This is a picture of one of my sparkly sun catchers hanging on the porch. It’s been there for nearly year. I would either have done a new one or beautyfied it up a bit but can’t be bothered. The metal fittings are rusted too. The mirror and bits are only stuck on with kids white glue and it’s been bashed to bits and all sorts in the wind and rain so yours should do ok.
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Hi Neil,
I totally agree about something in us changing with grief. I don’t know how it couldn’t affect us deeply. Having a positive mindset for 2023 is a great idea. I’ll try to give it a go too, despite the setbacks which will pop up. Being immersed in grief for a whole year and then starting a ‘recovery’ is a good way to see the future. You’ve already given me a ‘lift’. I get what you mean about the sun making our worst days seem more unbearable. There’s certainly some comfort in the rain, and comfort in returning to a position where you wouldn’t have taken mam out in her chair. Mam had a wheelchair but didn’t trust anyone enough to push her and not have control. Always made me laugh but I now see things differently. She must have been scared by not having control. Dad certainly didn’t listen to her and disregarded what she said a lot of the time. I just wish she’d had a more peaceful life. She was happy but they were always fighting and dad wanted his own way, like a child, all the time. I’m haunted by not being able to make her life calmer. She was a very still person. I wish I could have just a little bit of that stillness.
I was quite upset that it would rain and I wouldn’t get to do my lanterns but I’m now more relaxed and playing it by ear. I can hear mam saying I can do it anytime and it doesn’t matter. I’ll get her pretty flowers too and make a card. Still can’t believe it’s a year. How have any of us got through this trauma? Like I said, some people seem so unaffected by what has happened.
I’m going to collect some pots now. It’s brightened up and very sunny so an opportunity I can’t pass up. Hope your Wed passes with ease. I know how bad the bad days are and all we can do is get through it knowing it will be a little easier the next day. Keeping busy helps. I’ve already stripped and remade the bed, got my winter coats and duvet out the loft and put summer things away. I love my loft space now it’s carpeted. Someone said it’s like a den. It is! Must dash.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Tina,
Your sparkly hanging is beautiful and getting rusted up only adds to the charm. Gives me hope that mine will be ok in the weather. Is it wood or metal boards? You could do a new one as a xmas pressie for your mam, even if the garden is a mud bath at the mo. I can imagine Zoe out there, digging for gold, bringing in the garden with her. I loved your description of bringing the garden inside because of the rain. That would drive ne mad, cleaning up all the time. Porsch is very neat apart from her litter tray. She loves scattering all the wood pellets around the floor. Such a drama queen. She is very spoilt. Sometimes I get woken up at 4 am with her screaming for her chicken and I have to be very firm and tell her no. I use my annoyed voice. I have to pretend to fall asleep before she gives up but then is back again before 7.30 when the alarm goes off. At least I’ getting out of bed and starting the day early.
You mentioned about the washing and drying. It’s a routine I enjoy and think I’d be lost without it. I wear more clothes for bed than during the day! I’m always filthy off the garden so you can imagine the load I get through. I have ocd and can’t wear something more than once. I’ve tried, even just sitting in the house and if I haven’t worn it for very long. If I didn’t pop the heating on I wouldn’t get anything dried. But there’s nothing more satisfying than putting clean clothes away. I love the idea of being a gypsy, travelling around in a camper van, roaming the countryside and being free but my reality is so far removed from my dream life just on a practical level. It is strange though that I can be covered in mud and it not bother me.
I managed to collect a big batch of potted plants and go for a swim with my niece and have a McD’s in the car afterwards as a treat. Timed it just right for the sun. Had a good day, though she wouldn’t help me with the pots back to mine. I had to unload the car and the creep was at home but he didn’t come out. I noticed the bench I wanted has rotted and wonder whether putting in a new plynth like Dad would have is worth it. It’s so sad seeing it in that state. But I do have another bench. Might have another look and see if I can do something with it.
I’ve managed, at last, to organise my lanterns for Sunday so that my niece and nephew can join me. It seems that my family aren’t all chatting and being together like I thought. My sis is too ill to come down for the anniversary, my dad doesn’t visit my other sister and so she is on her own. I learned that my dad admitted he lied and that he hasn’t been phoning me like he told my sis up north. Don’t know why he would lie in the first place saying he had phoned when I have a call history to know he hasn’t. Seems he goes to the pub every day to meet his mate. The family have disintegrated and nobody is connected to anyone else. My sisters don’t chat like they used to. But like you say, having family to focus on is very far away from sitting alone at home as I do with nobody to reach out to. My niece doesn’t want to move away but my sister is determined. It’s a real mess. My mam would be amazed at her position of power within the family. We all revolved around mam and without her there is no real connection to each other. I feel better that they are all not together like I thought, as a united front against me. Still doesn’t help with the emptiness. It’s strange that I’m not more upset. I thought I’d be unable to function by now. I’m like a robot on auto pilot. I’m waiting for the darkness to descend. Maybe’s I’ve cried so much that I have nothing left. I don’t believe that. I’m waiting for it to hit me and knock me off my feet.
I wondered if you had been back to the grave again? I know how hard that is for you. I just wonder if having a place to go to to sit with your mam is easier than not having. I still have all the fairies and bits to do around the pond. It’s on my to do list because of the rain. My plan is to put the bench there so I can sit and be with the fairyfolk, close to mam because she believed. I might buy her a fairy for xmas to add to the collection. I can’t bring myself to do anything for xmas apart from the tree in the garden. I might hang my mirrors over the pond. Be pretty, sparkling above the water and I’m going to rehouse the fish from my sister’s garden so it will keep the birds away. I discovered more rocks too to rescue.
Did you get to Asda? I know what an effort everything is but the sense of achievement afterwards makes it worthwhile. Not sure what I’ll do tomorrow. Now I have more pots I’d like to get stuck in emptying them and mixing the compost for repotting. The rain is just relentless at the mo. Might go to the woods again. My niece is busy tomorrow so whatever I do it will be on my own.
Going to see what’s on tv and will check in later.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi everyone,
Just thought I’d pop in before I have a hot bath after coming in from the garden. I was still out potting up in the dark and rain. But I got my new plants potted and emptied the pots I brought over the other day and repotted what I could rescue. Also repotted the geraniums into bigger pots for winter. I’m surprised I got everything done. It was too dark to take pics so I’ll have to try between showers.
Before I even started I discovered where the creep stands at the front of house. He’s cut away part of his hedge so he can get closer to my house. See the gap he’s cut? Unbelievable! This will be why I could smell his fag the other night. How creepier can he be.
I’m going to have to reposition my camera so it’s at his face height and closer to where he stands.
He’s my fabulous vase I recued at the skip. Such a clever girl. It does leak so I can only have it for decoration.
It’s been such a strange day. Today was mams last day a year ago. 52 weeks. She left us at 2.50 in the morning tomorrow. So that is the anniversary date. I keep waiting for a reaction but it still isn’t happening. I got upset this morning seeing today marked in the diary. I thought keeping busy would be better than just sitting waiting and it has been sunny so I took the opportunity to do the garden bits. I couldn’t get both niece and nephew together today or tomorrow to do the lanterns so we’ll do it Sunday. I will make a card for mam using a fave pic of when we went to the park together for the eclipse. Just us together. And I’ll get some pretty flowers tomorrow and have a swim if I can. That’s if I don’t fall apart. It’s so odd not reacting like I thought I would. I keep thinking she’s away again and I’m waiting for her to come back and then realise again that she isn’t and I’m just left sitting like a robot wondering how this can happen. I don’t know whether it’s shock, delaying my reaction? I don’t understand what is happening. It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. I understood when I couldn’t function and was totally falling apart. That made sense. But this doesn’t. I’m waiting to react and it’s not happening. I’m not sobbing like I should be. What is wrong me?
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Hi Neil,
I think this is a great way to think of the new year and will borrow your idea x
Glad you have a something organised for the day after the anniversary and you are wise to have left the actual day free incase you don’t feel up to it. I was daft and booked a tattoo appointment for that day so will just have to ‘man up’ as the saying goes. My friend Wendy’s coming with me so at least I’ll have someone to make me laugh x
Did you say that your friend is coming to be with you that day? x
I am sick of the World Cup…when does it end lol? It is taking over all the mainstream channels 
x
Hope you are having a good few days 
x
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Hi Christine,
Sending a big hug 
for tomorrow. There is nothing wrong with you, we all react differently to the first anniversary. The card and flowers are a lovely way to think of your mum, and I’m sure she with see your lanterns when you release them on Sunday.
On Doug’s first anniversary the family all met together for a meal, toasted his memory and I gave all my children a framed family tree picture that I had made.
Your neighbour is really trying his best to get caught on camera with cutting a hole in the hedge, he’s definitely not right in the head.
I love your unusual vase, it will look nice with dried flowers in, will you dry them yourself or buy some.
Just take the day slowly tomorrow, don’t give yourself expectations of what you think you should be feeling.
Sending love and thinking for you.
Debbie xx
Hi Christine,
Yeah I won’t be able to volunteer any other days unfortunately as I’m either working or the centre is closed due to winter hours.
Hope you got swimming despite the cold weather x
I turn the heating in about 9pm and then it’s off about 6.30am…not leaving it on all the time as can’t afford it like many others x
Just also wanted to send you my blessings for tomorrow and will check in on you 
xx
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Hello Christine
I wanted to drop you a line before tomorrow to say I am and will be thinking of you. Somehow you’ll get through the anniversary. I hope it brings all your family a bit closer to one another. Try not to dwell on the fact you aren’t sobbing your heart out because not all tears are visible. The silent tears you shed within are just as meaningful. Maybe waiting to react is a sub-conscious method of self-preservation. We are only human, we have limits to our resilience and maybe it’s our mind’s way of protecting ourselves. I often used to liken it as that saying “a rabbit caught in the headlights”, you just freeze because you simply don’t know what direction you are facing now. I’ve been having more days where memories/triggers/flashbacks are becoming more prominent and I’m forever trying to push back the reality but it’s just chasing me relentlessly. I do things to block stuff out but it’s all avoidance and it’s not healthy but I can’t help it. To sit with painful feelings would just send me out of control. I seem to be avoiding everything and sometimes just even seeing the subject titles of new posts here on the wider forum fills me with fear. Sorry if I’ve gone on a bit there.
Just picking up what I read earlier about you having OCD. Mum had debilitating OCD for 40years and it must be difficult for you as I know what Mum went through. I believe it’s borne out of anxiety. I was a teenager before it became apparent to me and I’d been “enabling” Mums OCD without knowing. It never went away. It was quite multi-faceted with Mum and we were all affected. It’s a cruel condition isnt it. I’m an untidy little beggar, disorganized and haphazard in my approach to order so if I were ever to develop OCD it would have nothing to do with a neatness or order!
Is the cold getting to you? Last night I ended up going to bed early with 2 hot water bottles, double layer of duvets and 2 or 3 layers of clothes. I didn’t feel well though, bad headache, sore throat and cough. It’s worn off as the day has gone on so hopefully it’s just one of those things. It’s strange because I keep wanting to say to Mum how cold it is and then when I can’t just wonder what to do with the thought. It just all seems unreal. Like it’s happened to someone else.
No I haven’t been back to the Churchyard since September when it was Mums birthday. I feel bad about that that. Sometimes I fail to make the connection that Mum is actually there and not elsewhere. The mind can be so contradictory sometimes. Also we haven’t been able to sort an up to date headstone with mums name on as I don’t know what the churchyard fees are and I’ve sent about 5 emails to the vicar asking if he has any info but haven’t had any replies. No one seems bothered about anything these days.
On a lighter note I loved your quirky vase. I often think of the sheer amount of stuff people must just discard for the sake of it, it is true what the say about one trash is another’s treasure, or words to that effect. I have kind of made a bit of a vow to myself though to try and not accumulate so much stuff. Mum was a hoarder and she couldn’t appreciate the meaningful stuff because of all the “trash”. Although it’s not trash at all to hoarders, there’s a potential use for everything!
I don’t envy all the plant shifting you’ve been doing. There is nothing worse than wet soil to lug around! The benefit though is that you’ll be glad you did once spring comes round again. As far away as that seems at the moment.
I can’t get over that gap your neighbour has made at the side of your garden wall Christine. Did your camera pick him up doing it? You may have said but if I go back and check your post I may lose my message I’m writing as thats happened a few times! What a worry he must be but the cameras should be putting him off to some extent.
I haven’t really anything exciting or uplifting to write about sadly. Not even anything remotely amusing. Yes I did get to Asda but everytime it’s a case of anxiety over what has gone up in price. I cant believe it’s now £1.00 for a bag of sugar and the £1.00 milk I used to buy is £1.65. Makes you wonder where it will all end doesn’t it.
At least I’ve managed to take my medication for 3 days in a row. Probably because she wants to do bloods again in 6 weeks and I’ll have no excuses then to have not been taking them properly!
I’m going to sign off now as I’m gonna fill 2 more hot water bottles and go to bed. I’m obviously cold-blooded!!
I can understand your emotions will be absolutely shot at tomorrow but just hold on and we will all be here. I know we aren’t family but we like a little “family” in a sense.
Thinking of you and much love xx
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Hi Debbie,
What a beautiful way to celebrate Doug’s anniversary. I always meant to update the embroidered family tree for mam. Was going to do it for her 80th but never even got it started. Having a photo family tree is really lovely and something for your children to treasure. I created the photo albums for the wake and then the online tribute site.
I made my card with mams photo and got upset but it’s like I’m still waiting to be hit with the overwhelming devastation like I thought I would. I’ve cried so much since mam left it feels like there’s nothing left. I’m hoping to buy flowers tomorrow but will see how I am when I wake up. Just feels so unreal. I knew the day would come and now it’s here nothing is happening. Nobody has got in touch with me. My sister isn’t coming down now. Dad admitted to her he lied about phoning me. Don’t know what is going on there. My other sister doesn’t want anything to do with me and wasn’t invited to the anniversary meal which isn’t happening now. It’s all just a mess. Mam would be so upset at the state of the family. Nobody seems to be doing anything for her. I might try to go to the park on my own, even to do one lantern and the rest on Sunday. Mam always made sure we felt special. I have to do that for her. I can’t do nothing. She’d be so very hurt. I’m upset now but the tears won’t come out. I feel so exhausted. The emptiness is worse than balling my eyes out.
Will pop in tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzanne,
It’s the strangest feelings, to not feel like I thought I would. I’m still waiting to be hit with the reality. I’ll see how I am when I wake up, if I sleep. Have your card ready for in the morning.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Tina,
I’ve been dreading the anniversary and now it’s here I’m at a loss as to why I’m not reacting like I thought I would. It’s not because I don’t love mam. I would gladly trade places with her, as you know. I’m so exhausted with wanting her to come back and knowing she never will, to tell her I love her more than I can ever put into words. So whatever I do for mam won’t make a difference. Everyone was supposed to be getting together to celebrate her life. But my sister isn’t coming down now and the meal that I knew nothing about didn’t include my other sister either (the one who ignores me). So it seems nobody is bothered about my lovely mam. I have to do something for her, even if I do one lantern on my own because my niece and nephew aren’t available tomorrow. I’ll have to go to the park in the dark. Mam always made a fuss and remembered and organised everything. Why isn’t anyone doing that for her? I thought there’d be so much pressure on me to join in and I wouldn’t have been able to go. But there is just nothing. I can’t believe how little they think of her, unless I don’t know what is really going on. I’ve given up trying with my family. It seems we aren’t connected to each other at all. We have disintegrated without mam. I have to let her know how loved she is.
I wonder if mam will reach out on her special day. I really have no concept of the year that has gone by. It feels like she left yesterday. That’s how vivid it is. But then it feels really far away, like a dream, where time doesn’t exist, and mam is just away somewhere and I get confused about when she’ll come back. And then I remember again. I’m so worn out with trying to pretend it’s not happened.
I can totally understand that you can’t accept your mam is at the churchyard. Don’t feel bad about it. I know guilt plays vicious tricks on us. I thought I would feel close to mam in church but it wasn’t how I thought it would be. If I felt close to her there I’d go every day. It’s like I’m searching for some kind of stillness, or peace. Don’t think I’ll ever find it, apart from joining her, wherever that is. Like my therapist says, many people in the world believe in another life beyond this. I hope to catch up with her soon. I don’t think I can keep doing this for years. It’s too hard. Every time I find a white feather in the garden I think it’s mam reaching out to me. And then I tell myself it’s just a feather. But my little robin was back again today, saying hello. I just want to hear from her, just once, and then I’ll be able to stop this battle with myself.
I’m really surprised you’ve not had a reply to your email. Maybe try googling for more info on your church or a telephone number.
I’ve been wondering about popping into a charity shop just because I used to do that for little treasures with xmas but it’s pointless because I won’t be celebrating or buying gifts. It’s like I’m sleepwalking, in a daze. I’ll have a thought but then realise there’s no point.
I was pleased with my garden jobs today. Like you said, when Spring comes round I’ll have done all the hard work and can enjoy seeing the planting come into flower. Need to get compost and start planting my bulbs. Have a couple more pots to collect and some bits but just one trip I think to finish it. It’s been a mammoth task but I’m coming to the end. I wonder what I’ll do after it’s all finished for winter. Probably feel very lost.
I think you should invest in an electric blanket. My grandma had one because she was always freezing and she’d pop it on for us when we stayed over. It was really toasty. I have my hot water bottle ready but I’m enjoying my winter duvet and mattress topper. And I go to bed fully dressed!
I discovered that gap in the hedge after smelling the smoke the other night and wondering if I could see anything. I don’t know when he cut it so I can’t trawl through the camera’s. It’s such a faff. But now I have discovered it if I hear his door during the night I’ll know where he is to see if he’s on camera for evidence. He is one creepy buggar! It’s very unnerving because I don’t know what he is capable of and what his intention is. So if I never come back on here ever again you’ll know something has happened to me. It will be him.
I’m pleased you’re taking your meds! Wish I was near you so we could pop in for a cuppa, go for a walk, maybe’s a swim, watch a movie. You’re right, we are like ‘family’. Loving and supportive, kind and caring. Puts my real family to shame. Did I tell you my dad admitted to my sis up north that he lied when he told her he had been phoning and leaving me messages. Why would he do that when it’s so easy to get caught out? But then she doesn’t believe whatever I say and thinks dad can do no wrong. Would have loved to be a fly on the wall for that conversation. Wonder if that’s why she’s not coming down? Might try texting her tomorrow and see how she is. Hope to get some flowers tomorrow.
I remember the quiet of the hospital. We were all nodding off. We didn’t know mam would leave us soon. It feels like I’m reliving that moment. I wish I could go back to that time and tell mam everything I want to tell her now. She didn’t want to leave us. She clung on as much as she could. I can still see her gasping her last breaths. I can’t bear to think of her like that. To think of any of it.
Will pop in tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Just to let you know I’m thinking of you and sending you a really big hug for today on your Mum’s anniversary.
Hope you can get through the day the best that you can . Please know that we are all here for you.
Will catch up later to see how you are
Sending lots of love and best wishes
Neil xx
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Morning Christine x
Just to let you know I’m (like us all) are thinking of you today and like Tina said not all grief is tears and howling so take it how it comes today.
Whatever you do or feel today is exactly where you are meant to be today.
Lots of love xx
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Hi Debbie,
Thank you. I found it hard getting out of bed but I’m up and the sun is shining for mam. She’d be in the garden today so that’s what I’ll do if I can. I want to get her flowers today so might try to do a swim and then Sainsbury’s is just across from there and I can do the self serve checkout. Flowers are just inside so it will be quick.
My blog is out for mam today. Here’s a link: Creating A Shrine Installation (mrxstitch.com)
Glad that I did it for her to celebrate her day. Starting to get upset now but it like a quiet (that’s out of character for me) inner sadness. I think I know I can’t change what has happened and so the pleading and begging has stopped. I’m just left with the reality of being without her.
Love my mam more than anything in this world. I hope she knows that. I hope she is watching. I hope when she sees I’m not sobbing it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving her. I think I’ve cried so much there’s not many tears left.
Here’s my lovely mam. We were doing the eclispe together. It was before she retired and they moved, when I still lived at home. She was always happy and loved life. I miss her so much.
Will pop back later.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Thank you so much. You’ll see from my post to Debbie I’m upset but not sobbing like I imagined I would. I’ve had a whole year of sobbing for mam. I hope if she sees me she’ll know I’m just worn out and haven’t stopped loving her. I made her card from the pic of us at the park doing the eclipse. It was a nice day, just the two of us. It was at the park I’ll do her lanterns in on Sunday. I’m hoping to get her some flowers and a proper card today. It might help if I go swimming first as it’s relaxing. It’s a beautiful sunny day for her. She’d be in the garden today, getting it prepared for winter. I might try to do that this morning but I got up late after doing a lot yesterday. I thought it would be raining.
I was pleased to see my shrine blog out for her today. Here’s a link. Creating A Shrine Installation (mrxstitch.com)
I did it ages ago and it was hard to create but I’m pleased it marks her anniversary.
Will pop back later with my flowers.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzanne,
Thank you so very much for my card. It’s beautiful and your words mean so much to me. I find it very strange that I’m not ‘howling’ like I have been this year. It’s not like me to be quiet. I’m very expressive of whatever I’m feeling. So this is unnerving and I hope if Mam sees me that she doesn’t think I’m ‘moving on’ because I’m not. I know nothing will change and bring her back so there’s no point in trying to negotiate. I love her with everything I am.
I’m pleased to see my blog for her today. It’s my way of celebrating her life. I hope she is in a beautiful garden, bathed in sunshine and light, with her mam and dad, surrounded by all the cats we’ve ever known. She’d be happy, with a cup of tea and scone, with some of her hand made jam from the garden. She’s probably on her swing chair in the old garden, rocking back and forth, in the shade of the old holly tree. I wish I was there with her. I hope to be soon. Life is so hard and she made it ok. I just want my mam.
Here’s a link to the blog Creating A Shrine Installation (mrxstitch.com)
Will pop back later. Lots of love xxx
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Hello everyone,
Just been posting pics for mam on her tribute site. So very upsetting but feel better for doing something for her. It was pics of the old garden, because that is how I think of her. It is how she spent her time. We gardened together. It was a hive of activity all year round. I miss not being able to visit the old house, sit in the space we shared. It is my happy place where we spent time together. So many years filled with love. I find it so upsetting thinking of the things that make me happy because she isn’t here. But hope to find comfort in returning to them in time. Hope I can start posting to mam more regularly on the tribute site from now on. I feel close to her when I do that.
Still haven’t budged from my bed. Will get up now and go for a swim and get mam some flowers. That hole inside of me is so enormous I can’t imagine anything filling it up. All I can do is try to keep doing stuff to get through the day xxx
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Hi everyone,
I went for a swim after I’d been posting cards and flowers and pics of the old garden on mams tribute site. Texted my sis. She has asthma after having covid so that’s why she’s not down but she didn’t reply to any of my messages apart from to tell me that. Not sure if she’s at work or at home. Maybe’s she’s too upset.
I managed to get to Sainsbury’s (it’s like I’m in a trance but have a banging headache and sore eyes from this morning). Got some lovely flowers (chrysanths, freesias (her fave) and the stripy ones we had in the old garden) and a lovely vase (half price) and very lovely card about a fairy lake fir tree (very apt with mams love of fairies and all things magical).
So I’ve had a good day all things considered until I spotted the creep behind me on the way home. It’s only because the car behind went off that I spotted him. He waited 10 mins until he arrived back and then made a big scene, banging about in the back of his van so I could hear him. So if I accuse him of following me none of the neighbours will be witness to him arriving behind me. Is it coincidence or has he followed me to swimming and then round the supermarket? I’ve spotted him too many times for it all to be coincidence. I really didn’t want to be thinking of him today. I was relieved that he wasn’t home when I left. Makes me wonder when he’s at home if he waits and then follows me in traffic.
I’m completely shattered now. Just having a coffee and will photograph mams flowers and do her card. Hope I can keep them as long as you do Neil but I doubt it! My house is always dark with the blinds down. I’ll have to keep them in the kitchen I think. Just heard a ladder and thought it was the creep creeping about. It was a man across the road in red trousers. Thought it was Santa!
Here’s mam’s flowers. I keep seeing and hearing adverts about face cream and it reminds me of her because it was always on her xmas list of ideas. Makes me so sad.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Tina, I see you there. Just making another cuppa and will pop back x
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