for a couple of hours just to dry the washing, otherwise it never would. Keeps the place warm enough until I go to bed but dreading winter setting in. I hate the cold and can’t stop shivering. Not sure about swimming when it gets really cold.
Anyway, here’s some pics from today. Trying to find the most beautiful cobweb. This could be it.
Dread to think how massive the spider is! Last summer I discovered a monster living under the kitchen step. Not sure if I told you but my sis worked as a dental nurse when she was young and was horrified to discover the dentist was feeding bits of cheese to the tarantula (it was that huge) living in the cupboard under the sink where she cleaned the utensils. She was terrified to go in the kitchen after that.
Back to the garden now and this is what I’ve repotted so far. Doesn’t look much but I had to empty tubs, sort plants, fill new tubs and then plant up.
A very wet day indeed but the natural light makes the greenery glow.
Removing the fishtanks opens up the entrance to the garden.
I was very pleased to see a revival of the nasturtians. Wonder if they’ll flower before it turns frosty.
I’m thinking of placing lots of potted plants at the top pond because nothing grows there with the tree roots and compacted dense clay soil. I’ll create a fern garden with hostas and foxgloves in the Spring.
You can tell winter is well and truly on its way when you look at the bare trees creating a lacy sky.
Delighted to discover a pop of colour.
Made a good start organising the patio, moving tables to create a work space for all that potting up
and the beds shoved together for the xmas tree
so I’ll be able to see it from the kitchen window while I’m doing my dishes every morning. It will be like mam is with me.
I still have lots to do but I’ve made a start and a couple of good days will transform the space.
I have one more skip run after tomorrow. I got a reply email from the council thanking me for my prompt removal of the compost bins with an offer that they would consider a proposal for a gardening club on the communal land (not sure if that means the lawn at the front of my house - bloody hope not!) if I wanted to. I can’t think of anything worse, given the type of people I have had to endure since living here, the complaints made about my disabled bay and then the compost bins. Every time I open my door or arrive home the woman who hates me comes out and lurks about her garden just to let me know she’s still there?! And when I’m in my back garden I can hear her furiously sweeping the pavement (not even her own garden). She stopped when I started smirking to myself. This is the level of intelligence, or lack of. Oh to be living in my bedroom back at home with the family, fighting with my sister, beating her on computer games, watching Big Brother and going out partying at the weekend. I don’t want to be grown up and in control of my life. I just want my mam back.
How are your new neighbours? The creep has been very quiet since he’s discovered the cameras. He’s so quick going to and from the car I can’t catch him on playback and have given up trying. The idea was to have evidence in the event that he does anything so I have peace of mind now. And nobody seems to be taking the piss like they were. Soz if you are offended by language. My sis always tells me off for swearing (like mam did). I use it to express emotion, mostly being annoyed. I’m always shocked though when I hear other people using language. It makes me laugh.
I was quite amused today at swimming by the man who was doing press ups in the water and when when I reached the end he just stared at me. Talk about awkward! I put on my dazed expression (hope I don’t look cross-eyed doing it!) and continued with my swim. He got out. Totally unnecessary when I’m having a quiet half hour to myself. I noticed him staring again (couldn’t miss him in his hi vis cycling costume) when he was drying his feet. Hope he never goes there again. And when I got out the staff had to clean the pongy area I’d gone to get dressed in because someone had peed in the cubicle. What is wrong with peeps?
Looking forward to your pics on Thursday. Hoping to get some more pots brought over but trying to pin my niece down to being at home so I can collect them is proving very difficult. I will just have to keep trying.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil.
It’s never good to get a bills, I just pay everything monthly now it stops alot of surprises.
I’ve started on Christmas this weekend, went to our local shopping centre and got a few presents, it’s a start.
When I got home I thought I had bought cards in the sales last year, it seems I hadn’t, last Christmas was a blur now.
I have lots of grandchildren, and I still get something for my grown up children. I still always write Doug’s name on their cards and presents, he very much still part of our Christmas.
Like you I did make a start on writing some cards, our church has asked every one in the circuit to write ten cards, so they will have enough to give all the prisoners and staff at a near by prison.
I would love to send you a Christmas card Neil, I will send the others one as Suzanne has all our addresses.
I will be going to my daughter’s again this year, we always have. She likes to make sure I’m not on my own and keeps me busy. I usually give her some money towards Christmas food as I won’t need it at home.
I hope you have a good day on Thursday and enjoy the concert at St Martin’s, also Mary Poppins, love the film never seen the show.
Sending love
Debbie X X
Lovely photos Christine, can’t get as enthusiastic as you about cobwebs, it just means spiders to me, yuk
You said about swearing, Doug used to go mad if I swore.
One of the teachers at school asked how I was, told him not so good since losing Doug, said I was retiring next year. He made me smile when he said, instead of putting that flag pole up in the quad, the school should have a bronze statue of me.
Going to try and get my Christmas lights up outside soon, I’ve bought batteries ready. I will take photos when I do.
Love Debbie x
Hi Debbie
Glad you will be going somewhere Christmas. I had three offers last year but I’m not too bothered if I am on my own this year.
I have never even seen the film of Mary Poppins, although know the story of course. One of our biggest shows and finishes early January so it was a priority .
Once I get through the early part of the week I’m usually OK so seeing it on Thursday should put me in a good frame of mind.
Have a good evening.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Debbie,
Whenever I see a cobweb I think of you and smile!
I think my swearing as a form of ‘expression’ is the rebellion in me which never left. I created a series of patchworks using the derogatory names given to women. I have another series in mind for a womans ‘bits’. There’s a fabulous online group who creates textile artworks using bad language. It makes me laugh. Some people, including my mam, are so offended by words. She didn’t like me referring to my delightful neighbour as the ‘creep’. Can think of a lot more to describe him but she wouldn’t like any of them either! He’s very quiet at the mo, since the cameras going up. Makes me wonder what he’s up to when I can’t see him.
I like the bronze statue idea at work. You should hold him to that. I think it’s lovely that you have a flagpole. I remember dancing round the flagpole at school. Boiler suits were all the rage and mam made me a fab black patent leather one covered in zips. I’ve never been so hot! I remember when mam retired from the post office. We did her a party. Mam’s always happy when I think of her. I wish I hadn’t been off doing my own thing all the time and paid more attention to what was happening. I would have a very different life if I could go back and relive it. I would be a different person, content to be at home and not wanting to be out all the time.
Looking forward to the photos of your decs and lights. I sanded my wooden offcuts from the shed that I’d kept to decorate but can’t find my stick-on mirrors anywhere. I know I put them in a ‘safe place’ but can’t find them. Always the way. Not sure if I’ll get lights for the xmas tree because I have the fairy lights all over the pergola. I’m looking forward to getting the patio decorated but I know when it’s done I’ll feel very empty. If I have a goal I’m ok because I’m focused but when it’s finished I just feel lost again.
Couldn’t do much in the garden today. It was so wet and it’s raining again now. Have my therapy, skip run and a swim tomorrow so quite a busy day. Will probably make my soup in the morning if I defrost the frozen veg overnight. I seem to have anxiety about keeping busy and achieving goals in my day.
Haven’t thought about buying cards yet but I’m so pleased to be able to send xmas cards to you all (hope Neil joins us). You are all with me throughout the day in one way or another.
You mentioned batteries. I got rechargeable ones from Amazon and they last forever. Saves a fortune.
Looking forward to the pics.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
How are you this morning?
I woke up having one of those awful realistic dreams. If I keep having them I’m gonna end up not going to sleep at all and living a 24 hour day instead.
It’s absolutely pouring down like some mad monsoon here. Has been since 6am. I’m hoping it stops as I have to go and have bloods done later as the surgery rang me up yesterday. I’ll look like a drowned rat if it doesn’t improve. It’s the first time I’ve been back there since everything happened and it is causing a lot of anxiety. It’s only 3pm so a long way to go yet. I must remember to drink enough before I go as I don’t want them not to be able to get any!
Love seeing how different your garden is in its different areas and divisions it is truly fascinating. I like the paving slabs you’ve done. Very nice. I did the same and ran out so had to do a patch with bricks on their side like your step. I was worried they wouldn’t take hold but they actually looked nicer than expected as they looked quite rustic. Looks like I’ve lost a garden centre rose too. I’ve lost a fair bit of plants this year but I think it’s only natural given what the weather was like in the Summer. All is forgotten now with the storm, colder weather. I’ve got a big hanging basket of strawberry plants with flowers on. Don’t know what they are doing with flowers on at this time but I think I’m gonna split them as they did nothing this year. Lovely flowers but all the strawberries developed a white powder on them. Must be mould maybe. You’ve got some lovely stuff still flowering by the look of your pictures. Apart from your Mum is there only yourself that has the gardening hobby. Looking back I’m amazed at all the sheer work, money and effort I must have put into all my plants at one time. I remember, like you, getting 120 geranium plug plants that needed potting on and looking after!
I don’t really know what to expect over Christmas. Didn’t remember it last year. We stopped bothering with Christmas a long time ago due to all the greed and debt you could see people getting into for just a day. Not even a full day half the time. People swapping gifts just because they think they should. I know certain parts of it will be very sad, but there’ll be many more in the same position this year that weren’t last year.
The daylight is breaking through but the downpour is still very heavy. Zoe has gone back to bed, must be tired but quite relieved she doesn’t want to play “tug”!! I will do her tablets shortly, she’s the only dog we’ve had that run’s voluntarily into the kitchen when she hears the tablet bottle opening. Maybe because she knows they are always wrapped in some tasty bit of chicken!
Been up a fair while but not bad breakfast yet so I’ll find something nice and see how things go today. I doubt putting washing on the line will be on the agenda somehow!
Lots of love xx
Morning everyone
A wet and windy Tuesday here. Still having problems logging on. When I click the link it’s taking ages to load . Not having any problems with other sites only this one. Managed to get on here early today.
On my way to another UC appt shortly. Even though I’ve been looking at plenty of jobs, I dont feel totally ready for the workplace. Mainly down to this time of year and the first anniversary coming up .
If I can get the festive period over that will be a relief and I think I will be more ready . At the point now where I need to be getting some more money coming in and something to focus on.
Hope everyone has as good a day as possible.
Will be on here if I can later if I dont have any problems logging in.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
Yes, it’s pouring here too. Such a shame because I had prepared more pots to empty and repot. Hoping it dries up a bit. Just googled your strawberry situation and I think you might have to discard them if it’s really bad:
Signs of powdery mildew are a characteristic curling of leaves which is followed by appearance of a white powdery coating on the underside. Purple-reddish blotches appear on the upper and lower surface of leaves. Infected flowers produce deformed fruit or no fruit at all.
You can buy fungicides but not sure if you’ll want to eat the fruit. My raspberries haven’t produced hardly anything for a couple of years. I’ll try moving them and see if they prefer the clay soil rather than the compost raised bed. It’s always quite upsetting seeing plants not performing. Like you say, gardening costs a fortune and all those plug plants I bought came to hardly anything when I transplanted them into the garden from pots. All the pampering and coaxing they get. Even the roses died (about half of them). I think we’ll have to start thinking of drought loving plants for the garden itself and have a selection of seasonals in pots. With all the pots I’ve brought over I’ll be forever watering them. One of the peeps on Gardeners World gave his plants very little water rather than soaking them so they acclimatised to the heat and drought conditions. It really does seem a long way off now but I’m sure we’ll all be out there again in the Spring, planting bulbs and preparing for the season. I have bulbs and wonder if planting and placing them next to the house for shelter will be better than waiting until Spring? Not sure yet and have so much sorting out to get through yet. I’d quite like working in a garden centre or greenhouse market (can you imagine the heat?). I got my gardening bug from helping mam and dad. We always had a lovely garden wherever we were. I remember the massive vegetables dad grew up north. Peeps enter them into competitions. I like watching it, seeing the love that goes into the growing and perfecting, some with hidden secrets of soil recipes and routines. I think a lot more peeps will start growing veg with the way things are now.
I’ve been preparing my frozen veg into bags so I can start my soup batches. It’s quite satisfying when I see all the little tubs cooling for the freezer. Just having a catch up before I get ready for therapy, then skip and a swim again at the lido as it’s just round the corner. I was disappointed that the xmas trees weren’t there yet at the park. Maybe it’s a bit early. I sanded my wood offcuts and hunted everywhere for my little stick-on mirrors and was very disappointed that I couldn’t find them. The ‘safe place’ is very safe indeed! I’ve ordered more and can’t wait to get started. Also ordered some white plastic table cloths to make angels for the tree and patio. Was inspired by Debbie’s children at Sunday school and it reminded me of the angels decorating the trees lining the church path for mams service.
I’m looking forward to sending my cards. It was just something I did before mam left, along with the xmas shopping and wrapping pressies. But they will have a lot more meaning now. I won’t be doing xmas at all and will be on my own again. Can’t even think about it. I have mams anniversary on 25th to get through first. Still waiting for my chinese lanterns to arrive. I do hope the children do it with me. Haven’t heard from my sis up north. She said she was coming down for the anniversary. I just can’t go. Nobody likes me (it’s true, I’m the black sheep) and I cannot take any more criticism from them about who I am as a person and who they want me to be and what I should do. I won’t be able to hide my heartbreak. It will be like mam is leaving all over again.
Still pouring down. That will be fun at the skip! I’ll have to empty all the debris out of the bags, not just throw them in because it’s the recycling garden bit. I got a thank you email from the council because I was so quick to deal with removing the compost bins. They had the cheek to mention a gardening club if I wanted to make an application, for the residents. Buggar that! Can you imagine me with the people I’m surrounded by? Can’t imagine anything worse.
Zoe does make me laugh, running in for her chicken tablet. Wish Porsch was as enthusiastic. I have to sit on the kitchen floor with her and hand feed her little chicken morsels (heated up). She always knows where the tablet is and spits it out. If I get fed up and walk off she finishes the lot, including the tablet. She still won’t look at her little cave bed for winter. She’s cosy by the radiator on heaps of furry blankets, like the princess and the pea. She’s certainly a princess!
You must be exhausted with all those nightmares and waking up early. I never dream. My niece isn’t sleeping at the mo. She feels very lost after her A levels and then deferring for uni until next year, not finding a job and just fiddling about. I was given Zopiclone when I couldn’t sleep and it really did help me to get back into a routine. Totally knocked out for a good 4 hours. Might be worth asking your doc. Good luck with the bloods. It really is hit and miss who you get and how good they are at stabbing you. I usually go for a swim after because it’s round the corner. Going to your surgery is another one of those ‘firsts’ we all have. It’s very surreal. I can’t predict at all how I am going to feel from one minute to the next. I nearly started crying again at the skip yesterday. Hope it doesn’t happen again today.
Would love some pics of your garden. I still have to finish my step but need more bricks. I did notice a skip full of bricks on the way to the skip but difficult in traffic. I’m like a magpie when I need something!
Can here the creep on the move. My cameras really are keeping him quiet and the rest of the undesirables. Should have done it years ago. He’s very quick going to the car and turns his head away. I give up trying to catch him on camera but will have evidence if I need it.
Off to check on my veg defrosting in the sink. Good luck today. I’ll be thinking of you. Post later and let us know how you got on. I find the best way is just to avoid eye contact and not speak. That way, if the sadness gets out I don’t have to deal with someone’s reaction and having to explain about mam.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Suzanne was saying some of the others are finding it difficult logging on. I do hope you can get back on later as I’ll be here. Not looking forward to going to the skip in the rain as I’ll have to coax all the compost debris out of the bags. The lovely man will help me. Just realised I’ll be a drowned rat by the end as my coat doesn’t have a hood (not cold enough for a winter coat).
I think your appointments and looking for jobs will be routine for a lot of peeps. Like you said, unless you find something that really appeals to you, you won’t be ready to face the world of work, having to put on a brave front when you are falling apart inside. It’s different going back to a workplace you know, with people who know that you are grieving (doesn’t make them kind though). I don’t know how anyone finds the courage to keep going in every day, regardless of how desperate they are feeling. When I said I wouldn’t be able to manage it and didn’t know how my sister was (the one up north) she was angry, saying that I didn’t love mam more than her! Whatever I say is taken the wrong way. All I meant was I am so fragile emotionally that I have no stability to be able to trust that I can function at all throughout the day. Everyone in my family seems to think it’s a competition, of who loved mam more. I haven’t heard from her about the anniversary. I was just explaining to Tina how I won’t be going. I can’t face being pulled apart again or being told what to do. Still haven’t got my purple lanterns.
I totally agree with getting this whole xmas thing over and done with and feeling a sense of relief afterwards. But of course, mams birthday follows in January. I can’t even begin to think about how awful it is going to be. I didn’t stop crying last xmas. Can’t imagine this one to be any less painful. But I am looking forward to dressing the patio and getting mams tree.
Good luck with your interview hun. Take a brolly! See you later.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
As Christine was saying Nic and Lucy are having issues signing in but hopefully they’ll manage soon also I just had to sign in here about 10 mins ago as had managed to come out somehow.
How did your UC meeting go? Hope they realise how much effort you are putting in to find something you enjoy. I may have already asked this but a while back but is there any specific kind of work you would prefer? x
The rain has also been pouring down up here so much so our roof is leaking at work again and when I phoned it in they said they would have to wait for a couple of good dry days before they could send someone and I replied ‘you are aware I’m in Scotland? So what you’re telling me is it won’t be fixed until next year?’….she said no but still waiting lol x
Hope you have a peaceful day tomorrow as it’s Thursday you are out and about isn’t it?
Anyway have a great night and chat soon 
x
Hi Christine,
I don’t think I said how lovely all your photos were that you posted.
Do you have any swimming planned this week? I need to go to the skip but all our workers just sit in their hits and do f all and don’t help at all so you are lucky x
Just watching a programme about tornadoes 
and I would so love to go storm chasing in the States but so expensive lol x Now the programme has moved to volcanoes and on it is the one in Iceland I saw when I was there.
Just wish Xmas was over already but I’ve been invited to a Xmas lunch at a friends house and feel pretty honoured to be invited and included as it’s his son’s first Xmas and luckily his son is super cute so I don’t need to pretend 
x
Anyway off to bed as up for work in the morning so will catch up with you soon x
Take care 
x
Hi Suzanne
I’m looking at retail or office work preferably as I have done that before.
Meeting went well with UC and I asked if I could have the appt in a private room as having a few tearful episodes on certain days in the lead up to Mums anniversary . They agreed with no problems at all and said I could have a room again next time ( the day before Mums anniversary).
Should be a quiet day tomorrow . My friend phoning later in the day. Looking forward to my afternoon out Thursday.
I will be going to more evening shows starting soon as I’m sick of being stuck in every evening. The reason I only went to shows in the afternoon was because I was a carer and had to be here for Mum in the evening. So looking forward to seeing some in the evening starting next month.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Suzanne,
Didn’t know storm chasing was a thing for tourists. Just thought it was for thrill seekers. Love watching that too. Always reminds me of the witch in The Wizard of Oz getting hit with a house. Really scary with all the storms out there.
I got very upset again in therapy for no reason. I think the anniversary coming up and then xmas is weighing heavy. Thought I was going to cry at the skip but luckily had no help because they were chatting and the lovely man could see I was ok with my bags. I said hi. I’ll take them some nice chocs and biscuits to say thanks for all their help. The smallest gesture of kindness means so much.
I think going to your mates for xmas day will be good for you. It will make the day go faster and you might even enjoy some of it, though I’m sure the sadness will never leave you. I might try to go to church xmas morning just for something to do, to get me out of the house because I know the sadness will snowball fast if I don’t break up the day. Hope Neil goes for xmas lunch too. I always used to hate the adverts for old people who were on their own, but especially at xmas. That’s me now. If it weren’t for you lovely peeps I wouldn’t speak to anyone all day. My niece is always with her boyfriend and doesn’t make plans for swimming so we’ve not met up again since last week when I took her shopping. I went swimming again today and the biting man was in the pool being boisterous. He had lots of plasters on his neck so I can only imagine what he gets up to when he’s not being watched. I feel really sorry for him. He was very excited to get a beach ball off one of the kids. He seemed to be fascinated with my hair (had my raving horns in again until I got blasted in the waves). Swimming on my own is so bloody boring. My whole life is.
The rain should clear up a bit tomorrow so hoping to get in the garden and crack on with some more pots. Hope my stick-on mirrors arrive so I can make a start on my wood hangings. I got my purple lanterns for mam so pleased with them. Just over a week to go now.
Hope you are sleeping and dreaming of badgers.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
I think going to shows in the evening will be good and a chance to meet up for drinks after if you get chatting to anyone. Haven’t been in a pub for years. I loved shopping during the day and then going out on the evening in my new outfit. Seems a lifetime ago now.
You are lucky that the person was kind enough to let you have some privacy for your meetings. I cannot imagine the courage you will have to find to go the day before your mam’s anniversary. I’m dreading it and starting to panic now its getting closer because it’s just the start of the upset. I cried in therapy again and held it back at the skip. It’s like I have no control of myself and I have always been a very in control person. I keep trying to push the sadness away. If I allow myself to visit those thoughts I’ll go to pieces. I keep thinking of mam as she was, her quiet, relaxed, peaceful self. I wish I was calm like her. I got her purple lanterns today and I’m pleased with the colour. She loved purple.
Glad you have your friend phoning in the evening. It comes round so quick. Being alone with my thoughts only makes them more intense. I always feel better for chatting and seeing my niece. Hope she’s available tomorrow so I can get some more pots. Rain should ease tomorrow so I can get in the garden.
Each day seems to be getting harder now. All we can do is get through the day as best we can. It’s always a relief to get to bedtime. I dread waking up and starting another day. When I hear Porsch screaming for chicken I know it’s time to pick myself up and make a start. Routines help. Might make some more soup tomorrow.
Night hun,
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Just a thought on the office job front. Have you tried the civil service? Good pension and sitting down on a computer for the most part. I know it’s a very unstable time at the mo job searching.
Just had a lovely lady pop in to take water samples for Thames Water. Then in the middle of it there was a delivery of my storage boxes from about 2 months ago where I had to chase them for ages for a refund because they didn’t turn up. The bloke was laughing when I said I was refusing them. Very busy morning and I’m not even dressed yet. Woke up late feeling physically exhausted. Think all the skip trips and swimming has taken its toll. Hope my delivery turns up soon so I can see if my niece wants to go to the pound shop to look for winter pansies. Lidel and Aldi are there too. Did you know they were brothers? There was a fight over what to sell and so they did their own shops and have been in competition ever since.
Lovely and bright today so hoping to get more pots repotted if my niece doesn’t reply.
Looking forward to your pics after your day out tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
Hi All
Hope everyone is keeping okay.
@NEILB72 good luck with the job search. It’s nice that the UC people will offer a private room, it can all be so overwhelming. Hopefully something that suits you will come along soon.
Going to the theatre in the evening is lovely, an excuse to put your best clobber on. Still haven’t sorted my trips for next year
@christine51 we are hoping for the rain to break at some point in the next few days so we can start to take the poppy display down. Then the task of drying and storing it, without going mouldy
You may regret offering your services as I may be calling on them in the new year! Our local church wants to do a big craft display for the coronation and love the idea of crocheted flower waterfall from the tower. Don’t think they know how much time it takes but if we decide to do it - we’ll be wanting as many bright crocheted and knitted flowers as possible so dust of your hook!
I am currently trying to crochet a little teddy. So far he looks like something from a crime reenactment
Otherwise doing okay. Suffering a bit with pain, especially hip and knee joint pain and all over muscle. Gets worse at certain hormone times and the doctor is sending me for another raft of blood tests but very nice that she listens.
The last few weeks I have been plagued with bad dreams and nightmares, often including Mum. Those can be really distressing. The subconscious mind is a strange thing. I haven’t been journalling and don’t have the Sue Ryder counselling any more so maybe my mind is trying to get things ‘out’. Will try to journal again. I think that and the time of year, time moving forward and all that just makes these natural ups and downs.
What upsets me the most is I have always been a vivid dreamer and they are usually just bizarre and amusing if anything, so to have these bad ones feels like one of my safe spaces has been invaded.
Have been doing some fused glass and pleased with some pieces. Will try and sell some on Facebook. The price of glass has gone up a lot but if I could just sell enough so I can buy more glass and fed my habit!
It is lovely to be in Matilda and surrounded by things with Mum’s writing on and I’ve found some sketches she’s done of ideas I will try and put into action.
Better get back to work…my concentration is pants at the moment and I seem to working at snails pace!
Beki x
Hi Christine
Hope you are doing ok today. (as ok as possible).
Thanks for telling me about the powdery coating on the strawberries. It was kind of you to look it up. Can’t really work it out, I had put them in a hanging basket so they wouldn’t get infested or waterlogged and they got such a lot of flowers on and in the summer they were covered in fruits. None of them edible. I don’t normally buy fruit plants so won’t bother again I don’t think. You made me laugh in a way not being able to find your mirrors that you put in a “safe place”. That’s my life story all over. mum used to say “a place for everything and everything in its place”. It used to infuriate me to be honest and I never learned the lesson after all.
I understand what you mean about things feeling a bit harder. Surviving after what we’ve been though takes every ounce of energy from our body cells, it’s no wonder we are emotionally drained. It was kind of the Job centre staff to let Neil have a private interview room wasn’t. There are some people with kindness and humanity out there. Talking about tearful I was walking home from Asda the other evening and it was semi-dark and for a moment really thought I was gonna burst into tears on the main road. It’s was like the sensation of really being in my own had taken hold. Not so much physically being on my own but mentally. It hard to explain. I managed to go to my bloods appt and just knew I’d have to pass the treatment room that Mum was always going to and the bloods room was the same one mum went to last. Walking down to the appointment I thought I was going to pass out and my heart was thudding, it was awful. Last time I went it was for Flu and COVID injections and I remembered that also the last time I went that Mum was at home waiting and this time it was going to be different. Wished they’d have given me the tablets without the bloods but under the circumstances that was never going to happen. They said they’d get the results the day after but they haven’t rang today yet.
I can just picture you getting all your containers ready for your batch cooking sessions! I’m going to have to try to do a soup in the slow cooker this week. I keep meaning to but there is always ingredient that I haven’t got so abandon the idea! I’ve not got a lot of resolve and give up far to easily!
I’m sure your family won’t see you being on your own over Christmas. It won’t be easy in a lot of ways, but if we’ve got through it once somehow, maybe we can again. I see its 1 year in 25th November for you and for me it’s 8th December. I can’t even say it’s seems a long time ago, nor a short time ago because time now seems to be measured as “space” rather than separate 24hour periods. I know that must sound weird.
There was something else I meant to add but it’s just left my mind completely. That seems to be the norm with me at the moment!
I’ll sign off for now and check in again soon
Much love xx