Stunning pictures Suzanne.
I really can’t imagine what 12 hours feels like where dealing with members of the public are involved in a retail setting. You must have some patience.
xx
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Hi Beki,
I was just saying to Neil how the shrine has evolved naturally. I never would have thought those bits of old shed would end up as something so significant. I still remember that day when mam and dad came over to help. But of course dad wanted to be in charge and wouldn’t listen to anything I was saying. I can still see mam’s expression as I’m shouting at dad to just do what I’m telling him and he keeps putting the same screw back in that I have taken out ‘just to hold it’. It was like a comedy sketch. It evokes all the emotions of that day. I love how you describe moving through the layers and the random nature of life. I hope mam can see it. I’m still feeling very detached. It’s like performing.
That is such good news about Peggy. She’s missed you! Love conquers all. My little Porsch made her way into the bedroom too. I think it’s with the cold. I’ve made her a bed of fluffy blankets next to me as she won’t stay on the bed. Still won’t entertain her little cave bed. Have you asked the vet if something like steroids would give Peggy a boost? It certainly helped Porsch with her sickness and poops. Will be thinking of her. I have a box in the loft ready to bury Porsch in the garden. I’ll be devastated. She’s the reason I get out of bed.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Suzanne,
Thank you. The shrine is indeed growing and becoming more elaborate with the mirrors bouncing light around. Never thought bits if the shed would become little celebrities. Really pleased with what I’ve created for mam. But still feel very detached and ‘performing’, like the essence of who I am is gone with mam. It marks time and emotion. Strange how random things in life can become special. I was furious that dad wouldn’t do as he was told (he was there to help, and it was my shed). I didn’t know it at the time but my mam had rung my therapist saying how angry I was and that we should explore that in a session. I was furious that dad wouldn’t listen to me, like I didn’t matter. Mam was always so quiet about things, watching and then trying to console me. I love her!
Seems the move is definite. My niece is starting her packing so she believes it is happening. I did have a good chat with my niece about how upsetting this all is for me, feeling isolated, having to pass their house every time I go out. And when I feel overwhelmed I feel like I’ll never see them again. But then when I’m more positive it doesn’t feel so far away. It’s closer than the other place she didn’t move to. And yes, she is the ultimate crying wolf, which is why I never believe a word she says. It’s all exaggerated or created for drama. But I think this is real. Have a few more trips over to the house to collect the weights from the big brollies. Thought I could recycle them into creating my step at the kitchen door. So that’s my next focus. It is all happening this side of xmas so I really will be completely alone here for xmas. Makes me panic.
Your pics are stunning! Wish that was my garden. I actually wish I’d just planted loads of trees and ferns when I moved in. Be a lot less work. The second pic is like a natural cathedral, taking the eye up to the heavens. Just beautiful. And such a bright sunny day (bloody freezing though). Are those little mushroom growths? You have a fab eye for detail. Pleased there was a bit of badger hair knocking about, even if the little creatures were hiding. They were probs watching you all that time. Like this little one
and this one, screaming ‘I’m over here!’ when you get your camera out.
This one was trying catching you up so he could get in the photo but he was just too slow.
I cannot believe you worked a 12 hour shift. I can sit sewing for that time, and probs garden if I’m sitting down. Wouldn’t be able to move afterwards though. At least the more you do the more time you can have off later. Hope so anyway.
I’ll be potting up my bulbs tomorrow if I get my compost in the morning. Hope the sun is out. Can’t believe how cold it’s got.
Will pop in tomorrow.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Debbie,
Thank you. I’m so pleased with the final effect as I was going to hang them over the pond but thought the mirrors would drop off. I always create things and then apply meaning afterwards. Who would have thought bits of old shed could capture moments in time and evoke memory? I’ll keep adding to the shrine, marking each significant day. The little cabinet to the side of the fireplace is the place where new things go, flowers and cards etc. I still haven’t done my lanterns but when I do I’ll print a pic of them to add to the display.
Hope you have your winter coat out for the cold. Got mine out the loft today with all the fur scarves I’ve collected from car booties over the years. I wore my gloves that mam gave me as a final xmas gift, not knowing they would become so special.
I’ll be doing my bulbs if I get my compost delivery in time tomorrow, though not looking forward to sitting in the cold. Seems like winter is finally here all of a sudden. Will have to do one last push to get the trellises up and the pots finished. Will be pleased to get it completed, having done so much in mam’s memory this last year.
I always found going out to work mid-week the hardest. Keep going, you’re halfway to the weekend!
Forgot to say, I noticed Aldi have xmas trees in for £15. Will keep checking as it’s a bit early yet for me.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
I wonder if I’m all caught up. This is where I tend to mess up by writing a long post and falling asleep half through so here goes!
First well done on all the practical decorations. They really are stunning. I admire you for doing stuff because I would always show Mum what I’d been upto and now I can’t see the point, so do nothing. I’m such a mardy-arse at times, I don’t know, maybe a bit of depression has crept in too. I feel like I want to do all sorts but know no-one really gives a toss and “he” hates plants in pots and glittery outdoor stuff equally so he’d not be interested, not that I can expect a bloke to be interested in glittery stuff! I got some wood and was going to make a little outdoor house like a model village house but couldn’t do it in the end
I’m relieved for you that your Sister isn’t going too away and you’ll not be isolated. I imagine how hard that would be on top of your lovely (not) neighbours. Even if you don’t speak that often you’ll know she’s there in an emergency and that means a lot. You can’t buy that kind of peace of mind can you.
I’m supposed to be going to lunch at a gardening centre tomorrow. My Niece has come up from Truro and thought we could go. In honesty though I’m not keen. There will be people around and it’s not my kind of thing but I will go. My Sister though just mentioned she’s going to stay at Truro with my Niece (her daughter) and the Niece’s partner over Xmas. I was a bit taken aback really because Mum passed away in December and it’s the first Xmas. Brother is furious and says why don’t I say something to her. I kind of agree, as I was surprised a little but she’s a mother too so don’t feel entitled to. So all being well, it’s just him and me. Fun and games all round then.
I’m so glad I don’t have the faff of Christmas gift shopping, over the top food shopping etc. Mum and us hadn’t had celebrations for a long time as she’d been having studies with Jehovah’s Witnesses and they don’t have Christmas and we kind of kept to that arrangement over the years. It’s not something that bothers me.
Up to what I have read just now you seem to mainly In control of things, going swimming a few shops etc. That’s really good. I can understand it’s not always like that but you definitely aren’t giving in. I seem to be the opposite, blanking every reminder. Kind of feels like I’m separated from everything - especially good memories. I’d have enough to keep a therapist in work for a very long time!
I’m gonna sign off now. Have to be up in just under 6 hours and I can hear Zoe so gonna have to get out of bed and wee her. If I get up and let her out and she goes and lounges on the lawn instead of weeing I don’t know what I’ll do!
I’ve not checked this post for errors so hope it’s ok!
I’ll drop by tomorrow, I’ll have to start getting my act together so I can have some photos of interest to share!
Much love xx
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Hi Tina,
I love that you are ‘well jell’ as they say in Essex. You are my inspiration in all things sparkly and glitter based. And now mirrored. I really had no other vision than sticking the mirrors onto the shed bits just because that’s what I had. Really effective hanging amongst the memory tags. And attaching meaning afterwards makes them appear that they (the bits of shed) were always meant to be because I remember so vividly the day when mam and dad ‘helped’ (I use the term very loosely indeed) and it all descended into chaos. Mam is so quiet, calm and patient in a crisis. And would always console me when I was furious because dad wouldn’t listen to me (as usual). It was like a carry-on film, with dad putting the screw back in that I had just taken out in order to move the roof of the shed in place so it could be fixed. All he had to do was hold it so I could drill it all. I ended up doing it myself because I was so furious. I have amazing strength when I’m enraged! I’m like the incredible hulk ! So, the shed bits remind me of that day, make me laugh and remember mam with her beautiful qualities that I wish I had. I can see her face as she clings on to the roof while I’m shouting at dad who just ignores everything I’m saying. Love her for her strength to not join in the shouting, calmly taking in the scene until I’ve had enough just can’t take it anymore. It’s hilarious looking back. But not at the time. I just needed them to hold it in place.
I still want to do some for the garden and love the multi colours of yours. Read that you put loads of glue on the board and just sprinkled them all on. I’ll certainly try that. My fingers were really sore peeling the bits off one by one. It was a relief to do a square of 4 or a longer strip. Lots of them have already dropped off. Might have to resort to glue if they all drop off with the heating on.
I do hope you make more. They are fabulous. I’m planning on hanging my plastic garlands over the big pond in the Spring and will make lots of hangings throughout the garden.
Never apologise for not getting your posts out. Sometimes I do one and it gets lost. Don’t know what happens. And as you say with time, it depends on how any of us are feelings as to whether we are able to even read them all, let alone respond, but I have been doing better than I was, staying on site regularly. I thought I would be distraught with mam’s anniversary but it’s like I’m still waiting to react. I’m still feeling very detached, like ‘performing’, going through the motions but not engaged. Like making the hangings. It was repetitive.
Just noticed you have another post. The mirrors are from Amazon. £8.99 for a strip. The first one is really fiddly but once you start going down a strip it becomes easier. They didn’t stick very well to the wood. I sanded it loosely and think now I should have done it a bit more as there was lots of mud and generally being exposed to the garden. Just looked up the meaning of wood:
Redwood symbolizes forever, the elm inner strength and love, and pine trees humility. Fir trees represent springtime, fortitude, and immortality. Poplars abundance, independence, and resilience. Willows symbolize inner wisdom, dreams, harmony, and freedom.
Don’t know what type of wood my shed was made of but I love all of the above as a symbolism for mam in her shrine. Would love to see her reaction, that it is all for her. It’s upsetting that I’ll know what she thinks about it. I hope she can sense it. All I can do is continue to do things for her.
I just read that you created your sparkly hangings in the kitchen with your mam. I remember mam doing the stick-on shapes with me when I was little, creating metallic pictures. I’ve just realised that’s why I love your sparkles so much. They remind me of being little. It’s that bond between mother and child, preschool, sitting in the stillness of concentration as the sunshine sparkles it’s way through the net curtain. I love that mam played with me. She was so patient, teaching me to crochet and knit when I was tiny. She is such an incredible person. I wish I could tell her. I love her for who she is and for how she shaped me into who I am. Getting so upset now. I’ve been much more in control lately but never know what will set me off. But I love remembering my life with her. She is so precious.
I hope you do make more hangings. I’m going to recycle the cupboard drawers I housed my geraniums in. I love giving new life to things. That’s my next project. Maybe I’ll make a start over xmas to keep me occupied as I’ll be on my own.
Have you started thinking about decorations? I’ll get my outdoor xmas tree for the garden but can’t do anything else. I might make a wreath for the kitchen door with bits of xmas tree but all very natural and not blingy like it used to be. I totally went overboard with xmas. It was a massive celebration. I just can’t face it without mam. I might get her little houses out and bob them about so she is with me. I know it’s nearly Dec but xmas feels so far away. I don’t want it getting closer. I don’t want it to be real.
Hope brother is behaving himself! Kisses to little Zoe.
Lots of love xxx
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Hello again!
I think I’m driven to craete for mam in her memory because it’s the only thing I can do, other than nothing at all, so whether it’s the shrine or gardening, I do it for her. There’s nobody to see it, other than you. If I do nothing I think I would crumble and tumble back into that darkness I found so very hard to climb out of. Keeping routines of swimming and popping to the shop afterwards creates a balance between being outside facing my anxiety and being at home. If I didn’t go out I’d become trapped in the house. As long as I feel in control and there is no pressure on me then I seem to be able to function on some level. Can’t guarantee how long it will last. But while it does I will continue.
But I do feel very disengaged from everything I do, like I’m absent from my own life, a shell of who I was before. I have an idea and the urge is there to carry it out. And while I’m doing whatever it is there is a level of enjoyment to some extent. But when it’s finished I just move onto the next thing. So there’s very little sense of accomplishment. I was always very driven so that is at my core. I suppose we naturally retain that element of ourselves, return to it after a period of intense grieving. I just seem to be very absent at the mo. Maybe’s I’ve been so overwhelmed with intense emotion in the last year that I just aren’t capable of sustaining it. Doesn’t mean I don’t love mam any less. I do feel exhausted though. But having plans each day and keeping a diary drives me forward.
I would love you to still do your little house for the garden. There are artists who create beautiful abstract houses with random little windows and they are intriguing. How delightful is this!
There are so many artists who create stuff from natural materials. Maybe’s Google for inspiration, copy the images and create a folder to dip into when you need to focus. I would certainly love to see what you create, and everyone here. The more abstract, the better, for me.
My sister who is moving is the one who has ignored me and I don’t even know why. She’s made it very clear that she wants no contact with me. So when she moves I won’t see her again. She lives 5 mins away and hasn’t seen me this year. But I will meet up with my niece for swimming and going on the bikes. I will be even more isolated than I am now and will have no one to call on. It’s very frightening, knowing I am so alone in the world. What she has done is cruel, given that I am agoraphobic and essentially trapped by my panic attacks. I just have to try to keep some perspective and know that the worst days will pass and I will continue to fill up my days so time will pass. I can’t imagine living like this for a whole lifetime. It’s like a sentence.
I think some people are essentially self-serving and will do whatever will make them feel better, regardless of the effect on others. I can just imagine you and brother together at xmas. But imagine just being totally alone. Waking up on xmas morn with nobody to wish you a merry xmas, or exchange gifts, or the hustle and bustle of the xmas dinner. I can’t even remember if I ate anything last xmas. It’s all a massive blur. I sobbed through most of it. My family knew I was alone and nobody even rang me. I still find it incredible that I can be discarded like that because mam isn’t here to make them better people than they are. I’m dreading it. And like you say, I’m surrounded by my awful neighbours. So dreadful in every aspect. Xmas was a joyful splendid celebration. It just embodies mam’s death now.
I hope Zoe wees and comes straight in. You might freeze out there! I’ve just noticed the time and my heating is still on. Haave my delivery of compost and bits tomorrow so an early start. Nothing worse than being knocked out of bed in my pj’s and having to hammer open the back gate to get the stuff brought through.
One thing I do to try to keep me going is to ask myself if I would want to be friends with me, to look at the qualities I have as confirmation that I am worthwhile, despite my family telling me I should be someone different. Try it and it could give you a bit of a boost. I suppose it’s a way of being kind to yourself, self-preservation. I still can’t understand how my family can treat me like this after mam leaving. It’s incredible. But my therapist said I have to stop trying to make sense of it and start living in the moment. So that is what I am trying to do, and to keep doing. It’s incredibly hard, relying on myself but what else can I do?
I’ll be popping in tomorrow. Hope I don’t freeze doing the bulbs and get stuck!
Lots of love xxx
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Hahahaha I have no patience whatsoever 
x I come home And drink (I’m joking lol) x
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@NEILB72…although I’ll be working all day you will in my thoughts today (as you are usually on a daily basis) but we are all here for you today 
x
Much love and will check in with you after work xx
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Hi Neil,
Just popping in to say I’m thinking of you today. Here’s some pics to make you smile.
Just waiting for my compost to pot up bulbs. Freezing out there but I’m determined! Will pop all the ornaments round the pond and create a safe place for my sisters fish. So lots to do. Hope the creep stays away long enough for me to finish.
Just had an email from the old MP about the proposed low emissions charge being extended to my area. £12.50 a day to pop out in my car! So quite worried about that and the knock-on effect for delivery charges too.
Whatever you are doing today remember it is just a day (that’s what I told myself) and you have things in place to carry you through. Your mam will be watching over you. I love the poem Suzanne sent you with the robin. Hope my little one joins me out there today, hopping about, getting all excited to see me.
Will pop in later and see how you’re doing.
All my love xxx and an extra one x
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Hi Neil,
Just wondering how your day has gone. I’ve come in from the garden, having done lots of jobs but didn’t have enough compost to do all the bulbs but I made a start on tulips. Didn’t manage to get pics because it turned dark. I was still out there for a while with a light but gave up in the end. Hope I have enough pots to get everything done.
My niece has been helping my sis with the move so it is definitely happening. After my initial panic I’m not really reacting. I still have bits to collect so my focus is on that. Think it will really hit me when I drive past and they won’t be there. Think I’m in shock mode.
Did you manage to get a chat with Cruse? Hope so. And your pal will be phoning too. You have your thing tomorrow to look forward to. Always love seeing your pics. Hope your day has been a calm one with reflection and love expressed for your mam. It still feels very unreal. Keeps hitting me, like I forget and it catches up with me again. Just seems too unbelievable for it to be true.
Might go for a swim tomorrow. It wasn’t as cold as I thought it would be today. Will take pics in the morning before I leave.
Hope to see you later.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi everyone
Thank you all so much for the very kind words and for the pics/photos posted. Really means a lot to me.
The day has actually been pretty good . Made my planned call to Cruse. Went for a nice lunch with my neighbour and good friend Ian upstairs and we made a toast to Mum, sharing memorable stories from Mums life . Even had a meal specially chosen as Mum would have liked it - lovely Wiltshire ham with chips and eggs( got a free egg as a bonus as the chef wasnt satisfied with the original) washed down with some Budweiser.
Really nice food and Mum would have been pleased.
My best friend phoned as always and we had a lovely chat and a bonus , another neighbour popped in after work with some flowers which was a lovely thought .
Sadly some of Mums closest friends couldnt be bothered to acknowledge the day and that was very disappointing so I am not best pleased with them.
Tomorrow having some ‘me time’. Already booked up for Yeomen Of The Guard , Gilbert and Sullivan’s operetta at the London Coliseum in the evening. In the morning, hoping to visit the Wallace Collection near Bond St as this art gallery has been on my list for ages. They have medieval armour there too. Will catch a lunchtime concert at a choice of two other venues too but will make my mind up last minute over that
Hope you have all had as a good a day as possible
Thanks again for your kind words
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil
Glad you have had a special day and meal with you friend to toast you mum and remember her. Ham, egg and chips always a favourite, might have swapped the beer for a cup of tea though.
You can never tell who will respond to an anniversary and it was loverly of another neighbour to bring you flowers. Your best friend that phones is someone that never lets you down and those friends are precious.
We all deserve a “me” day and you have alot planned for tomorrow. I’ve never been to an opera, I need to add it to my bucket list. Looking forward to seeing some photos, have a lovely day tomorrow.
Sending love
Debbie X X
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Have been thinking a lot about you today Neil and glad to hear it’s been easier than anticipated x
The sound of your lunch with your friend etc sounds just so what you needed and a great way to toast your mum x
Look forward to hearing all about your day out tomorrow and again much love and maybe your mum’s friends have just got the wrong date so may redeem themselves xx
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Hi Neil,
I’ve been waiting for you to post and am delighted that you’ve had a lovely day by all accounts. What a popular boy! And to share stories about your mam is wonderful. The meal sounds yummy and being able to toast your mam on her actual day couldn’t get any better. Don’t let your mams old friends upset you by not hearing from them. Could be that they don’t realise it’s today? I think people are generally unaware of the effect their actions, or lack of, has on others. You might still get a card or phone call. And if not, it’s their loss, not yours. You’ve certainly done your mam proud. I can imagine her enjoying herself with you all. And for your other neighbour to pop in with flowers was very thoughtful and kind. I didn’t hear from any of my family on mams day. I’ve given up trying to work out why. Don’t even know if they did anything for her. You’ve had a splendid day. Couldn’t have done more.
You’ll need a good sleep for your very busy day tomorrow. Can’t wait to see the pics. Great to be able to tick another thing off your list too. I don’t think I told you about my sis and her family up north. They were part of an historical reenactment group where they dressed in original costume and had real swords and armour, trained to fight, and lived as they would have in whatever period it was (Vikings, I think). They were on tv. It was years ago but they did it for a while. Mentioning the medieval armour reminded me. It was a thing through work.
Enjoy your day tomorrow. I think having planned it as you have to follow the anniversary was wise because you might have felt very low tomorrow after having such a good day today. You are an inspiration to us all Neil. Very well done. It takes great courage to do what you have. I know how hard it is. But you’ve done it!
Can’t wait to hear about your day and look forward to your pics.
Lots of love xxx
ps. I would have loved red ballet shoes. Didn’t know you could get anything other than black and pink.
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Hi everyone.
Having a great cultural day so far. Will post pics tomorrow as wont have time today. Art , classical concert and just on my way to the opera .
Love to you all
Speak again tomorrow
Neil x
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Glad your having a lovely day.
Love Debbie X
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Hi Neil
So lovely that people showed their support and remembrance of your mum. Hope you have a great Thursday, and look forward to seeing the pictures
Beki x
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Hi Neil,
You are indeed a very cultured boy! Can’t wait to hear all about it and see the pics. Have you dressed up for the opera? It’s been so long since I’ve gone to anything I wouldn’t know what peeps wear now. Enjoy it babe. You deserve it!
I’ve been a very busy bee with 3 trips collecting more rocks for the garden. I uncovered my little nephew’s fairy dell and so have another collection to add to what I had from before. I have fish to collect and the big brolley for the top of the garden in the summer when it’s roasting.
Before I went over there I’d been busy doing the gnomes, fairies and ornaments around the big pond, having already pieced together the wire mesh to stop the cats getting at the fish when they come to me. Thought it would look a mess but its ok. Will take pics hopefully tomorrow.
I’m so worn out and my hands are swollen carrying all the rocks. Some of them are massive. I’m surprised I can still walk!
Enjoy your evening babe.
Lots of love xxx
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