Hi Neil
I’m so pleased that you had a peaceful day. It sounded a such a sweet, touching day that truly did your Mum justice. If some people let you down I could see why you’d be upset but just think you did Mum proud without them and that’s all that matters.
Love and best wishes
xx
Hi Christine.
I liked the little house in the photo. It reminds me of a little port we have round our way.
You need a massive bowl of your soup after what you’ve been doing in your garden in this bitterly cold weather. I don’t know how you’ve managed it. You must be on some extra strong vitamins. I had been reading that your niece had been helping with the move. I’m sorry it’s progressed to them actually moving. Yeah it will feel strange driving past their house til you get acclimatized to it. It’s another loss in a way and it’s only natural it would have a bit of a shock effect on you. You’ll get used to it over time but it does feel like life is giving you another punch in the face one way or another.
I don’t know if I mentioned but my Niece was up from Truro this week so she and my sister and me all went to the garden centre for something to eat. All the inside was full of Xmas gifts and decorations but my Niece didn’t want to go to the outdoors part so we never saw the plants. The restaurant section was table service and we were shown to a table in the middle of the room. If it was my choice I’d have made a beeline for the table in the furthest corner. I like to hide. It was nice but half way through I could feel myself detaching a bit and going inside my own head. There was a Xmas part where there were life size furry mechanical animals belting out Xmas songs which I found quite sad. I always used to find Xmas carols sad at the best of times though I’m sure I’ve wrote about that before so please excuse me if I have. As I often say my memory has got shocking recently. I’m also becoming really anxious and stressed now because it’s a week away from a year of losing Mum. If I were to be honest I’m not coping. Sometimes if I had the option to not have to go on I wouldn’t. Things are getting to me too and everything seems a long road ahead. I will stop there as I don’t want to pass my negativity on to others as usual.
I’ve decided I’m absolutely hopeless with this slow cooker business. How hard can it be! Its ok, it’s passable, but it’s not remarkable. I’m not one of life’s natural cooks!
I really don’t know what’s going on with Zoe. Either it’s the teenage dog years or the joint supplements are beginning to work on her joints now as she is totally uncontrollable right now. I let her out for a wee first thing and instead of wanting to come in she’s digging behind the shed to escape. I shout for her to come in and as this fails I have to run up the stairs to the back bedroom window to knock and make her think she’s missing something. All she does is stands there barking at me like I’ve lost my marbles. It’s like something out of The Three Stooges! I get her in but she’s “arguing” with me for the rest of the time because being part husky she “talk’s”. Only I could end up having an argument with a dog!
Well, I’m going to go and get a “warm” and I’ll pop in again later.
Have a good rest, you’ll probably need it after the moving plant pots etc!
much love xx
Hi Tina,
Lovely to see you before I go to sleep. I am extremely shattered after doing 3 trips of collecting rocks and the flat weights that hold the large umbrella stands down. They’re packing up the house and some furniture has already gone. I’ve been focused on what I need to get from the garden but once that’s done the panic will really set in as they’ll be gone in a week. It is like a punch in the face. They’ve lived there for as long as I’ve been here, just down the road. So peace of mind in an emergency and not having to travel far to collect them for trips out, not that that has happened in a long time. They aren’t moving too far but it’s further into London so a bit of a drive and in the low emmisions zone charge. If I meet up with my niece she’ll have to meet me somewhere as I’m clearly not invited to the house by my sister. It’s so sad. My dad was over there helping at the new house. He hasn’t spoken to me since being horrible to me and I still don’t know why. The two of them has cut me out of the family. I don’t understand it. And my other sister ignored my texts apart from telling me she has asthma after having covid, but still has to go into work. I still can’t work out what it is about me that they despise so much. Mam loved me.
I’m glad you went to your meal with your sis and niece. Shame you didn’t get to look at plants. I would have wanted to as well. The animals reminds me of the dancing bears at the garden centre over at mams. We always went every xmas. It was spectacular. So expensive, making a luxury bauble buy extra special. I’m usually immersed in the beautiful tree displays. It was a traditional family outing. It’s so sad that I won’t go again. I never thought it would ever end, any of the things we did. It’s all very shocking and hard to accept.
That anxiety and stress building in the lead up to your mam’s first anniversary is natural. The anticipation is overwhelming and when the actual day comes you’ll be upset but probably feel relieved that the day is finally here. I still can’t believe it’s true. It’s so random now. I burst out crying for her watching The Purge. Makes no sense at all. Have you planned anything special to celebrate? Flowers and a card? Will you have a meal with brother? I think he expresses his grief through anger, much like my family, lashing out rather than contemplating inwardly and travelling through the grieving process. It’s the hardest thing I have had to face, much worse than having cancer and wondering if I’m going to die. Sometimes mam feels very near me, and I can see her chatting to me and being who she is. Other times she’s so far away that I panic and can’t breathe in case I don’t feel close to her ever again. I always think of her when I’m in the garden and see my little robin hopping about, happy that I’m out there.
I’ve got loads of rocks to add to my pond and more fairies for the fairy dell. Mam would be so pleased that I’m doing this for her. She loved her fairy dell. I planted it up for her and she always wrapped the fairies and put them away in the winter. She really cared for her things. I cried when I saw the state of the garden. I had to cut it back as it was so overgrown and most of the stuff was buried. I’m sure there must be more elsewhere but I haven’t found them yet. Just heartbreaking that all her things have been discarded and not cared for. She’d be so upset.
Tina, I know how hard it is to keep going. All we can do is fill our days with stuff and if we can get some joy from it then it’s a bonus. While I’m concentrating on the garden I’m engaged in it, enjoy it with a sense of satisfaction. But it’s short lived because that dark heavy weight of knowing mam is gone forever is always there. To not wake up would be a relief from the pain of aching for it to have never happened and to go back to normal again. We all know what it feels like to be broken hearted. And still we get up and drag ourselves through the day. I think my anxiety drives me forward. I’m always relieved when it turns dark and I am finished for the day. It’s a way of coping. And your memory thing is normal too. I keep hunting for things and find them in the most random places. All part of it I suppose. I can’t imagine ever being ‘normal’ again after this. I’m too broken.
Have you thought any more about making a house? You could cover it in glitter and gems. It could be a shrine to your mam and you could keep precious things inside of it. It could be an ongoing gift to her. That’s why I created the shrine and do the garden. It’s all for mam. I hope she can see it or feel it or sense that I’m doing it for her because I love and miss her so very much. I wish I could dream of her, just to feel close to her, but it’s like my head just switches off until I wake up. Just to have a minute with her, to say all the things I want to say. I’d give anything for that to happen. But all I would say is I love and miss you and wish you had never left because I am so heartbroken without you. And I’m crying again. It’s always there, waiting to catch me.
What day is your mams anniversary? I know you and Suzanne are on the same day. It’s like we were all destined to ‘meet’ each other. I would truly be lost without you all. I don’t know how anyone gets through this journey alone.
I’ve just noticed the time so I’ll sign off for now and pop back in the morning. I still have to get more compost for my bulbs. Hope the weather waits until I’m done. Will have to start thinking of getting the xmas tree for the garden. Can’t believe it’s December already. I knew it was coming but, as we know, time is a strange creature now. It’s like living in an alternative universe. I’m always running out of time. I wish I’d just said no to dad and his list of jobs in the garden so I could have sat down with mam and chatted like we used to. My anxiety always had me on the go and when it was time to go home it felt like I hadn’t seen mam. I always thought I could make up the time but it ran out. It will haunt me forever.
Sleep tight hun.
Lots of love xxx
Hi everyone
Just putting some photos on from yesterday. Having a few quiet days now over the weekend.
Wallace Collection, Royal Academy and London Coliseum ( no Christine- jeans for the opera for me along with a lot of the audience!)
Sending love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Not surprised you’re having a few quiet days after your London excursion. Lobe the pics. Especially interested in the armour for the horses. Makes sense but I didn’t know. Looks like wings on the back flanks. Can you imagine though trying to carry all that weight and move, and then fight. The swords were really heaving. Beautiful china and those windows are gorg. Can imagine the light streaming through, creating rainbows everywhere.
Glad to hear you didn’t have to wear a tux and ballgowns to the opera! Must just be in films. How did you enjoy being out in the evening? Did it feel like a bigger event? So pleased you’ve had a wonderful time.
I had a real panic about the extension of the low emissions car zone but when I checked my car reg it passed the test (all registered with dvla on mot’s so really handy). Means I can continue as I am. Would have meant paying £12.50 a DAY! going for therapy, a swim, popping to the shop, meeting my niece etc. It’s outrageous.
Got my rocks and fairies yesterday but can’t get in the garden because the creep is out there with his bloody gardening tools, chopping everything back within an inch of its life. He’s been at it for a couple of hours. I have to pull my blinds down on all the windows so he can’t see in. It’s an awful way to live. He presents himself as ‘normal’ and I’m the one hiding. If he goes to work I’ll get out there and continue around the pond. and take some pics. Ordered my compost but can’t get a delivery until next week. I just have to plan my time around it, but it means I’ll get my bulbs finished and that will be the end of planting up. At last! Pleased I started bringing pots over when I did as I’m not sure when they will be finished completely with the move. Still have a massive brolley and the weights to collect and will see what else I can scavenge. I’m like a magpie! I do have a wonderful pair of magpies visiting for food everyday. Lovely to watch them drinking from the waterfall into the big pond. And I had my little robin accompany me round the garden when I was out there fiddling about with fairies yesterday. Wonder if it’s mam keeping an eye on me. Hope so.
Enjoy your chilling out time. Any good films to watch? I’m still watching The Crown. Keep dipping in and out. Wondering whether to pay for season 11 of The Walking Dead as it’s not free on Prime. Love anything zombie based.
Going to dry my hair now and get dressed so I’m ready for the buggar buggary off so I can enjoy my garden. Still have all the posts and trellises to put up. Hope my niece can help me after her move.
Lots of love xxx
Hi everyone,
Stuck in my bedroom with the curtains shut because the creep is creeping and I just can’t bear him watching me. He did go out but just drove around the block and back within 5 mins. I had opened my curtains and then had to close them again. So didn’t get out in the garden. I discovered his ladder placed against his shed so he can easily get on a couple of rungs and see over the fence into my window. It’s only because of who he is that my brain thinks everything he does as suspicious.
I am nearly shivering sitting in my bedroom without the heating on. Defo turned to winter. Wondering what you are all up to. At least it’s Friday for all the workers.
Pop back later xxx
Hi Christine,
8th December for Tina and I….and I agree it’s like we were all meant to come into each others lives at the time we did and for one without you all I would be lost.
I went to Edinburgh today with my friend and it was a lovely day out but by Jings it was cold. The Xmas market was in Princes Street gardens and we went on the big wheel…£10 each but not something we do every week lol x
Working tomorrow as going to a friends for lunch on Sunday…so canna be bothered with work but after a nice day off today I’ll just have to suck it up x
Hi Neil,
Love the photos and like Christine I really like the armour especially the horse one.
You will need a quiet couple of days as any day out in London can be very tiring…or that could just me being old 
x
As I was saying to Christine I was in Edinburgh today and always forget how many hills there are and I always then remember how unfit I am…maybe next year I’ll tackle that lol x
You been watching the World Cup? I was disgusted to hear that it’s on for another couple of weeks…I hate it x just mucks about my programmes lol x
I know you were saying you have a couple of quiet days but have you anything planned at all for the next week?
I need to wrap some presents so I can post them soon due to all these postal strikes x
Anyway hope you can relax and the next couple of days sees you well 
x
Hi Suzanne,
Loving the pics and it does look really chilly! But well worth it. I’ve been on the big wheel in Newcastle years ago and loved it. Don’t remember it being that big! Worth the tenner. Always love seeing other places. The sparkly trees are really lovely. Look like ice sculptures. Did you have a reading with the crystal ball? Always fascinated but also quite dubious that I’m being had. Did you take the pic of the scenery from the big wheel? I would be shtng myself up there!
Glad you had a really good day. I avoided the creep and watched some more of The Crown, dosing off so missed quite a bit. Really sad about the girls who spent their whole life locked away (cousins of the queen?). So sad. In fact I think they are all very unhappy in their lives and marriages generally. Would hate my life being mapped out like that. I was a very rebellious teenager (and adult) but mam always loved me despite the tantrums. Totes love her for her unconditional love. I suppose it’s quite rare. You look absolutely freezing! But so pleased to see your day out. Thank you x
Hope the creep is at work tomorrow so I can get more done in the garden or collect the other bits. Will see how the move is moving along. It still hasn’t hit me yet that they’re going. Will feel very lost when they aren’t there. They’ve always been there as long as I’ve been here.
Still haven’t done my lanterns. But I did write my cards so will post them tomorrow if I go out. The post box is just up the road, a 2 minute walk, but it may as well be on the moon because I can’t do it. Agoraphobia is a buggar. Makes no sense at all but compels me to be scared.
Enjoy your meal Sunday. It’s great that you’re doing stuff on your days off. If you didn’t enjoy them they wouldn’t really count.
See any badgers lurking? I’m sure they were following you but you were having too much fun.
My new thing now is watching nightmare tales of death where peeps go caving and diving and get stuck. Just don’t know why they do it. But it’s intriguing to watch.
Haven’t done any xmas shopping. No tree as yet for the garden. Saw a beautiful huge lit up angel ornament for outside when I was out collecting my rocks. Thought of mam. It feels like she’s quite far away, like reality isn’t quite here yet so I’m feeling ok and not overwhelmed with sadness. But that can all change in a second.
Haven’t been swimming since last weekend I think. So easy to let it slide. Might try fitting it in tomorrow. Today has felt like a week because I’ve been locked away in the dark. Hope the creep is out tomorrow so I at least have a choice of whether to go out or not.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
I thought I’d check in and see how you and Neil are doing today.
I’ve been reading about your sadness over the state of the garden with things overgrown etc and the neglect. That’s how I feel but Im sure most people just don’t get why we’d be affected as we are by it. In my mind it’s not so much about the disrespect of the property so much as the disrespect of the person that it meant something to, if that makes sense. Sometimes I just look at stuff and thought if how it once belonged to either my Husband and Mum and it just gets to me. It’s not about the items but the attachment I think.
Despite it being so utterly chilly I did manage to move a bit of stuff in the back garden. I eventually have put all the cuttings from the council freebie day in soil even if it’s just temporary but if they all do amount to something there’ll be a lot of greenery. Don’t know what most are but some have got thorns so maybe a hedging rose. I’m just so sad about the state of the garden though. It’s as if it’s beyond repair - it’s not how Mum would have wanted it.
My Niece has said could I go and visit her in Cornwall for two days in February but I daren’t bring it up with my Brother because he’ll just say he’s being left out and as a result of a few bad days between us I’m not even going to try. It’s all such a state isn’t it when there’s bad feeling amongst siblings and families. I’m sorry you seem to be affected by similar, it’s not what our Mums would have wanted is it. It’s a shame that your Sister (and Dad) aren’t reaching out to you but at least as you say they aren’t moving too far and if there’s ever an emergency you won’t be stranded alone.
Sorry to hear as well that creep has emerged again. Hopefully the colder weather will keep him in more often. Unless he’s got an interest in gardening or tinkering with cars etc there’ll bit be a lot to keep him outside.
Don’t know what’s going to happen on Mums anniversary day. I’ve been both dreading it getting nearer and pushing it away and it’s seemed in the distance but now it’s not and I’m scared by it. I’m still incredibly troubled about a lot of things surrounding Mum, but I understand a lot of people think that way too. It just feels like I’m two people, and they never really seem to meet as “one”. I know I say some weird stuff.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring for us all, hopefully a bit of calm.
I’ll check in tomorrow, see what’s been happening and what’s been going on with your garden. I looked around our garden today for some wood to do this house and we’ve got some paint etc so I’ve got no excuses!
Much love xx
Hi Neil.
Just seen your photos and they are brilliant. I daren’t do half the stuff you do, or go into all those different environments. I think it’s fabulous you are getting to see all these shows and experiences. Good on you. xx
Hi Suzanne,
I’m stunned by your photos. Anything that glitters/shines/sparkles and I’m fixated so I love these. xx
Hi Christine
Sorry you had a bit of a bad day due to that weirdo. Such a shame that he has to be living there. Would love to give him a slap 
.
Having the day for Mum and then having my cultural day has really cleared my mind and given me a lot of positivity. Will get bad days again but as I’ve said before as long as I can focus on the cultural stuff then that’s my way of getting through.
The Wallace Collection is wonderful with such beautiful pieces of art and the armour is brilliant. Love the smell of history in there. Lovely concert at lunchtime- the Royal Academy is near Madam Tussauds- that is one place I will not be going by the way 
The opera at the ENO is different to the Royal Opera as its accessible for all with cheap prices and free for under 21s. I love Gilbert and Sullivan operettas . All in all a great day.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Suzanne
Really loving the photos. People go abroad but you look at our beautiful cities , especially this time of year, and see how lovely this country is. I dont think I’ve ever been on a big wheel 
.
Everything has gone as planned this week and have felt really good the last few days. Culture is great for my mind! I was bowled over seeing the armour and that’s what makes the Wallace Collection unique as not many other galleries have that in their collection.
Next week I have a press night to go to for a new musical at the National Theatre called Hex, which is a musical based on Sleeping Beauty. Missed it last year as it was cut short by Covid. Might have the red carpet out on Tuesday !
My friend from Shropshire who phones every Wednesday is coming down to see me the following week so will be great to catch up !
Speak again soon
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina
Just read your post and you mentioning the anniversary. I was dreading it for weeks but feel totally different today than I was this time last week. Whenever I had birthdays or other anniversary dates through the year it’s the build up that’s worse rather than the actual day.
I’ve learnt to prepare and plan something around the date and it really helps. Having something to look forward to is essential for me. Also important to remember the bad days will surface again and could happen at any time but that is normal.
We have to congratulate ourselves how we have made it through this year when there have been many times when we thought we couldnt. We say this to others but they dont understand like we all do.
We will all be here to support you Tina on your Mums anniversary as you know 
Had a great day Thursday . I’m sure Mum would be pleased I’m getting out and about as much as I can. I feel sometimes that Mum is there with me at some of the places I go .
Hope your weekend is as good and peaceful as it can be
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
Your dread of your mam’s anniversary is totally natural. It was always looming large and then when it got to be within a week I was very anxious about it and in a total panic. But when the day actually arrived it was a very calm and peaceful day. I bought her flowers and card after a swim and wasn’t falling apart like I thought I would. Will you perhaps visit the grave? If that’s too upsetting (I know you don’t ‘feel’ your mam there), you could do something at home. Maybe’s a cake (I didn’t think of that and I often took a cake over when I went) and some flowers would be just right to mark the occasion. I still haven’t got my lanterns done due to weather but also the move (my niece is very busy as you can imagine). Whatever you do on the day, it doesn’t come anywhere near the love and happiness you shared for a lifetime. It’s like my therapist said, mam’s passing is not the important bit. It isn’t bigger than the lifetime of cherished memories we hold dear. You could start on your house as a big pressie to her. Doesn’t have to be finished in time. Starting is always the hardest bit.
I was in the garden yesterday preparing pots for compost arriving Wed so I can do my bulbs and putting up the bamboo on the trellis at the top of garden (still have to make a section from all the bits I have left over from the summer and hoping to scavenge bamboo rolls from my sister’s garden when I next go over to collect the last few bits). I finished laying the rocks around the pond and fiddling about with the fairies. Still not finished with that but it will get there. By the time I finish it’s dark so I still don’t have pics to show you all but I will. Final trip to the skip yester with a swim and I saw the xmas trees in the park on the way back so that is something I will do after getting the final garden bits. Hoping my niece will still help me with the tree.
It is incredibly upsetting seeing the garden overgrown and all mams things neglected. Like you say, its the things themselves. They can all be replaced. It’s because of the care given to them by mam. Brollies were always put away and protected with covers, furniture was varnished and painted, fairies were also put away so they weren’t damaged. She had lots of large fairies as presents and I couldn’t see them. My niece doesn’t go in the garden so she won’t know where they are. I only uncovered the little fairy dell by chance because I spotted some more rocks. I’ll have to hunt about when I go next. My sister wants nothing to do with me so I can’t ask her. Mam would cry, as I did, if she saw the state of the garden. Muy sister always fights to get whatever it is but then doesn’t look after it. It’s heartbreaking. And they don’t have a garden so all the furniture is going to the skip. All the things that mam cared for. I can’t bear to have the swing chair because that’s how I remember her. It’s bringing tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I’m sure when they move and the house is empty it will hit me hard that I’ve been left behind.
I discovered a very unnerving thing when I was up my ladder. The creep has removed a fence panel at the back of his garden next to me and can spy on the house behind us. I still still hear him going out in the dark (in the freezing cold), creeping. I wonder, because he knows I have the cameras, that he’s moved onto spying on the other neighbour and I don’t know whether to tell them what he has done to me and that they should reattach the fence panel to stop him spying on them. The creep put up the fence for them as well as other jobs in the house. He’s some sort of handy man / garden maintenance man. Very worrying that people trust him in their home.
I think it’s a wonderful invitation to visit your niece. Why do you need to broach it with brother? Just tell him when you’re going and that he’ll need to have someone watch Zoe or take time off. It’s not your problem if he’s not invited (not surprised at all). His quarrel is not with you but rather a struggle with himself because he’s not included. Let him throw a tantrum and wallow in his own pity. I really don;‘t know how you put up with it. I think a change of scenery and some good company would be very good for you. Does she have time off work? A stroll down the beach in Feb may be chilly and would certainly blow away the cobwebs but it certainly give you a new perspective and a boost. And getting away from brother is a good thing wherever you go! A very kind and thoughtful offer from your niece. I do understand though how hard that could be for you. The less we do the greater the stress of doing anything. You could get some calming drops for the journey. I remember you did the journey over to your old house alone on the train. How long would Cornwall be? I remember going on holiday down there. Took 7 hours to drive. I was crying by the end of it as we were lost and I’d had enough. But well worth the effort. You could go and if you don’t enjoy it just don’t go again. Do you get on with your niece? Maybe your sister is looking out for you? You have lots of time to mull it over.
Just thinking about your thorny plant cuttings. Could be a hawthorn or firethorn (red and orange berries for the birds). Will be intriguing to see them grow. You’ve done well getting them planted in. I’m just hoping my bulbs aren’t too late. The weather forecasts snow in Scotland and frost here so winter is defo arrived. It will be good to get all the jobs finished and not have to be under pressure as I have done this year. Lots of things in pots to have to dig in in the Spring. Nothing like the scale of work I did this year. There has been a real urgency in being busy. I can look forward to my sewing over winter and look out onto the garden and wait for Spring to arrive. Whatever you can do to have a tidy up now will be worth it. And doing a bit each day, for a morning (getting out there early) or afternoon (dark here by 4.25 - I’ve timed it!) will give you a sense of achievement. It does me. If I was there I’d be round helping you.
Going to see if the creep is still here. I’m in the bedroom with the curtains shut as he always lurks about and I know he’s trying to see in because I’ve stood and watched him. Hope he goes out. Nothing worse than being trapped in the house when I have stuff to do. Will take pics if I do get out there. Just remembered I did take a pic of the fence the creep removed. Here it is. He has created a doorway into the other neighbours’ garden.
Hi Neil,
I would love to slap him so hard he#d never come back. See my post to Tina where I discovered he’d removed a fence panel so he can now spy on the neighbour at the back of us (their garden across the top of ours). He can walk right in without anyone seeing him in the dark. He knows I have cameras up everywhere so he’ll be caught doing it to me. This was the house where he was doing jobs and used the power tools to dig out the loft wall in mine. He must have a criminal record. Don’t see how he couldn’t. But then his behaviour is so difficult to prove without evidence. And getting the cameras seems to have stopped the behaviour. 
(slap not wave!)
I am so pleased that you are feeling good and focused on staying positive. It will be hard getting through xmas (doesn’t seem real at the mo as I’ve managed to avoid it being in my garden, swimming and going skip) but like you said you have all your things to look forward to and it really does transport you away from the debilitating effects of grief. I enjoyed watching Downton Abbey last night (the film). I always have to wait because I can’t go to the cinema. And although I thought of mam and was sad because it is a reminder that she isn’t here to watch it, I also thought of you going to see collections of beautiful things that would have been from that period. I always marvel at the luxury and lifestyle of the few. But I’m also very aware that I would hate having my life mapped out and be obligated to having children and responsibilities and very little freedom. But I would love to have dressed in those beautiful gowns. Very elegant. I also love the details of the running of the house with the ‘servants’. Particularly enjoyed the bit where the server? spoke to The King directly and was humiliated when everyone stared at him in silence because he had not observed his position and dared to voice his opinion (congratulating their own chef).
I remember coming down to London and visiting Madam Tussauds when I was 16. Must have changed since then! I’m always fascinated by the grim side of life, where whole families were chucked in prison because they were so poor they had to steal food or whatever. Was it Hogarth’s depictions of London that brought to life the realities of everyday life for the majority of peeps, drinking gin all day long because the water was so filthy? Loved history at school.
It’s fab that under 21’s go free to the Royal Opera. It used to be such a snobbish thing to do. Times have indeed moved on and for the better.
I really ought to clean Elsie’s fishtank but it is so cold that I’m putting off doing it. It’s a major task and takes a good 2 hours as it’s such a big tank. I have baby snails and lots of new eggs so can’t do the usual slapdash and blast with the hose (through the bathroom window and hallway into the sitting room, window open throughout, lugging buckets of dirty cold water from the tank). Better crack on and jsut get it done. Usually watch a film or Judge Judy. I did enjoy The Nativiy yesterday. Such a funny film with the helper teacher and all the children. Reminds me of always being an angel in the school play. Used to wear my ballet tutu with wings and a headdress. Mam was such a talented girl. Made everything by hand. That’s where I got my crafting bug from. She made her own fabulous wedding dress. I have it carefully bagged in the loft. I miss her so very much it aches.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Just thought I would say a quick hello. Doesnt seem possible that Xmas is nearly here again and the second one without our Mums. Very difficult to get my head round.
Keeping the positivity going this week as I’m back at the National Theatre for the opening press night of Hex which is a musical based on Sleeping Beauty. Should be very good. Red carpet may be out as opening nights attract celebrities.Focusing on one thing at a time and that’s the next.
Will probably watch the World Cup later as England are playing.
Hope the rest of your weekend is a restful and peaceful one.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Still stuck in my bedroom with the curtains shut. Lots of creeping about outside, to and from his van. The air is so cold my nose and fingers are dropping off!
Yes, the second Christmas without mam. I just feel very detached and empty. Won’t be doing any decs and I keep putting off getting the tree for the garden. When I get that it’s like xmas is real but if I delay I won’t have to react to it. Just sobbed all of last xmas. Don’t know what I will feel this time round. The sadness hangs around me all the time. I noticed how ‘downturned’ my mouth has become because I can’t smile. Seems like last xmas was so close I can touch it. Like we have all said, time is a strange creature. It’s not the same as it was. All we can do is concentrate on one day or, like your lovely events, something close by in the near future.
I’m sure you’ll spot a celeb or two for the premier of Hex. Loved sleeping beauty as a kid because I was fixated on long hair because mam cut mine short (like a boy) when I wouldn’t let her brush it and it was a ball of tatts. Don’t like the idea of needing to be rescued though! There was an advert where Beauty bought a ladder, rescued herself, and set up her open salon for styling products. Very girl power!
Won’t be watching the football. As you know, I have no interest in it at all. Heard they were charging £12 a pint and peeps were sleeping in plastic tents in the open with a padlock on the door! But no drinking allowed. Don’t know why anyone would want to go. Heard England are playing against Wales while flicking channels. That’s my knowledge in a nutshell.
Think I might have a snooze until it turns dark. Then everyone will be indoors and not scampering around outside. Just feels like a waste of a day. But I do have The Handmaids Tale tonight with the two women speeding off together in a car so looking forward to that.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil.
Thanks for sharing about how you felt during the build up of your special day and on the day itself.
I have been thinking of the build up for a long time thinking it’s way off, but now it’s almost here. I’m sure Ive probably said loads of times how erratic I have got with time and how it doesn’t mean the same, so please forgive me as I can’t fathom whether it’s grief or just plain scattyness! I know some timings are bothering me like seeing people’s Xmas lights on in the road and even remembering the lights in the hospital A and E. But I’m sure that’s the same for many.
Your going to become a bit of a sought after personality in your own right with all these cultural things you attend! You are going to end of having the red carpet rolled out for you, let alone the stars. I don’t think I’ve a cultured bone in my body. The only “culture” I know of has the words Boy George in front of it and I’m not sure that counts!
It’s doing well for you though, you have a positive tone most often and that’s great. It’s heartening when you say you feel your Mum is there with you sometimes. That’s a wonderful stage to have got to Neil.
Thanks for words of support.
Love and best wishes
xx
Hello Christine
How are you at the moment.
I’m gonna start with your last few lines and say how good it would be if the creep stood on the garden swing and it swung over and chucked him in the bushes. Probably no such luck. Can’t believe he’s taken the dividing fence out. Sounds like a law unto himself. The thing is, is that if you say something to your neighbours they could go and repeat it to him and then he’d refocus his efforts on troubling you. You know the situation best, it’s hard to say but look after yourself in the process.
I’ve had another experience similar to yours over Mum’s space being turned into a tip today, like you I was really upset. I don’t go in every room in the house but today I had to. I’d expected it just to be tidy. Nothing else, just tidy. It was where mum had her hospital bed and is now empty (or was empty). He’d dumped a load of dirty car parts in and tools abd there wasn’t a space on the floor to be seen. Mum would have been devastated. Every room since Mum hasn’t been here is now unfit for visitors. By visitors I mean people like Ambulance etc as no one else comes other than his son who creates as much mess. But no one else sees why I’m upset so I just have to say nowt.
I would have gladly gone to my Nieces. It would have been strange but I would have tried. It’s just that my Brother will just complain that I’m going off and that he’s being treated as an outsider before going on to make me feel incredibly guilty. Then I’d also feel guilty knowing Mum wouldn’t like me leaving him behind so it’s a right situation. It’s 8 hours drive from here as we are in the North West, about 30odd miles north of Manchester. It’s a long way but my sister was on about a two day hotel coach break.
I like the bamboo screen in your garden. That’s exactly what I did between our walls. It’s amazing how much privacy you can actually get from them yet still retain light. They are a great idea. Do you have a security light that you could position away from your house but would come on if he walked past. You’d know then when he was around after dark.
Don’t really know what’s happening next week, I don’t think either one of us wants to bring it up for fear of upset but it’s not something that is flexible, that is the date and that’s that. You wrote something earlier about if you do nothing, you are less likely to be able to want/be capable of doing anything and to be honest that’s me all over. Panic sets in and then I avoid things and just can’t face addressing them. We will go to the Churchyard and take some flowers but it doesn’t seem enough so I’ll have to think of something more meaningful, like you did with your Lanterns etc. I can see what you and Neil mean about the build-up being worse than the day itself. I felt that in other circumstances with losses. It’s almost like a release of pressure. I’m still bothered by many, many things but we all are I think to a degree.
How are you getting on with the cold? I went down town thinking it was fairly mild but after being home for a bit the bitter cold soon descended! I don’t usually go to town but have found myself having to go out quite often as Zoe is just not behaving whilst there’s someone in the house to torment so I break the day up a bit. Brother wouldn’t be impressed as he’s said I’m only here so Zoe won’t be in house on her own. Because I’ve been keeping to the supermarket up until recently I’ve been limited on knowing just how bad these food prices have got all round. The prices have exploded but the size of a biscuit is now bite-size rather than full size! (at least by my standards)!
Thanks again for the photos you share. Love looking.
I’m just gonna get a hot drink, with a biscuit of course.
Speak shortly. Much love xx
Hi Tina,
I really wish you would consider going away just for your own sake and sanity.
Your situation reminds me greatly of my mum and her siblings which I hadn’t seen the similarities before x
My auntie Isobel was the oldest, then mum and then my uncle Jim. There was a big age gap between my auntie and uncle and he had severe mental issues and my granny was very protective of him and when she passed my auntie took him on and wouldn’t live her life as she deserved as she saw it her duty to look after him. Her and mum had some arguments about her living her life for him especially as he showed no respect to her and he lived his life often leaving her just waiting on him…
I so don’t want that to be you Tina as my auntie was the most precious person only second to my mum but she wasted her life on him…I don’t want you to regret things whilst he’s living his life with no consequence x
I am sorry to speak out of turn as of course you know what you need to do in your situation. You deserve respect, love, consideration and gratitude xx
