Yes it does make sense Suzanne. Hopefully starting my proper counselling with Cruse next month and hoping that it brings me some sense of acceptance and understanding . My better days are getting more and more but still having the odd bad day ( usually Tues- Wed as you know ). I used to post on Facebook about how I was feeling since Mum passed but I dont really bother now as the messages I got were " you should do this " or 'get yourself out more ’ or 'join a group to get interests".
All I want is to try and get through this and get some sort of life back and move forward at my own pace
Feel better for talking on here like I do when I call Cruse and Samaritans
Hope you can have a good rest of the day
Best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Christine 
Firstly I would be very happy if someone gave me a lovely pot of vegetable soup especially homemade and I do not think it’s weird. My friend does it every time I visit her as she loves cooking and always makes too much but as the dishes are vegan and they are not that’s how I know she’s made them with me in mind which I think it’s nice. Give him the soup!! lol
Is there no way you can get the car back today in time for your therapist? that would be helpful for you but again nice he’s dropping the car back off to you so he seems to understand your situation.
The fact that your dad left you a message asking if you were still speaking to him suggests to me that he does care/love you deeply cause otherwise he wouldn’t seem bothered enough to phone.
Can’t see why though he felt the need to tell you what your sisters said about you but probably didn’t think tbh as certain people seem to think they can say what they want ‘as we’re family’ but as you state the gruesome of speech doesn’t apply to Everyone in the family.
As I’ve said you sound like a strong and formidable lady and I think when you find yourself again (I’m told it will come) you will be a force to be reckoned with in any venture you set your mind to 
Stepping into cat sick is always an absolute delight 
and hope Porsha is ok x if you think she’s stressed you can get pheromone plugs ins at Pets At Home etc that could help her de-stress.
I get what you mean about what our mums would be saying though…mine would be shaking her head, making a dismissive shooing gesture and just saying ‘away with you’ if I didn’t pick myself up lol x
Love to you all
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Hi Neil,
That’s the reason I stayed off Facebook as just couldn’t deal with either the nonsense and/or ‘helpful advice’
I am firm believer that friends will find a away to connect and although this had to happen to us all it’s one of the few shining beacons of hope that has come out of it.
Hope today isn’t too hard but we’re here for you x
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You have given me some lovely ideas…thankyou. I lost my beautiful mum in Oct last year and I’m trying to focus on a positive beautiful space to plant a rose bush and bury some of her ashes. X
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Hi @JoJane
Sorry to hear about your mum but very pleased you can take some inspiration from Christine and her creativity x
David Austin roses catalogue is always a fantastic place to look at.
Blessings and all the best to you
Suzanne x
Hello Neil
I have just seen an earlier post where you mention having received post for your Mum. I got a few recently, one this morning. They just seem to come out the blue and smack you in the face don’t they. Junk not too bad, but stuff that needs dealing with gets left for a bit. What’s the worst that can happen.
People are funny things aren’t they. My Brother has a close mate and he is a Godparent to this mate’s child, best-man at his wedding, gympal and has known him for 35years and heard nothing from him since Christmas Eve. What can you do and the longer things are left it gets harder doesn’t it. I had some thoughtless comments when I lost my Husband, only the ones that had been in my shoes were able to speak from the heart. The others have the “luxury” of blissful ignorance, as we had once.
Hope your day got somewhat better since writing.
No, it’s not a rant, it’s honesty and your entitled and welcome.
Kindness to you. x
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Hi Tina
Thanks for that. It is small things like that upset me and when I go shopping different things Mum used to like and I know I wont be buying them ever again .
I think my rant earlier about other people is that they dont understand and as you say, blissful ignorance. Certainly this time last year if someone had said Mum would have passed then I would have said they were talking absolute nonsense. I don’t normally let it get to me but sometimes it does and I just need to find a way forward.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day
Hope the rest of your day goes well
Best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Christine
How are you at the moment Christine?
Sounds like you’ve had some eventful days emotionally. I just read the bit where you was talking about giving the MOT person some of your soup. I think it’s a kind gesture. I would imagine it’s something your Mam would have done. It just shows someone has put a bit of thought and consideration into things doesn’t it.
I went to do the fencing yesterday, another expense because of Wickes mistake. The delivery arrived and when they’d gone I noticed they’d left the wrong items. I rang them and they couldn’t collect them to take them back to the store so now I have to make another journey. I did tell the Manager on the phone that I’d have to complain in an email but to be honest I can’t imagine it’s anything he’s going to stress over. Because everything is computerised these days as soon as anything goes wrong and brain work is needed they haven’t got a clue. I wouldn’t care but the store is only on the next street to me, I could have carried them! So now they are going to re-deliver on Saturday. I think my Brother is driving me as it’s another 5.30am waking time otherwise.
I really feel for you with the creep situation and the effect it’s having on your family relationships. It’s cruel, you aren’t asking for anything that’s not just a basic human right and expectation. I’m pleased you managed to drive to your Dad’s, like you said without Mum in your car it must have been difficult but you managed it. I can see you’ve had some really bad moments but you’ve done some stuff as well so you’ve made some achievements. Gardening and plants take you out of yourself for a bit.
Sorry Porscha has been sick. Could have picked something up from outside. Hope it’s ok. Dodging cat sick isn’t pleasant. Done a fair bit of that myself.
Hope you are having a peaceful day. (And I hope Creepy has gone out so you can get some freedom in your garden.)
Just got to put my online shop away. Couldn’t face going out.
xx
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Hi Suzanne
Hope you are ok.
Wickes sent me the wrong panels yesterday so I have yet another expense and journey on Saturday to do. I rung up the store and said I’d be putting an email of complaint in. I could hear the fear (not) in his voice. I’m no “Karen” so it’s hardly surprising. With everything being computerised shop staff no longer have to think independently and I don’t think some of them can do that. Not their fault, it’s easy to get too reliant on technology. So the travel has coated me now more than the cost of one of the panels!
Have a good remainder of the day.
x
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Hello Jolane. So sorry about the loss of your Mum.
Sending kind thoughts to you
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Hi Tina,
I was thinking of you with your fencing and cannot believe they’ve buggered it up again. I would certainly put in an expense claim for the two train journeys you’ve made. Will give you some satisfaction at least. I’m glad your bro is driving you. But at least you know you can make the journey on the train again if/when you wanted to return. And will your brother help put up the fencing? I could really do with replacing mine as it’s seen better days and nearly 15 years old now. I remember when dad and my brother in law put it up. I couldn’t help because I was having chemo (wearing my fabulous blond wig) and it drove me crazy because I wanted to do something and couldn’t. But I did my fence on the creep side (not all the way along so I could save the trees on the boundary line). He’s out at the mo so I’m sitting next to the open windows overlooking the garden with Porsch (she’s fine after being sick).
I forgot to tell everyone I got my roses ordered (climbers and highly scented bushes). Going halves with dad because he was doing the same in memory of mam. Much cheaper too as a collection from J. Parkers. We’ve used them for years and it’s good quality, delivered to the house in time for the planting up season. Variety of colours so really happy that I got that done. Can’t go out there after yesterday.
Got my car back from the MOT and managed to go back out myself to get the extra cash because of the3 coils replaced. That could explain the rattle. I usually just bang the music up while I’m driving but not since mam. I gave the lovely man my soup and he was very pleased. I also gave him a card as a thank you for dropping it off. I do feel like my face is tripping me up today though because of yesterday with day. It was quite infuriating too when I had to reverse up the bank to get out and even though I didn’t need any help one of the mechanics ‘helped’ me by taking the mick and telling me which way to do the steering wheel. I laughed it off. The thing is I look so much younger than I am (mam did , it’s a family trait) and so the reaction to me is not how they would react to me being a middle aged woman. But it does have it’s advantages, like when I go to the recycling place with garden stuff and they do it for me, then get rid of the spiders out the car. But I always wonder why people are being nice to me. Sorry, I’m just pleased to be chatting without any emotional stuff attached after yesterday.
I know Suzanne said it’s not me but them and their issues but I just feel so destroyed after it takes me a lot of pushing to try in the first place. Simple comments like dad saying I should do something with the patio. I wasn’t expecting that and had arranged the sofa and chairs around a low coffee table made from pallets, ideal for placing cups on. I’m not usually sensitive and know I don’t do things the way other people do (I like being different). I’m just so tired of being attacked and criticised. Don’t think I’ll go to dad tomorrow. Can’t take any more stress or I’ll burst into tears (and that is not something I do easily, or ever before mam).
I was saying to Neil it’s so wonderful to be considered as a friend. I value you all as friends and I haven’t had friendships since leaving my old life. I miss the thing of having a laugh and knowing I’m valued. I just can’t understand why I am so disliked by my dad and sisters. I know sibling rivalry between us was ongoing but we’re adults now. I’m too old and worn out by life to be playing games and not knowing what is actually going on. I just want a simple and peaceful life.
I’m just waiting for my shopping to be confirmed. Hope they have Porscha catfood because she is so fussy. Treated myself to chocs and crisps and icecream. I live on my veg soup, chicken, cheese, yoghurt and fruit and it’s not really making any difference to losing weight. I know I have to get active but I’m so lazy as there’s no incentive sitting at home all day long.
This one really is a rant. Will make Neil smile.
Love to all and I hope Suzanne’s covid is improving. xxx
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Hi Tina,
Take it from me don’t bother complaining to the shop…go straight to Head Office customer service because unfortunately if you don’t get the one person in store that actually does give a toss you will be wasting your time but go to head office…if you need a hand to compose an email let me know x
That’s ridiculous that they are making you wait even longer for their mistake!! Absolutely not acceptable x
I’ve just got a weighted blanket today as they are meant to be good for anxiety…have you or anyone used one? I’ll let you know what I think tomorrow lol x
Watching that Jeremy Kyle documentary that was on tv last couple of nights and I knew I never liked him or his programme but hadn’t realised what a nasty bully he was but suppose I can’t say I’m totally surprised x
Out of isolation tomorrow so back to work on Thursday…never though I would be so happy to go to work lol x ironically on a day off on Friday but as I have my counselling in the afternoon I’ll still take it off.
Anyway hope you’re managing to have a decent day despite Wickes being arses x
Nice to hear from you xx
Out of isolation tomorrow so back to work on Thursday 
When the weather is nicer we should all have a zoom quiz night with a few drinks and hopefully have a laugh xx
Hi JoJane,
I’m so about your mam and that you have to be part of this new club. I’m glad you’ve joined us. It has really helped me to post here and I’ve made some lovely friends who are supportive and know exactly how bad it is and will be again. So keep posting.
I’m pleased you’re thinking of ideas for your mam. It is lovely sitting at night with the twinkling of fairy lights and candles. I use battery candles for safety. I still have to collect some of mams ashes for my little egg. I didn’t want to disturb her so I’m waiting for my dad to scatter her with her parents up North. I just want a tiny bit of her with me.
I finally chose some climbing roses and highly perfumed for my patio so mam will be all around me when I sit outside or have the windows open. I ordered collections of six from J. Parkers online (and you can order the catalogue - always lovely to browse through with a cuppa, planning ahead). We’ve ordered from them for years. They deliver when ready for planting out. I’ve been getting my tubs ready and started on my baskets. I always feel better for being out in the garden. Therapy for the soul.
So lovely to meet you xxx
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‘I’m no Karen’ made me smile. I discovered ‘Karens’ on you tube when I was looking at ‘Soft White Underbelly’ interviews (the human condition is extraordinary). Lifted me up. Thanks x
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That last comment did make me smile. Rant away Christine. Nobody is judging you here and feel free to say whatever you want x
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Christine…what exactly are you watching on YouTube 
x
I am intrigued lol x
You crack me up 
x
Hi Suzanne,
I’m so pleased that you’re getting back to work and the covid is clear. It’s strange how used to being isolated I am, and that human contact is what makes me anxious and panic. I love your idea about the zoom but I have a real phobia about being on screen after being followed and filmed during the stalking. It’s association. I couldn’t even participate with everyone for plans with the vicar for mam’s services and just managed to wave my hand on the screen. She was lovely and reminded me of the vicar on Gogglebox some time ago.
I’ve never heard of the weighted blankets for anxiety but it does sound good. I layer blankets when watching tv and on my bed. Maybe it goes back to the snuggling thing of babies being wrapped when born. Enjoy it while you’re off work. I bet peeps will be pleased to see you back.
I watched a bit of the Jeremy Kyle thing and had to turn it off. I hate seeing bullying of any kind, especially taking advantage of vulnerable people who need help rather than being judged. I stopped watching it when it was on before. Didn’t even realise someone had died.
Looking forward to my treats.
Oh, I managed to go back to the garage after having my car dropped off so I could pay the full bill. He was very pleased with his soup and card. He’s a lovely man and told me that I should never be stuck and to phone him. He’s like a dad. Don’t know whether you drive but I posted to Tina about having to reverse out up the hill and was given ‘help’. I hate being seen as a ‘female’ who needs helps from a man. Independence is my thing, but maybe as a defense against feeling vulnerable. I used to change my own tyres as well but don’t think I could manage that now. Glad it’s done for another year. Still not sure what coils are. Not that interested. As long as it works I’m happy.
Enjoy your blanket! x
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It is so freeing being able to say what I want. You really have no idea how happy it makes me. I’m such a chatterbox naturally and being gagged is soul destroying. At least this one isn’t an essay! x
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‘Soft White Underbelly’ is a series of interviews from the homeless on Skid Row. The interviewer (Mark) asks a series of questions and the people are allowed to speak freely of their experiences and what led them to be where they are. It is sometimes so heartbreaking that I cannot watch (re child abuse) but it shows how people are destroyed by a lack of love and stability in childhood, being exposed to drugs and violence, and how they choose to cope through taking drugs and prostitution. They tell their story and are paid for doing it. Mark has helped so many through his funding campaign, setting up rehab, get housing and support. It’s about exposing the most vulnerable in society - damaged, mentally ill, vulnerable, predators (pimps and johns). It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but I’m always intrigued by how far people will go to self medicate the pain of life. There are some fabulous characters who are interviewed over a period of time and you can see the decline or how they bounce back with help. Many have children and it is the parents who damaged them who look after them, or they are lost to the care system. Cycles of damage. Fascinating stuff. It makes me realise how lucky I am to have had such a loving and wonderful life (thank you mam) and that everyone of us makes decisions according to our experiences. It makes me question why I have always been labelled as the naughty one when all I want is fun and excitement (when I was younger). Makes me wonder what Fentanyl is like (not that I’m wanting to try it). Mark used to be a fashion photographer until he started documenting Skid Row. Intrigued by what you think. x
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