Hi Neil
Just wanted to add to the well wishes of others after your experience yesterday. Good you got some speedy help and all is well now.
Much love xx
4 Likes
@NEILB72 sorry to hear your trip to the drama had an extra layer of drama. Iāve done many things to get out of Shakespeare but not that 
Scary when such things happen but also heartening to see how people rallied round. The three trainee doctors probably appreciated the test and they sound very caring. There are good people all around.
Hope you are having a restful day today and no Iāll effects.
Iām just dashing as trying to get the house presentable for the crafty ladies coming this evening
Take care!
Beki x
4 Likes
Hi Suzanne,
At last you have snow! Enjoy the fairytale before it becomes treacherous. Mine will be gone by Mon / Tues as rains will bring temps of 12 / 13 so will be able to get out in the car again, get my xmas tree, have a cheeky swim and get some xmas bits in. Of course by then my sis and family will have moved out and I will be feeling the aloneness (is that a world?) My nieceās boyf is staying with her until xmas as heās moving away so she wonāt be around to help me. I either get a tree myself or just donāt have one. And after looking at old pics of xmas decs (I do a different one each year) Iām inspired to do something. Have taken down all the Indian things in preparation and have created a new bed canopy with blankets for an old fashioned theme. Itās all done with very little enthusiasm or energy. But itās something.
Cleaned my windows outside after seeing the creep chatting about my cameras to someone and them taking pictures of my windows. While I was out there I started my car and a car pulled up and beckoned me to wait, so I was very suspicious after what I had seen this morn and was prepared for him to have a go (never seen him before). He was lovely and chatting about my bay and that his mam was just round the corner and had crashed her car in the snow trying to park. He was very chatty and I just went along with it. Nice to chat randomly and for him to not have an agenda. He doesnāt live in the street but visits so Iāll possibly see him again. Mentioned my panic attacks and did very well indeed. So that was an unexpected nice thing today.
Enjoy your snow. Seen my squirrel racing across the garden. Glad heās knocking about again so he can collect some fat balls etc. Canāt believe how thick the ice was on the pond today. Be glad when itās gone so I can get out swimming again and pop in to the shop for bits instead of letting it build up to a major shop.
Will you build a snowman? When I was checking out the cameras I thought someone had built a snowman on my lawn. Turned out to be a giant bird plop! Oh my eyes!
Still havenāt sorted out getting my sisters fish. Whenever I mention it, which is very often given that it needs to be done now before they move, my niece ignores my texts because she knows I need help to steady the bucket on the journey. 5 mins there and back is all I need. Straight in the pond. So I said my sister would have to rehome them if they donāt come to me. Again ignored. I give up trying.
Jobs to do are to tidy boxes of buttons out of the bookcase and into the loft, making room for all the gardening mags and textile books Iād been reviewing as part of my blog for the magazine. If I can tidy up and organise it will spur me on to decorate a bit for xmas, even if itās just sticking a tree in the corner of the bedroom.
Enjoy your snow!
Lots of love xxx
2 Likes
Hi Beki,
Enjoy your evening babe. Looking forward to hearing all about it.
Lots of love xxx
2 Likes
Hi Tina,
You will have read from previous posts Iāve had a good day given the random nice chat with the random nice bloke when I was at my car. Doesnāt take much to lift my spirits. Just a little kindness from someone, anyone, goes a long way, especially after the nastiness Iām surrounded by. Made a lovely change.
Been busy creating a new bed canopy for winter, inspired by an old fashioned theme from previous decoration. I donāt have my usual zest and it is taking me ages to do it but itās more than I thought I would have done this year. Have made a food and drink list and will pop out next week when the snow clears. Hope that Aldi still have some xmas trees. One for the garden and bedroom. The final move for sis and co is on Sunday. So that will be it. Not feeling as desperate about it as I have been, just because itās been dragging on for ages and itās been such hard work getting anything from the garden. So if I get the fish thatās great but if I donāt then itās her problem. She had better not just leave them in the pond to die.
Next jobs are to pop buttons in the loft and put mags and books away in the bookcase. I finished my puzzle and have another one to start. Losing the light now but will take pics tomorrow. When I was in my loft last night there was frost on the underside of the roof tiles. Hope my fabrics are ok up there.
Bet Suzanne is delighted with her snow, and so pleased to hear Neil is ok after his trip to hospital. Hope you are ok today and the bro isnāt giving you any jip.
Will pop back later and see how everyone is doing.
Lots of love xxx
3 Likes
Hi Christine
Thanks for the kind words as always. Feeling fine today although quite tired as didnt get s lot of sleep last night
Speak again very soon
Love and best wishes
Neil x
2 Likes
Hi Suzanne
Certainly wasnt expecting that yesterday . Ticket money is being refunded and the Othello in the evening I have a credit voucher with no time limit to spend it .
Hospital writing to GP to see if they want to follow up any tests. Apart from a bit tired I feel my normal self.
Speak again soon
Love and best wishes
Neil x
2 Likes
Hi Tina
Not the day I had in mind yesterday but all OK now. St Thomasās is the hospital where Mum had her heart bypass over 20 years ago so naturally thought of her when I was there. Just imagining how she would have been panicking if she was still here.
Hope next show will be a bit more normal!
Speak again soon
Love and best wishes
Neil x
3 Likes
Hi Beki
Just having a restful weekend now and thinking myself lucky things could have been worse. When I came round on the floor I had no idea what was going on.
When I go back to the Globe again I will do the tour and a play outside. Give the indoor playhouse a wide berth!
Speak again soon
Love and best wishes
Neil x
3 Likes
Hi Neil,
Youāll prob. be worn out for days after that. Wonder what caused it? If it was freezing outside and then hot in? Iām no GP but they ought to find out the reason why it happened and if it will likely happen again. It must have been very surreal but also bringing back lots of upset about your mam. The last thing you needed at this time of year. I know you have a refund (I should think so!) and a voucher but Iād stay clear of ay more Shakespeare! Must have given you a real fright, and then to have to travel back in the evening afterwards on your own wouldnāt have been nice. I do hope it hasnāt put you off though. Just look at what you have achieved this year. Amazing and, like Iāve said before, very inspiring to us all to keep trying to do something we enjoy. Take it easy and rest. I know itās boring (it is to me because Iām always on the go) but the body tells us when we need to slow down. I get really wiped out with my anxiety and have to recover for days after.
Iāve been rejigging the tables in my bedroom and cleaning to make room for a small tree in the corner. Donāt know whether I will do anything to it. Will see how I feel. My xmas box is right next to mams xmas houses so Iām not sure how fragile I am feeling until I try to do it.
I was saying before, I had a lovely chat with a random bloke who visits his mam round the corner. Itās amazing how open some peeps are with their ailments (hernia, slipped disc), what they do/did for work (building, bus driver), their family (I phased out a bit when he mentioned the kids), how he keeps fit (gym, treadmill) and tips for me. I went along with the conversation and didnāt feel guarded like I would normally do. It was very random so I think that was why I was able to chat. Itās massive for me because I feel so vulnerable, especially outside. But he was just a nice bloke. Hope so anyway! Iād forgotton how nice it is to be normal again and not be always having to defend myself.
Rest up and I hope you are eating enough. Will pop back tomorrow with some pics.
Lots of love xxx
3 Likes
Hi Christine
Lovely atmospheric pictures there again.
Iād started a message at tea-time for you and just come back to it, re-read it and glad I didnāt send it now as I sounded a right moany old bat. Which I am of course, but I should at least keep it to myself once in a while!
You are in a worse state than me with your eyes by the sound of it as mine are pretty bad too. I do have glasses but donāt wear them as I feel a bit disoriented with them on. (more disoriented than usual should I say ). Especially when out and about.
Really glad youāve had a new face to have a chat with. Sometimes a few words can really lift your spirits. My husband was very chatty and heād chat with anyone but Iām a bit more reserved and tend to hide away.
Was feeling a bit more hopeful about the ice and snow melting this afternoon and although it tried, it was all to no avail and itās really hit with a vengeance tonight. Freezing fog, freezing ice and dreadful roads. I think Iāve forgot what colour grass is itās been white over for so long. Dread to think how the homeless are coping.
Christmas is looming now isnāt it. Donāt really know what to make of it. It will be me and brother. Heāll go and see his sons on Christmas Day and my Sister will be leaving for Cornwall next week so I canāt see anything really going on. No Queenās Speech this year for a bit familiarity either.
Well Iāll leave you to it and hope you keep warm.
KEEP WARM AND SAFE EVERYONE ELSE TOO!
Much love xx
4 Likes
Hi Tina,
Just about to go to sleep when I saw your post. I donāt mind at all if your are a moany old bat! We all are at times. Itās been a very up and down day for me but I got lots of prep and cleaning done and have decided to get a tree for the bedroom and the garden. Aldi had some in for Ā£12 so hope they are still there. Will have to wait to go out because itās freezing and the ice will be even more icier if thatās even possible. Itās like Iām living in a time warp with xmas looming but not being affected by it. The most random things pop up to make me cry for mam. Like Gardeners World tonight because the bloke had a swing chair in his garden and I instantly thought of mam in her old garden and burst out crying. I still donāt understand where sheās gone. It feels like sheās been away for ages and Iāll have so much to tell her when she gets back. If only that were true. I miss her so very much and she feels such a long way away from me. Itās like Iām living in a world that isnāt real because sheās not in it. And then I had that chat with the random bloke and I felt like life was ok again and the heavy weight I carry around eased a bit. I didnāt even mention mam when he was chatting about popping in and doing stuff for his mam. Itās like there was no connection. It didnāt upset me because my mam isnāt here anymore. Itās as if grief has no rules and I never know where I stand. Thereās no pattern of triggers I can see will affect me. Iām up and down and back to front and twirling around throughout the day. And sometimes I am still and can just sit quietly and be peaceful for a little bit until it all starts again. Itās exhausting.
I assumed you would spend xmas day with brother, forgetting that he had kids. I hope you pop in here because I will be, probably throughout the day. And like you said, the Queen wonāt be making her speech. I would have watched because mam always did and it would have upset me. Donāt know whether itās more upsetting that she isnāt here either. Sometimes I just want it all to stop. I want to go back to the life I had before mam left. I had no clue how desperately unhappy I would feel most of the time. Like you said before, being busy is just a distraction. Not being in the garden means Iām looking for things to occupy me. Tidying the house to create a winter ambience, starting a new puzzle, xmas trees and a possible food list. I always went to my parents for Xmas Day and Boxing Day. I didnāt feel alone before. I enjoyed being alone. This is like waiting for nothing to happen. Waiting for the end to arrive so I can meet her again, but not knowing how long that will be. And nothing matters because that is the only thing that does matter. Whatever that thing was that I had before and donāt have now, the ability to enjoy life, is gone and I canāt imagine it ever coming back. The emptiness is looming large and all Iām doing is doing stuff for the sake of it. I didnāt realise how pointless life is. Sorry Tina, I didnāt expect all this to come out. Moany old bat indeed!
I got mams hot water bottle out after youād mentioned yours and itās really comforting. Porsch had to wake me up this morn I was so snug. She pats my cheek and then the face washing starts. Itās when I refuse to stir that she starts biting my head! Cats do it to each other, like nibbling, but Iām not keen! Donāt think sheād like it if I did it to her. Itās when the hair washing starts that I canāt take any more and get up. Sheās all wrapped up and snug so Iāll go now and pop back tomorrow. If the roads were clear Iād get my xmas tree tomorrow but will wait until it starts raining and warms up.
Lots of love xxx
3 Likes
Hi Christine,
The gorgeous card you sent me for the 8th has literally been delivered this morning about an hour ago. I love it and have just the frame for itā¦amazing photo and such a kind gesture. Thank you 
x
Snow has stopped now and not expecting any more as temps are due to get milder over the next week or so. However the roads up to the Loch are freezing again so was told they were closing early so not to bother going up today. Just sitting watching Criminal Minds and drinking tea 
x
Iāve just checked on how much my heating has cost me over the last week and I nearly had a fit seeing how muchā¦needless to say all heaters are off but as I said luckily itās warmer now.
I have my own wee hot water bottle lol x
Hopefully your niece will eventually contact you about the fish as would be a shame to miss out on giving them a good home with you out of spite x
Just heard my niece left work today cause she is unwell but bottom line is she has nothing a couple of Imodium wouldnāt sort but hey ho Iām off today so not my problem x
Away for another cuppa so will chat later and see how youāre doing 
x
3 Likes
Hi Neil,
No wonder you are drained with all that unexpected drama going on but glad youāre feeling more chipper x
I know the money probably wasnāt even a concern of yours but that is great service to receive refund/credit for both plays so you can invest in some new playsā¦very impressed.
After today I am on a 7 day stretch ie not off again until Christmas Day so am going to enjoy doing nothing Yoda lol x
You rest up and will check in on you soon
Take care 
x
3 Likes
Hi Suzanne
Have a restful day and hope the next week is not too stressful and you can have a peaceful Xmas.
My neighbour upstairs wants to treat me to a special breakfast on Tuesday as it is the year anniversary of Mums funeral. Such a lovely thought from him so something else to look forward to.
You will be pleased to know the World Cup Final is tomorrow so all over for another 4 years!
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
3 Likes
Hi Suzanne,
Glad you loved the card. I loved it too. I can imagine fairies dancing and getting up to mischief there. Will look lovely framed.
Just done a delivery food shop for tomorrow for bits and xmas. Don;t really know why Iām doing it. Makes me cry remembering the whole thing of choosing and booking the xmas food shop and mam doing all the cooking and everything being so special. I will make a version of the pineapple, cream, shortbread cake by mixing shorbread biscuits with tinned pieapple and clotted cream (a version of eton mess). I can see her now in the old kitchen being full of busy and the waft of cooking eminating through the house. I treated myself to snowballs as a drink. Couldnāt get a xmas microwave meal dinner so just wonāt have one unless I can get one in Aldi when I go for my xmas trees alone because my niece is with her boyfriend and canāt spare 1 hour to help me. I was lucky to get a delivery with it being xmas. Asda was the only one with slots left.
Will be up to 13 degrees by Tues so hoping to get to therapy and do Aldi on the way back. I think being stuck in is really not good for me. Shame you canāt get up the loch. Must be bad if the roads are closed. I remember how dodgy it was going over mams on the twisty road. It always flooded and then iced and was treacherous. Sometimes Iād have to turn back. I miss when everything was normal and going over to visit mam was part of my week. I have nothing now.
Lovely picks of Cal. Heās such a sweetie. Porsch is sleeping in her nest. I cover her over so only her head peeps out. All she does really is sleep.
Have given up on trying to get the fish organised. I thought the delivery van was booked for Sunday but my niece doesnāt know now. So donāt know whatās going on. Getting that feeling again of being left behind and abandoned. Nothing worse than feeling alone.
Enjoy your time off. Always precious when you work so hard. Theyāre showing reruns of the old Cracker on ITV3. Watched a few but sad because he died and I always really liked him. Didnāt get up until an hour ago so by the time Iāve washed my hair etc Iāll just be getting dressed again for bed. Finding it really hard but I know when the snow is gone I can get out again and will feel better.
Lots of love xxx
2 Likes
Hello Christine
Just thought Iād check in and see how you and Neil are doing. Of course, as usual Iām in my moany-old-bat mode so Iāve no light-hearted news or cheer to spread!
Just looking outside and there doesnāt seem to be any ice left. Thankful for that. I canāt believe that once outside on the ice I really am frozen to the spot with fear of slipping. Never been as fearful before, must be age and decrepitness! Been feeling very much under the weather of late, seemed to be picking up and then back down again. It seems to be affecting a lot of people.
I was reading one of your posts and for a lot it was like an echo of my own thoughts. I recall you saying something about you not minding being on your own as there was always Mam to share your news with at some point. I think thats the main difference between solitude and aloneness. We choose a period of solitude, but we donāt chose aloneness. I donāt even think loneliness is the same as aloneness. I still very much feel that Iām āwaitingā to tell Mum something, but the wait doesnāt come to an end and it triggers the tears doesnāt it. I donāt really care much for being on my own in the sense that thereās now no-one behind me thatās the oldest, as I know no-one really does.
Iām intrigued about these fish Christine, are they real or ornamental? Iām sure youāve said but I seem to be away with the fairies at the moment.
Itās now 8 days running that Zoe has not moved out of the house and Iām sure itās sent her doolally. (Sheās definitely sent me doolally). Sheās taken to having a mad 10 minutes with the āzoomiesā but because sheās indoors with limited space sheās physically bouncing off the walls and doors to change direction. Like a skateboarder in one of those drum-rinkās would.
Itās nice Christine that youāve sorted out a tree. I recently bought a Christmas tree bauble thing from Asda as theyād been reducing them to half price. We havenāt put a tree up but I bought it as it was glittery,!
Will Porsche not play with the tree?
Well my eyes are closing, quite tired so Iāll say cheerio for now.
Much love xx
3 Likes
Hi Suzanne
They are gorgeous pictures. Iād be having them in a frame or canvas.
Lovely contented looking kitty. Looks like sheās got chilled-out vibes, does she take after you in that respect!
xx
3 Likes
Hi Neil
Thank goodness the footie is finished. I hadnāt realised it was every four years. Mind you they probably have things in-between and I would know what match cups they were.
If I donāt get back to the page just wanted to send love for the 20th. I can understand your apprehension as I feel the same.
It is nice of your friend to think of you on that day. Itās heartwarming when you know people have had you in their minds isnāt when thereās such a lot of worry and strife going around for everyone.
Hope itās a gentle day for you on the 20th Neil.
Much love xx
4 Likes
Hi Tina,
So lovely to see you. Iāve been so upset about mam again but managed to pick myself up and sort out the bookcase, move all my buttons into the loft (massive job I kept putting off) and sorting my books and gardening magazines now that itās winter. The white buttons remind me of glistening snow
I also came across an old mood board which Iāve sellotaped to the fridge for a bit of inspiration.
I bought mam a subscription of Homes and Gardens for a Mothers Day pressie as something a bit different one year and she would give them to me afterwards as research material for my work. Love interior design. Itās inspired me to get some decs down. Not the sparkly tinsel. I chose very specific things and Iāll post when Iāve done them. Havenāt got the trees yet. Might try going to Aldi tomorrow now that the snow is going. I turned the car over and it was just as slippy trying to get to it but I think most of the roads have cleared now. Iām hoping to decorate with ivy and holly so planning to visit the park after therapy to collect it (not looking forward to that in the rain!) I know itās late in the day in getting started but I really had to push myself to even think about it. Have a box ready with bits to make a start tomorrow. And when I was up there I discovered a leak at the chimney in the loft so had to get someone round. All he could do was a report and stuff paper in the area with a bucket to catch the rain water coming in. Will have to wait until it stops raining for them to seal the leak from the outside. So I will have to check on it every morning and evening! But at least I found it before the carpet was ruined.
Seemed the move isnāt going ahead fully until after xmas now so I can collect the fish later and my niece will help. Theyāre just goldfish for the outdoor pond. Itās created so much anxiety with not knowing what is happening and when just so I could rehome these fish. Never known a move to be this haphazard!
No wonder Zoe is quite literally bouncing off the walls! Sheās be full of pent up energy being indoors for this long. It will be a relief for you to let her out again but itās going to rain until after xmas here. Keep an eye on the forecast and get her out there at every opportunity. Porsch likes to pop out for a quick wee while Iām doing breckie but hates the rain. Sheās been off her chicken for days (think sheās sick of eating the same thing) so I tried her with some cat food I bought for the foxes (always feed them in the winter) and she wolfed it down! She was so hungry and started purring. Hope she doesnāt get the poops. Thatās why I stopped giving her the packet catfood. She started playing again she was so happy!
I totes agree with you about solitude, aloneness and it being a choice, a freedom even, when there is someone to share news and thoughts with. Loneliness and emptiness is absolutely soul destroying. That feeling of waiting has never left me. I still forget sheās gone and not just gone away and coming back. The reality of it still smacks me and takes my breath away. Itās like Iām filling in days (on my good days) so I can join mam more quickly. When Iām feeling really desperate and missing her so much that I just canāt do anything the time slows like an old clock and I become lost again. I started searching and reading other posts when nobody was here and it always makes me cry at the sadness we are all carrying. So many broken people. It is just heartbreaking knowing there are so many people touched by grief, carrying it around like a heavy weight. Before mam left I didnāt know this world existed. Not the reality of it. Itās like existing in a new world now, one where we canāt hide from the pain and fear of needing our most precious person and knowing weāll never have that again, ever. Breaking time into little bits is all I can manage to get through the day. I still canāt even think about my sewing.
Itās such a relief to be able to get out the house. I keep imagining the freedom of walking in the woods again. Iām looking forward to getting my ivy at the park after therapy. I have a plan now where my week had no shape to it before. I managed to do a shop and when I got my delivery I had ordered clotted ice cream instead of clotted cream for the xmas pudding Iāll make (shortbread, cream and pineapple - Mams xmas tradition). So a quick trip for bits will also be necessary. Itās like Iāve returned to the world again after being in hiding. If Iām busy I can cope better than just sitting crying for mam.
Your sparkly xmas thing sounds intriguing. Iāll be doing foliage garlands and add to mams shrine but couldnāt face anything sparkly. Iāll do pics when Iām done. I donāt even know why Iām doing it because its only for myself. Maybe my niece will come over when her boyfriend moves away. Sheāll have spare time then.
I think your fear of falling and becoming incapacitated is very real for a lot of people. I donāt walk anywhere and only travel by car, so my fear is losing control of the car on the ice. It just wasnāt worth the risk. I think losing our mams brings old age closer to us and thoughts of dying. My biggest worry is dying alone and leaving Porscha. Nobody would know and she would starve to death. It terrifies me.
Just noticed the time. Will pop back again tomorrow. Hope I get my tree!
Lots of love xxx
2 Likes