I have heard of Hex and thought it sounded amazing but then I stopped hearing about it but that would be why if it was pulled because if covid. Bet you’ll look super dapper and so hope you get to walk down the red carpet.
Your positivity concerning your anniversary is putting me at ease for Thursday as that’s mine…16.15 on 8th Dec to be exact. I’m not looking forward to it and may just be kidding myself but so far it’s not filling me with fear like I thought it would. My friend Wendy has taken the day off work incase I need her which is so thoughtful and will see how I feel.
If someone had told me last year that I would survive this year then I would have laughed in their face but I have and it’s largely down to you all here and some great counselling. Like you said doesn’t say the bad days won’t still come and be there but having things to look forward to definitely help.
It will be so nice of you to see your friend and spend some quality time with him. Will you go out for a meal or just a catch up in the house? x
Your upbeat posts have been refreshing and uplifting so thank you and love hearing your positivity x
Loving the pictures and sorry to hear Creep has done one yet…:he really canna take a hint can he???
No I didn’t get my palm read as my friend was more needing a coffee from Costa next door than her fortune being read lol x
I always said I would get my cards read some day but I always fancied going to one in Glastonbury. I’ve thought about it a few times over the years when I’ve been down and keep saying to myself ‘next time’ lol x
Unfortunately badgers shouldn’t be out and about just now as they generally go in to torpor (kinda like a hibernation) and unless feeding should be snoozing until warmer weather comes…lucky bloody them lol x
Sorry to read that your sister has packed and left the garden in a mess but on a plus you’ve been able to save some rocks etc so will be able to make something beautiful out of it x
I see our local village has put up the Xmas tree again and I can see it from mum’s bedroom window. She loved all the lights etc and I thought seeing it would be like a trigger but so far has been quite peaceful seeing it.
In the groomers working tomorrow which I forgot about until this morning so will make for an interesting day.
Had a wee pug puppy handed into the store vets on Saturday as was found running about a busy Main Street as the owners hadn’t noticed it had escaped!! When they did find out where it was it took them over 2.5hrs to come collect her!!! Said they weren’t fit owners and I would have her x
Hi Tina,
I really cannot believe or understand why your brother would bring car parts into the house, especially when you’ve got a garden. What is wrong with him? Is it a case of your mam’s not there to see it so he can do what he wants? I’m not surprised you’re upset. Anybody would be. He’s a disgrace! And having to say nothing just leaves him unchallenged and free to do it all the more. It’s not right at all. I feel so sorry that you have to live with that disrespectful attitude towards you and your mam. And you are not just a babysitter for Zoe. I can’t actually write what I would call him if that was me. They would take my post down! But you can see how angry I am that you have to suffer his nonsense behaviour.
I think taking flowers to your mams grave is fitting but to do something else is good for you too. Whatever that is. I found the harder I tried to do something big the more incapable I was to do it. So pretty flowers and a card was what I did in the end, and that would have been what mam would be happiest with too. I wish you had someone else to spend the day with. Is your sister going to join you. I’m sure you said they fight a lot. Glad to hear that she won’t be quiet around him. I think he knows how desperately unhappy you are without your mam and takes advantage. Just remember we are all here for you Tina. I spent mam’s anniversary on my own and nobody called or texted me. Don’t even know if they did anything for mam. But I was ok. It was a strange calmness that I hadn’t known before. It’s still there, though I do have daily outbursts. Like tonight I cried at Gogglebox because Jamie was doing the stuffing and I remembered mam making xmas dinner. She did it all, every year, without any help. I did dishes and laid the table and carried things in but wasn’t any help cooking. I wish I’d made more effort. Dad always took the sparkle carving the turkey. It wasn’t fair. And mam never complained. I always tried standing up for her but it would cause an argument with dad so I learned to just say nothing. A look says a thousand words. Mam always knew exactly what I was thinking.
I still haven’t done the lanterns and it’s going to start snowing next week (this week for Suzanne). The move is underway and although I keep asking for an end date by which they will have moved I’m not getting any information. Still have to collect the fish for my pond and get the large brolly and some bamboo I can make use of. The pressure is starting to build. They will move away and I will be left behind. My sister has no intention of ever speaking to me or seeing me again. Same with my dad. When I text my other sister her answer is very short and that’s it, doesn’t carry on the conversation. So I will truly be alone and very isolated for xmas. I’m starting to feel the panic. Being alone again terrifies me. I just want mam. I can’t even think about xmas food or any of it.
I think you’re right about telling the neighbour about the fence. I don’t know them and don’t know what reaction I’d get. It’s a private house so not the riffraff I’m surrounded by. There is the fear of not being believed. I will get senor lights all the way along the fence when I get my trellises and bamboo up to raise the height all the way down the garden.
I spent all day in my bedroom with the curtains drawn because he was at home all day. So will have to do the fishtank tomorrow and maybe’s a swim to get me out the house. Starting to feel very anxious again.
Thursday will seem a long way off but it will arrive quickly. There will be a sense of relief afterwards (hope so) and you’ll then have xmas to get through. It feels like it’s one big upset after another. I can’t wait for it all to be over.
Will take pics tomorrow if I can get out there. Hope you are able to get some sleep. Thinking of you.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
OMG! It is the sweetest little poppet! How could they not miss him/her? Some peeps really shouldn’t have pets. I know Porsch is spoilt rotten, and I’m driven mad by her demands, but what’s the point in having an animal if you don’t know where it is and what it’s doing throughout the day? Especially a baby. There was a couple who had a family of rescue puglets and I always made a fuss of them with treats when they walked past the house. So adorable. I’ve heard many peeps have to give up their animals because of the living crisis. Heartbreaking.
I know Thursday will be looming large but feeling a sense of calmness is how I felt too and wondered why I wasn’t reacting in a massively adverse way. Perhaps we have progressed in our journey of grief. I thought I’d be sobbing uncontrollably but I was quite peaceful. I kept waiting for it to hit me but it didn’t. I’m still waiting. I wonder why I’m not sobbing my heart out when I still miss her as much as I did when she first left. Whatever you do on the day will be special and your mam will be with you and see how well you are coping. It’s really kind of your friend to be there for you. Could you do something together that your mam would have enjoyed? It’s going to start snowing up there and next week for us so hope it doesn’t interfere with whatever you plan to do. And if you don’t plan anything that’s ok too. Still waiting to do my lanterns and get mams xmas tree. It’s still not sunk in that it’s Dec and I should be doing/thinking about xmas stuff. I’m pleased your mam could see the xmas lights from her window. It must be comforting having that continuity, that you can enjoy what your mam enjoyed. Being cut off from the family means I can’t visit the house or be surrounded by any of the things mam held dear, like her teapots and china. I 'm starting to really panic again about being alone.
I was just saying to Tina that I have more bits to collect from the garden before the move is final and will take the fish too. I’ll try to photograph what I’ve done over the last few days and post tomorrow. The fairy dell has started taking shape and I’ve distributed the potted plants around the garden and tidied the patio. Can’t believe I’ll be out there potting up my bulbs in the freezing cold mid-week when I get my compost. That’s how far removed I am from reality. I’m just not where I should be. Mam always kept me focused on what I should be doing throughout the year.
Enjoy all your animals. It must be lovely working with little beasts all day long. They are what they are, without any agenda (other than snuffling out treats). I’ll be thinking of you.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne
Glad you said when your Mums anniversary was. Was going to ask you. Will be here to support you on Thursday 8th. I know we are all close together in our losses- first Christine, then me last week, yourself and Tina. We all have our own anniversary soon of when we found each other on here!
Will be going to the cinema tomorrow too, Aftersun which won several awards at the BFI independent film awards last night . Rave reviews and cheap ticket as I’m a member at the Prince Charles cinema . I can then go and watch Hex straight after. Even though its press night I will be just another audience member , wont be on the red carpet😄. All the theatre reviewers will be there and probably a few celebs in the expensive seats!
Will catch up later and will be checking in with you on your Mums anniversary
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Apologies, I was going to come on over the weekend and post some pictures. I have put some lights out and some decorations I feel comfortable with.
But unfortunately Peggy my eldest cat went downhill again so took her to the emergency vet yesterday. She has congestive heart failure causing fluid on the lungs. He has given her some medicine to hopefully ease the fluid and have a comfortable few days at home but to realise this is now palliative care fore her. She may have a few days, maybe a couple of weeks but I know I have to make the call when I see she is stressed and no quality.
I keep asking Mum to come and take her in her sleep. I can’t bear the thought of losing her, of losing another soul from the house. After a relative good couple of months I feel back to rock bottom, shaking, anxiety and full of fear.
Trying to take one moment at a time
Sorry to come on with such low mood and news but I wanted you to know
Hi Beki,
I am so sorry to hear about Peggy. I know you were expecting her time to come soon but it’s still devastating news. I hope she goes peacefully in her sleep too but if not you will do what is necessary and your mam will be there to greet her. Your other cats will really miss her. I’m balling my eyes out! I’m just so sorry you have to deal with another loss when it is already so hard. I’m not at all surprised you feel so awful. Don’t be sorry for expressing how you are feeling. That is the point of this group and we are all here for you. You’ve had a good run recently, like riding the crest of a wave, and so when you fall again you fall just as hard as the first time. Bobbing along and then whoosh, it takes you under.
I woke up crying today. Didn’t help being trapped in my bedroom yesterday with the creep at home, but that is a usual weekly routine. But it’s hitting home that my sister and family are moving this week and will be gone and I will be left alone. I never thought it would actually happen. She clearly doesn’t want me to be involved. I don’t know what is going on as she won’t contact me. I don’t even have the new address. It will be up to my niece to keep in touch, or not. My dad has been involved and to the new house and made no attempt to contact me. My other sister is so brief in her text response that it’s not worth me trying again. I long to not wake up. I can’t bear the thought of another xmas without mam. I imagined her walking down my garden this morning when I was brushing my hair. I want to tell her how devastated I am to live without her. I don’t know how long I can keep pretending that I’m ok because I’m not. Wondered why I wasn’t reacting to xmas and the move. I’ve been putting it off but now can’t hide from it anymore. I was on here earlier and didn’t want to post how I felt because I know how hard this week is for Suzanne and Tina. It doesn’t get easier like we think it is. Not when it’s here again just as hard as it’s ever been. I have to keep going for my Porscha. She’s playing up again because I wasn’t paying her enough attention when I was lugging buckets of fishtank water back and forth.
I keep doing segments of time, to try to get through each bit. Will watch The Crown again before I clean the bathroom. I find it soothing.
Kisses to Peggy. I’ll be thinking of her. It’s so upsetting and I’ve never even met her! Every cat is adorable and has their own little foibles. Like you say, making her comfortable and giving lots of love along with the medicine is what is needed. And keep posting. One of us will be around. I’ll pop back in later. Already feel a bit better than before.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
I love that we should all celebrate finding each other on here. I hadn’t thought of it but it makes complete sense. Was just saying to Beki that the whole xmas and my sisters move has really hit me hard today. Woke up crying after not a lot of sleep. Think I was kidding myself that I was further along in this ‘journey’, hiding from grief so as not to feel the pain. It’s always there, like a dull ache, a constant reminder of the truth. But the pain is back and I have to get through it in chunks of time. Feel the timing is all wrong because Tina and Suzanne have their anniversaries Thursday. It’s a delayed reaction with being busy around the move. But I do already feel better for posting. I just feel so alone without my mam. It’s clear my sister doesn’t want any contact with me. I haven’t been given the new address. If my niece doesn’t contact me I won’t even know where they are and will never see them again. I feel totally abandoned. Mam was the only one who loved me. It’s so clear now.
Enjoy your cinema tomorrow. You are an inspiration to us all with your strength and determination to keep focused. Look forward to the pics. And be camera ready for any celebs!
Lots of love xxx
Thank you so much @christine51 I feel so alone and scared by it all. After a couple of months of doing okay I am back to shaking, appetite gone, heart palpitations, tears. I haven’t cried this hard since I was in the cathedral in Barcelona.
Am sat and the computer and will try and get on with work. At least I don’t have to leave the house for work.
Like you, will try and just take moments as they come and try and do segments at a time.
I can only speak for myself and appreciate the consideration but don’t feel you can’t express yourself for fear of upsetting me as I am actually doing ok just now and the fact that you have even though of me has made me feel special so thank you.
I can’t begin to imagine knowing that your family is moving away feels like but they are just thoughtless and don’t deserve your concern. When I had to update my emergency contact at work it dawned on me that cause I don’t know where half my family even are that I would have to put my friend down and that made me very sad originally but that was months ago and now I look at it as I should be happy I actually have someone to put down. Even if they are not near you anymore you aren’t alone I can assure you if that but feeling lonely is something different x
You are defo aren’t alone even thought we aren’t physically with you x
Beki…you are one of the most resilient people I have the great fortune of knowing and losing a loved pet is as great a loss as a person so it will be taking it’s toll at the thought of losing Peggy. She will let you know when she is ready to go and your grandad will be with you soon.
You will bounce back when you are ready to and meanwhile we’re all here for you and Peggy x
Hi Beki,
That is all we can do so as not to become totally overwhelmed. Recognise your achievements and allow yourself time when you cannot be strong. We can’t be doing well all of the time. It had to hit some time. It seems we are drowning again together. But we will get through it, like we have many times this last year. And like you said, working from home allows you to do what you do in private and not have to put on a brave face to the rest of the world. Hats off to all those who have to go out there and get through the day amongst peeps who have no clue what it is like until it happens to them.
Whatever gives you some comfort or reprieve is valuable. Never thought I’d enjoy watching The Crown. Mam kept telling me it was good and I’d enjoy it but I kept putting off. Wish I’d done it when she was still here, like so many things. Just so we could enjoy chatting about it all.
Feeling very lost and still haven’t heard from my niece as to what is happening with the move. I was always the one in the family to be in the thick of it all, whatever was happening, organising things and ferrying peeps around. Feeling very excluded, which I clearly am. I have nobody thinking of me, wondering how I am, phoning me to chat or whatever. I couldn’t even face going in the garden or booking a swim today. Been dipping in and out of sleep. Had to pop the heating on this afternoon as it was bitterly cold. Being stuck inside all winter will do my head in as I’m so isolated. At least you have your Grandad to look forward to over the xmas. You’ll enjoy his company and remembering your mam. That is something to cherish.
Keep going. You aren’t on your own in this. I’m there with you. And we’ll all find xmas incredibly hard. I’ve been having panic attacks trying to go to sleep and waking up. Heart racing, gripped by fear until it subsides. I am terrified of dying alone but it is my reality. Nobody would even know. I relied on mam to be my everything without even knowing it. I wonder if she knew how lost I would be without her.
Whatever work you achieve is a bonus when you’re feeling like this so be kind to yourself. That’s what I keep hearing and it makes sense.
Lots of love xxx
Large pot at the corner to the pond has been untangled so climbers go up and onto pergola and ivy travels along to the next post, creating a nesting area for frogs.
Must dash now as I’m not dressed yet for therapy this afternoon. Will be going to collect bits from the garden afterwards so will be on the hunt for more rocks and fairy folk. Will see you all later. Feeling heaps better after getting out in the garden. It really is a tonic.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Beki
Just looking through the posts from yesterday . So very sorry to hear about Peggy. My thoughts and prayers are with you xx
Love and best wishes
Neil
Thanks all for you kind words. As we often say - it is shit!
Peggy is comfy but frail. I phoned some vets today but they all want to make appointments for at home euthanasia, some into next week and I can’t face making an appointment of it. I also don’t know if I can face having Peggy put to sleep in our living room where Mum also died. It’s all so complicated and heartbreaking.
I have the shivers and sweats again, the tears. Appetite gone. Concentration shot.
The boiler man came this morning and hopefully that is all fixed now.
And don’t know but seeing Kirstie Alley has died has really shook me. A really funny actress and she looked so well. She was the same age as Mum too, reminded me of her.
Hi Suzanne,
You most certainly are very special to me, as are all of you. I really do consider you friends. I find it odd saying that because none of us have ever met and are unlikely to (given my anxiety for one) but I suppose friendships change in the technical age in which we live. Sound like such an old fogey! I do always feel so much better for having a chat here, even though I have to wait for a reply. I think being able to express and get it out of myself is a process equal to chatting it over with a mate over a cuppa, or a pint! I just was aware of this week being very special and hard for you and Tina. It’s hit me like a ton of bricks but I’m feeling a lot better after today, having collected my garden bits (scavenged more bamboo and some bricks but not many, the massive brolly (a bit torn but I will cover the whole thing in net and drape it for the sun) and some wooden posts I can certainly make use of. Will collect the fish another day.
The move has really unsettled me and I had a chat with my niece and nephew today about it. I feel abandoned and they will move and I will never see them again, even though it is only a half hour drive. But they assure me that I will see them. My nephew is working the whole time but said he would like to meet up and do the lanterns on his day off after the move is final. They’re still ferrying bits over and lots yet to get done. He asked if I would take his stuff over because I have a big car (all the seats go down and it’s like a mini van. I only bought it, a 7 seater, to fit them all in going over to mam and dads). At first I said no, that I have been ignored for a year and my sister hasn’t even said if I can go to the new house. I feel used and knew this was coming because I would be the first one to be involved in a move or anything involving transporting stuff around. Don’t know why my dad isn’t hiring a van and skip for all the shit in the garden. But I have agreed to the one trip because it isn’t for my sis and it’s just my nephew’s stuff in boxes. I really do feel so isolated and excluded. My dad is going over there to help tomorrow. He has to pass my house to get top the house. My niece and nephew agree with how I feel and say they would feel the same. So I have expressed and been understood. Very difficult because it is their mam and grandad.
I am so isolated that I don’t have a friend to call on for help and have no next of kin. Will have to update things and put my niece down. Will have to update my will so that everything is split between the two of them. They are the only ones who haven’t been unkind to me. When my niece goes to uni I won’t see anyone.
As long as I have contact and get out and about I’m ok. I don’t feel lonely at all and living alone is my being independent. I like being in control of my life, organising my time etc but to have no interaction, no human contact, has a very deteriorating effect after a while. It’s not like I’m clingy at all. I just cannot fathom why I am treated unkindly and that it doesn’t make sense. The thought of dying alone and not being found must be a common thing for peeps who are as isolated as I am. Sure the nosy buggars all around me would notice though.
Have you had any snow yet? I’m obsessed now with the cold, just because it’s turned so quickly. Going to be minus 1 and 2 this next week. Will be good to get my bulbs done tomorrow if my compost comes early enough. Will have a tidy up of the garden as well after bringing bits over today.
Look out for my next post on garden bits as I didn’t get finished before therapy. Oh, my therapist says the creep removing the fence panel is a peculiar one as it has to be lifted out of the cement block it sits on and all the fixtures have been removed. I need to check to see if he’s fixed it back again. But I was told not to contact the neighbour and tell them what he has done to me and what I presume he is doing to them. It’s bloody obvious he’s spying on them, given that the panel isn’t broken and has been removed and is the only one, and at the angle it is at. Thinking of fixing sensor lights to the posts all the way along my fence coming down the garden so they’ll go on when he’s creeping in the dark. The whole saga with the loft is another thing my family had no understanding or sympathy about. Just can’t fathom the way I am treated.
Must pop the heating on. I’ve created a bed for Porsch next to me and loves it, being cocooned in a nest of wool cardies on a night. Here she is just waking up this morning.
Hi Beki,
It certainly is shit! Why do the vets want to do this at your home? I completely understand about you not wanting that to happen. At least if it is done at the vets it is away from you and won’t be done in a room in your home for you to then make memories of which you don’t want. I’m so very sorry that you are faced with having to deal with this. Suzanne is right about our pets being like people. I think of Porscha as my baby (she is certainly demanding like one!) Just posted a pic of her in my reply to Suzanne. She is very old (about 17 and a half I think) and I cannot imagine the trauma of having to wake up and not have her next to me. I won’t have a reason to get up. I’m pleased you have your other cats so that the house won’t be empty when the time comes. I’ve realised that with anything that is hard there is the initial reaction but if you sit with it it will settle and you can imagine your mam there with you to guide and comfort you. And there is the comfort of knowing Peggy will be with your mam when her time comes. She won’t be alone. I keep remembering the phrase that it is because we love that we feel the pain and loss so deeply. And Peggy is truly loved. She will know that and just want as many cuddles from you and pampering as you can give. She is a lucky girl to be so loved. Sorry Beki, this is so upsetting. Will pop back again later. It’s because I can imagine having to let go of my Porscha and I’m terrified of it.
Lots of love to you and little Peggy xxx
I had a random parcel come through the post this week was it you that sent it. I guessed it probably was.
It looks as if you will find out your sister’s new address as your helping your nephew move some of his things. I hope they both keep their promise and keep seeing you.
It’s odd what the creep has done with the fence panel, but everyone is right, best not to say anything just observe what happens. Security lights on your fence are a good idea, just don’t be freaked out by a strange cat setting them off.
Porsche looks very at home on her new bed. It’s sad about Beki’s cat Peggy, it reminds me of when our cat Toffee died, he had breathing problems and wouldn’t eat, just sat either on my knee, or so close by me on the sofa. I couldn’t go to the vets when he was put to sleep, our son had to go with Doug.
I cried for days. I remember Doug saying will you be that upset when I go, if he only knew, I expect he does.
Glad you have been able to get out in the garden , love you little fairies and the fairy Village. I hope you manage to get everything out of your sisters garden before she leaves. It’s going to be colder next week so you should just about get your bulbs planted ready for the spring. You haven’t been able to get your outside Christmas tree yet.
It’s been a bit of a strange couple of weeks for me, feeling very quiet and weepy. My youngest granddaughter is struggling which is not helping and this week I’ve had problems with my UC for the first time ever. My employer hasn’t sent tax details through to HMRC this month, so UC thought I hadn’t worked and called me in for an interview. They agreed to do it by phone as I’m obviously am working, but the frustration of work blaming HMRC, and them blaming work, I’m just going around in circles.
I used to be able to deal with these things, but now I just get upset, I’ve even had a moan at Doug for leaving me, if he was still here I would have never needed to claim UC.
Life is certainly unfair and never easy. The trouble is when I feel down, I just don’t want to talk just go into myself.
It’s a good job we have each other to talk to.
Look forward to more photos of your garden
Sending love
Debbie x
Hi Neil
I enjoyed seeing your photos, and it’s good to see you getting out and about. Enjoy Hex tonight, even if you don’t make it to the red carpet.
I must be one of the very few people that isn’t watching any of the world cup even England games. My son tell me if England do make the final it will be the same day and time as our church carol service. He couldn’t understand when I said they wouldn’t cancel it just because of a football match.
How are your flowers doing from your mum’s anniversary, are you keeping them blooming like you did for your dad’s.
Look forward to hearing which famous people you met tonight.
Sending love
Debbie x
It’s quite accurate what you say. I can see what you mean with the similarities. Just feel so used and abused that I have subconsciously accepted this treatment and attitude from him as a valid judgement. Could have just sobbed tonight after more of the same but there’s no point at all.
x
x
x
