I noticed you’d changed your profile photo. It’s nice.
Just saying to Christine that it was good of UC to let you have a private room for your interview. Shows there are some understanding souls around.
It’s feeling a bit harder I think with Xmas stuff going on. We didn’t celebrate Xmas on a get together and party level so won’t have anything to miss but seeing all the houses with sparkly lights no doubt will have a lot of associations attached. I think you are right to put off accepting jobs before Xmas due to what’s happened. If you are feeling vulnerable it’s just going to put you under a lot of strain.
All we can do is just take one bit of time at once. We can’t hold it back unfortunately or I probably would.
Hi Beki,
Great to see you again. Someone said dreaming and nightmares are a way to make sense of stress and that makes sense if you have stopped your journalling and counselling. I don’t dream and would relish anything to do with mam. I was very upset in therapy, explaining that mam hasn’t visited me as a ghost and I want to know why. He gets a lot of spiritualists and healers as clients and they say generally if a person has gone where they ought to and isn’t ‘lost’ or hanging about then that’s why. So some reassurance I suppose that she’s where she should be but from a selfish perspective I want her to be with me. It must be lovely having your mams drawings and notes all around you. Ina sense she’s still there. I think it’s a wonderful idea to create your mams ideas. You could create your own ‘shrine’ of creativity.
Intrigued as to how you will dry your crochet? A tumble dryer (batches in a pillow case) might do it but what about shrinkage? I’ll certainly help with the next display and will have to you tube to learn how to create flowers. My forte was the granny square from being little. Love the flowers idea for the church with the waterfall. You could use blue plastic netting as a substitute and attach the flowers so they are the real stars in the display. Peeps really don’t know the work that goes into crafts.
I asked one of the churches here if they would like to display my religious themed textiles for xmas a few years ago but they were concerned that the lack of heating might be too damp and the insurance was an issue too. I was happy though that they even considered it on their panel committee. I really need to explore options for exhibiting works next year and contact magazines to be a featured artist. I haven’t even updated my websites with my blogs since mam and I’ve had a few out. My ‘how to create a shrine’ is listed for mams anniversary on 25th so I’m looking forward to seeing it in her honour and will post a link. I did fresh photos so it’s different to what I posted here and it’s the layering effect of creating an installation. I got purple chinese lanterns to light and send up to Heaven for her on the day. I’ll be in absolute bits.
You mentioned the rain. I’ve just come in from it, having got the rest of the potted plants unpotted and repotted to rescue what I could and dry bulbs and tubers. I was out there in the dark with my light so I could finish. It would have bugged me if I hadn’t. Freed up space to collect more from my sister’s garden but trying to get a response from my niece is becoming a real task when she doesn’t reply. Hoping to get some winter pansies for the patio. Mam always loved the happy little faces. Still doesn’t feel real that she isn’t here. It’s like she’s just away at the mo.
Looking forward to seeing your teddy! My niece has done some really lovely ones. I love teddy’s and have some collectors bears with the jointed limbs. Always get them out at xmas to do a display but won’t be doing anything apart from a tree in the garden for mam with white angels and glitter wood offcuts, one for each of us to remember our loved ones. I’ll post pics.
Hope your blood tests get to the bottom of what’s going on. I’ve been referred to hematology but there aren’t any appointments. The pains in my belly seem to have eased up. I was living on liquid (blended veg) but now have chunky soups.
It must feel cosy being back in Matilda surrounded by all your things. I created (pinned) new textiles and popped them back in the loft because I just run out of motivation. Comes in surges of enthusiasm and then nothing at all. So up and down. But always on the verge of tears. You might not be blasting through the work like you would like but give yourself a big gold star that you are doing it, however much of a struggle it is. You’ll find your mojo eventually.
Absolutely starving after being out there most of the day. Just waiting for the water to heat up. Nothing more relaxing than a hot bath after getting a lot done. Off for a bit and some Judge Judy.
Lots of love xxx
Evening everyone
Instead of replying individually I thought I would post to include you all.
Not a great day today but my friend phoned and he will be the next two weeks ( the 30th Mums anniversary ) so I know someone will be there to get me through as I know you lovely people are as well. When some so called friends have disappeared the real friends you can count on.
Tomorrow will be better. Going to the lunchtime concert at St Martin’s In The Fields , then hopefully booking a ticket for a show on 1st Dec ( if I have a bad day on 30th then something to look forward to the next day). Then on to see Mary Poppins at the Prince Edward Theatre . Met the lead Zizi Strallen during the summer but this will be the first time I will have seen her perform. Petula Clark , who recently turned 90, is in the show too as the bird woman. Hopefully wont be many school parties there. When I visited that theatre last to see Aladdin there were quite a lot. Really looking forward to it!
Pouring with rain here at the moment
Hope you all can have a pleasant evening
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
So pleased to see you here, as aways. I saw you posting while I was chatting to Beki but had to get some food after being in the garden most of the day. I’ve managed to repot rescued plants and if they don’t come to anything I know the pot is ready just to replace with something else. Rescued lots of bulbs and tubers which would have rotted in this rain. I was still out there in the dark and rain with a torch so I could finish. It’s pouring down now.
Looking forward to getting my mirrors. Sure I’ll come across the others. I ordered some plastic arts and crafts squares to create a stained glass window in the bathroom for xmas. Will post pics.
Keeping busy with projects is all I can do to hold back the upset for a short time. I do know that feeling of being alone. It’s absolutely crushing. I’ve started having panic palpitations where my heart is racing.
You did so well going to get your bloods taken, considering where it was. I don’t have the physical triggers that you all do because I didn’t live with mam, wasn’t her carer and when I was visiting I was always so busy trying to get through the list of jobs. But I still get a fright when I see an ambulance. Also, there’s a lady at the lido who can’t swim and clings onto the side like mam used to. I feel so guilty that I didn’t do more with her. I’m haunted by who I am, that I had a separate life to mam and wasn’t involved in doing stuff with her because I was so busy working and not living close by. I keep revisiting the past, years ago, thinking of all the things I could have done differently. Mam would tell me to not be so silly. I think because my sisters both have children they weren’t expected to help and be there like I was. There was always an excuse why my sister couldn’t join me on a weekend for a visit.
Your description of ‘time’ and ‘space’ is spot on. It’s not the same dimension it was before because we have changed in how we live in it. I know my projects are a way of getting me through the day. Everything is hollow. There is no real meaning to anything. It’s like the foundation of my life has disintegrated without mam. There are no floorboards. I’m just lingering wondering when it’s all going to end. I’m exhausted but can’t imagine it being any other way. I just hope mam is there at the end so all this upset is worth something. I hope she is content wherever she is. I hate having no reassurance that I need not worry about her. I’ve been left behind and feel so lost.
I’m dreading xmas because I can’t bring myself to celebrate it. I was totally alone last year. Dad went to stay up north with my sister. My other sister spent xmas with her friend and her kids. Nobody gives a shit about me. I just didn’t see it coming, being abandoned by the family I never really got along with but was always a big part of. Now mam’s not here they don’t have to tolerate me anymore. There’s nobody to encourage them to be a better person. I’m so aware of how alone I am. It’s frightening.
Hope there’s a film on worth watching. Will try to contact my niece again and see if she wants to go to the pound shop tomorrow. I still want some winter pansies for the patio. I always planted them round the pond with mam.
Hope you get a good rest after today. It’s always a relief to get some sleep. Waking up is the hardest part of the day when reality hits and I’m forced to just lie there. It never gets easier.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Booking another show after your mam’s anniversary is a really good thing because it always lifts you up and this will be a particularly harrowing day. I’m dreading mams anniversary. I’ve managed to keep it in the future and now I know it’s very close and can’t hide from it I’m starting to panic. I wonder if your friend knows how much his friendship and weekly phone call means to you. He is such a kind and loving person. My family has simply abandoned me. They all seem to resent mam having loved me the way she did.
Can’t wait to see all the pics. Mam loved taking the children to the local theatre. It was a tradition. I suppose nobody will bother now. If I didn’t panic I would have joined her. I missed out doing so much with her.
I wonder if it is all down to genetics and not just a healthy lifestyle, living to a ripe of old age as they say. Will book a cheeky swim tomorrow to keep the fitness going. Don’t know if it’s doing any good but it breaks up the day. Hope my niece answers my text to join me.
Enjoy the concert babe. Looking forward to hearing about it and seeing your pics.
Lots of love xxx
Some of them remind me of creatures from far away lands. Can you see the little face and outstretched arms? It’s like a deformed angel crying for help. Hope I don’t come back as a tuber!
There were lots of nuts in amonsgt the plants. I can imagine the squirrels coming back to find all the planters with their stash for winter. Haven’t seen my squirrels yet. I’ve popped birf seed and fat balls out. I loved watching them running along the fence to the old shed where I’d created the bird feeding table. They lived in the big trees at the back of the gardens. Hope they’re still there.
No reply from my niece to go to the pound shop so my plan is to look online at pansies but don’t want to pay a fortune just to get free delivery.
Neil, hope you’re enjoying your day out.
Lots of love xxx
Hi everyone again!
Found a lovely online gardening site and ordered my winter pansies (rust velvet), pink cyclamen (angels whisper), pink heather, a lovely pink ivy with beautiful markings, a little cranberry to replace the one I lost, a pussy willow tree (reminds me of being little and collecting the furry beasts), bulbs (hyacinth, narcissi, crocus, daffs, tulips). I got some amazing deals which is why I ordered so much stuff. Check it out online: www.gardeningexpress.co.uk
I’ll have to research about planting the bulbs because I don’t want them to rot in the rain and cold because I have nowhere to keep them apart from sheltered spots under trees and by the fences (but then not a lot of light). Always feel guilty for spending money on my garden but it is what I love to do and I get so much joy from it. It keeps me going.
Just waiting for my cards and stick-on mirrors to be delivered. White plastic tablecloths for my angels have got lost in the post. I’m so cold today that I haven’t bothered with swimming. Will wrap up warm and maybe’s watch a movie in bed. Think gardening in the damp and rain has taken its toll.
Feeling quite lost because I can’t get on with the garden and my niece hasn’t been in touch. Can’t keep hounding her with texts!
Lots of love xxx
How will we dry and store the crochet display…well we didn’t think about that My horse display can dry in the airing cupboard but the net of red poppies is over 10ft!! We’ll come up with something ingenious
Had an okay nights sleep last night but yet another stressful dream but not as bad as the other nights.
Am going to try my brave pants again and this time go by train on my own and see granddad soon for a few days and then he’ll drive me home. Will see some other relatives when I am up there. Mum did have some first cousins and two in particular always keep in touch with me. In fact her and her cousin Sheila were more like sisters (same age) . She had sent a text to Sheila saying if anything when tits up take care of Beki. Sheila is an absolute love, very sensitive. As she has been ‘left’ me, I call her Shemama now as she has to be surrogate Mum. Will be nice to give her a proper cuddle.
My first attempt at crochet teddy…well its not awful just slightly disturbing The head and neck ratio is hilarious.
Talking of bulbs, I found a dish my gran and Mum used to do hyacinth bulbs in for Spring - may give that a go. Need to check hyacinths are okay with cats around or find somewhere out of reach for them.
Oh if the winter bills get too much and you need to keep the house cosy:
Hi Beki,
WOW! I adore the pink crochet house! How fabulous! And your ted is delightful even if he hasn’t a neck. At least he’s happy and thinking of dancing by the looks of that massive glitter ball behind him. Very well done.
Wonder if you could fit the 10ft netting into a massive dryer at the laundrette? If not you could drape it all over the furniture at home with the heating on. Shame we aren’t still in the heatwave. Would have dried in no time. You’ll sort it out. If we get a sunny day stick it over matilda to make a start.
I think your stress dreams could be down to the festive season. It’s hit and miss whether I react to adverts. First of the xmas tape on the Amazon packages. Unexpected. I think being with your grandad again will calm you down and it must be a bit thrilling getting on a train to see him. I used to love going off for weekends and half terms visiting my sis up north and partying over Liverpool. Loved travelling, that sense of freedom.
OMG! Your mams cousin Sheila has my mams name. And I didn’t cry. Made me smile thinking of my mam being the loving and sensitive soul she is. She knocked around with her cousins too. They were very close and still are. You are loved Beki. It will be wonderful to meet her and create that bond. She could pop down for a visit, and you up there. To have love and kindness in your life means everything. Make the most of the time you have together. It’s so precious. You’ll be able to keep in touch. It will make all the difference to you not being alone. I feel so very alone.
I’m so mesmerised by that house. I watched a thing on an artist doing something similar. It was about the action of repetition and the calming influence that it has. Covered all the rails in the exhibition space, timing each stitch and could only take limited toilet breaks. A lot of textile art isn’t about the finished product but the intention of the action. The thing produced is a byproduct. I love pink.
Even though I’ve had a day in the house and got up late I’ve managed to order my plants and got my deliveries so I might make a start on my mirrored wooden bits for the garden. I’ve been so cold all day.
Enjoy your trip to see your grandad and Sheila. They’ll both be as thrilled as you. Looking forward to hearing all about it.
Lots of love xxx
Hi everyone
Thought I would share some pics from today.
First went to the free lunchtime choral concert at St Martin’s In The Fields and then enjoyed a tremendous performance of Mary Poppins at the Prince Edward Theatre. So glad I got to see it at last before the show closes in January. As always theatre has given me a much needed boost
Sending love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
Christine you put me to shame, I never dig up my bulbs and dry then out, they have to take their chances left in the pots or ground. But that something my mum used to do. Your right they do look like strange little creatures.
I glad you got your pansies ordered, I really should get some for my hanging baskets, it’s the farmers market next Saturday so I probably get some then. Also must really start to think about putting up the lights outside. The time is just rushing by.
This Saturday is the Sparkle, town switching on Christmas lights. I had ordered some sweets for the tombola at our church, don’t normally do Asda thought it would be easier. The only things that didn’t come were the sweets I was so annoyed, at least they sent the cakes for the cake stall. Ended up going to the co-op for them, I felt I had to explain to the lady on the till why I had so many sweets, didn’t want her to think they I was going to eat them
I’ve made a start for Christmas, I bought some cards today so I can begin get some written. My daughter has asked me to go to hers fro Christmas, she said I can stay over as long as I want or if I prefer to go home that’s okay too. Just come and go as I please, she invited her brother too, but he can’t make christmas day , he’s going to his partner’s sisters house. I think he will come on boxing day instead. We usually go to a panto too, not sure which one yet, I did say I suppose the adult only panto is out.
The weather has been awful today it’s raining for almost 24 hours, I hope it’s a bit drier tomorrow, I hate not being able to go out in the garden .
Hi Neil,
Lovely photos, I glad you have been able to get out in what’s been a difficult time for you at the moment.
I’m glad the UC people were sensitive to your needs giving to a private place for your meeting, can fully understand not wanting to start a job before Christmas.
It wasn’t until Tina mentioned it, I realised your profile picture had changed, I thought it looked different.
Will you be watching the world cup when it starts, Doug used to watch everything sport wise, I just haven’t got the same interest in it all anymore. Probably just look at the scores to see how we are doing and Wales of course.
Hi Tina,
I think I’ve said this to you before but I am the 8th Dec too at 4.15pm x
I am planning on getting a tattoo that day to celebrate her life cause otherwise I just wouldn’t get out of bed.
Will defo be thinking of you that day xx
Glad today was better and easier for you and your concert and show both look comforting and fun - just what you needed x
Also so pleased to hear that you will have your friend there with you on the 30th x not knowing how’ll you feel is unsettling or at least it is for me but least with your friend they will just let you be you and accept how you feel and what you want to do with no judgment plus as you say we will all be here for you x
I’ve never been to the Prince Edward theatre…where about is it? and to see the show on the last day is always a coup x
Also retail at Xmas time is no fun and with the way customers are just now I would avoid it like the plague lol x
The right job will come along when the time is right and it’s very respectful of the UC team to give you a room x
Anything planned for the next couple of days? I get that feeling of being fed up of being in night after night especially over the darker nights so hopefully you’ll find some shows/events to go along to x would a local college perhaps and evening class you would be interested in doing? x
I’m actually getting a couple of days off so got a new air fryer I need to try and then up at the Loch on Saturday x
Hi Neil,
Wish you could take pics of the performances to see the costumes. Always such beautiful buildings. So pleased you enjoyed today. You must be feeling energised and able to tackle the world again. It would be fab if you could find a role in the theatre, helping out back stage or with props. Would be fascinating. Did you meet any of the cast this time? Always a bonus if you did.
I made a start on my mirrored tiles to decorate the wood offcuts I’m doing for the garden and because I’m having to decorate both sides I had to order more. Will look very glamorous twirling in the breeze and catching the light on a cold winters day. Apart from that I’ve been resting today, watching rubbish films. Quite worn out really.
Chat tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
I’ve stopped doing an Asda shop because I got fed up of not getting what I needed and not even substituting. You did make me laugh with your sweets, explaining they weren’t all for you. I do that with my chocolate, that I won’t be eating it all at once. Dead giveaway! You are so good with being involved with the church. I’d love to be part of something. I can imagine the excitement of the little children grabbing their prize.
I had to rest today. Just run out of energy and even though it brightened up I couldn’t face the cold of doing more pots. I wouldn’t normally dig up the bulbs. Mam didn’t. It’s just I was trying to rescue whatever I could because my sister didn’t look after anything. But I always helped dig out the dahlias and wrap them up, then put them back in in Spring and stake them with a complex network of bamboo under the front window at the old house. I miss the traditions of doing stuff, even though it was a chore. I used to string up the xmas lights outside and make xmas wreaths for the doors with foliage from my own garden because I used to have so much ivy covering the trees at the top of the garden. They were huge, splendid creations.
That’s lovely to be invited as long as you want to stay for xmas with no pressure to have to stay. Your daughter is very easy going. I’d be frantic having company, making sure everything was perfect. I always went for xmas day to mam and dad’s and had a very grown up lunch. It was lovely, just the three of us. Dad always wanted a lift to the pub and to be picked up again and I’d say no because I’d just spend the whole day in the car and mam agreed. Then I’d be back Boxing Day with my sister and the kids and it would be chaos! There’d be 7 of us and luckily the dining table had an extension bit in the middle to make it bigger (from when they got married) so we could all fit round. Everyone dressed up in their party hats with crackers and xmas music in the background. It’ll never happen again. It’s so sad.
I wish there was a farmers market here. I was pleased with my pansies and other plants. Always get too much but then when it comes it hardly looks anything. My pansies are the rust brown colours which reminds me of mam and her velvet. I’ll have to get the pots ready with compost so I can enjoy potting them up and display on the tables. I got my cards too and have made a good start decorating my wooden offcuts with mirrors (ran out and had to order more). It feels like I’m going through the motions of doing stuff because I’ve already planned it but I’m not really present. I would normally really enjoy the run up to xmas and getting lots of things, being so busy. I just feel quite exhausted. Think it could be stress, like Tina’s and Beki’s nightmares.
Hope the xmas lights on Sat is exciting. We always had an Edwardian night in the village at the old house and it was a splendid do with old stalls and people dressed up, the big brass band and Santa. I always went on the fair with my niece, screeching with excitement. Always bought some handmade fudge. I always thought things would never end and just be the same every year. Mam always organised us all and I’d be the drive, collecting everyone to get there. I did it despite my panic. It was so crowded. I always lit a candle for my cats who had died and always cried in the church and embarrassed everyone but I didn’t care. Don’t know if my sister will take my little nephew to see Santa because I was always the one to take her there. It’s like mam made things happen and without her here nothing is happening that should be. But I’m not part of the family anymore now. It’s all just fallen apart without mam.
Sorry Debbie, I’m starting to get upset thinking about all the xmas stuff we did. I don’t know how I’m going to get through her anniversary.
Enjoy Sat if I don’t see you before then.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
Getting a tattoo is such a wonderful thing to do. Because I had my lymph nodes removed with the breast cancer I can’t risk getting a tat in case I swell up. I really don’t know how I’m going to get through her anniversary. It’s getting closer and I’m really starting to panic. Mam left at 2.50 am. I don’t know how I was able to drive back. Luckily there was no traffic. Dad had buggared off before us so we just had to get back however we could. It’s all so surreal, even now.
Like you I have no idea how I managed to drive home either….on autopilot I guess. It’s weird cause she passed at 16.15 and some things I remember crystal clear and then there are other hours/weeks I have no recollection of anything. Funny how the mind can often try to protect us and in some cases taunt us x
I’m not going to put any pressure on myself for that fateful anniversary and will take it as it comes x just so weird how life is though…a year ago none of us knew any of us existed and it was you who brought us all together but since then I have found out that Tina day from hell is same as mine and Neil’s funeral was same day as mine and only 30-60 mins before….I am not a believer in coincidence so firmly believe you brought us all together for a reason.
I am taking my niece out next week in an Arnold Clark dual control hire car so she can get cheaper practice driving before she takes her test x she has been out with her mum’s partner but he is an awful driver so will see what he has been teaching her x
Don’t expect too much from yourself over the next week and will check in over the weekend. I’m meeting a friend for a cuppa tomorrow morning before I head up to the Loch as it’s her birthday today so guess the cuppa is on me x
Hi Debbie
Yesterday afternoon was very enjoyable. Seeing a show always helps. Seeing something a bit different next week but will post about it nearer the time.
As for the World Cup this must be the least interested I have ever been for a sporting event. Its messed up the domestic season and is a complete joke being played in Qatar! I know Dad wouldn’t be watching much of it.
Hope all is good with you as much as possible
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Suzanne
Nothing planned at all for the weekend
The show was excellent as I knew it would be . The Prince Edward Theatre is in Soho just up the road from Leicester Square station in Old Compton St. Several school parties there but they were well behaved.
UC have been quite sympathetic and offered me a room next time too which I thought was good of them.
Bit emotional this morning as I had to venture up the High St and was thinking of Mum and all the shops she liked going in and ones now that I struggle to go in. Glad when I got home.
Hope you have a peaceful weekend
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
My horse display can dry in the airing cupboard but the net of red poppies is over 10ft!! We’ll come up with something ingenious
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so got a new air fryer I need to try and then up at the Loch on Saturday x
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