Hi Christine
Just catching up with everyone.
Was telling Debbie and Suzanne how good the show was. Taking photos of the show is not allowed although most shows let you film the curtain calls but I would rather clap than fiddle about with my phone.
Some shows( mainly the Disney ones) are not allowing stage door. I have met the actress playing Mary Poppins before anyway, during the summer at another event.
Quiet weekend for me after being a bit emotional as I had to go up the High St and was thinking of Mum. Feeling more calmer now though.
Will be here for you in a few days for your Mums a anniversary as I am sure everyone else will be.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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The photo above was taken in the summer and it was with ZiZi Strallen who is Mary Poppins in the show and she was performing yesterday!
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Hi Suzanne,
I do believe that life is preset, like the branches of a tree. We can take various routes along the way but I believe we are mapped out, as you have described. It is very strange that we can be so close in friendship and yet have never met. I donāt honestly think I would have made it this far if it wasnāt for my little Porscha and having you all propping me up when Iām not coping. I do try to be kind to myself but its hard when my family (not mam) are all so judgmental of me and of the same opinion. Black sheep, outcast, unconventional, difficult, headstrong, opinionated, controllingā¦ and so the list grows. I ask myself if I would like to have me as a friend and the answer is yes! I am kind, loving, loyal, good hearted, trustworthy, fun (at times!), intelligent, enthusiastic, passionate, very hard working, organised and driven (I consider that to be an asset). I have to create a list just to keep being me. I think a lot of opinion is based on the green-eyed monster and their own insecurities. Mam loved me for just being me. I canāt be someone else. Iām so alone without her. I just want her to come back and see whatās going on since she went away. It still feels like sheās just away and I get a shock when reality kicks in. Waking up is the worst.
Still havenāt heard from any of the family and my niece was too busy today when I texted her yesterday. Donāt know whether sheās avoiding me or just not organised with planning ahead to do anything. When Iām busy, like today in the garden (see pics) Iām ok and bobbing along with what I have in front of me. But when itās raining or the creep is at home and I canāt be in the garden (my comfort zone, it seems) being alone is crushing me and all I can think about is mam. She was my connection to the rest of the family. Without her to keep everyone in line I am excluded. Itās so shocking to me it still takes my breath away, that I can be that hated by my own family. If it was happening to any of you I would be outraged. My sis from up north travelled down for dadās birthday in the summer and didnāt even tell me. She had let it slip in conversation ages ago when she phoned (hasnāt phoned since). If I did that to her sheād be so annoyed and upset. My other sister stays at her friends house on weekends literally round the corner from me. Itās a 5 min walk. Iām lost for words. All the love and generosity I have shown my sister and her children since they were born. How can anyone resent someone that much? I still donāt know why. Itās killing me not knowing why my family have abandoned me without even telling me why.
Hope your niece passes her test. Never heard of an Arnold Clark car. I was going to be called John Clark if I had been the boy dad wanted. Couldnāt have been more of a tomboy if Iād tried.
When Iām in the garden life seems to be ok and makes sense. So hereās what Iāve been up to this afternoon. Finished my potting up before my next batch is collected
Iāve repotted the honey bushes (had to use lights in spaces where compost will become a poop magnet for all the cats)
and all the climbers.
Managed to split the Sweet Williams between the two pots (massive job as root bound and there was a rose in there too).
The very thorny tree is now contained within a structure
and the bamboo (grown form a few small roots) is fabulous.
Anything that might come back in Spring has been potted
and Iāve prepared pots for my plant order but need to get compost.
Doesnāt look a lot of work but my hands are swollen and sore.
I always find baby feathers when Iām in the garden and often see little faces and creatures in things, such as the cat face in the chicken for Porscha.
Going to be sunny again tomorrow, though getting chilly . Hope the creep is out so I can get pots if my niece is at home. Have the car packed for another skip run (having tidied more leaves from the garden) and will have a cheeky swim too as I havenāt been for a couple of days.
Going to be lashing down again Sunday so Iām hoping to make the most of tomorrow. Been working on my mirror decorations but keep having to order more. My white plastic tablecloths havenāt arrived for my angels.
Iām all cosy in bed with the fairy lights and lava lamp on but just canāt enjoy the ambience. I enjoy hard work but not relaxing. Suppose Iāve always been a workaholic. I understand how peeps would hide inside their work in order to not deal with reality. Still need to update my websites with my blogs. Itās a massive hurdle because that was what I was doing when mamā¦
Enjoy the Loch and seeing your friend for her birthday.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
I was just saying to Suzanne how much your friendships mean to me and I really donāt think I would have made it this far without you all. The sadness is so intense when it hits that I canāt make sense of it, of mam not being here. I really donāt know how you face going to the shops when it all reminds you of your mam. Iām lucky that I donāt have that connection as Iāve not lived at home for about 30 years. It was always doing things over there, going to Matalan and the garden centre. I seem to cope when Iām hiding in my garden (see pics posted to Suzanne). Donāt know how Iāll cope when winter sets in and I canāt go out there. Itās a distraction from thinking of mam and not being able to accept sheās gone forever, however hard I try to fool myself into thinking sheās just gone away for a bit and will be back soon. Her absence is just so unforgiving. And to be abandoned and shunned by my whole family now that mam isnāt here is shocking. She made them all better than they are because they were held accountable. I hope mam can see what is happening.
Been doing more mirror decorations and got my xmas cards. Iād love to send you a card. Doing it for everyone. Isnāt it strange that family can turn their backs on me and peeps I have never met show me such kindness and love. Makes me cry! I just canāt make sense of it.
Iām so pleased the job centre are showing you compassion and understanding. I think it is because of who you are, your beautiful qualities, your honesty and fragility. I really do admire how you tackle the hurdles in front of you. The easiest thing would be to give up completely and never get out of bed. My Porsch would scream for her chicken until I was demented if I tried that! Sheās so demanding.
I always love to see you in your pics.
You mentioned the football and as I said before I havenāt a clue! But keeping track of whatās going on will give you something to focus on. I like watching the tennis in the summer, even if itās just on in the background as I sit sewing. Quite hypnotic hearing them batting the ball. I remember practicing against the house doing tennis at school. I miss being sporty. Must try to get a swim in tomorrow if I get to the skip. But if not, then Sunday. Planning a swim breaks up the day and adds to my fitness tally. Still havenāt set up the wifit again. Went as far as popping in new batteries. It is on my list to do. A jog and dance routine on days I donāt swim will make a big difference and create a new routine.
Exhausted again from the garden. Hope the creep buggars off to work tomorrow so I can get more done. Keep posting hun.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Just thought I would pop in and say hello on this Saturday morning. Still taking things one day at a time although as you will know that is hard to do when an anniversary is looming.
Finally had to dispose of Dads flowers this morning but they lasted nearly a month. Will be getting some for Mum soon.
Got some things booked up and some pencilled in to look forward to coming up towards Christmas. If I didnt have theatre and the arts I dont know where I would be now.
I too have a practically non existent family. Have no brothers or sisters but there was a falling out on Dads side and they treated him badly when he became unwell and I have never forgiven them for it. Found out since one of them had died and I found through someone else. Not much family on Mums side as she outlived most of them. My cousin( Mums nephew )is on holiday in Oz and still in contact with him .
Have some good friends and everyone on here is included . As they say you can choose your friends but not your family
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
It is certainly true that family is the cause of so much stress and heartache. I just donāt understand mine. I have been excluded and donāt know why. Thereās a deep resentment towards me. Itās always been there. They wonāt tell me why. I certainly wouldnāt choose them as friends. Mam seemed to keep them in check and so they couldnāt treat me like this without mam pulling them up on it. I just donāt understand why I am so disliked. I am not a horrible person. Nobody has contacted me about mams anniversary. I thought my sister would be putting a huge amount of pressure on me to include myself but thereās been nothing. Youāre so lucky not having siblings. I think itās worse to have them and not get on.
Canāt believe your dads flowers lasted that long! You must have green fingers Neil and the right temperature for them. Have you taken a pic so you can record each anniversary. Iāll try taking pics of my lanterns but it will be dark. I could do it as itās just turning dark. Seems to be pitch black all of a sudden. Iāve had to use my torch in the garden a few times just to get finished.
The creep is at home so I am still in bed as canāt get in the garden like Iād hoped. Will get dressed and get to the skip and have a cheeky swim afterwards at the lido. Itās an effort to get there at the mo but once Iām in the water I feel better. Like you said about your theatre and the arts, if you didnāt have that to help keep you going what would you do other than sit dwelling on the pain? My gardening seems to be a comfort. The hard work tires me out physically and thereās a sense of achievement there, like it was worth getting out of bed. But it still just feels like Iām filling in time. I was saying to my therapist that I donāt see the point in anything now when everything will just die anyway. I wasnāt aware of the reality of death before mam. I had both my Grandmaās die and was very upset but mamās leaving have taken something away I didnāt even know was there, a stability. As they say, ignorance is bliss. The gaping hole that mam filled can never be replaced. I canāt imagine feeling any better than I do now and to live for years like this is torture. I see the world differently. I see people with an expiry date and wonder if they are aware of it too. There must be a world in which people live unaffected and then affected by loss. Itās a fragility we have now. That armour we wore in life has disintegrated. Iām always trying to make sense of what has happened and how I feel. Itās a mammoth task sometimes just to get through the day. I wonder how mam hid it from me when I was little, when her mam left her. Where does the essence of that person go? All the beautiful souls. Where are they now? I hope mam is with her parents in a wonderful garden, eating hot scones like we used to do together. I miss everything about her. Thereās a new JāAdore perfume out for xmas and I would have bought that for her for xmas. I wonder if I should still get it for her and wear it. But it would only make me upset because she wouldnāt be here to wear it herself. Everything I do or think reminds me of her absence. Iām getting upset again.
Soz Neil, the last thing you want is for me to be upsetting you. Iām off to get dressed and get to the skip. Just hope I donāt start crying again.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine and Neil,
Had a busy day today, got to church about 11am and took over on the catch a fish with a magnet stall. I was kept well supplied with tea, bacon bap and pancakes. It was very busy lots of people, a couple of toddlers kept sitting in the paddling pool, luckily there was no water in it. Itās was only 50p a go and a prize every time.
I got a couple of breaks and looked at the other stalls, bought two of my granddaughterās a bracelet each for Christmas and my friend a decorated bottle with fairy lights in.
Our church finished about 4pm, stayed to help clear up, and set up ready for church tomorrow.
Got home about 5pm, quick turn around and went out again to look at the lights and some of the other stalls around the market square that stayed open until 6pm. Saw my daughter with her dog and walked around with her for a while. Didnāt go on any funfair rides. It was a shame it has rained most of the day but it hadnāt put people off coming out, the town was heaving.
We donāt have anyone famous turning on the lights itās our town mayor that does it.
Got home just after six, exhausted but itās been a good day.
Itās always something that Doug and I used to go to together and the family would come back to our house for a takeaway.
If he was still with me I wouldnāt have helped at church, life throws us some strange things at times.
Next week itās our neighbouring town light switch on and my granddaughter is dancing so I will go and watch her.
I love the photos Christine, and Neil, you have made your dadās flowers last really well.
Doug always used to buy me flowers every week, I still do it, I know he would want me too.
Sending love
Debbie xx
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Hi Debbie,
Youāve had such a busy day and did well to get some more xmas pressies in. I love that you continue to buy flowers. Doug would be pleased and although he wasnāt there today as he would normally be he was still with you in your heart. You must be such a valuable member of the church. Donāt know what theyād do without you. Bet the kids had a fab day out, despite the rain. Can just imagine you surrounded by all the children waiting their turn.
I love a market stall, bring and buy, farmers market, Christmas stalls etc. You never know what treasures are awaiting you. I got a fabulous handmade vase from a girl at the skip. Iāll take a pic tomorrow. It was a therapy project, so very ādeepā. She was delighted that I wanted it and I told her Iād take good care of it. Just hope it holds water for flowers! Hope I can scavenge something from the garden tomorrow. Love your bottle fairy lights gift.
Iām not surprised you are exhausted. I think the church will be a sort of haven for you with all its activities, especially when you retire. Wish I could get involved in something but I know the panic attacks would pop up and spoil it. Havenāt been back to church again but plan to nearer xmas when I can enjoy the carols.
Your turning on the lights reminds me of out traditional family visit to the Edwardian night. It wasnāt on during covid and then I think I went with my sister and kids for the last time because mam and dad werenāt up to going. Itās so sad when things end. I always bought fudge and went on the fair and lit candles for my cats.
Had to have a sleep when I got in. Think all the gardening is taking its toll. The creep was at home so I couldnāt get anything done today apart from skip and a swim after.
So pleased you enjoyed your day x
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Debbie
Glad your granddaughter still enjoying her dancing and you must be very proud when you see her perform.
You mentioned about the Christmas lights. Where I live they are rather pitiful. All the budget for lights goes to Bexleyheath as that is the largest shopping centre in the borough.
I remember last year I wasnt going to even put a tree up but I did in Mums memory. Got lots of little decorations that Mum collected over the years so dont know if I can put them up as well.
Quiet weekend for me but have something nice booked for Thursday .
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
I think itās great that you will put the xmas tree up for your mam. I canāt bring myself to do that in the house but will get a tree for the garden. The last one lasted until it started getting warm in March / April. All it needs is a bucket of water. I spotted the trees were there at the park yesterday on the way back from the skip / swim so Iāll wait until the traditional time (mam always told me when to do it).
Sunny today and I had planned to go in the garden but the creep is at home. He had gone out but is back again. I got my plants order so have been sorting it out. Need compost but I think I have a couple of large pots which are full and werenāt planted up so Iāll use that. The pussy willow tree I got was on offer and it reminds me of being little, collecting the furry beasts with mam.
Off for a swim rather than sitting in the house and will try to go Aldi for a few bits if I can on my own. Itās a mammoth task for me so have to see what Iām like after a swim. It will be full of kids so quite a boisterous outing rather than a gentle relaxing one. But it is funny watching the toddlers jumping in
Must dash but will be back later.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Yes Iām am proud of her, sheās looking to go a a dance/ performing arts school in September instead of the sixth form at her school. She has already been offered a place at Brighton uni, but at sixteen, her mum rightly says your to young to move from home.
She has two more auditions coming up in Northampton and Bedford, she hoping to go to Bedford, which will be her favourite choice and easiest as her dad works in the town. She would start her diploma two years early.
This afternoon her dance school is doing a tapathon, part of a UK wide event to break a world record and raise money for a charity.
Enjoy your trip out on Thursday.
Sending love
Debbie.x
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Hi Christine,
Yesterdayās event at the church raised just over Ā£1300, really pleased. It going toward putting in a proper carpark, instead of the rough ground we have any the moment. Itās a bit dicey for the infirm and elderly people to walk on.
Next big project is to finish the upstairs part of the building. We already have lots of outside groups using the building and this would open even more space for the community. My daughter always says, Methodistās know how to put on a good event.
Did you get to swim today and that trip to Aldi. I hope your neighbour goes out so you can get your winter plants out, when they arrive. I love to see your Christmas tree in the garden when you get it decorated.
Sending love I know this is going to be a difficult week for you.
Debbie x
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Hi Debbie,
You must be so very proud of your grand daughter. Sixteen is so young. I remember how rebellious I was having my first boyfriend. He was nineteen and drove a motor bike. Started going out drinking and clubbing. But I still went on to do A levels at school. I suppose they do them at college now. My niece is so lost without being at uni (she deferred). Hope she goes next year and doesnāt throw her life away. My sister gives her no encouragement at all and it was only because I kept pushing her to get the application form and complete that she even bothered, though I didnāt know she had deferred. Donāt think my sister wants either of them to move away. She very clingy. My niece is very quiet and I keep telling her what an adventure it will be. Itās good that your grand daughters dad works in the area when she goes away. Means he can keep an eye on her. My sister up north has a daughter studying Korean and is in Korea now. Canāt understand how her interest in the K Pop thing translates into a career move. Sheās enjoying it anyway. I really wish Iād kept my ballet going. I gave it up when I started enjoying gymnastics and didnāt have the time to do both. It must be so lovely watching her blossom into a real dancer.
Amazed that you raised that much from your event. The carpark will be transformed and will make it more accessible for the regulars. I know the old running joke about the church always needing a new roof but they are such beautiful buildings and wonāt get the funding from the government they need. I hadnāt thought about having cash on me when I went to church. Iāll have to remember next time. Every little helps.
I managed to get to Aldi after a very relaxing swim. Not many in and there was an email about reduced timetable over the winter which is a real shame. Will just have to make the most of it. And Iām amazed at what I got in Aldi. I didnāt have a panic attack and there were lots of peeps in. Iām loving the rhubarb and rose handwas, and wild mulberry (I think). Stocked up on toiletries and cleaning products so if I take my niece next time I can have a look at the xmas stuff. Nice fluffy bed socks but I had just bought some. Might get them next time. The joys of being middle aged!
Sorted my plants but didnāt get a pic as I was in a flap about getting out. Will post tomorrow. Hoping to plant up but itās forecast rain.
Havenāt tested my fabulous jug I rescued from the skip. Hope I can use it but if not it will do for dried flowers.
You must be having a well-earned rest after your busy weekend. Just writing my xmas cards. Hope Neil will join in so I can send him his.
Iām pleased my nephew has a few days off this week so I can have a catch up with him. I mentioned the lanterns but heās working so might do at the weekend. Trying to have a more relaxed approach to it. Very stressed this morning. Will have to play it by ear. I just have to keep busy because if I donāt I go into complete meltdown. Trying not to think about it but canāt escape. When it hits me Iāll be totally broken. Still havenāt heard from anyone about what they are doing. Canāt imagine Iāll be invited. Thought my sister would be putting lots of pressure on me to be there but she hasnāt phoned or texted since I spoke to her weeks ago.
Will be enjoying The Handmaids Tale tonight, though not as good now itās not based in the place.
Think Iāll be getting up in the loft for my winter bed stuff (velour trackies, jumpers and joggers) if I can brave the cold. Winter is here! Itās getting harder now waiting til 6 to pop the heating on for a couple of hours to get the washing dry and warm the house up. So pleased I donāt live in a big house. I can twirl in my kitchen and touch everything!
Not long to go now Debbie for work. Donāt know when colleges break up but I think sooner than most. It must be harder now actually getting out the house for work on a morning. Iām always up early for Porsch but go back to bed with a cuppa to wait for the hot water. It seems my days are filled with little details and routines. But without them Iād be lost. Finding comfort in daily chores is all I have now and anything beyond that is a bonus.
Off for some treats!
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Hope you got to have a good swim . You always seem to be much better in yourself afterwards. Hope you have had a good rest of the day. I know the coming days will be hard for you as the anniversary gets closer. I found something tucked away earlier with Mums writing on and it started me off temporarily . Had another quiet day but havent felt too bad on the whole
Speak again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Christine.
I canāt stop now as Iāve only got 10per cent battery and Iāve just noticed how much Iāve missed on here. Itās like another world has been going on and Iāve missed it. I thought it was just a couple of days and when I look it was 5 days! Thatās what I mean about time, it has a mind of its own.
I canāt nip into my own room to stick the charger on because at 6.15am Zoeās bee barking her head off and trying to escape over the neighbours wall (must be the husky in her) and if I move it may start her off barking again and annoy the neighbours so Iām sat in my brotherās bedroom with her. Itās like being on house arrest. She barks such a lot now in and out of the house. Itās like sheās turned into a delinquent overnight!
Iāll keep writing until my battery gets to a point where I have to sign off so I might end the post abruptly!
The surgery rung me back about my bloods and said my thyroid levels were low but not too low considering Iād not taken them for over a year. Hypothyroidism is one of the conditions the NHS issues the prescriptions free of charge so I know how important they are so Iāll have to be more sensible in future.
I love the pictures and your motivation burst in what youāve been doing recently in the garden. Iām really looking forward to what youāll be doing with the crafty things. The mirrors, the glass window effects etc. Anything that shines, reflects or sparkles and Iām engrossed in it! Iāve been repotting these little shrubs from the council still, a lot are only twigs but still need containers filling with soil etc. They are giving some more away in February but I think Iāll have to pass on that opportunity!
I was thinking about you moreso in last few days as I know itās close to the anniversary day now. It still feels a ātemporaryā situation doesnāt it. Remembering some of the points you wrote in your last post to me I found I really related to what youāve said. Itās got to the point where everything is either a distraction or āavoidanceā too and thatās getting harder to keep up and then I burst into a panic. It must be bad if Iām watching āIām a celebrityā, as I never watched that ever before!
I hope your family are a bit kinder to you over the Christmas period this year as it sounds like you had a horrendous time last year with them not seeming to have a lot of time for you and your Dad having been away at your Sisters. I know itās hardly the same but all being well, we will at least all be here so give a bit of support to each other.
Are you doing anything nice today? I have to go into town which Iām not very keen on but nothing else of any significance, at least not that Iām aware of right now! I canāt even put the bins out yet in case she has another barking session and wakes up the next door neighbour! Being part husky sheās on the verge of starting to howl as well which will be fun (not). Iām dreading getting reported to the council with the amount of barking she does right now.
Well I did manage enough battery to write the post so Iāll have a proper look at the posts again.
So nice to look at your garden pictures.
Much love xx
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Hi Neil.
Love the pictures. What a nice time you seem to have at your shows. The star you met looks so elegant. You look like you are amongst done nice people.
Keep well.
Much love xx
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Hi Suzanne.
I hadnāt remembered that it was the same day but now youāve mentioned it again it rings a bell. I thought it was within a few days. Thatās such a nice gesture to have a tattoo on that day.
Likewise, will be thinking of you on the day too.
Much love xx
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Hi Tina
The days certainly do pass very quickly.
Just a quick hello to everyone as Iām on my way out to do the shopping early. Then doing the regular check of my finances . Hope to be back on later and will tell you the plans that I have for an outing this week . With the anniversary coming up I have to put things in place to keep my mind positive, however hard it is.
Will check in later
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
I would love to find something of mamās hidden away but I know it wonāt happen because I didnāt live with her. It must be both a comfort and a constant reminder of her absence to remain in the space where she lived. I can only imagine how lost you must feel to have cared for her and now not have that role to play. I was devastated when dad just wanted all her things out the house so he could make it his own. He couldnāt wait for the place to be his. I donāt understand where he would do that and not take comfort in having her around him.
I do feel better for having my half hour swim. I got an email saying they were reducing the hours over winter so I hope I can continue. Everyday was too much but every other day was good. I have my bike on days I canāt go, in between the rain! My niece is either too busy or canāt be arsed to go with me now even though I had taken out another membership for her because she wanted to go. Iāve cancelled it and if she wants to go Iāll go but Iāve given up trying with her. I still need to set up the wifit so I can have a jog and a dance routine on days I donāt go swimming too. Iāve been saying that since before mam. It will happen. I just need to do it.
Hoping the rain stays away long enough to get some planting done today. Iāve set my new plants out in their pots waiting for me. Having tasks sets out my day and urges me to achieve them. I have a battle against time again, hoping to get everything done before xmas, including the trellises and posts. I thought my niece would help me but she wonāt.
Itās strange that Iām not reacting like I thought I would in the run up to mamās day. The date is Friday but she passed on a Thurdsay, the day I was born (the nursery rhyme, āThursdayās child works hard for a livingā). I might do my lanterns on Thursday evening because my nephew is off work and can join in. I donāt see much of him because he works so hard. I could look at the xmas trees too in the park (but wait until the traditional date).
I can hear Porsch snoring in her nest of blankets and wool cardies after having her breakfast and popping out in the garden for a wee. Sheās very old now and mostly sleeps or just sits peacefully until she wants me. Iāve been thinking about being a foster mam for cats until they are placed with a new family. Will give me some comfort when Porsch leaves me, though I can only imagine how devastated I will be. Sheās my baby.
I got my mirrored hangings finished and just need to drill a hole and add ribbon. Wondering how long the mirrors will stay on though outside. It was a huge task and Iām surprised its finished.
Hope your day is as pain free as can be. I avoid the shops and donāt have the tv on during the day to avoid being bombarded with xmas ads. I think Iām on auto pilot. Iām just waiting for the crying to begin. I know itās there. Iām still thinking of that woman in the car that looked and smiled like mam. Bringi8ng tears to my eyes now.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Tina,
Always lovely to see you here. Zoe is such hard work. My sister had a husky and she was so chilled out so I donāt know what all the barking is about. She might be in season? I remember she would always lean on me, trap me in the corner to stop me leaving when she knew it was time. Such a beautiful soul. She loved a treat at the pet shop and would hurry home to enjoy it. I donāt think environmental health can do anything about a dog barking if the neighbours reported you. I think itās only if a dog is not being treated well. The creeps mate has very yappy dogs and it annoys me only because she comes out with them every time I open my kitchen door and go in the garden. Otherwise the dogs wouldnāt bother me at all. Itās just their nature. Theyāre being who they are. Itās the woman I canāt stand because sheās his mate despite what heās done. He is very quiet since the cameras have gone up. And I heard a comment that what I have been saying must be true and that Iām getting evidence. As long as it remains a deterrent Iām happy. Canāt imagine him doing anything because he knows Iāll report him. Can you imagine the shame of everyone knowing what heās done? I also heard something about him underestimating me. I really need to clean my windows and move the camera up so I have a better view, just to annoy him and make it more clear to all what I am doing.
I was just saying to Neil about my swimming pool reducing the opening times. I had heard about leisure centres being affected by the living crisis but was a bit shocked when I got the email. Will have to start going out on my bike and get the wifit set up so I can start jogging. Iāve noticed my swimming costume is less snug so I must be toning up a little bit. The main reason I keep going is to give some structure to my week and it breaks up the day. My niece has stopped going though. She always has an excuse and Iām tired now of trying with her.
I got my mirrored wood hangings finished. Just need to drill a hole and add ribbon. It was a huge project and Iām surprised itās come to an end. Theyāll look fab hung up, glittering in the light next to the xmas tree. My themes are recycling, old and new, eternal light and living in reality. As an artist I create something and then apply my explanations (working backwards). Will wait until I get my xmas tree and hang them up. My plastic tablecloths got lost in the post so I have to reorder and cross my fingers that they arrive. Itās for my angels, to cut out like mam did when I was little, to dress the tree like the children had made at the church, smiling faces in the trees lining the path. Mam would have loved them. I can still see them carrying her coffin into the church and I wondered if she was really in there. I was chatting with her in my head and she was telling me it was ok. I canāt think of the funeral without crying. I havenāt posted to her tribute site in a while. I wanted to every week but it was just so upsetting. I have her chinese lanterns to do for her anniversary. I hope my niece and nephew will join me. Can only imagine how heartbreaking it will be. Itās like I have it (the upset) on hold for now. I hope it doesnāt rain or I wonāt be able to do it. I didnāt even think about having to check the weather.
I havenāt heard from anyone (dad or sisters) about mams anniversary. My sister up north had said she would be coming down for it but didnāt say what would be happening and just that I should be there. I had said I didnāt know if I would be able to because Iād be too upset. Havenāt heard from her since. And dad hasnāt bothered with me since cutting me off before Easter (still donāt know why). And my other sister stays with her friend on a weekend literally round the corner from my house and has never contacted me since ignoring me in Feb so she has made it very clear she wants nothing to do with me. I still donāt know why. Mam obviously kept them all in check and I didnāt know I was so disliked. So I will obviously be spending xmas alone again. I have been rejected by my family just for being me. They cannot even tolerate me now that mam is not here. Sheād be devastated to see how they have been treating me. I just donāt understand it. They know I battle constantly with my agoraphobia and panic. And yet I still try everyday to get out the house and not give in. Unkindness doesnāt even cover it. They are cruel. I couldnāt imagine ignoring someone knowing the devastating effect that would have on them. I just donāt understand it. What do they get out of doing this to me? I have not done anything to deserve this. I just didnāt see it coming. I am completely alone now that mam has gone away. I feel abandoned, like a child. Really do not know how I would have made it this far without you all to support me. Makes it even more shocking that my family have treated me like this.
I was telling Neil about the woman who smiled at me in the car when I let her infront in traffic. I burst out crying. She looked just like mam when she was much younger and happy. It took my breath away. We all have a twin in the world, an alternative universe. Maybe thatās it. She was reaching out to say sheās happy where she is now. She had a couple of kids in the car. I hope sheās happy wherever she is. Iām absolutely sobbing now. I knew it was coming, on hold. I just miss her so much. I still canāt believe itās true. Like you said, everything is just filling in time to get through the day, a distraction from the outpouring of grieving because we have lost the most precious person in our lives. I didnāt know mam was only temporary. I really couldnāt imagine her not being here. I thought she was forever. My brain just couldnāt imagine living without her.
I find it incredible how I keep picking myself up and getting on during the day. Like today. Iām hoping to pot on some of my new plants. The gardenās soaking so it wonāt be much fun dragging the tubs of compost down the garden. But if I donāt do it Iāll just be sitting crying for mam. I can here the rain again. Iām in my bedroom with the curtains still drawn. If I canāt get in the garden Iāll go for a swim and get some socks from Aldi. Hope theyāre still there. Fluffy bed socks I can wear in the house. I also want to get some nice biscuits for the boys at the skip to thank them for always helping me and just because theyāve always been kind to me. I really canāt understand why my family hate me so much. It baffles me. I have never turned on them and been spiteful. Theyāre far from perfect. I think theyād hate me if I was perfect. So I canāt win.
I think you should see what they council are giving away in Feb. You never know what treasures await you. I still need to take a pic of my fabulous hand made vase I rescued at the skip. It leaked when I tried it so Iāll have to use it for a fake plant. I adore it.
Please take your thyroid meds. It must be a serious condition to give free medication. You donāt know what other conditions could arise from it. I got my appt. through for hematology for the high ferritin levels (iron being stored in the blood). Itās a mystery why itās so high.
Think Iāll get dressed and book a swim and get my socks and biscuits from Aldi. Iām on a roll at the mo. Did a shop without a panic yester, having relied on Amazon delivery and then Asda for such a long time. Itās like my emotional capacity is overwhelmed by grief and I donāt have the extra for being anxious. I am still anxious but it didnāt escalate into absolute panic. Iām sure my family think I donāt try to get better. They donāt understand the condition and think that what they think is right and that I should get on medication and get a new therapist. Mam was so pleased because she saw the difference in me when I started my therapy years ago. The more pressure on me the more incapacitated I become. My family are ignorant and wonāt educate themselves but have a huge opinion with lots to say about it. Imagine a zombie apocalypse. That is what I am facing when I venture out into the world. Iād like to see them try it, just once.
Started on my xmas cards for you all. Hope Neil joins in. I wouldnāt have bothered doing cards if it wasnāt for our little gang. You all mean such a lot to me. I canāt even express it. Mam would be chuffed that I have found friendship and loving support here. Sheād be relieved that Iām not completely isolated like I was.
Hope you keep popping in so you can see my updates on the garden and my xmas tree when I get it.
How is that awful brother of yours? Still just thinking of himself? It baffles me that some of us are so deeply traumatised and others not affected. Donāt think my sister has even cried for mam. She said she was free now. I didnāt dare ask what she meant. She takes after my dad - selfish. This thing with my family will haunt me forever because I just donāt understand what is going on. Anyway, I really must crack on and get out of bed. Be thinking of you. x
Lots of love xxx
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