Hi Neil,
What is your anniversary date? Sorry, I get so overwhelmed and caught up in my own that I’m not always on track with what is happening for everyone else. I don’t want to not be here for you. Just need a reminder.
I’ve found keeping busy and having my days booked up in advance (even if it is just swimming and doing the garden) really does help to steer me through the day. Like you say, anticipation is harder than the actual day itself and then there is the relief afterwards. I’m just feeling empty and unless triggered I’m not reacting yet. Just hope I can do my lanterns because of all this rain.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi everyone,
I can see you are all busy but I just wanted to update you on my random trip to the woods. I had a swim and then bits in Aldi (quite amazed at myself tbh) and thought about popping to the woods (Trent Country park) and didn’t but then did! I thought why not. I’ll only be sitting in bed watching a movie because it’s absolutely chucking it down. So pleased I went. Doing something the first time is the hardest so I’ve really achieved something today. Just walked through the woods getting drenched but it was lovely because I used to go there when my sisters children were small and with the dogs. Mam came too sometimes. It’s a bit of a workout, so a bonus, and next time I go I’ll take my camera. Found a fabulous mushroom hiding under a leaf so I’ll look out for him next time. I’m going to mix it up a bit for winter with swim, woods and parks, some walking and some with the bike. Got a few funny looks because I had no dog with me but a bunch of friendly oldies were happy I said hello to them (dogs, not people). I was able to chat to mam out loud because there was no one around. Just telling her how much I miss her and would do anything to have her return to me, and if not to me then just to the world. Makes me wonder how many people I see are just filling in time, dealing with grief. I used to think it would be freeing to not go out to work but it’s so lonely. And after all that I forgot my fluffy socks in Aldi!
Going to settle down to a film. Need to get in the loft and get my winter stuff down. I’ve been wearing jumpers in bed. It will be freezing up there.
Porsch was waiting patiently for her chicken when I got back. She’s not used to me being out for very long. The house is so cold.
Bye for now xxx
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That’s a great amount considering the current economy - well done to you all!
Beki x
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Well done to you Christine, going out your comfort zone to go for a walk and speaking to people. Such a big step, and I’m sure Aldi with still have you fluffy socks next time you go in.
I’m not surprised you forgot them.
Debbie x
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Thank you Beki xx
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Hi Christine
So pleased for you on going on your walk. It was a big step for you . Very well done !
My plans have had to alter. Was going with a friend and neighbour to see a classical concert and possibly an art gallery on Thursday but the performers in the concert cant get over to London as there are problems with their passports due to Brexit. Never had that before. So might do something else. Have got something booked the day after Mums anniversary.
Pouring down and windy here most of the day.
Have a peaceful evening and well done once again.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
That’s such a shame about the concert. Hope you can organise a replacement. Really pleased that were have peeps to go with. My walk in the woods was a real spur of the minute thing. I enjoyed it but it did make me feel very alone. Who goes for a walk without a dog in the woods in the rain? I do like the rain but was drenched!
Just been catching up with The Crown. So sad that Charles and Camilla didn’t just marry when they got together. Not sure if you’ve seen it but I was very struck by the bit with the family being together with a united front and Charles being the one left out.
Creep is lurking outside. He goes out for a fag and I could smell it in my house when I was watching tv. He must have been outside my window or door. How else would I smell smoke in my sitting room? I even checked the bedroom where I’d had the lava lamp on but it wasn’t that. I’m so careful with fire. When he had been in my house through the loft he’d burnt my wallpaper. Makes me wonder if he’s an arsonist. Unsettling.
Pouring here too but it’s supposed to get out nice tomorrow. Not sure what I’m doing after therapy. Usually go for a swim. Will decide tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Debbie,
I find if I can make a decision quickly then I can do it. Not many out in the rain so it was an easy walk. Haven’t been there for a long time. Planning on taking my bike as there’s a good road through the woods.
I was just telling Neil about the creep lurking outside having a fag. I could smell smoke in my sitting room. He must have been just outside my window or door. Even with the cameras he’s creeping about. Very unsettling. Hope he doesn’t plan on burning my house down while I’m sleeping. He burned my wallpaper when he got in through the loft / ceiling hatch. It’s like something out of a creepy horror film.
Will take my camera on my next walk to post pics.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
You ok today?
I’m just visualising your hanging mirrored decorations. I’m looking forward to your pictures.
I’m like you in a way. If I plan to do something I kind of lose momentum a bit and it doesn’t get done or I don’t carry the plans through if it’s somewhere I have said I’ll go. So I end up looking an idiot! One day last week I decided I wanted to look at the new Home Bargains store on the local retail park so set of walking about 7.15am. I’d walked about 4 and a bit miles all in all! We have a big park I could do a walk through but I think I’d be a bit scared on my own walking through the woods. Its like you say if you’ve not got a dog with you then you get funny looks and I couldn’t take Zoe with me as she’s too strong willed now. You want to do it again if it gave you some enjoyment. If you haven’t got a dog to take it’s no-ones business but your own. Shame about the baths not staying open as long now. Maybe it’s getting to that time when people would rather not take their clothes off!
It’s so sad to read about your siblings not treating you right. Most people have a conscience and in time will come to recognise their behaviour as hurtful and then have regrets. It might not happen this week or next, but it will, and it won’t be a nice feeling. Yourself on the other hand won’t have to deal with that feeling as it’s been you doing the favours for them etc. I know it’s no consolation to you but you’ve been trying your best with your niece and stuff. I try not to say the wrong thing with my Brother as it sparks all sorts. One of his female mates fell out with him for a “condescending” remark and his girl/lady friend has just ended it because he’s telling her what to do so I’m not imagining things when I say he’s doing stuff to me. Mum used to say it’s what families do, argue. That’s true but it’s different when it gets to eroding someone’s self-worth. I don’t know if you have TikTok but it’s full of speculation over the state of Prince Harry and Williams relationship. I don’t give it much credit but if there are rifts it goes to show no one is immune to family discord. It’s all sad isn’t it. I’m having trouble at the moment tidying up after him, it’s relentless. He’s changed some car parts on the front drive last week and it looks a right sh*t-tip so I’m gonna have to sort it. It would make Mum sad to see that. It’s like you mention, it’s as if they don’t really care it was once their Mum’s space.
It’s very dull today, no sun around so it will be dark soon. At least the blinds can go down and shut some heat in!
The guys at the tip will be thankful of the biscuits you are taking them. They sound a friendly helpful bunch.
Well I’ll go and check on Zoe as she’s gone quiet, which is a sign she’s done something she shouldn’t!
Speak shortly, xx
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Hi Christine
Not too disappointed about my concert , at least I didnt pay out on train fare , got to the venue then was cancelled!
The creep needs his head looked at. No way is that normal behaviour.
Oh by the way Mums anniversary is next Wed 30th. I saw in one of your posts that you were asking the date.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Christine,
Nothing better than a nice walk in the woods and I never have a dog lol x
I just take my camera as no one looks twice at anyone taking photos lol x also when I’m doing my sett walks I take a random dog lead and that way if anyone sees me or looks dodgy I just look like someone looking for their dog 
x
Creep has to know you have cameras up by now so is either totally stupid or thinks he is above the law but the cameras are up so will be taping anything he does so you will have the proof you need 
x
Weather up here is chilly and foggy tonight and I have had to relent and put the heating on overnight (will turn off again in the morning when not in) cause the pets get cold too overnight so have to think of them x I’ll worry about the bill in January as I refuse to come home and freeze lol x put the converter part of the living room heater on about an hour ago just to take the chill out of the room and the dust that came pouring out of it was like something out of a sitcom 
x
Have to work all weekend this week as boss is still off but get a day off midweek so will break the week up nicely x not up at the Loch again until 10th Dec so will be something to look forward to x
Hope you get your swim after your therapist session but would totally understand if you choose not to go lol x
Going to feed Cal now as he’s hovering so love to you and Porscha and will chat soon 
x
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Hi Neil,
So glad you found out it was cancelled as you said before you had invested money in a train ticket. Did you say when it had been rescheduled to?
How are you doing today? x has today been ok for you?
Are you watching the World Cup at all? Just seems an odd place to hold it with all the heat, human rights abuse etc and even though they say there’s no alcohol to be drunk I’ve seen a lot of footage of drunk people lol x. All I know is that it interferes with my tv x
Just been told one of best friends at work who I’ve worked with for like 15+ years is handing in her notice and going to work with my niece in another dog grooming business. Told her I was gutted for me lol but knew it was coming and that I was happy for her. I am genuinely happy she has decided to do this as her health isn’t the best and this way she will be self employed so can do what she wants and potentially earn more too. Customer service giving in to a customer moaning and undermining her was the last straw and I’m close to looking elsewhere myself x
Anyway on a hopefully more upbeat note when is it you have your next UC meeting again? x
Do you have any plans for next Wednesday? If I or anyone of us can do anything for you to help you get through it or celebrate your mum’s life then please let us know 
x
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Hi Suzanne
Not too disappointed by the cancellation of the concert as my ticket was a free one. Wigmore Hall is one of the venues I most want to visit so will hopefully get there sometime in the near future.
Havent decided whether I will go anywhere else on Thursday but have something booked for the day after Mums anniversary .
More train strikes announced but thankfully doesnt clash with any of my plans
Been watching bits and pieces of the World Cup and saw most of the England game yesterday.
Next UC appt next Tuesday morning.
Thank you for your kind words of support as always, and to all the lovely people on this forum
Speak again soon.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Tina,
Up early again with Porscha for her chicken. I wanted to get more potted plants from my sister’s garden today as my niece is at home but it’s chucking it down. It’s wondering whether to just do it in the rain so I have the pots because I need the compost for the bulbs or to wait again but then it’s just delaying getting it done as my niece is never at home. It’s only when I say I will leave her alone that she is suddenly available. She wants to go swimming later on so I’ll do that too. Take the opportunity whenever it comes up. Wondering when the rain will stop so I can crack on with the garden. Always feel better out there. I had wondered about getting a potting up shed or greenhouse but the cost is unbelievable. And it would take up a chunk of garden so I haven’t bothered.
It’s so cold on a night now I’m thinking of stuffing the open fireplace with a duvet. Not sure I’m allowed to use the fire. Be nice and cosy though.
Got upset again at therapy chatting about mam and the vast emptiness she has left behind. He has other clients who have said the same. Everything I do has no value. I enjoy the garden but it is short lived. There’s no real sense of fulfilment. Creating my textiles holds no joy. He doesn’t get that mam leaving has created a huge instability, like the foundation of my life has been whipped away and I’m left feeling lost. He says to enjoy things I enjoyed before mam left, that weren’t attached to her. That mam didn’t shape my life, I did. I can’t let go of her. It’s too painful. How do you do that? It’s all just filling in time until I join her.
I’ll take my camera to the woods next time. It’s good losing myself for a little while when I can just be and not think. And it’s a good workout. Don’t know how many miles. You must be fit to walk to the shops like that. It seems I stopped walking when I started driving, apart from pounding the pavement shopping in London when I was younger.
Hope the rain stays away Thursday. My nephew is free to join me in doing lanterns for mam. Hope the rain stays away but if not I’ll just have to wait. Will get her some flowers.
I really do feel for you with your brother and having to tidy up after him. I think if you didn’t he’d just leave the mess and wouldn’t see it. I’ve reached a stage now where I just have to accept I’m no longer part of the family and stop trying to make sense of how they behave towards me. I have to accept that I am alone in the world. I’ve never felt so isolated. I doubt they will ever regret how they have behaved towards me because they don’t see me as one of them.
Got my winter clothes out the loft yesterday and put summer pj’s away. Love the traditions of seasonal change. I’m now fully dressed when I go to bed!
Still haven’t drilled my mirror hangings. Wondering if the mirrors will all drop off if I put them outside. Was such a lot of work. Will get my tree for 1 Dec so now I have a date I can aim to get finished with getting the rest of the pots by then. Will post pics when I can get out there between showers.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Thanks for reminding me of your mams anniversary. I might have to wait to do my lanterns. Looks like the rain isn’t going to stop. I’ll have to play it by ear. But I will get some flowers for mam and make her a special card. Will be painful digging through all the photos.
I was explaining to Tina about getting upset in therapy again, explaining that gaping hole that can never be filled, feeling empty and can never imagine letting mam go and being able to ‘move on’. How do people accept what has happened just because it’s a natural process? If I didn’t love her like I do I’m sure it would be easier but she is so precious to me that I can’t imagine letting her go. Everything that I enjoyed is meaningless now. I don’t see the point in dragging myself through the day just to do it all again the next. How do I let go? What’s the point of filling up my days when it’s never going to change how I feel? It’s relentless and nothing I do can make it better. Mam will never come back. I can’t understand how my sister has never cried for mam and doesn’t seem to be affected by losing her.
It’s a shame about your concert but I’m pleased you have something else booked. Just hope the train strikes don’t interfere with your plans. How are you feeling about your anniversary/. It’s strange for me because I thought I’d be totally overwhelmed but I’m not. It’s just the same relentless unhappiness that I’ve had since she left. Can’t predict how I’ll be on the day. It’s like I’m not really present. I’m here but aware that I’m observing myself. It’s a coping thing, I presume. Like Tina said, time is not the same as it was. We live in a different realm now, a world beyond what we knew before.
I’m really looking forward to going back to the woods. It was comforting, walking in the rain. I’ll make it a regular thing in my week now. It’s more than a fitness thing. I can see why peeps enjoy walking their dogs. It’s like a secret world of peacefulness. It was nice seeing the dogs scampering about, like little children. I’ll see if my niece wants to take the dog out there, though she’s so busy (doing nothing) that I’ll not hold my breath. We’re going swimming this afternoon because her boyfriend is going to work. Don’t know why she hasn’t been fitting in swimming around him not being there all this time. But I’ll just enjoy it when it happens.
Hope to get more potted plants over if the rain eases a bit. Pouring down. Will take pics of my new plants whenever I get the opportunity.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzanne,
Just saying to Neil I’m really looking forward to the woods again, especially in the rain. There’s something very peaceful about walking and being free to not think if I can. I’ll see if my niece wants to go with with her dog. We’re going swimming this afternoon and I’ll try to get the car loaded with pots before that unless pouring down, which it is now.
You’re brave having your heating on all night. I saw on the forecast it was going to be -3 somewhere. It’s bloody freezing in the sitting room watching tv on a night because of the open fireplace. Think I’ll stuff an old duvet up there. Not sure if I’m allowed to actually use the fire for burning logs? Might ask the council. They must have to sweep the chimney. Would certainly help with the cost of heating over winter. I can just imagine your heater pumping out dust.
It’s a shame you have a break from going up the Loch. Will you go anywhere instead? I’ve been watching The Crown again and love seeing the natural landscape when they go to stay in Scotland and go out riding. Such an idyllic lifestyle. Got up to where Charles has just met Diana when he was going out with her sister. Very incestuous, going out with both sisters. Just seems wrong to me. Really like Charles. He’s such a sensitive soul. Mam was always telling me how good it was and that I’d enjoy it. Wish I’d watched it when she was here so I could have chatted about it with her. She liked the Royal family.
Got very upset again in therapy, explaining the emptiness and trying to make sense of it. My therapist tells me to just stop and let it all go. How do I do that? If it was easy nobody would be affected by grief. Or have a little cry and then move on with life? I’m stuck in my grief. I don’t enjoy being like this, hoping I don’t wake up because I’m so tired of being so alone and wanting mam. It’s a relentless struggle to keep fighting to fill up the day so I can get to evening. I’ll get my textiles down from the loft, my replacement for the garden when I can’t get out there. I created work so it’s ready to sew. I’ll sit by the window looking out onto the garden like I used to do before mam left. Can’t imagine it will bring me any comfort. Sewing is repetitive, filling in time. But what else will I do over winter?
I have mams anniversary in 2 days and it feels very unreal. I’ll do the lanterns if it doesn’t rain. And if it does I’ll do them when I can, alone probably. There’s an absence, like I’m not really present. Thought I’d be a complete wreck but I’ve gone the other way, totally empty. Nothing I do will bring her back so I’m going through the motions of doing lanterns and I’ll get her some flowers and make a card from old photos. Wish I had a grave to go to so I could visit her and sit and chat or just cry. I was chatting to her walking in the woods, telling her I much I miss her and would do anything to have her come back to me. I know it’s never going to happen. My desperation is on a loop. Once it starts it runs it’s course. I know it’s not going to make a difference. But I can’t stop it. I’m so unhappy without her.
That’s a shame about your mate. Could you not join them? Maybe set up your own business together? Not the greatest time for leaving a job with all that is going on. She must have really needed to walk away. Sometimes we reach a point and anything can be the reason, however small. Awful that management doesn’t back it’s workers. She’ll be a loss, I’m sure. Hope it works out for them both.
Off to get dressed now. I can see Tina has popped up but if I don’t make a move now I’ll never get out of bed. See if the rain is easing off so I can get some pots before swimming.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil
Sorry you didn’t get to see the concert, like you say not paying out on the train fare was something. Hope there is something nice in the pipeline for you.
Have a good day today - despite all this rubbishy rain
Much love xx
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Hi Christine
I’ve been thinking of you last few days and how you are feeling. I totally get when you say that many things seem meaningless now and I agree. Grief just does something to us and changes us forever.
Not feeling so bad as I usually do on a Wednesday as its raining today and wouldn’t have taken Mum out in the wheelchair in bad weather. It’s worse when its sunny for me on a Wednesday!
2022 I’m treating as a year of grieving and trying to make sense of what happened and 2023 I’m hoping will be a year of some sort of recovery. Hoping to be able to move forward in some way next year but as we know grief is not like that with all the ups and downs day to day.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Tina
Yes not to worry I have other things lined up starting from next week which I made sure I booked with the first anniversary coming up . Not booked anything for the day but the day after so if I’m not feeling good I know I have something to look forward to.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hello again Christine
I’m sorry to say I don’t hold out much hope of the rain stopping anytime soon. It’s a shame having stuff in your mind to do and then the weather goes against you. Maybe we are due a drier spell soon. One of the worst things is drying the clothes after washing. As disgusting as it sounds I don’t go through too many clothes with not having to go out much. Once I’m at home in my scruffy clothes they don’t need washing until every few days as no one will see me! It’s different though with his uniform and it’s all heavy duty stuff I have to do.
Porscha sounds like she’s got you wrapped around her little finger! They know how to get what they want don’t they. At the moment with it being so wet and cold Zoe doesn’t wanna go out to wee, just stands there as though she wants the garden bringing inside the house so as not to get rained on!
I can understand how you feel about the desolation. I know I’m not physically alone, and so have to be grateful but the void often descends and it’s just so debilitating isn’t it. I was walking home from the shops the other day, it was semi dark and I could just feel the tears coming out. I can understand why you say your Mam was your foundation. It’s like an anchor that’s not there now and there’s nothing to be tethered to. Your siblings will still have partners/children to focus on and will be oblivious to how it feels to someone that isn’t in that situation. It’s all building up as well considering the time frame to the anniversary.
I hope your mirrored tags stand up to the harsh weather, should do if you’ve got a fairly sheltered position for them. They’ll look really nice.
Wish I could make the garden look nice but it’s just not possible to even keep it straight. Zoe has found a spot of soil to dig in behind he shed then brings herself into the house and shakes her muddy fur all over the walls. Sometimes it feels like being in a farmyard!
It’s lightening up a bit so I’m gonna have a drink and see if I can nip to Asda. That’s a coffee not an alcoholic drink!
Hope you get to go in garden and will check in later!
Much love xx
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