Hi Beki
There is a lot of shit about at the moment isn’t there.
I get what you mean about Kirstie Alley and Irene Cara from Fame as well. I kind of remember them as they were at the last time I saw them on TV and then am shocked at how many years have passed. Then I remember we’ve aged too. Time is so surreal in some ways.
You’ve got a lot to cope with Beki, on top of other things, so make sure you check that you are ok too. xx
Hi Debbie,
It was me! I hope you can do your lanterns with the family and celebrate Doug with loving wishes whenever the weather is good. Could do them for xmas. Just thought it was a nice gesture to all of our loved ones (wish Neil would join in too). I still haven’t done mine but hope to soon, fitting it in around the move. It depends on how anxious and afraid I am about feeling left behind as to whether I feel like I’ll never see them again or that the drive isn’t that far and we can continue to do stuff like swimming and going out on the bikes. I did feel very used when my nephew first asked me to ferry him over but it is for him and not my sister. Will really hit home when they finally move out.
It is very upsetting hearing about Peggy. I remember when my little Mercedes didn’t survive his op and I was crying for weeks. Porsch would run away and turn her back on me because she didn’t like sharing and I think she was glad he was gone. I was devastated.
I wondered why you’d gone quiet. I thought maybe you were really busy with work. And having to jump through hoops with an interview because someone hasn’t done their job is frustrating but upsetting too because it is a reminder of your life now, though I’m sure he will be watching over you feeling very proud. I find it doesn’t take much for me to fall apart. I’ve been crying for mam again, being set off by the most random things. As long as I’m keeping busy I’m ok. But the creep at home on a weekend means I’m trapped in my bedroom with the curtains closed. I just can’t function and all I want to do is be with mam. But then I pick myself up again, like today, and got out there and took some pics and felt so much better for it. It’s such a bumpy road. The lows are so devastating that all we can is hold on knowing it will run its course. We just need to hang on. And having a go at Doug made me smile! Imagine what he’d say and he’s back with you again. Life is so hard now. All we can do is take comfort in the little things. When I’m devastated again about mam everything slides away. I don’t get dressed or do dishes etc. I sleep. It’s comforting watching The Crown. like being cocooned in another world.
Think of me tomorrow planting bulbs if my compost arrives (still haven’t had a text yet). It’s going to be freezing (1 or 2 degrees) from Thursday onwards so I only have tomorrow to tidy up and finish everything apart from the trellises. Will check tomorrow on the creep’s fence panel (it’s not even his fence) to see if he’s fixed it back. Will keep an eye. I asked my therapist why peeps like him spy on others in the dark and it’s all about power and the satisfaction of watching someone and them not knowing he’s doing it. He must be freezing. I heard him going out there a few times tonight.
I hope you start feeling a bit more hopeful soon. You have a wonderful family who love and support you. It’s just hard when the grief hits. It comes in waves and I feel like I’m drowning and just want to be with mam, like I have no resilience left in me to keep going. But I can recover as quickly as it hits. So unpredictable.
My niece gave me a lovely toy today. She’d had it for ages and because of mam I couldn’t accept any gifts (still can’t because I can’t celebrate when she isn’t here). She’d discovered it in her room while she was packing up. I nearly cried. I’m not used to such kindness after the year I’ve had. I’ll take a pic and post it tomorrow. It’s ‘very me’ and I agree.
I hope your little granddaughter settles soon. She’ll have all her xmas parties and lovely things to look forward to. Life is hard at any age. Some people appear to sail through life unaffected but I think they’re frantically swimming under the water and all we see is them gliding along like a swan. Peeps think children have an easy life but they don’t their worries are very real. She’s lucky to have such a wonderful Grandma!
I’ll take more pics tomorrow and post unless I get caught in the dark which is usually what happens. I wonder how I’ll get through the winter, not just xmas, being stuck in the house so much. I’ll have to get my textiles out and start sewing again.
I’ll be thinking of you. I always find posting here helps me get the feelings out and it’s a relief. After a little time I can move on from them. It’s like being set free.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
I came to write a reply to you but have just done a quick line or two to Zanna and Beki and I can feel my eyes closing through being worn out so wondered if you’d not be offended if I dropped you a line later. Just feel incredibly exhausted and tired all of a sudden.
Thankyou and much love xx
Hi Tina,
Honestly, don’t be sorry that you aren’t up to a huge reply. I’m so pleased just to see that you are here. I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing with the anniversary getting closer. Your brother seems to need to vent his anger and frustration on you and it’s so not fair. It’s no wonder you have no strength to fight. Just let his words wash over you and allow your mind to become vacant when he starts. Go to a place of comfort with your mam and block out his words. It will create a barrier, and, with practice, you won’t even hear him. I think it’s his way of fighting grief. Let him carry on. He has no clue what is going on inside of your head. He can’t read your thoughts. I imagine me and mam in the old garden in the summer, stopping for a break after doing some weeding and pruning, eating hot scones she’s just made with a cuppa. It makes me cry but is also the happy place I always go to to remember us together. I bet you have so many happy memories to call on. You could make a list for when you need them. Having a sleep will renew your energy for tomorrow. And even if you can’t post, know that I’m thinking of you while I’m freezing in the garden trying to get jobs finished before the arctic weather hits. Look out for a parcel to make you smile!
Lots of love xxx
Hi everyone
Thought I would share a few photos from my theatre last night. Hex is certainly dividing the critics but I would give it a favourable review. A musical of Sleeping Beauty with some themes of cannibalism and other very strange things going on. Really funny and enjoyable even if some of it doesnt quite work !
Press night is mainly for reviewers from newspapers,TV and social media sites but does attract celebrities. I saw one or two being photographed but had no clue who they were- reality TV shows probably. I was pretty positive I saw Kevin Clifton and was there on his own wearing his trainers like us normal people and he was sitting in the cheaper seats .
All in all a very good evening.
Love and best wishes to you all
Neil x
Hello Christine
Just thought I’d read everything what’s gone on before I write any replies as things can change so much so quickly can’t it.
I love the newest pictures. I was intrigued with the little dolls pram. It’s quite a piece! I don’t know how you can feel your fingers after a session in the garden right now. You need to treat yourself with a hot toddy, a lovely sticky toffee hot pudding and then a little cuddle with Porsche next to a hot fire. That would be my ideal but I’ve turned into a bit of a mardy-arse where cold is concerned. I love that you got some unusual things in your garden, they are really intriguing and add character. You could have thought “sod it” I’m too disheartened to carry on (like me), but you just keep pushing on, good on you for your spirit.
Zoe has been absolutely ragging me to bits recently. Not literally although that isn’t an impossibility! This morning I put some grated cheese in a bowl at the back of the kitchen top but she was misbehaving outside, I went to coax her in through the window only to find she’d eaten the cheese. She won’t drink tap water so I found her breaking up the thick ice in the garden and running around with that in her mouth. I’m losing the struggle with her as she’s strong-willed and bigger now. Of course she is all icing sugar and moonbeams when he comes home so he thinks I’m exaggerating how bad she’s been. I shouldn’t complain though because Zoe is one of the few pieces of glitter in the dirt-pile that has become life. I am thankful as it could have been a different story after she found a hidden strip of ibuprofen just a few days before Mum’s service last year.
I’m glad you got a bit more contact with your niece/nephew. It could be the start of something positive. I truly hope so. I’m also glad you’ve managed to get all the bits from their garden. I do get what you mean about your Mam being the type to look after her things and stuff in general like the brollies etc. Mine was the same and I can see how it being now would have affected you. Sadly in life general I think it’s a generation thing. I remember (as I’m sure you do) that jumble sales/car boots/charity shops were full of barely useable things as people used to get so much use out of their items but now they change their furniture and possessions on a whim. But that’s me getting old!
Brother is at work til 3 30pm today so hope I can get a fair bit done but if I can only tidy so much as he says I’m interfering but if I leave him to it I then have (in his words) done nothing and have no self-respect. Can’t win really. It’s not new, he’s been this way for many years.
We were never a fan of socialising at Xmas so won’t miss that at all. I don’t really know how I’ll be as it all under the veil of shock last year. I keep getting my days mixed up to as the anniversary is just a day away, then the 1 year bubble will have popped and it will be like a different existence again. Sorry if all that sounds a bit morbid. We’ll go with flowers and a card and also a wreath on Christmas day - but it still all seems like a different persons life and circumstances if you know what I mean.
Mums cousin passed away 5 months after Mum and she had a son and daughter the same age as us. It will be their 1st Christmas without their Mum and although we don’t and haven’t spoken I don’t know whether it’s appropriate to send them an acknowledgement card that we’ve thought of them. What would you do? Just seems an odd situation and I don’t really know how to approach it.
I’m just going to sign off now to check on something but will try and get back later.
Just something you said about replies to posts, don’t forget you and Neil are always welcome to talk on WhatsApp. You can chat as little or often or even not at all, whatever takes your fancy. Or even just put up photos and videos. It’s just the same as here but is also a huge help when you feel so crap and just need a little chat immediately.
Catch you later Christine. Much love xx
Hi Neil
Just a quickie to say I loved the pictures.
Never heard of Hex but glad you’d had a good time. Could anyone go or did you have to be invited?
You are moving in some high places Neil
Much love xx
Hi Christine,
Love all the garden photos and some look like mum’s garden ornaments as she was obsessed with the shop Past Times and kept buying them from there lol x think I have so many fairies with no wings and even one with it’s head glued back on I think after being decapitated by a lawn mower 
x
No snow as of yet up here but there are warnings of snow and ice up and down the road but will believe it when it happens x I actually think it’s warmer outside than it is in the house. I hate putting the heater on but I’ll be buggered if I’m coming home to freeze…but Cal and the buns would be moaning x
Yeah I agree with the others in that I wouldn’t even acknowledge Creep…his kind will always get what’s coming to them and then you can laugh 
x
I know it’s a daunting prospect that you won’t see your niece and nephew after they move but you will especially when they get older and move from underneath your sister’s gaze. However I know what you mean and I must update my will too as don’t want the government getting anything lol x I was talking to my goddaughter/niece the other day and I was just saying that I didn’t know what to get her sister and cousin (my other nieces) and she says ‘hmmm don’t know but remember I’m your closest family member now …’ and I’m like ‘ok but that’s not what I asked’ x she cracks me up and then she walks into work today and declares ‘granny (my mum) is playing tricks on me as she’s hidden one of my earrings’ and I said ‘probably cause she’s still hidden my ring’ and you could see people looking at each other like they have lost the plot lol x
You will see your niece and nephews but maybe need to embrace some of the modern technology you were talking about and FaceTime them 
x
Hi Neil,
So when you say the reviews are divided what are the ones who don’t like it so much saying?
Do you think it will be a success? I am intrigued as to how they can get cannibalism into Sleeping beauty lol x
I’m with you in that if their ‘celebs’ were reality folk I wouldn’t know who they were either. The word celeb is used a wee bit too liberally these days in my opinion lol x
The photos look great and love the lights outside.
How are you doing this freezing Wednesday? x hopefully doing ok today and is it today your friend is coming to visit or have I made that up? x
I’m going to get my tea as very hungry so will catch up with you soon 
x
Tina, I am not a violent person but would make an exception for your brother…you deserve respect, love and gratitude for what you do in ‘his’ house and for ‘his dog’. You are so special and deserve so much more xx
Hi Suzanne.
I thought the critics would be a bit sniffy with their reviews as there is some seriously strange stuff going on( like a grandmother wanting to eat her grandchildren!). Very funny though and a great reaction from the audience
Spoke to my mate earlier and has coming down to visit me next Tuesday so will be looking forward to it.
Will be checking in with you tomorrow.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina
Just bought tickets as normal for the show. The critics were there last night and a few celebs apparently but was good to see the first night of a show for a change and was very enjoyable.
Will check in with you tomorrow
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
Being a horror fan I would have loved a bit of canibalism in the show! The set looks amazing. It really must transport you to another world when you are there. I think not recognising reality ‘celebs’ is a given at our age! I wouldn’t have a clue either. Loved Big Brother and now Gogglebox but didn’t enjoy the one where everyone is getting off with everyone else and loving themselves so much that everything is fake, including all the plastic surgery. Can’t remember the name and that rather sums it up because it’s a huge ongoing series.
Didn’t realise the theatre was so huge. I think you’d love it if there was a job behind set, being involved in it all. I’ll have to Google the show later on. I’m so tired off the garden but will post pics later on and let you know what I think of Hex if there’s a trailer to watch.
Is it more exciting being out in the evening? I think it would be. Thanks again for the pics. I always love to see what everyone is doing.
Love Island!
Lots of love xxx
Made the tough call today. Had a vet come to the house to put Peggy to sleep. I wanted her to be at home and not stressed by going into a vets.
Have been feeling awful as you know the last days and bawled on my nightly call to granddad last night so he has come down and was here when the vet came.
The vet was very kind and gentle. It was peaceful, Peggy didn’t even notice. I cuddled all afternoon and throughout and she purred and cuddled in to me
We have buried her in the garden, wrapped in her fleece wrap and some lavender I had by mums casket which has never lost its colour in a pillowcase of mums.
Lots of tears today and feel wrung out. Just going to spend the evening on the sofa watching tv with granddad
Beki xx
Hi Suzanne,
Had a good day in the garden and will post pics later on as I’m so knackered! My compost didn’t turn up so I’m now chasing my tail trying to find out why the payment is still pending in paypal. So frustrating as today was my last day before the artic weather arrives to plant my bulbs. I did the fairies and was trying to remember the shop. So many pressies from the children because she loved her fairy dell. The wings were always knocking about wanting to be glued back on. Mam was so precious about them she kept all the boxes and they’d all be taken into the outbuilding and put away until Spring. Buggar that! They’re out there underfleece for the plants and they’ll be fine. I thought I’d be upset but I was ok and fixed on trying to get everything done.
I discovered the creep has a large mirror hanging on the shed wall facing my garden, next to the ladder he can climb up to get a better look over the fence. The gaps between the fences where the tree is means he can sit in his house and watch me in that gap without me even knowing. Don’t know how long it’s been there. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of taking a pic.
I had planned on going over to collect the fish tomorrow but my sis will be at the house to pack up and my dad is going Friday to ferry stuff to the skip (don’t know why he doesn’t just hire an actual skip for all the shit in the garden). My niece is always busy on a weekend and I will be trapped in my bedroom as usual on Sunday when the creep is at home. Every time I have made plans it doesn’t work out. So annoying. Makes me very anxious not knowing what is going on and if there is a final move out date.
I do feel better knowing they aren’t far away in terms of driving time but they still aren’t anywhere near me. I will feel totally alone because I am. Have never face timed yet so might try if I have no other option. I’ll be fine as long as I can meet up and do stuff a few times a week. It’s the thought of doing everything alone or just not leaving the house that frightens me.
I think your niece is rather chuffed that she’s your closest person. We always assume that the life we had within the family was going to last forever. It’s so traumatic knowing I am alone in life and always will be because I can’t get out into the world.
Brace yourself for that snow forecast. We have it next week. I had to pop the heating on when I came in at about 4.30. Felt better after a hot bath.
Will post pics after some food.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Beki,
OMG! I’m so upset and bawling my eyes out with your news but it is the kindest thing to do and if she didn’t notice and wasn’t stressed it would just be like going to sleep forever. I’m absolutely devastated for you. I’m pleased you have your grandad with you. And to bury her in the garden means she will be close to you and will know you are with her everyday. It’s what I will do with Porsch when her time comes. I am so very sorry Beki. I’m not surprised you are wrung out. You are lucky to have your grandad. I’ll have to do it on my own. I’m absolutely balling my eyes out. Peggy knows she was loved and that’s what matters. She’s had a good life with you and it was her time. I know nothing will make a difference to your deep sadness but what you have done today means she isn’t suffering any more. I know she waited until you got back from your trip. She would have sensed it would happen soon and wanted to spend time with you before she left to be with your mam. The others will miss her terribly. Just let it wash over you and cry. What else can you do?
Sending you lots and lots of extra love. Be thinking of you xxx
Hi Beki,
Do you have a ‘mail room’ or ‘rear door’ for parcels? Hope so ! xxx
Thank you for the lanterns Christine, it’s a lovely thoughtful thing for you to do.
It must be very frustrating that your compost didn’t turn up, I don’t do PayPal alway pay by debit or credit card so I know it’s gone through. Can’t believe the bare faced cheek of the creep to put a mirror up in his garden pointing your way, he really needs to get caught.
Just treated myself to a revitive for knees, I have really bad arthritis, now it’s cold it’s really painful walking or even standing for a long while. Someone I know has used one and recommends them, so I thought why not blow the expense if it helps it will be well worth it.
Having it delivered to local Lloyds chemist for me to collect, don’t trust it not to be delivered by evrie. Their track record had not been good lately, luckily my next door neighbour keeps a eye out and collects any parcels just left on my doorstep. So thankful to her, I’m going get them a bottle of wine for Christmas to say thank you.
Just looked at the weather, going to be snow showers, I hope we don’t get them here I hate walking to work when it’s slippery, frightened of falling on my bum in front of the students, I don’t bounce like I used too.
Going to my daughter’s for tea tomorrow than going to watch my dancing granddaughter in a GCSE dance showcase at her school. She is applying to performing arts schools at the moment, instead of going into the sixth form at her school next year.
Nearly made it to the end of term, just next week to go, tomorrow is Christmas jumper day so just going to get mine out ready. I’ll need it Friday too, it’s our Christmas lunch at the community centre we all have to look christmassy, I even have a hair band with snowflakes antlers on.
Speak again soon
Sending love
Debbie x x
Sending love and hugs Beki, we are all with you. I’m glad grandad is staying with you. Now Peggy is with your mum they will both be watching over you.
Sending love
Debbie xx
Hi Beki
So very sorry to hear about Peggy. Our pets are part of the family and it is always devastating to lose them . You must be devastated. At least she is at peace now and not suffering and knew that you loved her so very much
Again so sorry for you and please know we are all here for you , always.
Thinking of you this evening and sending all my love
Neil x
