Abstract horses, not houses. But could be either. And notice little Porscha fluff. She gets everywhere. Dark now and still raining. Always think of it as a lost opportunity for the garden when the creep is out.
You must all be busy with it being Sunday. Just realised Debbies grand daught will be performing her show. How wonderful it must be to be a grandma. Mam was most happy surrounded by the little ones. I remember the chaos of bbq’s and special occasions where the only quiet time would be when everyone was eating. I’m thinking of her now without the upset. Something in me has transformed. Don’t know when it happened but I feel more peaceful about mam. Maybe it’s getting through the first anniversary that is a way into another realm of surviving.
Off for some soup to warm me up. My hands and nose are dropping off now but I’m waiting till 6 to put the heating on. Does the time count on a Sunday?
Looking forward to Handmaids Tale tonight as they have been captures. Wonder what the punishment will be. Love a bit of torture! The hubby doesn’t stand a chance.
Lots of love xxx
Hi everyone,
Got back from church and as it’s fairly mild and not raining I put up the lights outside. Not so much fun doing it on my own, Doug always used to sort the wires out and the electrics. It’s amazing what you can do when you have too.
I still have my bedroom window to do, but that’s for tomorrow. I know Doug would want me to still do it so it’s for him.
The tree in the house will have to wait until next weekend , don’t have the energy that I used to have.
I did watch my granddaughter dancing yesterday, she also helps with the little ones too.
I like your hanging mirrors Christine, they will look lovely in the shrine. It’s a shame it’s rained all day and you couldn’t get to do your lanterns. The weather does look to be settling down next week.
Never got into the handmaid’s tale on TV, but I have read the books.
Just settling down with a cuppa to write some cards
Sending love
Debbie x
Hi Debbie,
Your lights look lovely, and so neat! I always did them for mam and dad, up the ladder, hanging the little plastic hooks onto the gutter, Fairy lights round the bush at the front and around the door. And little xmas trees in a row that light up. And the snowflake light display on the front of the house. Getting really upset now remembering it all. Mam was always so grateful to me. And I would make wreaths for the front and back doors with holly and ivy and pretty ribbons. Mam had a little display inside the door and then her houses on top of the sideboard. I thought I might get them out and display them around the house as a tribute to her. I’m absolutely balling my eyes out now. Seeing xmas is a massive reminder that mam isn’t here again. And I was doing so well. I’m upset that I’ll never go back to the old house and sit with her in the garden and feel her at home. I hope she isn’t there on her own. All the xmas stuff is in the loft. If dad wants it I’ll have to take it over to my niece and he’ll have to collect it from there because of the situation now. It didn’t have to be like this. I don’t know why it is. He never told me why and I’ll never be able to work it out.
You’ve done a great job Debbie. And like you say, it’s amazing what you can do if you try. Doug would be very proud of you. Love the light up sleigh. I kept thinking about getting reindeers for the garden but nobody comes here so there’s not much point. Sorry, I was feeling quite upbeat until I saw the decs and it totally overwhelmed me with memories of being busy at this time of year. I think most peeps will be waiting until next weekend for their tree.
It will be nice to have your lights going when you get in from work. It looks so pretty. It’s bringing more memories back now of leaving in the evening, mam waving us off as we drive away, with the lights twinkling in the background. I wish they had never moved away so I could go back and do all the things I used to do. It’s like mam is still there. She never really made the new place her own because she didn’t have enough time there and was so poorly. You will be surrounded by memories of Doug and I’m sure it must feel like he is still there with you. I wish I lived with mam so I could be with her forever.
Well done Debbie. It looks lovely.
Lots of love xxx
Oh Christine I didn’t mean to upset you, sending a big hug. We have alot of children on the way home from school pass by so I hope they like seeing the lights.
Debbie xx
Hi Debbie,
Oh babe, you didn’t upset me. Seeing how lovely your lights are and all the xmas bits reminded me of lovely times at the old house. I’ve tried hiding from xmas until now, putting my own spin on it and pretending to myself that it’s ok and will pass by as everything does. Shows how fragile I am thinking I am ok. The children will be mesmerised as they go by! It’s so magical being a child, with Santa and his reindeer. I hope my little nephew gets to see Santa because I was the one driving. Mam enjoyed going to Winter Wonderland with us and there was a little grotto too at the garden centre, with ice skating and the little train. Mam always shrieked and clung on like her life depended on it (along with all the children). I didn’t know it would all come to an end. It’s so sad that none of it will continue. Just so sad. xxx
Hi @christine51
Glad to hear the anniversary day itself, you were able to enjoy some happy memories amongst the sadness and also moments of seeing future with some calm and hope. Its up and down isn’t it?
After coming back i didnt feel very well - i think the emotional and physical energy it takes out of you being that social and with someone for 3 solid days when i am used to a much quieter time. Also Peggy, my eldest cat wasn’t well when I was away. She has been going downhill for the last year and looks like she pulled a leg muscle after I left.
She is still off her food but a little brighter in herself now I am back. But I have to accept she is getting older and may not be here much longer. As long as she is comfy and not in pain I will just keep her cosy.
With Christmas coming it has been strange feelings. I can’t help but love christmas lights and decorations, just like Mum did - we always went over the top with decorating. My main thing was having a fresh 6ft tree. God forbid a false tree in my house. But this year it is different, with the new furniture there isn’t the usual spot for a big tree anyway. So I decided to get a fake prelit tree which is about 4ft and will stand on the console table. Will put our important memory ornaments on it -mu bought me a new ornament every year since I was born and we always bought a new decoration when we went away. I bought a new ornament in Barcelona too. I’ve also decided what decorations I will have out. I feel kind of calmer having a plan in action.
Granddad will stop for Christmas and New Year and I will make a Christmas lunch but mostly with the help of Marks and Spencers!! We both love cold meats and cheese so lots of meals will be that. Otherwise we aren’t planning anything and will just take days as they come with friends and neighbours popping in, and if we feel like popping out we will.
So far I am not finding Christmas on television and in the shops upsetting but I’m certainly not in the mood o go looking for Christmas such as any of the fairs that are one.
Have today off work to recover from the busy last few days so going to get a cuppa and find more mush to watch on TV!
Beki x
Hi @NEILB72
Looking forward to hearing what your next trip is on Thursday.
Seems to be a lot of new plays being announced. Hopefully a good sign that the theatre will be able to weather the credit crunch.
I’m basking in the fact I managed the train trip up north on my own. First time I have travelled on my own on a train in decades. It was actually quite nice and relaxing though I did treat myself to first class so was a roomy carriage and they kept bringing drinks and snacks around. The wifi was awful but did manage to get some work done on the train. in fact I was able to work a bit at granddads too - turns out productivity is higher when I don’t have Pippin cat trying to be on the keyboard all the time. That said I missed my feline colleague!
Beki x
Hi Beki
Great that you made the train journey on your own. First Class - not bad at all!
Had a bad morning through other people causing me unnecessary stress so I used my coping mechanisms of phoning Cruse. When I told them about my theatre and culture exploits the lady said I’m a poster boy for how to get through a bereavement . I’m just lucky I live near a big city like London and I can lose myself in a show and forget my troubles. I have been thinking that I would like to go into bereavement counselling even if only volunteering. The wait is a couple of years as you have to process your own grief properly first.
Will announce what I’m doing on Thursday the day before as I’m undecided on one of the events to go to. Show in the evening though.
Will check in tomorrow
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
HI Beki,
Lovely to have you back. I’m not surprised you’re feeling off after that much exertion. It’s exhausting being ‘sociable’, especially when it’s in sharp contrast to living on your own and having peace and quiet. But you did it! And amazing that you managed to get through some work too. Peeps say a change is as good as a rest and being outside of your comfort zone has obviously been beneficial.
I’m so sorry to hear about Peggy. My Porscha is over 17 now and although she looks like she’s never aged she doesn’t do much at all other than sleep and eat chicken and sometimes sit at the kitchen door when I’m doing dishes but not often now. She must be d=feeling the cold tonight because she’s come into the bedroom and is snuggled into the wool rug by the bed. It’s really come into winter now.
I saw Aldi have their real xmas trees in. Not bad at all for £15 but I wanted a big one for the garden. Your tree sounds lovely, especially with your mams ornaments placed around it. I was thinking of getting mam’s little houses out of the loft and doing the same, dotting them around so she is with me. I can’t bear to do xmas in the house. I just can’t bring myself to celebrate without her. I used to perfect xmas with displays throughout the house, spending days on it as well as helping mam with hers. I feel more in control too when I have a plan of action. But xmas is the one thing I can’t face.
I think it’s lovely that you will spend the xmas hols with your grandad. I’m dreading being alone again. It’s the one day that makes you feel even more alone than you already know you are. Like those dreadful adverts. I always went to my parents for xmas, Boxing Day, days throughout the week where I’d feel time didn’t exist. I’ve always spend New Years Eve alone as I really don’t like it. But I’ve decided on getting some food in rather than not. I’m not that bothered about food and don’t drink so won’t make a fuss. But your M and S will be special. Mam always did that and I would choose the puds. I feel totally lost without mam at xmas. She did everything, organised everything and everyone. Without her there is no xmas.
I found out today that my sister is moving (again) this side of xmas so that will be it. They won’t be too far away but she wants nothing to do with me so I won’t see my little nephew grow up and will barely see my niece and other nephew. I will be completely alone here. I’ll have nobody to call on for help. I discovered the creep is following me again. And my dad admitted that he lied about calling me. Don’t understand that. Why lie in the first place and say he was calling and leaving messages when I knew it wasn’t true. So outside of myself filling up my days doing stuff things really aren’t great. Don’t know what I’d do without the support I get from you all here. I’m seriously thinking of selling everything I own, buying a camper van and disappearing. There will be nobody to even see that I’ve gone. Sorry I’m not more upbeat. Life is becoming quite unbearable again.
Hope you had a nice relaxing day off. It’s fab that you’re working again and with a positive outlook, even if that is hard. You’re doing it!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
I’m so pleased to see you pop in. I’ll be back tomorrow to see how you are. Will be collecting the last few pots tomorrow. Found out today that my sister is moving and so it’s actually happening. They’ve lived down the road all the time I’ve lived here (about 17 years) so you can imagine the anxiety attached to that. I’ll pass that house every other day, for swimming and therapy and trips to the skip. I’ll have nobody to call for help if I need it, nobody to feed Porscha and stay with her if anything happens to me. I am completely alone. It’s all coming crashing down on me again. Mam leaves and I also lose everything I knew.
I think you’d make an excellent counsellor. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. And processing your own grief first is a learning curve, valuable experience to be applied to your new role. I would certainly want to have you pick up the phone if I rang. You certainly have the qualities and strength to show others how it’s done. Even when days are a real struggle you take action and get the support to help you through. You stay strong when it’s tough. I wish I had the strength to not be affected by my family who clearly don’t care about me. I’d rather not have a family at all. It’s so distressing. But I’m sure I’ll get through it. I’ve survived losing mam which is the most devastating thing that could possibly happen to me. And days will drift, weeks pass by and seasons come around again. I’ll be planting my Spring bulbs on Wed. when I get my compost delivered. Seeing them flower will bring some joy. I don’t know why I do the garden really. There doesn’t seem much point.
Still haven’t done my lanterns and if my niece moves very soon I’ll have to do them myself.
Saw that Aldi have real xmas trees in now. Will keep an eye out to see if they get some bigger ones for the garden. I’m so torn between making an effort just for the sake of doing it and not bothering at all with anything. And I was feeling quite positive before, having got through mams anniversary and been ok.
Have you decided on your flowers yet? Whatever you get will be beautiful for your mam. I’ll pop in tomorrow before therapy and then again in the evening to see how you’re doing. We’re all here for you love.
Lots of love xxx
Hi all,
Here’s my mirrored hangings in the shrine. I created 12 for the first year of mams absence, creating depth with a second layering to the memory tags and light to celebrate her beautiful spirit. I hope she enjoys what I’ve created for her.
Hi Christine
Fabulous. You are so creative . Looks amazing.
Thought I would just say hi.
Got my day planned for tomorrow. Normal washing day, plan my trip out Thursday, phone Cruse as that gives me reassurance , have a nice chat with my friend early evening. Will probably do some hoovering as I had an appt today so didnt do it this morning. Nothing out the ordinary but didnt want to book anything in case I get upset so that’s why I’m out Thursday as its something to focus on and to look forward to . You get to find ways to cope with certain special dates and I’ve usually found that the actual day is not as bad as I thought it would be.
Speak again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
That is stunning @christine51! I love the memories you have attached to them too. It’s very evocative and if you think about if you moved through them how they’d all touch you randomly, very like life. Really love it.
Peggy has brightened up. Last night I was amazed - she appeared on my bed. She walked up the stairs and pulled herself up onto the bed and prodded me for cuddles. Then I put some dreamies on the dried cat food on the landing and she came and ate quite a lot. She’s a little fighter.
Beki x
Wow Christine I thought it was a fancy church your photo was of 
x just beautiful and inspiring x
Will your sister move? She seems to cry wolf a lot. What I mean I suppose is don’t upset yourself until you actually know she is moving x
I went for a walk today and although saw no badger did find what looked like badger hair so know they are about x
Actually had a day off today after working all weekend and an unexpected 12 hour shift yesterday as someone who was meant to cover from another shop phoned in sick…well her cards are marked lol x
Hope you are having a decent day 
x
The shrine looks beautiful with all the hanging mirrors and memory tags 
Hello Neil
I just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you and will be thinking of you tomorrow as well. I am just so utterly useless with dates and I knew it was coming up for you but things to me seem that far in the future but in reality they are right in the hear and now. Anyway, I’m waffling on a bit, sorry.
The thing is it’s impossible to know how the day will “take you” till you get there. Of course it will be hard and sorrowful but you also may be able to get some comfort from some quiet reflection throughout the day as well. It’s nice you have your friend calling round, a listening ear and a chat can take us out of ourselves at difficult times. Plus you sound very pragmatic and organised by arranging things on and around the day.
Just look after yourself tomorrow and go with how you feel. I wish you lots of love and best wishes and again, will be thinking of you tomorrow. xx
Christine.
I’ve just got one thing to say Christine and that is how well jealous I am of your mirror decorations. I absolutely love them, they are stunning. It’s about time I put all this inspiration I get from you into practice myself.
Also I must apologize for not replying to your reply to me from before. I’ve logged on tonight to find my message is still on the screen, unsent and as it’s now irrelevant I can’t send it. I think what happens is that I reply in the early hours sometimes and then have to put the tablet down as I’m so sleepy and then just fall asleep without finishing. It’s turning out to be a bit of a bad habit so I do apologize again.
I’ve got so much to catch up on with all the posts. I can see others have put some nice photos on too so I’ll have a look at those as well.
In the meantime, sending love and I’ll have a look at your brilliant photos properly and everyone else’s too.
much love. xx
Hi Christine again
Just working my way through the posts and have been looking at your mirror bling. They are just gorgeous and the rustic-ness of the wood is so complementary to the mirrors.
Can I ask where you bought your mirrored pieces? You may have said but I can’t remember. I haven’t had to buy any yet as I had quite a few polystyrene Xmas balls and just picked them off them.
You’ve done a great job on those.
Will carry on working my way down the messages!
xx
Hi Christine
Just looking at your shrine. How lovely. I know how much time it will have taken to stick on all those bits of bling having done it myself. I was using loads of different colour sequins, glass bits etc so took even longer than normal but it was something I could do with Mum in the kitchen so it was ok. I did actually find out a lazy way and that was to coat the wood with glue and scatter the sequins but I much preferred to stick one sequin at a time individually. I must be a masochist! xx
Getting a bit further down the messages now. xx
Hi Neil,
Thank you! Been thinking of you today and wondering how you’re coping in the buildup. Like you say, the day itself is not as huge as expected. I did normal things too with a swim and then popping into Sainsbury’s for mams flowers. Still haven’t done her lanterns, but I will. Cruse and a chat with your pal is exactly what you need to make it less stressful or upsetting. The anticipation takes on it’s own momentum. Having things in place to normalise the day is good. I felt quite relaxed and detached, wondering why I wasn’t wailing and sobbing like I thought I would. We must reach a natural condition of being able to cope with the heartache. I keep thinking of mam’s natural quietness. She was always calm and peaceful. I try to be like that but I’m the opposite so it’s quite hard. She always in my thoughts, but in a less upsetting way now. Still not there yet. I know I’m relived to have got through her first anniversary but still dreading xmas because she was everything about xmas and I can’t celebrate without her.
So pleased you like the new shrine additions. It evolved naturally. I had intended to suspend them from the overhanging tree above the pond but I’m sure the mirrors wouldn’t have lasted long. And to add to the shrine, marking mams first year, seemed right. I’ll add to it throughout the year with cards and gifts. I still feel very detached in all I do, like I’m not really here and just going through the motions. I’m just pleased I can express my love for her through my creations.
I’m so happy you have your Thursday to look forward to. I find having it booked in my diary creates a structure to the week. One day at a time. That’s the best way of coping. I should have had a swim after therapy but I got out late and it was so freezing cold that I gave it a miss (without being too hard on myself). I collected more pots from the garden and my niece helped. She came over and it was really lovely to have a bit of company. It’s always quite rushed though so not exactly relaxing but good to see her.
The move is going ahead and they should be in by xmas. Mixed feelings. Feeling totally abandoned but it’s not as far as the other place they were moving to so that’s a relief. Means I’ll be able to meet up for swimming and going out on the bikes. Trying to keep some perspective because it easily snowballs into thinking I’ll never see any of them ever again. Being isolated isn’t great for my perspective.
I know when you wake up you’ll be hit by the full force of the day, or maybe not. Whatever you feel, when you feel it, will be natural and right. I’ll pop in throughout the day. I have my compost delivery and a couple of posts for the fence trellis (still have to get them up). Not looking forward to planting up my bulbs in the cold. Can’t believe I’m doing this so late on. But if I don’t it won’t get done. Will just have to wrap up and get on with it. Will be so relieved when the garden is ‘finished’ for the year and I can look out on it and just enjoy.
Remember, even though tomorrow is a special day, it is still just a day. Whatever you do your mam will be proud of you because she knows how loved she is. And that is the best gift of all.
Lots of love xxx