I thought I’d drop you a line to see how you have been whilst everything is quiet here at the moment.
Sounds like you have had some nice quietness which has let you have some reflecting time. Sorry to hear you didn’t all come together but sometimes everyone will feel more comfortable doing things in their own way to honour loved ones. You’ve done loads to honour your Mum today Christine. You can go to bed knowing you will have done her proud. I’m looking forward to seeing your work and will have a look at them later. If I look now and all chaos breaks out here I’ll not have enough time to write my post!
It’s really sunny here so put the washer on right early and put them out. He’s not on shift for a few days and said did I want to go with him to park to take Zoe for a walk. I agreed to go just for the exercise but he decided to go through two woods, which were more like bogs to be honest. I was petrified of landing on my backside as he wanted to keep taking the steep shortcuts. I’ve got lots of padding on my backside so wouldn’t feel a fall but I don’t fancy a broken hip. So there I was covered in mud and having to walk home looking like I’d been paddling in all sorts. Then of course it’s housework catch up and I’ve just brought the washing in. It’s getting a sorry state when you get excited when it stops raining long enough to put washing out.
Did you say you was planning on going to the park in the dark? I wouldn’t chance it Christine. Things aren’t as safe as they used to. It’s all a bit of a risk. Where did you get upto with the mirrors?
I hope you are managing to get through the rest of the day ok. I hope the swim went ok too. That took guts to go out there when your upset and I hope you’ve come home with some lovely flowers.
I hope to check in later.
Look after yourself for the rest of the evening. (I think I’ll be looking into an electric blanket)!
Hi Tina,
You’ll see when you catch up on my posts I got some lovely flowers and a beautiful little card which mam would have loved because it’s a photograph of a miniature fir set in a Fairy Lake. She loved fairies. I might get her one for xmas. It will be the only thing I buy as I can’t celebrate without her.
My eyes are killing me and I’ve got such a banging head. I’ve stopped caring whether peeps notice the state I’m in when I’m out. I did get very upset posting to mam on her tribute site this morning. Haven’t heard from my sister. Maybe she was upset by my text. Haven’t heard from anyone today. It’s as if mams anniversary isn’t happening. But I’m pleased with what I’ve done. Didn’t know whether I’d be able to leave the house. I feel a sense of relief now. Looking forward to doing my lanterns Sunday. Just hope the rain stays away. You’re not the only one getting excited when the sun comes out! I wanted to do a bit more in the garden when I got back but the creep is back to his old tricks. Seems he followed me back home. It can’t all be coincidence. It’s only because the car behind me turned off that I noticed he was there. It makes me wonder if he’s watching me swimming because the windows are huge and peeps stand outside because of the open field. I’ll have to be more vigilant from now on. Maybe’s he’s always been doing this. I just don’t know. Wish he had left me alone for just today.
Your trip to the woods sounds wonderful! I wasn’t prepared for the mudbath either when I went the other day. I had to wash my boots in the bath and they still haven’t dried. I need new wellies. My old ones were turned into planters. Bet Zoe loved it! Think I might go there tomorrow if the weather holds. I’m tempted to take a lantern but it’s a bit tricky on my own with holding and lighting it at the same time. Best wait until Sunday I think. I could have done one today after my swim but hadn’t thought of it in the house. Don’t think I will go alone in the dark. Nobody would know what happened to me.
I’ve finished my mirrors but still need to drill my holes. Might do that tomorrow so they’re ready for hanging. I thought I’d do them for the xmas tree but they are very big. Might look nice hanging over the big pond. Hope they twirl with the wind as I’ve done both sides. If the creep goes out I might do that tomorrow. Need to organise lots of fairies from mam’s old fairy dell and all my little nephews bits and bobs from his garden. It will be nice to get that done. That’s a plan! It gets dark so quickly now. I’m always surprised by the time. But it’s so frustrating when I have such a lot still to do.
Might watch a bit of The Crown and relax. I’m quite exhausted. Think the buildup of mams anniversary has caught up with me. I’ve been dreading it and now it’s here it’s bearable. I have been upset but not uncontrollably sobbing like I thought I would be, like I have been doing throughout this year. Time is such a strange creature now. It has no relation to how time used to be. I have to focus on just getting through the day and can reflect on what I’ve achieved at the end of the week. I ordered a full page diary for next year so I can jot down everything I do. I’m always running out of space. But when I finish my gardening jobs I wonder what I will have left to do. Oh, I’ve just remembered I took pics of my new plants I potted up. Did it before my swim to catch the sun. So here they are: My very twiggy pussy willow and repotted geraniums (hope they survive the winter for Spring).
I have some large pots to bring over, hopefully Sunday and some more bits. Might still bring the old bench and replace the rotten plinth if I can. I will also rehouse the fish in the big pond but need to create a protective barrier from the cats. It will be nice when its all done. I thought I’d create the fairy dell at the top of the garden by the shed gate but I think the pond is more accessible and I can see it from the window. Mam would be chuffed that I’m doing it for her. She loved her fairy dell. I’ll try to recreate it around my pond.
Just realised how freezing it is! I always try to wait until 6pm but it’s getting harder now it’s coming in dark earlier. It’s hard to guage what to wear when the suns out during the day. Anyway, hope to see you later if brother and Zoe gives you 5 minutes to yourself!
Lots of love and thank you for saying I’ve done mam proud. Means a lot! xxx
Hi Christine
Just checking in to see how you are and agree with Tina you have certainly done your Mum proud on what is a very difficult day. I think it’s the build up to the day rather than the day itself as I’ve found out with special days like birthdays through the year.
Hope your evening can be as peaceful as can be . I’m certain your Mum is watching over you even more so today.
Will check in tomorrow and catch up on everyone’s posts
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
I agree with you about the build up and dread rather than the day itself. I’ve had a good day and feel quite pleased with what I’ve achieved even though I have to wait to do the lanterns. Don’t think my flowers will last as long as yours but I was very pleased to see mam fave fuscias. And I’ve just been looking at fairies for her xmas box, even though I won’t be celebrating.
I’m in bed now playing cards with more clothes on than I was wearing during the day! It’s freezing. Think winter has certainly arrived.
Hope to get out in the garden tomorrow and organise all the bits around the pond. Will be a big job if I get that finished. No rain forecast so I hope the creep buggars off. Will have to check from now on if he follows me when I go out.
Hope mam is watching over me and sees how much she is adored. I do feel a sense of peace now. Wondering what everyone else has done for her as I’ve not heard from anyone, apart from my sisters reply to my text saying she has asthma after having covid and that’s why she can’t come down. She might just be making it up and seeing dad without wanting to see anyone else. I’m not bothered anymore. She did that in the summer and didn’t even tell me she was coming down. Looking forward to doing the lanterns. Mam will enjoy them. Will take pics if it’s light enough.
I felt much better after posting pics and messages for mam on her tribute site, even though it is really upsetting. I’ll try to check in with her there once a week so it becomes a regular thing and I’m not crying when I see her smiling face. It’s so incredibly sad that we have to lose our most precious loved ones. It doesn’t make sense. But I think I’ve come to accept she’s not coming back and whatever I do won’t make a difference. I suppose I feel a bit lighter now. The pressure is off trying to get her to come back, even though I know it would never be possible. And I’m keeping in mind your perspective on recovery for next year. Really don’t know how I’ve got through this year without mam. I certainly couldn’t have done it without you all here. You mean a great deal to me. Like Tina says, we’re a ‘family’ of sorts. I like that. Thank you all for your kindness and support.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine,
You’ve done you mum proud today, I see you have some Alstroemeria in your flowers, I love those, we had a spray of them on top of our wedding cake.
I looked at your tribute site, is that you as a little girl with your mum in the garden, you look very cute. The shrine has certainly changed over the last year, it shows your love and devotion to your mum, she would be proud of you.
I’m praying the weather stays fine for you on Sunday when you release your lanterns with your niece and nephew.
Tina is right going to the park after dark is not a good idea.
Sending love
Debbie x
Hi @christine51 I wanted to pop in and give you a big virtual hug for today. As you say the time leading up to these days are often worse than the day itself and it looks like you have done her proud and been able to remember her with so much love. She’d be so proud of you.
I did it - I got on a train on my own on Wednesday and made it up north to stay with Granddad. Have seen some of mums cousins and her old workmate. It’s been very busy but very nice.
Granddad is driving me home tomorrow. I will be glad to get home as my eldest cat Peggy hasn’t been very well whilst I have been away. She is older and frail now anyway and I think the house has gotten to cold so I got my neighbour who is looking after them to put the heating on and leave it on (my boiler is also frail and the timer isn’t working, dont think the thermostat is very happy either), I am in credit with the gas company so dont care what it costs - not when its Peggy!! As long as the boiler doesn’t totally give up the ghost!
We will pop to Granddads favourite supermarket on the way home and I will buy Peggy all the treats and fresh beef (I’ll get beans for me!)
I hope you can have a gentle evening. Our lovely Mums are with us in our hearts and looking over us, I am quite certain.
I don’t know what a honey-bush is but I’m intrigued and going to Google it! All your plants in a row are just astounding. If only time could be measured in gardening terms it would be an astronomical amount you’d spent on them. When my Husband used to sun-lounge in the garden I’d forever be moving my plant containers around. You know what in all those years I can’t really say everything was just “so”. I’d move them around here and some there and then one would be needing weeded, then the other. Gardening is never a done job is it.
I see creep has been upto his antics by what you’ve said. I wouldn’t think you need worry about him watching you from outside the swimming baths. Even if they don’t have tinted windows his presence wouldn’t go unnoticed and the Police would probably be called in no time if they thought there was someone watching, for the sake of the children.
You are probably tired out now and can imagine a brew and a bit of TV is a well earned rest. Your photos were great as well, thanks for showing us.
Feeling it after my walk today. 5 miles was a lot for me. The mean beggar said we were only going through the park! I am, however totally excited to come back and find the washing dry. That was a win!
Not much else going on here. Did I mention I had been trying to enter a few competitions and won a two day spa break in a Southport Spa Hotel - but I don’t want to go and probably won’t. I’m a funny thing!
At least you managed to get by today and have had some brilliant achievements. Hope you have a calm night tonight and some quality sleep!
Hi Debbie,
Thank you Debbie, and for telling me the name of those flowers. They were always a favourite. I’m feeling very worn out after today but quite peaceful, which is a new one for me. Mam would be chuffed that I did my shrine blog for her. It took ages to do and was very upsetting. I had to keep forcing myself to go back to it. That is me with mam in the pic. We were on hols somewhere. I hated having to share mam with my sister who is 2 years younger. Very jel ! Wish I still had that white blond hair. It’s brown now. Mam was always very stylish, not that I ever knew it then. I think I’ll get myself a laminating machine so I can update the memory tags. They capture the essence of mam with all the things she loved to do, her music, expressions, hobbies etc. I wish I could have shared the things I have created for her. I hope she can sense that it’s all for her. I updated the tribute site with pics of the old garden. I was going to get a projector for her for xmas and photograph all the old slides so it would be easier for her to enjoy. She would have liked looking at all the old pics. I should have made more time but I was always faced with so many jobs. If only we could edit the past, return to it like the pics on a computer. My therapist tells me I can’t perfect the past and I make it harder for myself to let mam go so I can feel close to her again. I like Neils idea of recovery next year, after drowning in grief and trying to make sense of it this last year. It feels unreal that a year has gone by without her. I don’t know I have done it. Concentrating on one day at a time, otherwise I become overwhelmed. But I’ve started being more relaxed and less panicky if I’m not in complete control. Like the lanterns. Having to wait was really hard because I wanted to do them on her anniversary day. But I’m ok with Sunday and looking forward to doing it rather than dreading it. I won’t go alone in the dark. My niece and nephew will join me.
I’ll continue to add cards and things to the shrine, tweak it throughout the year. Dad didn’t take mams ashes to her parents’ grave like she wanted. I was going to have a little bit of her for my egg so she’ll always be with me. But if it doesn’t happen that’s ok too because she’s all around me. I want to believe that. I’m still waiting for her to let me know she’s with me. I’d stop searching for her then.
Thank you for checking in on me. I’ve been so desperate at times but I’m feeling much better now. I’ve had a change in perspective. Hope it lasts.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Beki,
Well done you! That is massive. So pleased. I know how hard that was for you. I managed Sainsbury’s without a panic. Think when I’m overwhelmed with mam I have no room for anxiety. You’ll be exhausted when you get back. I hope Peggy is ok. She could be fretting because you’re away. I would totally do the same with the heating and pamper with treats. I’ve never thought of beef for Porsch. She lives on chicken. Anything else and she gets the poops.
Thank you for my hug! You have all been so very kind and loving. Apart from a reply text from my sister explaining she has asthma, I’ve not heard from any of my family. It’s so bizarre. Mam isn’t here and so nobody bothers to celebrate her life on her special day, or if they are doing nobody else is doing it with them. Why is my family totally dysfunctional without mam?
I hope mam can see how much I love and miss her. She’s so precious to me. I’ll do her lanterns on Sunday but hope she can see I’ve done everything else on her special day. I felt closer to her when I was posting pics of the old garden on her tribute site. It was so upsetting but the more I did the better I felt, remembering how we used to garden together and pick the fruit for her jam, munch on freshly baked scones in the summer sitting in the shade under the holly tree. Those memories are so precious. It’s how mam spent her time. She nurtured and loved her garden and I helped her to do that. And although it makes me sad, and I always cry I feel happy too. I miss her so very much. I’ll never get used to not having her here. If she could just let me know she’s happy where she is and that I don’t have to worry about her, I’d be able to stop searching for her. I need to know that she knows how loved she is because I could never say it. That’s why if she could see the shrine she’d know.
I’m so tired now. Night hun.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Tina,
Zoe is such a sweetheart! Wonder what she’s thinking with that twinkle in her eye. Sure she’s planning some mischief! Porsch has just been in wanting me to get back in the kitchen, even though I’ve just been in there. Total attention seeker! It’s every time I get into bed.
I really am tired now and reckon I’ll have a solid sleep. Hope to get some bits done in the garden. Don’t know where my parents got the honey bushes from but they are lovely with a heavy scent as you waft past them. Great for topiary too. Seeing all the potted plants makes me imagine all the watering I’ll have to be doing in the hot summer. I’ll be on constant water watch. Imagine if there was a hosepipe ban. When the garden was getting hard for them my parents transferred plants into pots to make it easier. Will have to get some of those water crystals which retain moisture. I still have all the bulbs to do and had collected a lot of seeds. Might not get it all done this year but I’ll try. Be nice to have a rest from it all. Hope to start my sewing when the garden is ‘finished’. Like you say, it is never done!
I might go back to the woods tomorrow if the creep is at home. Will play it by ear. You are certainly fitter than me with your 5 miles.
You are a lucky girl with your spa win. It would be such a shame not to indulge yourself. Could you go with your sister? I know she’s very self-absorbed (to put it politely) but better that than not to go. Hope you try. Imagine it as a film, like I do with my therapy. It dilutes the anxiety. Mind you, I couldn’t imagine doing that myself either. What a treat!
It feels strange that today is done now. I feel calm, relieved and able to look forward. It’s not been at all like I imagined it to be. I wish mam would let me know she’s here and knows how loved she is. I hope the rest of the family have done something to acknowledge her special day. I am speechless at how they misbehave.
I feel so happy to have all the love and support you have all shown me. I think that is why I have managed to get through today. I’ve never had such beautiful friendships. I feel truly blessed!
Night hun.
Lots of love xxx
Just thought I’d check in, see how things are today. Even with the hours shown at the side of the posts people have made I still get thrown by just what time they’d been made!
It’s bitterly cold yet again, unless it’s me and I’m simply cold blooded. I haven’t been to the shops today at all which is probably a good thing as I’m eating too much of the “treat” stuff and not enough of the substantial, sensible stuff.
Sorry about your Sister having Asthma. I have an Asthma history too, it’s quite scary. What matters most is that you have done some things for your Mum and I get the sense that you are content with what you’ve managed.
I think in that picture Zoe had just got back from the long walk. I’d tucked her up in her doggy blanket so she’d not be cold whilst I felt freezing but that sounds like what most pet owners are like! Gonna have to put heating on more often. It’s not that we can’t afford it but just begrudge getting ripped off like we all are with this energy malarkey. Still, we had a water meter fitted and it’s offsetting it a bit! Goodness knows what will happen when the plants need watering with a meter. Hadn’t thought that through!
I’m just gonna wash up whilst Zoe is quiet and may get back later, hope the day us being kind to you.
Hi Tina,
I have been utterly exhausted today and had to sleep again when I got up. But I made it into the garden as it wasn’t raining and got quite a bit done in the time (only about 3 hours). It turned dark so I’ll have to take pics tomorrow. Creep arrived without me hearing him. I could smell the cigarette smoke. Just knowing he had been there lurking was enough to make me have a panic. And his mate next to him always comes out with her dogs whatever time I venture out. I only notice because it’s so obvious. But they went in when I put the fountains off so I could hear them. After the creep following me back yesterday I’m wondering what else he’s doing and is there in my head. And when I was checking to see when he arrived back home after following me (5 mins) I discovered it was him up the ladder across the road at the anti-social woman’s house, putting up her fairy lights. I’m surrounded by wierdo’s of one sort or another with me being the odd one out. But I’m pleased with my jobs today. Will post in the morning.
I am pleased too with what I did for mam. Couldn’t have done more and will do the lanterns tomorrow for her. I seemed to have arrived at some sort of acceptance that she isn’t here and won’t come back or call on me. I’m resigned to a lifetime of waiting to join her now, filling in time as I have been doing. I just think I can’t keep punishing myself because she’s gone and I can’t change things. My therapist said something about me not accepting things if they don’t go according to my plan. I suppose I feel very defeated. Nothing I can do will change things and I’m exhausted trying.
Still haven’t heard from any of my family so don’t know what or if they did anything for mam. Will catch up with my niece tomorrow to see if there’s any news.
You did make me laugh with all the treats. Reminds me that I need to replace the chocolate biscuits I bought for the skip boys. Demolished 2 boxes. So easy to munch when watching tv. I’ve decided I’ll get an xmas ready meal dinner and a pud and some chocs for xmas day. I don’t even know if I ate anything last xmas because I didn’t get anything in. It will be miserable but I can have something to eat. I’m just going through the motions of thinking about it, like I’m not really here. Time has whizzed by in the last year but is so slow today. I feel very stressed when the creep has been watching me in the garden.
Bet your brother doesn’t allow you to water the garden in summer. You’ll be on a ration and he’ll check it when he gets in from work. I’m dreading watering all those pots. Still have to sort out the bulbs, old and new, and get compost for planting up. I put the old big fishtank at the front of house. Can’t get it in the car myself as it’s too heavy (for the skip) but I’ll use it as a planter to cheer up the front door. I go out swimming every other day so it will be nice to see it when I’m coming and going.
It is freezing now so I’ll pop back later after a hot bath. Nothing nicer than lying there after a hard day’s graft. Will be so pleased when I don’t have to push myself to do the garden. Still lots to get done but I’m getting there. Not sure if we’ll have any snow this winter but it will be nice looking out there after all the work I’ve done this year. Mam would be so proud of what I’ve achieved, even if I do say so myself! I know she would.
Wonder if Zoe would let you share her blanket? Bet she’s really snug to cuddle into watching tv. She’s such a sweetie. Give her a kiss from me x
Lots of love xxx
Hi everyone
Just thought I would pop in and say hello.
Another quiet weekend for me. Looking forward to an outing on Thursday which I will reveal in the next couple of days. Didnt want to book anything on Mums anniversary in case I’m not feeling great.
Sending love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Hope the rain stays away so I can take pics of my jobs in the garden today. Will be doing mams lanterns tomorrow and wishing her love. Still feels very unreal that mam is gone. I know I said earlier that I’ve come to terms with it but my head is all over the place.
Been catching up on the new Walking Dead. Not sure if it is new or that I just can’t remember where I got to.
Will be interesting to see how your anniversary goes. It’s not at all how I imagined it. But then all I did was buy flowers and celebrate mam on my own. Miss her so much. Sometimes it smacks me in the face from nowhere and I’m not able to breath with the panic.
Just realised how late it is. Will pop back tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne
Definitely a show in the evening. Never used to see shows at that time when I was a carer as had to be here for Mum in the evenings. Now I just think I get fed up in the evenings so selected shows I will see at that time . Saves on energy as well !
Aiming to do a London day as I can use a travelcard all day . A couple of things on my must see list , back home for a few hours then back into the capital in the evening. That way I have things to look forward to if I have a bad day Wednesday.
Speak again soon.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Christine
It’s so difficult to accept that our Mum’s are not coming back isn’t it? I’ve had that many times where you think you are through the grieving process and finding acceptance then the next day something can set you back and you have those doubts again.
My counsellor told me that this is perfectly normal but we will notice those bad days getting less and less as we make our new lives . Obviously anniversaries will forever be difficult .
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Yes, the bad days do seem to be getting less and even this morning I’ve really enjoyed photographing my mirrored hangings. That would have been inconceivable even a short time ago. Being immersed in what I enjoy gives me hope that waiting to join mam will be bearable. It’s still filling in time, but pockets of time where I can express myself as an artist makes me feel more me again, like before mam left. She wouldn’t want me to be dwelling on her absence all the time. I’ve decided that my hangings are too fragile for outdoors. I’ll hang them as a second tier to the shrine, suspended on a bamboo rail (I have some in the garden so not a faff). Means I have a new xmas addition to her tribute and will be sparkly and xmasy (not a word, I know) in place of having a tree inside. I’ve taken so many pics I’ll have to choose the best ones and post later.
Its never stopped raining here so not sure if the lanterns will be done today. Shame I didn’t do them yesterday but my niece / nephew weren’t available. I might just end up doing it myself on good day.
You really have given me a more positive outlook for next year being a recovery period. I don’t even feel so dismal about xmas and have decided to get a ready meal xmas lunch (can’t cook and got rid of my oven) and some chocs and treats. Don’t think I even ate anything last xmas. Will you cook? Or did you say you were invited somewhere? If you have been I would urge you to accept because being alone on xmas day is the loneliest place to be.
I think it’s fab that you will get a travel card and go into London during the day and return in the evening. Just keep an eye on the train strikes. There’ll be so many lovely things to see with the run up to xmas. Can’t wait to here all about it and see the pics. That’s what I’m missing with mam not being here. Doing all the things that became our traditions over the years.
Going to add my ribbon to my hangings before I get dressed and then see if the rain stops. Might book a swim later too.
Will pop back soon.
Lots of love xxx
Hi All,
Loving my mirrored hangings and wanted to share but need to finish adding more mirrors to a couple before I photograph them all hanging up in the shrine. I think it was Debbie who said how much the shrine has changed. This inspired me to create a second layering effect to the memory tags, symbolic of change (mam helped to put the shed together 17 years ago and I was sad to see it come down but it was ready), light (mam’s new spiritual adventure), inner reflection (mirrors) and recycling of the wood itself (mam’s spirit renewing into another dimension). When I look at mam in artistic terms then I can be enthusiastic in her being reborn but it’s still hard to accept in the cold light of day. Anyway, here’s my sparkly bits (hope I’m up to standard Tina - the Queen of all that sparkles!):
Offcut collection in it’s natural form
I originally imagined them hanging randomly over the large pond, suspended from the overhanging tree but don’t think the mirrors would last long. They’ve already started dropping off when I drilled the holes for the ribbon. Had a very busy morning. The bamboo rail is up and the bits tied on. Waiting for more mirrors with a delivery next week. Also ordered my compost and another post for the fence and more trellis. Hope I can get it painted and up this side of xmas. Can if the rain buggars off.
Too wet to do the lanterns for mam. Will have to wait for a bright crisp winter’s day. I’m ok waiting. That is a real achievement for me because I usually do have to achieve the thing on my list on the set day. But mam won’t mind when I do it.
Going for a cuppa. Can’t be bothered with a swim. Think pushing myself to do so much is catching up with me. It will be nice to jsut sit and play cards, watch a bit more of The Walking Dead and maybe’s make a start on my church window, replacing the bathroom ‘lace’. Pop back later
Lots of Love xxx
x
xx
