Christine…I know it’s not the same but you can talk about your mum to us (as you all can) all you want xx
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Hi Suzanne,
Glad your covid test is improving. I’ve not had my car back today because I need the brakes doing (knew I did) so I should get it back tomorrow. Been at mine waiting all day with dad because he drove me back to wait to pick it up. I was just saying to Neil I’ve had an awful day with dad, though inbetween the awful bits we did lots - sorted tools in the shed, sat in the garden for a cuppa, looked around the garden, made a new order for plants (love you to pick my brains any day about plants), had lunch etc.
The awful bits is when dad cannot control what he is saying despite me telling him about the creep listening and watching everything I do. Dad will not be told and will not return here because he has no freedom of speech, despite understanding the reasons why. He just gets angry when I say ‘no, don’t’. I cannot discuss money, details of work, addresses, etc. The creep was there until lunch time but I cannot guarantee if he records my conversation when he isn’t there. I know how that sounds (like I’m the nutter) but I’ve seen so much stuff on the internet after my therapist told me he works with this every day and knows the equipment and what it can do. I don’t know if that is happening but I don’t want him having any more info than he does already (having had access to my house over a period of time). My dad thinks it’s so far fetched, like a film, that I showed him real posts of people living in the loft or spying from there just to prove it does really happen. He accepted it was real. But that didn’t stop him getting angry and then refusing to talk about anything else. He just kept saying he couldn’t live like this. And I said he doesn’t have to. I do. I will not move and start again. It is so difficult to prove. So despite knowing everything he still cannot accept that he just cannot talk about private stuff. Surely it isn’t that hard. But then he said he didn’t want me talking about mam and that was the same as me stopping him talking about what he wanted to say. So I said if you didn’t want me talking about mam you should have said so. He hadn’t got upset but threw that at me when he was told again to not talk about money. So having a row throughout the day will have been heard by the neighbours and the creep if he is recording my conversations. I wish I didn’t have to live like this but this is my reality. My sister doesn’t believe anything I say about the creep and my situation and dad believes her over me, despite the fact that I do not tell lies (why would I) and the council had to rebuild the loft wall. It’s as if that didn’t happen. I think everyone in the family would rather believe that I am just mental than accept that this is a true situation and because I didn’t record him climbing through the wall I couldn’t prove what he’d done. It is infuriating not being believed and then to be angry at me when I have to stop the conversation and talk about something else. It’s not as if I’m quiet and have nothing to say. I talk too much and am too opiniated for everyone in the family (apart from mam), This just makes me so upset because I can’t tell mam what is happening. She was always on my side and believed everything because it is true and I do not have any interest in anybody around me to be making up stories (I don’t understand who would do that and what they would get out of it). Won’t be able to go to therapy tomorrow without my car so cannot talk to anyone about this. I am now worried that the nosy neighbours will have heard us arguing and now be gossiping about me (as usual). I just give up trying. I actually asked dad what it was about me that he finds so intolerable. I see him with my sisters and he gets on easily with them. He said he doesn’t know what it is about me but it is true that we do not get on and it’s an effort. I laughed and said he drives me mad. What else can I say when it’s obvious he really dislikes me as a person. My own dad. Mam loved the bones of me. And I’ve returned to that place I go to where I never explained to her how precious she is to me. I just want to be with her. This is so hard. I am so isolated and know now how much dad dislikes me. I have tried to not be me and be more like my sisters but I just cannot do it. I really do wish I had never been born. I don’t want to exist.
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Hi Christine, Suzanne and Tina
Had some tears over Mum this morning. For some reason I took her handbag off the peg and felt that I could feel something inside . Well I thought I had emptied everything out when I brought her belongings home from the hospital the night she passed. Couldn’t believe I forgot to look in one of the compartments and found a couple of personal things in there and that took me back to that dreadful evening and started me off .
Then soon after the post came with something addressed to Mum and that gets me as well . Had to have a chat with Cruse this afternoon and it made me feel better.
Best wishes
Neil x
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Yes absolutely Suzanne. We’re all here for each other x
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So sorry that you’ve had such a bad day Christine. Really feeling for you at the moment x
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I’m glad Cruse helps you to get through the day. It must have been so upsetting seeing those things in your mams bag. It is all about association with sadness now. Dad cleared out most of mams things so not much left, though he still has her chair but it’s not in the same position. The flat is like an empty shell now. I liked the new furniture but it has no connection to mam (I know that’s the point).
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I really don’t know why I’m such an outcast in my own family now that mam is gone. They are all connected with skype and phonecalls and visits. I’m excluded and nobody will admit that, though I did get a message back from my other sister which was nice. I wish she lived near me. I can’t understand why they have no empathy / sympathy / whatever you want to call it. I’m having to manage a situation I am trapped in and nobody will admit it’s real. I am not mental.
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Been thinking of Tina and wondering how she’s been getting on with the fencing today. Waiting for her post.
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Just to add, I have tried being quieter and not voicing any opinion about everything but I just can’t seem to keep my mouth shut. When I stopped speaking the other day dad then accused me of being in a huff. I explained he always gets angry and closes me down. I hate not being able to express myself because of the relationship I was in (controlling). Just because I have lots to say doesn’t mean I’m controlling the conversation. It’s all sorts of stuff we talked about - plants, the war, mam, xmas, family, cats etc What is the point in seeing me if I cannot speak?
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I know I have to clear Mum’s possessions and clothes at some point but I just cant do it yet. If I do I know I will regret it .Still got some of Dad’s things here from 6 years ago too x
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I wish I had lived with mam so I could have kept a selection of her things so she would be all around me. There’s no pressure at all to do any of it. You could think of favourite outfits that remind you of them both to start sorting out. I kept going to mams clothes to choose her final outfit for the service and kept being told not to touch them because it was upsetting dad. The next time I went over everything had been bagged up for charity after they had all taken what they wanted. They knew I wanted to do mams clothes because she loved them, loved shopping and dressing up. I have drawers full of her things. I wear some for bed to feel close to her and some during the day when I’m really missing her. She would have wanted to be dressed in one of her lovely dresses and her new sandles but Dad decided on everyday wear and I wasn’t allowed to even discuss it. She was always glamorous and I wanted to help her choose a best outfit to celebrate her life. I was outnumbered. I just don’t fit into my family.
If I was you I would create a wardrobe of clothes that hold fond memories so you can open it and be with them both again. It will be sad and upsetting and then devastating but will also give you comfort when you need it. Clothes are such an expression of that person, associated with time and place. And if you know that you are choosing what to keep instead of having a clear out it will be easier and you can sit with it for a while and decide. And anything that goes to charity is always a good thing, though I would take it further away from where you shop. It would be so upsetting to see your parents precious things. I would help you if we were friends in real life (and I didn’t have panic attacks!). Some people think that keeping stuff is just avoiding facing grief and letting go. I think the opposite. It takes strength to face fear/ grief/ sadness and take comfort in the things that evoke those feelings. If you did manage to clear some things (and remember a favourite everyday item holds so many memories) you would be freeing up some space for yourself.
I know I didn’t reply to all posts but I did read about your work situation and finding the right job. You’re right to do that and not take just anything that’s on offer. Make it right for you. You’ve been caring for your parents for so long that this is more than just a job. It’s a sense of independence and freedom. I know you would much rather have your mam and dad (I would give my life for mam to return) but try to be kind to you (as people keep telling me to do and I find it so hard). You already have your trips to the theatre in place which you enjoy (that’s being kind to yourself). Think of things as large stepping stones over a river. You are doing so well. I’m always pleased when you post because I know how hard the hard days are. I feel like I’ve started venturing out of my shell (no contact for over 3 months) and now all I want to do is never try again. It’s exhausting trying to figure out who they want me to be. I can’t win. Supposed to be going back over top dad’s on Wed. Can’t imagine ever going over again after today. Wish I was someone else. Just wish I didn’t exist. It seems I don’t without mam.
Sending you love xxx
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Oh Neil that would have been so hard cause it was so unexpected and having got mail for mum yesterday I can appreciate the gut dropping feeling especially if it’s something official that needs dealt with rather than junk to throw away.
I am grateful that you were able to speak to someone though today x
If you wanna talk you know where we all will be xx
Hugs to you all 
X
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Me too Christine x
Christine…never having had a relationship with my dad I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it is for you.
However some of your dad’s behaviour does remind me of him a little in that my dad was great with me until I reached the age that I knew my own mind and could disagree with him…he then changed to a distant, at times aggressive man who would either ignore me totally (like he was in a huff!) or pick fights with me just so he could contact me! He was also very very jealous at my mum and I’s relationship and was very resentful x
Could your dad possibly be jealous of how much you love and miss your mum? Is it possible that you remind him of your mum more than your sisters which he is finding hard to deal with?
The fact that you are being treated like this is totally unfair and unwarranted and it doesn’t help one bit when you on your own 24/7 but none of their behaviour is down to you or anything you do and even if they say it is…it isn’t!! That’s just bully mentality x
I am pleased to read your mum’s chair is still there albeit in the wrong place…least it’s still there x
Your dad won’t understand the creep, how it impacts your life and unfortunately they all get to an age where they just want to say what they want/when they want and I remember many a conversation with my mum like that where I would say…’you can’t say that’ and she would just say ‘well I won’t say anything every again’ lol x
It sometimes comes across that your dad still treats you like a child (I know you said it was your mum that did) in the way he wants to silence you, says you’re in a huff etc.
I know it’s frustrating but your dad seems to me that he does loves you but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for him to handle you….I mean that as it’s his problem not yours and never stop being you
Good luck getting the car back and sorry you’ll miss your therapist xx
Hi Suzanne,
I’ve never imagined there could be jealousy involved but I’m sure it is obvious to everyone how much I love mam and would rather not be here because she is so precious to me (living is just too hard). Dad has always described me as ‘hard work’ and we have never got on, never mind been close. Mam was always referee. Dad would say or do something and mam would know instantly what I was thinking before I’d even opened my mouth. He resents being told that he can’t talk about personal stuff regardless of the reason. He is so angry and I’m so tired of defending myself and trying to explain. So I am ready now to give up trying with him. If I go on Wed I will have no conversation. I will respond when he speaks to me but nothing else. I don’t even know why he wants to spend time with me when he clearly cannot tolerate me. But I don’t see the point in pretending. He has no respect for me at all, disregarding what I think and feel. You are right that he cannot comprehend the creep beyond his own reaction to not being able to speak openly. He even turned his back on me. That is how childish he is. I just cannot have him here if that is how he behaves. Mam put up with it. I will not. It is true that I am the ‘child’ because I didn’t want a family and conventional life. I can’t ‘win’ whatever I do so I will do nothing. I never thought life could be this hard or this unfair.
Dad left a message when he got back saying he hopes I am still talking to him. He is the one who has created this situation, not me, but I am not allowed to react. I just can’t be bothered. I’ve had enough. I have no fight left in me. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow but Porscha is still alive and I can’t leave her. I made a new will. I want to drift away and disappear. If I could take Porsch with me I would.
I’ve written this post so many times now because I find it so hard to express what I feel. It’s like today sits inside of me like a huge flat rock, worn smooth by the water. The edges are rounded and I can’t pick it up. It’s heavier than my whole being. It is the sadness of today and every day since mam left me. I want to tell her how unhappy I am and that I just want to be with her. I can picture her now. The only words are ‘Oh, pet’ and I know exactly what she feels. She is the only one who loves me and cares about me. I have nothing left. She is the only one who can destroy me with her absence. I hope she is peaceful and calm in her new life. She deserves to be with the angels but she left me behind. I just want to be with her.
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Thanks for that Christin
Hi Christine, Suzanne and Tina
Always a difficult day for me on a Tuesday but the sun is out and it’s a lovely Spring day.
I can go for days and not have anyone phone or even text to see how I am. Then, if someone does if I’m not feeling that good they say " you have to move on with your life now , that’s what your Mum would want". What they dont say though is how to do it because they haven’t got a clue how I feel on certain days.
When I speak to Cruse they say there is no time scale on grief and you go through it at your own pace with lots of ups and downs.
So-called friends and family ( bar two who have really supported me ) have gone missing . I’ve also had ’ you’re so strong Neil’ . They dont see me on my bad days . It does make me bitter . Just wish I could tell Mum how no one seems to bother. Also wish I could tell her about the three lovely friends I have made on here and how we support each other.
Sorry if it comes across as a bit of a rant but some days I cant help it.
Hope Tuesday is a decent one for you all
Best wishes
Neilx
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Hi Neil,
It is such a lovely day today. I do feel better waking up to sunshine. It lifts the spirits when all I want to do is hide. I’m so happy that you include me as a friend here. It seems that my family disregard me and how I feel. They are all working hard at ‘moving on’ and seem annoyed that I am not in a hurry to do so because I can’t. Your bad days are part and parcel of tis horrendous new reality we live. I would rather not be here than live like this. I seem to lack the self preservation thing that others have in fighting against being destroyed. I’m so pleased you have two people who are really supportive. All it takes is a kind word or thought and it makes all the difference. It’s not because I’m a needy person. In real life I am independent and like my freedom. It’s the lack of understanding and acceptance of how I am that I find hardest. Dad will talk about my sister or explain why she and her kids are ignoring me (like I’ve died). He said he knows I have no one to talk to but he doesn’t want to talk about that situation (I do not understand why I’m being ignored). And I also cannot talk about mam after yesterday.
I hope to get my car back today because the brakes needed doing. He’s such a lovely man and will drop the car back to me because I cannot collect it on my own. I’m wondering if it’s weird to give him some home made spicy veg soup? Dad thinks its a weird idea. I though it was a nice thing.
Have three pile of cat sick to tackle now from last night. Stood in one pile on the way to the kitchen. She’s such hard work. She does this when she’s not happy. Probably because she didn’t want dad here. She’s so anti social!
Neil, can I just say, if your post is a rant then what are mine?!!! xxx
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Aww Neil,
I was having a pretty crap morning until I read the end of your lovely post and it has lifted my spirit so bless you and thank you x
Always think of you Tues/Wed as know how hard they can be done you but hopefully the sunny spring morning can keep your mood lifted xx
I was speaking to a counsellor about these friends and family that disappear and she said a few things that made sense to me. Firstly she stressed that even though it’s us that ultimately suffer that it is all them and nothing to do with us…hard to accept when you are alone/low but we are worth so much more and don’t accept to be treated this way. Secondly she said that because our mums were our world that they fitted all our roles from confidant, travel companion, best friend etc and we could go to them and talk to them about anything!! but because of this we are finding it hard to know who to speak to about what and as Christine said our mums knew what was being said with just a look or a grin…so when the time is right for us maybe to look at the friends/family we have and see what friend we can do what with/talk to about things but nowadays we may have a few different people rather than just one person that we can never replace.
Dunno if that makes sense or if even any help but it was maybe just the way she said that lol x
Hope your day stays bright and here for you and Christine and Tina
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I think it’s good to let off steam Christine. We have this bottled up inside and need to let it out. I really mean that when I say I regard you all as friends ( although obviously if our Mums were here then we wouldn’t be on this forum).
Speak again soon
Neil x
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